Mr. Show with Bob and David 4x9

1. "DEAR MR. SHOW, WITH BOB AND

2. "... DANNY.

3. I'VE HAD IT!"

4. DAVID, WHAT'S WRONG?

5. WHY ARE YOU RUNNING AWAY FROM THE SHOW?

6. BOB, IT'S THESE DAMN CONTENT WARNINGS.

7. I MEAN, THEY GIVE THE WHOLE SHOW AWAY.

8. I MEAN, HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO TRICK LITTLE KIDS

9. INTO SEEING MY BUTT WITH THESE DAMN WARNINGS

10. ON THE SCREEN THE WHOLE TIME.

11. OH GREAT, NOW THERE'S A NEW ONE.

12. PBD, WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN?

13. ( with dubbed adult voice ) Gentlemen, please desist.

14. The answer to your impertinent question is simple.

15. P.B.D. stands for "potential buttocks display."

16. WHO ARE YOU?

17. I am he, who watches all of television,

18. crowning shows with the warnings befitting them.

19. After all, who better to decide what a child should see

20. than a little child himself?

21. YOU MEAN A LITTLE BASTARD.

22. ALRIGHT, TAKE IT EASY, BOB. SORRY.

23. It is I who should apologize for being a poor host.

24. Won't you join me on my space pod?

25. OH, WOW!

26. GENTLEMEN, WELCOME.

27. WON'T YOU INDULGE IN RICH, FANCY DRINKS?

28. I WOULD OFFER YOU SWEET MEATS,

29. BUT I'VE RUN SHORT.

30. PERHAPS LATER?

31. YEAH, YEAH.

32. WHOA, WHAT IS THIS?

33. ANGEL'S CLOUD.

34. I'M SIMPLY MAD FOR IT!

35. COME NOW, ROBERT, DON'T BE SO OBDURATE.

36. DRINK, MAKE MERRY.

37. NOT BAD.

38. ( David ) TANGY.

39. HEY, HE'S GETTING BIGGER.

40. NOT AT ALL, OLD BOY.

41. IT IS YOU WHO HAVE GROWN,

42. SMALLER!

43. COME, SEE THE WORLD THROUGH MY EYES.

44. NO, STOP, YOU DRANK TOO MUCH, STOP!

45. LUCIEN!

46. SO, YOU'RE THE ONE WHO'S DRINKING ALL THE ANGEL CLOUD.

47. YOU'RE GONNA GET THE WHIPPING OF YOUR LIFE.

48. AND NO MORE T.V.

49. YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO WATCH THESE SHOWS ANYWAY,

50. THEY'RE RATED FOR ADULTS.

51. YES, BUT I'M THE ONE WHO...

52. OH, GOODNESS!

53. THE IRONY'S BITTERSWEET AS

54. TEARS ON TURKISH DELIGHT.

55. THAT'S IT.

56. I'M GONNA BEAT THOSE BIG WORDS RIGHT OUTTA YOU!

57. FINE!

58. WHAT WILL BECOME OF TELEVISION IF LEFT UNRATED?

59. OH, HAPPENSTANCE!

60. AND THAT'S WHEN THE KINDLY CATERPILLAR

61. WAVED HIS MAGIC WAND

62. AND THE GIANT JELLY BEAN TREE

63. AGREED TO HELP THE TOWN OF TALKING SHOES.

64. NOW, THIS

65. IS WHAT THEY'RE CALLING CHILDREN'S PROGRAMMING.

66. NOW, MORE THAN EVER, WE NEED WATCHDOGS.

67. WATCHDOGS LIKE CLIFF AND MARY PORTIS FROM MY HOME DISTRICT,

68. WHO ORGANIZED A ROUND-ROBIN T.V. WATCHING MARATHON

69. THAT WATCHED OVER 90 HOURS OF TELEVISION,

70. AND WROTE ONE, 450-PAGE ANGRY LETTER

71. TO TWO OF THE THREE MAJOR NETWORKS.

72. AND THEY'RE ALSO WITH US TONIGHT.

73. CLIFF AND MARY, PLEASE STAND UP.

74. THANK YOU, THANK YOU.

75. THANK YOU.

76. TWO MINUTES FOR YOU, MR. WHITESIDE.

77. CECIL AND MARTHA MENDLEMEN ARE AN ELDERLY BLIND COUPLE FROM MY HOME COUNTY.

78. DUE TO GOVERNMENT CUTBACKS, WHICH I OPPOSED,

79. BECAUSE OF THE SOCIAL INEQUITIES THEY FOSTER,

80. CECIL AND MARTHA FOUND THEMSELVES

81. LATE ONE NIGHT, LOST, BLIND,

82. AND IN A VERY ROUGH NEIGHBORHOOD.

83. THANKS TO AN OUTREACH PROGRAM THEY STARTED, THEY MADE IT HOME SAFELY.

84. OH, AND ONE OTHER THING, THEY'RE HERE WITH US TONIGHT.

85. CECIL, MARTHA, WOULD YOU PLEASE STAND UP?

86. YES, PLEASE FOLKS.

87. THANK YOU, THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

88. THANK YOU, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN. THANK YOU, THANK YOU.

89. TWO MINUTES, MR. FITZPATRICK.

90. I WASN'T TOLD THAT WE COULD BRING GUESTS.

91. BUT, YOU KNOW, WELL...

92. YOU KNOW, HEY, EVERYBODY'S GOT IT ROUGH, RIGHT?

93. I MEAN,

94. TAKE A LOOK AT THIS GUY, STAND UP, SIR.

95. COME ON, THIS GUY SHOWED UP TONIGHT, HUH?

96. HOW 'BOUT HIM? WHAT ABOUT HIM? I MEAN, LOOK AT HIM.

97. HEY, HEY FOLKS,

98. THIS GUY CAN'T BE DOING TOO GREAT, HUH?

99. I MEAN, LOOK AT THAT SUIT, HUH?

100. DID HE JUST WAKE UP FAT TODAY AND SQUEEZE INTO YESTERDAY'S SUIT,

101. IS THAT IT, SIR?

102. PICK A WAIST SIZE AND STICK WITH IT, YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?

103. WHERE YOU FROM, SIR?

104. RHODE ISLAND.

105. REALLY? WHICH PART?

106. PAWTUCKET. NO, NO, NO.

107. WHICH PART OF YOU, YOU FAT BASTARD?

108. HEY, HEY, THANK YOU, ALL RIGHT.

109. SIT DOWN, ENJOY THE DEBATE, FATTY.

110. SENATOR, PLEASE TALK ABOUT YOUR SUPPORT

111. OF REDUCED RISK LOANS.

112. RIGHT.

113. AN EXAMPLE I OFTEN CITE IS A MAN I MET IN COLLEGE—

114. ( Sen. Fitzpatrick ) BORING!

115. WHO, THOUGH OF HUMBLE BEGINNINGS,

116. STARTED A CHAIN OF ALL-YOU-CAN-EAT CAFETERIAS.

117. ( crowd member ) NEXT!

118. AND YOU BETTER GET THERE BEFORE THIS GUY DOES, HUH?

119. HEY COME ON, SIR, STAND UP AGAIN, PLEASE.

120. LOOK AT THIS DUDE, MAN, ALL FAT, MAN!

121. HEY, HEY, DID SECURITY CHECK YOUR JOWLS BEFORE YOU CAME IN?

122. IT LOOKS LIKE YOU'VE GOT MUD FLAPS FOR YOUR NECK!

123. THANK YOU.

124. THANK YOU, SENATOR. THAT'S FUNNY BECAUSE IT'S SO TRUE.

125. MR. WHITESIDE,

126. PLEASE TELL US YOUR POSITION ON DEFENSE SPENDING.

127. WELL, SIR, I THINK WE FOUND OUR SOLUTION TO DEFENSE SPENDING

128. RIGHT OVER HERE!

129. COME ON, GET UP, BUDDY, COME ON...

130. COME ON, UP ON YOUR FEET, IF YOU CAN STAND IT!

131. ANY POTENTIAL ENEMIES OUT HERE, I'LL TELL YOU WHAT WE'RE GOING TO DO.

132. MAKE THIS GUY SKIP LUNCH, THEN GIVE HIM A TWINKIE TO KICK ALL YOUR ASSES!

133. ( sniffling )

134. WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

135. HEY, HEY, NO, NO, DON'T, DON'T CRY.

136. UH, WE DON'T HAVE FLOOD INSURANCE!

137. ( audience jeering )

138. OKAY, ALL RIGHT.

139. HEY, UH, UH, IS THIS YOUR WIFE?

140. YEAH, I GOT GOOD NEWS FOR THE TWO OF YOU. YOU CAN BOTH DO BETTER!

141. ( gavel pounding )

142. ( audience jeers )

143. YOUR TIME IS UP.

144. NOT VERY FUNNY, JUST PLAIN MEAN.

145. MR. FITZPATRICK, A REBUTTAL?

146. UH, YEAH.

147. LISTEN, SIR, COULD YOU STAND UP ONE MORE TIME...

148. PLEASE, BE NICE, SUPPORT HIM, PLEASE.

149. HEY LISTEN, LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING FOLKS,

150. IT'S GREAT WHEN WE CAN GET TOGETHER

151. AND HAVE FUN WITH OUR DIFFERENCES, ISN'T IT?

152. NOW LISTEN, I LOVE THIS FAT MAN.

153. AND WHEN I INSULT HIM,

154. WHEN I INSULT HIM, IT'S BECAUSE,

155. A PART OF ME IS A FAT MAN, TOO.

156. THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU.

157. HEY, HEY! THIS GUY OVER HERE'S GOING, "WHICH PART?"

158. EASY, QUEER!

159. HEY, JACKIE,

160. CHAMPAGNE FOR THE LARD-ASS AND THE QUEER.

161. ALL RIGHT, VOTE FOR ME!

162. THE BLACK GUY IN THE BACK'S GOING, "HOW DO I..."

163. ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT,

164. I GOT A LOT OF PEOPLE TO THANK.

165. I WANT TO THANK MY WIFE.

166. LOOK AT THAT FACE. NOW, IF YOU WERE MARRIED TO THAT, YOU'D RUN, TOO!

167. AND MY SON, TIMMY.

168. AND MY DAUGHTER, TIMMY.

169. GET USED TO WORKING IN BOOTHS, KID, THAT'S ALL I'M SAYING.

170. AND THE FAT GUY, THE FAT GUY!

171. HE HAS BEEN WITH ME SINCE THE FIRST DEBATE.

172. IT'S ALL IN GOOD FUN. NO, IT ISN'T.

173. ( band strikes up )

174. AH, JEAN-BAPTISE PHILOUZA'S MARCH NO.34.

175. YOU MAY RECOGNIZE IT AS THE VICTORY MARCH

176. FROM NUMEROUS ELECTION CAMPAIGNS.

177. ONE OF THE MOST INSPIRING MELODIES EVER WRITTEN.

178. WOULDN'T IT BE GREAT TO OWN ALL OF THE WORLD'S

179. MOST BEAUTIFUL SONGS IN ONE COLLECTION?

180. SONGS LIKE:

181. AND SO MANY MORE.

182. THESE SONGS ARE NOT AVAILABLE IN ANY STORE,

183. NOR IN ANY SINGLE COLLECTION,

184. NOR THROUGH ANY TELEVISION OFFER.

185. THIS IS YOUR OPPORTUNITY

186. TO PROVIDE ME WITH THE SONGS I LOVE,

187. IN ONE COLLECTION.

188. SONGS TO FILL MY LIFE WITH MUSIC, BEAUTIFUL MUSIC, LIKE:

189. BY WHOEVER THAT WAS, FROM APOCALYPSE NOW

190. YOU REMEMBER IT.

191. ALSO, LET'S SEE, I WOULD LIKE VIVALDI'S THE FOUR SEASONS.

192. THAT'S FROM SOMETHING.

193. AND, OH, BOLERO, GET ME BOLERO.

194. UH, BEETHOVEN, ANYTHING BY BEETHOVEN.

195. OH, I WANT SOME BACH. BACH, GET HIM, TOO, YES.

196. I LIVE ALONE IN THIS BEAUTIFUL MANSION IN CONNECTICUT

197. AND I HAVE A LOT OF FREE TIME

198. TO LISTEN TO THE WORLD'S GREAT MASTERS.

199. WON'T YOU ORDER NOW?

200. OH, AND IF YOU ORDER RIGHT AWAY,

201. I'LL ALSO ACCEPT A TAPE OF CRAZY SONGS BY SPIKE JONES,

202. THE CLOWN PRINCE OF MUSIC.

203. ( horns going off )

204. ALSO NEED A PINT OF MILK AND SOME ORANGE SODA,

205. MY GRANDKIDS ARE COMING OVER.

206. ( announcer ) AND NOW, INSIDE THE ACTOR,

207. FILMED AT THE ACTOR'S INSTITUTE FOR STUDYING ACTORS,

208. WITH YOUR HOST, CYRUS CASTILLA TETLEY,

209. AUTHOR OF ACTORS, ACTING, ACTIST.

210. THE ACTOR KNOWETH THY WAY,

211. THE WAY BEHOLDETH THE ACTOR.

212. A THOUGHT FROM ECHELIST THE ELDER,

213. AND SURELY HE WAS TALKING ABOUT MY GUEST TONIGHT,

214. A BOUNTIFUL TREAT FROM WHICH I INVITE YOU TO PARTAKE,

215. ACTOR RYAN DORN.

216. THANKS A LOT, MAN.

217. WHAT?

218. NOTHING.

219. I'M JUST LOOKING AT YOU.

220. ACTOR RYAN DORN.

221. YOUR FIRST VENTURE INTO THE GLITTERING LIGHTS

222. WAS AS A PRE-TEEN PERFORMING SOLILOQUIES

223. URGING THE USE OF TOPICAL MEDICATIONS.

224. YEAH, I DID SOME UH, COMMERCIALS FOR ZIT CREAM.

225. AND NO ONE WAS LEFT UNMOVED.

226. YOU KNOW, IT'S ACTUALLY KIND OF FUNNY, 'CAUSE

227. I STILL HAVE THAT FIRST SCRIPT

228. FROM THAT FIRST COMMERCIAL AUDITION.

229. FRAME IT!

230. BURY IT!

231. WALK 20 PACES AWAY, DIG IT UP IN 15 YEARS

232. AND TEACH THE WORLD TO SING!

233. NOW, RYAN,

234. QUESTIONS, QUERIES, QUE-ESTS!

235. MR. DORN, I'M A DRAMATIC DIRECTOR STUDENT

236. HERE AT THE INSTITUTE. AND I HEARD YOU PLAN TO GO TO FRANCE SOON.

237. MY QUESTION IS—

238. WHO DARES QUESTION RYAN DORN?

239. YEAH, I AM GOING TO FRANCE

240. TO PROMOTE AN EAR WAX REMOVAL SYSTEM,

241. AND, YOU KNOW, I'M THINKING ABOUT GETTING INTO SOME FOREIGN FILMS,

242. BECAUSE I LOVE 'EM AND

243. THEY DON'T DO ENOUGH OF 'EM OUT IN HOLLYWOOD.

244. I'M ALSO THINKING ABOUT GETTING INTO DIRECTING

245. AND NOVELS AND MAGAZINES.

246. OH, MADRE DIOS,

247. HAVE MINE EARS BEWITCHED ME WITH WHISPERS OF XANADU?

248. RYAN DORN,

249. ACTOR,

250. TOUCHER OF SOULS,

251. IS GOING TO WRITE A NOVEL, AND,

252. DIRECT IT?

253. I'VE HAD SOME MEETINGS ON IT.

254. MEETINGS ALREADY.

255. CLAP, YOU PHILISTINES!

256. MAKE A BIT MORE NOISE!

257. HUZZAH! HUZZAH!

258. SILENCE!

259. NOW, RYAN DORN,

260. IN ORDER TO GAIN GREATER INSIGHT

261. INTO THE ACTUAL WORKINGS OF AN ACTOR,

262. I, AND A SELECT GROUP OF STUDENTS,

263. WILL BE SHRUNK DOWN AND INJECTED INTO YOUR BODY.

264. I'VE HAD WEIRDER STUFF IN THERE, BELIEVE ME.

265. THE WIT REMAINS.

266. LET US PROCEED.

267. TO THE MATTER-SHRINKER.

268. DARN IT, WE'LL NEVER START THIS FIRE.

269. WELL, IF WE DON'T START THE FIRE,

270. AND WE CAN'T GET THE ACTOR TO SNEEZE. WE'LL BE STUCK HERE FOREVER!

271. AND WHAT IS SO BAD ABOUT THAT?

272. ( roaring )

273. OH NO, THE DINOSAUR IS GOING TO FIND US.

274. OH MY!

275. WHO KNEW THAT THERE WERE LITTLE GIANT DINOSAURS

276. DEEP WITHIN THE WONDERFUL ACTOR'S BODY.

277. WHAT A WONDROUS WORLD, I SHALL NEVER LEAVE!

278. SHUT UP! WE'VE GOTTA GET OUT OF HERE!

279. OH PLEASE, OH PLEASE, OH PLEASE, OH PLEASE.

280. BLINKY, YOU'RE BACK!

281. ( beeping and whirring noises )

282. AND YOU BROUGHT TINDER FOR A FIRE.

283. QUICK, LET'S LIGHT UP AND GET OUT OF HERE

284. BEFORE THE DINOSAUR CATCHES US ALL.

285. OH, TO STAY HERE AMONGST THE BLUE BELLS

286. AND THE HOT LIGHTS OF THE VANITIES.

287. EVEL KNIEVEL, YOU WANT TO COME WITH US?

288. THANKS A LOT, KIDS, BUT I'M GONNA STAY BEHIND.

289. I'M JUMPING THE PANCREAS NEXT WEEK.

290. ALRIGHT, EVERYBODY, HERE COMES A SNEEZE!

291. ( screaming )

292. SOIL, EARTH.

293. THE LATINS HAD A WORD FOR IT:

294. TERRA.

295. IT MEANS SOIL, OR EARTH, OUR MOTHER EARTH.

296. THERE ARE FIVE BILLION PEOPLE ON THIS PLANET,

297. THAT'S 10 BILLION FEET.

298. AND THOSE THAT DON'T HAVE FEET

299. PROBABLY HAVE A WHEELCHAIR OR CRUTCHES,

300. OR PROSTHETIC LEGS.

301. SO, ROUGHLY, THE SAME THING.

302. 10 BILLION FEET ALL COMING DOWN ON OUR MOTHER EARTH.

303. BUT AT WHAT COST?

304. AN ALARMING NEW STUDY PUT OUT BY SCIENTIST DR. TODD BRUMAN,

305. THEORIZES THAT IF WE KEEP WALKING AT OUR CURRENT PACE,

306. THERE WILL BE NO EARTH TO WALK ON

307. BY THE END OF THE NEXT MILLENNIUM.

308. EACH TIME YOU WALK, THREE THINGS HAPPEN.

309. THE DOCTOR EXPLAINED THAT EACH TIME YOU TAKE A STEP, THREE THINGS HAPPEN.

310. THE FIRST THING THAT HAPPENS,

311. I CAN'T SAY FOR SECURITY REASONS.

312. THE SECOND THING THAT HAPPENS

313. IS THAT SOME OF THE PRESSURE FROM THE BALL OF YOUR FOOT

314. PUSHES DOWN ON THE EARTH, COMPACTING IT.

315. THROUGH A SERIES OF HAND GESTURES AND WORDS,

316. HE EXPLAINED THE FIRST TWO THINGS THAT HAPPEN.

317. HE THEN PROCEEDED TO TELL, OR SAY,

318. THE THIRD THING, OR POINT.

319. THE THIRD THING THAT HAPPENS IS

320. THAT A LITTLE BIT OF DIRT, OR, DUST,

321. IS KICKED UP INTO THE AIR.

322. AND OF THIS AMOUNT THAT'S KICKED UP INTO THE AIR,

323. A CERTAIN AMOUNT OF IT CATCHES A WIND CURRENT,

324. MUCH AS A

325. PROFESSIONAL SURFER WOULD

326. CATCH A WAVE DURING A COMPETITION.

327. MUCH LIKE THE PROFESSIONAL TRICK SURFER,

328. WHOSE LIFE IS FILLED WITH DREAMS AND LOFTY ASPIRATIONS,

329. THE DIRT WILL RIDE AN AIR CURRENT

330. OUT TO THE STRATOSPHERE.

331. SOME OF IT GOING AS FAR AS PLUTO.

332. NOW DOCTOR, WOULDN'T THE INVERSE BE TRUE,

333. WOULDN'T DIRT FROM PLUTO LAND ON THE EARTH?

334. HMM, ARE THERE PEOPLE WALKING AROUND ON PLUTO?

335. UMM, LET ME CHECK.

336. NOPE, I DON'T THINK THERE ARE, ARE THERE?

337. I ASKED THE DOCTOR WHAT MEASURES WE EARTHLINGS CAN TAKE

338. TO COUNTER THIS DESTRUCTION.

339. STOP WALKING.

340. DOCTOR, THAT'S JUST NOT GOING TO BE FEASIBLE FOR A NUMBER OF PEOPLE.

341. WELL, WALK DIFFERENTLY THEN.

342. I'VE DEVELOPED A NEW MANNER OF WALKING.

343. DR. BRUMAN TOOK ME TO A SECRET GARDEN LAB

344. WHERE HE DEMONSTRATED THIS NEW MANNER OF WALKING.

345. AND THE ANGLE OF THE FOOT,

346. NO, NOT THE BALL OF THE FOOT!

347. THE EDGE!

348. ( Bruman ) INSTEAD OF WALKING, WE'RE GOING TO SKITTER.

349. LET'S GO FOR A SKITTER.

350. LET'S, SKITTER AROUND THE BLOCK.

351. OH, DAMMIT! WELL, I'M TRYING—

352. YOU'RE NOT LISTENING TO ME.

353. I'M LISTENING.

354. SKITTER, SKITTER, OKAY, OKAY.

355. ( Flanks ) WITH SUCH RADICAL THEORIES,

356. THE DOCTOR'S NOT WITHOUT HIS DETRACTORS,

357. INCLUDING DR. AUSTIN PARLMER,

358. WHO I WAS TO INTERVIEW LATER THAT DAY.

359. HE'LL USE WORDS TO DESCRIBE ME, OKAY?

360. HE'LL USE WORDS LIKE IDIOT, OR CLOWN,

361. THE PINHEAD, THE MORON.

362. MORON, LUNATIC,

363. BUFFOON, LOOPY,

364. BANANER. I CALLED HIM DUMB.

365. OH, I ALSO SAID HE WAS EL LOCO.

366. DOOFUS, A NERD OF SORTS.

367. I ALSO CALLED HIM AN A-#1, TOP OF THE LINE, JERK.

368. A-#1 JERK-OFF, I THINK HE USED.

369. YOU KNOW, I HAVE PHOTOGRAPHS OF DR. PARLMER

370. AT THE RACETRACK, GAMBLING. WELL, THAT'S—

371. SO IF YOU'RE GONNA GO OUT AND TALK TO,

372. GAMBLERS AND MASTURBATORS...

373. LOOK, WHAT SIZE SHOE DO YOU WEAR?

374. I'M A 10 AND A HALF.

375. WHAT ARE YOU MARKING DOWN THERE?

376. ( Flanks ) WILL MANKIND HAVE THE PATIENCE

377. TO LEARN HOW TO SKITTER,

378. EVEN IF IT MEANS BEING BERATED BY PEOPLE

379. WHO ALREADY KNOW WHAT THEY'RE TALKING ABOUT

380. AND AREN'T VERY GOOD TEACHERS,

381. 'CAUSE THEY DON'T HAVE THE PATIENCE TO...

382. I MEAN, I'M NOT A MINDREADER.

383. THAT GUY WAS A JERK.

384. YOU SAW THAT.

385. ( announcer ) EARTH SHOES IS PART THREE IN THE FIVE-PART SERIES,

386. BROUGHT TO YOU BY,

387. A FAMILY OF OIL AND ENERGY COMPANIES,

388. PROUD TO SPONSOR THE FINAL DAYS OF PLANET EARTH.

389. CHARLEMAGNE

390. SITTING BULL

391. CHAKA ZULU

392. THAT WAS THE SONG, GOODBYE 2 EVERY 1 EVER

393. BY THREE TIMES ONE MINUS ONE,

394. OUR FIRST NOMINEE FOR THIS YEAR'S TEARDROP AWARD.

395. IT'S TRUE, EVERYBODY LOVES TO CRY,

396. AND WHAT CAN MAKE US CRY MORE THAN A SAD SONG?

397. I DON'T KNOW.

398. SAD SONGS ARE NATURE'S ONIONS.

399. THESE ARE THE SONGS THAT THE TEARDROP AWARD RECOGNIZES.

400. THE OTHER NOMINEES FOR THIS YEAR'S TEARDROP

401. FOR SADDEST SONG ARE:

402. WILLIPS BRIGHTON FOR HIS POWERFUL SONG

403. ABOUT HIS STRUGGLE WITH HERPES SIMPLEX II,

404. A MOUTHFUL OF SORES.

405. VERY MOVING.

406. OUR LAST NOMINEE IS HORACE LOEB

407. FOR HIS MOVING SONG ABOUT THE DEATH OF HIS FIVE-YEAR OLD SON:

408. HEAVEN BETTER SAVE SOME TEARS.

409. I'LL MISS YOU, MY SON.

410. ALSO VERY MOVING.

411. AND THE WINNER IS...

412. HORACE LOEB.

413. OH, YEAH!

414. WHOO-HOO-HOO! YEAH!

415. OH, MAN!

416. OH, GOD!

417. OH GOD, THIS IS GREAT!

418. GOD, I FEEL... THIS IS A KICK-ASS THING!

419. OH, THIS IS LIKE THE ULTIMATE ORGASM!

420. OKAY,

421. THIS MONDAY, IT WILL BE ONE YEAR

422. SINCE MY SON TRAGICALLY PASSED AWAY.

423. AND, I CAN'T THINK OF A MORE EXHILARATING FEELING

424. THAN WHAT I HAVE NOW. I MEAN, THIS IS JUST...

425. GOD! I'M SO NERVOUS!

426. OH, MAN!

427. I WISH MY BOY COULD BE DOWN HERE,

428. TO SHARE THIS WITH ME.

429. BUT THEN I WOULDN'T HAVE WRITTEN THE SONG, SO SCRATCH THAT.

430. I DON'T...

431. BUDDY, THIS IS FOR YOU!

432. THIS IS LIKE A NON-STOP EROTIC CABARET!

433. A TRAGIC SCENE HERE TONIGHT.

434. AFTER WINNING HIS FIRST TEARDROP AWARD,

435. ROCKER HORACE LOEB,

436. WAS IN THE MIDST OF A CELEBRATORY ARM GESTURE

437. WHEN HE LOST CONTROL OF THE AWARD,

438. WHICH FOUND ITS WAY INTO THE CHEST

439. OF SON OF SONGWRITER WILLIPS BRIGHTON.

440. ( Dunwitz ) which found its way into the chest

441. of son of songwriter Willips Brighton.

442. VERY MOVING.

443. THAT WAS WILLIPS BRIGHTON WITH A SOUL-STIRRING SONG

444. ABOUT THE TRAGIC DEATH OF HIS SON.

445. YES.

446. OUR NEXT NOMINEE FOR THE TEARDROP IS HORACE LOEB,

447. FOR HIS HEART-SWELLING TRIBUTE TO THE LATE SON OF WILLIPS BRIGHTON:

448. THERE'S NO MORE ROOM IN HEAVEN.

449. I'LL MISS YOU, WILLIPS BRIGHTON'S SON.

450. ALSO VERY MOVING.

451. SORROW IS THE KEY

452. THAT GETS OUR TEARS OUT OF EYE JAIL.

453. AND THE WINNER IS...

454. OH, MY GOD, IT'S A TIE.

455. WILLIPS BRIGHTON AND HORACE LOEB.

456. OH, YES!

457. WHOO-HOO-HOO!

458. OH, MAN!

459. ANOTHER ONE OF MY BABIES!

460. OH-OH, WOW, BACK TO BACK!

461. WOW, I'M LIKE AN INTERNATIONAL PLAYBOY!

462. LIVIN' LARGE, HUH, WILLIPS?

463. THANK YOU FOR THIS AWARD

464. AND I'M GLAD TO BE UP HERE WITH YOU, HORACE,

465. BECAUSE I HAVE SOMETHING FOR YOU.

466. OH!

467. FOR THE SECOND YEAR IN A ROW,

468. A TRAGIC SCENE HERE AT THE SONG AWARDS,

469. WILLIPS BRIGHTON STABBED ROCKER HORACE LOEB,

470. FATALLY MURDERING HIM.

471. A SAD DAY FOR SAD SONGS.

472. HOWEVER, I'M TOLD HORACE LOEB LEFT BEHIND A VIDEO

473. TO BE PLAYED IN THE EVENT OF HIS OWN DEATH.

474. LET'S ROLL IT.

475. I'LL MISS YOU, ME.

476. THAT'S OUR SHOW.

477. THANKS FOR WATCHIN'.

478. THANKS.

479. MISS BROWNSMITH?

480. SUPERB AS USUAL.

481. CLASS, LET US ALL THANK LUCIEN

482. FOR HIS EXCELLENT PRESENTATION OF SHOW AND TELL.

483. ( with dubbed adult voices ) RAPTURE!

484. MAY MY HANDS CLAP 'TIL THEY BLEED.

485. WHAT WILL HE DO TO TOP THIS?

486. HANDS DOWN, THE FINEST SHOW AND TELL OF THE SEASON.

487. ALL HAIL THE CONQUERING IMPRESARIO.

488. TEARS, TEARS SEASONED WITH JOY.

489. AND DO I DETECT A HINT OF JUNIPER?

490. DRAT! CONFOUND YOU, LUCIEN.

491. YOU BESTED ME HERE.

492. BUT LET'S SEE WHAT HAPPENS AT THE SCIENCE FAIR.

493. LET'S JUST SEE.

494. THE REVIEWS SEEM TO BE UNANIMOUS.

495. I LOVED IT.

496. GOOD FOR THE WHOLE FAMILY!

497. ( children continue cheering )