Mr. Show with Bob and David 4x9

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David decides to run away, The Reason Behind the Content Warnings, Inside The Actor with Cyrus, Land of the Lost Parody, The Teardrop Awards.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. "Dear mr. Show, with bob and

2. "... Danny.

3. I've had it!"

4. David, what's wrong?

5. Why are you running away from the show?

6. Bob, it's these damn content warnings.

7. I mean, they give the whole show away.

8. I mean, how am I supposed to trick little kids

9. Into seeing my butt with these damn warnings

10. On the screen the whole time.

11. Oh great, now there's a new one.

12. Pbd, what does that even mean?

13. gentlemen, please desist.

14. Who are you?

15. I am he, who watches all of television,

16. Than a little child himself?

17. You mean a little bastard.

18. Alright, take it easy, bob. Sorry.

19. It is I who should apologize for being a poor host.

20. Won't you join me on my space pod?

21. Oh, wow!

22. Gentlemen, welcome.

23. Won't you indulge in rich, fancy drinks?

24. I would offer you sweet meats,

25. But I've run short.

26. Perhaps later?

27. Yeah, yeah.

28. Whoa, what is this?

29. Angel's cloud.

30. I'm simply mad for it!

31. Come now, robert, don't be so obdurate.

32. Drink, make merry.

33. Not bad.

34. tangy.

35. Hey, he's getting bigger.

36. Not at all, old boy.

37. It is you who have grown,

38. Smaller!

39. Come, see the world through my eyes.

40. No, stop, you drank too much, stop!

41. Lucien!

42. And no more t.V.

43. They're rated for adults.

44. Yes, but I'm the one who...

45. Oh, goodness!

46. The irony's bittersweet as

47. Tears on turkish delight.

48. That's it.

49. Fine!

50. What will become of television if left unrated?

51. Oh, happenstance!

52. And that's when the kindly caterpillar

53. Waved his magic wand

54. And the giant jelly bean tree

55. Agreed to help the town of talking shoes.

56. Now, this

57. Now, more than ever, we need watchdogs.

58. Who organized a round-Robin t.V. Watching marathon

59. That watched over 90 hours of television,

60. And wrote one, 450-Page angry letter

61. To two of the three major networks.

62. And they're also with us tonight.

63. Cliff and mary, please stand up.

64. Thank you, thank you.

65. Thank you.

66. Due to government cutbacks, which I opposed,

67. Because of the social inequities they foster,

68. Cecil and martha found themselves

69. Late one night, lost, blind,

70. And in a very rough neighborhood.

71. Oh, and one other thing, they're here with us tonight.

72. Cecil, martha, would you please stand up?

73. Yes, please folks.

74. Thank you, thank you very much.

75. Two minutes, mr. Fitzpatrick.

76. I wasn't told that we could bring guests.

77. But, you know, well...

78. You know, hey, everybody's got it rough, right?

79. I mean,

80. Take a look at this guy, stand up, sir.

81. Come on, this guy showed up tonight, huh?

82. Hey, hey folks,

83. This guy can't be doing too great, huh?

84. I mean, look at that suit, huh?

85. Is that it, sir?

86. Where you from, sir?

87. Rhode island.

88. Really? Which part?

89. Pawtucket. No, no, no.

90. Which part of you, you fat bastard?

91. Hey, hey, thank you, all right.

92. Sit down, enjoy the debate, fatty.

93. Of reduced risk loans.

94. Right.

95. An example I often cite is a man I met in college—

96. boring!

97. Who, though of humble beginnings,

98. Started a chain of all-You-Can-Eat cafeterias.

99. next!

100. And you better get there before this guy does, huh?

101. Hey come on, sir, stand up again, please.

102. Look at this dude, man, all fat, man!

103. It looks like you've got mud flaps for your neck!

104. Thank you.

105. Mr. Whiteside,

106. Right over here!

107. Come on, get up, buddy, come on...

108. Come on, up on your feet, if you can stand it!

109. What are you doing?

110. Hey, hey, no, no, don't, don't cry.

111. Uh, we don't have flood insurance!

112. Okay, all right.

113. Hey, uh, uh, is this your wife?

114. Your time is up.

115. Not very funny, just plain mean.

116. Mr. Fitzpatrick, a rebuttal?

117. Uh, yeah.

118. Listen, sir, could you stand up one more time...

119. Please, be nice, support him, please.

120. Hey listen, let me tell you something folks,

121. It's great when we can get together

122. And have fun with our differences, isn't it?

123. Now listen, I love this fat man.

124. And when I insult him,

125. When I insult him, it's because,

126. A part of me is a fat man, too.

127. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

128. Easy, queer!

129. Hey, jackie,

130. All right, vote for me!

131. The black guy in the back's going, "how do I..."

132. All right, all right,

133. I got a lot of people to thank.

134. I want to thank my wife.

135. And my son, timmy.

136. And my daughter, timmy.

137. And the fat guy, the fat guy!

138. He has been with me since the first debate.

139. It's all in good fun. No, it isn't.

140. Ah, jean-Baptise philouza's march no.34.

141. You may recognize it as the victory march

142. From numerous election campaigns.

143. One of the most inspiring melodies ever written.

144. Wouldn't it be great to own all of the world's

145. Most beautiful songs in one collection?

146. Songs like:

147. And so many more.

148. These songs are not available in any store,

149. Nor in any single collection,

150. Nor through any television offer.

151. This is your opportunity

152. To provide me with the songs I love,

153. In one collection.

154. by whoever that was, from apocalypse now

155. You remember it.

156. That's from something.

157. And, oh, bolero, get me bolero.

158. Uh, beethoven, anything by beethoven.

159. Oh, I want some bach. Bach, get him, too, yes.

160. And I have a lot of free time

161. To listen to the world's great masters.

162. Won't you order now?

163. Oh, and if you order right away,

164. The clown prince of music.

165. My grandkids are coming over.

166. and now, inside the actor,

167. With your host, cyrus castilla tetley,

168. Author of actors, acting, actist.

169. The actor knoweth thy way,

170. The way beholdeth the actor.

171. A thought from echelist the elder,

172. And surely he was talking about my guest tonight,

173. Actor ryan dorn.

174. Thanks a lot, man.

175. What?

176. Nothing.

177. I'm just looking at you.

178. Actor ryan dorn.

179. Your first venture into the glittering lights

180. Was as a pre-Teen performing soliloquies

181. Urging the use of topical medications.

182. Yeah, I did some uh, commercials for zit cream.

183. And no one was left unmoved.

184. You know, it's actually kind of funny, 'cause

185. I still have that first script

186. From that first commercial audition.

187. Frame it!

188. Bury it!

189. Walk 20 paces away, dig it up in 15 years

190. And teach the world to sing!

191. Now, ryan,

192. Now, ryan, my students: questions, queries, que-Ests!

193. My question is—

194. Who dares question ryan dorn?

195. Yeah, I am going to france

196. To promote an ear wax removal system,

197. Because I love 'em and

198. They don't do enough of 'em out in hollywood.

199. I'm also thinking about getting into directing

200. And novels and magazines.

201. Oh, madre dios,

202. Ryan dorn,

203. Actor,

204. Toucher of souls,

205. Is going to write a novel, and,

206. Direct it?

207. I've had some meetings on it.

208. Meetings already.

209. Clap, you philistines!

210. Make a bit more noise!

211. Huzzah! Huzzah!

212. Silence!

213. Now, ryan dorn,

214. In order to gain greater insight

215. Into the actual workings of an actor,

216. I, and a select group of students,

217. Will be shrunk down and injected into your body.

218. The wit remains.

219. Let us proceed.

220. To the matter-Shrinker.

221. Darn it, we'll never start this fire.

222. Well, if we don't start the fire,

223. And what is so bad about that?

224. Oh no, the dinosaur is going to find us.

225. Oh my!

226. Who knew that there were little giant dinosaurs

227. Deep within the wonderful actor's body.

228. What a wondrous world, I shall never leave!

229. Shut up! We've gotta get out of here!

230. Oh please, oh please, oh please, oh please.

231. Blinky, you're back!

232. ( Beeping and whirring noises )

233. And you brought tinder for a fire.

234. Quick, let's light up and get out of here

235. Before the dinosaur catches us all.

236. Oh, to stay here amongst the blue bells

237. And the hot lights of the vanities.

238. Thanks a lot, kids, but I'm gonna stay behind.

239. I'm jumping the pancreas next week.

240. Alright, everybody, here comes a sneeze!

241. Soil, earth.

242. The latins had a word for it:

243. Terra.

244. There are five billion people on this planet,

245. That's 10 billion feet.

246. And those that don't have feet

247. Probably have a wheelchair or crutches,

248. Or prosthetic legs.

249. So, roughly, the same thing.

250. But at what cost?

251. There will be no earth to walk on

252. By the end of the next millennium.

253. Each time you walk, three things happen.

254. The first thing that happens,

255. I can't say for security reasons.

256. The second thing that happens

257. Is that some of the pressure from the ball of your foot

258. Pushes down on the earth, compacting it.

259. Through a series of hand gestures and words,

260. He explained the first two things that happen.

261. He then proceeded to tell, or say,

262. The third thing, or point.

263. The third thing that happens is

264. That a little bit of dirt, or, dust,

265. Is kicked up into the air.

266. And of this amount that's kicked up into the air,

267. A certain amount of it catches a wind current,

268. Much as a

269. Professional surfer would

270. Catch a wave during a competition.

271. Much like the professional trick surfer,

272. The dirt will ride an air current

273. Out to the stratosphere.

274. Some of it going as far as pluto.

275. Now doctor, wouldn't the inverse be true,

276. Wouldn't dirt from pluto land on the earth?

277. Hmm, are there people walking around on pluto?

278. Umm, let me check.

279. To counter this destruction.

280. Stop walking.

281. Well, walk differently then.

282. I've developed a new manner of walking.

283. Dr. Bruman took me to a secret garden lab

284. Where he demonstrated this new manner of walking.

285. And the angle of the foot,

286. No, not the ball of the foot!

287. The edge!

288. Let's go for a skitter.

289. Let's, skitter around the block.

290. Oh, dammit! Well, I'm trying—

291. You're not listening to me.

292. I'm listening.

293. Skitter, skitter, okay, okay.

294. with such radical theories,

295. The doctor's not without his detractors,

296. Including dr. Austin parlmer,

297. Who I was to interview later that day.

298. He'll use words to describe me, okay?

299. He'll use words like idiot, or clown,

300. The pinhead, the moron.

301. Moron, lunatic,

302. Buffoon, loopy,

303. Bananer. I called him dumb.

304. Oh, I also said he was el loco.

305. Doofus, a nerd of sorts.

306. A-#1 jerk-Off, I think he used.

307. You know, I have photographs of dr. Parlmer

308. At the racetrack, gambling. Well, that's—

309. So if you're gonna go out and talk to,

310. Gamblers and masturbators...

311. Look, what size shoe do you wear?

312. I'm a 10 and a half.

313. What are you marking down there?

314. To learn how to skitter,

315. Even if it means being berated by people

316. Who already know what they're talking about

317. And aren't very good teachers,

318. 'Cause they don't have the patience to...

319. I mean, I'm not a mindreader.

320. That guy was a jerk.

321. You saw that.

322. Brought to you by,

323. A family of oil and energy companies,

324. Charlemagne

325. Sitting bull

326. Chaka zulu

327. That was the song, goodbye 2 every 1 ever

328. By three times one minus one,

329. Our first nominee for this year's teardrop award.

330. It's true, everybody loves to cry,

331. And what can make us cry more than a sad song?

332. I don't know.

333. Sad songs are nature's onions.

334. The other nominees for this year's teardrop

335. For saddest song are:

336. Willips brighton for his powerful song

337. About his struggle with herpes simplex ii,

338. A mouthful of sores.

339. Very moving.

340. Our last nominee is horace loeb

341. Heaven better save some tears.

342. I'll miss you, my son.

343. Also very moving.

344. And the winner is...

345. Horace loeb.

346. Oh, yeah!

347. Whoo-Hoo-Hoo! Yeah!

348. Oh, man!

349. Oh, god!

350. Oh god, this is great!

351. God, I feel... this is a kick-Ass thing!

352. Oh, this is like the ultimate orgasm!

353. Okay,

354. This monday, it will be one year

355. Since my son tragically passed away.

356. And, I can't think of a more exhilarating feeling

357. Than what I have now. I mean, this is just...

358. God! I'm so nervous!

359. Oh, man!

360. I wish my boy could be down here,

361. To share this with me.

362. I don't...

363. Buddy, this is for you!

364. This is like a non-Stop erotic cabaret!

365. A tragic scene here tonight.

366. After winning his first teardrop award,

367. Rocker horace loeb,

368. Was in the midst of a celebratory arm gesture

369. When he lost control of the award,

370. Which found its way into the chest

371. Of son of songwriter willips brighton.

372. Of son of songwriter willips brighton.

373. Very moving.

374. That was willips brighton with a soul-Stirring song

375. About the tragic death of his son.

376. Yes.

377. There's no more room in heaven.

378. I'll miss you, willips brighton's son.

379. Also very moving.

380. Sorrow is the key

381. That gets our tears out of eye jail.

382. And the winner is...

383. Oh, my god, it's a tie.

384. Willips brighton and horace loeb.

385. Oh, yes!

386. Whoo-Hoo-Hoo!

387. Oh, man!

388. Another one of my babies!

389. Oh-Oh, wow, back to back!

390. Wow, I'm like an international playboy!

391. Livin' large, huh, willips?

392. Thank you for this award

393. And I'm glad to be up here with you, horace,

394. Because I have something for you.

395. Oh!

396. For the second year in a row,

397. A tragic scene here at the song awards,

398. Willips brighton stabbed rocker horace loeb,

399. Fatally murdering him.

400. A sad day for sad songs.

401. To be played in the event of his own death.

402. Let's roll it.

403. I'll miss you, me.

404. That's our show.

405. Thanks for watchin'.

406. Thanks.

407. Miss brownsmith?

408. Superb as usual.

409. Class, let us all thank lucien

410. For his excellent presentation of show and tell.

411. rapture!

412. May my hands clap 'til they bleed.

413. What will he do to top this?

414. All hail the conquering impresario.

415. Tears, tears seasoned with joy.

416. And do I detect a hint of juniper?

417. Drat! Confound you, lucien.

418. You bested me here.

419. But let's see what happens at the science fair.

420. Let's just see.

421. The reviews seem to be unanimous.

422. I loved it.

423. Good for the whole family!