1. "DEAR MR. SHOW,
WITH BOB AND...
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2. "... DANNY.
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3. I'VE HAD IT!"
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4. DAVID, WHAT'S WRONG?
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5. WHY ARE YOU RUNNING
AWAY FROM THE SHOW?
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6. BOB, IT'S THESE DAMN
CONTENT WARNINGS.
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7. I MEAN, THEY GIVE
THE WHOLE SHOW AWAY.
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8. I MEAN, HOW AM I SUPPOSED
TO TRICK LITTLE KIDS
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9. INTO SEEING MY BUTT
WITH THESE DAMN WARNINGS,
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10. THEY'RE ON THE SCREEN
THE WHOLE TIME.
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11. OH GREAT, NOW
THERE'S A NEW ONE.
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12. PBD, WHAT DOES
THAT EVEN MEAN?
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13. GENTLEMEN,
PLEASE DESIST.
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14. THE ANSWER TO YOUR
IMPERTINENT QUESTION IS SIMPLE.
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15. PBD STANDS FOR
"POTENTIAL BUTTOCKS
DISPLAY."
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16. WHO ARE YOU?
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17. I AM HE, WHO WATCHES
ALL OF TELEVISION.
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18. CROWNING SHOWS WITH
THE WARNINGS BEFITTING THEM.
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19. AFTERALL, WHO BETTER TO DECIDE
WHAT A CHILD SHOULD SEE,
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20. THEN A LITTLE
CHILD HIMSELF.
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21. YOU MEAN
A LITTLE BASTARD.
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22. ALRIGHT, TAKE
IT EASY, BOB.
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23. UH, SORRY.
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24. IT IS I WHO SHOULD
APOLOGIZE FOR BEING
A POOR HOST.
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25. WON'T YOU JOIN ME
ON MY SPACE POD?
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26. OH WOW!
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27. GENTLEMEN,
WELCOME.
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28. WON'T YOU INDULGE
IN RICH, FANCY DRINKS?
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29. I WOULD OFFER
YOU SWEET MEATS,
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30. BUT I'VE RUN SHORT.
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31. PERHAPS LATER?
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32. YEAH, YEAH.
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33. WHOA, WHAT
IS THIS?
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34. ANGEL'S CLOUD.
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35. I'M SIMPLY
MAD FOR IT!
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36. COME NOW, ROBERT,
DON'T BE SO OBDURATE.
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37. DRINK, MAKE MERRY.
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38. NOT BAD.
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39. ( David )
TANGY...
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40. HEY, HE'S
GETTING BIGGER.
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41. NOT AT ALL,
OLD BOY.
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42. IT IS YOU WHO
HAVE GROWN,
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43. SMALLER!
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44. COME, SEE THE WORLD
THROUGH MY EYES.
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45. NO, STOP, YOU
DRANK TOO MUCH, STOP!
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46. ( male )
LUCIEN!
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47. SO, YOU'RE THE ONE WHO'S
DRINKING ALL THE ANGEL CLOUD.
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48. YOU'RE GONNA GET
THE WHIPPING OF
YOUR LIFE.
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49. AND NO MORE T.V.
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50. YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO
WATCH THESE SHOWS ANYWAY,
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51. THEY'RE RATED
FOR ADULTS.
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52. YES, BUT I'M
THE ONE WHO...
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53. OH GOODNESS!
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54. THE IRONY'S
BITTERSWEET AS...
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55. TEARS ON...
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56. TURKISH DELIGHT.
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57. THAT'S IT.
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58. I'M GONNA BEAT THOSE
BIG WORDS RIGHT OUTTA YOU!
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59. MY!
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60. WHAT WILL BECOME OF
TELEVISION IF LEFT UNRATED?
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61. OH HAPPENSTANCE!
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62. AND THAT'S WHEN
THE KINDLY CATERPILLAR
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63. WAVED HIS MAGIC WAND
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64. AND THE GIANT
JELLY BEAN TREE
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65. AGREED TO HELP
THE TOWN OF TALKING SHOES.
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66. NOW THIS,
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67. IS WHAT THEY'RE
CALLING CHILDREN'S
PROGRAMMING.
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68. NOW, MORE THAN EVER,
WE NEED WATCHDOGS.
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69. WATCHDOGS LIKE
CLIFF AND MARY PORTIS
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70. FROM MY HOME
DISTRICT,
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71. WHO ORGANIZED A ROUND ROBIN
TV WATCHING MARATHON
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72. THAT WATCHED OVER
90 HOURS OF TELEVISION,
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73. AND WROTE ONE,
450 PAGE ANGRY LETTER
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74. TO TWO OF THE THREE
MAJOR NETWORKS.
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75. AND THEY'RE ALSO
WITH US TONIGHT.
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76. CLIFF AND MARY,
PLEASE STAND UP.
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77. THANK YOU,
THANK YOU.
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78. THANK YOU.
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79. TWO MINUTES
FOR YOU,
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80. MR. WHITESIDE.
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81. CECIL AND MARTHA MENDLEMEN
ARE AN ELDERLY BLIND COUPLE
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82. FROM MY HOME COUNTY.
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83. DUE TO GOVERNMENT CUTBACKS,
WHICH I OPPOSED,
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84. BECAUSE OF THE SOCIAL
INEQUITIES THEY FOSTER,
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85. CECIL AND MARTHA
FOUND THEMSELVES,
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86. LATE ONE NIGHT,
LOST, BLIND,
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87. AND IN A VERY
ROUGH NEIGHBORHOOD.
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88. THANKS TO AN OUTREACH
PROGRAM THEY STARTED,
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89. THEY MADE IT
HOME SAFELY.
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90. OH, AND ONE OTHER THING,
THEY'RE HERE WITH US TONIGHT.
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91. CECIL, MARTHA, WOULD
YOU PLEASE STAND UP?
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92. YES, PLEASE FOLKS.
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93. THANK YOU,
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
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94. THANK YOU, LADIES
AND GENTLEMEN.
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95. THANK YOU, THANK YOU.
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96. TWO MINUTES,
MR. FITZPATRICK.
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97. UMM,
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98. I WASN'T TOLD THAT
WE COULD BRING GUESTS.
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99. BUT UH, YOU KNOW, WELL...
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100. YOU KNOW, HEY, EVERYBODY'S
GOT IT ROUGH, RIGHT?
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101. I MEAN...
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102. TAKE A LOOK AT THIS GUY,
STAND UP, SIR.
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103. COME ON, THIS GUY
SHOWED UP TONIGHT, HUH?
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104. HOW 'BOUT HIM?
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105. WHAT ABOUT HIM?
I MEAN, LOOK AT HIM.
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106. HUH?
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107. HEY, HEY FOLKS,
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108. THIS GUY CAN'T BE
DOING TOO GREAT, HUH?
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109. I MEAN, LOOK AT
THAT SUIT, HUH?
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110. DID HE JUST WAKE UP
FAT TODAY AND SQUEEZE
INTO YESTERDAY'S SUIT,
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111. IS THAT IT, SIR?
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112. I MEAN, PICK A WAIST SIZE
AND STICK WITH IT,
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113. YOU KNOW WHAT
I'M SAYING?
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114. WHERE YOU
FROM, SIR?
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115. RHODE ISLAND.
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116. OH REALLY?
WHICH PART?
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117. PAWTUCKET.
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118. NO, NO, NO.
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119. WHICH PART OF YOU,
YOU FAT BASTARD!
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120. HEY, HEY, THANK YOU,
ALRIGHT.
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121. SIT DOWN, ENJOY
THE DEBATE, FATTY.
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122. SENATOR,
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123. PLEASE TALK ABOUT
YOUR SUPPORT
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124. OF REDUCED
RISK LOANS.
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125. RIGHT.
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126. AN EXAMPLE I OFTEN CITE
IS A MAN I MET IN COLLEGE...
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127. ( Sen. Fitzpatrick )
BORING... !
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128. ALTHOUGH OF
HUMBLE BEGINNINGS,
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129. STARTED A CHAIN OF
ALL-YOU-CAN-EAT CAFETERIAS.
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130. NEXT!
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131. AND YOU BETTER GET THERE
BEFORE THIS GUY DOES, HUH?
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132. HEY COME ON, SIR,
STAND UP AGAIN, PLEASE.
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133. COME ON,
PLEASE, PLEASE.
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134. LOOK AT THIS DUDE,
MAN, ALL FAT, MAN!
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135. HEY, HEY, DID SECURITY
CHECK YOUR JOWLS
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136. BEFORE YOU CAME IN?
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137. IT LOOKS LIKE YOU'VE GOT
MUD FLAPS FOR YOUR NECK!
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138. THANK YOU.
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139. THANK YOU,
SENATOR,
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140. THAT'S FUNNY BECAUSE
IT'S SO TRUE.
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141. MR. WHITESIDE,
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142. PLEASE TELL US
YOUR POSITION ON
DEFENSE SPENDING.
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143. WELL, SIR, I THINK
WE FOUND OUR SOLUTION
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144. TO DEFENSE SPENDING...
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145. RIGHT OVER HERE!
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146. COME ON, GET UP,
BUDDY, COME ON...
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147. COME ON, UP
ON YOUR FEET!
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148. IF YOU CAN
STAND IT!
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149. ALRIGHT, ANY POTENTIAL
ENEMIES OUT HERE?
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150. I'LL TELL YOU WHAT
WE'RE GOING TO DO.
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151. MAKE THIS GUY SKIP LUNCH,
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152. THEN GIVE HIM A TWINKIE
TO KICK ALL YOUR ASSES!
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153. WHAT ARE
YOU DOING?
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154. HEY, HEY, NO, NO,
DON'T, DON'T CRY.
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155. UH, WE DON'T HAVE
FLOOD INSURANCE!
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156. OKAY, ALRIGHT, UMM...
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157. HEY, UH, UH,
IS THIS YOUR WIFE?
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158. YEAH, I GOT GOOD NEWS
FOR THE TWO OF YOU.
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159. YOU CAN BOTH
DO BETTER!
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160. YOUR TIME IS UP.
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161. NOT VERY FUNNY,
JUST PLAIN MEAN.
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162. MR. FITZPATRICK,
A REBUTTAL?
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163. UH, YEAH.
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164. LISTEN, SIR, COULD YOU
STAND UP ONE MORE TIME...
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165. PLEASE, BE NICE,
SUPPORT HIM, PLEASE.
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166. HEY LISTEN, LET ME TELL
YOU SOMETHING FOLKS,
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167. IT'S GREAT WHEN
WE CAN GET TOGETHER
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168. AND HAVE FUN WITH OUR
DIFFERENCES, ISN'T IT?
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169. NOW LISTEN,
I LOVE THIS FAT MAN.
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170. AND WHEN I INSULT HIM,
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171. WHEN I INSULT HIM,
IT'S BECAUSE,
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172. A PART OF ME
IS A FAT MAN, TOO.
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173. THANK YOU, THANK YOU,
THANK YOU.
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174. HEY, HEY!
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175. THIS GUY OVER HERE'S
GOING, "WHICH PART?"
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176. EASY QUEER!
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177. HEY, JACKIE,
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178. CHAMPAGNE FOR
THE LARD-ASS AND THE QUEER.
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179. ALRIGHT,
VOTE FOR ME!
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180. THE BLACK GUY IN THE BACK'S
GOING, "HOW DO I... "
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181. ALRIGHT, ALRIGHT,
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182. ALRIGHT, I GOT A LOT
OF PEOPLE TO THANK.
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183. I WANT TO THANK
MY WIFE, LOOK AT THAT FACE.
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184. NOW, IF YOU WERE MARRIED
TO THAT, YOU'D RUN, TOO!
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185. AND MY SON, TIMMY.
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186. AND MY DAUGHTER, TIMMY.
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187. GET USED TO WORKING
IN BOOTHS, KID,
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188. THAT'S ALL
I'M SAYING.
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189. AND THE FAT GUY,
THE FAT GUY!
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190. HE HAS BEEN WITH ME
SINCE THE FIRST DEBATE.
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191. IT'S ALL
IN GOOD FUN.
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192. NO, IT ISN'T.
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193. AH, "JEAN BAPTISTE
FOR LOSERS", MARCH NO.34.
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194. YOU MAY RECOGNIZE IT
AS THE VICTORY MARCH
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195. FROM NUMEROUS
ELECTION CAMPAIGNS.
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196. ONE OF THE MOST INSPIRING
MELODIES EVER WRITTEN.
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197. WOULDN'T IT BE GREAT
TO OWN ALL OF THE WORLD'S
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198. MOST BEAUTIFUL SONGS
IN ONE COLLECTION?
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199. SONGS LIKE...
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200. AND SO MANY MORE.
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201. THESE SONGS ARE NOT
AVAILABLE IN ANY STORE,
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202. NOR IN ANY SINGLE
COLLECTION,
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203. NOR THROUGH ANY
TELEVISION OFFER.
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204. THIS IS YOUR
OPPORTUNITY
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205. TO PROVIDE ME
WITH THE SONGS I LOVE,
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206. IN ONE
COLLECTION.
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207. SONGS TO FILL MY LIFE
WITH MUSIC, BEAUTIFUL MUSIC,
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208. LIKE...
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209. BY WHOEVER THAT WAS,
FROM "APOCALYPSE NOW",
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210. YOU REMEMBER IT.
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211. ALSO, LET'S SEE,
I WOULD LIKE
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212. VIVALDI'S,
"THE FOUR SEASONS",
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213. THAT'S FROM
SOMETHING.
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214. AND UH, UH, OH, "BOLERO",
GET ME "BOLERO".
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215. UH, BEETHOVEN,
ANYTHING BY BEETHOVEN.
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216. AND UH...
OH, I WANT SOME BACH.
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217. BACH, GET HIM, TOO, YES.
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218. I LIVE ALONE
IN THIS
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219. BEAUTIFUL MANSION
IN CONNECTICUT
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220. AND I HAVE A LOT
OF FREE TIME
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221. TO LISTEN TO
THE WORLD'S GREAT MASTERS.
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222. WON'T YOU ORDER NOW?
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223. OH, AND IF YOU
ORDER RIGHT AWAY,
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224. I'LL ALSO ACCEPT A TAPE
OF CRAZY SONGS BY SPIKE JONES,
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225. THE CLOWN
PRINCE OF MUSIC...
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226. OH, ALSO NEED
A PINT OF MILK
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227. AND SOME
ORANGE SODA,
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228. MY GRANDKIDS
ARE COMING OVER.
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229. AND NOW...
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230. FILMED AT THE ACTOR'S
INSTITUTE FOR STUDYING ACTORS,
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231. WITH YOUR HOST,
CYRUS CASTILLA TEMPLATE,
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232. AUTHOR OF "ACTORS,
ACTING, ACTIST".
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233. THE ACTOR
KNOWETH THY WAY,
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234. THE WAY BEHOLDETH
THE ACTOR.
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235. A THOUGHT FROM
MECHELIST, THE ELDER,
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236. AND SURELY HE WAS TALKING
ABOUT MY GUEST TONIGHT,
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237. A BOUNTIFUL TREAT
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238. FROM WHICH I INVITE YOU
TO PARTAKE,
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239. ACTOR RYAN DORN.
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240. THANKS A LOT, MAN.
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241. WHAT?
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242. NOTHING.
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243. I'M JUST
LOOKING AT YOU.
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244. ACTOR RYAN DORN.
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245. YOUR FIRST VENTURE
INTO THE GLITTERING LIGHTS
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246. WAS AS A PRE-TEEN
PERFORMING SOLILOQUIES
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247. URGING THE USE OF
TOPICAL MEDICATIONS.
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248. YEAH, I DID SOME UH,
COMMERCIALS FOR ZIT CREAM.
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249. AND NO ONE WAS
LEFT UNMOVED.
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250. YOU KNOW,
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251. IT'S ACTUALLY KIND
OF FUNNY 'CAUSE, UM,
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252. I STILL HAVE THAT
FIRST SCRIPT
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253. FROM THAT FIRST
COMMERCIAL AUDITION.
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254. FRAME IT!
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255. BURY IT!
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256. WALK 20 PACES AWAY,
DIG IT UP IN 15 YEARS
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257. AND TEACH THE
WORLD TO SING!
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258. NOW, RYAN,
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259. NOW RYAN, MY STUDENTS,
QUESTIONS, QUERIES, PLEASE!
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260. UH, MR. DORN,
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261. I'M A DRAMATIC
DIRECTOR/STUDENT
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262. HERE AT THE
INSTITUTE.
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263. AND I HEARD YOU PLAN
TO GO TO FRANCE SOON.
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264. MY QUESTION IS...
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265. WHO DARES QUESTION
RYAN DORN?
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266. UMM, WELL, YEAH,
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267. I AM GOING TO FRANCE
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268. TO PROMOTE AN AIR WAX
REMOVAL SYSTEM,
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269. AND UH, YOU KNOW, I'M
THINKING ABOUT
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270. GETTING INTO SOME
FOREIGN FILMS,
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271. BECAUSE UH,
I LOVE 'EM AND UH,
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272. THEY DON'T DO ENOUGH
OF 'EM OUT IN HOLLYWOOD.
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273. AND,
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274. I'M ALSO THINKING ABOUT
GETTING INTO DIRECTING
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275. AND NOVELS
AND MAGAZINES.
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276. OH, MADRE DIOS,
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277. HAVE MINE EARS
BEWITCHED ME
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278. WITH WHISPERS
OF XANADU?
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279. RYAN DORN,
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280. ACTOR,
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281. TOUCHER OF SOULS,
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282. IS GOING TO WRITE
A NOVEL, AND,
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283. DIRECT IT?
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284. I'VE HAD SOME
MEETINGS ON IT.
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285. MEETINGS ALREADY.
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286. CLAP, YOU
PHILISTINES!
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287. MAKE A BIT
MORE NOISE!
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288. SILENCE!
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289. NOW, RYAN DORN,
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290. IN ORDER TO GAIN
GREATER INSIGHT
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291. INTO THE ACTUAL
WORKINGS OF AN ACTOR,
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292. I, AND A SELECT
GROUP OF STUDENTS,
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293. HMM, AND, HMM,
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294. WILL BE SHRUNK DOWN
AND INJECTED INTO YOUR BODY.
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295. I'VE HAD WEIRDER
STUFF IN THERE,
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296. BELIEVE ME.
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297. THE WIT REMAINS.
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298. LET US PROCEED.
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299. TO THE MATTER
SHRINKER...
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300. DARN IT, WE'LL
NEVER START THIS FIRE.
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301. WELL, IF WE DON'T
START THE FIRE,
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302. AND WE CAN'T GET
THE ACTOR TO SNEEZE,
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303. THEN WE'LL BE STUCK
HERE FOREVER!
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304. AND WHAT IS SO
BAD ABOUT THAT?
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305. ARG! ARGHH!
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306. OH NO, THE DINOSAUR
IS GOING TO FIND US.
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307. OH MY!
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308. WHO KNEW THAT THERE WERE
LITTLE GIANT DINOSAURS
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309. DEEP WITHIN THE
WONDERFUL ACTOR'S BODY.
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310. WHAT A WONDROUS WORLD,
I SHALL NEVER LEAVE!
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311. SHUT UP!
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312. WE'VE GOTTA
GET OUT OF HERE!
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313. OH PLEASE, OH PLEASE,
OH PLEASE, OH PLEASE.
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314. BLINKY,
YOU'RE BACK.
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315. AND YOU BROUGHT
TINDER FOR A FIRE.
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316. QUICK, LET'S LIGHT UP
AND GET OUT OF HERE
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317. BEFORE THE DINOSAUR
CATCHES US ALL.
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318. OH, TO STAY HERE
AMONGST THE BLUE BELLS
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319. AND THE HOT LIGHTS
OF THE VANITIES.
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320. ( student )
EVEL KNIEVEL,
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321. YOU WANT TO
COME WITH US?
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322. THANKS A LOT, KIDS,
BUT I'M GONNA STAY BEHIND.
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323. I'M JUMPING THE
PANCREAS NEXT WEEK.
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324. ALRIGHT, EVERYBODY,
HERE COMES A SNEEZE!
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325. AHH!
AHH!
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326. AHH!
AHH!
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327. SOIL, EARTH.
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328. THE LATINS HAD
A WORD FOR IT.
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329. TERRA.
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330. IT MEANS SOIL,
OR EARTH,
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331. OUR MOTHER EARTH.
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332. THERE ARE FIVE BILLION
PEOPLE ON THIS PLANET,
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333. THAT'S 10 BILLION FEET.
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334. AND THOSE THAT
DON'T HAVE FEET
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335. PROBABLY HAVE A
WHEELCHAIR OR CRUTCHES,
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336. OR PROSTHETIC LEGS.
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337. SO ROUGHLY,
THE SAME THING.
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338. 10 BILLION FEET
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339. ALL COMING DOWN
ON OUR MOTHER EARTH.
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340. BUT AT WHAT COST?
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341. AN ALARMING NEW STUDY
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342. PUT OUT BY SCIENTIST
DR. TODD BRUMAN,
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343. THEORIZES THAT IF WE KEEP
WALKING AT OUR CURRENT PACE,
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344. THERE WILL BE
NO EARTH TO WALK ON
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345. BY THE END OF
THE NEXT MILLENNIUM.
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346. EACH TIME YOU WALK,
THREE THINGS HAPPEN.
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347. ( reporter )
THE DOCTOR EXPLAINED THAT
EACH TIME YOU TAKE A STEP,
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348. THREE THINGS HAPPEN.
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349. THE FIRST THING
THAT HAPPENS,
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350. I CAN'T SAY FOR
SECURITY REASONS.
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351. THE SECOND THING
THAT HAPPENS
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352. IS THAT SOME OF THE PRESSURE
FROM THE BALL OF YOUR FOOT
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353. PUSHES DOWN ON THE EARTH,
COMPACTING IT...
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354. ( reporter )
THROUGH A SERIES OF
HAND GESTURES AND WORDS,
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355. HE EXPLAINED THE FIRST
TWO THINGS THAT HAPPEN.
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356. HE THEN PROCEEDED
TO TELL, OR SAY,
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357. THE THIRD THING,
OR POINT.
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358. THE THIRD THING
THAT HAPPENS IS
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359. THAT A LITTLE BIT
OF DIRT, OR, DUST,
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360. IS KICKED UP
INTO THE AIR.
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361. AND OF THIS AMOUNT THAT'S
KICKED UP INTO THE AIR,
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362. A CERTAIN AMOUNT OF IT
CATCHES A WIND CURRENT,
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363. MUCH AS A,
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364. PROFESSIONAL
SURFER WOULD, UH,
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365. CATCH A WAVE DURING
A COMPETITION...
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366. ( reporter )
MUCH LIKE THE PROFESSIONAL
TRICK SURFER,
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367. WHOSE LIFE IS FILLED WITH
DREAMS AND LOFTY ASPIRATIONS,
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368. THE DIRT WILL RIDE
AN AIR CURRENT
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369. OUT TO THE
STRATOSPHERE.
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370. SOME OF IT
GOING AS FAR AS PLUTO.
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371. NOW DOCTOR, WOULDN'T
THE INVERSE BE TRUE,
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372. WOULDN'T DIRT FROM PLUTO
LAND ON THE EARTH?
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373. HMM, ARE THERE PEOPLE
WALKING AROUND ON PLUTO?
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374. UMM, LET ME CHECK.
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375. UH, NOPE, I DON'T
THINK THERE ARE,
ARE THERE?
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376. ( reporter )
I ASKED THE DOCTOR
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377. WHAT MEASURES
WE EARTHLINGS CAN TAKE
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378. TO COUNTER
THIS DESTRUCTION.
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379. STOP WALKING.
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380. WELL, DOCTOR, THAT'S JUST
NOT GOING TO BE FEASIBLE
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381. FOR A NUMBER
OF PEOPLE.
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382. WELL, WALK
DIFFERENTLY THEN.
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383. I'VE DEVELOPED A NEW
MANNER OF WALKING.
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384. ( reporter )
DR. BRUMAN TOOK ME
TO A SECRET GARDEN LAB
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385. WHERE HE DEMONSTRATED
THIS NEW MANNER OF WALKING.
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386. AND THE ANGLE
OF THE FOOT,
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387. NO, NOT THE BALL
OF THE FOOT!
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388. THE EDGE!
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389. ( doctor )
INSTEAD OF WALKING,
WE'RE GOING TO SKITTER.
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390. LET'S GO
FOR A SKITTER.
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391. LET'S, SKITTER
AROUND THE BLOCK.
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392. OH, DAMMIT!
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393. WELL, I'M TRYING.
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394. YOU'RE NOT
LISTENING TO ME.
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395. I'M LISTENING.
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396. SKITTER, SKITTER,
OKAY, OKAY.
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397. ( reporter )
WITH SUCH RADICAL THEORIES,
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398. THE DOCTOR'S NOT
WITHOUT HIS DETRACTORS,
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399. INCLUDING
DR. AUSTIN PARLMER,
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400. WHO I WAS TO INTERVIEW
LATER THAT DAY.
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401. HE'LL USE WORDS
TO DESCRIBE ME, OKAY?
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402. HE'LL USE WORDS
LIKE IDIOT, OR CLOWN,
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403. THE PINHEAD, THE MORON,
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404. MORON, LUNATIC,
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405. BUFFOON, UH, LOOPY...
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406. BANANA...
I CALL HIM DUMB.
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407. OH, I ALSO SAID
HE WAS EL LOCO.
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408. UH, DOOFUS, UH...
A NERD OF SORTS.
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409. I ALSO CALLED HIM
AN A-£1, TOP OF THE LINE, JERK.
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410. A-£1 JERK-OFF,
I THINK HE USED.
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411. YOU KNOW, I HAVE
PHOTOGRAPHS OF DR. PARLMER
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412. AT THE RACETRACK
GAMBLING.
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413. SO IF YOU'RE GONNA GO OUT
AND TALK TO UH,
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414. GAMBLERS AND
MASTURBATORS...
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415. LOOK, WHAT SIZE
SHOE DO YOU WEAR?
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416. I'M A 10-1/2.
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417. WHAT ARE YOU
MARKING DOWN THERE?
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418. ( reporter )
WILL MANKIND
HAVE THE PATIENCE
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419. TO LEARN HOW
TO SKITTER?
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420. EVEN IF IT MEANS BEING
BERATED BY PEOPLE
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421. WHO ALREADY KNOW WHAT
THEY'RE TALKING ABOUT
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422. AND AREN'T VERY
GOOD TEACHERS,
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423. 'CAUSE THEY DON'T
HAVE THE PATIENCE TO,
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424. I MEAN, I'M NOT
A MINDREADER.
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425. AND THAT GUY
WAS A JERK.
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426. YOU SAW THAT.
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427. EARTH SHOES IS PART THREE
IN THE FIVE-PART SERIES,
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428. BROUGHT TO YOU BY,
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429. A FAMILY OF OIL AND
ENERGY COMPANIES,
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430. PROUD TO SPONSOR
THE FINAL DAYS
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431. OF PLANET EARTH.
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432. THAT WAS THE SONG,
"GOODBYE 2 EVERY 1 EVER"
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433. BY THREE TIMES ONE
MINUS ONE,
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434. OUR FIRST NOMINEE FOR
THIS YEAR'S TEARDROP AWARD.
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435. IT'S TRUE, EVERYBODY
LOVES TO CRY,
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436. AND WHAT CAN MAKE US
CRY MORE THAN A SAD SONG?
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437. I DON'T KNOW.
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438. SAD SONGS ARE
NATURE'S ONIONS.
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439. THESE ARE THE SONGS THAT
THE TEARDROP AWARD RECOGNIZES.
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440. THE OTHER NOMINEES FOR
THIS YEAR'S TEARDROP
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441. FOR SADDEST SONG ARE...
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442. WILLIPS BRIGHTON
FOR HIS POWERFUL SONG
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443. ABOUT HIS STRUGGLE
WITH HERPES SIMPLEX II,
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444. "A MOUTHFUL OF SORES".
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445. VERY MOVING.
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446. OUR LAST NOMINEE
IS HORACE LOEB
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447. FOR HIS MOVING SONG
ABOUT THE DEATH
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448. OF HIS FIVE-YEAR OLD SON,
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449. "HEAVEN BETTER
SAVE SOME TEARS".
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450. I'LL MISS YOU,
MY SON.
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451. ALSO VERY MOVING.
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452. AND THE WINNER IS...
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453. HORACE LOEB.
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454. OH, YEAH!
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455. WHOO-HOO-HOO!
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456. YEAH!
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457. OH MAN!
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458. OH GOD!
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459. OH GOD,
THIS IS GREAT!
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460. GOD... I FEEL THIS
IS A KICK-ASS THING!
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461. OH, THIS IS LIKE
THE ULTIMATE ORGASM!
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462. UH...
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463. OKAY, UHM...
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464. UH, THIS MONDAY,
IT WILL BE ONE YEAR
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465. SINCE MY SON
TRAGICALLY PASSED AWAY.
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466. AND, I CAN'T THINK OF A MORE
EXHILARATING FEELING
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467. THAN WHAT I HAVE NOW,
I MEAN, THIS IS JUST...
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468. GOD!
I'M SO NERVOUS!
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469. OH MAN, I,
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470. I WISH MY BOY COULD
BE DOWN HERE,
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471. TO SHARE
THIS WITH ME.
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472. BUT THEN I WOULDN'T
HAVE WRITTEN THE SONG,
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473. SO SCRATCH THAT!
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474. BUDDY,
THIS IS FOR YOU!
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475. THIS IS LIKE A NON-STOP
EROTIC CABARET!
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476. A TRAGIC SCENE
HERE TONIGHT.
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477. AFTER WINNING HIS
FIRST TEARDROP AWARD,
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478. ROCKER HORACE LOEB,
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479. WAS IN THE MIDST OF A
CELEBRATORY ARM GESTURE
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480. WHEN HE LOST CONTROL
OF THE AWARD,
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481. WHICH FOUND ITS
WAY INTO THE CHEST
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482. OF SON OF SONGWRITER,
WILLIPS BRIGHTON.
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483. which found its
way into the chest
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484. of son of songwriter,
Willips Brighton.
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485. VERY MOVING.
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486. THAT WAS WILLIPS BRIGHTON
WITH A SOUL-STIRRING SONG
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487. ABOUT THE TRAGIC
DEATH OF HIS SON.
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488. YES...
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489. OUR NEXT NOMINEE
FOR THE TEARDROP
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490. IS HORACE LOEB,
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491. FOR HIS HEART-SWELLING
TRIBUTE TO THE LATE SON
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492. OF WILLIPS BRIGHTON,
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493. "THERE'S NO MORE
ROOM IN HEAVEN".
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494. I'LL MISS YOU,
WILLIPS BRIGHTON'S SON.
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495. ALSO VERY MOVING.
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496. SORROW IS THE KEY
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497. THAT GETS OUR TEARS
OUT OF EYE JAIL.
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498. AND THE WINNER IS...
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499. OH, MY GOD,
IT'S A TIE.
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500. WILLIPS BRIGHTON
AND HORACE LOEB.
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501. OH YES!
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502. WHOO-HOO-HOO!
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503. OH MAN!
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504. ANOTHER ONE
OF MY BABIES!
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505. OH-OH, WOW,
BACK TO BACK!
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506. WOW, I'M LIKE AN
INTERNATIONAL PLAYBOY!
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507. LIVIN' LARGE,
HUH, WILLIPS!
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508. THANK YOU
FOR THIS AWARD
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509. AND I'M GLAD TO BE
UP HERE WITH YOU, HORACE,
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510. BECAUSE I HAVE
SOMETHING FOR YOU.
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511. OH!
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512. FOR THE SECOND
YEAR IN A ROW,
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513. A TRAGIC SCENE HERE
AT THE SONG AWARDS,
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514. WILLIPS BRIGHTON STABBED
ROCKER HORACE LOEB,
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515. FATALLY
MURDERING HIM...
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516. A SAD DAY
FOR SAD SONGS.
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517. HOWEVER, I'M TOLD HORACE LOEB
LEFT BEHIND A VIDEO
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518. TO BE PLAYED IN THE
EVENT OF HIS OWN DEATH.
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519. LET'S ROLL IT.
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520. I'LL MISS YOU... ME.
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521. THAT'S OUR SHOW.
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522. THANKS FOR WATCHIN'.
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523. THANKS.
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524. MISS BROWNSMITH?
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525. SUPERB AS USUAL.
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526. CLASS, LET US
ALL THANK LUCIEN
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527. FOR HIS EXCELLENT
PRESENTATION OF SHOW AND TELL.
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528. RAPTURE!
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529. MAY MY HANDS CLAP
'TIL THEY BLEED.
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530. WHAT WILL HE
DO TO TOP THIS?
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531. HANDS DOWN, THE FINEST
SHOW IN TELEVISION.
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532. ALL HAIL
THE CONQUERING IMPRESARIO.
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533. TEARS, TEARS
SEASONED WITH JOY.
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534. AND DO I DETECT
A HINT OF JUNIPER?
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535. DRAT!
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536. CONFOUND YOU,
LUCIEN.
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537. YOU BESTED ME HERE.
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538. BUT LET'S SEE WHAT HAPPENS
AT THE SCIENCE FAIR.
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539. LET'S JUST SEE.
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540. THE REVIEWS SEEM
TO BE UNANIMOUS.
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541. I LOVED IT.
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542. GOOD FOR
THE WHOLE FAMILY!
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543. CAPTIONS COPYRIGHT 1998
HOME BOX OFFICE
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544. A DIVISION OF TIME WARNER
ENTERTAINMENT COMPANY, L.P.
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545. Captioned by
HBO COMMUNICATIONS CENTER
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