Mr. Show with Bob and David 4x8

1. Hey everybody, it's bob and david.

2. There's plenty where that came from.

3. Wow!

4. David, what is up?

5. Just sharing the wealth, bob.

6. Wow!

7. You're rich?

8. Yeah, reparations, man.

9. What?

10. I'm jewish, remember?

11. You know, my people have been harassed,

12. And we're finally gettin' a big paycheck

13. From the swiss government.

14. You know hitler's up in heaven right now going:

15. "Oh, no, no! You got me!"

16. Here, accept this trifle, won't you?

17. Big brownie.

18. Oh, those aren't cigars, they're fake poo.

19. Hey, is there a jewish guy here?

20. Gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme!

21. 82 cents?

22. Rip-Off!

23. Don't you want to read the nice card?

24. Look at that, you got a nice little kitten

25. And some spilled milk,

26. And inside, it says, "meow, meow,

27. "Looks like you got me,

28. "We accepted the gold stolen by nazis.

29. "But time has passed, and wounds have healed.

30. We were bad little kittys, and we wuv you."

31. Signed, "switzerland".

32. Isn't that nice? That is nice.

33. And the spilled milk is like your relatives.

34. On behalf of the great state of mississippi,

35. We would like to give you and all of your people

36. This card.

37. Let me read this to you.

38. You open it up inside and it says.

39. "Somebody made a mess."

40. Well, that pretty much says it.

41. And look here.

42. Mississippi fun bucks?

43. Every african-American citizen's gonna get that.

44. That is good for any one-Way ticket

45. Out of mississippi

46. On the mississippi fun bus!

47. There's one now.

48. Beautiful, climb up on in there.

49. There ya' go!

50. All right, bye-Bye, bye-Bye!

51. Good luck to ya!

52. But may be used to leave mississippi

53. Here we go, room 13, lucky lady motor court.

54. Yeah, yeah.

55. Rick should be here in a few minutes.

56. Oh, man, I'm sweatin' my ass off, you know?

57. I've never moved this much dope before.

58. Yeah, yeah, it's right there.

59. Hey, man, check this out.

60. You notice that white van out front?

61. What?

62. Well, you mean, that police van

63. With a high-Powered directional mike?

64. 'Cause all I see is a modern ice cream truck

65. With a dish on the top,

66. Because ice cream comes in dishes, kevin,

67. Don't get paranoid on me, man.

68. Sit down. Not there, not there.

69. Sit down over here, it's a better chair.

70. And a nice little plant to keep you company.

71. For little kevin ferguson,

72. At 335-Niner north avenue.

73. I gotta take a pee, you just chill.

74. I can't get him to do it.

75. He's got to say it out loud. I did say that!

76. Jim?

77. Who, who are you talking to in there?

78. So, kevin,

79. How long you known this, uh, ray perp?

80. I met ray in central florida in...

81. Hey man, what's with the flower?

82. What?

83. Oh, what's this supposed to be?

84. A wire?

85. Oh, godammit, you think I'm a fuckin' cop!

86. Stick your finger up my ass.

87. It's all right, man.

88. You're paranoid, kevin.

89. Getting mad at a pretty flower.

90. You should see yourself, man.

91. 5'9" caucasian named kevin ferguson,

92. Of controlled substances.

93. What are you saying?

94. Are you saying that I'm like some kind of

95. A reject from a mariachi band?

96. Is that what I am now?

97. No!

98. You know, you gotta trust me man.

99. Or you're gonna fuck this deal up!

100. Look at me, man, look at me!

101. Look right at me! I'm looking at you!

102. You just took a picture of me with your hat!

103. My magic hat?

104. Oh my god, you are out there!

105. Okay, let me get this straight.

106. Is that what you're saying?

107. I didn't say anything about a fake painting and cops.

108. Oh my god, you are so paranoid

109. Oh, man, okay, all right.

110. At your two precious cops.

111. No.

112. Come on, asshole, there they are.

113. Say hi. "Hi, cops!

114. "Get my good side."

115. It's all right.

116. I think I need some make-Up.

117. Alright, turn it back on, I trust you, all right?

118. I fucking trust you.

119. Right, just relax, man.

120. It's 1400 hours.

121. Ray should be here any second.

122. Hey, kev?

123. No, what's that?

124. Well, it's just like tic-Tac-Toe,

125. But you use your thumbs to mark it.

126. Oh, so you go here?

127. Oh my god, you're gonna beat me.

128. Yes.

129. Thumb prints found all over the crime scene,

130. Videotapes from every conceivable angle,

131. Audio recordings in quadraphonic sound,

132. Still photographs, holograms,

133. All of these showing kevin ferguson in room 13

134. Of the lucky lady motor court,

135. Buying illegal drugs.

136. Ladies and gentlemen, we rest our case.

137. Tune in next week.

138. And now, here's a scene from next week's show.

139. Your honor, we the jury find the defendant,

140. Kevin ferguson, not guilty.

141. Next week on...

142. for over 40 years,

143. Charles mchutchence has stood for

144. The best america has to offer.

145. He's president of a fortune 500 company,

146. Father of two wonderful children,

147. And a good neighbor.

148. I'm not here to sell anything.

149. Hi!

150. About a certain charles mchutchence.

151. But did you know about harrison greeley iii?

152. Harrison greeley is also a successful businessman

153. With a family and a lot of friends.

154. Plus, he likes you.

155. You can call me harrison.

156. harrison greeley,

157. Rich, got a great family, really nice house,

158. A super guy.

159. For harrison greeley iii.

160. Let's look at the facts—

161. I have a great family,

162. I won this trophy in cape cod last year,

163. And next month, I plan to learn how to water ski.

164. Charles mchutchence

165. Now you're talking great guy.

166. Look at the facts.

167. To celebrate charles.

168. Look at the facts.

169. What are the real facts?

170. To learn to water ski.

171. But company records show

172. His vacation to be only three days long.

173. Well, you can't really learn to water ski in three days.

174. Of course, that depends on what you mean by learn.

175. You'd still be a beginner.

176. Well—

177. Is lying.

178. Harrison greeley iii. Really great.

179. harrison greeley iii,

180. Charles mchutchence,

181. Two rich men, battling for our favor.

182. Now it's time the people spoke and said...

183. enough!

184. The public airwaves are no place

185. For unseemly character assaults.

186. Mr. Greeley and mr. Mchutchence, please,

187. Stop this petty and hurtful public display.

188. hooray!

189. Negative and unnecessary advertising

190. What do you want?

191. Who is the real reverend anders?

192. You fucked with the wrong guys, reverend.

193. To crush reverend anders.

194. Harrison greeley iii and charles mchutchence

195. Claim to have newfound respect and admiration

196. For each other.

197. And it's true.

198. harrison and charles have shared with each other

199. Personal memories of growing up rich.

200. the two have made specific plans

201. To do things together in the future.

202. Trust. Respect. Warmth.

203. Harrison greeley iii and charles mchutchence

204. Friends.

205. I would like to ask you all to sit

206. Edmund premington is a hunter,

207. An explorer, a novelist and an adventurer.

208. A travelaire, an explorist,

209. And a noveler,

210. Without further ado, edmund premington.

211. Hard to believe I made it back

212. From the godless jungle,

213. To such auspicious and

214. Humane surroundings.

215. Let me begin with a description

216. Of the lion's roar.

217. It's impossible to describe the roar of the lion.

218. But what I can do is describe its effect.

219. You feel it first in your scrotum.

220. Oh, my.

221. Is there a need for such language?

222. I'm afraid there is, my dear, if I'm to be descriptive.

223. must be done, yes.

224. His great jaw

225. Stirs one's intestines,

226. And a tingle of fear constricts the scrotum.

227. The great bellow rings out

228. In a rippling wave,

229. Tossing one's very scrotum,

230. Hither and thither.

231. Its eyes grasp you at the base of your spine,

232. Crawl up your back,

233. Ring around the neck

234. And settle finally on the tongue...

235. Excellent description.

236. of your scrotum.

237. The lion moves, each muscle is so vast

238. It moves like a school of fish

239. Moving together with one mind,

240. And all the hairs on the tip of your penis

241. Spring forth!

242. At that long-Hank of unbraided hair

243. Tickles the scrotum at the base of your knee.

244. The base of your knee?

245. I'm not done!

246. In your hunter's crouch,

247. You feel the nipples on your ass become erect.

248. All right, hold it, hold up here.

249. Nipples on your ass?

250. Knee scrotums?

251. I am sorry, my dear.

252. No, no, no, the lion is fine.

253. I mean, you've mentioned the scrotum five times now.

254. Not the same scrotum. The african lion affects

255. Each and every one of a man's scrotums.

256. Fear seeks them out.

257. Get to the ass nipples, what's that about?

258. And the awful hank of unbraided hair.

259. Yes, I must take severe umbrage

260. At your anatomical logic.

261. Well, sir, everything I say, I've experienced.

262. Obviously mr. Premington

263. Experienced these things metaphorically.

264. I am not a symbolist.

265. When the african lion attacks—

266. Leave the lion out of it!

267. From the very bottom of my vagina.

268. Jesus!

269. You don't know what words mean, do you?

270. Why, sir, I'm a writer.

271. From the side pocket of my scrotal—

272. Nipples on your ass!

273. The awful hair!

274. Are you calling me a liar?

275. I say! Yes.

276. Well, then, look!

277. Feast your eyes on the body that the lion scared!

278. Come see the multi-Scrotumed ass-Nippled adventurer.

279. Enough scrotums for 20 men!

280. But, beware his descriptions.

281. Extra, extra!

282. Oddball adventurer!

283. Hair comes from his penis!

284. Scrotums abound! Extra!

285. With the team you can trust.

286. Together since 1925,

287. They've informed five generations

288. Of south valley residents.

289. Winners of over 340 local emmy awards,

290. World record holders for telling over

291. 50,000 news stories.

292. And the news team with the most great grandchildren.

293. And the world's only news team

294. With great-Great grandchildren.

295. Bennie drummond

296. Otto bergher

297. And margaret holden.

298. Channel five's team you trust.

299. otto!

300. Otto, read the news.

301. Top story...

302. Plane crash.

303. Margaret, no more news.

304. No, no, more news.

305. What does it say, dear?

306. Plane crash.

307. Oh, I don't know anymore.

308. Hello?

309. Hello?

310. Who's calling, please?

311. No, mrs. Holden, it's me, mark.

312. I'm here at the scene in the andes.

313. He's not home, who's calling?

314. All right, I'm just gonna start talking, then.

315. Goodbye.

316. All right.

317. Well, hi, this is mark treems

318. Here at the scene in the andes

319. Where we are about to get the first look

320. At the only known survivor of peruvian airways flight 78,

321. Which crashed a month ago

322. With 234 people on board.

323. I believe we have a picture of the survivor,

324. Taken minutes before the ill-Fated flight.

325. Todd benley is his name,

326. And he has miraculously survived

327. Let's go talk to him now.

328. Sir.

329. Sir.

330. Sir, how does it feel to be the only survivor

331. Of this tragic flight?

332. Relief, a great feeling of relief.

333. How did you do it?

334. I was forced to eat the flesh of my companions

335. In order to survive.

336. Please, don't speak ill of the dead.

337. Their flesh was seasoned with courage

338. And selflessness,

339. And each time I think of their sacrifice,

340. I hunger for the bones of their bravery.

341. I ate them all, showed no favorites.

342. And here I am, full as a tick.

343. The living legacy of their deeds.

344. Well, you...

345. You've only been out here for 30 days.

346. Did you need to eat all 234 people?

347. Well, when I get depressed, I eat.

348. It's my outlet.

349. They were brave, brave people.

350. Some of them.

351. Some of them, I had to lop off their legs

352. Well, it's a miracle you survived out here at all.

353. There's no one within 200 miles of this place

354. With the exception of one small village

355. That would be hard to find without a map.

356. Yes, yes.

357. Uh, that's where I got this broom.

358. I like to keep this place spic and span.

359. I'm kind of a neat freak.

360. So, you've been to the village?

361. Yeah, I've got a p.O. Box there.

362. I've been getting my magazines, uh,

363. Maurice does my hair.

364. You've had your hair styled?

365. Yeah, I told him to surprise me.

366. You know, just go nuts, you know.

367. Well, as the only survivor,

368. Do you have any insight into what caused

369. This fatal, tragic flight?

370. Let's see, when the turbulence started,

371. My stomach started growling like a bear,

372. You know, fear does that.

373. Nothing they had on board would satisfy me,

374. So I ate the pilot and we crashed.

375. My goodness, you ate the pilot?

376. How did he taste?

377. Better than airplane food.

378. Yet amused nation.

379. Then they took their routine to parties.

380. Now, join them, live at carnegie hall,

381. For the 2,000 pound old man.

382. Met him? I 'et him!

383. Who was the first caveman?

384. Murray.

385. Did you eat him?

386. On the next command performances

387. Funding for this program provided by

388. The battle of turner springs

389. Took place on a patch of farmland

390. Owned by marshall scott, a confederate sympathizer.

391. It was a battle which would last

392. For over two weeks and cost thousands of lives.

393. I wanna look like that guy.

394. What, you want a fake beard?

395. Yeah.

396. And one of them hats.

397. Nope, a civil war hat.

398. It was a battle that many thought was over.

399. No, that's french resistence.

400. The civil war: the re-Enactments

401. The re-Enactment of the battle of turner springs

402. Because it had never been re-Enacted before.

403. There had been several attempts to re-Enact it,

404. But each time something had gone awry,

405. Or afoul or askew.

406. One time, all three.

407. Thousands would come to pretend to be brave.

408. Travis and lamar kittle of hapsburg, maryland,

409. Where they still live today.

410. Travis, a high school drop out

411. And current high school teacher,

412. Looked forward to reflecting upon the impending past memory

413. Lamar was a two-Time state yelling champion,

414. Who had dreams of someday finding a box of money.

415. And would take the two boys away from their mother

416. For the first time in almost ten years.

417. It was decided lamar would be the navigator.

418. Travis would drive the car and photograph him.

419. "Hope you're doing well.

420. "We almost are there.

421. "What? Oh, travis says 'hey' !

422. Love, lamar."

423. A message of hope to his mother.

424. But the distant thunder of drums

425. Would soon erase the sounds of their laughter.

426. But lincoln against lincoln.

427. Now that was a case of poor planning, pure and simple.

428. And lincoln himself had never been

429. At the actual battle in the first place,

430. So, neither of them should have been there.

431. It was two too many.

432. Two we simulate the glory

433. Of the men

434. Who could not be here today.

435. They fought a life battle against death,

436. Brothers against cousins,

437. Hus—Husbands

438. Against uncles.

439. They had sores on their

440. Hands.

441. This is about important history.

442. And have your little pageant there.

443. No!

444. Who are you guys supposed to be?

445. Careful commander, these aliens appear hostile.

446. These guys always show up at our renaissance faire.

447. And then they try to engage us in battle.

448. Set your phaser on stun, commander.

449. Why don't you shut up?

450. Well, eventually, everything got squared away

451. Oh, well, that was held out in the parking lot.

452. But someone bayoneted a tire on a car.

453. That caused a problem for a family of five.

454. What I really would have liked to have seen

455. Would have been a battle between the space people

456. And the medieval folks and the civil war chums.

457. That park ranger, he could have jumped in there, too,

458. I wouldn't have minded that.

459. Mr. Burr. Huh?

460. The doctor will see you now.

461. Excuse me.

462. There you have it.

463. More great mr. Show educational programming.

464. If you want more programming like that,

465. Won't you call in your pledge right now?

466. Maybe we should go over those premiums again.

467. Yeah, yeah.

468. Um, okay, remember, uh,

469. For a slight donation you'll receive this,

470. Lovely civil war re-Enactment chess set.

471. Look at that, see, there's lincoln.

472. Monster trucks.

473. And we also have the 2,000 pound old man

474. Inspiration-A-Day calendar for you.

475. Okay, can I read one these?

476. It'll be fun, I'll read one.

477. This is kind of crazy.

478. I hope no one gets hurt.

479. "Excuses are the gas

480. "That keep the engine called us

481. In the driveway of life."

482. That's kind of motivational.

483. Yeah, I'd say inspirational.

484. Still no calls.

485. Oh, hey, what about the fake poo?

486. Yes, hello.

487. You know, she's getting on

488. And we don't know how much longer she's gonna be...

489. Y'all got fake poo?

490. Uh, hello?

491. My wife's just been diagnosed with inoperable...

492. Y'all got fake poo?

493. Hey uh, my daughter's getting married tomorrow

494. And I was wondering, y'all got fake poo?

495. Yeah, hi.

496. I got myself a fake toilet.

497. Y'all got fake poo?

498. I'm sure it's not possible...

499. Y'all got fake poo?

500. I just found out my daughter's a lesbian.

501. Y'all got fake poo?

502. Hello, I live alone and I have terrible constipation.

503. Y'all got fake poo?

504. I got a fake asshole, y'all got fake poo?