1. Captions made possible by
HOME BOX OFFICE
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2. A DIVISION OF TIME WARNER
ENTERTAINMENT COMPANY, L.P.
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3. HEY EVERYBODY,
IT'S BOB AND DAVID.
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4. THERE'S PLENTY WHERE
THAT CAME FROM.
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5. WHOA!
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6. WOW!
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7. DAVID,
WHAT IS UP?
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8. JUST SHARING
THE WEALTH, BOB.
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9. WOW!
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10. YOU'RE RICH?
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11. YEAH, REPARATIONS, MAN.
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12. WHAT?
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13. I'M JEWISH,
REMEMBER?
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14. YOU KNOW, MY PEOPLE
HAVE BEEN HARASSED,
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15. MURDERED, AND
WELL, BEDEVILED,
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16. FOR THOUSANDS
OF YEARS.
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17. AND WE'RE FINALLY
GETTIN' A BIG PAYCHECK
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18. FROM THE SWISS
GOVERNMENT.
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19. YOU KNOW, HITLER'S UP
IN HEAVEN RIGHT NOW GOING,
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20. "OHH, NO, NO,
YOU GOT ME!"
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21. HERE, ACCEPT THIS
TRIFLE, WON'T YOU?
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22. BIG BROWNIE.
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23. WELL, AT LEAST
YOU COULD MAYBE AFFORD
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24. TO BUY NICER
CIGARS.
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25. OH, THOSE AREN'T CIGARS,
THEY'RE FAKE POO.
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26. HEY, IS THERE
A JEWISH GUY HERE?
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27. OH, GIMME, GIMME,
GIMME, GIMME... !
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28. 82 CENTS!
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29. RIP-OFF!
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30. DON'T YOU WANT TO
READ THE NICE CARD?
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31. LOOK AT THAT, YOU GOT
A NICE LITTLE KITTEN
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32. AND SOME
SPILLED MILK,
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33. AND UH INSIDE IT SAYS,
"MEOW, MEOW,
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34. "LOOKS LIKE
YOU GOT ME,
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35. "WE ACCEPTED THE GOLD
STOLEN BY NAZIS.
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36. "BUT TIME HAS PASSED
AND WOUNDS HAVE HEALED.
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37. WE WERE BAD LITTLE
KITTYS, AND WE WUV YOU."
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38. SIGNED, "SWITZERLAND".
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39. ISN'T THAT NICE?
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40. THAT'S NICE.
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41. SEE THAT?
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42. AND THE COUNTRY
IS LIKE THE CAT,
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43. AND THE SPILLED MILK
IS LIKE YOUR RELATIVES.
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44. ON BEHALF OF THE GREAT STATE
OF MISSISSIPPI,
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45. WE WOULD LIKE TO GIVE
YOU AND ALL OF YOUR PEOPLE
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46. THIS CARD.
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47. LET ME READ
THIS TO YOU.
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48. "UH-OHH!",
IT SAYS ON
THE COVER.
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49. YOU OPEN IT UP
INSIDE AND IT SAYS.
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50. "SOMEBODY
MADE A MESS."
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51. WELL, THAT PRETTY
MUCH SAYS IT.
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52. AND LOOK HERE.
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53. MISSISSIPPI
FUN BUCKS?
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54. EVERY AFRICAN-AMERICAN
CITIZEN'S GONNA GET THAT.
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55. THAT IS GOOD FOR
ANY ONE-WAY TICKET
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56. OUT OF MISSISSIPPI
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57. ON THE
MISSISSIPPI
FUN BUS!
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58. THERE'S ONE NOW.
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59. BEAUTIFUL,
CLIMB UP ON IN THERE.
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60. THERE YA' GO!
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61. ALRIGHT, BYE-BYE,
BYE-BYE!
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62. GOOD LUCK
TO YA!
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63. WHOO-HOO!
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64. MISSISSIPPI FUN BUCKS
ARE NOT LEGAL TENDER,
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65. BUT MAY BE USED
TO LEAVE MISSISSIPPI
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66. AND FOR DISCOUNTS
AT LUCKY LADY MOTOR COURTS
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67. NOT IN MISSISSIPPI.
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68. HERE WE GO, ROOM 13,
LUCKY LADY MOTOR COURT.
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69. YEAH, YEAH.
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70. RICK SHOULD BE HERE
IN A FEW MINUTES.
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71. OH, MAN, I'M SWEATIN'
MY ASS OFF, YOU KNOW?
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72. I'VE NEVER MOVED
THIS MUCH DOPE BEFORE.
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73. YEAH, WELL,
RELAX MAN.
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74. YOU GOT ALL
THE CASH RIGHT?
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75. YEAH, YEAH,
IT'S RIGHT THERE.
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76. HEY MAN,
CHECK THIS OUT.
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77. YOU NOTICE THAT
WHITE VAN OUT FRONT?
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78. WHAT?
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79. IT'S GOT SOME KIND
OF RADAR DISH ON IT,
OR SOMETHING.
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80. WELL, YOU MEAN,
THAT POLICE VAN
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81. THAT'S RECORDING OUR HALF
MILLION DOLLAR DRUG DEAL
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82. WITH A HIGH-POWERED
DIRECTIONAL MIKE?
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83. 'CAUSE ALL I SEE IS
A MODERN ICE CREAM TRUCK
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84. WITH A DISH
ON THE TOP,
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85. BECAUSE ICE CREAM
COMES IN DISHES, KEVIN,
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86. DON'T GET
PARANOID ON ME, MAN.
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87. SIT DOWN...
NOT THERE, NOT THERE.
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88. SIT DOWN OVER HERE,
IT'S A BETTER CHAIR.
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89. AND A NICE LITTLE PLANT
TO KEEP YOU COMPANY.
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90. GOT A NICE LITTLE LAMP
FOR IF THINGS GET
DARK AND SCARY
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91. FOR WITTLE
KEVIN FERGUSON,
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92. SITTING IN ROOM 13
IN THE LUCKY LADY
MOTOR COURT,
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93. AT 335-NINER
NORTH AVENUE.
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94. I GOTTA TAKE A PEE,
YOU JUST CHILL.
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95. ( voices )
I CAN'T GET
HIM TO DO IT.
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96. BUT I DID
SAY THAT...
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97. JIM?
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98. HEY MAN, WHO, WHO ARE YOU
TALKING TO IN THERE?
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99. JUST RELAX KEVIN.
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100. I'M JUST HAVING
A CHATTY PEE IN HERE.
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101. SO KEVIN,
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102. HOW LONG YOU KNOWN
THIS UH, RAY PERP?
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103. I MET RAY IN CENTRAL
FLORIDA IN...
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104. HEY MAN, WHAT'S
WITH THE FLOWER?
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105. WHAT?
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106. OH, WHAT'S THIS
SUPPOSED TO BE?
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107. A WIRE?
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108. OH, GODAMMIT, YOU THINK
I'M A FUCKIN' COP!
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109. ALRIGHT, FORGET IT, KEVIN.
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110. LET'S JUST GET THIS OVER
WITH, FRISK ME, MAN.
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111. STICK YOUR
FINGER UP MY ASS.
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112. NO, IT'S
ALRIGHT MAN.
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113. YOU'RE PARANOID, KEVIN.
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114. GETTING MAD AT
A PRETTY FLOWER.
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115. YOU SHOULD
SEE YOURSELF, MAN.
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116. 5'9" CAUCASIAN
NAMED KEVIN FERGUSON,
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117. SITTING THERE,
ALL UNARMED
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118. ARRANGING FOR THE
SALE OF 12 OUNCES
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119. OF CONTROLLED
SUBSTANCES.
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120. HEY, WHY DO YOU
DO THAT?
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121. WHY DO YOU KEEP
RECITING DETAILS?
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122. WHAT ARE
YOU SAYING?
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123. ARE YOU SAYING THAT
I'M LIKE SOME KIND OF
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124. A REJECT FROM
A MARIACHI BAND?
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125. IS THAT WHAT
I AM NOW?
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126. NO!
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127. YOU KNOW, YOU GOTTA
TRUST ME MAN.
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128. OR YOU'RE GONNA
FUCK THIS DEAL UP!
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129. LOOK AT ME, MAN,
LOOK AT ME!
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130. LOOK RIGHT
AT ME!
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131. I'M LOOKING
AT YOU!
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132. HEY!
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133. YOU JUST TOOK A PICTURE
OF ME WITH YOUR HAT!
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134. MY MAGIC HAT?
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135. OH MY GOD,
YOU ARE OUT THERE!
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136. OKAY, LET ME GET
THIS STRAIGHT.
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137. I'M SETTING YOU UP
IN A STING WITH THE COPS
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138. TO PROTECT MY ASS,
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139. AND I GOT A WIRE
INSIDE A FLOWER,
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140. AND A CAMERA
IN MY HAT?
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141. AND THAT'S A FAKE PAINTING
WITH TWO COPS BEHIND IT,
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142. VIDEOTAPING US,
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143. IS THAT WHAT
YOU'RE SAYING?
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144. I DIDN'T SAY ANYTHING ABOUT
A FAKE PAINTING AND COPS, NO.
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145. OH MY GOD, YOU
ARE SO PARANOID
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146. THAT YOU'RE MAKING ME
SEEM PARANOID
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147. IN RETROSPECT.
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148. OH, MAN, OKAY, ALRIGHT.
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149. I'M GONNA TURN
THE LIGHTS OUT,
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150. YOU LOOK THROUGH
YOUR FAKE PAINTING
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151. AT YOUR TWO
PRECIOUS COPS.
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152. NO... !
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153. COME ON, ASSHOLE,
THERE THEY ARE.
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154. SAY HI, HI, COPS!
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155. GET MY GOOD SIDE.
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156. IT'S ALRIGHT.
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157. I THINK I NEED
SOME MAKE-UP.
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158. ALRIGHT, TURN IT BACK ON,
I TRUST YOU, ALRIGHT?
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159. I FUCKIN'
TRUST YOU.
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160. ALRIGHT,
JUST RELAX, MAN.
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161. IT'S 14:00 HOURS.
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162. RAY SHOULD BE
HERE ANY SECOND.
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163. WE GOT A BIG DRUG DEAL
TO THINK ABOUT.
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164. A BIG, BIG
DRUG DEAL.
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165. OOH, MAN.
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166. HEY KEV,
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167. OH, MAN, DID YOU
EVER PLAY,
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168. THUMB PRINT
TIC-TAC-TOE?
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169. NO, WHAT'S THAT?
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170. WELL, IT'S JUST
LIKE TIC-TAC-TOE,
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171. BUT YOU USE YOUR
THUMBS TO MARK IT.
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172. OH, SO YOU
GO HERE?
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173. OH MY GOD,
YOU'RE GONNA BEAT ME.
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174. I ASK YOU, IS THIS
YOUR THUMB PRINT,
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175. KEVIN FERGUSON?
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176. YES.
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177. THUMB PRINTS FOUND ALL
OVER THE CRIME SCENE,
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178. VIDEOTAPES FROM EVERY
CONCEIVABLE ANGLE,
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179. AUDIO RECORDINGS IN
QUADRAPHONIC SOUND,
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180. STILL PHOTOGRAPHS,
HOLOGRAMS,
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181. ALL OF THESE SHOWING
KEVIN FERGUSON IN ROOM 13
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182. OF THE LUCKY LADY
MOTOR COURT,
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183. BUYING ILLEGAL DRUGS.
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184. LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
WE REST OUR CASE.
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185. ( narrator )
WILL KEVIN FERGUSON
BE FOUND GUILTY?
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186. TUNE IN NEXT WEEK.
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187. AND NOW, HERE'S A SCENE
FROM NEXT WEEK'S SHOW.
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188. YOUR HONOR, WE THE JURY
FIND THE DEFENDANT,
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189. KEVIN FERGUSON,
NOT GUILTY.
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190. NEXT WEEK ON...
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191. FOR OVER 40 YEARS,
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192. CHARLES McHUTCHENCE
HAS STOOD FOR
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193. THE BEST AMERICA
HAS TO OFFER.
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194. HE'S PRESIDENT OF
A FORTUNE 500 COMPANY,
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195. FATHER OF TWO
WONDERFUL CHILDREN,
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196. AND A GOOD NEIGHBOR.
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197. I'M NOT HERE
TO SELL ANYTHING.
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198. AND I'M CERTAINLY
NOT RUNNING
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199. FOR ANY POLITICAL
OFFICE.
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200. HI!
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201. HARRISON GREELEY IS ALSO
A SUCCESSFUL BUSINESSMAN
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202. WITH A FAMILY
AND A LOT OF FRIENDS.
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203. PLUS, HE LIKES YOU.
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204. ( Harrison )
YOU CAN CALL ME,
HARRISON.
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205. ( narrator )
HARRISON GREELEY,
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206. RICH, GOT A GREAT FAMILY,
REALLY NICE HOUSE,
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207. A SUPER GUY.
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208. LET'S LOOK
AT THE FACTS—
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209. I HAVE A
GREAT FAMILY,
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210. I WON THIS TROPHY IN
CAPE COD LAST YEAR,
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211. AND NEXT MONTH I PLAN TO
LEARN HOW TO WATER SKI.
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212. LOOK AT THE FACTS.
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213. LOOK AT THE FACTS.
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214. WHAT ARE
THE REAL FACTS?
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215. ( narrator )
HE ALSO CLAIMS
THAT HE PLANS
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216. TO LEARN TO WATER SKI.
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217. BUT COMPANY
RECORDS SHOW
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218. HIS VACATION TO BE ONLY
THREE DAYS LONG.
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219. WELL, YOU CAN'T REALLY LEARN
TO WATER SKI IN THREE DAYS.
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220. OF COURSE, THAT DEPENDS
ON WHAT YOU MEAN BY LEARN.
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221. YOU'D STILL BE A BEGINNER.
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222. WELL...
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223. SEEMS THE ONLY THING
CHARLES McHUTCHENCE IS GREAT FOR
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224. IS LYING.
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225. HEY, CHARLES,
IF YOU'RE GREAT,
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226. I'M REALLY GREAT.
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227. HARRISON GREELEY III,
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228. CHARLES
McHUTCHENCE,
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229. TWO RICH MEN BATTLING
FOR OUR FAVOR.
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230. THE PUBLIC AIRWAVES
ARE NO PLACE
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231. FOR UNSEEMLY
CHARACTER ASSAULTS.
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232. MR. GREELEY AND
MR. McHUTCHENCE, PLEASE,
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233. STOP THIS PETTY AND HURTFUL
PUBLIC DISPLAY.
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234. HOORAY!
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235. ( narrator )
REVEREND ANDERS,
WHAT ARE YOU AFTER?
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236. WHAT DO YOU WANT?
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237. WHO IS THE REAL
REVEREND ANDERS?
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238. YOU FUCKED WITH THE WRONG
GUYS, REVEREND.
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239. HARRISON GREELEY III
AND CHARLES McHUTCHENCE
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240. CLAIM TO HAVE NEWFOUND
RESPECT AND ADMIRATION
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241. FOR EACH OTHER.
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242. AND IT'S TRUE.
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243. HARRISON AND CHARLES
HAVE SHARED WITH EACH OTHER
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244. PERSONAL MEMORIES
OF GROWING UP RICH.
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245. BOTH HAVE WORKED
TOGETHER TO DESTROY
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246. A COMMON ENEMY.
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247. THE TWO HAVE
MADE SPECIFIC PLANS
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248. TO DO THINGS TOGETHER
IN THE FUTURE.
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249. I WOULD LIKE TO ASK
YOU ALL TO SIT
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250. AND ASK OUR
DISTINGUISHED GUEST
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251. TO BEGIN
HIS PRESENTATION.
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252. EDMUND PREMINGTON
IS A HUNTER, AN EXPLORER,
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253. A NOVELIST AND
AN ADVENTURER.
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254. A TRAVELAIRE,
AN EXPLORIST,
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255. AND A NOVELER,
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256. WITHOUT FURTHER ADIEU,
EDMUND PREMINGTON.
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257. ( patron )
EDMUND PREMINGTON,
NICE TO HAVE YOU BACK.
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258. HARD TO BELIEVE
I MADE IT BACK
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259. FROM THE GOD-LESS JUNGLE,
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260. TO SUCH, AUSPICIOUS AND
HUMANE SURROUNDINGS.
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261. LET ME BEGIN WITH
A DESCRIPTION,
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262. OF THE LION'S ROAR.
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263. IT'S IMPOSSIBLE TO DESCRIBE
THE ROAR OF THE LION.
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264. BUT WHAT I CAN DO
IS DESCRIBE ITS EFFECT.
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265. YOU FEEL IT FIRST
IN YOUR SCROTUM.
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266. OOH!
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267. IS THERE A NEED
FOR SUCH LANGUAGE?
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268. I'M AFRAID
THERE IS, MY DEAR,
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269. IF I'M TO BE
DESCRIPTIVE.
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270. ( man )
AND HE MUST
BE THAT.
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271. ITS GREAT JAW,
STIRS ONE'S INTESTINES,
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272. AND A TINGLE OF FEAR
CONSTRICTS THE SCROTUM.
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273. THE GREAT BELLOW
RINGS OUT
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274. IN A RIPPLING WAVE,
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275. TOSSING ONE'S
VERY SCROTUM,
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276. HITHER
AND DITHER.
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277. ITS EYES GRASP YOU
AT THE BASE OF YOUR SPINE,
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278. CRAWL UP YOUR BACK,
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279. RING AROUND THE NECK
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280. AND SETTLE FINALLY
ON THE TONGUE...
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281. EXCELLENT
DESCRIPTION.
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282. OF YOUR SCROTUM.
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283. THE LION MOVES, EACH
MUSCLE IS SO VAST
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284. IT MOVED LIKE
A SCHOOL OF FISH
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285. MOVING TOGETHER
WITH ONE MIND,
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286. AND ALL THE HAIRS ON
THE TIP OF YOUR PENIS
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287. SPRING FORTH!
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288. AT THAT LONG-HANK
OF UNBRAIDED HAIR
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289. TICKLES THE SCROTUM AT
THE BASE OF YOUR KNEE...
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290. THE BASE
OF YOUR KNEE?
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291. I'M NOT DONE!
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292. IN YOUR
HUNTER'S CROUCH,
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293. YOU FEEL THE NIPPLES ON
YOUR ASS BECOME ERECT.
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294. ALRIGHT, HOLD IT,
HOLD UP HERE.
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295. NIPPLES ON
YOUR ASS?
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296. KNEE SCROTUMS?
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297. HAIR ON THE TIP
OF YOUR PENIS?
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298. IT'S TOO
HORRIBLE!
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299. WHY, YES, THE
AFRICAN LION
IS HORRIBLE.
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300. NO, NO, NO,
THE LION IS FINE.
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301. LISTEN, WE TOLERATED YOUR
SALTY DESCRIPTIONS LONG ENOUGH.
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302. SIR, I WARNED YOU,
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303. MY TALE WAS NOT FOR
THE FAINT SCROTUMED.
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304. YES, AND WHAT IS
THIS OBSESSION,
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305. THIS OBSESSION
WITH SCROTUM?
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306. I MEAN, YOU'VE MENTIONED
THE SCROTUM FIVE TIMES NOW.
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307. NOT THE
SAME SCROTUM.
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308. THE AFRICAN
LION AFFECTS
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309. EACH AND EVERY ONE
OF A MAN'S SCROTUMS.
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310. FEAR SEEKS
THEM OUT.
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311. GET TO THE ASS NIPPLES,
WHAT'S THAT ABOUT?
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312. AND THE AWFUL HANK
OF UNBRAIDED HAIR.
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313. YES, I MUST TAKE
SEVERE UMBRAGE
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314. AT YOUR
ANATOMICAL
LOGIC.
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315. WELL, SIR, EVERYTHING
I SAY I'VE EXPERIENCED.
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316. OBVIOUSLY
MR. PREMINGTON
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317. EXPERIENCED THESE
THINGS METAPHORICALLY.
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318. I AM NOT
A SYMBOLIST.
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319. WHEN THE AFRICAN
LION ATTACKS...
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320. LEAVE THE LION
OUT OF IT!
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321. YOU'RE SCARING US
WITH YOUR DESCRIPTION
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322. OF SOME FREAKISH HUNTER.
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323. MADAME,
I ASSURE YOU,
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324. I SPEAK HONESTLY.
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325. FROM THE VERY BOTTOM
OF MY VAGINA.
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326. YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT
WORDS MEAN, DO YOU?
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327. WHY, SIR,
I'M A WRITER.
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328. FROM THE SIDE POCKET
OF MY SCROTAL...
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329. OH, STOP IT,
STOP IT!
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330. NO ONE LOOKS
LIKE THAT.
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331. NIPPLES ON YOUR ASS!
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332. THE AWFUL HAIR!
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333. ARE YOU CALLING
ME A LIAR?
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334. WELL THEN, LOOK!
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335. FEAST YOUR EYES ON THE BODY
THAT THE LION SCARED!
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336. OH!
AH!
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337. COME SEE THE MULTI-SCROTUMED
ASS-NIPPLED ADVENTURER.
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338. ENOUGH SCROTUMS
FOR 20 MEN!
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339. BUT, BEWARE HIS
DESCRIPTIONS.
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340. EXTRA, EXTRA!
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341. ODDBALL
ADVENTURER!
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342. HAIR COMES
FROM HIS PENIS!
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343. SCROTUMS ABOUND!
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344. YOU'RE WATCHING
THE CHANNEL FIVE NEWS,
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345. WITH THE TEAM
YOU CAN TRUST.
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346. BENNIE DRUMMOND, MARGARET HOLDEN
AND OTTO BERGHER.
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347. TOGETHER SINCE 1925,
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348. THEY'VE INFORMED
FIVE GENERATIONS
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349. OF SOUTH VALLEY
RESIDENTS.
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350. WINNERS OF OVER
340 LOCAL EMMY AWARDS,
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351. WORLD RECORD HOLDERS
FOR TELLING OVER
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352. 50,000 NEWS STORIES.
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353. AND THE NEWS TEAM WITH
THE MOST GREAT GRANDCHILDREN.
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354. AND THE WORLD'S
ONLY NEWS TEAM
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355. WITH GREAT-GREAT
GRANDCHILDREN.
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356. CHANNEL FIVE'S
TEAM YOU TRUST.
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357. ( stagehand )
OTTO...
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358. OTTO, READ
THE NEWS.
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359. UMM...
TOP STORY...
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360. PLANE CRASH.
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361. MARGARET...
NO MORE NEWS.
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362. NO, NO, MORE NEWS.
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363. WHAT DOES
IT SAY, DEAR?
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364. ( stagehand )
PLANE CRASH...
PLANE CRASH.
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365. PLANE CRASH.
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366. OH, I DON'T
KNOW ANYMORE.
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367. HELLO?
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368. HELLO?
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369. WHO'S CALLING PLEASE?
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370. NO, MRS. HOLDEN,
IT'S ME, MARK.
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371. I'M HERE AT THE SCENE
IN THE ANDES.
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372. HE'S NOT HOME,
WHO'S CALLING?
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373. ALRIGHT, I'M JUST GONNA
START TALKING THEN.
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374. GOODBYE.
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375. ALRIGHT.
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376. WELL, HI, THIS
IS MARK TREEMS
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377. HERE AT THE SCENE
IN THE ANDES
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378. WHERE WE ARE ABOUT
TO GET THE FIRST LOOK
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379. AT THE ONLY KNOWN SURVIVOR
OF PERUVIAN AIRWAYS FLIGHT 78,
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380. WHICH CRASHED
A MONTH AGO
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381. WITH 234 PEOPLE
ONBOARD.
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382. I BELIEVE WE HAVE A PICTURE
OF THE SURVIVOR,
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383. TAKEN MINUTES BEFORE
THE ILL-FATED FLIGHT.
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384. TODD BENLEY
IS HIS NAME,
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385. AND HE HAS
MIRACULOUSLY SURVIVED
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386. OUT HERE IN THE WOODS
FOR ONE FULL MONTH,
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387. WITHOUT PROVISIONS.
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388. LET'S GO TALK
TO HIM NOW.
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389. SIR...
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390. SIR...
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391. SIR, HOW DOES IT FEEL
TO BE THE ONLY SURVIVOR
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392. OF THIS
TRAGIC FLIGHT?
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393. RELIEF, A GREAT
FEELING OF RELIEF.
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394. HOW DID
YOU DO IT?
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395. I WAS FORCED TO EAT THE
FLESH OF MY COMPANIONS
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396. IN ORDER
TO SURVIVE.
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397. MY GOODNESS,
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398. WHAT A TERRIBLE CHOICE
YOU HAD TO MAKE!
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399. PLEASE, DON'T SPEAK
ILL OF THE DEAD.
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400. THEIR FLESH WAS SEASONED
WITH COURAGE AND SELFLESSNESS.
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401. AND EACH TIME I THINK
OF THEIR SACRIFICE,
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402. I HUNGER, FOR THE BONES
OF THEIR BRAVERY.
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403. I ATE THEM ALL,
SHOWED NO FAVORITES.
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404. AND HERE I AM,
FULL AS A TICK.
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405. THE LIVING LEGACY
OF THEIR DEEDS.
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406. WELL, YOU...
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407. YOU'VE ONLY BEEN
OUT HERE FOR 30 DAYS.
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408. DID YOU NEED TO EAT
ALL 234 PEOPLE?
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409. WELL, WHEN I GET
DEPRESSED, I EAT.
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410. THAT'S MY OUTLET.
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411. THEY WERE BRAVE,
BRAVE PEOPLE.
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412. SOME OF THEM.
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413. SOME OF THEM I HAD TO
LOP OFF THEIR LEGS
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414. OR THEY WOULD HAVE RUN
FOR THE HILLS LIKE CHICKENS.
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415. DELICIOUS CHICKENS.
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416. WELL, IT'S A MIRACLE YOU
SURVIVED OUT HERE AT ALL.
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417. THERE'S NO ONE WITHIN
200 MILES OF THIS PLACE
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418. WITH THE EXCEPTION OF
ONE SMALL VILLAGE
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419. THAT WOULD BE HARD
TO FIND WITHOUT A MAP.
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420. YES, YES.
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421. UH, THAT'S WHERE
I GOT THIS BROOM.
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422. I LIKE TO KEEP THIS
PLACE SPIC AND SPAN.
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423. I'M KIND OF
A NEAT FREAK.
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424. SO, YOU'VE BEEN
TO THE VILLAGE?
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425. YEAH, I'VE GOT
A P.O. BOX THERE.
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426. I'VE BEEN GETTING
MY MAGAZINES, UH,
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427. MAURICE DOES MY HAIR.
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428. YOU'VE HAD YOUR
HAIR STYLED?
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429. YEAH, I TOLD 'EM
TO SURPRISE ME.
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430. YOU KNOW, JUST
GO NUTS, YOU KNOW.
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431. I DON'T LIKE IT,
I DON'T DISLIKE IT, YOU KNOW.
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432. WELL, AS THE
ONLY SURVIVOR,
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433. DO YOU HAVE ANY INSIGHT
INTO WHAT CAUSED
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434. THIS FATAL,
TRAGIC FLIGHT?
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435. MMMM, LET'S SEE,
WHEN THE TURBULENCE STARTED,
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436. MY STOMACH STARTED
GROWLING LIKE A BEAR,
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437. YOU KNOW,
FEAR DOES THAT.
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438. NOTHING THEY HAD ONBOARD
WOULD SATISFY ME,
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439. SO UMM, I ATE
THE PILOT AND WE CRASHED.
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440. MY GOODNESS,
YOU ATE THE PILOT?
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441. HOW DID
HE TASTE?
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442. BETTER THAN
AIRPLANE FOOD.
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443. THEY STARTED BY
ENTERTAINING A SHOCKED,
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444. YET AMUSED NATION.
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445. THEN THEY TOOK
THEIR ROUTINE TO PARTIES.
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446. NOW JOIN THEM,
LIVE, AT CARNEGIE HALL,
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447. FOR THE 2,000
POUND OLD MAN.
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448. NOW I UNDERSTAND
YOU MET NAPOLEON,
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449. ISN'T THAT SO?
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450. MET HIM?
I ATE HIM!
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451. WHO WAS THE
FIRST CAVEMAN?
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452. MURRAY.
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453. DID YOU
EAT HIM?
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454. EAT HIM?
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455. I'M NOT THAT OLD,
I'M ONLY 2,000 POUNDS!
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456. FUNDING FOR THIS
PROGRAM PROVIDED BY
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457. THE SOUTHERN HISTORICAL
PRESERVATION SOCIETY
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458. AND RAGTIME BAND.
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459. DURING THE SUMMER
OF 1862,
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460. THE BATTLE OF
TURNER SPRINGS
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461. TOOK PLACE ON
A PATCH OF FARMLAND
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462. OWNED BY MARSHALL SCOTT,
A CONFEDERATE SYMPATHIZER.
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463. IT WAS A BATTLE
WHICH WOULD LAST
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464. FOR OVER TWO WEEKS AND
COST THOUSANDS OF LIVES.
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465. I WANNA LOOK
LIKE THAT GUY.
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466. WHAT, YOU WANT
A FAKE BEARD?
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467. YEAH.
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468. AND ONE OF THEM HATS.
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469. NOPE, A CIVIL WAR HAT.
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470. IT WAS A BATTLE THAT
MANY THOUGHT, WAS OVER.
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471. THE RE-ENACTMENT OF
THE BATTLE OF TURNER SPRINGS
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472. WOULD PROVE TO BE ONE
OF THE FAKE-BLOODIEST
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473. IN HISTORY.
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474. THIS WAS AN IMPORTANT
BATTLE TO RE-ENACT
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475. BECAUSE IT HAD NEVER
BEEN RE-ENACTED BEFORE.
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476. THERE HAD BEEN SEVERAL
ATTEMPTS TO RE-ENACT IT,
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477. BUT EACH TIME
SOMETHING HAD GONE AWRY,
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478. OR AFOUL, OR ASKEW.
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479. ONE TIME ALL THREE.
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480. THOUSANDS WOULD COME
TO PRETEND TO BE BRAVE.
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481. IT WAS AN RE-ENACTMENT
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482. THAT PIT BROTHER
AGAINST BROTHER.
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483. TRAVIS AND LAMAR KITTLE
OF HAPSBURG, MARYLAND,
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484. WERE BORN
IN THIS MODEST HOUSE
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485. ON THE MASON/DIXON LINE,
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486. WHERE THEY STILL
LIVE TODAY.
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487. TRAVIS, A HIGH SCHOOL
DROP OUT
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488. AND CURRENT
HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER,
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489. LOOKED FORWARD TO REFLECTING
UPON THE IMPENDING PAST MEMORY
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490. OF THE FUTURE
RE-ENACTMENT
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491. WITH GREAT RELISH.
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492. LAMAR WAS A TWO-TIME STATE
YELLING CHAMPION,
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493. WHO HAD DREAMS OF SOMEDAY
FINDING A BOX OF MONEY.
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494. THE RE-ENACTMENT
WOULD TAKE PLACE,
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495. OVER 50 MILES AWAY.
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496. AND WOULD TAKE THE TWO BOYS
AWAY FROM THEIR MOTHER
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497. FOR THE FIRST TIME
IN ALMOST TEN YEARS.
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498. IT WAS DECIDED LAMAR
WOULD BE THE NAVIGATOR,
Copy !req
499. TRAVIS WOULD DRIVE THE CAR
AND PHOTOGRAPH HIM.
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500. ( Lamar )
"MAMA, HERE'S A FUNNY
POSTCARD I BOUGHT.
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501. "HOPE YOU'RE
DOING WELL.
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502. "WE ALMOST
ARE THERE.
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503. "WHAT? OH, TRAVIS
SAYS "HEY!"
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504. LOVE, LAMAR."
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505. ( narrator )
AND ON THE FRONT
OF THE POSTCARD,
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506. A MESSAGE OF HOPE
TO HIS MOTHER.
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507. BUT THE DISTANT
THUNDER OF DRUMS
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508. WOULD SOON ERASE
THE SOUNDS OF THEIR LAUGHTER.
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509. FOR THIS WAS THE DAY
THAT WOULD NOT ONLY SEE
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510. NORTH AGAINST SOUTH,
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511. BUT LINCOLN
AGAINST LINCOLN.
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512. WELL, YOU SEE,
TWO LINCOLNS SHOWED UP.
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513. NOW THAT WAS A CASE OF POOR
PLANNING, PURE AND SIMPLE.
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514. AND LINCOLN HIMSELF
HAD NEVER BEEN
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515. AT THE ACTUAL BATTLE
IN THE FIRST PLACE,
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516. SO, NEITHER OF THEM
SHOULD HAVE BEEN THERE.
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517. IT WAS TWO
TOO MANY.
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518. IT WAS SOON
TIME FOR THE BATTLE.
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519. THIS RARE FOOTAGE
CAPTURES A SPEECH
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520. GIVEN BY BLAIN PILVEN,
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521. WHO PORTRAYED
CONFEDERATE GENERAL,
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522. AUSTIN BULLARD.
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523. TWO WE SIMULATE
THE GLORY OF THE MEN,
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524. WHO COULD NOT
BE HERE TODAY.
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525. THEY FOUGHT A LIFE
BATTLE AGAINST DEATH,
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526. BROTHERS AGAINST
AGAINST COUSINS,
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527. HUSBANDS...
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528. AGAINST UNCLES.
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529. ( male )
BUT I GOT THE
PERMIT RIGHT HERE.
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530. HEY, LOOK,
WE'RE NOT ABOUT
Copy !req
531. SOME MADE-UP
FAIRY TALE PARTY.
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532. THIS IS ABOUT
IMPORTANT HISTORY.
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533. BUT WE ALWAYS HOLD
THE RENAISSANCE FAIR HERE.
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534. WE DO IT
EVERY YEAR.
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535. OKAY, ALRIGHT, LOOK,
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536. WHY DON'T YOU GUYS
GO IN THE PARKING LOT
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537. AND HAVE YOUR
LITTLE PAGEANT THERE.
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538. NO!
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539. IT SEEMS AS THOUGH
WE'VE LANDED IN TWO
DIFFERENT TIME PERIODS.
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540. THANK YOU,
SEQUANDOW OF
SECTOR FIVE.
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541. WHO ARE YOU GUYS
SUPPOSED TO BE?
Copy !req
542. CAREFUL COMMANDER,
THESE ALIENS APPEAR HOSTILE.
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543. ( king )
THESE GUYS ALWAYS SHOW UP
AT OUR RENAISSANCE FAIR.
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544. AND THEY PRETEND
THEY'VE BEEN TRANSPORTED
Copy !req
545. FROM SOME OTHER TIME.
Copy !req
546. AND THEN THEY TRY
TO ENGAGE US IN BATTLE.
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547. ( alien )
SET YOUR PHASER
ON STUN, COMMANDER.
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548. WHY DON'T YOU
SET YOUR PHASER
ON SHUT UP?
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549. WHY DON'T YOU
SHUT UP?
Copy !req
550. ( ranger )
ALRIGHT, ALRIGHT,
THAT'S ENOUGH.
Copy !req
551. COME ON, COME ON...
Copy !req
552. LET'S GO.
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553. YOU GUYS TAKE
OFF, ALRIGHT?
Copy !req
554. JUST TAKE A HIKE.
Copy !req
555. WELL EVENTUALLY
EVERYTHING GOT SQUARED AWAY
Copy !req
556. AND BOSS HOGG WAS ABLE
TO GET THE MOONSHINE
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557. TO HIS GRANNY.
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558. WELL, WHAT ABOUT THE
BATTLE RE-ENACTMENT?
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559. OH, WELL, THAT WAS HELD
OUT IN THE PARKING LOT.
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560. YEP, EVERYTHING
WAS FINE.
Copy !req
561. BUT SOMEONE BAYONETED
A TIRE ON A CAR.
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562. THAT CAUSED A PROBLEM
FOR A FAMILY OF FIVE.
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563. WHAT I REALLY WOULD
HAVE LIKED TO HAVE SEEN
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564. WOULD HAVE BEEN A BATTLE
BETWEEN THE SPACE PEOPLE
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565. AND THE MEDIEVAL FOLKS
AND THE CIVIL WAR CHUMS.
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566. THAT PARK RANGER, HE COULD
HAVE JUMPED IN THERE, TOO,
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567. I WOULDN'T
HAVE MINDED THAT.
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568. MR. BURR.
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569. HUH?
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570. THE DOCTOR WILL
SEE YOU NOW.
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571. OH.
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572. EXCUSE ME.
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573. THERE YOU HAVE IT,
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574. MORE GREAT "MR. SHOW"
EDUCATIONAL PROGRAMMING.
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575. IF YOU WANT MORE
PROGRAMMING LIKE THAT,
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576. WON'T YOU CALL IN
YOUR PLEDGE RIGHT NOW?
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577. MAYBE WE SHOULD GO OVER
THOSE PREMIUMS AGAIN.
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578. YEAH, YEAH.
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579. UM, OKAY,
REMEMBER, UH,
Copy !req
580. FOR A SLIGHT DONATION
YOU'LL RECEIVE THIS,
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581. UH, LOVELY CIVIL WAR
RE-ENACTMENT CHESS SET.
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582. LOOK AT THAT,
SEE, THERE'S LINCOLN.
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583. AND WE ALSO HAVE
THE 2,000 POUND OLD MAN
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584. INSPIRATION-A-DAY
CALENDAR FOR YOU.
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585. OKAY, CAN I
READ ONE THESE?
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586. IT'LL BE FUN,
I'LL READ ONE.
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587. THIS IS KIND
OF CRAZY...
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588. I HOPE NO ONE
GETS HURT.
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589. "EXCUSES ARE
THE GAS
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590. "THAT KEEP THE
ENGINE CALLED US
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591. IN THE DRIVEWAY
OF LIFE."
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592. THAT'S KIND
OF MOTIVATIONAL.
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593. YEAH, I'D SAY
INSPIRATIONAL.
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594. STILL NO CALLS.
Copy !req
595. OH, HEY, WHAT
ABOUT THE FAKE POO?
Copy !req
596. Yes, hello.
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597. My grandmother's
turning 100 years of age
Copy !req
598. this Friday.
Copy !req
599. And we want to do something
really special for her.
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600. You know,
she's getting on
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601. and we don't know how much
longer she's gonna be...
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602. Y'all got
fake poo?
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603. Uh, hello?
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604. My wife's just been
diagnosed with inoperable...
Copy !req
605. Y'all got
fake poo?
Copy !req
606. Hey uh, my daughter's
getting married tomorrow
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607. and I was wondering,
y'all got fake poo?
Copy !req
608. Yeah, hey.
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609. I got myself
a fake toilet,
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610. Y'all got
fake poo?
Copy !req
611. I'm terribly sorry,
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612. I seem to have got
the wrong number.
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613. I'm sure it's
not possible...
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614. Y'all got fake poo?
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615. I just found out
my daughter's a lesbian.
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616. Y'all got
fake poo?
Copy !req
617. Hello, I live alone and
I have terrible constipation.
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618. Y'all got
fake poo?
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619. ( many people together )
Hello, hello, hello... !
Copy !req
620. Y'all got fake poo?
Copy !req
621. Captions Copyright 1998
HOME BOX OFFICE
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622. A Division of TIME WARNER
ENTERTAINMENT COMPANY, L.P.
I got a fake asshole,
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623. Captioned by
HBO COMMUNICATIONS CENTER
Y'all got
fake poo?
Copy !req