1. HEY AMERICA,Copy !req
2. IT'S TIME TO HASH THINGS
OUT WITH BOB AND DAVID.Copy !req
3. THANK YOU.Copy !req
4. ALRIGHT,
THANK YOU.Copy !req
5. THE MR. SHOW WATER COOLER
IS AN UNREHEARSED,Copy !req
6. UNSCRIPTED, POLITICAL
JAM SESSION,Copy !req
7. FEATURING
ABSOLUTELY NO EXPERTS.Copy !req
8. JUST FOUR REGULAR
CELEBRITIES,Copy !req
9. SITTING AROUND,
HASHING THINGS OUT,Copy !req
10. AND UH, ONE WATER COOLER,
FOR WHEN THINGS GET HOT,Copy !req
11. OR DRY.Copy !req
12. OKAY, LET'S INTRODUCE
TONIGHT'S GUESTS.Copy !req
13. FROM PORNO,
XONA CHIFFON.Copy !req
14. HOPE I'M
PRONOUNCING
IT CORRECTLY.Copy !req
15. HEY, BABY.Copy !req
16. THANK YOU, XONA.Copy !req
17. AND FROM THE WORLD
OF SKYDIVING,Copy !req
18. KEITH MINDERS.Copy !req
19. WELL, LET'S
GET STARTED.Copy !req
20. THE TOP STORY
TO THE WEEK.Copy !req
21. UH, I THINK
I KNOW IT.Copy !req
22. UMM, OKAY...Copy !req
23. I WAS WATCHING
A COMEDIAN'S MONOLOGUECopy !req
24. ON TV LAST NIGHT,Copy !req
25. AND DID YOU KNOW THAT
THERE WAS SOME SENATOR,Copy !req
26. WHO HAD SURGERY TO
HAVE THE NRA'S LIPSCopy !req
27. REMOVED FROM HIS ASS?Copy !req
28. RIGHT, RIGHT, RIGHT.Copy !req
29. AND WHO'S GOTTA PAY FOR
THAT SURGERY, HUH?Copy !req
30. THE AMERICAN PEOPLE!Copy !req
31. THE OTHER NIGHT,
I SAW A STAND-UP COMIC,Copy !req
32. AND HE INFORMED ME
THAT IF CONGRESS IS GONNACopy !req
33. CONTINUE SPENDING
HIS MONEY,Copy !req
34. THE WAY HIS
GIRLFRIEND DOES,Copy !req
35. THEN THEY TOO SHOULD
GIVE HIM BLOW JOBS.Copy !req
36. OKAY, VIEWS?Copy !req
37. COUNTER-COMMENTS?Copy !req
38. WELL, I'LL TELL 'YA,Copy !req
39. THIS IS AN
INTRIGUING PROPOSAL,Copy !req
40. BUT IT RAISES THE ISSUE,Copy !req
41. JUST HOW MANY BLOW JOBS
CAN CONGRESS GIVECopy !req
42. IN A FISCAL YEAR?Copy !req
43. AND HOW MANY
PEOPLE ARE?Copy !req
44. AND THEN WHAT ARE
THEY ACTUALLY WORTH?Copy !req
45. KEITH, YOU HAVEN'T SAID
MUCH OVER THERE.Copy !req
46. THESE AREN'T
REAL ISSUES.Copy !req
47. THEY'RE JOKES
ABOUT THE NEWS.Copy !req
48. IF YOU WANNA KNOW
THE TOP STORY,
READ THE PAPER...Copy !req
49. WHOA, WHOA, WHOA,
I THOUGHT YOU WERE
A SKYDIVER!Copy !req
50. HOLD ON THERE,
EINSTEIN.Copy !req
51. OH, SOMEBODY
READS THE PAPER.Copy !req
52. AUDIENCE, WHAT DOES THAT
MEAN IT'S TIME FOR?Copy !req
53. SMARTY PANTS!
SMARTY PANTS!Copy !req
54. ( Bob )
THAT'S RIGHT,Copy !req
55. YOU HAVE TO STEP IN
TO THE SMARTY PANTS.Copy !req
56. WHAT'S INSIDE
THE SMARTY PANTS TODAY?Copy !req
57. TODAY'S SMARTY PANTS
ARE FILLED WITH GLAUMAN'SCopy !req
58. RICH AND CREAMY
VANILLA CUSTARD.Copy !req
59. JUST LIKE GRANDMA
USED TO EAT.Copy !req
60. ALRIGHT,
SMARTY PANTS,Copy !req
61. SMARTY PANTS,
SMARTY PANTS...Copy !req
62. ALRIGHT!Copy !req
63. AND YOU ARE
HEREBY SENTENCEDCopy !req
64. TO WATCH THE ALL NEWS CHANNEL
FOR THE REST OF THE SHOW.Copy !req
65. AND MEANWHILE,Copy !req
66. BOB AND I WILL BE IN
THE SOUNDPROOF DISCO BOOTHCopy !req
67. WITH XONA,Copy !req
68. TO SEE HOW MUCH MONEY
WE CAN WIN.Copy !req
69. YOU'RE WATCHING
THE INTERNATIONAL NEWS REPORT,Copy !req
70. THE TOP STORIES
FROM AROUND THE GLOBE.Copy !req
71. AND NOW FROM LONDON,Copy !req
72. HERE'S
AVIANA PRUJYMPUR.Copy !req
73. GOOD EVENING.Copy !req
74. A LOOK AT THE TOP STORIES
AROUND THE GLOBECopy !req
75. AT THIS HOUR.Copy !req
76. IN YANGON, MAYANMA,Copy !req
77. A MONSOON LEAVES THOUSANDS
HOMELESS AND DISEASE-RIDDEN.Copy !req
78. THE JAPANESE GOVERNMENT
DE-VALUES THE YEN,Copy !req
79. TRIGGERING
MASSIVE LAYOFFS,Copy !req
80. AND IN AMERICA,Copy !req
81. THE PRESIDENT
HAS ALLEGEDLY FARTED.Copy !req
82. FOR A RE-CAP OF EVENTS,Copy !req
83. LET'S GO TO LANCE JORDAN
OF THE BBCCopy !req
84. AT THE
WHITE HOUSE, LANCE.Copy !req
85. AVIANA,
IT ALL BEGAN LAST WEEKCopy !req
86. WHEN DOMINICAN REPUBLIC
AMBASSADOR, MARTIF PHARTI,Copy !req
87. THREW A PARTY.Copy !req
88. THE AMBASSADOR
HAD A LONG GUEST LIST,Copy !req
89. SIMPLY EVERYONE WAS THERE.Copy !req
90. IN THE MIDST
OF THE REVELRY,Copy !req
91. THE FOUL ODOR OF HUMAN
FLATULENCE MATERIALIZED,Copy !req
92. AND ITS SOURCE SEEMED
TO BE...Copy !req
93. KNOWN TO HIS FRIENDS
AS "TRU", OR "TRUITTY",Copy !req
94. OR "TWO T" FOR THE TWO T'S
IN HIS FULL NAME.Copy !req
95. AMERICAN REPORTS HAVE
SARCASTICALLY CHARACTERIZEDCopy !req
96. THE ALLEGED EMISSION
AS "A BEAUTY".Copy !req
97. DESPITE THE PRESIDENT'S
QUICK AND ADAMANT DENIAL,Copy !req
98. THE FART HAS CAPTURED
THE OUTRAGE AND IMAGINATIONCopy !req
99. OF AN ENTIRE NATION.Copy !req
100. CAPITALIZING CONVERSATION
IN DAILY LIFE,Copy !req
101. ON LATE-NIGHT
CHAT SHOWS...Copy !req
102. YOU KNOW, FOR THE NEXT STATE
OF THE UNION SPEECH,Copy !req
103. THE VICE PRESIDENT AND
THE SPEAKER OF THE HOUSECopy !req
104. ASKED IF THEY COULD SIT
IN "FRONT" OF THE PRESIDENT!Copy !req
105. EVEN TO LIGHT POLITICAL
SONG PARODIESCopy !req
106. PERFORMED IN A DINNER
THEATER ENVIRONMENT.Copy !req
107. AMERICA IS SIMPLY
ENTHRALLED BY THIS ISSUE.Copy !req
108. AVIANA?Copy !req
109. WE UNDERSTAND THAT
THE PRESIDENT HIMSELFCopy !req
110. IS GOING TO ADDRESS
THE NATION.Copy !req
111. LET'S GO NOW
TO THE WHITE HOUSE.Copy !req
112. MY FELLOW AMERICANS,Copy !req
113. TONIGHT, I AM PREPARED
TO ACCEPT FULL RESPONSIBILITYCopy !req
114. FOR MY ACTIONS.Copy !req
115. ONE WEEK AGO,
MARTI PHARTI THREW A PARTYCopy !req
116. AND EVERYONE WAS THERE.Copy !req
117. I, TOOTY FRUITTY,
LET A BEAUTY,Copy !req
118. AND EVERYONE
WENT OUT FOR AIR.Copy !req
119. NOW IT IS TIME TO
STOP THE ATTACKS,Copy !req
120. THE FINGER POINTING,
THE GIGGLING.Copy !req
121. FOR NOW THIS MATTER
SHOULD BE BETWEEN ME,Copy !req
122. MY WIFE, MY PANTS,
AND OUR GOD.Copy !req
123. THANK YOU.Copy !req
124. WE GO NOW TO CHILDREN
AROUND THE WORLD,Copy !req
125. FOR REACTION TO
THE PRESIDENT'S SPEECH.Copy !req
126. HE FARTED!
HE FARTED!Copy !req
127. HE FARTED!
HE FARTED!Copy !req
128. STOP IT, STOP IT,
YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO LAUGH.Copy !req
129. OH, THESE PARTIES CAN
BE SO VERY TEDIOUS.Copy !req
130. SAY, YOU'RE NEW
HERE, AREN'T YOU?Copy !req
131. YES, YOUR MAJESTY.Copy !req
132. ANNOUNCE TO MY GUESTS THAT
I'M READY TO GREET THEM.Copy !req
133. OH YES, YOUR MAJESTY.Copy !req
134. IF YOU WILL,
THE EARL OF TWIXLER.Copy !req
135. GOOD EVENING,
YOUR MAJESTY.Copy !req
136. IF I MAY, YOU'RE
LOOKING AS SPLENDIDCopy !req
137. AS A PAINTED
PICTURE.Copy !req
138. OH MY, UMM,Copy !req
139. SAY EARL,
I HAVE AN IDEA.Copy !req
140. IN A MOMENT I WILL
ANNOUNCE THAT I'VE GROWN TIREDCopy !req
141. AND WISH TO GO TO SLEEP.Copy !req
142. EVERYONE WILL LEAVE,
BUT YOU STAY BEHINDCopy !req
143. SO THAT WE CAN
CATCH UP ON OLD TIMES.Copy !req
144. WHAT A WICKEDLY
DELIGHTFUL IDEA.Copy !req
145. DON'T TELL ANYBODY.Copy !req
146. ( Guard )
LORD AND LADY PUMMEL!Copy !req
147. HOW VERY...Copy !req
148. YES, IT'S QUITE
AN HONOR, YES.Copy !req
149. LORD AND LADY,
COME HITHER.Copy !req
150. UMM, IN A MOMENT I'M GOING
TO ANNOUNCE THAT I'M TIREDCopy !req
151. AND WISH TO GO SLEEP.Copy !req
152. EVERYONE WILL LEAVE,Copy !req
153. BUT YOU TWO REMAIN
SO WE CAN CRACK-OFF.Copy !req
154. OOH, WITH PLEASURE.Copy !req
155. DON'T TELL ANYBODY.Copy !req
156. ( guard )
THE LORD MAYOR
OF FLAVISHAM.Copy !req
157. MY HONOR TAKES—Copy !req
158. OKAY, ENOUGH OF
THE FLOATIES.Copy !req
159. I'M GOING TO SAY I'M TIRED,
EVERYONE WILL LEAVE, YOU STAY.Copy !req
160. OH, UNCONDITIONALLY,
YOUR MAJESTY.Copy !req
161. DON'T TELL ANYBODY.Copy !req
162. COUNT PLEASANTON!Copy !req
163. YOUR MOST
GLORIOUS MAJESTY.Copy !req
164. WHEN I THINK
ON TIMES...Copy !req
165. OKAY, ENOUGH, ENOUGH,
UMM, I HAVE AN IDEA.Copy !req
166. IN A MOMENT I'M GOING
TO DECREE MYSELF BEDROUSEDCopy !req
167. AND ASK ALL TO
AFFORD ME THEIR LEAVE.Copy !req
168. BUT YOU, TARRY,
SO THAT THE TWO OF USCopy !req
169. MAY BANDY TITHERINGS.Copy !req
170. AH, YOU WISH ME
TO WAFFLE ABOUTCopy !req
171. AND WE SHALL HAVE
A PRIVATE FOLLY, EH?Copy !req
172. WELL, AND SO, YES.Copy !req
173. DON'T YOU
TELL ANYONE.Copy !req
174. GUARD?Copy !req
175. YES, YOUR MAJESTY?Copy !req
176. WOULD YOU ANNOUNCE THAT
I'M AFRAID I'M TIREDCopy !req
177. AND WISH TO GO
TO SLEEP NOW?Copy !req
178. YES, BUT THE PARTY'S
JUST BEGUN.Copy !req
179. GUARD... DO IT!Copy !req
180. YES, YOUR MAJESTY!Copy !req
181. UH, HER MAJESTY WOULD
LIKE TO ANNOUNCECopy !req
182. THAT SHE HAS GROWN TIRED
AND WOULD LIKE TO GO TO SLEEP,Copy !req
183. AND SHE BIDS YOU ALL
A FOND GOODBYE.Copy !req
184. GOODBYE,
GOODBYE...Copy !req
185. GUARD!Copy !req
186. HER MAJESTY HAS WISHED
YOU ALL GOODBYE!Copy !req
187. WILL YOU PLEASE
GATHER YOUR COATSCopy !req
188. FROM THE CLOAKERY.Copy !req
189. OH, THE CLOAKERY,
ABSOLUTELY!Copy !req
190. THE CLOAKERY
IS RIGHT OVER HERECopy !req
191. IN CASE YOU'VE
FORGOTTEN.Copy !req
192. PLEASE.Copy !req
193. YES, LET US ALL MAKE
OUR WAY TO THE
CLOAKERY!Copy !req
194. YES, PLEASE!Copy !req
195. LET US PROCEED
TO THE CLOAKERY...Copy !req
196. PLEASE.Copy !req
197. THANK YOU.Copy !req
198. GUARD, ARE YOU ON THE WORLD'S
LONGEST COFFEE BREAK?Copy !req
199. NO.Copy !req
200. GET RID OF THEM!Copy !req
201. OF COURSE, I WILL.Copy !req
202. A GOODNIGHT
TO YOU ALL.Copy !req
203. YES, AND GOODBYE.Copy !req
204. ALL OF US, AND
NONE SHALL TARRY.Copy !req
205. EXCELLENT.Copy !req
206. OH GOODNESS,
MY COPPER PENCE.Copy !req
207. GOODNIGHT!Copy !req
208. ( lady )
CAN WE HELP YOU?Copy !req
209. NO, NO, PLEASE,
IT'S POISONOUS.Copy !req
210. ONLY I HAVE
THE ANTIDOTE.Copy !req
211. ( guard )
PLEASE, RUN ALONG!Copy !req
212. I'LL MAIL THE
REST TO YOU...Copy !req
213. YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO
BE RICH, AREN'T YOU?Copy !req
214. WHAT DO YOU CARE
ABOUT A FEW PENNIES?Copy !req
215. WHAT WAS THAT YOU SAID,
YOUR MAJESTY?Copy !req
216. SHE SAID
NOTHING!Copy !req
217. OH, BUT I THOUGHT
THAT I HEARD...Copy !req
218. YOU HEARD NOTHING!Copy !req
219. UH...Copy !req
220. THAT IS WHAT
I MEANT...Copy !req
221. WHEN I HEARD NOTHING,
I BECAME FRIGHTENED.Copy !req
222. I THOUGHT MAYBE
SHE'D DIED.Copy !req
223. HER MAJESTY IS
QUITE ALIVECopy !req
224. AND VIGOROUSLY WAVING
GOODBYE TO YOU!Copy !req
225. OH THEN, GOOD.Copy !req
226. PLEASE!Copy !req
227. ALTOGETHER IN A GROUP,
LEAVE THE ROOM!Copy !req
228. WAIT, WAIT,
WAIT, WAIT...Copy !req
229. WHERE'S THE
LORD MAYOR?Copy !req
230. YES!
YES!Copy !req
231. OUT!Copy !req
232. I'M SORRY...Copy !req
233. OUT, OUT!Copy !req
234. YOUR MAJESTY, IT IS
THE GREATEST HONOR...Copy !req
235. YOU'RE NOT A
VERY GOOD GUARD.Copy !req
236. NO, NOT TONIGHT
I'M NOT...Copy !req
237. WHY ARE
YOU HERE!Copy !req
238. WHY IS HE HERE?Copy !req
239. WELL, I, LEFT
SOMETHING BEHIND.Copy !req
240. WHAT, WHAT DID YOU
LEAVE BEHIND?Copy !req
241. OOH, WELL,
IT WAS SMALL AND...Copy !req
242. I THOUGHT THEY
WOULD NEVER...Copy !req
243. WHY ARE YOU
TWO HERE?Copy !req
244. WE WANTED TO
LEAVE AGAIN.Copy !req
245. YES!Copy !req
246. WE HAD SO MUCH FUN
LEAVING THE FIRST TIME.Copy !req
247. WE THOUGHT WE'D...Copy !req
248. THOSE IDIOTS...
HELLO, WHAT'S THIS?Copy !req
249. WHY HAVE
YOU RETURNED!Copy !req
250. I'VE SPRAINED
ALL MY ANKLES.Copy !req
251. HOW?Copy !req
252. I HAVE
RETURNED!Copy !req
253. WHY WON'T YOU ALL LEAVE
THE QUEEN IN PEACE!Copy !req
254. WAIT A SECOND!Copy !req
255. WHERE IS
THE QUEEN?Copy !req
256. THE QUEEN'S
ESCAPED!Copy !req
257. THAT BITCH!Copy !req
258. OKAY, SO THAT'S
ONE QUEEN SIDECARCopy !req
259. AND ONE HER MAJESTY'S
SECRET DAIQUIRI?Copy !req
260. YEAH, THAT'S GREAT.Copy !req
261. HEY, MAN,
WHAT THE FUCK!Copy !req
262. WHAT THE FUCK
IS YOUR PROBLEM?Copy !req
263. WATCH WHERE YOU'RE
GOIN', ASSHOLE!Copy !req
264. HEY, JUST DON'T
TOUCH ME!Copy !req
265. COME ON, LARRY,
LEAVE IT ALONE.Copy !req
266. THIS GUY FUCKIN'
PUSHED ME.Copy !req
267. YOU'LL KNOW
IF I PUSH YOU.Copy !req
268. OH YEAH?
YOU WANNA
STEP OUTSIDE?Copy !req
269. JUST IGNORE
HIM, TOM.Copy !req
270. I AIN'T
IGNORIN' SHIT.Copy !req
271. COME ON,
LET'S GO!Copy !req
272. YEAH, RUN AWAY,
CHICKENSHIT!Copy !req
273. FUCKIN' GUYS!Copy !req
274. I AIN'T RUNNIN' !Copy !req
275. I'LL STAY ON YOUR FUCKIN' ASS
ALL FUCKIN' NIGHT!Copy !req
276. HEY, I'M IN IT
FOR THE LONG HAUL!Copy !req
277. I'LL MARRY
YOUR STUPID ASS!Copy !req
278. OH, YEAH! 'TIL DEATH
DO US PART, ASSHOLE!Copy !req
279. I FUCKIN' DO!Copy !req
280. I, LARRY BRANSON,Copy !req
281. PROMISE THAT I WILL
NOT CHICKENSHIT-OUTCopy !req
282. UNTIL YOU ADMIT
THAT YOU'RE A PUSSY!Copy !req
283. OR 'TIL ONE
OF US DIES!Copy !req
284. THE RING,
PLEASE.Copy !req
285. YEAH!Copy !req
286. COME ON... !Copy !req
287. COME ON... !Copy !req
288. FUCKIN' GUYS!Copy !req
289. YEAH, READ IT AND
WEEP, ASSHOLE!Copy !req
290. HERE'S YOUR FUCKIN'
LEMONADE, ASSHOLE!Copy !req
291. YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT!Copy !req
292. COME ON,
COME ON!Copy !req
293. RIGHT HERE, MAN!Copy !req
294. DRINK IT UP!Copy !req
295. I GOT IT, MAN,
I GOT IT RIGHT HERE!Copy !req
296. JEEZ, ALL THESE
FUCKIN' RECEIPTS.Copy !req
297. AH, QUIT YOUR
BITCHIN', ALRIGHT?Copy !req
298. HEY, WHAT'S THIS?Copy !req
299. THAT'S FOR THAT SWEATER
I GOT YOU LAST YEARCopy !req
300. FOR YOUR DUMB-ASS
BIRTHDAY.Copy !req
301. YOU SAID YOU FUCKIN'
MADE IT YOURSELF!Copy !req
302. NO, I NEVER SAID...Copy !req
303. YOU FUCKIN'
LIED TO ME!Copy !req
304. NO!Copy !req
305. WELL, MAYBE OUR WEDDING
VOWS WERE A LIE...Copy !req
306. TOO!Copy !req
307. CHICKENSHIT!Copy !req
308. COME BACK!Copy !req
309. WHAT THE FUCK?Copy !req
310. YOU WANT TO
START SOMETHING?Copy !req
311. NO...Copy !req
312. DON'T WORRY, SWEETIE,
HE'LL COME BACK.Copy !req
313. YOU TWO WERE MADE
FOR EACH OTHER.Copy !req
314. IT'S EASIER
FOR HIM.Copy !req
315. WHAT IF I HAVE TO
FIND SOMEBODY ELSE?Copy !req
316. I DON'T THINK YOU'RE GOING
TO HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT THAT.Copy !req
317. I'M SORRY,Copy !req
318. I SHOULDN'T
HAVE LIED.Copy !req
319. IT WAS MY FAULT.Copy !req
320. I, YOU KNOW,
I OVER-REACTED.Copy !req
321. DO YOU WANT,
TO GET BACK
TOGETHER?Copy !req
322. YEAH.Copy !req
323. ALRIGHT,
CHICKENSHIT!Copy !req
324. IT'S ON,
ASSHOLE!Copy !req
325. YOU'RE
A CHICKENSHIT!Copy !req
326. YOU'RE A PUSSY,
YOU WIMP!Copy !req
327. OH YEAH?Copy !req
328. YOU WANNA MAKE
SOMETHING OF IT?Copy !req
329. MAYBE I DO!Copy !req
330. MAYBE I...Copy !req
331. I'M SORRY,
HE'S GONE.Copy !req
332. OH, I GUESS HE WASN'T SUCH
A CHICKENSHIT AFTER ALL.Copy !req
333. AH, WELL,
BARTENDER!Copy !req
334. OH!Copy !req
335. MY LIFE...Copy !req
336. ( yelling )
ST. PETER... !Copy !req
337. ( yelling )
GOD, GOD, GOD!Copy !req
338. SAY PETER...Copy !req
339. DO ME A FAVOR, UH,Copy !req
340. THERE'S A PLANE GOING
DOWN IN THE ANDES,Copy !req
341. A BRAZILIAN
BIKINI TEAM.Copy !req
342. LET 'EM IN,
V.I.P. LOUNGE,
THE WHOLE SHOT.Copy !req
343. I'M GONNA GO DOWN TO
EARTH FOR A FEW SECONDS.Copy !req
344. MAKE SOME MAGIC.Copy !req
345. CHECK, CHECK... SST.Copy !req
346. HEY, GOD, HEY.Copy !req
347. HOW'S IT GOING KID?Copy !req
348. GOOD, I GOT THE LEVELS SET,
WE'RE ALL SET.Copy !req
349. YOU WANNA GO?Copy !req
350. GREAT, I'M
ALL SET, TOO.Copy !req
351. OKAY, GREAT.Copy !req
352. SO, SLATE YOURSELF
AND THEN WE'LL STARTCopy !req
353. WITH A PREFACE, OKAY?Copy !req
354. YOU GOT IT, KID.Copy !req
355. ALRIGHT,
HERE WE GO...Copy !req
356. BOOK ON TAPE
RECORDING...Copy !req
357. "MY LIFE IN
THE FAST LANE",Copy !req
358. GOD'S AUTOBIOGRAPHY.Copy !req
359. AS READ BY... ME, GOD.Copy !req
360. ALL SEEING?
YEAH.Copy !req
361. ALL KNOWING?Copy !req
362. YEAH, BUT I'M NOT
MR. KNOW-IT-ALL.Copy !req
363. PERFECT IN
EVERY WAY?Copy !req
364. NOT BY
A LONG SHOT.Copy !req
365. HAVE I DONE SOME THINGS
THAT I'M PROUD OF?Copy !req
366. WELL, ONE
THING, MY SON.Copy !req
367. JESUS, YOU'RE TOPSCopy !req
368. AND YOU TEACH ME
NEW THINGS EVERY DAY.Copy !req
369. THIS IS FOR YOU, KID.Copy !req
370. NOW YOU'RE GONNA
LEARN A LITTLE BIT MORECopy !req
371. ABOUT YOUR OLD MAN THAN
YOU WANTED TO KNOW.Copy !req
372. TO THE READER WHO WONDERS,Copy !req
373. ISN'T THERE A BOOK
ABOUT GOD ALREADY?Copy !req
374. YEAH, YOU CALL IT THE BIBLE,
I CALL IT, TOO MANY COOKS.Copy !req
375. SURE, THE NAMES AND
DATES ARE THERE,Copy !req
376. BUT NOBODY CAUGHT
THE ATTITUDE, THE SWAGGER,Copy !req
377. THE LITTLE KID WONDER,
BASKING IN PRAISECopy !req
378. IN THE RED SEA
ONE MINUTE,Copy !req
379. AND THEN VOMITING IN
A JOHN NEXT TO MICK JAGGARCopy !req
380. AT STUDIO 54
THE NEXT.Copy !req
381. OH MAN, WHAT A LIFE,
WHAT A RIOT IT'S BEEN.Copy !req
382. TRUTH BE TOLD,Copy !req
383. I REALLY HAVE
ONLY ONE COMMANDMENT,Copy !req
384. SUNDAY'S
ARE MY DAY.Copy !req
385. THAT MEANS, NO PRAYERS,
NO CALLS, FAX, NO NOTHING.Copy !req
386. JUMP TO JANUARY 13, 1974.Copy !req
387. I'M IN THE BEACH HOUSE
ON CONTEMPO DRIVECopy !req
388. IN MY JACUZZI
TAKING A SCHVITZ.Copy !req
389. SUDDENLY, I FEEL AN OLD PAIN
IN THE BACK OF MY NECK.Copy !req
390. OH MAN,
SOMEONE'S PRAYING.Copy !req
391. "HEY GOD,
IT'S ME."Copy !req
392. I RECOGNIZE
THE VOICE INSTANTLY.Copy !req
393. IT'S TERRY BRADSHAW,
PITTSBURGH STEELER'S
QUARTERBACK,Copy !req
394. FOUR-TIME WORLD CHAMP
AND FUTURE HALL-OF-FAMER.Copy !req
395. "IT'S THE SUPERBOWL,Copy !req
396. WE'RE DOWN SIX POINTS,
YOU GOTTA HELP ME
MAKE THIS PASS."Copy !req
397. BOOM, I GO
SHIT-HOUSE ON HIM.Copy !req
398. "I DON'T GOTTA DO
ANYTHING, TERRY.Copy !req
399. "YOU ARE ONE PUSSY HAIR
AWAY FROM ETERNALCopy !req
400. HELL-FIRE MY FRIEND."Copy !req
401. I CUT HIM OFF,
GOT BACK TO MY SCHVITZ.Copy !req
402. THE BALL'S
ON THAT GUY.Copy !req
403. DID I HELP HIM?Copy !req
404. HELL NO, A RULE
IS A RULE IS A RULE,Copy !req
405. UNLESS YOU'RE
A WOMAN.Copy !req
406. DID HE MAKE
THE PASS?Copy !req
407. YOU KNOW IT.Copy !req
408. TERRY'S
JUST THAT GOOD.Copy !req
409. HEY, IF HE THINKS I HAD
ANYTHING TO DO WITH IT,Copy !req
410. SO BE IT,
I'M NOT TELLIN'.Copy !req
411. YEP, IF I'VE EVER
KNOWN PERFECTIONCopy !req
412. IN THIS ETERNAL LIFE,Copy !req
413. IT WAS AS A
PERFECT JACKASS.Copy !req
414. AM I PROUD OF WHAT
I'VE ACCOMPLISHED?Copy !req
415. WELL, SOME OF IT.Copy !req
416. WAS I RIGHT WHEN I THOUGHT
I COULD DO IT ALL BY MYSELF,Copy !req
417. OOH, MAN, I WAS
WORSE THAN RIGHT.Copy !req
418. I WAS WRONG.Copy !req
419. BUT, WHAT A
RIDE IT'S BEEN.Copy !req
420. WHAT A RIDE.Copy !req
421. HOW'S THAT KID?Copy !req
422. GREAT,
WE GOT IT.Copy !req
423. ALRIGHT, I GOT A PARTY AT
MICKEY STEIN'S TO GO TO.Copy !req
424. TAKE IT EASY, I'LL CATCH
YOU ON THE FLIP-FLOP.Copy !req
425. THE UNEXPLAINED,Copy !req
426. THE INEXPLICABLE,Copy !req
427. THE HARD TO CONVEY.Copy !req
428. SINCE THE DAWN OF TIME,
MEN HAVE WONDERED...Copy !req
429. DO MYSTERIES
REALLY EXIST?Copy !req
430. SOME SAY MAYBE,
OTHERS AREN'T SO SURE.Copy !req
431. TONIGHT'S ENIGMA,Copy !req
432. "MONSTER PARTIES",
PROVED SO UPSETTINGCopy !req
433. MOST EXPERTS REFUSE
TO SPEAK WITH US.Copy !req
434. ALL BUT ONE.Copy !req
435. WELL, IT'S CERTAINLY AN
INTRIGUING QUESTION.Copy !req
436. ( narrator )
WE TALKED TO A DOCTORCopy !req
437. WHO WAS WILLING TO
SHARE HIS EXPERIENCE.Copy !req
438. I'D SAY THE
FIRST RECORDCopy !req
439. THAT EVER REALLY
COVERED THAT TOPICCopy !req
440. WAS "HALLOWEEN SHINDIG"Copy !req
441. BY ED TWILLEY
AND THE CREEPERS.Copy !req
442. IN 1978, THERE WAS
MONSTER DISCO BALL!Copy !req
443. AND UH, OH...Copy !req
444. THERE'S
THE GOOFY TUNESCopy !req
445. WITH "THE WOLFMAN'S
WEDDING RECEPTION".Copy !req
446. IT GETS TWO SQUEAKSCopy !req
447. BECAUSE IT'S THE
FUNNIEST ONE OF ALL.Copy !req
448. DRACULA, THE WOLFMAN,
THE MUMMY,Copy !req
449. WOULD THESE MONSTERS EVER
ASSEMBLE AS A GROUPCopy !req
450. IN A PARTY SETTING,
TO DANCE,Copy !req
451. OR EAT AND DRINK
TOGETHER?Copy !req
452. WHILE SKEPTICS
DECLARED IMPOSSIBLE,Copy !req
453. NOVELTY SONGS SEEMED TO
SUGGEST QUITE THE OPPOSITE.Copy !req
454. COULD ALL THESE SONGS
POSSIBLY BE WRONG?Copy !req
455. IT WOULD PROBABLY BE HELD
IN A MANSION, OR A CRYPT,Copy !req
456. OR A CEMETERY,
INDOORS OR... MOTHER!Copy !req
457. IT'S AT NIGHT,
MAYBE IN A SWAMP.Copy !req
458. THE MOST RECENT
EXAMPLE IS THIS ONECopy !req
459. BY JERKIN'
JAMES WHITCROFT...Copy !req
460. "DRACULA'S
PAJAMA PARTY."Copy !req
461. WELL, THIS IS
PREPOSTEROUS.Copy !req
462. MONSTERS, GETTING
TOGETHER TO CELEBRATE?Copy !req
463. I MEAN, THINK ABOUT
HOW THAT SOUNDS.Copy !req
464. IT'S RIDICULOUS.Copy !req
465. I MEAN, THEY
GET TOGETHER,Copy !req
466. IT'S GONNA BE
A TERRIFYING BATTLE.Copy !req
467. THEY'RE NOT
GONNA GET ALONG,Copy !req
468. MUCH LESS A BASH
OF SOME KIND.Copy !req
469. NO, NO.Copy !req
470. I WROTE
"DRACULA'S PAJAMA PARTY"Copy !req
471. TO HELP ME DEAL
WITH THE PAIN
AND FEAR I HAD.Copy !req
472. IT HAPPENED,
IT HAPPENED TO ME!Copy !req
473. ( narrator )
JAMES WHITCROFT'S LIFECopy !req
474. HAD FOREVER BEEN CHANGED
BY WHAT HE COULDCopy !req
475. ONLY DESCRIBE AS A...Copy !req
476. I GOT THE SCARS
TO PROVE IT.Copy !req
477. I GAINED WEIGHT FROM
THE CAKE THEY SERVED,Copy !req
478. I STILL HAVE
A PARTY FAVOR.Copy !req
479. EVERYTHING I WROTE ABOUT
IN "DRACULA'S PAJAMA PARTY",Copy !req
480. I EXPERIENCED.Copy !req
481. UH, THE PLASMA PIZZA,Copy !req
482. THE BLOOD
BALLOON RACE,Copy !req
483. UHH...Copy !req
484. UHH...Copy !req
485. THE BOBBING
FOR BRAINS...Copy !req
486. UHHH...Copy !req
487. UHHH...Copy !req
488. UHHH...Copy !req
489. UHHH...Copy !req
490. ( professor )
NOPE, NO, NO.Copy !req
491. IF YOU WERE TO ASK ME
IF A BUNCH OF DRACULASCopy !req
492. MIGHT GET TOGETHER,
OR A BUNCH OF WOLFMEN,Copy !req
493. THEN YES, THEY PROBABLY
DO HAVE VERY GOOD PARTIES.Copy !req
494. WE'LL NEVER KNOW.Copy !req
495. HOWEVER, WE CAN WRITE
POEMS ABOUT IT...Copy !req
496. ( narrator )
KNOWING AND ACCEPTING
THE RISK INVOLVEDCopy !req
497. BY RE-LIVING HIS
HORRIFYING NIGHT,Copy !req
498. JAMES WHITCROFT AGREED
TO BE HYPNOTIZEDCopy !req
499. AND TRAVELED OVER
15 MILES PER HOURCopy !req
500. FOR ONE-QUARTER OF AN HOUR,Copy !req
501. TO VISIT PROFESSIONAL
PARTY MAGICIAN,Copy !req
502. TISH POMFRITZ.Copy !req
503. DO YOU KNOW HOW
FAR HE TRAVELED?Copy !req
504. ANSWER AT THE END
OF THE SHOW.Copy !req
505. YOU ARE NOW
OFFICIALLY HYPNOTIZED,Copy !req
506. IN THE STATE
OF RHODE ISLAND.Copy !req
507. NOW, TELL ME WHAT
HAPPENED, JAMES.Copy !req
508. I'M IN THE CEMETERY...Copy !req
509. AND...Copy !req
510. I HEAR A NOISE.Copy !req
511. WHERE IS THE NOISE
COMING FROM, JAMES?Copy !req
512. IT'S COMING FROM
BEHIND THE TOMBSTONE.Copy !req
513. SOUNDS LIKE
A BASH...Copy !req
514. OR A MASH!Copy !req
515. NOW THERE'S PEOPLE
HAVING A PARTY...Copy !req
516. THERE'S CAKE AND
A KEG OF BEER, AND,Copy !req
517. THEY'RE NOT PEOPLE,
THEY'RE MONSTERS!Copy !req
518. THE MUMMY IS DRUNK
AND HE LOVES TO FUCK,Copy !req
519. AND THE WEREWOLF
IS DANCINGCopy !req
520. WITH FRANKENSTEIN'S BRIDE.Copy !req
521. AND FRANKIE GOT MAD,
HE NEARLY RE-DIED.Copy !req
522. IT'S HORRIBLE...
IT'S HORRIBLE!Copy !req
523. WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN
THE GRAVEYARD, JAMES?Copy !req
524. I JUST WANNA
DIG UP A CORPSECopy !req
525. AND HAVE SEXUAL
RELATIONS WITH IT!Copy !req
526. These monsters!Copy !req
527. WAKE UP!Copy !req
528. ACCORDING TO
THE MACHINE,Copy !req
529. HE'S TELLING
THE TRUTH,Copy !req
530. EXCEPT FOR THE PART ABOUT
THE MONSTER PARTY.Copy !req
531. BUT YES, HIS NAME
IS JAMES WHITCROFT.Copy !req
532. AND HE WANTS TO HAVE
SEX WITH A CORPSE.Copy !req
533. DESPITE THIS
INCONTROVERTIBLE PROOF,Copy !req
534. SOME REMAIN SKEPTICAL.Copy !req
535. WHAT!Copy !req
536. THESE ARE NOVELTY SONGS,
THEY'RE NOT REAL.Copy !req
537. WHAT ARE YOU
TALKING ABOUT?Copy !req
538. ( Whitcroft )
I DIDN'T WRITE
THIS SONGCopy !req
539. SO THAT IT WOULD BE TAKEN
AS SOME SORT OF JOKE,Copy !req
540. OR PARTY ANTHEM.Copy !req
541. I'M JUST TRYING TO
UNDERSTAND MY LIFE,Copy !req
542. THROUGH MUSIC.Copy !req
543. DESPITE
HIS TRAUMA,Copy !req
544. JAMES WASHES
A SET OF CLOTHESCopy !req
545. AND PREPARES
TO TAKE THE STAGECopy !req
546. AT A LOCAL TALENT VENUE,Copy !req
547. TO SEE IF HIS HYPNOTIC
ORDEAL MAY HAVE FREED HIMCopy !req
548. OF THE BURDEN OF HIS
TRAUMATIC MEMORIES.Copy !req
549. HE HIRES A CABBY,Copy !req
550. AND ATTEMPTS TO PRESENT
HIS TERRIBLE MEMORYCopy !req
551. TO A GROUP
OF STRANGERS.Copy !req
552. BUT HE IS EARLY,Copy !req
553. AND SO MUST WAIT
UNTIL THE DOORS OPEN.Copy !req
554. I WANT YOU TO GIVE
A BIG HOT COFFEE HUNT WELCOMECopy !req
555. TO JAMES WHITCROFT,
COME ON...Copy !req
556. COME ON,
COME ON GUYS.Copy !req
557. JAMES, GOOD LUCK.Copy !req
558. THANKS,
EVERYBODY.Copy !req
559. UMM, I WANT TO
SING A SONGCopy !req
560. THAT I WROTE A COUPLE
OF YEARS AGOCopy !req
561. ABOUT SOMETHING
THAT HAPPENED TO ME.Copy !req
562. OKAY, HERE IT GOES.Copy !req
563. GET AWAY... !Copy !req
564. CAPTIONS COPYRIGHT 1998
HOME BOX OFFICECopy !req
565. A DIVISION OF TIME WARNER
ENTERTAINMENT COMPANY, L.P.Copy !req
566. Captioned by
HBO COMMUNICATIONS CENTERCopy !req