1. ( announcer )
HEY AMERICA,Copy !req
2. IT'S TIME TO HASH THINGS
OUT WITH BOB AND DAVID.Copy !req
3. THANK YOU.Copy !req
4. ALL RIGHT,
THANK YOU.Copy !req
5. THE MR. SHOW WATER COOLER
IS AN UNREHEARSED,Copy !req
6. UNSCRIPTED, POLITICAL
JAM SESSION,Copy !req
7. FEATURING
ABSOLUTELY NO EXPERTS.Copy !req
8. JUST FOUR REGULAR
CELEBRITIES,Copy !req
9. SITTING AROUND,
HASHING THINGS OUT,Copy !req
10. AND UH, ONE WATER COOLER,
FOR WHEN THINGS GET HOT,Copy !req
11. OR DRY.Copy !req
12. OKAY, LET'S INTRODUCE
TONIGHT'S GUESTS.Copy !req
13. FROM PORNO,Copy !req
14. XONA CHIFFON.Copy !req
15. HOPE I'M
PRONOUNCING THAT CORRECTLY.Copy !req
16. ( audience whooping )Copy !req
17. HEY, BABY.Copy !req
18. THANK YOU, XONA.Copy !req
19. AND FROM THE WORLD
OF SKYDIVING,Copy !req
20. KEITH MINDERS.Copy !req
21. WELL, LET'S
GET STARTED.Copy !req
22. THE TOP STORY
OF THE WEEK.Copy !req
23. UH, I THINK
I KNOW IT.Copy !req
24. UMM, OKAY,Copy !req
25. I WAS WATCHING
A COMEDIAN'S MONOLOGUECopy !req
26. ON TV LAST NIGHT,Copy !req
27. AND, DID YOU KNOW THAT
THERE WAS SOME SENATOR,Copy !req
28. WHO HAD SURGERY TO
HAVE THE NRA'S LIPSCopy !req
29. REMOVED FROM HIS ASS?Copy !req
30. RIGHT, RIGHT, RIGHT.Copy !req
31. AND WHO'S GOTTA PAY FOR
THAT SURGERY, HUH?Copy !req
32. THE AMERICAN PEOPLE!Copy !req
33. ( applause )Copy !req
34. THE OTHER NIGHT,
I SAW A STAND-UP COMIC,Copy !req
35. AND HE INFORMED ME
THAT IF CONGRESS IS GONNACopy !req
36. CONTINUE SPENDING
HIS MONEY,Copy !req
37. THE WAY HIS
GIRLFRIEND DOES,Copy !req
38. THEN THEY TOO SHOULD
GIVE HIM BLOW JOBS.Copy !req
39. OKAY, VIEWS?
COUNTER-COMMENTS?Copy !req
40. WELL, I'LL TELL 'YA, THIS
IS AN INTRIGUING PROPOSAL.Copy !req
41. BUT IT RAISES THE ISSUE:Copy !req
42. JUST HOW MANY BLOW JOBS
CAN CONGRESS GIVE IN A FISCAL YEAR?Copy !req
43. AND HOW MANY
DO PEOPLE WANT?Copy !req
44. AND THEN WHAT ARE
THEY ACTUALLY WORTH?Copy !req
45. KEITH, YOU HAVEN'T
SAID MUCH OVER THERE.Copy !req
46. THESE AREN'T
REAL ISSUES.Copy !req
47. THEY'RE JOKES
ABOUT THE NEWS.Copy !req
48. IF YOU WANNA KNOW
THE TOP STORY, READ THE PAPER...Copy !req
49. WHOA, WHOA, WHOA,
I THOUGHT YOU WERE A SKYDIVER!Copy !req
50. HOLD ON THERE,
EINSTEIN.Copy !req
51. SOMEBODY READS
THE PAPER!Copy !req
52. AUDIENCE, WHAT DOES THAT
MEAN IT'S TIME FOR?Copy !req
53. SMARTY PANTS!Copy !req
54. THAT'S RIGHT,Copy !req
55. YOU HAVE TO STEP IN
TO THE SMARTY PANTS.Copy !req
56. CHARLES, WHAT'S INSIDE
THE SMARTY PANTS TODAY?Copy !req
57. ( Charles )
TODAY'S SMARTY PANTS ARE FILLED WITH GLAUMAN'SCopy !req
58. RICH AND CREAMY
VANILLA CUSTARD.Copy !req
59. JUST LIKE GRANDMA
USED TO EAT.Copy !req
60. ALRIGHT,
SMARTY PANTS,Copy !req
61. SMARTY PANTS,
SMARTY PANTS.Copy !req
62. ALL RIGHT!Copy !req
63. AND YOU ARE
HEREBY SENTENCEDCopy !req
64. TO WATCH THE ALL-NEWS CHANNEL
FOR THE REST OF THE SHOW.Copy !req
65. AND MEANWHILE,Copy !req
66. BOB AND I WILL BE
IN THE SOUNDPROOF DISCO BOOTH WITH XONA,Copy !req
67. TO SEE HOW MUCH
MONEY WE CAN WIN.Copy !req
68. ( announcer )
YOU'RE WATCHING THE INTERNATIONAL NEWS REPORT,Copy !req
69. THE TOP STORIES
FROM AROUND THE GLOBE.Copy !req
70. AND NOW FROM
LONDON, HERE'S AVIANA PRUJYMPUR.Copy !req
71. GOOD EVENING.Copy !req
72. A LOOK AT THE TOP STORIES
AROUND THE GLOBE AT THIS HOUR.Copy !req
73. IN YANGON, MAYANMA,Copy !req
74. A MONSOON LEAVES THOUSANDS
HOMELESS AND DISEASE-RIDDEN.Copy !req
75. THE JAPANESE GOVERNMENT
DE-VALUES THE YEN,Copy !req
76. TRIGGERING
MASSIVE LAYOFFS,Copy !req
77. AND IN AMERICA,Copy !req
78. THE PRESIDENT HAS
ALLEGEDLY FARTED.Copy !req
79. FOR A RE-CAP OF EVENTS,Copy !req
80. LET'S GO TO LANCE JORDAN
OF THE BBCCopy !req
81. AT THE
WHITE HOUSE, LANCE.Copy !req
82. AVIANA, IT ALL
BEGAN LAST WEEKCopy !req
83. WHEN DOMINICAN REPUBLIC
AMBASSADOR, MARTIF PHARTI,Copy !req
84. THREW A PARTY.Copy !req
85. THE AMBASSADOR HAD
A LONG GUEST LIST,Copy !req
86. SIMPLY EVERYONE WAS THERE.Copy !req
87. IN THE MIDST
OF THE REVELRY,Copy !req
88. THE FOUL ODOR OF HUMAN
FLATULENCE MATERIALIZED,Copy !req
89. AND ITS SOURCE
SEEMED TO BECopy !req
90. THE PRESIDENT
OF THE UNITED STATES, TRUMAN THEODORE FRUTTI.Copy !req
91. KNOWN TO HIS FRIENDS
AS "TRU", OR "TRUITTY",Copy !req
92. OR "TWO T" FOR THE TWO T'S
IN HIS FULL NAME.Copy !req
93. AMERICAN REPORTS HAVE
SARCASTICALLY CHARACTERIZEDCopy !req
94. THE ALLEGED EMISSION
AS "A BEAUTY".Copy !req
95. DESPITE THE PRESIDENT'S
QUICK AND ADAMANT DENIAL,Copy !req
96. THE FART HAS CAPTURED
THE OUTRAGE AND IMAGINATIONCopy !req
97. OF AN ENTIRE NATION.Copy !req
98. CAPITALIZING CONVERSATION
IN DAILY LIFE,Copy !req
99. ON LATE-NIGHT
CHAT SHOWS...Copy !req
100. YOU KNOW, FOR THE NEXT STATE
OF THE UNION SPEECH,Copy !req
101. THE VICE PRESIDENT AND
THE SPEAKER OF THE HOUSECopy !req
102. ASKED IF THEY COULD SIT
IN "FRONT" OF THE PRESIDENT!Copy !req
103. EVEN TO LIGHT POLITICAL
SONG PARODIESCopy !req
104. PERFORMED IN A DINNER
THEATER ENVIRONMENT.Copy !req
105. AMERICA IS SIMPLY
ENTHRALLED BY THIS ISSUE.Copy !req
106. AVIANA?Copy !req
107. WE UNDERSTAND THAT
THE PRESIDENT HIMSELFCopy !req
108. IS GOING TO ADDRESS
THE NATION.Copy !req
109. LET'S GO NOW
TO THE WHITE HOUSE.Copy !req
110. MY FELLOW AMERICANS,Copy !req
111. TONIGHT, I AM PREPARED
TO ACCEPT FULL RESPONSIBILITYCopy !req
112. FOR MY ACTIONS.Copy !req
113. ONE WEEK AGO,
MARTI PHARTI THREW A PARTYCopy !req
114. AND EVERYONE WAS THERE.Copy !req
115. I, TWO-T FRUITTI,
LET A BEAUTY,Copy !req
116. AND EVERYONE
WENT OUT FOR AIR.Copy !req
117. NOW IT IS TIME TO
STOP THE ATTACKS,Copy !req
118. THE FINGER POINTING,
THE GIGGLING.Copy !req
119. FOR NOW THIS MATTER
SHOULD BE BETWEEN ME,Copy !req
120. MY WIFE, MY PANTS,
AND OUR GOD.Copy !req
121. THANK YOU.Copy !req
122. WE GO NOW TO CHILDREN
AROUND THE WORLD,Copy !req
123. FOR REACTION TO
THE PRESIDENT'S SPEECH.Copy !req
124. HE FARTED!
HE FARTED!Copy !req
125. HE FARTED!
HE FARTED!Copy !req
126. ( farting noises )Copy !req
127. STOP IT, STOP IT,
YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO LAUGH.Copy !req
128. OH, THESE PARTIES CAN
BE SO VERY TEDIOUS.Copy !req
129. SAY, YOU'RE NEW
HERE, AREN'T YOU?Copy !req
130. YES, YOUR MAJESTY.Copy !req
131. ANNOUNCE TO MY GUESTS THAT
I'M READY TO GREET THEM.Copy !req
132. OH YES, YOUR MAJESTY.Copy !req
133. IF YOU WILL,
THE EARL OF TWIXWORTH.Copy !req
134. GOOD EVENING,
YOUR MAJESTY.Copy !req
135. IF I MAY, YOU'RE
LOOKING AS SPLENDIDCopy !req
136. AS A PAINTED
PICTURE.Copy !req
137. OH, MY.Copy !req
138. SAY, EARL,
I HAVE AN IDEA.Copy !req
139. IN A MOMENT,
I WILL ANNOUNCE THAT I'VE GROWN TIREDCopy !req
140. AND WISH TO GO TO SLEEP.
EVERYONE WILL LEAVE, BUT YOU STAY BEHINDCopy !req
141. SO THAT WE CAN
CATCH UP ON OLD TIMES.Copy !req
142. WHAT A WICKEDLY
DELIGHTFUL IDEA.Copy !req
143. DON'T TELL ANYONE.Copy !req
144. ( Guard )
LORD AND LADY PUMMEL!Copy !req
145. HOW VERY...Copy !req
146. IT'S QUITE AN HONOR.
HELLO, YOUR MAJESTY.Copy !req
147. LORD AND LADY,
COME HITHER.Copy !req
148. IN A MOMENT, I'M GOING
TO ANNOUNCE THAT I'M TIREDCopy !req
149. AND WISH TO GO SLEEP.
EVERYONE WILL LEAVE,Copy !req
150. BUT YOU TWO REMAIN,
SO WE CAN CRACK-OFF.Copy !req
151. WITH PLEASURE.Copy !req
152. DON'T TELL ANYONE.Copy !req
153. ( Guard )
THE LORD MAYOR OF FLAVISHAM.Copy !req
154. MY HONOR TAKES—Copy !req
155. OKAY, ENOUGH OF
THE FLOATIES.Copy !req
156. I'M GOING TO SAY I'M TIRED,
EVERYONE WILL LEAVE, YOU STAY.Copy !req
157. UNCONDITIONALLY,
YOUR MAJESTY.Copy !req
158. DON'T TELL ANYBODY.
COUNT PLEASANTON!Copy !req
159. YOUR MOST
GLORIOUS MAJESTY.Copy !req
160. WHEN I THINK
ON TIMES—Copy !req
161. OKAY, ENOUGH, ENOUGH,
COUNT, I HAVE AN IDEA.Copy !req
162. IN A MOMENT I'M GOING
TO DECREE MYSELF BEDROUSEDCopy !req
163. AND ASK ALL TO
AFFORD ME THEIR LEAVE.Copy !req
164. BUT YOU TARRY,
SO THAT THE TWAIN OF US MAY BANDY TITHERINGS.Copy !req
165. AH, YOU WISH ME TO WAFFLE
ABOUT AND WE SHALL HAVE A PRIVATE FOLLY, EH?Copy !req
166. WELL, AND SO, YES.
DON'T TELL ANYONE.Copy !req
167. GUARD?Copy !req
168. YES, YOUR MAJESTY?Copy !req
169. WOULD YOU ANNOUNCE THAT
I'M AFRAID I'M TIREDCopy !req
170. AND WISH TO GO
TO SLEEP NOW?Copy !req
171. YES, BUT THE PARTY'S
JUST BEGUN.Copy !req
172. GUARD, DO IT!Copy !req
173. YES, YOUR MAJESTY!Copy !req
174. UH, HER MAJESTY WOULD
LIKE TO ANNOUNCECopy !req
175. THAT SHE HAS GROWN TIRED,
AND WOULD LIKE TO GO TO SLEEP,Copy !req
176. AND SHE BIDS YOU ALL
A FOND GOODBYE.Copy !req
177. GOODBYE,
GOODBYE...Copy !req
178. ( murmuring goodbyes )Copy !req
179. GUARD!Copy !req
180. HER MAJESTY HAS WISHED
YOU ALL GOODBYE!Copy !req
181. WILL YOU PLEASE
GATHER YOUR COATS FROM THE CLOAKERY.Copy !req
182. OH, THE CLOAKERY,
ABSOLUTELY!Copy !req
183. THE CLOAKERY
IS RIGHT OVER HERECopy !req
184. IN CASE YOU'VE
FORGOTTEN.Copy !req
185. PLEASE.Copy !req
186. YES, LET US ALL
MAKE OUR WAY TO THE CLOAKERY!Copy !req
187. YES, PLEASE!Copy !req
188. LET US PROCEED
TO THE CLOAKERY.Copy !req
189. PLEASE.Copy !req
190. THANK YOU.Copy !req
191. GUARD, ARE YOU ON THE WORLD'S
LONGEST COFFEE BREAK?Copy !req
192. NO.
GET RID OF THEM!Copy !req
193. OF COURSE, I WILL.Copy !req
194. A GOODNIGHT
TO YOU ALL.Copy !req
195. YES, AND GOODBYE.Copy !req
196. ALL OF US, AND
NONE SHALL TARRY.Copy !req
197. EXCELLENT.Copy !req
198. OH GOODNESS,
MY POCKET PENCE.Copy !req
199. GOODNIGHT!Copy !req
200. NO, NO, PLEASE,
IT'S POISONOUS.Copy !req
201. ONLY I HAVE
THE ANTIDOTE.Copy !req
202. ( Guard )
PLEASE, RUN ALONG!Copy !req
203. I'LL MAIL THE
REST TO YOU.Copy !req
204. YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO
BE RICH, AREN'T YOU?Copy !req
205. WHAT DO YOU CARE
ABOUT A FEW PENNIES?Copy !req
206. WHAT WAS THAT YOU SAID,
YOUR MAJESTY?Copy !req
207. SHE SAID
NOTHING!Copy !req
208. OH, BUT I THOUGHT
THAT I HEARD—Copy !req
209. YOU HEARD NOTHING!Copy !req
210. THAT IS WHAT
I MEANT.Copy !req
211. FOR WHEN I HEARD NOTHING,
I BECAME FRIGHTENED.Copy !req
212. I THOUGHT MAYBE
SHE'D DIED.Copy !req
213. ( gasping )Copy !req
214. HER MAJESTY IS
QUITE ALIVECopy !req
215. AND VIGOROUSLY WAVING
GOODBYE TO YOU!Copy !req
216. OH THEN, GOOD.Copy !req
217. PLEASE! ALL OF YOU!Copy !req
218. ALL TOGETHER IN A GROUP,
LEAVE THE ROOM!Copy !req
219. WAIT, WAIT, WAIT,
WHERE'S THE LORD MAYOR?Copy !req
220. YES!
YES!Copy !req
221. OUT!Copy !req
222. I'M SORRY.Copy !req
223. OUT, OUT!Copy !req
224. YOU, FAT ONE!Copy !req
225. YOUR MAJESTY, IT IS
THE GREATEST SORROW WITH WHICH—Copy !req
226. YOU'RE NOT A
VERY GOOD GUARD.Copy !req
227. NO, NOT TONIGHT
I'M NOT.Copy !req
228. BUT ON OTHER NIGHTS—Copy !req
229. WHY ARE
YOU HERE!Copy !req
230. WHY IS HE HERE?Copy !req
231. WELL, I'VE, LEFT
SOMETHING BEHIND.Copy !req
232. WHAT, WHAT DID YOU
LEAVE BEHIND?Copy !req
233. WELL, IT WAS SMALL AND...Copy !req
234. I THOUGHT THEY
WOULD NEVER—Copy !req
235. WHY ARE YOU
TWO HERE?Copy !req
236. WE WANTED TO
LEAVE AGAIN.Copy !req
237. YES!Copy !req
238. WE HAD SO MUCH FUN
LEAVING THE FIRST TIME. WE THOUGHT WE'D—Copy !req
239. THOSE IDIOTS...
HELLO, WHAT'S THIS?Copy !req
240. WHY HAVE
YOU RETURNED?Copy !req
241. I'VE SPRAINED
ALL MY ANKLES.Copy !req
242. HOW?Copy !req
243. I'M RETURNED!Copy !req
244. WHY WON'T YOU ALL LEAVE
THE QUEEN IN PEACE?Copy !req
245. ( arguing )Copy !req
246. WAIT A SECOND!Copy !req
247. WHERE IS THE QUEEN?Copy !req
248. SHE'S RIGHT HERE,
GUARD. SHE...Copy !req
249. THE QUEEN'S
ESCAPED!Copy !req
250. THAT BITCH!Copy !req
251. OKAY, SO THAT'S
ONE QUEEN SIDECARCopy !req
252. AND ONE HER MAJESTY'S
SECRET DAIQUIRI?Copy !req
253. YEAH, THAT'S GREAT.Copy !req
254. HEY, MAN,
WHAT THE FUCK!Copy !req
255. WHAT THE FUCK
IS YOUR PROBLEM?Copy !req
256. WATCH WHERE YOU'RE
GOIN', ASSHOLE!Copy !req
257. HEY, JUST DON'T
TOUCH ME!Copy !req
258. COME ON, LARRY,
LEAVE IT ALONE.Copy !req
259. THIS GUY FUCKIN'
PUSHED ME.Copy !req
260. YOU'LL KNOW
IF I PUSH YOU.Copy !req
261. OH YEAH?
YOU WANNA STEP OUTSIDE?Copy !req
262. JUST IGNORE
HIM, TOM.Copy !req
263. I AIN'T
IGNORIN' SHIT.Copy !req
264. COME ON,
LET'S GO!Copy !req
265. YEAH, RUN AWAY,
CHICKENSHIT!Copy !req
266. FUCKIN' GUYS!Copy !req
267. I AIN'T RUNNIN' ! I'LL STAY
ON YOUR FUCKIN' ASS ALL FUCKIN' NIGHT!Copy !req
268. HEY, I'M IN IT
FOR THE LONG HAUL!Copy !req
269. I'LL MARRY
YOUR STUPID ASS!Copy !req
270. OH, YEAH! 'TIL DEATH
DO US PART, ASSHOLE!Copy !req
271. I FUCKIN' DO!Copy !req
272. I, LARRY BRANSON,Copy !req
273. PROMISE THAT I WILL
NOT CHICKENSHIT OUTCopy !req
274. UNTIL YOU ADMIT
THAT YOU'RE A PUSSY!Copy !req
275. OR 'TIL ONE
OF US DIES!Copy !req
276. THE RING,
PLEASE.Copy !req
277. YEAH!Copy !req
278. COME ON!
COME ON!Copy !req
279. LET'S GO!
COME ON!Copy !req
280. FUCKIN' GUYS!Copy !req
281. YEAH, READ IT AND
WEEP, ASSHOLE!Copy !req
282. HERE'S YOUR FUCKIN'
LEMONADE, ASSHOLE! YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT!Copy !req
283. COME ON, MARY!
COME ON!Copy !req
284. RIGHT HERE, MAN!
YEAH, RIGHT HERE.Copy !req
285. I AIN'T GOING NOWHERE.
DRINK IT UP!Copy !req
286. YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT!Copy !req
287. I GOT IT, MAN,
I GOT IT RIGHT HERE!Copy !req
288. ( grunting )Copy !req
289. JEEZ, ALL THESE
FUCKIN' RECEIPTS.Copy !req
290. AH, QUIT YOUR
BITCHIN', ALL RIGHT?Copy !req
291. HEY, WHAT'S THIS?Copy !req
292. THAT'S FOR THAT SWEATER
I GOT YOU LAST YEARCopy !req
293. FOR YOUR DUMB-ASS
BIRTHDAY.Copy !req
294. YOU SAID YOU FUCKIN'
MADE IT YOURSELF!Copy !req
295. NO, I NEVER SAID...Copy !req
296. YOU FUCKIN'
LIED TO ME!Copy !req
297. NO!Copy !req
298. WELL, MAYBE OUR WEDDING
VOWS WERE A LIE, TOO!Copy !req
299. CHICKENSHIT!Copy !req
300. COME BACK!Copy !req
301. WHAT THE FUCK?Copy !req
302. YOU WANT TO
START SOMETHING?Copy !req
303. NO.Copy !req
304. DON'T WORRY, SWEETIE,
HE'LL COME BACK.Copy !req
305. YOU TWO WERE MADE
FOR EACH OTHER.Copy !req
306. IT'S EASIER
FOR HIM.Copy !req
307. WHAT IF I HAVE TO
FIND SOMEBODY ELSE?Copy !req
308. I DON'T THINK YOU'RE GOING
TO HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT THAT.Copy !req
309. I'M SORRY,Copy !req
310. I SHOULDN'T
HAVE LIED.Copy !req
311. IT WAS MY FAULT.Copy !req
312. I, YOU KNOW,
I OVER-REACTED.Copy !req
313. DO YOU WANT,
TO GET BACK TOGETHER?Copy !req
314. YEAH.Copy !req
315. ALL RIGHT,
CHICKENSHIT!Copy !req
316. IT'S ON,
ASSHOLE!Copy !req
317. YOU'RE
A CHICKENSHIT!Copy !req
318. YOU'RE A PUSSY,
YOU WIMP!Copy !req
319. OH, YEAH?Copy !req
320. YOU WANNA MAKE
SOMETHING OF IT?Copy !req
321. MAYBE I DO!Copy !req
322. MAYBE I...Copy !req
323. ( heart monitor beeping )Copy !req
324. I'M SORRY,
HE'S GONE.Copy !req
325. I GUESS HE WASN'T SUCH
A CHICKENSHIT AFTER ALL.Copy !req
326. AH, WELL.Copy !req
327. BARTENDER!Copy !req
328. OH, MY LIFE.Copy !req
329. ( techno music playing )Copy !req
330. ( crowd yelling )
ST. PETER!Copy !req
331. OH, ST. PETER!Copy !req
332. ( crowd yelling )
GOD, GOD, GOD!Copy !req
333. SAY, PETERCopy !req
334. COME ON OVER HERE.Copy !req
335. DO ME A FAVOR.Copy !req
336. THERE'S A PLANE GOING
DOWN IN THE ANDES,Copy !req
337. A BRAZILIAN
BIKINI TEAM.Copy !req
338. LET 'EM IN,
V.I.P. LOUNGE, THE WHOLE SHOT.Copy !req
339. I'M GONNA GO DOWN TO
EARTH FOR A FEW SECONDS. MAKE SOME MAGIC.Copy !req
340. CHECK, CHECK, CHECK.Copy !req
341. HEY, GOD, HEY.Copy !req
342. HOW'S IT GOING, KID?Copy !req
343. GOOD.Copy !req
344. I GOT THE LEVELS SET,
WE'RE ALL SET. YOU WANNA GO?Copy !req
345. GREAT, I'M
ALL SET, TOO.Copy !req
346. OKAY, GREAT.Copy !req
347. SO, SLATE YOURSELF
AND THEN WE'LL START WITH THE PREFACE, OKAY?Copy !req
348. YOU GOT IT, KID.Copy !req
349. ALRIGHT, HERE WE GO.
BOOK ON TAPE RECORDING.Copy !req
350. MY LIFE IN
THE FAST LANE,Copy !req
351. GOD'S AUTOBIOGRAPHY
AS READ BY ME, GOD.Copy !req
352. ALL SEEING? YEAH.Copy !req
353. ALL KNOWING?
YEAH, BUT I'M NOT MR. KNOW-IT-ALL.Copy !req
354. PERFECT IN EVERY WAY?Copy !req
355. NOT BY A LONG SHOT.Copy !req
356. HAVE I DONE SOME THINGS
THAT I'M PROUD OF?Copy !req
357. WELL, ONE
THING, MY SON.Copy !req
358. JESUS, YOU'RE TOPS
AND YOU TEACH ME NEW THINGS EVERY DAY.Copy !req
359. THIS IS FOR YOU, KID.Copy !req
360. NOW YOU'RE GONNA
LEARN A LITTLE BIT MORECopy !req
361. ABOUT YOUR OLD MAN THAN
YOU WANTED TO KNOW.Copy !req
362. TO THE READER WHO WONDERS,
ISN'T THERE A BOOK ABOUT GOD ALREADY?Copy !req
363. YEAH, YOU CALL IT THE BIBLE,
I CALL IT, TOO MANY COOKS.Copy !req
364. SURE, THE NAMES AND
DATES ARE THERE,Copy !req
365. BUT NOBODY CAUGHT
THE ATTITUDE, THE SWAGGER,Copy !req
366. THE LITTLE KID WONDER,Copy !req
367. BASKING IN PRAISE
IN THE RED SEA ONE MINUTE,Copy !req
368. AND THEN VOMITING IN
A JOHN NEXT TO MICK JAGGARCopy !req
369. AT STUDIO 54 THE NEXT.Copy !req
370. OH, MAN, WHAT A LIFE,
WHAT A RIOT IT'S BEEN.Copy !req
371. TRUTH BE TOLD,Copy !req
372. I REALLY HAVE
ONLY ONE COMMANDMENT,Copy !req
373. SUNDAY'S ARE MY DAY.Copy !req
374. THAT MEANS, NO PRAYERS,
NO CALLS, FAX, NO NOTHING.Copy !req
375. JUMP TO JANUARY 13, 1974.
I'M IN THE BEACH HOUSE ON CONTEMPO DRIVECopy !req
376. IN MY JACUZZI
TAKING A SCHVITZ.Copy !req
377. SUDDENLY, I FEEL AN OLD PAIN
IN THE BACK OF MY NECK.Copy !req
378. OH, MAN,
SOMEONE'S PRAYING.Copy !req
379. "HEY GOD, IT'S ME."
I RECOGNIZE THE VOICE INSTANTLY.Copy !req
380. IT'S TERRY BRADSHAW,
PITTSBURGH STEELER'S QUARTERBACK,Copy !req
381. FOUR-TIME WORLD CHAMP
AND FUTURE HALL-OF-FAMER.Copy !req
382. "IT'S THE SUPERBOWL,Copy !req
383. WE'RE DOWN SIX POINTS,
YOU GOTTA HELP ME MAKE THIS PASS."Copy !req
384. BOOM, I GO
SHIT-HOUSE ON HIM.Copy !req
385. "I DON'T GOTTA DO
ANYTHING, TERRY.Copy !req
386. "YOU ARE ONE PUSSY HAIR
AWAY FROM ETERNAL HELLFIRE MY FRIEND."Copy !req
387. I CUT HIM OFF,
GOT BACK TO MY SCHVITZ.Copy !req
388. THE BALLS
ON THAT GUY.Copy !req
389. DID I HELP HIM?
HELL NO, A RULE IS A RULE IS A RULE,Copy !req
390. UNLESS YOU'RE
A WOMAN.Copy !req
391. DID HE MAKE THE PASS?Copy !req
392. YOU KNOW IT.Copy !req
393. TERRY'S JUST THAT GOOD.Copy !req
394. HEY, IF HE THINKS I HAD
ANYTHING TO DO WITH IT,Copy !req
395. SO BE IT,
I'M NOT TELLIN'.Copy !req
396. YEP, IF I'VE EVER
KNOWN PERFECTION IN THIS ETERNAL LIFE,Copy !req
397. IT WAS AS A
PERFECT JACKASS.Copy !req
398. AM I PROUD OF WHAT
I'VE ACCOMPLISHED? WELL, SOME OF IT.Copy !req
399. WAS I RIGHT WHEN I THOUGHT
I COULD DO IT ALL BY MYSELF,Copy !req
400. OOH, MAN, I WAS
WORSE THAN RIGHT.Copy !req
401. I WAS WRONG.Copy !req
402. BUT, WHAT
A RIDE IT'S BEEN.Copy !req
403. WHAT A RIDE.Copy !req
404. HOW'S THAT KID?
GREAT, WE GOT IT.Copy !req
405. ALL RIGHT, I GOT A PARTY AT
MICKEY STEIN'S TO GO TO.Copy !req
406. TAKE IT EASY, I'LL CATCH
YOU ON THE FLIP-FLOP.Copy !req
407. ( angelic chanting )Copy !req
408. ( narrator )
THE UNEXPLAINED,Copy !req
409. THE INEXPLICABLE,Copy !req
410. THE HARD TO CONVEY.Copy !req
411. SINCE THE DAWN OF TIME,
MEN HAVE WONDERED:Copy !req
412. DO MYSTERIES
REALLY EXIST?Copy !req
413. SOME SAY MAYBE,
OTHERS AREN'T SO SURE.Copy !req
414. TONIGHT'S ENIGMA,Copy !req
415. MONSTER PARTIES,
PROVED SO UPSETTINGCopy !req
416. MOST EXPERTS REFUSE
TO SPEAK WITH US.Copy !req
417. ALL BUT ONE.Copy !req
418. WELL, IT'S CERTAINLY AN
INTRIGUING QUESTION.Copy !req
419. WE TALKED TO A DOCTORCopy !req
420. WHO WAS WILLING TO
SHARE HIS EXPERIENCE.Copy !req
421. I'D SAY THE
FIRST RECORDCopy !req
422. THAT EVER REALLY
COVERED THAT TOPICCopy !req
423. WAS HALLOWEEN SHINDIGCopy !req
424. BY ED TWILLEY
AND THE CREEPERS.Copy !req
425. IN 1978, THERE WAS
MONSTER DISCO BALL!Copy !req
426. THERE'S THE GOOFY TUNESCopy !req
427. WITH THE WOLFMAN'S
WEDDING RECEPTION.Copy !req
428. IT GETS TWO SQUEAKS
BECAUSE IT'S THE FUNNIEST ONE OF ALL.Copy !req
429. ( narrator )
DRACULA, THE WOLFMAN, THE MUMMY,Copy !req
430. WOULD THESE MONSTERS
EVER ASSEMBLE AS A GROUPCopy !req
431. IN A PARTY SETTING,
TO DANCE,Copy !req
432. OR EAT AND DRINK TOGETHER?Copy !req
433. WHILE SKEPTICS
DECLARE IT IMPOSSIBLE,Copy !req
434. NOVELTY SONGS SEEM TO
SUGGEST QUITE THE OPPOSITE.Copy !req
435. COULD ALL THESE SONGS
POSSIBLY BE WRONG?Copy !req
436. IT WOULD PROBABLY BE HELD
IN A MANSION, OR A CRYPT,Copy !req
437. OR A CEMETERY,
INDOORS OR—Copy !req
438. MOTHER!Copy !req
439. IT'S AT NIGHT,
MAYBE IN A SWAMP.Copy !req
440. THE MOST RECENT
EXAMPLE IS THIS ONECopy !req
441. BY JERKIN' JAMES WHITCROFT:Copy !req
442. DRACULA'S PAJAMA PARTY.Copy !req
443. WELL, THIS IS
PREPOSTEROUS.Copy !req
444. MONSTERS, GETTING
TOGETHER TO CELEBRATE?Copy !req
445. I MEAN, THINK ABOUT
HOW THAT SOUNDS. IT'S RIDICULOUS.Copy !req
446. I MEAN,Copy !req
447. THEY GET TOGETHER,Copy !req
448. IT'S GONNA BE
A TERRIFYING BATTLE.Copy !req
449. THEY'RE NOT GONNA
GET ALONG, MUCH LESS A BASH OF SOME KIND.Copy !req
450. NO, NO.Copy !req
451. I WROTE DRACULA'S
PAJAMA PARTYCopy !req
452. TO HELP ME DEAL
WITH THE PAIN AND FEAR I HAD.Copy !req
453. IT HAPPENED,
IT HAPPENED TO ME!Copy !req
454. ( narrator )
JAMES WHITCROFT'S LIFECopy !req
455. HAD FOREVER BEEN CHANGED
BY WHAT HE COULD ONLY DESCRIBE AS A—Copy !req
456. I GOT THE SCARS
TO PROVE IT.Copy !req
457. I GAINED WEIGHT FROM
THE CAKE THEY SERVED,Copy !req
458. I STILL HAVE
A PARTY FAVOR.Copy !req
459. EVERYTHING I WROTE ABOUTCopy !req
460. IN DRACULA'S PAJAMA PARTY,
I EXPERIENCED.Copy !req
461. THE PLASMA PIZZA,Copy !req
462. THE BLOOD BALLOON RACE,Copy !req
463. UH...Copy !req
464. UH...Copy !req
465. THE BOBBING
FOR BRAINS.Copy !req
466. UH...Copy !req
467. UH...Copy !req
468. UH...Copy !req
469. UH...Copy !req
470. ( MacPhearson )
NOPE, NO, NO.Copy !req
471. IF YOU WERE TO ASK ME
IF A BUNCH OF DRACULASCopy !req
472. MIGHT GET TOGETHER,
OR A BUNCH OF WOLFMANS,Copy !req
473. THEN, YES, THEY PROBABLY
DO HAVE VERY GOOD PARTIES.Copy !req
474. WE'LL NEVER KNOW.Copy !req
475. HOWEVER, WE CAN
WRITE POEMS ABOUT IT.Copy !req
476. ( narrator )
KNOWING AND ACCEPTING THE RISK INVOLVEDCopy !req
477. BY RE-LIVING HIS
HORRIFYING NIGHT,Copy !req
478. JAMES WHITCROFT AGREED
TO BE HYPNOTIZEDCopy !req
479. AND TRAVELED OVER
15 MILES PER HOURCopy !req
480. FOR ONE-QUARTER OF AN HOUR,Copy !req
481. TO VISIT PROFESSIONAL
PARTY MAGICIAN, TISH POMFRITZ.Copy !req
482. DO YOU KNOW HOW
FAR HE TRAVELED?Copy !req
483. ANSWER AT THE END
OF THE SHOW.Copy !req
484. YOU ARE NOW
OFFICIALLY HYPNOTIZED,Copy !req
485. IN THE STATE
OF RHODE ISLAND.Copy !req
486. NOW, TELL ME WHAT
HAPPENED, JAMES.Copy !req
487. I'M IN THE CEMETERY.Copy !req
488. AND...Copy !req
489. I HEAR A NOISE.Copy !req
490. WHERE IS THE NOISE
COMING FROM, JAMES?Copy !req
491. IT'S COMING FROM
BEHIND A TOMBSTONE.Copy !req
492. SOUNDS LIKE A BASH,Copy !req
493. OR A MASH!Copy !req
494. NOW, THERE'S PEOPLE
HAVING A PARTY.Copy !req
495. THERE'S CAKE,Copy !req
496. AND A KEG OF BEER.Copy !req
497. THEY'RE NOT PEOPLE!Copy !req
498. THEY'RE MONSTERS!Copy !req
499. THE MUMMY IS DRUNK
AND HE LOVES THE FUNK,Copy !req
500. AND THE WEREWOLF
IS DANCING WITH FRANKENSTEIN'S BRIDE.Copy !req
501. AND FRANKIE GOT MAD,
HE NEARLY RE-DIED.Copy !req
502. IT'S HORRIBLE!
IT'S HORRIBLE!Copy !req
503. WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN
THE GRAVEYARD, JAMES?Copy !req
504. I JUST WANNA
DIG UP A CORPSECopy !req
505. AND HAVE SEXUAL
RELATIONS WITH IT!Copy !req
506. These monsters!Copy !req
507. WAKE UP!Copy !req
508. ACCORDING TO THE MACHINE,
HE'S TELLING THE TRUTH,Copy !req
509. EXCEPT FOR THE PART ABOUT
THE MONSTER PARTY.Copy !req
510. BUT YES, HIS NAME
IS JAMES WHITCROFT,Copy !req
511. AND HE WANTS TO HAVE
SEX WITH A CORPSE.Copy !req
512. ( narrator )
DESPITE THIS INCONTROVERTIBLE PROOF,Copy !req
513. SOME REMAIN SKEPTICAL.Copy !req
514. WHAT?Copy !req
515. THESE ARE NOVELTY SONGS,
THEY'RE NOT REAL.Copy !req
516. WHAT ARE YOU
TALKING ABOUT?Copy !req
517. ( Whitcroft )
I DIDN'T WRITE THIS SONGCopy !req
518. SO THAT IT WOULD BE TAKEN
AS SOME SORT OF JOKE,Copy !req
519. OR PARTY ANTHEM.Copy !req
520. I'M JUST TRYING TO
UNDERSTAND MY LIFECopy !req
521. THROUGH MUSIC.Copy !req
522. ( narrator )
DESPITE HIS TRAUMA,Copy !req
523. JAMES WASHES
A SET OF CLOTHESCopy !req
524. AND PREPARES
TO TAKE THE STAGE AT A LOCAL TALENT VENUE,Copy !req
525. TO SEE IF HIS HYPNOTIC
ORDEAL MAY HAVE FREED HIMCopy !req
526. OF THE BURDEN OF HIS
TRAUMATIC MEMORIES.Copy !req
527. IT'S FOR ME.Copy !req
528. HE HIRES A CABBIE,Copy !req
529. AND ATTEMPTS TO PRESENT
HIS TERRIBLE MEMORY TO A GROUP OF STRANGERS.Copy !req
530. BUT HE IS EARLY,Copy !req
531. AND SO, MUST WAITCopy !req
532. UNTIL THE DOORSCopy !req
533. OPEN.Copy !req
534. I WANT YOU TO GIVE
A BIG HOT COFFEE HUNT WELCOMECopy !req
535. TO JAMES WHITCROFT,
COME ON...Copy !req
536. COME ON,
COME ON GUYS.Copy !req
537. JAMES, GOOD LUCK.Copy !req
538. THANKS, EVERYBODY.Copy !req
539. I WANT TO
SING A SONGCopy !req
540. THAT I WROTE A COUPLE
OF YEARS AGOCopy !req
541. ABOUT SOMETHING
THAT HAPPENED TO ME.Copy !req
542. OKAY, HERE IT GOES.Copy !req
543. AND THE WOLFMAN!Copy !req
544. ( stammering )Copy !req
545. ARE YOU OKAY?Copy !req
546. GET AWAY FROM ME!Copy !req
547. ( Whitcroft screaming )Copy !req
548. THEY'RE MONSTERS!Copy !req