Mr. Show with Bob and David 4x7

1. hey america,

2. It's time to hash things out with bob and david.

3. Thank you.

4. All right, thank you.

5. The mr. Show water cooler is an unrehearsed,

6. Unscripted, political jam session,

7. Featuring absolutely no experts.

8. Just four regular celebrities,

9. Sitting around, hashing things out,

10. And uh, one water cooler, for when things get hot,

11. Or dry.

12. Okay, let's introduce tonight's guests.

13. From porno,

14. Xona chiffon.

15. Hey, baby.

16. Thank you, xona.

17. And from the world of skydiving,

18. Keith minders.

19. Well, let's get started.

20. The top story of the week.

21. Uh, I think I know it.

22. Umm, okay,

23. I was watching a comedian's monologue

24. On tv last night,

25. And, did you know that there was some senator,

26. Who had surgery to have the nra's lips

27. Removed from his ass?

28. Right, right, right.

29. And who's gotta pay for that surgery, huh?

30. The american people!

31. The other night, I saw a stand-Up comic,

32. And he informed me that if congress is gonna

33. Continue spending his money,

34. The way his girlfriend does,

35. Then they too should give him blow jobs.

36. Okay, views? Counter-Comments?

37. Well, I'll tell 'ya, this is an intriguing proposal.

38. But it raises the issue:

39. And how many do people want?

40. And then what are they actually worth?

41. Keith, you haven't said much over there.

42. These aren't real issues.

43. They're jokes about the news.

44. Hold on there, einstein.

45. Somebody reads the paper!

46. Audience, what does that mean it's time for?

47. Smarty pants!

48. That's right,

49. You have to step in to the smarty pants.

50. Charles, what's inside the smarty pants today?

51. Rich and creamy vanilla custard.

52. Just like grandma used to eat.

53. Alright, smarty pants,

54. Smarty pants, smarty pants.

55. All right!

56. And you are hereby sentenced

57. To watch the all-News channel for the rest of the show.

58. And meanwhile,

59. To see how much money we can win.

60. The top stories from around the globe.

61. Good evening.

62. In yangon, mayanma,

63. A monsoon leaves thousands homeless and disease-Ridden.

64. The japanese government de-Values the yen,

65. Triggering massive layoffs,

66. And in america,

67. The president has allegedly farted.

68. For are-Cap of events,

69. Let's go to lance jordan of the bbc

70. At the white house, lance.

71. Aviana, it all began last week

72. When dominican republic ambassador, martif pharti,

73. Threw a party.

74. The ambassador had a long guest list,

75. Simply everyone was there.

76. In the midst of the revelry,

77. The foul odor of human flatulence materialized,

78. And its source seemed to be

79. Known to his friends as "tru", or "truitty",

80. Or "two t" for the two t's in his full name.

81. American reports have sarcastically characterized

82. The alleged emission as "a beauty".

83. Despite the president's quick and adamant denial,

84. The fart has captured the outrage and imagination

85. Of an entire nation.

86. Capitalizing conversation in daily life,

87. On late-Night chat shows...

88. You know, for the next state of the union speech,

89. The vice president and the speaker of the house

90. Asked if they could sit in "front" of the president!

91. Even to light political song parodies

92. Performed in a dinner theater environment.

93. America is simply enthralled by this issue.

94. Aviana?

95. We understand that the president himself

96. Is going to address the nation.

97. Let's go now to the white house.

98. My fellow americans,

99. Tonight, I am prepared to accept full responsibility

100. For my actions.

101. And everyone was there.

102. I, two-T fruitti, let a beauty,

103. And everyone went out for air.

104. Now it is time to stop the attacks,

105. The finger pointing, the giggling.

106. For now this matter should be between me,

107. My wife, my pants, and our god.

108. Thank you.

109. We go now to children around the world,

110. For reaction to the president's speech.

111. He farted! He farted!

112. He farted! He farted!

113. Oh, these parties can be so very tedious.

114. Say, you're new here, aren't you?

115. Yes, your majesty.

116. Announce to my guests that I'm ready to greet them.

117. Oh yes, your majesty.

118. If you will, the earl of twixworth.

119. Good evening, your majesty.

120. If I may, you're looking as splendid

121. As a painted picture.

122. Oh, my.

123. Say, earl, I have an idea.

124. So that we can catch up on old times.

125. What a wickedly delightful idea.

126. Don't tell anyone.

127. lord and lady pummel!

128. How very...

129. It's quite an honor. Hello, your majesty.

130. Lord and lady, come hither.

131. In a moment, I'm going to announce that I'm tired

132. And wish to go sleep. Everyone will leave,

133. But you two remain, so we can crack-Off.

134. With pleasure.

135. Don't tell anyone.

136. My honor takes—

137. Okay, enough of the floaties.

138. I'm going to say I'm tired, everyone will leave, you stay.

139. Unconditionally, your majesty.

140. Don't tell anybody. Count pleasanton!

141. Your most glorious majesty.

142. When I think on times—

143. Okay, enough, enough, count, I have an idea.

144. In a moment I'm going to decree myself bedroused

145. And ask all to afford me their leave.

146. Well, and so, yes. Don't tell anyone.

147. Guard?

148. Yes, your majesty?

149. Would you announce that I'm afraid I'm tired

150. And wish to go to sleep now?

151. Yes, but the party's just begun.

152. Guard, do it!

153. Yes, your majesty!

154. Uh, her majesty would like to announce

155. That she has grown tired, and would like to go to sleep,

156. And she bids you all a fond goodbye.

157. Goodbye, goodbye...

158. Guard!

159. Her majesty has wished you all goodbye!

160. Oh, the cloakery, absolutely!

161. The cloakery is right over here

162. In case you've forgotten.

163. Please.

164. Yes, please!

165. Let us proceed to the cloakery.

166. Please.

167. Thank you.

168. Guard, are you on the world's longest coffee break?

169. No. Get rid of them!

170. Of course, I will.

171. A goodnight to you all.

172. Yes, and goodbye.

173. All of us, and none shall tarry.

174. Excellent.

175. Oh goodness, my pocket pence.

176. Goodnight!

177. No, no, please, it's poisonous.

178. Only I have the antidote.

179. please, run along!

180. I'll mail the rest to you.

181. You're supposed to be rich, aren't you?

182. What do you care about a few pennies?

183. What was that you said, your majesty?

184. She said nothing!

185. Oh, but I thought that I heard—

186. You heard nothing!

187. That is what I meant.

188. For when I heard nothing, I became frightened.

189. I thought maybe she'd died.

190. Her majesty is quite alive

191. And vigorously waving goodbye to you!

192. Oh then, good.

193. Please! All of you!

194. All together in a group, leave the room!

195. Wait, wait, wait, where's the lord mayor?

196. Yes! Yes!

197. Out!

198. I'm sorry.

199. Out, out!

200. You, fat one!

201. You're not a very good guard.

202. No, not tonight I'm not.

203. But on other nights—

204. Why are you here!

205. Why is he here?

206. Well, I've, left something behind.

207. What, what did you leave behind?

208. Well, it was small and...

209. I thought they would never—

210. Why are you two here?

211. We wanted to leave again.

212. Yes!

213. Those idiots... hello, what's this?

214. Why have you returned?

215. I've sprained all my ankles.

216. How?

217. I'm returned!

218. Why won't you all leave the queen in peace?

219. Wait a second!

220. Where is the queen?

221. She's right here, guard. She...

222. The queen's escaped!

223. That bitch!

224. Okay, so that's one queen sidecar

225. And one her majesty's secret daiquiri?

226. Yeah, that's great.

227. Hey, man, what the fuck!

228. What the fuck is your problem?

229. Watch where you're goin', asshole!

230. Hey, just don't touch me!

231. Come on, larry, leave it alone.

232. This guy fuckin' pushed me.

233. You'll know if I push you.

234. Just ignore him, tom.

235. I ain't ignorin' shit.

236. Come on, let's go!

237. Yeah, run away, chickenshit!

238. Fuckin' guys!

239. Hey, I'm in it for the long haul!

240. I'll marry your stupid ass!

241. Oh, yeah! 'Til death do us part, asshole!

242. I fuckin' do!

243. I, larry branson,

244. Promise that I will not chickenshit out

245. Until you admit that you're a pussy!

246. Or 'til one of us dies!

247. The ring, please.

248. Yeah!

249. Come on! Come on!

250. Let's go! Come on!

251. Fuckin' guys!

252. Yeah, read it and weep, asshole!

253. Come on, mary! Come on!

254. Right here, man! Yeah, right here.

255. I ain't going nowhere. Drink it up!

256. Yeah, that's right!

257. I got it, man, I got it right here!

258. Jeez, all these fuckin' receipts.

259. Ah, quit your bitchin', all right?

260. Hey, what's this?

261. That's for that sweater I got you last year

262. For your dumb-Ass birthday.

263. You said you fuckin' made it yourself!

264. No, I never said...

265. You fuckin' lied to me!

266. No!

267. Well, maybe our wedding vows were a lie, too!

268. Chickenshit!

269. Come back!

270. What the fuck?

271. You want to start something?

272. No.

273. Don't worry, sweetie, he'll come back.

274. You two were made for each other.

275. It's easier for him.

276. What if I have to find somebody else?

277. I don't think you're going to have to worry about that.

278. I'm sorry,

279. I shouldn't have lied.

280. It was my fault.

281. I, you know, I over-Reacted.

282. Yeah.

283. All right, chickenshit!

284. It's on, asshole!

285. You're a chickenshit!

286. You're a pussy, you wimp!

287. Oh, yeah?

288. You wanna make something of it?

289. Maybe I do!

290. Maybe I...

291. I'm sorry, he's gone.

292. I guess he wasn't such a chickenshit after all.

293. Ah, well.

294. Bartender!

295. Oh, my life.

296. st. Peter!

297. Oh, st. Peter!

298. god, god, god!

299. Say, peter

300. Come on over here.

301. Do me a favor.

302. There's a plane going down in the andes,

303. A brazilian bikini team.

304. Check, check, check.

305. Hey, god, hey.

306. How's it going, kid?

307. Good.

308. Great, I'm all set, too.

309. Okay, great.

310. You got it, kid.

311. Alright, here we go. Book on tape recording.

312. My life in the fast lane,

313. God's autobiography as read by me, god.

314. All seeing? Yeah.

315. Perfect in every way?

316. Not by a long shot.

317. Have I done some things that I'm proud of?

318. Well, one thing, my son.

319. This is for you, kid.

320. Now you're gonna learn a little bit more

321. About your old man than you wanted to know.

322. Yeah, you call it the bible, I call it, too many cooks.

323. Sure, the names and dates are there,

324. But nobody caught the attitude, the swagger,

325. The little kid wonder,

326. And then vomiting in a john next to mick jaggar

327. At studio 54 the next.

328. Oh, man, what a life, what a riot it's been.

329. Truth be told,

330. I really have only one commandment,

331. Sunday's are my day.

332. That means, no prayers, no calls, fax, no nothing.

333. In my jacuzzi taking a schvitz.

334. Suddenly, I feel an old pain in the back of my neck.

335. Oh, man, someone's praying.

336. Four-Time world champ and future hall-Of-Famer.

337. "It's the superbowl,

338. Boom, I go shit-House on him.

339. "I don't gotta do anything, terry.

340. I cut him off, got back to my schvitz.

341. The balls on that guy.

342. Unless you're a woman.

343. Did he make the pass?

344. You know it.

345. Terry's just that good.

346. Hey, if he thinks I had anything to do with it,

347. So be it, I'm not tellin'.

348. It was as a perfect jackass.

349. Was I right when I thought I could do it all by myself,

350. Ooh, man, I was worse than right.

351. I was wrong.

352. But, what a ride it's been.

353. What a ride.

354. How's that kid? Great, we got it.

355. All right, I got a party at mickey stein's to go to.

356. Take it easy, I'll catch you on the flip-Flop.

357. the unexplained,

358. The inexplicable,

359. The hard to convey.

360. Since the dawn of time, men have wondered:

361. Do mysteries really exist?

362. Some say maybe, others aren't so sure.

363. Tonight's enigma,

364. Monster parties, proved so upsetting

365. Most experts refuse to speak with us.

366. All but one.

367. Well, it's certainly an intriguing question.

368. We talked to a doctor

369. Who was willing to share his experience.

370. I'd say the first record

371. That ever really covered that topic

372. Was halloween shindig

373. By ed twilley and the creepers.

374. In 1978, there was monster disco ball!

375. There's the goofy tunes

376. With the wolfman's wedding reception.

377. Would these monsters ever assemble as a group

378. In a party setting, to dance,

379. Or eat and drink together?

380. While skeptics declare it impossible,

381. Novelty songs seem to suggest quite the opposite.

382. Could all these songs possibly be wrong?

383. It would probably be held in a mansion, or a crypt,

384. Or a cemetery, indoors or—

385. Mother!

386. It's at night, maybe in a swamp.

387. The most recent example is this one

388. By jerkin' james whitcroft:

389. Dracula's pajama party.

390. Well, this is preposterous.

391. Monsters, getting together to celebrate?

392. I mean,

393. They get together,

394. It's gonna be a terrifying battle.

395. No, no.

396. I wrote dracula's pajama party

397. It happened, it happened to me!

398. james whitcroft's life

399. I got the scars to prove it.

400. I gained weight from the cake they served,

401. I still have a party favor.

402. Everything I wrote about

403. In dracula's pajama party, I experienced.

404. The plasma pizza,

405. The blood balloon race,

406. Uh...

407. uh...

408. The bobbing for brains.

409. Uh...

410. Uh...

411. Uh...

412. Uh...

413. nope, no, no.

414. If you were to ask me if a bunch of draculas

415. Might get together, or a bunch of wolfmans,

416. Then, yes, they probably do have very good parties.

417. We'll never know.

418. However, we can write poems about it.

419. By re-Living his horrifying night,

420. James whitcroft agreed to be hypnotized

421. And traveled over 15 miles per hour

422. For one-Quarter of an hour,

423. Do you know how far he traveled?

424. Answer at the end of the show.

425. You are now officially hypnotized,

426. In the state of rhode island.

427. Now, tell me what happened, james.

428. I'm in the cemetery.

429. And...

430. I hear a noise.

431. Where is the noise coming from, james?

432. It's coming from behind a tombstone.

433. Sounds like a bash,

434. Or a mash!

435. Now, there's people having a party.

436. There's cake,

437. And a keg of beer.

438. They're not people!

439. They're monsters!

440. The mummy is drunk and he loves the funk,

441. And frankie got mad, he nearly re-Died.

442. It's horrible! It's horrible!

443. What are you doing in the graveyard, james?

444. I just wanna dig up a corpse

445. And have sexual relations with it!

446. These monsters!

447. Wake up!

448. According to the machine, he's telling the truth,

449. Except for the part about the monster party.

450. But yes, his name is james whitcroft,

451. And he wants to have sex with a corpse.

452. Some remain skeptical.

453. What?

454. These are novelty songs, they're not real.

455. What are you talking about?

456. So that it would be taken as some sort of joke,

457. Or party anthem.

458. I'm just trying to understand my life

459. Through music.

460. despite his trauma,

461. James washes a set of clothes

462. To see if his hypnotic ordeal may have freed him

463. Of the burden of his traumatic memories.

464. It's for me.

465. He hires a cabbie,

466. But he is early,

467. And so, must wait

468. Until the doors

469. Open.

470. I want you to give a big hot coffee hunt welcome

471. To james whitcroft, come on...

472. Come on, come on guys.

473. James, good luck.

474. Thanks, everybody.

475. I want to sing a song

476. That I wrote a couple of years ago

477. About something that happened to me.

478. Okay, here it goes.

479. and the wolfman!

480. Are you okay?

481. Get away from me!

482. They're monsters!