Mr. Show with Bob and David 4x4

1. ( Female announcer ) mr. Show is a lethal injekshun production,

2. Part of the lethal injekshun family

3. Of conglomertory interests.

4. ( Gun shot )

5. Record labels. International drug trade.

6. ( Gun shot )

7. Movies.

8. Taffy apples.

9. T.V. Shows. All that shit, yo.

10. All executive produced by sweetie pie jonus.

11. From his cell in our new

12. Three-To-Five year headquarters.

13. Hey, everybody, i claim this show for bob and david.

14. ( Applause )

15. Thank you. Thank you so much.

16. We got a great show for you tonight.

17. Yeah, sergeant manners is gonna be by here a little later

18. To teach us how to tie a napkin.

19. Yeah.

20. And let's get started right off

21. With a trip to the world's horniest mad scientists.

22. Doctor, doctor, what have you done to me ?

23. What are you doing to me, mein liepschin ?

24. Hey, yo.

25. Yo, bob and dave.

26. Hey, i cut that scene, fools.

27. Folks, this is sweetie pie jonus, our new executive producer.

28. What's up ?

29. Hey, check it out.

30. I got the motherfucking revisions

31. For this week's episizzode, bitch.

32. Rewrites ?

33. Hell motherfucking yeah, rewrites, man.

34. Funny this shit up.

35. We're gonna pick up the pace later--

36. Man, shut the fuck up.

37. Yes, sir. Yes, sir.

38. Sorry.

39. You know what ? I'm tired of you motherfuckers.

40. David, put on a goddamn costume

41. Before i put the smackdown on your silly ass.

42. Do it ! Go !

43. Sir, okay.

44. Hey, opie taylor,

45. Check this out, man.

46. I don't know what you're trying to run,

47. But i need some motherfucking copy machines for my cell.

48. I need a three hole punch

49. And i need some goddamn fax machines.

50. Hop to it, motherfucker.

51. What the state pay you for ?

52. What else ?

53. ( Narrator ) it now costs $800,000 a year

54. To jail just one criminal.

55. That's enough money to send a family of five to college.

56. Yay !

57. Or to send that same lucky family on a 79 day rafting expedition.

58. Yay !

59. But at pempleton state prison,

60. A new money saving program allows criminals to be

61. Productive members of society while serving out their terms.

62. This is the home of larry kleist, rapist.

63. But you wouldn't know it if it wasn't for the friendly reminders

64. Larry is required by law to provide.

65. The day he moved in, he took an ad out in the local newspaper.

66. Now, this rapist lives just like

67. Any normal non-Raping person would.

68. Rapist coming.

69. He goes to work accompanied by

70. An assigned state-Licensed public warning engineer.

71. Rapist here.

72. Rapist backing out.

73. Larry can even drive himself to work.

74. ( Warning engineer) rapist coming.

75. Don't get raped.

76. Rapist coming.

77. Cold calls, my favorite part of the day.

78. Hello.

79. I'm larry kleist, i'm a rapist.

80. Have you considered insurance ?

81. Hello, i'm larry kleist. I'm a rapist.

82. Are you interested--

83. Hello, i'm calling about insurance.

84. Please don't hang up. Please.

85. My name is larry, i'm a rapist and--

86. I don't-- People don't seem to be

87. Interested in insurance these days.

88. I think the industry is in a slump.

89. Rapist. Rapist on a break.

90. Could you freshen me up ?

91. No.

92. ( Narrator ) but larry carries on.

93. Hello, insurance is my game, larry is my name.

94. Raping was another game of mine.

95. Have you considered--

96. Hello ?

97. ( Narrator ) and the program's such a success

98. It's been expanded to include other criminals,

99. Allowing convicts to live

100. Work,

101. Tom boutineer, "cavington news and views".

102. Pedophile. Sodomized my nephew.

103. Just what is going on over there at that zoning board ?

104. And love.

105. I have a reservation under chacheznick.

106. Peter chacheznick, murderer.

107. I'm sorry, sir.

108. Could you look under "strangled 7 prostitutes" ?

109. Oh, yes, yes. Right here.

110. Right this way.

111. And by the way folks, tonight's dinner is on me.

112. No. Let us take care--

113. Please, it's my pleasure.

114. Look at this.

115. Your t-Bone, ma'am.

116. Your rib eye, sir.

117. Isn't that nice ?

118. For you, the special of the day.

119. A creamy steak suisse.

120. Jesus.

121. Oh shit, my new suit.

122. So sorry.

123. What is wrong with you ?

124. It's my first day waiting tables.

125. Great.

126. Sorry.

127. Oh, my goodness.

128. Charlie, charlie. I'm sorry sir.

129. Sir, we'll take care of everything, okay ?

130. We appreciate your business.

131. We want to keep our customers happy, okay ?

132. It's all right.

133. These things happen. Okay.

134. I'll tell you what.

135. Take your suit to any cleaners you choose,

136. Send us the bill

137. And we would gladly pay half, okay ?

138. Enjoy your meal, enjoy your meal.

139. All right, thank you.

140. Half ?

141. Sir, we insist.

142. It's not a problem at all.

143. No, no.

144. Sir, it's very nice of you to offer,

145. But this is our policy.

146. But you should pay for the whole thing.

147. Their waiter spilled my meal on me.

148. Yes, and that meal is free.

149. We will gladly bring you another meal

150. And charge you double.

151. Charlie.

152. Yes ?

153. Charlie, bring this gentleman another meal.

154. Yes.

155. In fact, charlie ?

156. Bring him two.

157. The second will be regular price

158. And we will only charge you for three, okay ?

159. You mustn't be concerned. This is our policy.

160. But i don't want two more dinners.

161. Two creamy steak suisses.

162. I don't want them.

163. Your restaurant should pay for everything.

164. His suit, the food, everything.

165. That's right. It was your fault.

166. Yeah.

167. So, i--

168. So he had nothing to do with this.

169. Right.

170. He was just sitting there and your waiter spilled it on him.

171. I'm sorry. Very-- I'm sorry.

172. Charlie.

173. Charlie,

174. What are you thinking

175. Bringing creamy steak suisse

176. To people who just came here to sit ?

177. He ordered it.

178. He ordered it ! Well !

179. The wheel turns, however slowly.

180. Look i want to see the owner.

181. You're looking at him.

182. You ?

183. Sorry, i thought you were looking at him. I was looking up there.

184. The waiter ?

185. But he said this was his first day.

186. Yeah, waiting tables.

187. I've been the owner since i was 13.

188. Youngest restauranteur of the whole southwest.

189. There was a kid in arizona.

190. I'm sorry we brought you here.

191. You know what ? I'm calling the police.

192. No, no, no. Don't, don't.

193. Listen,

194. This suit is insured.

195. And so i'm not supposed to wear it outside the office.

196. And if they find out that i have,

197. My premiums are gonna shoot through the roof.

198. Is there any way we can handle this, you know,

199. Between us ?

200. Well you gonna take your suit to the cleaners ?

201. No.

202. That will make for too much messy paperwork.

203. Listen, listen. I think i know a couple guys who can handle this.

204. All right, get the suit.

205. All right.

206. ( Tommy ) ever since i was a kid,

207. I wanted to dabble in the mafia.

208. With people like jimmy "the businessman" indiglio,

209. Anthony "one time" branca.

210. He was called that because he said everything one time.

211. Jeez, does this suit stink.

212. What ?

213. And me, tommy "wommy" omera.

214. We were a bunch of pallies.

215. Oh, thank you. This is nice sauce.

216. Thanks.

217. ( Speaking italian )

218. Mama, come on.

219. Mama.

220. ( Italian )

221. ( Badly dubbed ) that loopy nerd we buried is

222. Probably stinking up the whole parking forest by now.

223. ( Italian )

224. Hey, watch your motherfather mouth.

225. Don't you tell me what to do, you little piece of shoe.

226. Hey, kiss my aunt, you motherfather.

227. Both of you can grab one of my books

228. And motherfather chinese dentist.

229. You !

230. ( Edited gunshot )

231. Why'd you have to go and do that ?

232. Why ? Why ?

233. I'll tell you why. Because--

234. ( Announcer ) pallies, the channel six sunday sunshine

235. moving picture show will return after these announcements.

236. Thank you, thomas.

237. Thanks, mr. Gibbons.

238. ( Len ) my grandfather started selling good food

239. To good people back in 1926.

240. Lenny, some day you'll take over for me.

241. And i tried hard to keep his dreams alive.

242. By selling quality produce at the lowest prices.

243. You know we may not be as big and fancy as some other stores,

244. But what's so fancy about high prices ?

245. ( Female announcer ) gibbons, the old-Timey good place

246. With 15 convenient locations.

247. * fairsley

248. * fairsley

249. ( Male announcer) sure, gibbons markets may save you a dime on select items,

250. But this week at fairsley foods

251. All our produce is 25 percent off

252. And you'll never find a rat.

253. Good prices, no rats.

254. That's the fairsley difference.

255. This week at gibbons markets, we're having our

256. Harvest time red tag sale.

257. All red tagged items are 40 cents off.

258. Oh, just to let you know.

259. We never had a rat here at gibbons.

260. I don't know what that was in reference to, but

261. If you're looking for savings, look to gibbons.

262. ( Female announcer ) gibbons, with 15 convenient locations.

263. * fairsley

264. * fairsley

265. ( Male announcer ) this week at fairsley foods: pork crops, $1.29 a pound.

266. Farm fresh eggs, $2.15 a dozen.

267. And unlike some places, you'll always find apples.

268. That's the fairly difference.

269. We've got apples.

270. We've got apples.

271. Look. We've always had apples.

272. How is that a difference ?

273. It's not.

274. This week at gibbons markets, with any purchase you make,

275. You'll receive an apple for free.

276. ( Female announcer ) gibbons, now with nine locations.

277. * fairsley

278. ( Male announcer ) this week at fairsley foods

279. Circle o's cereal is only $3.49 a box.

280. And at fairsley

281. You can shop comfortably

282. Knowing your children will not be abducted,

283. Then shipped off to a pakistani whorehouse

284. Where they'll spend the rest of their lives in homoerotic servitude.

285. Come in with your kids, leave with your kids.

286. That's the fairsley difference.

287. I love children.

288. I assure you, as a grandfather of five...

289. That no child has ever, ever been taken from a gibbon's market.

290. Ever.

291. But to ease your mind,

292. I've installed an extremely expensive,

293. Very expensive state-Of-The-Art security system

294. In all of our markets.

295. New policy today.

296. Each child is fitted with a tracking collar.

297. It uses radio waves.

298. Come to gibbon's markets.

299. Squash is on sale.

300. ( Female announcer ) gibbons.

301. Now with three exclusive locations.

302. C'mon down to libbons. I love kids.

303. I want your money.

304. ( Farting noise )

305. ( Male announcer ) ...to get your business.

306. But at fairsley, we stand behind our three golden promises.

307. That's the fairsley difference.

308. Fairsley foods. Now with 23 locations to serve you.

309. Hey !

310. Here we are !

311. We'll we're back to our roots.

312. Driving the same streets my grandfather started on.

313. The times were simpler back then, weren't they ?

314. Because people had integrity.

315. People were honest with each other.

316. Just like my grandfather was

317. When he--

318. Lenny,

319. You failed me.

320. But grandpa, fairsley food lied.

321. Oh, shut up.

322. Hey, mr. Gibbons.

323. Hiya, lenny.

324. Mother, father, i'm home.

325. Thomas !

326. Thomas.

327. ( Grunting )

328. You did it.

329. Climbed mount everest.

330. It's so good to be home.

331. I see nothing's changed.

332. Oh, that's new.

333. Oh, that's my thimble collection.

334. I do love it so.

335. Enough of that.

336. Tell us of your adventure.

337. It truly was an adventure, father.

338. Sadly, two men died.

339. ( Gasping )

340. Yes.

341. One slipped over a ridge.

342. His scream still echoes in my mind.

343. Then, on the final day

344. With the peak in sight

345. I suddenly felt my quick rope go slack.

346. Oh !

347. But before i was able--

348. My thimbles !

349. ( Laughing )

350. I am sorry it was funny.

351. It was.

352. No matter. We'll help.

353. There.

354. All in place and no harm done.

355. Thomas. Richard.

356. Bless my soul, brother, you did it.

357. Climbed mount everest.

358. Tell richard the story.

359. Yes, yes, yes.

360. You should have seen me, richard.

361. I was on the north face

362. Ascending it in the bitter cold--

363. No, no, no, not about everest,

364. About you, slipping.

365. But i climbed mount everest.

366. Please, dear, it was funny.

367. I want to hear a funny story.

368. Oh, well, well.

369. I was just over here...

370. I was telling of the final ascent,

371. And i thought this behind me was a stool.

372. And so i rested on it

373. And i fell.

374. So that's what you did !

375. I am so sorry, mother.

376. Once was funny, twice is just not being careful.

377. Well, no matter. We'll help you.

378. Yes.

379. Help.

380. There. Good as new.

381. Yes.

382. So as i was saying.

383. I had ascended the peak.

384. I was standing amongst the heavy winds...

385. Bracing myself.

386. Careful. Careful.

387. Don't worry, mother.

388. The wind blew--

389. You did it twice.

390. Three times !

391. You weren't here.

392. He did it three times !

393. Please help me.

394. Anyone could have done it.

395. The drink cart was right there.

396. Yes, but no one would have leaned on it again.

397. Not when they were talking about

398. How they had just knocked it over.

399. But i thought it was a stool.

400. How can you think that this was a stool ?

401. Idiot !

402. I am not an idiot.

403. You asked to hear my story of conquering everest

404. And so i told you.

405. And in the course of things,

406. I rested upon what i thought was a--

407. No !

408. No one help him !

409. Let thomas do it himself this time.

410. Climb mount everest.

411. There.

412. And the wind blew as we approached the peak...

413. ( Screaming )

414. And then i thought i saw a bear.

415. We took our final giant steps.

416. Snow blind ! Could not see !

417. Thomas, wonderful news.

418. Don't, no !

419. He almost finished his story without slipping.

420. Enough of that.

421. I've just returned from new york city

422. And they want to make a moving picture of your story.

423. Finally the story of everest will be told.

424. ( Silent movie organ music playing )

425. ( Thinking ) nobody takes me seriously.

426. I, who conquered everest,

427. And portrayed as a bumbling fool.

428. ( Laughing )

429. And another thing, man.

430. What's with this falling down shit ?

431. How many motherfucking times this motherfucker gonna fall down ?

432. That shit ain't funny.

433. You saw the script !

434. Motherfucker, don't interrupt me.

435. I'll interrupt my foot up your ass.

436. Fuck this. You motherfuckers are fired.

437. All y'all motherfuckers are fired.

438. How can you do that ?

439. Toto ! Toto !

440. Get this dog away from me, man !

441. Get him away from me !

442. Toto !

443. Sweetie pie !

444. Oh, so all along,

445. Sweetie pie, the jailed gangster,

446. Was really sweetie pie, our kitty cat.

447. You naughty kitty cat.

448. Oh, we can't stay mad at you.

449. We're gonna spank you with our lips.

450. Take that.

451. And that.

452. That's a spanking.