Mr. Show with Bob and David 4x10

Directed by Peyton Reed • David Cross

Globo-Chem Corporate Retreat, Honesty in Motion, Fenderman Documentary, The Week Apart, Marilyn Monster ""Fun-Ployees"" Training Video,

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. Is being broadcast live from the la questa resort

2. In scottsdale, arizona,

3. As part of the globo-Chem corporation's

4. Yearly "get motivated weekend."

5. Three days of business awareness intensives,

6. Trust exercises, motivational entertainment,

7. Drinks with touring golf professionals,

8. And late-Night hot tub sessions

9. With touring golf professionals.

10. and now,

11. If we could please all put our hands together,

12. Wow!

13. All right!

14. Awesome, this is great.

15. We have got a comedy show tonight

16. That's going to help you laugh your sales

17. Right through the roof!

18. You bet we do, bob.

19. Goodness, david, why are you so tired?

20. I was up late last night, drinking with mr. Oliveri.

21. Well, let me tell you something,

22. You think you're tired,

23. This morning I challenged jane smales in human resources

24. To see who could go through the most diets in one day.

25. Who won? She won.

26. Of course, she won!

27. That's great!

28. So, david, how come I didn't see you at the tug-O-War?

29. Oh, I wanted to, but I had to bow out

30. Because they put me behind jeff teasdale.

31. T.C. !

32. Right, now, why would that make you quit?

33. Well...

34. Well, I'll tell you,

35. But I have to go screw larry taley's wife, sally.

36. Wait a second, so do I!

37. You're making jokes about my wife!

38. That's what makes these corporate gigs so fun.

39. The same guy who told us

40. That jeff teasdale is incontinent.

41. Yeah, I think his name was carl peters.

42. Carl peters told us.

43. Okay.

44. Well, let's get started with our

45. First act of the evening.

46. We have got somebody who you're going to recognize

47. From his numerous t.V. And movie appearances.

48. Please welcome josh fenderman,

49. And "honesty in motion".

50. Whoo!

51. For josh fenderman,

52. And he had no idea it would lead to the bottom.

53. By the time that he was 12-Years-Old,

54. An arcade and pizza place,

55. Catapulted him into the upper echelon.

56. It's pumpkinninny!

57. America fell in love with the young boy

58. Nobody knew his name,

59. What they don't realize is,

60. Zero. We paid for everything.

61. Finally we were getting a return on our investment.

62. What was once a whiny little baby

63. Was now a money bag with teeth.

64. And then josh got the call every actor waits for.

65. Director sol stevenberg was widely acclaimed

66. As the best thing to come out of hollywood

67. Since sliced bread, not to mention its sequel,

68. Sliced bread ii, electric boogaloo.

69. Sol tapped josh to play the lead

70. It was a role that would net him tens of millions

71. Of thousands of hundreds of dollars.

72. Josh was on top of the world.

73. And as he got older, movies like

74. Dumbbell university and tunafishing '87

75. Increased not only josh's popularity,

76. But also his bankroll.

77. We built a glass mansion on a hill

78. Overlooking a ghetto,

79. But even with all this right,

80. What the public didn't see coming was all the wrong.

81. By the end of the '80s,

82. Josh was flat broke.

83. There's only one thing I can blame,

84. And that's the money itself.

85. I didn't know how to spend this money.

86. It didn't come with instructions,

87. Or a manual.

88. I didn't realize that, if you exchanged it

89. For property or services,

90. That they would take it away for good.

91. And that's just what they did.

92. Josh took the kind of risk

93. He usually reserves for his acting,

94. Waging a lengthy court battle

95. Against the treasury department.

96. Just let me say this, all right?

97. This money is gone.

98. I'm from hollywood, I make millions of dollars

99. Pretending to be other people.

100. Josh won his case.

101. On all newly minted currency.

102. After josh's success,

103. Several similar suits cropped up

104. In courthouses all across the country.

105. Oh, this is so sweet, I'll never eat it.

106. I missed you so much.

107. You missed me?

108. I missed you.

109. Oh, hon, this has been the longest week of my life.

110. Let's never break up again.

111. No.

112. So, what'd you do all week?

113. You mean, besides cry?

114. I barely left the house. What about you?

115. Well, I was depressed.

116. And, I tried to get my life together.

117. I signed up for a tex-Mex cooking class.

118. Oh, do you mind?

119. No.

120. Since when do you smoke?

121. Since this past week. Us.

122. I'm gonna quit.

123. Of course.

124. But now tell me, tex-Mex, now that's texas and mexico?

125. Yeah, it's like a combin—

126. She's been sitting at home crying

127. What was that? Who's Jennifer?

128. Oh, it's nothing, it was nothing.

129. You got engaged last week?

130. It was a mistake. Look...

131. Crying,

132. Oh. Yeah.

133. And I went out to get some aspirin,

134. And it was a mistake and it's over.

135. Well, not for awhile.

136. Excuse me.

137. I couldn't help but notice.

138. I was just sitting over...

139. You rock!

140. Okay.

141. Can you sign one. It's not for me!

142. Okay, thank you.

143. I was in a christian rock band.

144. It's new wave mixed with a little rap.

145. This was tuesday.

146. And it's, you know...

147. So, just, tex-Mex, now tell me—

148. You judas!

149. For they that tear my people asunder

150. Shall not dignify the houses of the lord!

151. You are officially rebuked!

152. Honey, this is 2001, a new wave godyssy.

153. Oh, is this the jezebel you broke up the band for?

154. Harlot! Whore!

155. Guys! I'm not Jennifer, okay?

156. Come, brother.

157. For christ shall rise up and smite them and...

158. Jennifer was a porn star?

159. No, no, honey, Jennifer and crystal knockers

160. She's a porn star.

161. We were both in this blow job competition.

162. Listen, tex-Mex, tell me—

163. You!

164. She's been in the shower for two days.

165. She says she'll be clean again.

166. Well, that's just crystal's boyfriend.

167. You gave people blow jobs?

168. The most people.

169. That's why they have a drink named after me here.

170. They have a drink called "the todd hindley" ?

171. No, it's called, "the ultimate dick sucker".

172. But, honey,

173. Tex-Mex, now is that more—

174. You know this is really hard for me.

175. You said you were home crying all week.

176. I was, okay?

177. But then I was born again,

178. And I joined that band,

179. And then I met Jennifer, and

180. And then I called that off.

181. Then, I lucked into that porn film.

182. Oh, god.

183. Well, what?

184. Miss tex-Mex!

185. In the last week?

186. No, I barely signed up for the class.

187. I just sat around.

188. You sat around inside alone for an entire week?

189. Really, huh?

190. They thought it would cheer me up.

191. Yeah, that and tex-Mex!

192. Would you shut up about the class?

193. It hasn't even started yet!

194. Yeah, well, it's okay,

195. Because I forgive you.

196. Honey, are you bleeding?

197. Spicy mesquite sauce.

198. Tex-Mex.

199. It was a one-Day intensive seminar.

200. You liar!

201. Guys, I'm back in the band!

202. All right!

203. Heavens to betsy,

204. I've invented the praying machine!

205. Oh my stars and garters!

206. Damn them, lord!

207. no, lord, don't do it.

208. It's just what they want.

209. Wow, that's me, marilyn monster.

210. Hi, I'm larry turnour.

211. You know, when I first created marilyn,

212. I had no idea that people all over the world

213. Who knew?

214. That's why I created

215. Marilyn mozzarella's pizzarella pie parlour.

216. You're now a marilyn mozzarella fun-Ployee.

217. Marilyn mozzarella employees are fun,

218. Rebellious extroverts who make their own rules.

219. Uh-Oh, look at forgetful fred, here.

220. That means a red card warning.

221. Two red card warnings means an automatic write-Up.

222. But that's all right, we'll get to that later.

223. For now, let's get to fun.

224. Fred is now serving

225. One of our delicious deep dish specialties.

226. And remember the other rule number one...

227. "Be nice! Serve the first slice."

228. Mmm.

229. Whoa, fred!

230. When will he ever learn.

231. When serving the first slice of pizza, remember:

232. Now, if she is northerly to the nearest fire exit,

233. The fourth slice clockwise is the first to be served.

234. If there are no female customers,

235. Then remember, always start at 7:00—

236. Not five! Oh, fred!

237. If you forget,

238. A manager will be happy to remind you,

239. By issuing a green, level two punishment, like:

240. The bloody diapers

241. Alright, relax, fred, it gets easier.

242. Well, that's it.

243. That's all there is to it.

244. Now go out there and have yourself

245. A wild and unconventional good time.

246. Must consist of alcoholic blended call drinks.

247. And remember the 16 ps to success:

248. Poise, personality,

249. Professionalism,

250. A positive mental attitude,

251. Impress the customer,

252. Primp always,

253. Positivity,

254. Freeze plenty of ice,

255. Placate, posture,

256. Pomp and circumstance,

257. Patriotism,

258. Pepper and professionalism.

259. Well, that's it.

260. That's all there is to it.

261. Now go out and have a good time.

262. Oh, but don't forget to break some rules.

263. But don't break any rules.

264. Marilyn, they're all ready for you.

265. Hey, thanks, jimmy.

266. Well, they're playing my song.

267. So, good luck, and see ya in hell.

268. Electrocution—

269. And pull out now.

270. All right, folks, bar's closing.

271. Let's move it out.

272. I'm glad you made it down.

273. These guys, too. Take it easy.

274. Hey. Hey!

275. It's cool running into you after so long, man.

276. Yeah, you too, man.

277. Hey, I hope it's not another five years

278. Before we run into each other again.

279. Right, man, me too, yeah, you take care.

280. You too, all right?

281. I will, man. All right.

282. Yeah, cool, buddy.

283. So are you...

284. Yeah, me too, this way.

285. Well, this is it.

286. Oh well, all right.

287. It was great seeing you again, man.

288. You too, buddy. Take care.

289. Yeah, goodbye.

290. Oh, yeah.

291. Goodbye, man.

292. You know it.

293. Wow, it has been a treat.

294. Yeah, it sure has been.

295. Well, you take it easy again.

296. You, too.

297. You, too.

298. Where is the elevator?

299. Stairs for me! I need the exercise.

300. Hey, you need a hand?

301. No, it's just that it...

302. Godammit!

303. Got it.

304. All right, well, cool.

305. Hey, it's been a blast, you know?

306. Yeah, yeah.

307. Goodbye.

308. All right, yeah, yeah, man, okay.

309. All right. Right back at ya.

310. There he is.

311. Yeah, look at this.

312. I just need to get some...

313. Wait.

314. You know what? I have a candy bar at home.

315. So...

316. Great. All right.

317. Hey!

318. Hey!

319. What are you doin' ? What are you doing here?

320. Getting some cigarettes.

321. Where is he?

322. Where is...

323. I don't know where he lives, okay!

324. I just don't know!

325. I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

326. I'm gonna call the police right now.

327. No!

328. Buddy!

329. Buddy, no!

330. No!

331. Oh, god, no!

332. I did.

333. A lot.

334. A lot.

335. Carl, you motherfucker!

336. Larry.

337. I know about the whole thing.

338. You've been fucking my wife.

339. Those two asshole performers

340. At the motivational weekend told everyone!

341. We didn't do it for fun, I swear.

342. Oh, my god!

343. Your sister, my son, your dog.

344. That's it, you're dead!

345. Hey, mr. Peters, is there a problem?

346. Hi.

347. Having sex with my wife and my dog.

348. He has?

349. Wait, I can explain. Shut up!

350. Are you taking credit for my work?

351. No, he doesn't know—

352. You asshole!

353. Yeah, he is an asshole.

354. And dubbed them in his basement?

355. You didn't!

356. No, no, I didn't, who did it, carl?

357. Todd.

358. Todd, that's right. He worked like a dog.

359. Hey, guys.

360. Todd.

361. You bastard!

362. No!

363. I mailed tapes of your wife having sex with carl

364. In your bedroom, right here in town.

365. Yeah, I know.

366. What if what?

367. Well, what if we filmed you having sex with his wife

368. In different places, all over the world?

369. You son of a bitch!

370. It's sort of an upscale series of travelogue-Type pornos.

371. You fuckers! You pricks!

372. Drop it!

373. Green screen, special effects.

374. I never have to leave town.

375. Right. Exactly.

376. All right, gang, thanks very much.

377. All right, that's it.

378. Season's over.

379. Beat it.