Mr. Show with Bob and David 3x8

1. Closed captions provided by softitler

2. ( Announcer ) tonight's mr. Show,

3. Brought to you by puny devil kneehigh socks.

4. They devilishly come up to your knees.

5. Hey, everybody, it's bob and david.

6. Hello.

7. Hey, hey.

8. All right. All right.

9. Hi.

10. Hello, everybody. Hello.

11. Well, we have a great show for you tonight.

12. That's right, the doodletown junkies are here.

13. Yep, yep, and we're gonna have a visit

14. From capt. Mr. Sergeant and the marine corps improvisers.

15. Oh, wow. They're special.

16. ( Protestors ) mr. Show unfair! Mr. Show unfair!

17. What the hell?

18. Mr. Show unfair! Mr. Show unfair!

19. Mr. Show unfair! Mr. Show unfair!

20. Let bob and david speak!

21. Why won't you let bob and david speak?

22. It's us, this is us.

23. We're speaking.

24. Right now.

25. All right! Yo! Yeah, yeah!

26. All right, and i'm gonna teach you how to make

27. My famous 5-Alarm christmas dinner.

28. ( Protestors ) kick us out! Kick us out!

29. Why won't you kick us out?

30. Kick us out now! Kick us out!

31. Kick us out!

32. Oh, ok, fine. We will.

33. Hey, security.

34. Get in here. Yeah, get these guys.

35. Kick us out!

36. They're kicking us out!

37. They're kicking us out!

38. They're kicking us out!

39. Why won't you throw us out?

40. Yeah.

41. Yeah.

42. Did it. Good protest.

43. Yeah.

44. Yeah, man, we showed 'em.

45. Great. Let's get something to eat.

46. Yeah, man, i'm hungry.

47. You got any change?

48. Nah. I don't have any change.

49. ( Both ) give us a hot dog! Give us a hot dog!

50. Give us the hot dogs we demand,

51. Or close down this hot dog stand!

52. Give us the hot dogs we demand,

53. Or close down this hot dog stand!

54. Fuck!

55. Dude.

56. Yeah, yeah.

57. ( Both ) we had a bad car, we want a good car!

58. Give us a car, hey! Give us a car, hey!

59. We had a bad car, we want a good car!

60. Give us a car, hey! Give us a car, hey!

61. ( Protestor #1) what do we want?

62. ( Protestor #2 ) to get laid!

63. When do we want it? Now!

64. What do we want? To get laid!

65. When do we want it? Now!

66. ( Both ) hey, hey! Ho, ho!

67. The girls we slept with have got to go!

68. Hey, hey! Ho, ho!

69. The girls we slept with have got to go!

70. Hey, hey.

71. ( Announcer ) they're america's most successful protestors,

72. Protesting their way to riches and fame,

73. And gaining control of a multinational

74. Oil conglomerate along the way.

75. Sirs, we have a problem.

76. ( Protestors outside ) no more oil!

77. It's protestors.

78. ( Protestors outside ) no more oil! No more oil!

79. No more oil!

80. No more oil!

81. No more oil!

82. ( Both ) no more slogans, no more pests,

83. We don't need your damn protests!

84. No more slogans, no more pests,

85. We don't want your damn protests!

86. No more slogans, no more pests! We don't want your...

87. Although this emotional day seems to be coming to an end,

88. It is far from over.

89. An undercurrent of rage has reached its boiling point,

90. Suggesting that even the most benign incident

91. Could touch off a full-Scale riot.

92. A riot has seemingly broken out here.

93. It's just a terrible scene.

94. We are right here, live.

95. As usual, channel 6 on the spot news cameras

96. Are the first on the scene.

97. ( Announcer ) this is channel 6 on the spot news.

98. When news breaks, we're there,

99. Capturing news as it happens.

100. Channel 6: we make the news!

101. Good evening, i'm ty hutley and this is on the spot news.

102. Tonight, our top story:

103. Fire in the southland.

104. With the scoop, our reporter, hayden lewis is there.

105. Hayden?

106. Ty. Hayden lewis. I'm standing here

107. On the outskirts of ameretta national forest

108. Where a fire has just broken out.

109. Channel 6 cameras are here first.

110. Local fire crews have only moments to contain this blaze.

111. I'm sorry, i have to interrupt you there, hayden.

112. Our reporter has just been shot in the ameretta national forest.

113. Once again, our channel 6 cameras are first on the scene.

114. Reporter belinda gilronan is there.

115. Yes, ty, it's true.

116. Senselessly, tragically,

117. The body of a local television reporter lies motionless,

118. Here on the outskirts of...

119. ameretta forest.

120. No confirmation on the victim's condition.

121. But once again, channel 6 is first on the scene.

122. All right, we'll check back on that story later.

123. All right, but first, our cameras have caught a sniper in action.

124. That's right, ty, the terror began only a couple minutes ago...

125. Channel 6 is here, once again, on the spot.

126. That's the one, officer.

127. That's the show that killed my husband.

128. All right, the rest of you is free to go.

129. ( Announcer ) v.T.V. We get away with murder.

130. You're watching v.T.V., t.V. With an extra "v."

131. ( Female announcer ) we sent 5 american college students...

132. Rachel. Peter.

133. Tammy. Chut.

134. Billy.

135. ( Female announcer ) on a 3-Week, all-Expenses-Paid trip

136. To the most historic places in europe,

137. To find 6 hidden bean bags.

138. We've been to jolly, old england.

139. Gay france.

140. And nazi germany!

141. ( Female announcer ) previously on culture hunt...

142. Excuse me, sir, have you seen a bean bag? Did you see a bean bag?

143. Yeah!

144. Yeah, i got it!

145. I got it!

146. ( Woman ) this week, amsterdam.

147. This is the main room.

148. In 1942, anne frank and the entire frank family

149. Moved into this very attic.

150. In june, the allies were already...

151. Hey, dude, we'll take this room.

152. Cool. Cool.

153. ( Sighing ) hey, man.

154. Let's find that bean bag and get to the hash bar.

155. Oh, yeah.

156. Wow, dude, man.

157. It all happened right here. I mean, right here.

158. Don't even...

159. Just keep looking.

160. Yeah, it's creepy, huh?

161. But, dude, man, i can't imagine what that would be like.

162. You know, bein' locked up with your entire family

163. For 2 whole years— Even your grandma.

164. Yeah, that would be like

165. Thanksgiving from hell.

166. Bean bag. Oh, yeah, yeah.

167. Yeah, yeah.

168. Fuck! Did you find it?

169. No!

170. It says here that they couldn't use the bathroom

171. While the store was open. That's like 8 hours.

172. Shit, man. I could not hold it that long, man.

173. I'd turn green, and shit.

174. That would be tough.

175. Hey.

176. Remember when we had to drive cross-Country, and we had to pee in bottles?

177. Sure, remember that time i filled up that entire bottle in one pee?

178. You beat eddie gordesky's record.

179. That i did. Yeah!

180. Hey, man.

181. Bet old annie frank beat my record.

182. It doesn't say.

183. Man, they're not gonna put that in there.

184. Nice house, though.

185. Yeah.

186. Yeah, yeah. It's bigger than i expected, you know.

187. It's, like, it's roomy.

188. Can you imagine being holed up in my apartment for 2 years?

189. Now that would suck donkey dicks.

190. Shit.

191. Hey, man, you still lookin' for a place?

192. Yeah.

193. Wouldn't mind a place like this.

194. Shit, yeah. Man, fuckin' secret entrance, and all that.

195. That would be the bong room.

196. Yeahhh!

197. Well, at least they didn't have my landlord.

198. Tsk. Yeah, man, that dude's, like, a total naz—

199. Hey, what's wrong with you, man?

200. Tsk.

201. Man, this place is bummin' me out.

202. Yeah, must be the color of the walls.

203. Yeah.

204. Walk it off, man.

205. Loosen up. You got a hacky sack? Let's hack.

206. No, man. This—This isn't workin' for me.

207. Think about the bean bag, man.

208. I mean, what kinda god would make a world where...

209. Dude...

210. Where a bean bag was so hard to find?

211. Yeah! Exactly.

212. Be strong for the bean bag!

213. For the bean bag! For the bean bag!

214. Right. For the bean bag!

215. Right. For the bean bag!

216. For the sake of... dude, dude, dude!

217. Oh, shit.

218. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

219. Say, "yeah." Say, "yeah."

220. Yeah!

221. We found the bean bag.

222. You're welcome.

223. ( Man #1 ) well, that was our trip to that place.

224. And here's a map of europe we drew.

225. ( Man #2 ) we saw france, and berlin, and europe,

226. And england. Yeah.

227. We would have gone more places,

228. But there were only 6 bean bags.

229. ( Narrator ) europe cowers on the edge of a beast

230. Called the communist soviet union.

231. Red all over: the communist conspiracy.

232. Good evening, i'm jack webber.

233. This is timmy. Hello, timmy.

234. Look what i have. It's your toy rubber ball.

235. Would you like to play with it?

236. Well, maybe later.

237. Run along, now.

238. Children, they seem to be everywhere,

239. In our homes, churches, and schools.

240. While on the surface they may seem innocent,

241. Inside, it's another story.

242. ( Narrator ) little brother, big menace!

243. ( Jack ) we now know that within every 5th boy child in america,

244. Is a system of strings and pulleys operated by a small dwarf.

245. This dwarf is an employee of the international communist league.

246. Here's a simple test to see if your child is really a costumed dwarf.

247. Hit him on the head with a hammer.

248. Good night and god bless america.

249. Hello, i'm jack webber.

250. That was me back in 1959.

251. My series of short propaganda films scared a lot of good people

252. Into doing some pretty bad things.

253. Chipped teeth, broken skulls, and shattered childhoods

254. Are the legacy of those films.

255. Now i'm here to clean up my mess with...

256. ( Man ) take it back, jack!

257. Firstly, little boys are not puppets of communism.

258. At the time i said that

259. My son was going through a troubled pre-Adolescence,

260. Coupled with some serious abandonment issues.

261. Just because a child is defiant

262. Doesn't mean they want to overthrow the government.

263. Sometimes, they just want a cookie,

264. A game, some attention.

265. Attention that a drunken father cannot provide.

266. I'm sorry, tim.

267. In another film, i warned of the increasing frigidity

268. Of women in these united states.

269. Let's take a look.

270. ( Narrator ) the eagle vs. The skirt.

271. The women of america are out to bring this country to its knees,

272. One man at a time.

273. Case closed!

274. At the time i made that film,

275. Women in streets, and bars, and lounges

276. Seemed to be turning a cold shoulder to the american male.

277. This impression was based solely upon my own experiences with women,

278. Which, at the time, were rocky, at best.

279. I don't blame women for not liking me.

280. I didn't like me.

281. I was one big ball of hate.

282. I ruined weddings, parades, funerals, debutante balls,

283. The chinese new year, and once a year, my own birthday.

284. I was a time bomb of rage and i exploded,

285. Striking out at the dalai lama, who was in this country on a goodwill mission.

286. At his holiness' request,

287. I was sentenced to spend one week at his mountain retreat at tibet.

288. Well, one week turned into 8 years.

289. During my time at naipur,

290. I learned that we are all one with nature,

291. And the river of life flows out my 3rd eye.

292. I've laughed like a child at the feet of the buddha

293. And i've learned to really eat a peach,

294. And not simply consume it.

295. Now, i'd like to share my newfound awareness with you

296. Through this humorous calendar book,

297. Jack webber's 365 wrong predictions.

298. It's a fun and funny way

299. To recount frightening world events that never came to pass.

300. ( Man ) the jack webber calendar.

301. Use it in your home,

302. Your office,

303. Or if your office is in your home.

304. Ah!

305. Put it up on the wall.

306. All right, there it is. One day old.

307. Hey, "dream of a lifetime."

308. We're a simple mom and pop charity.

309. You know, we grant dying kids one last special dream, you know.

310. Hey, we're not big like "make-A-Wish" or "starlight," you know.

311. But hey, that doesn't mean we're not legit.

312. Dream of a lifetime.

313. Dream of a lifetime!

314. ( Both ) yeah!

315. This will be fun.

316. This is a read-Out of the in-Patient list

317. At the, uh, pediatrics ward at st. Joe's.

318. Oh, here we go!

319. Terminal entitilitus: 6 months to live.

320. Hey, let's do it!

321. All right. Yeah.

322. Yeah, wha— Yeah, yeah, ok.

323. But, my. Trumick, you know, if you want to go to make-A-Wish, go ahead.

324. But, you know, i'll tell you what they're gonna say.

325. They're gonna give you a "maybe."

326. Hey, jimmy, hi!

327. Uh, say, this is lamar kath from dream of a lifetime.

328. How would you like to meet shaquille o'neal?

329. Yeah, you would?

330. How about michael jackson, today?

331. Yeah, that's right.

332. Think make-A-Wish can do that? No.

333. Yeah, i'm gonna do that. I'm gonna take you to the game tonight.

334. I'll see you in 20 minutes.

335. I'll meet you at the hospital.

336. Yeah.

337. Ward 7. No, i got it all here.

338. I got a computer print out of all this stuff. Yeah, 6 months to live and all—

339. Yeah, 6 months to live.

340. It's totally legit. Dream of a lifetime, you can look us up.

341. Not right now, we don't have the phone listed.

342. But— No, on monday...

343. Yeah! We got him, we got him.

344. Yes.

345. Piece of cake, man.

346. Hollywood? The number for michael jackson.

347. Yeah, yeah. The michael jackson.

348. As in, the king of all pop.

349. Can you look again, please?

350. When can we go in?

351. Probably pretty soon, probably pretty soon. You want to see shaquille, huh?

352. Yeah. Yeah!

353. You wanna meet him, huh? He's gonna—

354. That's where they park the cars. Shaquille, uh,

355. Probably parks right there and also the teams come in...

356. I'll show you when we go.

357. Hey, hop, hop, hop! Jimmy, come on.

358. Hi, how are you?

359. Thank you. Tonight's a good night— She's feeling really good.

360. Oh, good, good. Thank you so much.

361. All right.

362. Well, hello there, kiddo.

363. Hey, i was talking to a friend of mine who wanted to meet you.

364. Who?

365. Michael jackson.

366. Really?

367. Yeah! I dunno, he said he wanted to stop by today.

368. Is today a good day? I don't know. Is it?

369. Yes.

370. Oh, yeah, it is. All right.

371. That might feel great. Give me 5!

372. All right, all right.

373. Excuse me. Folks, i'm sorry, but visiting hours are over.

374. Hey, what about that soda i asked for?

375. Is that thing coming, or what?

376. Sir, there's a machine down the hall.

377. Well, i guess he's not comin'.

378. What?

379. Y-You said he was coming.

380. Y-Y-You told her michael jackson was coming.

381. You told us.

382. Well, i guess i'll see you guys later.

383. Take it easy, corrie. Feel better.

384. I'm gonna sue you to kingdom come.

385. I'm gonna sue you.

386. How about that? Yeah, how about that?

387. Did you see the look on her face

388. When i told her michael jackson was

389. Coming to meet her? Yeah.

390. Did you see that? Yeah.

391. Well, don't take that away from her.

392. This kid's like a broken record, ok?

393. ( Pathetic kid voice ) "hey, mister, i'm sick, you know.

394. I wanna see shaquille o'neil." Hey, jimmy.

395. So, he's not your son?

396. No, no, he's not my son...

397. Oh, hey, here's the dad.

398. Hey, mr. Drew.

399. Son, are you all right?

400. Everything's fine.

401. Are you all right?

402. All right, all right.

403. Hey.

404. Hey.

405. How did it go?

406. Huh, so-So.

407. Yeah? How about you?

408. Great, great.

409. But the parents...

410. Ah, the parents!

411. Right? Yeah.

412. Hey, well,

413. They're under a lot of stress, what with their dying kids, and all.

414. So you know...

415. What do we got tomorrow?

416. Oh, tomorrow!

417. We got todd jaspers!

418. He's got walter p. Francis syndrome.

419. What's his dream?

420. That's the best part about it.

421. He wants to see snow. He's never seen snow.

422. Easy!

423. You know, snow, frozen rain.

424. It's a no-Brainer.

425. Get some water in a freezer!

426. That's it.

427. Fucking landlord.

428. We've got no bottled water, either.

429. Ah!

430. Hey, let's use this cola.

431. Here's some snow!

432. Mother is the necessity of invention.

433. Yeah.

434. You read it here first.

435. Ah, i don't know.

436. What, it's snow. Look.

437. Yeah, it's just that it's brown.

438. Yeah.

439. Hey, i know.

440. Put some macaroni in it.

441. All right, good idea.

442. Good idea. You're right, you're right.

443. Hey, look!

444. Hey, look what we got!

445. Say hello. Hello, todd.

446. Hi.

447. Look what you're wearing.

448. Your muffler and your sweater.

449. That's good because guess who paid us a visit?

450. Jack frost himself!

451. That's right, let's go. Come on.

452. King of the snowmen.

453. ( Both ) ok, here we go.

454. Hey, watch your step.

455. Ok, slow down, you might slip.

456. It's slippery there, huh?

457. Look at this.

458. Oh, my goodness, jack frost!

459. Hey, get out of here!

460. A winter wonderland.

461. Hey, look at this, todd.

462. Say, "merry christmas, and here i come!"

463. Where're you goin' ? Hey, mom!

464. What?

465. He got cold, i guess.

466. Heh, dream of a lifetime. Well, hey,

467. Maybe we bit off more than we could chew.

468. Jeff's keepin' it going while i'm in here.

469. So, you know, we're refocusing.

470. So, you know, no more terminal kids.

471. 'Cause from now on, we're just gonna work

472. With kids who have head colds,

473. Uh, influenza, the pinkeye,

474. You know, and no more unrealistic requests or celebrity meetings.

475. From now on,

476. We just ask the kid, "hey, what's something

477. That you wouldn't mind doing?"

478. ( Narrator ) 8 years of life got you tense?

479. Then try crazy devil kiddie massage cream.

480. Anyone between the ages zero and 8 will tell you,

481. That fun and games are hard on muscles.

482. Shoulders, calves, and all major "play points"

483. Can become a target for aches and pains.

484. That's why kids reach for the healing power

485. Of crazy devil kiddie massage cream.

486. Also great for you rattle-Weary babies.

487. Crazy devil penetrates layers of cute chub

488. To kill pain where it starts.

489. ( W just look for r ) the crazy devil

490. With the googly eyes!

491. Hello, i'm anders la vance, uh,

492. High priest of the first church of satan reformed,

493. St. Paul, minnesota.

494. Thank you all for coming.

495. The reason i've called this press conference is to say,

496. Enough! Stop it!

497. Thank you. Stop the savage

498. Character assassination of satan

499. That takes place at the hands of the media

500. And the marketplace.

501. Time and again,

502. Satan is portrayed as a bumbling boob...

503. A clown, a klutz, a loser.

504. Satan is dolled up,

505. Caricatured,

506. And turned into a cartoon to be laughed at.

507. No—

508. Please, please.

509. No other religious group has to put up with this.

510. He is my co-Pilot,

511. And i will not stand for it any longer.

512. Sorry.

513. Now, i'd like to introduce my partner

514. In this endeavor,

515. Archbishop truesdale

516. Of the chicago catholic archdiocese.

517. Tru,

518. You come out here.

519. Hello, everyone.

520. Hello, daniel, madeleine. Hello, how are you?

521. We are here to say, "enough."

522. Satan is no joke.

523. Hear, hear.

524. Yes.

525. This dumbing down of the devil's image

526. Has got to stop.

527. Absolutely.

528. Satan is to be feared and despised.

529. Now, why would i fear a silly character like this?

530. Why would i praise a silly character like this?

531. Ask yourself that, huh?

532. Yes, it's true. It's true.

533. We each have an interest in seeing evil incarnate

534. Represented in realistic terms.

535. Hail, satan.

536. Ang', i didn't step up when you—

537. Well, i was supporting—

538. Archbishop, is that a pentagram you're wearing?

539. Hmm?

540. Oh, yes, yes.

541. Um, yes.

542. Anders gave this to me for national friendship day.

543. And tru gave me a beautiful ostrich skin wallet.

544. So, you're friends?

545. Yes, yes.

546. Uh, i go to anders' house for—

547. For barbecues and toss-Abouts and

548. He comes over and he'll housesit for me.

549. Oh, by the way, i'm sorry about the mess last time.

550. I don't know what possessed me.

551. I have a lot of fun with that.

552. He's incorrigible, this one.

553. Stick around, you'll hear it— A lot.

554. Look at him go.

555. Did someone put a nickel in you?

556. Anyway,

557. The point is,

558. We are here to say,

559. ( Both ) "heaven and hell,

560. Together, we can do it!"

561. We're touring the country in a series of what we're calling

562. "Fun raisers."

563. It's a great way to remind people that the battle between good and evil continues.

564. All right, so if everybody's ready

565. Let's get sloppy.

566. Ha, ha! Are you 2 kids ready?

567. I hope you are because you're gonna have each other over for dinner.

568. Let's go through the menu, shall we?

569. First up, the soup du jour of the day.

570. Not in a cup, not in a bowl, but in these balloons.

571. It's gonna get sloppy!

572. And it should go great with what you're wearing.

573. Next up, dodge, parry, crust!

574. And old-Fashioned joust using these loaves of bread.

575. How about a little salad?

576. Hope you don't mind tossing your own...

577. With the salad-Zooka.

578. It's gonna get sloppy!

579. Then, it's the main course, a heapin' helpin' of sloppaghetti.

580. And mama mio, let's not forget that sauce.

581. Then we're gonna move on to desserts.

582. Splish, splash, you'll be takin' a bath

583. In this bath of strawberry mousse.

584. Neither god nor the devil

585. Could resist this neat, sweet-To-Eat dessert treat.

586. Are you guys ready?

587. Yeah.

588. ( All ) let's get sloppy!

589. ( Host ) all right, go to it boys!

590. Whoa! That soup is all over the place.

591. Looks like one for team pitchfork.

592. There they go, they are moving on from the soup.

593. Oh, here comes the bread.

594. Oh-Oh, oh-Oh! En garde, they say.

595. Mom told you not to play with your food.

596. Apparently she never saw our show.

597. You're going to get your vegetables!

598. Oh, boy, they are racking up the points!

599. There's goes the spaghetti.

600. They say it's good if it sticks to the wall.

601. I don't know what's gonna happen here.

602. Here—Oh!-- Sauce time!

603. Oh, boy! These are a couple of saucy wenches, i'll tell you that much.

604. Well, you boys have been very good.

605. Let's move on to dessert, you ate your dinner so good.

606. And they're in there. Don't stop now!

607. Keep goin', keep goin' !

608. Whoa! Whoa!

609. Whoa!

610. Well, they don't seem to be biting much, ang'.

611. Hmm.

612. Yeah, except for the mosquitoes.

613. You get me every time with that one.

614. Yes, i do.

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