1. Closed captions provided by
softitlerCopy !req
2. "Dear david,
congrats on
your big break.Copy !req
3. Love, bob."Copy !req
4. ( Laughing )Copy !req
5. Hey man, i think
we gotta do this.Copy !req
6. Well, i think, you're
totally overreacting.Copy !req
7. Guys, it's not
even an argument.Copy !req
8. This is why you have
an understudy,Copy !req
9. For situations
just like this.Copy !req
10. David, i can do this.
I am so ready.Copy !req
11. I--I think
he'll be great.Copy !req
12. The audience
is waiting.Copy !req
13. Ok, all right.Copy !req
14. Great.Copy !req
15. Kedzie, david, you
guys have a great
show. I'm outta here.Copy !req
16. You know, bob,
you really should
do your errandsCopy !req
17. Before the show.Copy !req
18. ( Audience laughing )Copy !req
19. ( Narrator )
tonight, the part
of bob odenkirkCopy !req
20. Will be played by
kedzie matthews,Copy !req
21. Winner of the san diego
red owl rye laff-QuestCopy !req
22. And college comic of the year,
southwest region, 1992.Copy !req
23. ( Audience cheering )Copy !req
24. ( Audience clapping )Copy !req
25. Hey everybody,
it's that newfangled
bob and david.Copy !req
26. ( Audience whistling )Copy !req
27. Hi, everyone.Copy !req
28. Hello.Copy !req
29. Hey, i'm david cross.Copy !req
30. I'm bob odenkirk.Copy !req
31. ( Audience laughing )Copy !req
32. Man, we got
a great show
tonight, bob.Copy !req
33. Oh, yeah, oh,
yeah, we sure do.Copy !req
34. All right. I know
what you're thinking.Copy !req
35. Hey, did steve mcgarrett
and don ho have a baby ?Copy !req
36. ( Audience laughing )Copy !req
37. I know, what the hell
was i thinking ?
I don't know.Copy !req
38. That's great, kedzie.Copy !req
39. It's not exactly
in the script, but...Copy !req
40. Oh !Copy !req
41. Oh, i'm sorry
i strayed from the
precious script, master.Copy !req
42. ( Audience laughing )Copy !req
43. Shall i ring the bells
as penance, master ?Copy !req
44. Bells are weird, huh ?
Think about bells.Copy !req
45. I mean,
alexander graham bell,Copy !req
46. What the hell was on his
answering machine, eh ?Copy !req
47. "To speak to the inventor,
press one now."Copy !req
48. Hey, riff, man, riff !Copy !req
49. All right.Copy !req
50. Ah ! Here i go.Copy !req
51. Hey, where'd you
get this audience ?
Look at these people.Copy !req
52. This is like dante's inferno
meets romper room.Copy !req
53. ( Audience laughing )Copy !req
54. I see weirdo, and freaky,
and nerdy and...Copy !req
55. I don't even want to
talk to this guy.Copy !req
56. ( Audience laughing )Copy !req
57. ( Cashier laughing )Copy !req
58. ( Cashier )
look at that.Copy !req
59. What the fuck !Copy !req
60. Move it !Copy !req
61. You see this guy
on the beach,
5:30 a.M. ?Copy !req
62. ( Making whirring sound )Copy !req
63. $1,500, so he can find
3 nickels.Copy !req
64. It's true !Copy !req
65. What's going on ?Copy !req
66. Uh-Oh ! Intruder
in sector 7.Copy !req
67. Danger, will robinson !Copy !req
68. Jesus, david.
I got to the...Copy !req
69. I go to the store
to get some eggsCopy !req
70. And you let this guy
take over the show ?Copy !req
71. Bob, this guy's hilarious.Copy !req
72. ( Audience laughing )Copy !req
73. Who is this guy ?
The eggman ?Copy !req
74. Pleased to meet you,
sir. I'm the walrus.Copy !req
75. How are ya ?Copy !req
76. ( Audience clapping )Copy !req
77. Quick impression:
paul mccartney sneezing...Copy !req
78. Coo, coo, coo, cachoo !Copy !req
79. ( All laughing )Copy !req
80. Mr. Show now
comes to you in...Copy !req
81. Egg-Vision !Copy !req
82. ( Bob )
ok, all right,
enough.Copy !req
83. Enough, all right ?Copy !req
84. You know what
i wanna know ?Copy !req
85. How come you got the cart
with the good wheel ?Copy !req
86. I go to the store, i always
get the cart with the wheel
that wants to go over here.Copy !req
87. Right, right !Copy !req
88. Jesus, david !Copy !req
89. Bob !Copy !req
90. ( Audience cheering )Copy !req
91. Bob, e-Everyone
loves him !Copy !req
92. Hey, you're fired.Copy !req
93. ( Audience laughing )Copy !req
94. Hey, you know what ?
I'm fired, too.
I love this guy !Copy !req
95. Kedzie, come
out here, man !Copy !req
96. ( Audience whooping )Copy !req
97. Hey, man, listen.
Hey, go !Copy !req
98. Free associate !
Have a stream-Of-
Consciousness ! Do it !Copy !req
99. All right. The comedian
is being let loose
into the wildCopy !req
100. To go habitate with
the wily audience.Copy !req
101. It's like wild kingdom
around here,Copy !req
102. You know
what i mean ?Copy !req
103. This guy sucks !Copy !req
104. None of these people
seem to think so.Copy !req
105. I don't care, i'm
funnier than he is.Copy !req
106. Oh, yeah ? If you're so
funny, how come you don't
have your own show ?Copy !req
107. I did until
you fired me !Copy !req
108. Well, i just don't
think he's so great.Copy !req
109. He makes more money
than you do.Copy !req
110. ( Man )
that's right, bob.
Listen to your friend.Copy !req
111. A person who makes more money
than you is better than you,Copy !req
112. And therefore
beyond criticism.Copy !req
113. This is called
the worthington law,Copy !req
114. And it's used to gauge
the value of human worth.Copy !req
115. Carl espick,
economist and editor
of value magazine...Copy !req
116. Yeah, that's right.
So, what do you think ?Copy !req
117. Ah ! Wrong !Copy !req
118. Whatever you were gonna
say doesn't matter because
i make more money than you.Copy !req
119. That's if you're 80 percent
of the public.
So, i'm right !Copy !req
120. Each year, value magazine
ranks the 500 best people
in the history of the world.Copy !req
121. Did you know that,
according to
worthington's law,Copy !req
122. The opera singer
who called himselfCopy !req
123. "The great caruso"
was nowhere near as greatCopy !req
124. As sammy hagar,
the red rocker ?Copy !req
125. So shut up, caruso !Copy !req
126. Hey ! Who's better than
saint francis of assisi ?Copy !req
127. Well, how about, uh,
darryl strawberry ?Copy !req
128. See ya later,
saint frannie,
ya schmuck.Copy !req
129. Hey, guess who's better
than van gogh ?Copy !req
130. Let's see, after adjusting
for inflation...Copy !req
131. Almost everybody.
He made nothing !Copy !req
132. So that means that i'm
better than van gogh and
galileo put together.Copy !req
133. And i'm better
than you, brainiac.Copy !req
134. In 1995, steve peters
had no money.Copy !req
135. He was a public
school teacher,Copy !req
136. So his opinion
wasn't worth very much.Copy !req
137. But then, in 1996,
he won the lottery,
and he was a great man.Copy !req
138. Greater than einstein,
who made very little.Copy !req
139. But then, guess what this
genius-For-A-Day does.Copy !req
140. He goes and gives
his money to charity.Copy !req
141. Now he's about
as dumb as einstein.Copy !req
142. Way to go, einstein.Copy !req
143. So, read value magazine,
and get to know the 500
best people in the world.Copy !req
144. ( Announcer )
order now, and with
a one year subscription,Copy !req
145. You'll receive this
value magazine ranking
monkey absolutely free.Copy !req
146. He can tell you
where you rank.Copy !req
147. Just press his head,
and learn your
worth as a person.Copy !req
148. Beep, beep !Copy !req
149. You're now ranked
741,000,121.Copy !req
150. Beep, beep !Copy !req
151. I'm moving up.Copy !req
152. ( Intercom buzzing )Copy !req
153. Yes ?Copy !req
154. ( Secretary )
mr. Haversham ?Copy !req
155. Your siamese-Twin brother
is here to see you.Copy !req
156. You mean,
my ex-Siamese-Twin brother.Copy !req
157. Send him in.Copy !req
158. Ted. My man !Copy !req
159. Hey, ned. Long
time no see.Copy !req
160. Yeah, 6 months.Copy !req
161. Yup.Copy !req
162. Yup.Copy !req
163. So, face it,
bro, heh,Copy !req
164. This little experiment
does not seem to be
workin' out.Copy !req
165. It's working for me !Copy !req
166. I love being separated.Copy !req
167. I've got my own
office, my own job,Copy !req
168. My own apartment,
my own bed. What ?Copy !req
169. Bro, it's our
old pants !Copy !req
170. Oh, ned.Copy !req
171. Ted...Copy !req
172. Man, don't you remember
how mom used to sayCopy !req
173. That we were attached
because god never
wanted us to be apart ?Copy !req
174. Remember, she
used to call usCopy !req
175. "2 for one."Copy !req
176. Forget it. There's no way
i'm getting re-Attached.Copy !req
177. Face it, ted,
things aren't as
great, you know ?Copy !req
178. I mean, not since we
used to work together,
and we used to--Copy !req
179. No !Copy !req
180. I worked. You sat on
my ass and did nothing.Copy !req
181. Fine.Copy !req
182. You know, you
can cut me off,Copy !req
183. But you can't cut
off the memories.Copy !req
184. I'll be honest with you, ned.
I am gonna get re-Attached.Copy !req
185. Oh, that's great !Copy !req
186. But not to you.Copy !req
187. To john werster
in marketing.Copy !req
188. You bastard !Copy !req
189. I'm sorry !Copy !req
190. The last thing
i wanted to do was get
re-Attached to anybody,Copy !req
191. But we met
at the company picnic,
during the 3-Legged race,Copy !req
192. And we're
perfect together.Copy !req
193. ( Knocking on door )Copy !req
194. I'm sorry !Copy !req
195. Ted, i...Copy !req
196. John !Copy !req
197. That's him,
isn't it ?Copy !req
198. Ted, i need
to talk to you.Copy !req
199. Uh, now's not
a good time.Copy !req
200. It's important, ted.Copy !req
201. Oh !Copy !req
202. This is
keith dunlop.Copy !req
203. Hi.Copy !req
204. You bastard !Copy !req
205. What do you say, bro ?Copy !req
206. ( Doctor )
mr. Haversham.Copy !req
207. Mr. Haversham !Copy !req
208. Doctor, how did it go ?Copy !req
209. The re-Attachment
was a success.Copy !req
210. However, there
were complications.Copy !req
211. I wish there were an
easy way to say this...Copy !req
212. Your brother died.Copy !req
213. No !Copy !req
214. There's got to be
a better way.Copy !req
215. ( Announcer )
do you hate
giving bad news ?Copy !req
216. Then why not reach for
the bad news breakers ?Copy !req
217. Mrs. Montgomery ?Copy !req
218. We got your
tests back, and...Copy !req
219. What is it, doctor ?Copy !req
220. Girls ?Copy !req
221. ( Both )
you'll never walk again.Copy !req
222. Well, thank you
for telling me.Copy !req
223. ( Mrs. Montgomery )
they are darling.Copy !req
224. ( Announcer )
nobody likes to get
or give bad news,Copy !req
225. But let's face it,
sometimes you have no choice.Copy !req
226. ( Both )
your wife is
cheating on you.Copy !req
227. Aw, who wants
ice cream ?Copy !req
228. ( Both )
the house is surrounded.
Come out with your hands up.Copy !req
229. Where are they ?
Where are the
little sweetie-Pies ?Copy !req
230. Where are you ? I've
got milk and cookies.Copy !req
231. Oh, look ! There you are !
Oh, good, you're just how i--Copy !req
232. The bad news breakers are
perfect for any occasion.Copy !req
233. ( Both )
there were no survivors.Copy !req
234. ( Cameras clicking )Copy !req
235. ( Both )
ready...Copy !req
236. Aim, fire !Copy !req
237. Turn a frown upsey-Daisy,
with the bad news breakers.Copy !req
238. ( Both )
vito benvitucci
sleeps with the fishes.Copy !req
239. Hey, ain't you two
dolls ? Run along, now.Copy !req
240. Hey, what's
that, boss ?Copy !req
241. Ah, they got vito.Copy !req
242. So, alls i'm
sayin' is 24.Copy !req
243. What about 24 ?Copy !req
244. That's it. That's
the highest number.Copy !req
245. 24 ?Copy !req
246. That's it. Where're you
gonna go from there ?Copy !req
247. Yeah, yeah. 24.
Forget about it.Copy !req
248. That's vongole.
What about 18 ?Copy !req
249. Yeah, 18. Now that's
the biggest number.Copy !req
250. No, 24 is
the highest number.Copy !req
251. Look, ya got 10,
then ya got 10 more,
then it's like...Copy !req
252. What's this ? 4 more.
24. Forget about it.Copy !req
253. Yeah, but 18.Copy !req
254. Look, look.
Count with me
here, all right ?Copy !req
255. Ok. Ya got one, right ?
Ok, then ya got 2, right ?Copy !req
256. Then there's 3, ok ?
Oh, then here comes 4--Copy !req
257. Shut up ! Quit
your counting !Copy !req
258. You're a bunch
of cajoles .Copy !req
259. I'm trying to read the
damn racing form, here.Copy !req
260. 24 is the highest number,
and that's it. Let it go.Copy !req
261. Sorry, boss.Copy !req
262. Yeah, sorry.Copy !req
263. I am sorry, don corelli,
that i said 18.Copy !req
264. I forgot about 19.Copy !req
265. And 20.Copy !req
266. And 21.Copy !req
267. And 22--Copy !req
268. Shut up, here !Copy !req
269. 24 is the highest.
That's it, all right ?Copy !req
270. Sorry.Copy !req
271. ( Knocking on door )Copy !req
272. Oh, hey, boss.
Here's them cannolis
you wanted.Copy !req
273. It's, uh, $25.Copy !req
274. Here you go.Copy !req
275. Keep the change, kid.Copy !req
276. Um, what...Copy !req
277. What did ya
give him, boss ?Copy !req
278. Nothin'.
It doesn't matter.Copy !req
279. I gave him 30.Copy !req
280. 30 !Copy !req
281. What about 30 ?Copy !req
282. Well, it's higher than
24 by, like, 5 or 6.Copy !req
283. Yeah, yeah ! 30.
Forget about it.Copy !req
284. Hey, 30 ?
What about 31 ?Copy !req
285. Jimmy, you stay
the hell outta this,
and stir that sauce.Copy !req
286. I'm stirrin',
i'm stirrin'.Copy !req
287. Well, how about 32 ?Copy !req
288. I'm warnin' you.Copy !req
289. I just gotta
say it, boss. 33.Copy !req
290. Goddammit !Copy !req
291. The next one of you fullatos
that adds a number
to another numberCopy !req
292. Is gonna hear
it from my .45.Copy !req
293. 46 is bigger, boss.Copy !req
294. What ?Copy !req
295. 46 is all i'm
sayin', boss.Copy !req
296. Frankie, why you
do this to me, huh ?Copy !req
297. I'm godfather to your
nephew, for christ's sake.Copy !req
298. Well, you said 45.Copy !req
299. And 46 is bigger.
It's one more.Copy !req
300. Come here.Copy !req
301. ( Sniffing )Copy !req
302. Come here.Copy !req
303. Hey, 47 !Copy !req
304. I'll deal wit'
you in a minute !Copy !req
305. Listen,
who's your
papazola, eh ?Copy !req
306. You, boss !Copy !req
307. At your wedding,
who covered your
begenzo, huh ?Copy !req
308. You did, boss !Copy !req
309. Yeah. Now, i want
you to answer meCopy !req
310. From here,
from your heart.Copy !req
311. What's the
highest number ?Copy !req
312. I don't know !Copy !req
313. I'm so
confused anymore !Copy !req
314. Danny said 47,
and i--Copy !req
315. Danny's dead.Copy !req
316. I'm right here, boss.Copy !req
317. Oh, jesus !
Oh, jesus !Copy !req
318. Boss, you shot Danny!Copy !req
319. He was only 49!Copy !req
320. Hey, 49 !Copy !req
321. ( Audience laughing )Copy !req
322. ( Stammering )Copy !req
323. You shot danny, and
frankie, and jimmy !Copy !req
324. Yeah, that's right.Copy !req
325. Boss, they was
only adding numbersCopy !req
326. To other numbers !Copy !req
327. Boss, nobody
cares, boss !Copy !req
328. Nobody cares !
There's a million
people out there, oh--Copy !req
329. What did you say ?Copy !req
330. I--There--There's...Copy !req
331. 24 people out there
who don't care.Copy !req
332. You are my son.Copy !req
333. Here.Copy !req
334. I want you
to go out thereCopy !req
335. And i want you to make sure
that everybody knowsCopy !req
336. That 24 is the highest
number there is.Copy !req
337. I don't wanna hear
no more argumentsCopy !req
338. About it nowhere.Copy !req
339. Yeah, sure, boss.Copy !req
340. Ah...Copy !req
341. ( Whimpering )Copy !req
342. I am 24-Years-Old.Copy !req
343. Science has ascertained that
there may be as many as...Copy !req
344. 24 stars in the cosmos.Copy !req
345. To say we killed
24 jewsCopy !req
346. Is an exaggeration.Copy !req
347. ( Announcer )
the answer to tonight'sCopy !req
348. "Guess the attendance"
contest is...Copy !req
349. 24.Copy !req
350. Another sold-Out crowd.Copy !req
351. ( Band playing )Copy !req
352. ( Salini )
ah, marching band music.Copy !req
353. Was there ever such
a glorious expression
of man's soul ?Copy !req
354. A tempestuous siren
who called to me.Copy !req
355. But, lo,Copy !req
356. Did i possess the brilliance
to tame her ?Copy !req
357. The brilliance of
a john baptiste philouza,Copy !req
358. The impudent boy geniusCopy !req
359. Who was both my mentorCopy !req
360. And my tormentor ?Copy !req
361. ( Woman )
sal ?Copy !req
362. Salini, i think
my time is here.Copy !req
363. No ! You hold
that baby in !Copy !req
364. He needs all 9 monthsCopy !req
365. To develop good lungs,
and--And fingers.Copy !req
366. He will be a woodwind.Copy !req
367. The devil it will !Copy !req
368. Woman, you will bear
me a marching band !Copy !req
369. I'm trying !Copy !req
370. Bah !Copy !req
371. All you give me
are drummers !Copy !req
372. ( Clattering )Copy !req
373. ( Grunting )Copy !req
374. I'm going to
the general storeCopy !req
375. For a phosphate.Copy !req
376. ( Salini )
but bicarbonates
and creamed iceCopy !req
377. Were merely a distraction.Copy !req
378. I needed a melody.Copy !req
379. For in 2 days,
hilford hanson,Copy !req
380. The eleventy-12th
president of
the united states,Copy !req
381. Was to hold
a marching band competition.Copy !req
382. Suddenly the wellsprings
gushed forth !Copy !req
383. ( Trumpeting )Copy !req
384. ( Hissing )Copy !req
385. ( Trumpeting )Copy !req
386. ( Both )
philouza !Copy !req
387. Oh, hi ! Hi,
ladies ! Hi !Copy !req
388. ( Salini )
but, lo,
'twas not from me.Copy !req
389. Rather it sprangCopy !req
390. From that amorous
rogue, philouza.Copy !req
391. Hey, sally, what's up ?Copy !req
392. Philouza, hello.
Hello, ladies. I--Copy !req
393. What was that melody
you were humming
a moment ago ?Copy !req
394. I don't know.
Nothin'.Copy !req
395. Why ?Copy !req
396. I...Copy !req
397. Wrote it down in
case you wanted it.Copy !req
398. Why would i want
that old thing
when i can have this ?Copy !req
399. ( Making drumming sounds )Copy !req
400. ( Trumpeting )Copy !req
401. ( Salini )
john baptiste philouza's musicCopy !req
402. Revealed a world of
unimaginable beauty.Copy !req
403. Was this god and
the angels conversing ?Copy !req
404. Or was it the devil ?Copy !req
405. Or was it god and the devilCopy !req
406. Interrupting each other ?Copy !req
407. * boom, chh-Ch-Chhh *Copy !req
408. * boom, chh-Ch-ChhhCopy !req
409. * a-Boom, chh-Ch-ChhhCopy !req
410. ( Trumpeting )Copy !req
411. ( Salini )
alas, i would never
be what he was,Copy !req
412. For i was haunted
all my life...Copy !req
413. By mediocrity.Copy !req
414. ( Gasping )Copy !req
415. Oh, hey, salini.Copy !req
416. Hey, i decided
to apply myself.Copy !req
417. I entered that
"president's marching
band song" thing.Copy !req
418. What are you
made of, philouza ?Copy !req
419. ( Woman )
philouza !Copy !req
420. Philouza !Copy !req
421. Not tonight, rebecca,
for i have work to do !Copy !req
422. Oh, come now, philouza.Copy !req
423. The lady wants
to see you.Copy !req
424. She wants to
see everybody.Copy !req
425. Oh, but, how
can you resistCopy !req
426. Those fine wrists ?Copy !req
427. That bit of neckCopy !req
428. That is sort
of showing ?Copy !req
429. And those delectably
thick pantaloonsCopy !req
430. That are just under
her underskirt ?Copy !req
431. Philouza !Copy !req
432. Yeah.Copy !req
433. Have you a penny ?Copy !req
434. Well...Copy !req
435. Here's a nickel.Copy !req
436. Take the whole night.Copy !req
437. And have some of
that new-Fashioned
peanut brickle,Copy !req
438. On me !Copy !req
439. ( Clattering )Copy !req
440. Hmm.Copy !req
441. ( Band playing )Copy !req
442. ( All clapping )Copy !req
443. Well, mr. Salini, that
was fine. Just fine.Copy !req
444. Uh, what do you
call it, again ?Copy !req
445. It is called "messiah's
passion fanfare no. 4Copy !req
446. For tubas and flutes."Copy !req
447. Ah, yes.Copy !req
448. Well, now i look forwardCopy !req
449. To hearing
mr. Philouza's march,Copy !req
450. If he should
ever show himself.Copy !req
451. Well, i'm afraid if
we wait any longer,Copy !req
452. The century will have
finished turning !Copy !req
453. Oh, there's philouza !Copy !req
454. ( All murmuring )Copy !req
455. I'm sorry i'm late,
president hanson.Copy !req
456. Much apologies, sir.Copy !req
457. A little too much
sarsaparilla ?Copy !req
458. ( All laughing )Copy !req
459. Oh, this will never work.Copy !req
460. These are all out of order !Copy !req
461. What's wrong,
philouza ?Copy !req
462. A few too many of
mr. Graham's crackers ?Copy !req
463. ( Coughing )Copy !req
464. ( Laughing )Copy !req
465. Well, philouza ?
Come on !Copy !req
466. Oh ! It--Copy !req
467. ( Sputtering )Copy !req
468. ( Trumpeting )Copy !req
469. ( Band playing )Copy !req
470. ( All clapping )Copy !req
471. Bravo ! Bravo !Copy !req
472. I just threw it together !Copy !req
473. Philouza,Copy !req
474. That was magnificent.Copy !req
475. You truly are the winner.Copy !req
476. Mr. Salini,Copy !req
477. I believe that i'm
the eleventy-12th
president, here.Copy !req
478. Mr. Philouza's marchCopy !req
479. Was inspired
and brilliant.Copy !req
480. Too brilliant.Copy !req
481. You see,
brilliance upsets people.Copy !req
482. It makes them feel inferior.Copy !req
483. Better that
they should make doCopy !req
484. With mr. Salini's
blustery hooplah.Copy !req
485. The prize is yours.Copy !req
486. ( All clapping )Copy !req
487. ( People whistling )Copy !req
488. ( Salini )
my dream had come true,Copy !req
489. But at the cost of knowing
that i was mediocre.Copy !req
490. And while
future generationsCopy !req
491. Might discover
philouza's brillianceCopy !req
492. And weep at its beauty,Copy !req
493. I had a specialist
remove my tear ducts,Copy !req
494. So that
i would never again.Copy !req
495. ( Band music playing )Copy !req
496. ( Audience clapping )Copy !req
497. So you see, fellas,
what happensCopy !req
498. When you choose
mediocrityCopy !req
499. Over originality.Copy !req
500. So, that's why kedzie
became so popular, huh ?Copy !req
501. What ? 'Cause
he's mediocre ?Copy !req
502. Yeah.Copy !req
503. No, no, no !Copy !req
504. It's because
he's hilarious !Copy !req
505. Ha-Ha !
I love this guy !Copy !req
506. He's like bram stoker's
lincoln, right ?Copy !req
507. Ingmar bergman
meets beetlejuice !Copy !req
508. ( Audience laughing )Copy !req
509. Hey, you know
what pisses me off ?Copy !req
510. You know what
pisses me off ?Copy !req
511. Directions on cans of soup.Copy !req
512. Do we really need this ?Copy !req
513. "Empty contents
into saucepan."Copy !req
514. No shit ? I was just
gonna open the canCopy !req
515. And pour it right
down my throat.Copy !req
516. ( Audience laughing )Copy !req
517. Don't you think star wars
would've been betterCopy !req
518. If popeye the sailor
was in it ?Copy !req
519. Wouldn't that have
been a better movie ?Copy !req
520. "Alls ya gots ta do
is use the force !"Copy !req
521. ( Cackling )Copy !req
522. Come on !Copy !req
523. Why didn't george lucas
put popeye in that movie ?Copy !req
524. What if obi-Wan kenobi
was a jewish guy ?Copy !req
525. "Use the foreskin, luke.
Use the foreskin."Copy !req
526. I don't know.Copy !req
527. Why do women take
so long to get ready ?Copy !req
528. ( Audience laughing )Copy !req
529. What the hell is this ?Copy !req
530. My wife can be
in the bathroom
for 3 hours.Copy !req
531. She comes out,
she looks the same
as when she went in.Copy !req
532. Let's talk about
you, now.Copy !req
533. Tell me whatever
is on your mind.Copy !req
534. Cat's are weird. Where
are the cat owners ?Copy !req
535. Who are you
talking to, kedzie ?Copy !req
536. Get off of the couch,
ok ? You're shedding.Copy !req
537. Hey, how about bob vila ?
You ever seen this guy?Copy !req
538. This old house.
How about the real
world, all right ?Copy !req
539. This week,
mrs. Vila gets half
of this old houseCopy !req
540. In this old
divorce, come on.Copy !req
541. Who are these people ?Copy !req
542. Closed captions provided by
softitlerCopy !req