Mr. Show with Bob and David 3x6

1. Closed captions provided by softitler

2. You touch-A my car, i break-A your face.

3. It's bob and david.

4. Hey, thank you very much.

5. All right, hey!

6. Thanks, good to see ya.

7. Oh.

8. Oh, you guys, we got such a great show tonight.

9. What an exciting show, and it's truly special for david and i,

10. Because both of our families are here tonight.

11. Hey, bob.

12. What- Can we- Shouldn't we- Let's introduce them.

13. Oh, ok. You want to see them?

14. Yeah. All right.

15. Say hi to my family over here.

16. This is my mom, my dad, my sister and my brother.

17. What's up, guys. Thanks for coming down.

18. Jeez, david, what happened?

19. Hmm? Oh, you mean...

20. Oh, i-I-I got all the recessive genes.

21. I mean all of them.

22. Yeah.

23. Well, this is my family, uh...

24. My mom, my sis, my grandpa, timmy, hi.

25. Whoa, whoa, whoa!

26. Wait a second.

27. Bob,

28. You never told me your grandpa timmy was elderly.

29. Yeah, so?

30. That means you're part old. You're not pure.

31. What?

32. It's in your blood, you're one-Quarter old.

33. So what if i'm part old?

34. Man, haven't you heard about the coming age war?

35. Here, read nathaniel justin's pamphlet.

36. Preparing for the coming war with the elderly."

37. "54 percent, 1982, rump roast."

38. It all makes sense.

39. The oldies are not goodies.

40. Yeah, we have to prepare.

41. Youth is truth.

42. I wish "old" rhymed with "lies."

43. Youth...

44. Boys, boys.

45. Old people don't want to take over the world. That's silly.

46. I mean, we're- We're weak, we're feeble.

47. False teeth speak false truths, bob.

48. Bobby?

49. I- I saw something printed. I can't trust you.

50. Well, look here. Wh-

51. Look. Ice cream money.

52. Ice cream!

53. No, bob, don't-

54. Let's face it, folks,

55. Would a world run by old people be such a bad thing?

56. It would certainly be more peaceful.

57. Clothing styles might change,

58. But people would be more polite.

59. See you later, dear. Good-Bye, dear.

60. Bye, dear.

61. There would be bowls of hard candy at every corner.

62. And whether you walked or drove,

63. You'd get to your destination at the same time.

64. Every morning, at 6:30 a.M.,

65. Everyone would wake up.

66. Start your day, don't sleep your life away.

67. And testicular electrocution would be administered

68. To all those who get into monkeyshine.

69. I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice pops.

70. Tooter's ice pops. Made with real cream.

71. Bills! Bills! Bills! Bills! Bills!

72. Honey, could you turn down the t.V.?

73. Oh, i'm sorry.

74. You know how the commercials are always louder than the programs. Heh, heh.

75. Honey, are- Are you ok?

76. You seem kind of distracted.

77. I'm fine, i'm fine. Everything's fine.

78. Is everything ok with you?

79. Oh, me? Yeah. Yeah, everything is...

80. Yeah? 'Cause you seem a little...

81. Everything's fine. Ok.

82. Hello?

83. Uh...

84. Hello, yeah, um, mmm-Hmm.

85. Uh, let me check.

86. It's the neighbors. They want to know if we have any...

87. Chutney.

88. What are you doing?

89. I told you never to call me here.

90. What?

91. No! Don't you dare come over here. Don't you-

92. Hello? Hello?

93. So, are they coming over for the chutney?

94. Uh, no.

95. Uh, we're all out.

96. Are you kidding me? I just bought a ton of it at the price club.

97. Uh, but i just thought, uh...

98. What is chutney again?

99. A kind of sauce?

100. I'll get it. I got it.

101. Hello?

102. Oh, oh, yeah, hold-

103. It's the neighbors. They're calling back about the chutney.

104. Yeah, i told her.

105. I just bought a ton of it at the price club.

106. Heh, heh. Yeah, um...

107. What are you doing? I told you never to call me here.

108. Listen to me. I'm here with my wife. You - Hello?

109. Oh.

110. Uh, they found their own chutney right after they hung up with you.

111. So, that's that.

112. So that call was about chutney?

113. Yeah.

114. No. Yes!

115. Is that- You said chutney, right?

116. Oh, yeah.

117. Yeah. Yeah.

118. I said chutney.

119. That's what it was.

120. I definitely said chutney. Chutney.

121. Oh, no!

122. I'm sorry, i just had to see you.

123. I told you never to come here.

124. Look.

125. We have to talk.

126. Wait a minute.

127. Chris, you know lee?

128. No more lies, tracy.

129. I've been having an affair with lee.

130. This is so funny.

131. Hey, wait a second.

132. Stop it, stop laughing. Listen.

133. This is...

134. This is hard. I...

135. I love you.

136. And i love- Wait, me or her?

137. Oh, both of you. I...

138. Look, i know this seems crazy-

139. That was a great movie, todd.

140. Yeah.

141. Lee!

142. You know lee?

143. You know lee?

144. You know lee?

145. You know lee?

146. I thought i'd never see you again.

147. We're supposed to go out tomorrow.

148. No, no, i meant todd.

149. Lee, my daughter!

150. I'm trying to take a nap!

151. Lee! Oh, heavens!

152. Hi, hi, nana mccrudden.

153. Jesus, lee!

154. Look, i'm sorry. I have something to tell all of you.

155. Oh, sweet gerald.

156. That's almost everybody,

157. So i'll begin.

158. Look, please, sit down.

159. I've been seeing another family.

160. What?

161. I'm sorry. I-I didn't want anybody to get hurt.

162. Especially not great aunt margery, who...

163. Who couldn't be here, but...

164. I have to do what's right for me.

165. It's funny.

166. You'd like them. They're actually a lot like you.

167. So, it's over, just like that?

168. It's best this way. You'll see.

169. Lee, we just came from the doctor. We're pregnant.

170. Lee!

171. I trust you'll do the honorable thing.

172. Hello.

173. Excuse me.

174. What?

175. Uh, do you work here?

176. Yeah. I said, "what?"

177. Ok.

178. I'd like to see my photos, please.

179. Oh.

180. They're under the name, "the national aeronautic-"

181. Yeah, yeah. Space pictures.

182. How do you know?

183. Did you look at them?

184. That's not our policy.

185. These have chocolate fingerprints on them.

186. What kind of film did you use?

187. I am not paying for these.

188. Touche.

189. These are the latest pictures from the mars probe,

190. Nasa's most recent triumph in space.

191. The mercury project,

192. The apollo missions,

193. And the mars probe.

194. Now, nasa embarks on its most daring and exciting project yet.

195. Thank you very much. We have an announcement to make.

196. Uh, on july 4th of this year,

197. America will blow up the moon.

198. We have the technology.

199. The time is now.

200. Science can wait no longer.

201. Children are our future.

202. America can, should, must, and will blow up the moon.

203. Yes, and we'll be doing it during a full moon,

204. So we make sure we get it all.

205. Blowing up the moon fever has gripped the entire country,

206. Including the president himself, guy whitey corngood.

207. Let's do this.

208. We are just ecstatic, our whole family.

209. We're gonna have a party and watch the moon blow up.

210. I'm gonna to bake a cake in the shape of the moon blowing up.

211. No more moon!

212. When i was a boy,

213. Blowing up the moon was just a beautiful dream.

214. Now it's science fact.

215. This is the moon blowing up,

216. And this is me smiling.

217. Oh, i've been saying we should do this for years.

218. I walked on the moon. I, uh,

219. Did a pushup, ate an egg on it.

220. What else can you do with it?

221. "Exploder one" will carry enough dynamite

222. And nuclear charges to blow up the moon 50 times over.

223. The president himself will announce the rocket's countdown.

224. Get ready.

225. Once the ship is in space,

226. Galileo, the great-Grandson of ulysses,

227. The first monkey to travel in space, will push the launch button.

228. And grace flicks, the olympic gold medal high diver,

229. Will do a difficult triple aerial pike

230. To signal that the mission has been a success.

231. We're ahead of schedule,

232. Uh, way ahead of schedule, but we're having fun.

233. Ken, here, is talking to galileo. The monkey knows sign language.

234. And, uh...

235. What? What's funny?

236. Uh, galileo just asked why.

237. He said, "why are you blowing up the moon?"

238. Yeah.

239. Controversy, and america reacts.

240. The monkey sure took the fun out of everything.

241. Yeah, we have this whole party planned.

242. Well, there isn't going to be any party now.

243. We think the monkey is 100 percent right.

244. We're spending so much money, millions of dollars to blow up the moon,

245. When there's so much right here on earth to blow up.

246. Uh, mount everest, the north pole, etcetera.

247. We're earthlings, let's blow up earth things.

248. We're earthlings, let's blow up earth things.

249. When all seems lost, the country's top minds

250. Come up with a last-Minute solution.

251. We're replacing galileo, the monkey,

252. With mr. Wiggles, the monkey.

253. Uh, mr. Wiggles comes to us from the circus.

254. He does tricks and most importantly,

255. He doesn't know any sign language.

256. He'll do the job, no questions asked.

257. Tonight, we will blow up the moon.

258. Hey, they did it, sir.

259. What?

260. They blew up the moon.

261. Is that an idea?

262. No.

263. You're all pathetic.

264. You haven't come up with one idea

265. That my 8-Year-Old daughter couldn't come up with.

266. You call yourselves junior executives?

267. You're senior jackasses!

268. Can i say something, boss?

269. It better be an idea.

270. Yeah, it is, sir.

271. Here's my idea.

272. How about instead of you sitting on your big, fat ass

273. And bitching like a spoiled brat,

274. You actually chip in and help?

275. I can't believe what i'm hearing.

276. Siminson,

277. You can just go to your office and clean out your desk,

278. 'Cause you're movin' up to the top floor. You're my new vice-President.

279. What? You've got spunk.

280. You mean it? You betcha!

281. Uh, uh, i-I agree with siminson, sir.

282. This is clearly not the best way to get work done.

283. Oh, yeah? Well, you're fired.

284. Huh? No.

285. No, i just meant what he said-

286. Sir, this is crazy. You can't fire him for that.

287. You dare to question my judgment in front of all these people?

288. That takes guts, peabody.

289. I'm giving you a raise and that corner office you've been askin' for.

290. What? Wait.

291. Wait, so...

292. You're giving him a promotion for-

293. Shut up, you don't exist.

294. Hey, you can't talk to him like that.

295. You're right.

296. I could use a guy like you to kick my ass every once in a while.

297. I'm giving you a promotion.

298. What the fuck?

299. Wha...

300. Why are you firing me and giving these guys promotions?

301. I could use a guy like you...

302. As an example! You're still fired!

303. Sorry, man. That's bullshit.

304. I heard that. You're right, it's bullshit. I'm promoting you.

305. Again? Yes!

306. Cool!

307. You know, sir, you already promoted him-

308. Are you telling me how to run my business?

309. You're fired.

310. Oh, fuck you.

311. Amen. Re-Hired.

312. Wait, wait, but, sir, this isn't fair.

313. "Wait, uh, but, sir, this isn't fair."

314. That's you. Still fired!

315. Well, i'm glad i'm fired!

316. Because, uh...

317. Because this company is run by a lunatic.

318. You've got guts...

319. The guts of a man who's fired.

320. Fine, man.

321. I'm outta here. That's fine. You know,

322. You need help and i-I really hope you get it.

323. Wait, don't go.

324. Now, go. You're fired.

325. Asshole!

326. Still fired.

327. Oh!

328. Now, ahem, who wants a car?

329. Oh! I would like one.

330. Shiny, new car.

331. Um, uh, this is wrong.

332. This is wrong and i'm not afraid to say it...

333. Fired!

334. Oh!

335. This is bullshit!

336. Have you been fired, mistreated,

337. Or injured on the job?

338. If so, call my offices.

339. Hi, i'm don pratt,

340. And i want to help you with anything.

341. I can do chores,

342. Listen to your stories or just mess around with you.

343. We can rent a video, clean out a backroom,

344. Or act out the lyrics to popular songs on the radio.

345. I'll do anything with you, that you want, that is legally allowed.

346. Listen to what this guy has to say.

347. I'd been in an auto accident,

348. And i saw don pratt's ad on t.V.

349. I called him up,

350. And he came over and we watched t.V. Together.

351. And then he went out and bought us some sandwiches.

352. I thought he was a lawyer.

353. Pratt promise number one:

354. I am not a lawyer.

355. So you don't have to worry about me hangin' out at an office,

356. Or boring you with stories from work.

357. I live with my mother,

358. And i can get anywhere within a 30-Mile radius

359. Anytime she doesn't need the car.

360. I got fired from my job and called don pratt at 11:00 in the morning.

361. By 11:30 he was at my house.

362. We went to lunch and he told me the plot to star trek 6.

363. He didn't hit on me, but i was afraid he was going to.

364. I am not interested in a sexual relationship,

365. Nor a long-Term one.

366. That's pratt promise number 2:

367. Positively no sex.

368. I am just there to hang out with you

369. For as long as you want.

370. I called don pratt and he came over

371. And stayed around for the whole weekend.

372. He helped me weed my garden.

373. He read magazines one afternoon.

374. I thought he'd gone home.

375. One night, at dinner,

376. He started acting out song lyrics from the radio,

377. And that was funny.

378. He's funny-Lookin'.

379. We were just about to ask him to leave,

380. But, uh, he had- He'd already gone.

381. Pratt promise number 3:

382. You don't have to ask me to leave. I get the message.

383. Remember the 3 promises.

384. I am not a lawyer,

385. I won't try to have sex with you,

386. And i will leave when things get uncomfortable.

387. Beware of other people who make these promises.

388. They either want to have sex with you,

389. Or they're a lawyer.

390. Call me now, i'm at home right now.

391. The offices of don pratt do not exist.

392. Call him now. If his mother answers, hang up quickly.

393. There is no charge for his services.

394. You're watching 70s movie classics

395. With your host, kennard finneran.

396. Hello.

397. Tonight we are proud to showcase the work of the director,

398. Famous mortimer,

399. Truly a director of his time,

400. The 1970s.

401. His first major film

402. Was inspired by the then slightly popular fad of streaking.

403. It is entitled, bare ambition.

404. In this first scene,

405. The young hero, jimmy montello, returns home

406. After successfully streaking a high-School football game.

407. Let's take a look.

408. Hey, pop.

409. Jimmy,

410. You was out there streaking again, wasn't you?

411. Oh, pop, you should have seen me. It was a great streak.

412. You would've been proud.

413. I slave 12 hours a day making pepper

414. To put clothes on your back

415. So you can go out, taking them off?

416. But, pop, mom always said i should try for my-

417. Don't talk about your mother without your clothes on.

418. I ain't gonna spend my life stinking of pepper.

419. I'm gonna be the best, you'll see!

420. Oh, god.

421. A chilling moment.

422. In this next clip,

423. Jimmy heads off to the local streaking bar

424. To talk streaker talk with his streaker friends.

425. It's here he meets his nemesis,

426. A ruthless streaker by the name of coco robins.

427. Hey, jimmy.

428. Hey, good streak tonight.

429. Hey, jim, that streak was out-Of-Sight.

430. Yeah, that was totally nude, dude.

431. You sure slapped some meat in their eyes, jimmy.

432. Yeah, it was all right.

433. Hey, jimmy, isn't that coco robins?

434. Yeah.

435. He's the number one streaker in the country.

436. Jimmy, i think he wants you.

437. Yeah. Maybe he wants some advice.

438. All right, sandy. That's enough.

439. Listen, kid, i'm the only streaker in this town.

440. I better not catch you streaking when i'm streaking. You hear?

441. You'll see.

442. Yeah, everyone will see...

443. Me.

444. Now put your clothes on.

445. No!

446. Put 'em on.

447. Ooh, la, la!

448. Hey, hey, come on. Let's get outta here.

449. Indeed.

450. The story continues with jimmy taking on coco

451. In the world's first olympic streaking competition.

452. They both lose to a man from kenya

453. Who is more comfortable with his nudity than they are.

454. In the end, the 2 become fast friends.

455. Now, for some reason, mortimer made a sequel to bare ambition.

456. It was shot over the course of the following weekend.

457. The sequel is set in the director's own vision of the future.

458. Jimmy and coco have now become world-Famous billionaire streakers,

459. And twin emperors of the unites states of meximericanada.

460. The film opened in 1978

461. In over 1000 theaters, and you are the first people to see it.

462. Here, now, a taste

463. Of streak-Dome '97.

464. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

465. All right, all right, listen to me, listen to me.

466. I can get you 100 streakers by christmas,

467. Or i can get you 10 streak bots by noon, thanksgiving.

468. Yeah, well they are robots,

469. But each one does the work of 100 streakers.

470. All right, you got a deal.

471. Hey, coco, do you believe we've come this far?

472. Who would have thunk it, huh, jimmy?

473. Hey,

474. Did you read that terrorists have overtaken sector 5?

475. Yeah, they took pope stephanie the 12th as a hostage.

476. Oh, what the-

477. In accordance with the proclamation of senior potentate grandpa,

478. The elder, this establishment is shut down.

479. Officer, please.

480. Silence.

481. Yes, it's pretty ridiculous.

482. In the film, mortimer predicts

483. That the elderly would rise up and take over the world.

484. In fact, his paranoia was so great...

485. Grandpa timmy, bob!

486. David, listen to them, they mean business.

487. This show must be shut down

488. In accordance with the protocols of the elders of elders.

489. Article 17-"B":

490. All t.V. Must be nice

491. For the nice people.

492. Confiscate this equipment.

493. Testicular electrocution for all.

494. No. No.

495. No!

496. Well,

497. That's our show.

498. It will be different from now on, but we think you'll like it.

499. Closed captions provided by softitler