Mr. Show with Bob and David 3x5

1. Closed captions provided by softitler

2. Hello, sexies! It's bob and david!

3. What the hell!

4. All right. All right.

5. Wow!

6. Whoo! David, an audience!

7. That is the weirdest— Are you guys lost?

8. Y-You know, we're doing a sho—

9. This is great, 'cause we're doing a show here tonight.

10. Oh, man! This is great!

11. Hey, you guys showed up. Oh, man, excellent.

12. Perfect!

13. I'll tell you what, this show that we're about to do

14. Is gonna blow your ass to high heaven.

15. David, david, you know the rule.

16. Put a nickel in the swearing jar.

17. Oh, shoot.

18. Folks, we have a fun new rule, here at mr. Show.

19. Every time a cast member swears,

20. They have to put a nickel in the swearing jar.

21. The money goes to "swears for cares,"

22. A nonprofit organization

23. Committed to raising money through swearing.

24. So...

25. So, hopefully, we'll make a little difference.

26. A little fucking difference.

27. ( Announcer ) bob and david.

28. Raising money as part of the mr. Show t.V. Ministry family group.

29. And now, it's time for "swear to god"

30. With the reverend winton dupree.

31. I have a question, and i know you all have it, too.

32. What is up satan's ass?

33. All he wants to do is fuck us up, the dick-Licker.

34. Now, the lord said,

35. "I am the light of the world."

36. Now, he could as easily have said,

37. "I am king shit of fuck mountain.

38. Why would you fuck with me?"

39. It's true, it's true.

40. Praise the lord!

41. Now, i'll tell you what,

42. I'm the only preacher with the fuckin' balls...

43. You know this, you know— You all know this—

44. To say, "satan, i damn thee!

45. "You goddamn, motherfuckin', shit-Eatin', cock-Sucking',

46. Son of a 'b'-- Can i get a fuckin' 'a' ?"

47. ( Audience ) fuckin' "a" !

48. Hey, buddy.

49. Hey, shamul.

50. So, shamul give good apartment, huh? What do you think, huh?

51. All yours, look!

52. Yeah, i—I can't wait to get unpacked.

53. My friend, come here.

54. Listen to me, my friend.

55. You do anything in this apartment you want.

56. Great!

57. You watch t.V. , you listen to music, i don't give shit.

58. You have friend over, you have party,

59. You fuck pussy in hallway, i don't care.

60. I don't give shit, don't want to do.

61. Don't think of me as landlord.

62. Think of me as neighbor.

63. If i make too much noise, you say,

64. "Shut up, shamul, stop it, you asshole!"

65. Ok.

66. Ok, buddy.

67. I let myself out back.

68. Ok, hey, thanks a lot, bye-Bye.

69. Excuse, please.

70. Victor?

71. What're you doing here?

72. I come to speak—

73. Why you leave my apartment building?

74. I told you, because the plumbing was bad.

75. Yes, plumbing is bad, victor fix, see, tools, tools.

76. No, no, but victor, you— You don't fix.

77. Plus, the apartment was too hot.

78. The apartment is too hot, is victor now to fix the sun?

79. I cannot get up there.

80. No, of course not, of course not. But victor...

81. I'm not moving back.

82. Shamul can't believe all his eyes.

83. Shamul, this is my old landlord, victor.

84. Please. I see now, what i hear is true.

85. Shamul sit in apartment,

86. Listen to voices with ear, i can't believe.

87. Shamul say, "ear, you try to trick shamul.

88. You are a dog's ear and i hit."

89. And i hit, i spit, and i hit.

90. No, shamul, please, don't.

91. I hit, i hit.

92. And then, shamul come and look, and, oh, baby, what you do to me?

93. Me?

94. Perhaps shamul think you move back to old apartment.

95. Ha! Shamul!

96. He— You come back!

97. My friend, i give you good apartment, and you say,

98. "Phooey! I leave!"

99. Yes, he leave, i help.

100. You come!

101. No, no, no, victor, please don't.

102. Victor fix. Victor fix.

103. No, don't. Victor, victor.

104. I am not moving back.

105. Shamul give you two space.

106. It is over.

107. Yes,

108. It's over.

109. Ok, move your ass going, my friend.

110. I—I go, uh, i go.

111. Hey, buddy.

112. Buddy,

113. Someday, we looking back on all this

114. And we're laughing, eh?

115. I know, i just feel bad because—

116. Shamul, what is this?

117. Anwar, i explain.

118. My old apartment.

119. For 3 years, i rent apartment from you.

120. Only 2 days ago i move out, and already apartment filled?

121. Please, anwar, i explain.

122. Whore, how you explain?

123. Phooey, i spit on your explanation.

124. Phooey, i spit on your spit.

125. I piss on your spit.

126. I shit on your piss.

127. I fart on your shit.

128. I laugh at your fart.

129. We are friends again.

130. I spit on your spit.

131. I piss on your spit.

132. I shit on your piss.

133. I fart on your shit.

134. I laugh at your fart.

135. (Both) we're friends again.

136. Hey, i spit on your spit.

137. I piss on your spit. I shit on your piss.

138. I fart on your shit. I laugh at your fart.

139. We are friends again.

140. Hey, i spit on your spit. I piss on your spit.

141. I shit on your piss. I fart on your shit. I laugh at your fart.

142. We are friends again.

143. Hey, i spit on your spit. I piss on your spit.

144. I shit on your piss.

145. I spit on your spit. I piss on your spit. I shit on your piss.

146. I fart on your shit. I laugh at your fart.

147. We are friends again.

148. Hey, i spit on your spit.

149. Dylan, how are you? How is apartment?

150. Is air-Conditioning working?

151. Good. Uh, yes and no, thank you.

152. I absolutely abhor the use of any conditioning devices.

153. It's a needless perversion of an already perfected system,

154. I.E., the fan.

155. Yes, but air-Conditioning was first thing

156. Victor's family get when we come to this country.

157. Ah, this country is the worst.

158. Bunch of moronic imbeciles

159. Running around with their shorts and their wristwatches.

160. Yes, but in america, you have, uh, everything.

161. You have, uh, television set,

162. And, uh, music you like, rock and roll.

163. Oh, oh, jupiter's thunder, oh!

164. Rock and roll is the most criminal of garbages.

165. It—It—It is a crutch, it is a crutch, it is a crutch.

166. It'll never sully my ears.

167. Oh, the relentless persecution i must endure.

168. Oh! Ah!

169. The only pure pop group that ever existed

170. Was the fad 3.

171. ( Narrator ) london, 1962.

172. A nation on the verge of a social renaissance,

173. And a bright public relations agent by the name of brian blemming

174. Spots 3 young men walking down the queens market road.

175. ( Brian ) oh, yes, the way that they were so photogenic

176. Just turned me on my ear and kicked me in the crotch.

177. ( Narrator ) individually, they were

178. Roy crosswing, val thompson, and neville larry smithson.

179. Together, they would become known as the fad 3.

180. That same day, brian took the ragtag group

181. Into abington studios for their first photo session.

182. (Brian) oh, yes, definitely, that first shoot

183. Was very exciting. The camera just loved them.

184. And their images really took to the film.

185. It stuck right on there, and i knew this was going to be a photo.

186. ( Narrator ) the first photo was an instant worldwide hit.

187. ( Reporter ) why do you love the fad 3 so much?

188. Because they're so cute.

189. And, yeah— And they're new.

190. Frightfully new.

191. And frightfully cute.

192. ( Reporter ) what—What do you think of the fad 3?

193. I don't understand today's youth. In my day, we viewed plenty of photos,

194. But that didn't mean we'd go around shouting me head off!

195. That's bloody shameful.

196. ( Reporter ) were you surprised by the response to the photo?

197. Yes, we were all shocked.

198. I even got scared.

199. ( Reporter ) and how has this changed your lives?

200. Well, we can't walk down the street without being mobbed by girls.

201. ( Larry ) and all the screamin', it's terrible.

202. Yes, we all wish

203. He'd stop screamin'.

204. Can't help it, still scared, i'm afraid.

205. ( Announcer ) albert hall, 1962, thursday,

206. And the boys make their first public appearance before a paying crowd.

207. And now, ladies and gentlemen, here they are, the fad 3.

208. Next, the fad 3 were off to conquer the states.

209. Excuse, any questions?

210. ( Reporter #1 ) boys, how do you like america?

211. Sunny side up.

212. But then, during the press conference,

213. Larry drops a bomb.

214. ( Reporter #2 ) fellas, do you think your fame will grow?

215. We've been photographed more than Jesus christ.

216. Everyone agreed that this was true,

217. And the group was shocked at the lack of controversy it ignited.

218. After months of thinking and growing facial hair,

219. The boys regrouped

220. And put out their most experimental photo to date.

221. Entitled "overexposure,"

222. It became more widely known as "the blank photo."

223. Sales were poor,

224. And events such as larry's continuing car problems,

225. The rise of the beatles,

226. And an increase in the price of photo development,

227. Quickly killed the public's waning interest in the fad 3.

228. ( Reporter ) what do you think of the beatles?

229. They're a freak act.

230. The 3 of them have not spent much time together since larry's suicide in 1985.

231. Val now divides his time between aisle 6 of the norwich kwik mart

232. And the break room.

233. He has said he would be willing to do a reunion photo,

234. But only under any circumstances.

235. Roy has taken the high road,

236. Donating his name and ex-Celebrity status

237. To charities and political movements.

238. Today is the first public appearance

239. Of panzic pujiram,

240. A great man, a patriot.

241. He has been on a hunger strike for the freedom of his people.

242. For 23 days now,

243. He has had nothing but water.

244. His message is about freedom

245. And basic human rights.

246. Panzic!

247. If you will, right here, sir.

248. Thank you.

249. My people have been oppressed

250. And treated unjustly.

251. I pray to god everyday

252. For their deliverance, and...

253. For food.

254. I want the world to know

255. That i am so hungry,

256. I just—

257. I want—

258. I just want to say that...

259. I want to eat everything.

260. But i digress, i digress...

261. There are 2 things that would make me

262. Very happy.

263. One...

264. Would be

265. A lot of food.

266. Mmm, mmm.

267. Mmm, mmm.

268. I— But— But more

269. Importantly...

270. More importantly,

271. I...

272. Never

273. Want

274. To drink water again.

275. My people are dying.

276. Look at me.

277. I used to...

278. I used to hate

279. Water chestnuts.

280. Now, i would eat

281. 100 buckets of them.

282. Everyday, people go into restaurants

283. And they—They take the condiments, and they

284. Take them and put them on the plate

285. And mix it up and put it in their glass,

286. And they dare their friends to drink it.

287. They—They think it is funny.

288. Right now, i would drink it,

289. And i would thank them for it.

290. But, ok, enough of that, enough of that.

291. I want to say,

292. Why can't this government

293. Change the rules of what

294. Constitutes a hunger strike?

295. I mean, who's to say what the fact really is?

296. Ok.

297. I'm sorry, i have gotten way off-Track here.

298. We were— We were talking about food.

299. Ok.

300. If—If i die...

301. If i die, please tell my people

302. To bury me...

303. In mashed potatoes, please.

304. Little lum— Lumpy kinds, with gravies,

305. And a gravy boat by the side, and ya—Ya, a little yam stew.

306. ( Announcer ) panzic pujiram's hunger strike,

307. Sponsored by stenson's condiments.

308. With over 1000 food products,

309. There's over 1000 reasons not to go hungry!

310. Stenson's. Mmm, that's delicious.

311. There's got to be a better way.

312. ( Announcer ) hey, moms,

313. Have you had it with the same old sandwich-Making routine?

314. Then try new stenson's mayostard.

315. Mayostard combines mayonnaise and mustard into one easy serving jar.

316. See the yellow lines and the white lines?

317. That means mayostard is working to save you time.

318. It cuts sandwich-Making time in half.

319. And mayostard works with every type of bread,

320. From white to wheat.

321. How are the sandwiches, kids?

322. Delicious.

323. Mmm, mom, you used separate jars of mustard and mayonnaise.

324. Stenson's mayostard,

325. Costs a little more, but saves a lot of time.

326. ( Man ) drudgery,

327. Are you a 2-Jar slave?

328. Well, thanks to vaunnies,

329. You don't have to take it anymore.

330. Now, there is new vaunnies mustardayonnaise.

331. Let's get the hell out of here.

332. Mustardayonnaise combines the spicy goodness of mustard

333. With the creamy richness of mayonnaise

334. To set you free from

335. The 2-Jar grind.

336. Vaunnies mustardayonnaise:

337. It'll save you time and set you free.

338. And now, with every purchase of vaunnies mustardayonnaise,

339. Vaunnies will donate 20 cents to the dr. X save-The-Earth telethon.

340. It is horribly debilitating. It threatens everyone,

341. Young, old, rich, poor. Please help.

342. We must do everything we can to fight this horrible killer,

343. Dr. X's doomsday laser.

344. ( Narrator ) the doomsday laser can destroy our entire planet

345. At the touch of a button.

346. It was launched into orbit in 1982

347. By dr. X, an evil madman.

348. If the people of the earth

349. Will pay me 30 million dollars, once a year,

350. I will be so kind as to not disintegrate them.

351. Now, every labor day,

352. Dr. X hosts a weekend-Long, worldwide telethon

353. To raise the ransom money.

354. Why do i do this?

355. Why do i stay up all weekend making this appeal?

356. I could blow up the earth right now.

357. I do it for the people.

358. Maybe my heart is too big.

359. If that's a crime, then i am guilty.

360. Now, once again, here's dr. X.

361. Thank you, abby.

362. And we are back.

363. Are you having a good time?

364. Yes, we're having a good—

365. Let's say hello to some of the people out here.

366. Who have we got? What's your name?

367. My name's nick.

368. Nick, hello, very nice to meet you,

369. And nick, are you from britain?

370. No, i'm not.

371. Well, that's one of the countries that will be destroyed

372. If i choose to press the button.

373. Now, what's your name, mr. Red hair?

374. Rene.

375. Yes, rene.

376. Good, now, that's a french sounding name.

377. French, another land that will be gone,

378. Be no more, if i choose to destroy it.

379. But this is why we're here.

380. So, i am wiped out,

381. I've been up for 20 hours,

382. But i'm doing it for you.

383. Some of you have the right idea.

384. All right, very good. Now...

385. I want you to hear what a poster child,

386. Paul keeters, said to me

387. During the commercial break.

388. It's so precious.

389. Paul, will you tell everybody

390. What you said to me?

391. Please don't kill me.

392. Aw!

393. You see, this is why i do this, for the kids.

394. Now, we have 4 million dollars left to get.

395. We have very little time.

396. So, please, make that call.

397. Make— What the heck?

398. Hey, what's going on?

399. ( Man ) stay in the frame, you schmuck.

400. It's johnny! Get that shot of him.

401. How did this happen?

402. I'm really breaking union rules here.

403. Johnny kefalaki.

404. Hey, get out of the way, maestro, i'm taking over.

405. Ok, let's have a sword fight here.

406. Get over here, let me take that out.

407. It says that you're very sick in the head.

408. Let me be serious. This man...

409. This man is the funniest of all living human beings.

410. No.

411. Uh, no, i'm serious, if i can get serious.

412. Folks, this is a great, great, evil madman, i mean that.

413. He's wonderful.

414. Let's go now to chicago and check in with our host there.

415. Ronnie schmerling, the singing duke of beepers.

416. Ronnie, open up in there.

417. Hi, dr x. Hi, johnny.

418. Hello, ronnie, how are ya?

419. Oh, great!

420. Everybody here in the windy city

421. Really wants to stay alive

422. And they're showing it, right, gang?

423. All right.

424. We were entertained all day by this guy,

425. Chicago favorite,

426. King of the put-Downs, dick randell. Dick!

427. Hey, shut up, tubby, no one ever liked you.

428. All right, dick, you are wonderful.

429. Hey, hey, you think your laser's scary,

430. Let me tell you what's frightening:

431. That honey-Dew melon you call a head.

432. I mean, honestly, the sun hits that thing, kapow! We're all fried.

433. All right, my friend, i—I—I cannot help it

434. That i am bald, all right?

435. I got the jew in the back going, "yeah, yeah, yeah."

436. I got a black guy going "what, what did i do? What, what?"

437. I got a chinese guy going,

438. "We got no soup, so sorry."

439. I cannot stand racial intolerance.

440. You have gone too far, and now, you two must pay.

441. I got a polack with a ding-Dong and a canadian with a ring rod.

442. Dr. X, no!

443. I've blown up chicago,

444. And now, i will blow up the world.

445. Some end of the world music for me, abby, please.

446. Dr. X, please, give us time.

447. No, johnny, it is too late.

448. That is all.

449. When this hits zero,

450. ( Female voice ) t minus 60 seconds.

451. The earth will be no more.

452. I'll miss many of you fools, and your foolishness.

453. Especially this one over here.

454. Auf wiedersehen.

455. 43 seconds to explosion-Ation.

456. Hey, hey there.

457. Hey, stop!

458. Dr. X, stop the— Stop the...

459. Stop the hee— Stop the hoo!

460. Stop the countdown?

461. The countdown? Oh, get to it.

462. Dr. X.

463. There you go!

464. We, uh, have a last minute contribution from a bob— Hup— And david—

465. From the television show, mr. Show.

466. Mr. Show, very well, where are they? I would like to say hi to them.

467. Hello, bob. Hello, david.

468. What have you got for me?

469. Dr. X, on behalf of mr. Show with bob and david,

470. And all the mr. Shows with bob and davids around the world,

471. We're proud to be a part of a telethon once again.

472. This year, we have raised money

473. By having swearing jars.

474. Over the course of tonight's show alone, we've raised

475. $3,999,999.95

476. That's really wonderful.

477. Watch your back there.

478. Well, that is wonderful,

479. But you're still a nickel short,

480. So, i'm sorry, you're all up shit's creek.

481. Ah, ah!

482. That's the "s"-Word!

483. Still on the show, pay a nickel, buddy!

484. You got me.

485. Hey, we did it.

486. ( Dr. X ) hurray!

487. Whoo! All right!

488. Whoo! Good work! Well,

489. We will wrap it up the way we always do,

490. With our special song.

491. Maestro, if you please.

492. Good night, everyone.

493. Good night.

494. Daddy, come out and play with me.

495. Not now, dear, daddy's busy.

496. Hey, daddy, you coming to my graduation?

497. Daddy, you want to see your new grandson?

498. In a minute, dear, in a minute.

499. Bye daddy, i'm dying.

500. ( Man ) mundees mustmayostardayonnaise

501. Combines mayostard and mustardayonnaise

502. In one easy-To-Use, time-Saving spread.

503. Closed captions provided by softitler