Mr. Show with Bob and David 3x4

1. Closed captions provided by softitler

2. ( Announcer ) today's mr. Show was filmed in the middle of the morning,

3. When all the men were at work.

4. Good morning, ladies, it's time for bob and david.

5. Good morning.

6. Good morning, david, and welcome to mr. Show.

7. We have some fun stuff for the ladies today, huh?

8. And some fun ladies to share it with.

9. We have a group here today from the womyn's solidarity collective.

10. Oh!

11. Hey, ladies, don't you look pretty today!

12. Hot stuff! Hot stuff!

13. Well, i'll tell you what, i hope you don't mind looking even prettier,

14. Because the first thing on this morning's makeovers!

15. That's right. Mr. Face and mr. Hair will be out here to fix you up.

16. Yeah!

17. And we're gonna have a visit from dr. Good sex,

18. Who is gonna come out here and show you how to make your hubby climax faster

19. So he can get on with his busy day.

20. Pig!

21. And then we are going to have a beauty contest,

22. And the winner will be crowned "queen pretty."

23. And she's going to win a vacuum cleaner.

24. ( Audience ) oh!

25. Yeah, look at that! All right!

26. I'll tell you what, bob. Let's really get this show started.

27. Yeah! Here's what you came for.

28. They love us, david.

29. Uh-Oh, bob, looks like they want to touch the merchandise.

30. I am ian shropshire.

31. And i am clive shropshire.

32. From the band, smush.

33. And you're watching video round up on v.T.V.

34. Just like you're told to.

35. Hey, great, we're back. Congratulations, you guys,

36. On the announcement that your new album,

37. Space age super suit, has gone triple platinum.

38. Well, now, i know today is a special day for you, ian,

39. Because you became a father this morning,

40. With the birth of a beautiful daughter named shandy.

41. How does it feel to be a dad?

42. Dunno.

43. Tch, feels creamy.

44. W-We'll be right back with smush, after this...

45. ( Announcer ) how would you like to spend spring break on the moon?

46. Fruitastrophe inhalers and v.T.V. Are sending one lucky viewer

47. To the lunar surface for spring break,

48. With the boys from smush.

49. That's right! You'll be a feature performer in the new smush video,

50. And then you'll be shot in the back of the head,

51. Execution style. Enter today!

52. Entrants must be 18 years of age or have parent's permission.

53. All earth laws do not apply on the surface of the moon.

54. Winners agree not to defend themselves.

55. If winner is chinese, a bill for the bullet will be sent to the family.

56. So, this contest is great.

57. You must be excited about going to the moon.

58. Dunno.

59. Ok, i guess i need you guys to express some opinion.

60. Because, i need...

61. Because i need the fans

62. To feel that they've shared something with the band.

63. Great.

64. Ok. So, you guys are gonna be on the moon.

65. Dunno.

66. We love cheese.

67. Do you see what they do, doctor?

68. Ian just says "dunno," and then clive makes some sarcastic comment.

69. It's not fair.

70. Clive, ian, do you think it's fair what's happening?

71. No, doctor, it's not fair.

72. And much as i love alan and want this to work,

73. I just feel like i'm being quizzed,

74. Like he's some sort of headmaster.

75. And i need my sarcasm,

76. You know, it's my security blanket, isn't it?

77. Ok, here are some ground rules.

78. Alan, try not to pose your questions as a challenge.

79. Ian, avoid the word "dunno."

80. That's a red flag word.

81. And we'll let clive keep his sarcasm.

82. Lovely.

83. Well, how did this trip to the moon come about?

84. Dunno.

85. Red flag.

86. Record company has decided it would sell albums, so...

87. Off you go.

88. The kiddies will like it.

89. Great. Ok, time's up!

90. See how this can work?

91. Hey, alan, we're gonna make this happen.

92. Hey, look, it's halloween, isn't it?

93. Hey, you're watching v.T.V.,

94. I'm chrysalis,

95. And today we're gonna be talking to norma jean monster.

96. How're you guys doing?

97. Great!

98. Great, chrys. It's good to see you again.

99. Yeah. How have you been? We have so much catching up to do

100. Yeah!

101. So, i take it you guys have been getting along.

102. Oh, yeah!

103. Yeah. We've got to talk about the weekend

104. We've got some slides.

105. And the best thing—

106. You were—

107. We had a great time

108. At our breakthrough weekend,

109. And here are some slides.

110. ( Chrysalis ) when we arrived at camp, we didn't see eye to eye.

111. Our trust guide was named dave.

112. ( Norma jean ) he was cool!

113. Oh, yeah, we had to build a lean-To, blindfolded.

114. You have to trust your peers and your ears,

115. And throw away your fears.

116. Ah, this one sucked, but chrysalis really made it fun.

117. ( Adolph ) you almost fell, man!

118. ( Norma jean ) 'cause i was laughing so hard.

119. Oh, we put on a show at the "spirit quest" bonfire.

120. Next stop, broadway.

121. Oh, and chrysalis did an impersonation of us.

122. You mean, you. It was hilarious.

123. ( Chrysalis ) it was a great weekend.

124. We really found ourselves out there.

125. Yeah, and we found each other.

126. And ourselves.

127. Uh, she already said that?

128. She said that, ok.

129. ( Norma jean ) uh, i don't know who those guys are.

130. ( Adolph ) they look kind of lost, though.

131. Good evening.

132. 2 young people and their companions are missing today

133. After a hike in the angeles national forest.

134. There are no clues as to their whereabouts,

135. But authorities say that the 2 young people, both 20,

136. And their 2 companions, also 20,

137. Set out for a day-Long hike, sometime yesterday morning.

138. We spoke to the fiance of one of the young people.

139. I'm scared.

140. I mean...

141. You hear about this happening to young people all the time,

142. But you never expect it to happen to young people that you know.

143. Much less, their companions.

144. I'm sorry...

145. ( Bill ) the parents of one of the companions agree.

146. We're praying for our boy.

147. He's a wonderful son.

148. And i'm sure, a great companion.

149. We also pray for the 2 young people.

150. And of course, the other companion.

151. Rescue crews have been searching with very few leads.

152. Well, yesterday i saw a lot of companions

153. Coming in and out of the forest,

154. But not so many young people.

155. They tend to use the north entrance.

156. We're all baffled.

157. The 2 young people and their companions, all boys,

158. Grew up together, attending the same elementary school,

159. And sharing the same interests.

160. Tonight, the entire community has responded.

161. I think it's very sad.

162. I mean, i have 3 young people of my own.

163. I don't know what i would do if i lost even one.

164. ( Reporter ) and what about the companions?

165. Well, i think that's sad, too.

166. But if you ask me,

167. I think they're the ones responsible for this whole thing.

168. Well, i have known several companions in all my years,

169. And i believe the problem not to be with them,

170. But rather, with the young people of today.

171. ( Reporter ) what are these ribbons for?

172. These yellow ribbons are for the young people,

173. To show we care.

174. And these orange ribbons are for the companions.

175. Ok, we—We're getting word now

176. That 2 hikers have been found.

177. We don't know yet if they were the 2 young people,

178. The 2 companions, or one young person and one companion.

179. At the scene is dane atkinson. Dane?

180. Yes, bill, we have official confirmation

181. That they have found one of each.

182. ( Bill ) one young person and one companion?

183. That's right.

184. They seem to have been separated from the other

185. Matching "young person, companion" set,

186. Sometime last night.

187. So then, somewhere out there is a young person and a companion,

188. Wandering around together?

189. Or separately.

190. It could be just one young person alone

191. And one companion, also alone.

192. I see, thank you, dane.

193. Ok, that's the news.

194. We leave you now with some very funny,

195. Very censored bloopers from tonight's telecast.

196. Enjoy!

197. Yes, a young person and his compinions...

198. Uh, let me take that again.

199. Yes, a young people...

200. What is "a young people" ?

201. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

202. Stop it!

203. We're praying for our boy.

204. He's a wonderful sign.

205. Son. Sorry.

206. Our sign's not lost. Our son is lost.

207. Can i try that again?

208. This is the first feathered yoshi cat

209. To be found in captivity.

210. He was found in france,

211. Where they're naturally from.

212. He is— These are feathers.

213. Look at this.

214. Huh? Oh, well, this—This is natural.

215. This is totally natural with these guys.

216. Now he's nice. Isn't he a nice fella?

217. Look at him, look at him. He wants to get away, doesn't he?

218. Well, you can't get away, can you?

219. Look, the only young people i'm concerned with

220. Are the ones that wear "wee-Time" toddler wear.

221. Capisce? Thank you.

222. Ok. Sorry i'm late. Hi!

223. I didn't get a wink. I was up all night,

224. Focusing and thinking about the future of kidswear, ok?

225. I'll tell you what, take your shoes off, 'cause if you don't,

226. Your socks are gonna get blown right through them, ok?

227. Well, you guys are the best. Show me what you've got.

228. All right, buckle the fuck up, here we go. Ok...

229. I'm at home, last night,

230. Focusing, envisioning kidswear,

231. And this vision comes to me of black.

232. I mean, utter blackness.

233. Oh, my god, i had the same dream.

234. Like a gathering darkness.

235. Synchronicity. Guys, ashen tones.

236. Yes! Did you get the stench, too, the stench of burning flesh?

237. Yes, the fucking future of kidswear.

238. Ok, all right.

239. I am envisioning a playground of the future, and i am seeing

240. Uh, blacks, ashes, ashen, uh,

241. Bloodish reds, orange snakes.

242. Wow, yes. Yeah, i'm getting the same vision. Are you getting it?

243. A bejeweled madman rising in the east,

244. Sort of a half human, half...

245. ( Both ) creature!

246. Yes, yes!

247. Yes, i see teeth gnashing,

248. I see genitals bleeding of their own accord.

249. The sea will boil.

250. Little navy outfits. Classic nautical scene. Yes!

251. Yes.

252. Oh, wow!

253. Oh, wow!

254. I just had a vision.

255. I saw an assemblage of the righteous,

256. Drowning in a river of pus and bile. Great!

257. Oh, let me show you

258. What i stayed awake working all night on.

259. Pus and bile, new materials. We can work with that.

260. Oh!

261. There it is, ohio.

262. It's about the future, it's about fun.

263. Ok.

264. When you guys get done screwing around,

265. Give me a call.

266. Fucking buyers.

267. They have no vision. God!

268. It is i, nostradamus,

269. Seer of the future.

270. Hello, hello.

271. It is i, nostradamus, seer of the future.

272. Oh, my god, you're the man in my dreams.

273. Mine, too.

274. Mine 3.

275. Yes.

276. Alexis, stephan...

277. Toddy.

278. I have given you all great visions of things yet to come,

279. And you have squandered them.

280. Oh, wise master, why have we been the ones chosen?

281. Oh, is it because, we, like you, attempt to see the future?

282. No!

283. It is because we 4

284. Are all cut from the same cloth.

285. It is because we,

286. In this room,

287. All swing the same way.

288. It is because, like you 3,

289. I, too, live...

290. An alternative lifestyle.

291. Oh, no. No. No!

292. I know what you're thinking. Hey, i've got a wife

293. And 3 fucking kids, ok?

294. I can usually tell.

295. Did one of you place this ad in the personals?

296. "Single, white, gay male,

297. "Searching for companion and possible life mate.

298. "Could you be my future? Look in your crystal ball and see.

299. Please, no fatties."

300. Well, i didn't place any ad.

301. It was— It was me.

302. I'm just so tired of going to bars

303. And meeting people who don't turn out.

304. And i just— The singles—

305. I think that i have a prediction.

306. ( Announcer ) alexis young.

307. In the fashion world, he is a singular sensation,

308. Defining the cutting edge,

309. Always ahead of his time.

310. Tonight, we'll meet alexis' mysterious, 500-Year-Old, ever present pal.

311. Together they're a special pair.

312. Good morning, dear.

313. Why didn't you wake me?

314. You were dead asleep.

315. Napoleon.

316. Napoleon. Where's the dog?

317. He got out last night, he'll be back.

318. Really?

319. No!

320. Oh, poor doggie.

321. The beast visited me again.

322. He grows in power as we speak.

323. Stop it, that's for the omelets.

324. Oh, he who pouts will get what he wants, won't he?

325. Run along now, please. You're getting in my kitchen.

326. We have a rule.

327. Ok.

328. Only the chef.

329. Ok.

330. The apocalypse is here. It's on its way.

331. ( Alexis ) extra cheese, if you please. I'm on my knees.

332. She has no idea— Welcome to the bunker.

333. This place is a mad house.

334. This isn't what i asked for.

335. This is why— Tell her, tell that seamstress to put darts here, ok?

336. Darts, i need darts. And if she doesn't,

337. I'll fucking go and shit darts on her head.

338. Single woman leads them, the masses.

339. From the valley of shadows—

340. Hello! What is she fucking wearing?

341. She's wearing a black...

342. Sleeveless, high hemline...

343. Bustier...

344. With no straps. No straps.

345. Thank you.

346. ( Nostradamus ) fire will freeze.

347. Oh, enough, enough!

348. Fire will freeze. What?

349. Oh... oh, great!

350. Great. Good.

351. Good, nostradamus.

352. Look what you did, now with your—

353. Are you all right?

354. You have no use for me.

355. I have so much use for you. You're wonderful and i love you,

356. But, please, right now, you're just...

357. It's like a steel spike that you're heating up

358. And then driving through my eye,

359. And then twisting it around, ok?

360. It's that kind of thing.

361. Oh, my god!

362. We did it! We did it!

363. You're rock 'n' roll personified, ok, in fashion,

364. And that's what we do, and we...

365. We just did it. We went out there and we kicked ass, ok?

366. Whoo!

367. I could not have done it, i couldn't have done it

368. Without each and every one of you, ok?

369. Ok.

370. We love you.

371. Let's go fucking party our asses off.

372. ( All ) yeah! Whoo!

373. No, i said to him, i've got a prediction for you.

374. I think, uh, your 500-Year-Old flabby ass

375. Is gonna drive me crazy!

376. Alie!

377. Uh...

378. No, no, no, no. It's me, nostradamus.

379. These modern socks!

380. In my time, they weren't so...

381. Well, your time—

382. Springy.

383. Hi, nostradamus.

384. Will you stop moping? What—What is it?

385. Oh, i don't want to lose you

386. In the great new york earthquake of 2003.

387. Oh, freak, it's gonna take more than a bad ol' quake to get rid of me.

388. I love you, peaches!

389. You're my world.

390. Ok, ok.

391. ( Announcer ) friends to the end,

392. The chums stuck together through thick and thin,

393. Just like the best possible bosom buddies,

394. Until they both perished in the great new york earthquake of 2003.

395. And in tribute to their accomplishments,

396. "Nostradamus and his constant chum high school" was built.

397. Dedicated to teaching children about "can do" spirit

398. With an eye towards the future.

399. ( Teacher ) all right, students. Settle down, students.

400. Please welcome your principal, ms. Rudolph.

401. Parents, students, faculty,

402. We have some special friends joining us.

403. Now, they're a little different from you and me, but let's remember,

404. That doesn't make them freaks.

405. It just means you have to try a little harder

406. Not to let them make you uncomfortable.

407. So without further ado,

408. Here's "indomitable spirit."

409. Hey, kids.

410. Hey, how're you all doing? All right!

411. All right, we're "indomitable spirit."

412. 1, 2, 3, 4...

413. ( All ) ♪ indomitable spirit

414. Whoa!

415. Yeah!

416. All right, kids.

417. So you see what we're doing. We're giving you a message of hope

418. That you can do anything—

419. Hold on, hold on, everybody.

420. Tommy!

421. I heard you guys were in town, so i came down here

422. To tell everybody about the real "indomitable spirit."

423. Hey, man, don't be a jerk.

424. Hey, let him talk.

425. Yeah.

426. Folks, i was an original member of "indomitable spirit,"

427. Back when we called ourselves "flattop tony and the purple canoes."

428. You remember that?

429. I remember.

430. Yeah.

431. Well, everything was fine. We toured, we inspired people.

432. And then, one day, when i was out hunting for poontang,

433. I lost an arm and you guys kicked me out of the band.

434. ( Audience ) boo! Boo! Boo!

435. Wait, wait a minute, wait a minute!

436. So, are you saying, that you're really my long lost brother?

437. What? No, listen.

438. Why don't you tell everybody the real reason

439. You were kicked out of the band.

440. 'Cause i did drugs?

441. No!

442. 'Cause i wouldn't give out hugs?

443. So that was you!

444. Well, no, that's not the reason.

445. You got kicked out of the band because you suck.

446. You're a terrible drummer.

447. 'Cause of my one arm.

448. Yeah.

449. Well, yes and no. I mean,

450. You know, you're a shitty drummer

451. And, but, you know, having one arm to drum with doesn't help.

452. So, if i had both my arms, i'd be ok?

453. Yes.

454. Well, you'd be better, maybe, but still not good enough.

455. It just so happens that you lost your arm

456. Right before we were gonna kick you out of the band anyway.

457. So, because i have only one arm, i am no good.

458. Right.

459. No, no, not because.

460. Listen closely.

461. All right, you have one arm, ok?

462. And, also, in addition to that,

463. You're a shitty drummer.

464. 'Cause i'm handicapped.

465. Yes.

466. Yes, you're handicap is that you're a shitty drummer.

467. 'Cause i've only got one arm.

468. No!

469. Look, look, look, ok, i think i can help here. All right...

470. Thank you, thank you.

471. What he's trying to say to you

472. Is that you are a terrible drummer,

473. Because you only have one arm.

474. Exactly!

475. No, no! That is not it! Go sit down. Don't help anymore.

476. So, how do i explain this?

477. Ok, everybody, apocalypse drill.

478. You know the routine.

479. Stand up, single file, here we go, move it out, come on.

480. It's the apocalypse, the real thing. Let's go.

481. Come on!

482. Don't look back, stand up straight. Come on!

483. I can drum.

484. No, you can't drum.

485. It doesn't matter. 'Cause i only have one arm.

486. You don't get it.

487. You can't drum.

488. It doesn't matter.

489. ( Ms. Rudolph ) single file!

490. No chit-Chat. Keep your mouths shut and your eyes open.

491. Now, your genitals will bleed of their own accord and your teeth will gnash,

492. So be prepared for that.

493. All right, i see that the fire storm is approaching,

494. So everybody get down on your knees,

495. And place your books over your head, like we practiced.

496. I don't want to find anyone chewing gum.

497. So, if—If i grow an arm back i could get in?

498. No, if you had no arms, 2 arms, 4 arms, 16 arms,

499. If your arms were made of drumsticks and your head was a drum,

500. It wouldn't matter. You still would suck, understand?

501. No, i don't.

502. Look at that, clive.

503. The earth's blowing up.

504. Stupid consumers.

505. Everybody blowing up together like good little sheep.

506. It's tragic, isn't it?

507. Say, you got another cigaroo?

508. I can't really smoke it, but it's comforting to hold it.

509. Closed captions provided by softitler