Mr. Show with Bob and David 3x2

Directed by Troy Miller

David makes a brave choice. The boys make a trip to "The ratings man" who doubles as Santa. We meet the Tatiana, the weather hermaphrodite, and see a promo for cock ring warehouse. When Bob gets married, Paul, John, David, and Jay respond by beating him up. Terry Twilstein gives Ronnie Dobbs a chance to make a soundtrack album for the TV Show "Fuzz" along with Ronnie's wife and John and Ken Daly as two cops. At the Cyrus Dewey Awards, David plays Bob Lamonta, who made a movie about himself in which his parents, played by Bob and Jill, are retarded.

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1. Closed captions provided by softitler

2. Hello. Hi.

3. Bob and david, here.

4. The episode of mr. Show you're about to see is...

5. Somewhat special.

6. Well, i'd say it's very special.

7. All right.

8. I mean, it was named the best very special episode

9. At the very special episode awards.

10. The v.S.A.S.

11. The "speshies."

12. I mean, that's— That's what they call 'em.

13. Ok, so watch it with somebody that you care about.

14. And then,

15. Tell the ratings people that there was somebody else

16. In the room watching it with you.

17. Thank you.

18. And good luck...

19. To us.

20. Yes.

21. Ok.

22. Good?

23. ok, moving on.

24. Cock-A-Doodle-Doo! It's bob and david!

25. Hi! Hi, donna.

26. Hello, everyone.

27. Welcome to mr. Show.

28. Tonight is a very, very, special episode.

29. David is going to do something very brave,

30. And we all support him.

31. Everyone come out here.

32. That—That's why you see we're all wearing

33. These brave-Choice, feel-Good ribbons.

34. Now, david,

35. It's yours.

36. Thanks, bob.

37. Hi, i'm david cross—

38. Now, get ready for the highest-Rated minute

39. Of mr. Show, ever! Let's milk this mother!

40. Bob, that's not why i'm doing this.

41. I know, i know, just do it.

42. Hi, i'm david cross,

43. I play the beloved character of david cross

44. On t.V.'S mr. Show.

45. As you all know, the character i play is bald,

46. And i'm very proud to play this character

47. Because we write him as a real bald guy,

48. Not—Not a bald stereotype.

49. He doesn't speak in a bald voice,

50. Or live in the bald part of town or hang out in bald bars.

51. I love the little fella, and, uh,

52. Sometimes, you know, i don't know whether

53. I'm playing david cross or david cross is playing me,

54. But, you know, I...

55. Right now i have something i want to say.

56. I, david cross,

57. Me, not the character,

58. Am bald.

59. David, i'm all right with this.

60. David,

61. I accept you,

62. But i don't accept the choice that you've made.

63. It's not a choice, jill, god made me this way.

64. Then i reject god.

65. I'm really proud of you, buddy.

66. My dad was bald in world war ii.

67. He died wearin' a wig.

68. Ok, are you done? Let's go check the ratings man.

69. Let's go!

70. Let's go to the ratings man!

71. hey, ratings man!

72. Ho, ho, ho! Bob and david!

73. How good to see you!

74. Oh, my! How you've grown!

75. Oh, ho, ho, ho! Come, boys,

76. Sit on my lap!

77. Ha, ha, ha!

78. Hey, ratings man, show us the ratings!

79. Well, your ratings are up this year, boys,

80. Because you've been very good!

81. yay!

82. Hey, um,

83. How can you be santa and the ratings man?

84. Well, david,

85. When i'm checking to see who's naughty or nice,

86. I'm also checking to see what people

87. Are watching on t.V.

88. You see, the santa job pays shit.

89. So the ratings job covers my overhead.

90. So why don't you just quit the santa thing?

91. Oh, ho, ho, ho, ho!

92. I love the santa job!

93. Oh, ho, ho, ho, ho!

94. Listen closely,

95. There's a guy in the closet with a gun trained at my head.

96. If he thinks anything's wrong, he'll kill me.

97. What are you talking about?

98. Oh, you're a good boy!

99. Oh, ho, ho, ho, ho!

100. I am not screwing around, here.

101. This guy has forced me to play santa for over 500 years.

102. You— You've got to help me!

103. Ok.

104. Ok, ratings man.

105. All right.

106. We're leaving now, ratings man...

107. We're leaving. Bye!

108. Ya done good, there, pops.

109. Smart, real smart.

110. Now, you just keep being santa, see?

111. And never die, see? Or you'll get it.

112. Run!

113. Run free!

114. I'm finally free! Thank you, boys! Thank you!

115. I'm free!

116. Yeah, we did it!

117. Yeah!

118. You idiots!

119. Have you any idea of what you've done?

120. santa had been freed...

121. And so there was no christmas.

122. It was a terrible, terrible winter.

123. The winter snows came and buried the northeast.

124. If you look at our action weather radar...

125. You can see there's quite a storm coming

126. From over here.

127. I'm tatiana,

128. The weather hermaphrodite.

129. mother nature is full of surprises.

130. This year, the winter storms

131. Have left us overstocked

132. And up to our necks in cock rings.

133. At cock ring warehouse,

134. We've got the largest selection

135. Of new and used cock rings in the tri-State area.

136. Over 3 miles of cock rings.

137. Stainless steel,

138. Bronze,

139. Leather, mahogany,

140. Sandalwood,

141. And even stained glass.

142. And all the latest styles,

143. Including the dillenger,

144. Pheasant under glass,

145. The brat,

146. And ol' ironsides.

147. So follow this little guy...

148. Any cock'll do!

149. To route 59, just south of santa's village,

150. For cock rings,

151. Cock rings, cock rings.

152. And this season, remember the poor.

153. Dust off your old cock rings,

154. And cock ring warehouse will pass them on

155. To needy families at no cost.

156. That was the, uh, cock ring guy.

157. Oh! "Any cock'll do!"

158. I love that.

159. So, pete, what's up, man?

160. Yeah, what's the big news?

161. Oh, i'll get to it.

162. Slim! All right.

163. Johnny, what's going on?

164. Well, that's everybody.

165. So, what's up, pete? What's the big news?

166. Yeah, we goin' bowling, or what?

167. Rematch! Rematch!

168. No, we are not going bowling!

169. You guys, sit down. Sit down.

170. Now the reason, uh, that i called you guys here

171. Is 'cause you guys...

172. are my best buds in the world,

173. And i wanted you guys to be the first to know...

174. Kate and i are getting married.

175. No fucking way!

176. Yeah. Get out of here.

177. Are you serious?

178. Really?

179. Guys, guys! Stop it! Stop it!

180. Whoa!

181. What was that about?

182. I—I couldn't stop myself!

183. Neither could i!

184. You guys just beat the shit out of me!

185. Yeah. We know.

186. What was that about?

187. Good question!

188. All i said was that kate and i are getting married.

189. All right, stop it!

190. Stop it! Stop it!

191. It happened again!

192. What is with us?

193. Super weird!

194. Man, did you see me?

195. I was getting full-On jackie chan and shit!

196. Don't worry, he's all right.

197. Hey, buddy, you all right?

198. Fuck you!

199. Hey, you're ok,

200. And that's the important thing.

201. Dude, i'm not ok.

202. What is this, a fucking marriage?

203. Wait, wait! Stop! Stop! Stop!

204. I lost my contact lens!

205. Ok, ok. Look, nobody move,

206. We'll find it!

207. I'm so fucked without it, man!

208. We're gonna find it, buddy, don't worry.

209. I lost a tooth!

210. Found it!

211. oh!

212. Man, that was close!

213. Ok, all right,

214. That's it. You guys, leave.

215. Leave.

216. Hey, say it again.

217. What?

218. Tell us you're getting married again.

219. No!

220. Oh, come on, give us another chance.

221. I want to see if we react the same way.

222. Yeah! Me, too!

223. I bet we do!

224. No!

225. Oh, come on, we're all friends!

226. I mean, that was just some fluke thing before.

227. Besides, it's not a surprise anymore,

228. We know you're getting married.

229. Exactly.

230. Watch. All right, i'll say it this time, all right?

231. Hey, guys, kate and i are getting married.

232. oh!

233. You see, buddy? Come on, give us another chance.

234. Ok.

235. Um...

236. Kate and i are getting married.

237. Let me at him!

238. I'm ok.

239. I'm all right.

240. I'm cool. I'm cool.

241. That was hard, but we did a good job, guys.

242. Yeah, we really did something, there.

243. We should be proud of ourselves.

244. Hey, champagne!

245. yeah!

246. Hey, a toast, huh?

247. To good friends!

248. Oh, wait. Hey, buddy, you wanna say anything?

249. Kate and i are getting married.

250. what?

251. We got a call on a domestic disturbance. What's going on?

252. Officer, it's cool, man.

253. These guys beat the shit out of me.

254. No, everything's cool.

255. Do me a favor.

256. Take a swing at the copper, will you?

257. I want to get things all loosey-Goosey in here.

258. My name is terry twillstein.

259. I'm a camera chap for the hit show, fuzz.

260. I videotape coppers arresting roustabouts.

261. Recently, i had a brainstorm.

262. I thought, "let's put the show to music."

263. So i headed off to los angeles

264. To write songs,

265. Using actual episodes

266. Of actual arrests as inspiration.

267. I want you to take this, the dust,

268. The sirens, the coppers, the handcuffs,

269. The hillbilly-Ness, the breathalizing,

270. The excruciating arrestiveness of it all,

271. Of it all— And i want you to put it inside your piano!

272. I decided to use the actual cops,

273. And actual criminals, for actuality's sake.

274. oh, my god! Look who we've got.

275. There you are, boys!

276. It's so good to see you. That's a european greeting. Come along!

277. Hi, terry.

278. Soon, tammy dobbs,

279. Our very first abused wife, arrived.

280. You look wonder— Oh!

281. Look at that, there's a little fella. There's a little fella.

282. The grand reunion continues!

283. Say hello. Say hello.

284. At last came our star,

285. Ronnie dobbs,

286. The most arrested man in the history of the show!

287. We're all here!

288. I want that bitch fired!

289. I want that bitch—

290. Don't worry about that bitch!

291. Look what we've got, ronnie.

292. Your officers... everyone's here.

293. It's ronnie, everyone...

294. The star of the show.

295. Tammy.

296. Hi, ronnie.

297. I just wanted to drop by and say

298. Thank you for not visiting me in jail.

299. Thank you so much.

300. Well, i've been busy.

301. Yeah, i can see you've been busy.

302. You should be proud, man.

303. Have you been fuckin' travis?

304. Save that— Save that for the—

305. What am i supposed to do while you're in jail?

306. Save this tension, we're going to use it to sing!

307. Ok, are you ready for me?

308. Bobbies, my 2 bobbies.

309. Great, here we go, ready with playback.

310. ok, dear, are you ready?

311. For the wife's theme,

312. I wanted to capture the essence of abuse,

313. In a jolly jingle.

314. This one's for you, ronnie.

315. How's that?

316. that was wonderful.

317. We could put reverb in there.

318. It doesn't need reverb.

319. Yes, it does. She needs some echo, or a pedal—

320. i think he's right, i think i need a little echo.

321. Then it was ronnie's turn.

322. My star.

323. This was our cream-Filled crumpet.

324. I took a deep breath and prayed a little pray.

325. "Come on, sir, you're obviously intoxicated."

326. "You're obviously intoxicated."

327. "Ok, that's it. Let's go."

328. "You 'that's it, let's go.'"

329. "you're under arrest!"

330. "You're under arrest. No!"

331. How's that?

332. Ronnie,

333. what up?

334. That one'll do.

335. Well, what the hell? Let's, um,

336. Let's go have us champagne jam.

337. And in my melody,

338. I personified the silent observer.

339. He's off again.

340. He can't fuckin' get it.

341. god damn.

342. No, no, no, no.

343. No, no. Terry, terry, terry. Stop—Stop it!

344. You're missin' the goddamn quarter note each time!

345. Get away from there!

346. You ain't got it!

347. Take the button away from him!

348. Take the button away from him!

349. Dumbass motherfucker!

350. Take it again—

351. Terry, it's real simple.

352. Ronnie, you're out of line here!

353. This is a very sticky wicket!

354. You are shitting in my mouth and calling it a sundae.

355. Ok, that's it. Everyone out!

356. I have to talk to ronnie!

357. Everyone out! He has to talk to me!

358. stupid motherfucker!

359. i don't love you!

360. Uh, unit 12-13, 10-4.

361. Let's hit it.

362. We got a call. Uh, it's a disturbance at a recording studio.

363. We get this kind of thing all the time.

364. is there a disturbance here?

365. We're comin' in! Let us in here.

366. No, officers, he's just a little drunk!

367. Did he hurt you? Did he hurt you?

368. No, he didn't. No— Oh, this? I just fell down.

369. Put the fucking weapon down!

370. No, this ain't a weapon, i'm just tryin' to sing. Just hang on!

371. I knew that behind his artistic rage,

372. Ronnie loved me.

373. And it's because he loves me so much

374. That he'd gotten violent.

375. He had no other choice, really.

376. You don't know him the way i do.

377. I—I was asking for it.

378. And so, it is for ronnie dobbs

379. That i proudly accept this tony award!

380. the tony,

381. The oscar,

382. The ace,

383. The world's greatest grandpa,

384. The motormouth,

385. The biggest asshole in the world,

386. And now, the dewey.

387. Live, from the opal room,

388. In the holiday town center spot,

389. It's the cyrus dewey awards!

390. Good evening.

391. Good evening.

392. Cyrus dewey was a silent film actor

393. Who made over 65 motion pictures.

394. In each film, he portrayed a character

395. Who was mentally challenged.

396. Once each film was completed, cyrus would give himself an award

397. For making such a brave choice.

398. All of you gathered here tonight

399. Have made that same brave choice.

400. I see ben stapleton,

401. Nominated for the role of billy

402. In the mountain too high.

403. Brenda blinkman,

404. Here for her portrayal of ginny

405. In a bridge too long.

406. Fervel lankman,

407. Who was donny in the crack'd mirror...

408. And its sequel, goin' crackers.

409. There are so many of you here,

410. All brave, all award-Bound.

411. And now, joining us live via satellite,

412. Are don tromky and jane sweney.

413. Thank you. Hello.

414. Don and jane, it's good to have you.

415. It's nice to be here.

416. We wish we could be there with you,

417. But we're in the back of the room, uh,

418. Attending the darius mclean awards

419. For actors who portrayed people dying of terminal diseases.

420. It's been a big year for you.

421. It's been a big, brave year for us, as actors.

422. Tell me about the bob lamonta story.

423. The bob lamonta story.

424. It's a story of a young boy

425. Who was raised by mentally-Challenged parents.

426. It's inspiring, moving,

427. And very brave of us.

428. a brave choice.

429. Thank you.

430. Hey!

431. Hey!

432. Well, thank you. I hope you can join us next year...

433. Hi.

434. Thank you. Thank you for having us.

435. And now, here to introduce the bob lamonta story,

436. Is the real bob lamonta.

437. Hello.

438. I'm bob lamonta.

439. The scene you are about to see

440. Is based upon my real-Life experiences.

441. I hope you find my life story

442. As reminiscent of my life

443. As it is for me.

444. And now, let's watch the entire film.

445. Come on, bob, aren't you gonna eat?

446. No.

447. What is it this time?

448. What's wrong, bob?

449. You get another weird sandwich?

450. Leave him alone!

451. I think this one is, uh,

452. Peanut butter,

453. And egg,

454. And dice.

455. Isn't that a sponge in there?

456. Yeah.

457. Damn it! I hate my parents!

458. I hate 'em!

459. Bob, you ok?

460. Everything's all right!

461. but everything wasn't all right.

462. My parents had embarrassed me again.

463. So i ran.

464. I ran and ran.

465. mr. And mrs. Lamonta,

466. I'm a little worried about your son, bob.

467. We're sorry.

468. I'm sorry, too.

469. There's no need to apologize,

470. But let me ask you,

471. What's the situation like at home?

472. It's fun.

473. We get to run around,

474. And paint.

475. That seems healthy.

476. Yeah. I'm strong.

477. Like the hulk!

478. and ran.

479. Oh.

480. Oh, no.

481. Mom and dad said i had to stay home

482. And watch cartoons all day.

483. Did they give you any lunch?

484. They gave me some beer and some frozen peas.

485. Where are mom and dad?

486. They went to your school for a meeting.

487. What?

488. My shoes hurt.

489. Well, have you tried pulling up your socks all the way,

490. Mr. Lamonta?

491. Uh-Huh.

492. Oh, damn it! Mom and dad,

493. You know you're not supposed to leave home without a monitor!

494. Hey, hey, mister. We don't swear in here, and we respect our elders!

495. You are expelled until further notice!

496. I'm expelled, too!

497. I wanna be expelled, too.

498. No, no, no, mrs. Lamonta,

499. Your son is the one i'm concerned about.

500. my parents...

501. Running to them, or running away from them,

502. Either way, it was always them.

503. And always running.

504. Son...

505. Dad.

506. Your mother and i are very proud of you,

507. We really are,

508. But sometimes, we can't say what we mean.

509. From now on, whenever i say

510. "My shoes hurt,"

511. You just imagine i'm saying

512. "I love you."

513. Sure, pop.

514. And be patient with your mom.

515. She's trying her best.

516. And look at me...

517. Knucklehead!

518. Oh, um,

519. Would you wake us when b.J. And the bear comes on?

520. You got it, dad!

521. So, on i ran,

522. And run, i did,

523. Until i became a world-Class running man.

524. And a 3-Time olympic gold medalist.

525. Me...

526. Bob lamonta,

527. We won! We won!

528. We win! We win!

529. Mom, dad... i did it, you see?

530. My shoes hurt!

531. My shoes hurt, too, dad.

532. My shoes hurt, too.

533. Thank you.

534. Thank you.

535. It's all true,

536. Uh, except for a few dramatic choices,

537. It's all true.

538. Uh, i'm not dead.

539. I'm alive.

540. Um...

541. And both of my parents

542. Were not retarded.

543. My father was of normal intelligence.

544. My mother was also of normal intelligence.

545. Um, i never ran in the olympics.

546. Um...

547. I did a few walkathons, though.

548. Uh, did pretty well.

549. Did all right. Did ok.

550. Uh, let's see, what else? Uh...

551. Uh...

552. Oh! I did have a moustache, though, for a little while,

553. But i thought it made me look gay, so...

554. All right, enough of my jibber-Jabbering,

555. We've got some deweys to give away!

556. And now, the moment you've all been waiting for.

557. I'm going to open this envelope

558. That has all of your names in it.

559. It's open.

560. Come on up here and get your awards! You're all winners!

561. Bring it out here. Bring it out here.

562. All right, settle down, settle down, settle down.

563. All right, john hamlinson.

564. Is there a john hamlinson? Come on, gimme that.

565. John hamlinson. There you go, hamlinson.

566. Larry clyde, for tommy's story.

567. There you are, clyde.

568. Bill hoop, for billy's story.

569. Bill hoop? Hoop? There you go, hoop.

570. Come on, please give me that. John beecher.

571. John beecher? There you go, beecher.

572. All right, who are you?

573. Carl esnick, for down driving.

574. Esnick's a no-Show, who wants it?

575. Who's gonna accept? Who's gonna accept?

576. All right, here. Gotta be quicker next time.

577. Let go of my hand, come on.

578. All right, jill potato?

579. Jill potato? There you go, potato,

580. Nice work.

581. All right, mike yalonan.

582. Mike yalonan? All right!

583. Hey, you got— All right, that's it for you.

584. All right, who's next? Who's next?

585. Billy pitterwatt? Billy pitterwatt. There you go, pitterwatt.

586. Closed captions provided by softitler