Mr. Show with Bob and David 3x10

1. Closed captions provided by softitler

2. Tallyho, it's bob and david.

3. All right!

4. All right!

5. Well, thank you very much.

6. Uh, we've got our very first one-Hour special tonight.

7. Yeah! Yeah!

8. It's a tribute to, uh, some of the people and places

9. That have made us what we are today.

10. Places like coco's college in vermont.

11. And the salzburg academy in austria

12. Where i learned to whistle.

13. And people like this man, our greatest inspiration,

14. Our high school guidance counselor.

15. Folks, live via satellite,

16. It's moe phelps, everyone!

17. Moe! Hello!

18. Hi.

19. Oh, hello, bob and david.

20. Hi, mr. Phelps,

21. We just wanted to say thank you.

22. You really made a difference.

23. Yeah. Hey, i don't know if you remember what you said to us.

24. When we came to you,

25. We said we wanted to be actors,

26. And—And you said,

27. "Why's anybody wanna be an actor for? All— "

28. "All acting is, is jumping up and down

29. And yelling and screaming a lot."

30. Yeah, i tell everyone that.

31. Yeah, well, it really worked for us, man,

32. 'Cause, hey, look at us, we got our own show.

33. Yeah! On t.V. !

34. Oh, good luck with it,

35. Maybe you'll catch a break.

36. No, we don't need a break, sir.

37. We've got our own show.

38. Well, maybe it will lead to something.

39. It already did.

40. Yeah, we're on t.V. This is our t.V. Show.

41. Consider it a stepping stone to something worthwhile, then.

42. What do you mean?

43. This is what we want to be doing,

44. What we're doing now.

45. Well, maybe you can keep it as a hobby.

46. Ah!

47. You don't understand what we're trying to say!

48. Boys!

49. That—That is some of the finest acting i have ever seen.

50. If i had anything to do with it, i'm proud.

51. That's why i do this.

52. Well...

53. Oh, hi, gus.

54. Ho, jeez! Goodnight, gus.

55. In hidden valley high school,

56. One man with a mission does what he can to lighten the mood.

57. His name: gus kryzinski,

58. Night janitor and community treasure.

59. Well...

60. I just think there's a lot of sadness out there in the world...

61. And in a lot of kids, too.

62. I'm just trying to do my part.

63. ( Man ) as the night janitor, he plays to an empty gallery,

64. But that doesn't hamper his antics one bit.

65. He does what?

66. At night?

67. Well, i don't see any of the night workers,

68. But we have a pretty good cleaning staff.

69. Gus kryzinski.

70. At night, when we're all fast asleep at home,

71. He's busy doing his job

72. And making us smile.

73. For local world news, i'm john...

74. ( Announcer ) you're watching local world news,

75. Local news from around the world.

76. And now, here's your anchorman, brandt waterman.

77. Hello, i'm brandt waterman.

78. We have an update on tonight's top story.

79. Jazz witherspoon, our field reporter,

80. Is on the scene in hamilton, ontario.

81. Jazz.

82. Yes, brandt. I'm standing outside this humble home

83. In hamilton, ontario,

84. Where a man who calls himself "the button man" resides.

85. Art keeslan has over 30,000 buttons in his private collection.

86. He is a man we can truly call "a button collector."

87. Those are the latest facts, brandt.

88. I'll keep you updated on any new developments as they occur.

89. Jazz, does the button man

90. Plan to continue collecting buttons?

91. No official word on that,

92. But the feeling on the street

93. Is that this is far from over.

94. Well, we certainly wish him the very best.

95. Later tonight,

96. We'll have an update from the war-Torn gaza strip,

97. Where betty mcfee will tell us all about tripper, the counting dog.

98. And we'll meet a man who makes art out of garbage.

99. In a few moments, though,

100. A lighter side to tonight's news.

101. But first,

102. A fluffy marshmallow shaped like a bunny was found today in—

103. Oh, i'm getting more breaking news, heh.

104. What a news day this is turning out to be.

105. It seems that a local boy is making good, as we speak.

106. Carl bellflower has the story. Carl.

107. Hi, i'm carl bellflower,

108. The singing news reporter.

109. Daniel smith, valedictorian, la flant high,

110. And top of his class, harvard law school,

111. Is being considered for a job at this prestigious law firm.

112. Oh, there he is now. Daniel.

113. Daniel!

114. Mr. Smith, welcome.

115. I'm francis danmen, executive partner.

116. This is john hamlinson, managing associate,

117. And, of course, kennard chamberlain,

118. The senior member of the firm.

119. Hello. Hello.

120. Sit down,

121. Sit down. Thanks.

122. I trust your flight was all right?

123. Yes, sir. It was great.

124. Daniel, you were one of the top in your class at harvard.

125. The top in my class, sir.

126. That's why you're here.

127. Dan, we like to think of this firm as a big family.

128. We'd like you to be part of our family.

129. Well, thank you, sir. Thank you.

130. Our offer.

131. I think you'll find that it far exceeds any of your other offers.

132. Dan, as a member of this firm, you'll be one of the elite.

133. A life of privilege will be yours.

134. Dan, we would like you to give us a blow job.

135. We would be very proud to have you give us a blow job.

136. You are our man.

137. Uh...

138. A b-Blow, a blow job?

139. You'll have a very bright future.

140. Country club membership,

141. A house in glen ross estates, just across the way from me.

142. A brand new mercedes, you pick the color.

143. I'm—I'm sorry. A—A blow job?

144. Dan, look out that window.

145. 90 lawyers work at this firm.

146. Most of 'em come to work, never make more than $45,000 in a year.

147. You would be in the top 2 percent in the country.

148. And that's just in the first year. I'm sorry, kennard, continue.

149. I'm—I'm sorry. I-It's, uh, ok.

150. Um, it's the blow job.

151. Uh, i'm a lawyer.

152. And we're one of the largest law firms in the country, yeah, so...

153. Dan, you would have a beautiful house in a growing community.

154. I know you wanna have—

155. O-Ok, please— Sir, i feel very privileged to be meeting with you,

156. But i—I don't understand—

157. All right, all right, hold on, dan.

158. Gentlemen, if i could?

159. Dan, i went to school with your father.

160. Ok, maybe we're hitting you with a lot of things here.

161. Let me try to explain.

162. We want a really good blow job,

163. One worthy of your caliber.

164. But—But i'm—

165. Talk to your wife, take some time to think about it.

166. Not too long.

167. I—I was the f-First in my class.

168. Uh-Huh.

169. In law. I was the first in my class in law.

170. Well, it should be a very good blow job then.

171. We will await your answer.

172. Well, you don't have to wait, because the answer is no.

173. Ok? S-So you can keep your homes

174. And your country clubs and your blow jobs...

175. Because i'm gonna be the best damn lawyer in this country!

176. And—And i'm gonna go to court

177. And i'm gonna argue every case i can against you and your fat-Cat clients!

178. And i'm gonna win!

179. Oh, my!

180. What? What?

181. Do you really believe that court cases are decided by juries

182. Making decisions based on evidence and lawyers' arguments?

183. Oh, danny, how could you be so naive?

184. Dan, court cases are decided by a series of blow jobs.

185. In fact,

186. Our entire civilization is built on blow jobs.

187. Everything from medicine...

188. A blow job?

189. Oh, come on, george, surely you don't believe that people get well

190. Through treatment with medicine or surgery, do you?

191. ( Kennard ) to religion...

192. Come on, you don't really believe that your sins will be forgiven

193. By saying some prayers and doing a few good works, do you?

194. ( Kennard ) to prostitution...

195. So, i have to give you—

196. You don't really believe that i just give you a blow job

197. In exchange for some money, do you?

198. Yeah...

199. Dude, come on. The sick kid's waiting.

200. Thank you so much for coming.

201. All he ever does is talk about titanica.

202. You're his favorite band.

203. Hey, glad to help out a fan.

204. Yeah.

205. His parents are afraid he is going to try to kill himself again.

206. Oh, well,

207. People don't usually jump into a vat of acid twice, do they?

208. Well, we hope not,

209. But maybe you can convince him that his life is worth living.

210. We'll do our best.

211. Adam.

212. You have some visitors.

213. Adam.

214. No way, titanica! Oh, my god!

215. What are you doing here?

216. We came to see you, buddy.

217. Yeah, we were in town doing a show.

218. We said, "hey, let's go see adam."

219. Hey.

220. ( Adam ) hey!

221. Man, i have all your albums.

222. Huh, you're my favorite band.

223. I mean, i played your song, try suicide,

224. Right before i tried suicide.

225. Yeah, your fuckin' parents sued us.

226. Yeah, but you guys won. That's excellent!

227. Hey, man, we brought you some gifts.

228. First of all, an all-Access backstage pass

229. To every concert on our next tour.

230. Cool!

231. There you go.

232. Oh, yeah, we got you this t-Shirt.

233. Yeah!

234. Our new t-Shirt. Hey, buddy, try it on.

235. Oh, my god!

236. Oh! Oh, Jesus!

237. The acid came right up to my chin.

238. Yeah, the doctor said i should be dead, huh?

239. It doesn't look

240. That bad, it actually looks kind of cool, man.

241. Let's put the sheet back.

242. No, no, no, no, no, no no, no, no! No!

243. The cool air.

244. The cool air feels good.

245. Oh!

246. Oh! Oh!

247. Well, we,

248. We brought you some other stuff.

249. We brought you this cool studded wristband.

250. Oh, put it on!

251. Oh!

252. Hey, it'd make a cool belt.

253. Yeah, yeah, it'd be a cool belt.

254. Oh! Oh!

255. Yeah!

256. Oh, hey, we got you a hat, too, man.

257. Cool!

258. Hey, look at that. It even fits.

259. All right!

260. I'm the coolest kid in the world.

261. Everyone's going to want to hang out with me,

262. Especially when they see me hanging out with you guys,

263. Backstage at every show in every city.

264. Yay!

265. Band meeting, man.

266. Guys?

267. Man, we can't have him on the road with us.

268. He looks like a wet cigar.

269. Kid, we'd never get laid again.

270. I just wanted to make sure we were all on the same page.

271. I got an idea.

272. Hey, how was your meeting?

273. It went real well.

274. Listen, little dude,

275. We decided we're gonna write a song about you.

276. Really, about me?

277. Whoo-Hoo! Yay! 3 cheers for me!

278. One,

279. 2,

280. 3!

281. Yay!

282. Rock lyrics, do they influence our kids?

283. Our topic in 2 weeks.

284. But tonight, the elderly.

285. Good evening and welcome to the pre-Taped call in show,

286. Where we tape all our shows a week in advance.

287. I'm your host ken doral...

288. And, uh, let's try it again.

289. It's really not that hard, ok?

290. Our topic, once again, is the elderly.

291. Ok. We're—We're taping it now

292. And it airs next week, ok?

293. So, if you're watching me talk about the elderly,

294. Don't call to talk about it, it's too late.

295. Instead, call about cooking,

296. Which is next week's topic. Ok?

297. If you wanted to talk about the elderly,

298. You should have called last week

299. When our pet care show was airing,

300. But we were taping the elderly show.

301. ( Whispering ) ok.

302. Ok.

303. So,

304. Here we go. Hello?

305. ( Male caller #1 ) hi, ken, great show.

306. Thank you. What can i do for you?

307. Uh, my dog has a disobedience problem and—

308. Ok, ok. Th-There you go.

309. Ok, that's—That's boo-Boo number one.

310. Hopefully, that'll be our last.

311. Ok, uh, look, if you wanted to talk about pet care,

312. You should've called 2 weeks ago

313. When our show on racism was airing, ok?

314. I'm doing a show about the elderly right now...

315. Which, of course, for you people watching, means

316. Call in about cooking.

317. Ok.

318. We'll see if we—

319. Hello.

320. ( Male caller #2 ) yeah, hi. Uh, what's goin' on?

321. I mean, you're doing a show about pet care,

322. But everybody's talking about racism, i don't—

323. No! No! Ok, no, no, no!

324. No, i'm not doing a show about pet care,

325. I'm doing a show about the elderly.

326. The people calling about racism are watching the show that aired

327. When we were taping the pet show,

328. Which is airing now, ok?

329. If they wanted to talk about racism,

330. They should've called 3 weeks ago,

331. When our crime in the streets show aired. Ok?

332. It's— Just— Let's think before we...

333. All right.

334. All right.

335. Ok.

336. Here we go. Hello?

337. ( Male caller #3 ) yes, i'd like to talk about my grandma.

338. Oh, all right. Yeah, yeah, ok. Good.

339. Ok, well, she has this cat that's keeping her up at night and, uh—

340. Well, sir—Sir, can i— Can i just say that— That— That—That, uh,

341. Difficulty with sleeping

342. Is a common problem with— With the elderly of today.

343. Yeah, but i really think the cat is more the problem.

344. I mean, the cat's rambunctious and—

345. No, no. Sir, obviously your elderly grandmother is the problem,

346. Because that's what this week's show is about!

347. Yeah, but i'm watching the show right now and—

348. Idiot! It's simple! Look at this.

349. This is what's airing right now! The pet care show.

350. Listen, look, we're talking about pets!

351. Stop calling about racism! We did that a week ago. Look, here.

352. Listen to me, for the last time,

353. Crime in the streets happened last week.

354. Everything i'm saying happened last week!

355. Look, here!

356. and that concludes our first show, crime in the streets.

357. I can't help but think it would've gone a little better

358. Had somebody actually called in,

359. But i guess that's because you won't see me until next week.

360. Oh, well, as soon as we get the kinks worked out here,

361. I'm sure it's gonna be a great, great show.

362. ( Announcer ) thank you for watching the convoluted network.

363. And now, the 2nd half of the premiere

364. Of the return of the curse of the creature's ghost, already in progress.

365. He's dead.

366. This is it.

367. My friends, i'm afraid this is the return

368. Of the curse of the creature's ghost.

369. But how must we stop this creature?

370. It's not the creature we have to be afraid of, ma'am,

371. It's the creature's ghost.

372. I think we should be worried more about

373. The return of the curse.

374. Curse of the creature?

375. Curse of the ghost!

376. Oh!

377. The ghost has returned with the creature's curse!

378. So, the creature put a curse on the ghost!

379. Please, everyone,

380. We must know what it is we're supposed to be afraid of.

381. It's a dumb shirt.

382. It's a gay movie.

383. Yeah? Well, i'm wearin' it 'cause i hate it.

384. That's cool, man. Cool.

385. Ok, is everybody here? Well, let's get started then

386. With the president's address.

387. Steve?

388. I'm the great president, steve.

389. All right. "Extracurricular clubs.

390. "Extracurricular clubs are very popular among many dumb shits.

391. "Chess club, french club, computer club, are all gay.

392. So why shouldn't we have a club, just cause we're not interested in anything?"

393. People are dicks. You know?

394. This is a stupid club, but, you know, at least it's our stupid club,

395. So, you know, it's less stupid than the other clubs.

396. And—And also, it's not gay.

397. Ok, very good, any opening comments?

398. Ok, sarah, you're taking notes?

399. No!

400. All right.

401. Any other thoughts?

402. Yeah, why does steve get to be president? How come i can't be president?

403. Well, do you wanna be president?

404. No.

405. Great. Good.

406. Ok, let's get down to beeswax.

407. Our senior field trip.

408. Now, this is the last time we get to spend together,

409. So let's make it special.

410. Now, first we have to choose a place we might go.

411. Are there any suggestions?

412. Nowhere!

413. Ok, well, all right.

414. Well, we—We did go there last year.

415. You went there.

416. Well that's right, steve, 'cause i was the only one who showed up.

417. Any—Anybody else?

418. All right, now we're talking, very good.

419. Uh, any other thoughts?

420. Um, how about... up your mother's ass?

421. Ok, what does everyone think of that?

422. Whatever.

423. Whatever!

424. Ok, some interest there, very good.

425. My mom's...

426. Ass.

427. Ok.

428. Now, let me suggest one, all right?

429. The henry ford museum in detroit.

430. Now, i have always wanted to go there—

431. Why don't you?

432. Well...

433. We'll take a vote and maybe i'll get to.

434. All right. Very good.

435. Ok. Now, to decide,

436. We'll have a little discussion, shall we?

437. First of all, "nowhere."

438. Ok. Well,

439. We went there last year so let's kinda skip that.

440. Ok. All right, um,

441. Tom's fart. Now, who likes that?

442. Of course you do, tom, you suggested it.

443. Ok. Now, um...

444. Ok, the henry ford museum...

445. Let me say a little something about this.

446. Now, this is really where america

447. Came into its own.

448. To think that this man,

449. This henry ford,

450. Through sheer industriousness,

451. Built an empire,

452. I think we'd all find it quite humbling.

453. Um..

454. It sounds gay to me.

455. Well, yeah, it is a little gay.

456. No takers?

457. Ok.

458. My, uh, my mother's ass. Now,

459. Can anyone tell me what would be, uh,

460. Fun or great or educational about this?

461. Uh, it would be a great way to learn

462. How to have fun up inside your mom's ass?

463. Sh-Should we take a vote?

464. No.

465. Well, we can't really decide if we don't vote.

466. So what?

467. "So what."

468. You know, when i suggested this club, the principal said, "so what?"

469. Some of your parents said, "so what?"

470. One of them said, "see if i care."

471. But i said, "uh-Uh!

472. "If someone will just take those kids seriously,

473. They'll change." And you know what they said?

474. That's right, tom.

475. Well, i'll tell you something.

476. You didn't change,

477. But you changed me.

478. That's right.

479. You taught me that not everything is stupid.

480. Some things are gay.

481. And i thank you for that.

482. I guess what i'm trying to say is,

483. Pack your bags, gang, we're going up my mom's ass.

484. Come on, step right in, it'll be fun!

485. C'mon, jump in, you're gonna love it.

486. That's for you, mr. Phelps.

487. Well, thank you very much, david.

488. This has been one of the most wonderful hours of my life.

489. Cool.

490. And maybe someday you'll get to sing that on a t.V. Show.

491. Jesus christ.

492. Mr. Phelps, we're all actors, and—

493. Well, i'm sorry to hear about it, john.

494. Well, it is hard being an actor, but—

495. What's so hard about it?

496. I've seen actors in plays before. It's stupid!

497. Everybody says shakespeare's so great.

498. Well, how come nobody's ever heard of him?

499. Hell, i'll write you a play!

500. All you need is a silly old king's hat,

501. And some fancy sissy clothes out of your sister's drawers,

502. And ya get up on the stage,

503. And ya go nuts.

504. I'm the king! I'm mad!

505. I want the news from my kingdom!

506. Help me out here, gang!

507. I'm the queen! Blah, blah, blah! Look at me!

508. Excellent! Now you're getting it!

509. Your majesty, i'm a clown or something.

510. I've got makeup on my face,

511. 'Cause my mommy and daddy didn't give me enough attention!

512. Excellent, tom!

513. Paul!

514. I'm a big actor!

515. Look at the great big actor on the stage!

516. I yell the loudest! Look at me!

517. Excellent job.

518. Oh, mighty king, we are your sons,

519. And we're loud, stupid actors, and we're gonna have

520. A big, dumb sword fight in your honor!

521. ( All ) we are a collection of screaming jackasses!

522. Let the loud screaming sword fight begin!

523. Ooh! I am dead!

524. Oh, yea! Oh, yea!

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