1. hey, pop a wheelie,
it's bob and david!Copy !req
2. Yeah.
All right.Copy !req
3. Hey, david.Copy !req
4. Hey, uh...Copy !req
5. Hey, bob, what's with
The running stuff?Copy !req
6. Oh, it's nothing.Copy !req
7. It's just part of my
Charity work, no big deal.Copy !req
8. Oh. Um, well,
Tonight's show,Copy !req
9. We're going to feature
A new wig, and it's styled by—Copy !req
10. All right, all right,
I'll talk about it.Copy !req
11. 'Cause you all
Caught meCopy !req
12. In the middle of my
Annual 10-day runCopy !req
13. For people with
Full-blown entitilitus.Copy !req
14. Anyway, tonight's wig is
Styled by the house of—Copy !req
15. It's a lot of work
To do, yeah, I know,Copy !req
16. But that's the
Kind of guy I am.Copy !req
17. I'm very selfless,
I'm very giving, uh...Copy !req
18. It's just something I—
Come on!Copy !req
19. No, that's not
Why I'm doing this!Copy !req
20. Come on,
You can clap!Copy !req
21. No, that's not—Copy !req
22. That is not why
I'm doing this.Copy !req
23. Hey, I'm good, too,
Though, you know.Copy !req
24. I'm good also,
I mean,Copy !req
25. What you're doing
Is sort of like...Copy !req
26. A lot like my work
With david's kids.Copy !req
27. Oh.
You know, each year...Copy !req
28. David, it's not
The same thing.Copy !req
29. Those kids are your
Illegitimate children.Copy !req
30. You have to
Support them.Copy !req
31. In fact, I think I have
To get to it right now.Copy !req
32. My "wheels to meals"
Program.Copy !req
33. "Wheels to meals" ?Copy !req
34. That's right, david.Copy !req
35. I deliver elderly
People to food.Copy !req
36. How ya doing,
Old-timer?Copy !req
37. It's good for
The old people,Copy !req
38. And it's good
For the food.Copy !req
39. You know what?Copy !req
40. That's actually, uh—
That's actually very similarCopy !req
41. To my work with
David's girls.Copy !req
42. Ah.Copy !req
43. David, hardly,
Hardly.Copy !req
44. Paying models to
Wear paper clothesCopy !req
45. And have pillow fights
Is not charity work.Copy !req
46. Oh, I know.Copy !req
47. Then that's like
My work with david.Copy !req
48. That's my boy—
Me!Copy !req
49. Hey, tiger!Copy !req
50. How ya doing?Copy !req
51. No, david, no.Copy !req
52. No, that's not charity
Either, david.Copy !req
53. Charity is when you
Do something for peopleCopy !req
54. While other people
Are watching.Copy !req
55. And while I'm
On the subject...Copy !req
56. Have we got
These cameras on?Copy !req
57. Which one?
Oh, right here, great.Copy !req
58. I've got a phone call
I have to make.Copy !req
59. Well, whoa. Who
Are you calling?Copy !req
60. Oh, it's nothing.Copy !req
61. Just a friend of mine.Copy !req
62. Gary. He's blind.Copy !req
63. I like to call him and
Read him a comic strip.Copy !req
64. I figure it
Brightens his day.Copy !req
65. He's, ah,
Blind from birth.Copy !req
66. Aw!
Tsss!Copy !req
67. Yeah, ok, bob,
Let's do this.Copy !req
68. He's really
Excited.Copy !req
69. Ok, in the
First panel,Copy !req
70. Calvin's in church,Copy !req
71. And church is
Kinda weird,Copy !req
72. But it's funny,
Man, it's funny.Copy !req
73. I wish I could
Describe it to you—Copy !req
74. Nancy, could
You get meCopy !req
75. All invoices for
Jaker and rubbs?Copy !req
76. Sorry, gary,
What was that?Copy !req
77. Don't worry about it,
Bob. Read the thing.Copy !req
78. Oh, ok.Copy !req
79. Ok, now, in
The 2nd panel,Copy !req
80. Calvin's in hell, and
It's totally scary,Copy !req
81. But it's kinda
Funny, it's...Copy !req
82. God, I wish you could
See it! I mean...Copy !req
83. I can't really
Describe it,Copy !req
84. But it's got, like,
Faces on the flames,Copy !req
85. Thanks, thanks a lot.
You're a good man,Copy !req
86. And, uh, you
Brighten my day.Copy !req
87. And on behalf of
Blind people everywhere,Copy !req
88. Ok, but there's
A 3rd panel, gary.Copy !req
89. Bob? I don't
Spend my dayCopy !req
90. Fuckin' around on
A television show.Copy !req
91. I have a
Company to run.Copy !req
92. Mr. Haberson,
A mr. Phil leshkin called.Copy !req
93. He wants to read you
The racing form.Copy !req
94. And a mr. Genetto
Called.Copy !req
95. He wants to read you
The back of a cereal box,Copy !req
96. In case you're
Having breakfast.Copy !req
97. All right.Copy !req
98. Phew.Copy !req
99. You know, like many
People with disabilities,Copy !req
100. I lead a full,
Active life.Copy !req
101. But every now and then,
I like to take a few minutesCopy !req
102. To let a non-handicapped
Person "help me."Copy !req
103. It could be
Something as smallCopy !req
104. As letting them
Read the paper,Copy !req
105. Or as big as a
Weekend at the zoo.Copy !req
106. It gives a sense
Of purposeCopy !req
107. To their otherwise
Meaningless existence.Copy !req
108. this is especially
true in hollywood,Copy !req
109. where celebrities are
grossly rewardedCopy !req
110. for insignificant
achievements,Copy !req
111. and lead empty,
trivial lives.Copy !req
112. for years, handicapped
people have donated their timeCopy !req
113. to give just a
little bit of meaningCopy !req
114. to these otherwise sad
and hollow individuals.Copy !req
115. from big-time telethons
to small, anonymous gestures,Copy !req
116. handicapped people
are there for you.Copy !req
117. Thank you.Copy !req
118. You're welcome.Copy !req
119. Linda, don't
Leave me!Copy !req
120. Todd!Copy !req
121. Linda, don't do this
To me. I love you.Copy !req
122. I know, but
I want more.Copy !req
123. I want more,
Too.Copy !req
124. You know? I want
To be with you.Copy !req
125. To be with you,
And, you know...Copy !req
126. A team.Copy !req
127. Ask her to
Marry you.Copy !req
128. What?Copy !req
129. Ask her to
Marry you!Copy !req
130. Come on,
Be a man!Copy !req
131. If you feel
It, say it.Copy !req
132. Yeah.Copy !req
133. Linda...Copy !req
134. Will you
Marry me?Copy !req
135. Oh.Copy !req
136. Aw.Copy !req
137. That's nice.Copy !req
138. I'm sorry.
No, I can't.Copy !req
139. Is it something
I did? I mean...Copy !req
140. ( Speaking
Japanese )Copy !req
141. Oh, he said, uh...Copy !req
142. He said, "ask her if you can
Still go out occasionally."Copy !req
143. Can we still go
Out occasionally?Copy !req
144. No, sorry.Copy !req
145. Jesus.Copy !req
146. Hit her.Copy !req
147. Hit her!Copy !req
148. He said,
"Give her kung fu."Copy !req
149. Yeah, be a man!Copy !req
150. Hit her! Hit her!Copy !req
151. Shut up! Shut up!
Shut up!Copy !req
152. Oh, todd!
I'm sorry, linda!Copy !req
153. Aw!Copy !req
154. Oh!Copy !req
155. Kiss her.Copy !req
156. Slip her
The tongue.Copy !req
157. Grab
Her ass.Copy !req
158. What are you—
Stop it!Copy !req
159. What's wrong
With you?Copy !req
160. And then you try
To grope me?Copy !req
161. You need help!Copy !req
162. Punch the wall.Copy !req
163. I'm gonna punch you.Copy !req
164. You better not,
Buster brown.Copy !req
165. Hello, I'm dr. Sammy,Copy !req
166. old lady, biker,
gay guy, japanese man—Copy !req
167. the 4 voices within.Copy !req
168. You see,
Inside each of usCopy !req
169. Are 4 distinct
Drives or voices.Copy !req
170. Our old lady is
Our shortsighted,Copy !req
171. Impatient,
Doddering old fool,Copy !req
172. Prone to violence and
Rash decision-making.Copy !req
173. Our biker backs her up
Every step of the way.Copy !req
174. Which only our biker
Can translate...Copy !req
175. And transcend.Copy !req
176. My program is designed
To wrangle these 4.Copy !req
177. I'll be at the
Holiday center spotCopy !req
178. Hello, I'm
Dr. Randy terry,Copy !req
179. Author of
the 5 voices.Copy !req
180. Inside each of us
Is an old lady,Copy !req
181. A gay guy, a biker
And a japanese man,Copy !req
182. The false
Doctor voice.Copy !req
183. This voice will be
At the holiday inn spotCopy !req
184. Do not visit him.Copy !req
185. Oh, hello.Copy !req
186. I see you've met
Voice 4 and a half—Copy !req
187. "Dr. Jealousy."Copy !req
188. Ignore it.Copy !req
189. Fuck you!Copy !req
190. Oh... Brilliant
Retort, a-hole.Copy !req
191. Ok, now we'll see who
Exists in whose mind.Copy !req
192. Biker,
Beat him up!Copy !req
193. tonight, in your head,Copy !req
194. the ultimate cage match—Copy !req
195. gay guy, old woman,
biker and japanese man,Copy !req
196. and not one,
but two doctors!Copy !req
197. only one left,
only one left!Copy !req
198. only one left,
only one left.Copy !req
199. Only one left.Copy !req
200. What?Copy !req
201. Only one left.Copy !req
202. Please, just pick
One more doughnut.Copy !req
203. Ok.Copy !req
204. My head is
Pounding, all right?Copy !req
205. It's like I'm
Hearing voices.Copy !req
206. What'll it be, sir?Copy !req
207. Ok, for my last
Doughnut choice,Copy !req
208. I would like
To have a...Copy !req
209. I will have a...Copy !req
210. Single...Copy !req
211. Doughnut...Copy !req
212. Made...Copy !req
213. Out...Copy !req
214. Of...Copy !req
215. Jam.Copy !req
216. Jelly?Copy !req
217. Yeah, I already
Told you once.Copy !req
218. Keep the change.Copy !req
219. You want a
Doughnut?Copy !req
220. No, I don't eat
Doughnuts or hamburgersCopy !req
221. Or any other food that has
"Approval of the masses."Copy !req
222. Notice I didn't say "TV."Copy !req
223. "TV" is a nickname, and nicknames are for friends,Copy !req
224. and television is no friend of mine.Copy !req
225. You wanna go
See a movie then?Copy !req
226. We could go see that
One about the coupon.Copy !req
227. I only go and see
Foreign films.Copy !req
228. You wanna listen
To some cds?Copy !req
229. Oh, please,
Compact discs blow.Copy !req
230. People need to hear snaps
And pops and that shit.Copy !req
231. What is that?Copy !req
232. This, my friend,Copy !req
233. Is the only modern piece
Of equipment I will touch.Copy !req
234. Is it a cd player?Copy !req
235. No, I just—
It's a mini-victrola,Copy !req
236. And it allows me
To listen toCopy !req
237. The only decent music
Ever committed to vinyl.Copy !req
238. Vinyl?Copy !req
239. Yes-s-s.Copy !req
240. Is it a d.A.T.
Player?Copy !req
241. Jesus,
Just listen.Copy !req
242. Man, it's so pure,
It hurts.Copy !req
243. he was the most popular
entertainer of his time.Copy !req
244. Dickie crickets was the king
Of megaphone crooning,Copy !req
245. Or, as we called it back then,
"Megaphone crooning."Copy !req
246. this is before
rudy vallee,Copy !req
247. before maurice chevalier,Copy !req
248. and dickie was ahead
of everybody.Copy !req
249. 1923 was dickie's year,
though, boy.Copy !req
250. 3 songs,
all number 1.Copy !req
251. automobile, elevator,
And aeroplane.Copy !req
252. look, everything is
hunky-dory for dickie,Copy !req
253. Until kid jersey
Came along.Copy !req
254. Thank you.Copy !req
255. and he was polite.Copy !req
256. He would always say...Copy !req
257. "Thank you."Copy !req
258. he coined the term. People—Copy !req
259. Everybody's saying it now.Copy !req
260. Well, dickie
Hated him for that.Copy !req
261. And he hit back hard.Copy !req
262. people didn't want
to hear songs about thingsCopy !req
263. That hadn't even been
Invented yet.Copy !req
264. They wanted songs
About new inventions.Copy !req
265. But the scientists
Weren't coming upCopy !req
266. With the new inventions
Quickly enough.Copy !req
267. so 1929,Copy !req
268. dickie and the kid
decide to join forces.Copy !req
269. they crossed
the countryCopy !req
270. on the "monsters of
megaphone" tour.Copy !req
271. before they could
sing about it.Copy !req
272. that was the rule.Copy !req
273. and a man from
the patent officeCopy !req
274. monitored the whole thing,
and people loved it.Copy !req
275. thank you.Copy !req
276. Sorry, sorry.Copy !req
277. thank you.Copy !req
278. well, it was all
downhill from there.Copy !req
279. People were all
Megaphoned out.Copy !req
280. Public's fickle, I guess.Copy !req
281. Tisha!Copy !req
282. Tisha.Copy !req
283. Where's dickie
And the kid?Copy !req
284. Ah, forget it.Copy !req
285. They're lost in
Their own world.Copy !req
286. Why not?Copy !req
287. It was a golden
Time for them...Copy !req
288. And for american
Entertainment.Copy !req
289. You still
Got it, kid.Copy !req
290. Thank you.Copy !req
291. Those days
Are gone now.Copy !req
292. Nowadays,Copy !req
293. That nobody
Goes to see.Copy !req
294. Nothin' but
A bunch of crap.Copy !req
295. Bunch of bullshit.Copy !req
296. Stupid—Copy !req
297. coupon! The movie
Has made zero money.Copy !req
298. You people
Are responsible.Copy !req
299. I wanna know what
The hell happened!Copy !req
300. Look,
The reports showCopy !req
301. Everyone uses it.Copy !req
302. People love the coupon,
They should love the movie.Copy !req
303. Well, they don't!Copy !req
304. And what
I want to know is,Copy !req
305. Who green-lighted
This picture?Copy !req
306. Tom!
Didn't even glance at it.Copy !req
307. I thought I saw
It on your desk.Copy !req
308. No, I didn't
Green-light it.Copy !req
309. As I remember it,
I farmed this thing out,Copy !req
310. I was just
Shepherding it around.Copy !req
311. David?
David?Copy !req
312. Huh?Copy !req
313. The green light,
Not the movie.Copy !req
314. I gave a go-ahead
To the green light.Copy !req
315. I mean, this thing
Had a thumbs-upCopy !req
316. Way before
It got to me.Copy !req
317. It wasn't even my thumb.
It was a woman's thumb.Copy !req
318. Jill?
Jill?Copy !req
319. I... Vaguely recall
Giving it a thumbs-up,Copy !req
320. But that's not the same
As a green light, sir.Copy !req
321. Bob, you've been
Very quiet.Copy !req
322. Bob?
Bob?Copy !req
323. Bob?
Bob?Copy !req
324. Oh...Copy !req
325. Uh, well, uh,
What we've got hereCopy !req
326. Is a classic
Chinese telephone.Copy !req
327. Nothing against
The chinese.Copy !req
328. Which is an old term
From the '30sCopy !req
329. That means
"Cut loose."Copy !req
330. Paul?Copy !req
331. Paul?
Paul?Copy !req
332. No! I... Sir...Copy !req
333. All I gave this
Was the oldCopy !req
334. "1, 2, buckle my shoe,
3, 4, shut the door,Copy !req
335. "5, 6, the... Sticks..."Copy !req
336. Jay!Copy !req
337. Jay?
Jay?Copy !req
338. Now, people, sure,
I may have, you know...Copy !req
339. Slapped it up a bit,
You know,Copy !req
340. Sure, I might've
Done that.Copy !req
341. ( Singing gibberish
With strange voice )Copy !req
342. You're right!
You're right!Copy !req
343. But, guys, I'm
Going down here.Copy !req
344. I swear,
I'll kill myself.Copy !req
345. And I'm not
Goin' down alone.Copy !req
346. You act like you're
The only one hereCopy !req
347. Who's been hurt
By this thing.Copy !req
348. You know, I wanted
To turn that movieCopy !req
349. Into an amusement
Park ride...Copy !req
350. So I could take my kids—
Samantha and joeyCopy !req
351. And little—
Little tyler on it for fun.Copy !req
352. But now I don't know
If I even want kids.Copy !req
353. I was gonna turn it into
A theme restaurant.Copy !req
354. What do I tell
My maid?Copy !req
355. What about me?Copy !req
356. So I could start
A trendy heroin habit.Copy !req
357. Well, now that's
Never gonna happen.Copy !req
358. No, no!Copy !req
359. I'll tell you
Who's responsible, sir—Copy !req
360. But they
Manipulated us.Copy !req
361. They tricked us
Into believingCopy !req
362. That this movie was
What they wanted to see,Copy !req
363. Pretending to
Like that coupon.Copy !req
364. Let me at 'em!Copy !req
365. Ow! Ow!Copy !req
366. Where's your golden
Public now, sir?Copy !req
367. I'll tell you where.Copy !req
368. They're all laughin'--
Laughin' at you.Copy !req
369. Laughin' at the
Big, fat asshole.Copy !req
370. Thank you.Copy !req
371. Thank you all...Copy !req
372. For opening my
Big, fat asshole eyes.Copy !req
373. Look, don't cry.Copy !req
374. Don't cry,
Movie executives.Copy !req
375. It's not
Your fault.Copy !req
376. The american publicCopy !req
377. Oh, they'll see this movie.
You bet they will.Copy !req
378. How are you
Gonna make 'em?Copy !req
379. We'll sue the pants
Off of them.Copy !req
380. And then we'll
Sell them pants!Copy !req
381. Yes!Copy !req
382. Coupon! The movieCopy !req
383. v. The people
of the united states.Copy !req
384. Are you or are you not
A member of the public?Copy !req
385. Answer the question.Copy !req
386. day 300, and we're
only on the "b's."Copy !req
387. Your honor,
We were cheated.Copy !req
388. No one saw
This movie.Copy !req
389. I'll bet you
Didn't even see it.Copy !req
390. Until next week.Copy !req
391. Did you see
The movie or not?Copy !req
392. I'm sorry!Copy !req
393. It was dark!Copy !req
394. I didn't know.
Objection, your honor.Copy !req
395. Did you use
The coupon or not?Copy !req
396. You're a liar!Copy !req
397. Ah, shut up.Copy !req
398. Do you own
Tube socks or not?Copy !req
399. It was a baby!Copy !req
400. No, I'm not sorry.Copy !req
401. Broken gavel.Copy !req
402. You're out of order,
I'm out of order,Copy !req
403. This whole court's
Out of order!Copy !req
404. Ow, my eye!Copy !req
405. Ow!Copy !req
406. This court finds
In favor of...Copy !req
407. The plaintiff.Copy !req
408. To one viewing of
coupon! The movie.Copy !req
409. And may god have
Mercy on your souls.Copy !req
410. Who wants to
Go friday?Copy !req
411. monolith pictures presents—Copy !req
412. in a world
filled with desire...Copy !req
413. where dreams seem
just out of reach...Copy !req
414. sometimes,
a chance meeting...Copy !req
415. can turn a stranger
into your best friend.Copy !req
416. Here you go,
Ma'am.Copy !req
417. "this is the movie
all of america must see."Copy !req
418. monolith pictures
presents...Copy !req
419. a famous
mortimer film...Copy !req
420. This'll save me
Some money.Copy !req
421. Coupon! The movie.Copy !req
422. when she's pushed
to the limit,Copy !req
423. she joins forces with
a ragtag group of kids...Copy !req
424. Fine.Copy !req
425. Scott, how
'Bout you?Copy !req
426. It was ok.Copy !req
427. and a man who was
bound to her by law.Copy !req
428. How 'bout you, honey?
How's work?Copy !req
429. You know, it's all right.
Same thing.Copy !req
430. together,
they hatch a planCopy !req
431. so crazy that it
just might work.Copy !req
432. Hey, kids, I'm gonna go
Shopping this weekend.Copy !req
433. You wanna come?Copy !req
434. Ok.Copy !req
435. Scott, what
About you?Copy !req
436. Ok.Copy !req
437. but sometimes,
even the best-laid plansCopy !req
438. can go awry.Copy !req
439. I'm taking the kids
Shopping later.Copy !req
440. Where to?Copy !req
441. Seberson's discount.Copy !req
442. Seberson's discount?Copy !req
443. Yeah, why?Copy !req
444. Well, they close
In an hour.Copy !req
445. I'd better get going.Copy !req
446. No, beth.Copy !req
447. Stay. Finish
Your sandwich.Copy !req
448. and a race
against time...Copy !req
449. Buckle up, kids.Copy !req
450. becomes a voyage
of discovery.Copy !req
451. Hey, mom,
Look what I can do.Copy !req
452. That's nice, honey.Copy !req
453. and you'll never believe
the surprise ending...Copy !req
454. Dead.Copy !req
455. All dead.Copy !req
456. where this happens.Copy !req
457. Honey.Copy !req
458. Guess what?Copy !req
459. What?Copy !req
460. I got you some socks.Copy !req
461. "a required romp,"Copy !req
462. and the director
of the fbi calledCopy !req
463. "warm... And mandatory."Copy !req
464. We saw
coupon! The movie.Copy !req
465. The woman totally
Used a couponCopy !req
466. To buy some socks!Copy !req
467. Yeah, and it
Was a movie!Copy !req
468. Coupon! The movie.Copy !req
469. see it once,
and you're free to go.Copy !req
470. I got it
Over with!Copy !req
471. I saw the shit
Out of it!Copy !req
472. and coming soon
to all amusement parks...Copy !req
473. Coupon! The movie,Copy !req
474. the ride.Copy !req
475. Wow!Copy !req
476. I'm wetter than
I've ever been,Copy !req
477. And I'm
From canada!Copy !req
478. and coming
next summer...Copy !req
479. Mr. Show— the credits.Copy !req
480. They're great!Copy !req
481. You totally know
Who did the show!Copy !req
482. The whole cast
Is in 'em!Copy !req
483. We met
At the credits.Copy !req
484. And now
We're married!Copy !req
485. Credits!Copy !req
486. I totally believe
In dragons now!Copy !req
487. Hi, my name is gem,
And I'm from cleveland!Copy !req
488. Did you guys, uh...Copy !req
489. See those guys
That I was with?Copy !req
490. They were, like—
They were like me.Copy !req
491. We were all yellin' ?Copy !req
492. The one—the one guy
Was like that?Copy !req
493. Now is not the time.Copy !req
494. Did anybody see that
Guy that was, um...Copy !req
495. Lookin' for me
From before?Copy !req
496. He was, like,
About my height,Copy !req
497. And a little
Longer hair?Copy !req
498. We were, like, in a group—
A whole group of people?Copy !req
499. 'Cause he's my ride.Copy !req
500. And, um...Copy !req
501. Has anybody—Copy !req
502. No way, dude!Copy !req
503. I totally thought
You were gone!Copy !req
504. I thought you
totally bailed!Copy !req