1. Here. Hold these.Copy !req
2. Daddy, I can't hold these anymore.Copy !req
3. Honey, I have told you,Copy !req
4. as long as you believe in
yourself, you can do anything.Copy !req
5. Let's go!Copy !req
6. We now join the IOL investors'
convo, already in progress.Copy !req
7. Tech Con has been amazing, huh?Copy !req
8. We've seen the meHat, the
world's first 3D digital hat...Copy !req
9. the digi-spoon...Copy !req
10. and googly-ears that
hear information for you.Copy !req
11. Now, it's time for the keynote
speaker. This is it, guys.Copy !req
12. He promises to tell us
tonight about the techCopy !req
13. that will allow each of us to do
three times the work we do now.Copy !req
14. In fact, tonight, he's
appearing here in person,Copy !req
15. but simultaneously, he's
in Davos at the G3 summit.Copy !req
16. And at the same time,
he's in a hot-air balloon,Copy !req
17. high up in the stratosphere,Copy !req
18. in a one-on-one session
with Richard Branson.Copy !req
19. How does he do it? Well,
we're gonna find out tonight.Copy !req
20. Here he is, IOL's digital
soothsayer, Shangy!Copy !req
21. Digital!Copy !req
22. Digital! Shh!Copy !req
23. Digital!Copy !req
24. Shh!Copy !req
25. Digital, yeah? Digital.Copy !req
26. Digital.Copy !req
27. Thank you. Back to your ivory tower, right?Copy !req
28. Right, here we are, yes?Copy !req
29. All of us together in the
here, in the now, yeah?Copy !req
30. It's all about digital, yeah?Copy !req
31. The web allows us to be
everywhere with our eyes, right?Copy !req
32. Hey, rocket.Copy !req
33. Once the future, now the past.Copy !req
34. Noise.Copy !req
35. Communication, yeah?
Through sound waves, right?Copy !req
36. Wave bye-bye. Gone. Digital, right.Copy !req
37. Nature, right? Renewal, recycle.Copy !req
38. It's a life cycle, man.
It's digital, right?Copy !req
39. Time melting. Tempus fugit.Copy !req
40. In-flight, gone forever.
Shoot it down. We missed it.Copy !req
41. Digital.Copy !req
42. Right?Copy !req
43. White man, black face.Copy !req
44. Facing reality, reality evolving.Copy !req
45. Digital, yeah?Copy !req
46. Micro-organisms, right?Copy !req
47. Micro is macro. Small is
big. Up is down. I'm a clown.Copy !req
48. Digital.Copy !req
49. Presidents. "Prec-edents."Copy !req
50. Right? Things that took place
before, things in the past.Copy !req
51. Past, present, future,
now, here, that's the idea.Copy !req
52. It's about places. It's about digital.Copy !req
53. Now, I can't be everywhere at once but...Copy !req
54. I can be... three places at once.Copy !req
55. - "What?"
- Yeah, that's right.Copy !req
56. - "Shangy, tell us."
- I'm about to. Hold your horses.Copy !req
57. I'm talking about technology
that allows me to do that, yeah?Copy !req
58. Right? But I'm not talking about digitech.Copy !req
59. I'm talking about the oldest
technology ever invented.Copy !req
60. I'm talking about...Copy !req
61. brothers!Copy !req
62. My name is James Shangwell.Copy !req
63. I'm the youngest of three brothers,Copy !req
64. grew up in extreme poverty
in Bloomington, Indiana.Copy !req
65. My father worked at a stationery
factory and he'd bring homeCopy !req
66. the discarded or damaged envelopes
from the presser for us to play with.Copy !req
67. It was all we could afford.Copy !req
68. I'd spend literally
hours just pushing them...Copy !req
69. pushing them as far as they could go.Copy !req
70. So, yeah, I've got two older brothers,Copy !req
71. and they're just sitting there,
untapped, potential wasted.Copy !req
72. I mean, one's a bleeding roofer,Copy !req
73. the other's a surgeon.
Big deal, get in the queue.Copy !req
74. So I put 'em to work...Copy !req
75. as me!Copy !req
76. They call me Shangy 2.Copy !req
77. My name is Rick Shangwell.
I'm James's older brother.Copy !req
78. Um, I have a mustache.Copy !req
79. Uh, I'm an oncologist at Sloan Kettering,
where I'm currently helping to developCopy !req
80. a non-invasive technique to
eradicate prostate cancer.Copy !req
81. But my brother turned me on to this gig,Copy !req
82. and I got to say it's way
easier and way more lucrative.Copy !req
83. I get to meet interesting people.Copy !req
84. Digital, right? It's the future, Richard,Copy !req
85. but the future's upon us
now, so becomes the present.Copy !req
86. You know that, I know
that, and here's the thing.Copy !req
87. It's all bits and bytes, Richard.Copy !req
88. It's tip tap, send, delete it, retweet it.Copy !req
89. So, yes, filling in for my younger
brother is a pretty sweet deal.Copy !req
90. And if I can't fill in, then we
send our oldest brother, George.Copy !req
91. funnier than I am, I promise.Copy !req
92. Our keynote speaker...Copy !req
93. Shangy 3!Copy !req
94. Thank you, Vladimir Plutin!Copy !req
95. Okay. Computers!Copy !req
96. What's inside a computer?Copy !req
97. No one really knows. And
no one will ever know.Copy !req
98. The future will be people
gathering together in tribes, yeah?Copy !req
99. Clusters, yeah? Sharing apps.Copy !req
100. My name is George Shangwell. I'm a roofer.Copy !req
101. I was. I fell off the roof a couple times.Copy !req
102. That's why the, uh,
slurvenly speech pattern.Copy !req
103. Does anyone here like email?Copy !req
104. No one likes it. Stop using it.Copy !req
105. Has anyone here got a smartphone?Copy !req
106. Put it away. It's over already.
The future will be digital.Copy !req
107. They love it when I play my brother.Copy !req
108. I don't even memorize his stuff
anymore. I just make it up on my own.Copy !req
109. As long as you say the word "digital"
every couple words, you're golden.Copy !req
110. Okay, enough about that.Copy !req
111. Who wants to smash some watermelons?Copy !req
112. Pull up your plastics.Copy !req
113. Digital!Copy !req
114. This segment of Shark Kitchen
is brought to you by Popcorn.Copy !req
115. "Don't just corn, pop corn!"Copy !req
116. And by Dr. Kobbs' Electric Corn De-Popper.Copy !req
117. "Want that corn back?"Copy !req
118. Tonight, live on Shark Kitchen...Copy !req
119. Three chefs compete in culinary kung fu.Copy !req
120. Each course must feature
shark and three other items.Copy !req
121. Tonight, they are a cup of
water, Chinese pepper radish,Copy !req
122. a second cup of water.Copy !req
123. Let's meet our judges, owner
of popular Portland restaurant,Copy !req
124. A Pot To Bisque In, Chef Scooter Tysen.Copy !req
125. Owner of the LA food truck,
Oink! Oink! Dead! Amora Pentragon.Copy !req
126. And, finally, owner of a popular
sub shop in Massachusetts,Copy !req
127. Salem Sandwich Trials, Chef Duke Pylon.Copy !req
128. Now, let's meet our competitors.Copy !req
129. First up, he's a divorced
father with two darling girls.Copy !req
130. He runs a bagel shop by day and
plays in a UFO tribute band at night.Copy !req
131. From San Diego, Chef Gregg Sharick.Copy !req
132. Chef Gregg, what brings
you to Shark Kitchen?Copy !req
133. Well, I just love foodCopy !req
134. and I wanna show everyone
that single dads rock.Copy !req
135. Up next, Chef Peter Richie,
from Arcata, California,Copy !req
136. is an executive chef and a
father of three young children.Copy !req
137. And I understand, Peter,Copy !req
138. that your children recently
underwent quite a tragedy?Copy !req
139. Yeah, it's true. Uh, we lost
everything in Hurricane Carmela.Copy !req
140. And it's really important
to me to show my kidsCopy !req
141. that you can persevere through any hardshipCopy !req
142. and that, you know, material
possessions don't mean anythingCopy !req
143. when compared to family love.Copy !req
144. - Hurrah for that!
- Thank you.Copy !req
145. Yeah, that is tough stuff.Copy !req
146. Up next, we have Chef Chrissy.Copy !req
147. She owns her own breakfast spot in
San Francisco, Hey, Honey, I'm Ham!Copy !req
148. Chef Chrissy, what brings you here?Copy !req
149. Well, guys, guess what? I'm deaf.Copy !req
150. I'm here to prove to deaf people everywhereCopy !req
151. that we can cook too.Copy !req
152. And also to all the little, uh,
girls out there who are deaf,Copy !req
153. if you believe in yourself,
you can do anything!Copy !req
154. - Oh, beautiful sentiment, beautiful lady.
- Yeah. You go, girl.Copy !req
155. All right, can I just say, I
also tell my girls all the time,Copy !req
156. "If you believe in yourself,
you can do anything."Copy !req
157. So, told one of 'em
that this morning, so...Copy !req
158. Let's applaud for Chef Chrissy.Copy !req
159. - I think we've covered that, thank you.
- Okay.Copy !req
160. All right. The sharks are
circling, let's get cooking.Copy !req
161. Now, each chef gets one piece of shark...Copy !req
162. Uh, one second, one
thing I forgot to mention.Copy !req
163. Uh, one of my daughters
is also a little slow, too.Copy !req
164. She has, uh... she has
learning disabilities.Copy !req
165. Uh, what do the judges think about that?Copy !req
166. That could be a bit of
a difficult situation.Copy !req
167. It is, thank you.Copy !req
168. There's plenty of resources
to help you with that.Copy !req
169. - Okay. Great, thank you.
- All right.Copy !req
170. The sharks are circling, let's get cooking.Copy !req
171. - Now, you may not think 20...
- Uh, quick question on the rules.Copy !req
172. - Yeah, now's the time for that, I guess.
- Okay.Copy !req
173. Uh, I've heard that when
someone has a sense...Copy !req
174. they're missing one of their senses,Copy !req
175. that the other senses are, kind
of... They're goosed, your...Copy !req
176. They kinda come...Copy !req
177. up higher in power.Copy !req
178. And that would mean Chef ChrissyCopy !req
179. has better eyeballs to see
with and nose-smelling than me.Copy !req
180. That's not fair. That makes
me a handicapped person.Copy !req
181. No, that's not true.Copy !req
182. - Not gonna agree there.
- No. Not at all.Copy !req
183. Okay, thanks for clearing that up.Copy !req
184. All right, chefs.Copy !req
185. The sharks are circling, let's get cooking.Copy !req
186. - Now, the chefs are gonna have...
- Oh, shit, my wife is blind!Copy !req
187. Oh, my wife is legally blind!Copy !req
188. - Your wife?
- Yes.Copy !req
189. You just said that you were a single dad.Copy !req
190. My ex-wife. I should
have said. God! Uh... Oh!Copy !req
191. I should say my daughters' mother is blind.Copy !req
192. And she can't drive... at night.Copy !req
193. She shouldn't drive, not
without glasses, so...Copy !req
194. Tonight, I am playing
for new eyes for my wife.Copy !req
195. - My ex-wife. That's even better, so...
- Okay. Can we start?Copy !req
196. Yeah, can we start? Yeah.Copy !req
197. Oh! Also, um...Copy !req
198. a charity that I'd like to start,Copy !req
199. which will help people
who've had... a volcano?Copy !req
200. - You mean hurricanes?
- A hurricane on their house.Copy !req
201. That means that if I win tonight, then
that will also help Chef Peter, so...Copy !req
202. - Okay, thanks, I guess.
- Okay, well, you're welcome.Copy !req
203. That's great. So... all right.Copy !req
204. And also a charity for,
uh, well, blind kidsCopy !req
205. 'cause, uh, I'm gonna get
them fresh new eyes, so...Copy !req
206. Not just any eyes.Copy !req
207. I'm gonna take eyes from, uh...Copy !req
208. bad people... uh, murderers and racists,Copy !req
209. and I'm gonna...Copy !req
210. pop 'em out of their head
and stick it in the kid's eye.Copy !req
211. That's good, right?Copy !req
212. - No.
- No.Copy !req
213. Uh, excuse me.Copy !req
214. - Guys, is he still talking?
- Yeah, he's done. Believe us.Copy !req
215. - Okay, he's done.
- Fuck! Shit!Copy !req
216. Hey, hey, hey, hey! We are
on live television right now.Copy !req
217. Yeah, all right, well, I'm...Copy !req
218. You know, I'm coming down
with Tourette's, so it's...Copy !req
219. It's seasonal, it's seasonal.Copy !req
220. Cock! Tits!Copy !req
221. Okay, that's not funny.Copy !req
222. You know what? I think we should
take his two cups of water away.Copy !req
223. - What? No!
- I'm sorry, if you keep interrupting...Copy !req
224. Okay, UFO.Copy !req
225. I'm in...Copy !req
226. I'm in a UFO tribute
band! Did you hear that?Copy !req
227. I couldn't even get into a
Kiss tribute band? Come on.Copy !req
228. We're not even allowed
to play the songs of UFO.Copy !req
229. They sued us! We have to change the lyrics.Copy !req
230. We can't sing "Doctor Doctor."
We have to sing "Dentist Dentist."Copy !req
231. Now that's pretty sad, right?Copy !req
232. - Yeah, that's worse than being deaf.
- There! It's worse than being deaf!Copy !req
233. Great! Let's go! Sharks are circling!Copy !req
234. All right, chefs.Copy !req
235. The sharks are circling,
let's get to cooking.Copy !req
236. And we're out of time.Copy !req
237. - Fuck!
- Fuck!Copy !req
238. Okay, this is Gilvin Daughtry, uh,
with Citizens Against Unlawful Abuse,Copy !req
239. and I am being made to stop at what
looks like an impromptu checkpoint,Copy !req
240. here on the corner of
Racine and Wellington.Copy !req
241. And, uh, I'm going to show youCopy !req
242. how to maintain your rights in
the face of police harassment.Copy !req
243. Hello, sir. Can you roll
down your window, please?Copy !req
244. Sir, I want to tell you that I'm a
legal citizen of the United StatesCopy !req
245. and a constitutionalist.Copy !req
246. And, um, to inform you that
you're being taped right now.Copy !req
247. Uh-huh. Okay. Well, roll
your window down, please.Copy !req
248. I'm only required by state
law to roll down my windowCopy !req
249. just enough to facilitate
conversation and passage of documents.Copy !req
250. Um, according to the California State law,Copy !req
251. you only need to roll
down your window two inchesCopy !req
252. to facilitate conversation
and passage of documents.Copy !req
253. - Can...
- Am I being accused of a crime, Officer?Copy !req
254. You are not. Can I see
your documents, please?Copy !req
255. - Could I see your documents now?
- Why am I being detained, Officer?Copy !req
256. You have a legal right to
know why you're being detained.Copy !req
257. No, no, just a routine sobriety check.Copy !req
258. I was gonna wave you through, actually,
but then I saw you weaving in the lane,Copy !req
259. and, uh, thought you might be
fiddling with your... your cellphone.Copy !req
260. Okay. Here's my, uh,
license and registration.Copy !req
261. This is all I'm required
by law to show you.Copy !req
262. Sure. Yep.Copy !req
263. That is all you're required by
law to show, your license and...Copy !req
264. Well, everything seems to be in
order, sir. You're free to go.Copy !req
265. Um...Copy !req
266. You move along and have a nice day.Copy !req
267. - Okay.
- Thank you. Thank you so much.Copy !req
268. Okay, well, sometimes they're...
Uh, some of these officers are newCopy !req
269. and don't know the exact concept
of what they're supposed to do.Copy !req
270. Uh... so...Copy !req
271. Okay, you are legally required to
pull over at all police checkpoints,Copy !req
272. but once you do, that's when
your rights come into play.Copy !req
273. Let's watch this now.Copy !req
274. License and registration...Copy !req
275. I... I mean, didn't I...
Didn't I just see you?Copy !req
276. Okay, um, if you've accidentally
left your window down as I just have,Copy !req
277. you are legally allowed to roll it back upCopy !req
278. to just the two inches required
by California State Law.Copy !req
279. Sir, you're free to go through.
You can go right on through.Copy !req
280. Uh, okay, I'm cooperating fully, Officer.Copy !req
281. - License and registration.
- Okay, no, that's fine, thank you.Copy !req
282. I... I've seen those already.Copy !req
283. So you can just move along
and have a nice day, okay?Copy !req
284. Okay, I'm not required to
have a nice day, Officer.Copy !req
285. No, I suppose you're not. Um...Copy !req
286. Do you need help?Copy !req
287. No, thank you, Officer.Copy !req
288. If I'm not being accused of anything,Copy !req
289. then I should be able to
leave on my own recognizance.Copy !req
290. - Sure.
- In the, um, case of Dempsey...Copy !req
291. Well, sir, could... Please move
along. I've got a lot of cars...Copy !req
292. Yeah. Can I ask you a question?
Are you new here or do you need...Copy !req
293. No, I'm not new. I'm just saying...Copy !req
294. Okay, this is Gilvin Daughtry with
another Know Your Rights video.Copy !req
295. You've got rights. You need
to know when to use 'em.Copy !req
296. God damn it!Copy !req
297. Okay. Liquor smell.Copy !req
298. All right.Copy !req
299. And, uh... this would do it.Copy !req
300. Okay... Here we go.Copy !req
301. No, sir, move along.Copy !req
302. - Officer, Officer.
- Yeah.Copy !req
303. Hi!Copy !req
304. I'm not buying it, sir.
I'm not biting, okay?Copy !req
305. Seriously, we gotta move along. Let's go.Copy !req
306. Uh, you might wanna check
my rear taillight, Officer.Copy !req
307. Yeah, get that... Get that fixed, okay?Copy !req
308. - Did you check? Did you see what happened?
- I saw. There's a crack there.Copy !req
309. So, you could just get that fixed.Copy !req
310. Oh, I'd say there's more
than a crack, Officer.Copy !req
311. Here we go!Copy !req
312. Sir, I'm confident that you
can remedy the situation.Copy !req
313. - So, just, uh, move along please, okay?
- Come on. Please.Copy !req
314. All right.Copy !req
315. What the fuck?Copy !req
316. Hello, brother!Copy !req
317. - How could I be of service to you today?
- No. Jerry!Copy !req
318. Is this the guy that's
been dicking you around?Copy !req
319. - Yeah.
- Good afternoon, sir.Copy !req
320. - We got a job to do here.
- Okay. Officer, I'm fully cooperating.Copy !req
321. - License and registration...
- Yeah? Cooperate with this.Copy !req
322. - Oh, God!
- All right, step out of the car, sir.Copy !req
323. If you could just step out...
Now, let's get this undone.Copy !req
324. - Yeah! That feel good? Come on.
- Wait! No! Finally, here we go.Copy !req
325. Oh, God, it stings. Okay!Copy !req
326. Officer, I am taping
this interaction. Okay?Copy !req
327. Okay.Copy !req
328. Oh, Jesus! Shit!Copy !req
329. Oh, it's okay to swear.Copy !req
330. You have a legal right to swear. Oh, God!Copy !req
331. Is this taping going all right?Copy !req
332. - Whoa! Hey! Whoa, whoa!
- Whoa, whoa, whoa!Copy !req
333. It is in your right to vomit...Copy !req
334. - it's completely okay.
- Sir?Copy !req
335. And you do not have to control your bowels.Copy !req
336. That's the Mendeznez clause.Copy !req
337. Could you keep it down a
little? We're trying to...Copy !req
338. We're trying to clear
the traffic out there.Copy !req
339. Oh, for God's sake.Copy !req
340. Watch your boots.Copy !req
341. Yuck!Copy !req
342. This is Gilvin Daughtry...Copy !req
343. for Know Your Rights video
saying, that's a wrap!Copy !req
344. Okay.Copy !req
345. Greetings, Mr. Jacobs.Copy !req
346. Welcome to my island.Copy !req
347. Doctor Sherman, what's
going on? Why are we here?Copy !req
348. I have hunted, in my lifetime,
every big game known to man,Copy !req
349. from the behemoth black rhino
to the ferocious Bengal tiger.Copy !req
350. Every game, save for one.Copy !req
351. The human animal.Copy !req
352. Yeah!Copy !req
353. Yeah, that's a great idea!Copy !req
354. Because, you've never...Copy !req
355. Wait a second. You...Copy !req
356. You mean to murder me? You monster!Copy !req
357. - Come now, Mr. Jacobs, it's hardly...
- Ken, Ken.Copy !req
358. Ken, yes, fine!Copy !req
359. It's hardly murder.Copy !req
360. What fun is there for me if I don't
give you at least a sporting chance?Copy !req
361. And to that end, I have
given myself a handicap.Copy !req
362. I will have but one, single bullet.Copy !req
363. Wow.Copy !req
364. You call this sporting?Copy !req
365. With me travel weary, you rested and sharp,Copy !req
366. I'll be dead within 15
minutes and we both know it.Copy !req
367. Why don't you just shoot me now?Copy !req
368. Well, that's not what
this is about, Mr. Jacobs.Copy !req
369. - Ken.
- Fine. It's...Copy !req
370. Okay, yes, I'm nothing if
not an equitable fair man.Copy !req
371. So I will do something to even us out.Copy !req
372. I, uh... What do I have? A-ha! Yes!Copy !req
373. I shall drink this entire
bottle of Nite Time cough syrup.Copy !req
374. Mmm!Copy !req
375. Finish it all now, every dram.Copy !req
376. Few more drams.Copy !req
377. Mmm!Copy !req
378. Fuller than I remember it.Copy !req
379. Now, the hunt can begin.Copy !req
380. - Easy enough for you.
- What? How is that easy? What...Copy !req
381. You just drank all the
antihistamine on this jungle island.Copy !req
382. And here I am, my sinuses
stuffed with jungle allergies.Copy !req
383. - Ha-ha! Clever plan, sir.
- No, that was never part of any plan.Copy !req
384. A-ha!Copy !req
385. All right, Jacobs, I get it. Your
allergies have dulled your senses.Copy !req
386. All right, fine!Copy !req
387. I, too, shall dull my senses
to make it an even fight.Copy !req
388. Yes! Ha-ha! I will wear
this fishbowl on my head.Copy !req
389. That will dull my senses.Copy !req
390. An empty fishbowl? As clear
as the clearest thing ever?Copy !req
391. No! But, rather, a fishbowl
filled with jungle fish!Copy !req
392. And how will an upside-down
fishbowl hold fish? Think, Doctor!Copy !req
393. Damn it, Jacobs! Ken,
Ken, sorry. I'm sorry, Ken.Copy !req
394. Uh, come on, help me out here, all right?Copy !req
395. - I mean...
- Poisonous scorpions?Copy !req
396. Yes! Brilliant!Copy !req
397. I will fill the fishbowl
with poisonous scorpions!Copy !req
398. One clumsy move and I'll be stung to death.Copy !req
399. - How's that?
- Still, quite easy for you.Copy !req
400. Wait! This was your idea!Copy !req
401. You've got, uh...Copy !req
402. those nice shoes.Copy !req
403. - Now walk around. See how those fit.
- They're good, sir. They're good.Copy !req
404. But I do wish you'd wear
sausages around your neck.Copy !req
405. I'm sorry? Wear sausages?Copy !req
406. Doctor, the scent of fear
emanating from my bodyCopy !req
407. will alert every wild animal in the jungle.Copy !req
408. You must have an equal scent
to balance out mine, yes?Copy !req
409. 'Tis true! This is your lucky day, Ken.Copy !req
410. For, I have with me, a series of
bangers from Gunderson and Sons.Copy !req
411. And let me tell you, the sons
do all the work. All right.Copy !req
412. Now, I am positively draped
in delicious sausages.Copy !req
413. - Guess what? Now, I'm hungry.
- Ken...Copy !req
414. The pork loin was delicious...Copy !req
415. but the creamed asparagus stole the show.Copy !req
416. Where should I put this?Copy !req
417. - I can't hear what you're saying.
- I can't hear what you're saying.Copy !req
418. I can't hear what you're...Copy !req
419. - I can't hear you. Are you talking?
- Okay! I understand.Copy !req
420. Understood, understood. Here
we go. All right. Yes, allow me.Copy !req
421. - Thank you.
- You enjoyed it?Copy !req
422. - That was very good.
- Beautiful!Copy !req
423. All right! Now... you are fully sated.Copy !req
424. You're well-clothed and
I'm fully handicapped.Copy !req
425. You've got the bells on?Copy !req
426. And the itching suppositories are in place.Copy !req
427. I drank the two large
glasses of colon cleanse,Copy !req
428. and I turned my pants into a flag.Copy !req
429. Now... the hunt can begin!Copy !req
430. Easy enough for you.Copy !req
431. Well, how is it easy, Ken?Copy !req
432. I've done everything you
asked. I don't understand...Copy !req
433. You want the gun, don't you?Copy !req
434. No!Copy !req
435. Come on. It's me, Ken.Copy !req
436. I'm no hunter. I wouldn't
know which end to point at you.Copy !req
437. Doctor... you've spent your life
in the wild, learning to hunt.Copy !req
438. And I've spent the last 30 years
behind a desk with my nose in a ledger.Copy !req
439. There's no way this is
gonna be a fair match.Copy !req
440. This is a charade, Doctor.Copy !req
441. A charade, Doctor!Copy !req
442. I'm sorry, Ken. I've let both of us down.Copy !req
443. I don't know what to do to make...Copy !req
444. Wait a second.Copy !req
445. I have the answer.Copy !req
446. That makes no sense at all.Copy !req
447. - Hey, buddy.
- Yes.Copy !req
448. Justin and I are gonna hit
the bar. How long you gonna be?Copy !req
449. Twenty-nine years, four
months, and 13 days.Copy !req
450. Eh, we're not gonna wait. Sorry.Copy !req
451. But then the hunt... shall begin.Copy !req
452. Carry the three, plus 42...Copy !req
453. Can't believe it took, like, over
an hour to mic us for this thing.Copy !req
454. - I know. For a short scene, too.
- Yeah.Copy !req
455. - You got anything funny to say or...
- No, not really.Copy !req
456. - They didn't write anything.
- Oh...Copy !req
457. Yeah, yeah, Ted.Copy !req
458. What's up, jackoff?Copy !req
459. Well, Jeanie left me.Copy !req
460. Oh.Copy !req
461. After 12 years, man. Can you believe it?Copy !req
462. Wow!Copy !req
463. You know what? Good riddance. Right?Copy !req
464. - I mean, she was bad for you.
- Mmm...Copy !req
465. - Dude, she was bad for the world.
- Come on, dude. She wasn't that bad.Copy !req
466. No, I'm sorry! But Jeanie
was, and you know she was,Copy !req
467. and everybody said she was...Copy !req
468. - a cunt.
- No.Copy !req
469. I'm sorry! But she
exhibited cunty behavior,Copy !req
470. and that's why we called her
a cunt, 'cause she was a cunt.Copy !req
471. Even women called her a cunt.Copy !req
472. Did that... What?Copy !req
473. She's right behind me, isn't she?Copy !req
474. Oh...Copy !req
475. - Oh, hey, Jeanie, I...
- Hmm.Copy !req
476. Wow.Copy !req
477. Uh...Copy !req
478. Jimbo! How you been, douchebag?Copy !req
479. Ah, actually, kinda had a tough week.Copy !req
480. Ellen, my boss, she... fired me.Copy !req
481. - Ah, fuck her.
- No, man. I totally deserved it.Copy !req
482. - I was constantly late.
- No, she's a big "C", man.Copy !req
483. Followed by a big "U-N-T".
And what does that spell?Copy !req
484. Dude, I really don't wanna say that word...Copy !req
485. What? Cunt! I'll say it. She's
a cunt, she was and is a cunt.Copy !req
486. Yeah. No, no, no, I'm taking the word back
from the feminazis and the femifascists.Copy !req
487. - Cunt, there it is! She's...
- Ted!Copy !req
488. Right behind me, isn't she?Copy !req
489. Hi, Ellen.Copy !req
490. You're looking a little
morose there, Teddy boy.Copy !req
491. Yeah, well, I tend to get a little
morose around this time of year.Copy !req
492. It's around this time that my mom...Copy !req
493. gave me up for adoption.Copy !req
494. I was seven.Copy !req
495. Wow, that's...Copy !req
496. I bet you miss her.Copy !req
497. No! I hate her.Copy !req
498. I was a perfect kid...Copy !req
499. and she didn't want me.Copy !req
500. Fuck her! She's a cunt!Copy !req
501. - Whoa!
- No! That's what she is, a cunt.Copy !req
502. Feels good to say. I mean it, too.Copy !req
503. She...Copy !req
504. Really?Copy !req
505. Don't fuck with me.Copy !req
506. I've been dreaming of
this moment my entire life.Copy !req
507. Turn around.Copy !req
508. Mommy!Copy !req
509. I'm sorry I called you a cunt.Copy !req
510. Oh, don't be. It brought us together.Copy !req
511. Yeah...Copy !req
512. it did!Copy !req
513. Ted Bletchley? Your country needs you.Copy !req
514. A missing kid. What do you want me to do?Copy !req
515. Call her a cunt.Copy !req
516. That little girl? She
didn't do anything to me.Copy !req
517. Her parents are here.Copy !req
518. They've seen what you can do.Copy !req
519. Please, Ted. Bring her back.Copy !req
520. You're our only hope.Copy !req
521. - Uh, I don't...
- Say it! Call her the C-word.Copy !req
522. - Well, it doesn't really...
- It's a powerful word, Ted.Copy !req
523. Ted, please!Copy !req
524. - Fucking cunt!
- Yes!Copy !req
525. - Thank you, Ted.
- Lay into her.Copy !req
526. More, Ted. Please.Copy !req
527. I can't believe the little cunt ran away.Copy !req
528. - Yeah! Lay it on harder.
- Give it to her! Come on.Copy !req
529. Stop holding back.Copy !req
530. That cunt can take a flying
fuck back to Cuntville.Copy !req
531. - Yes!
- Oh, Mary!Copy !req
532. Mary?Copy !req
533. I did it!Copy !req
534. Good. Come on.Copy !req
535. - Okay, are we done here, Cochise?
- I wish.Copy !req
536. He's the head of a major
terrorist organization.Copy !req
537. Yeah, look, I'm not really a political guy.Copy !req
538. This guy is responsible for the deaths
of hundreds of American soldiers.Copy !req
539. Surely, you can call him a cunt.Copy !req
540. Hey! You don't tell me my job!Copy !req
541. I don't know why I've
been given this power.Copy !req
542. I'm just a regular,
run-of-the-mill douchebag.Copy !req
543. I don't know why... God has
chosen to give me this gift.Copy !req
544. - He's a vegan.
- You fucking vegan cunt, motherfucker!Copy !req
545. Who the fuck are you to tell
me what I can and can't eat?Copy !req
546. You moralistic piece of shit.Copy !req
547. Oh, I ain't done. Uh-uh!Copy !req
548. Where do you get your moral
superiority from anyway?Copy !req
549. Uh-uh. No, you know what I'm gonna
do? I'm gonna get you back in...Copy !req
550. Modern downhill skiing has
seen records fall continuouslyCopy !req
551. as athletes strive to shave off
milliseconds from their runs.Copy !req
552. But in 1942 at the Winter
Olympics in Berne, Switzerland,Copy !req
553. Waif Nickelson shocked the skiing
world when he posted a then recordCopy !req
554. of three minutes and 2.3
seconds in the downhill,Copy !req
555. cutting days off the previous record.Copy !req
556. In fact, he came in so earlyCopy !req
557. that literally no one was
expecting his arrival yet.Copy !req
558. And coming down the finish
line is Waif Nickelson!Copy !req
559. I can't believe he's done it.Copy !req
560. - What the hell is that?
- He's beat the world record.Copy !req
561. That's a skier.Copy !req
562. - You've just witnessed sports history.
- Come on.Copy !req
563. Wow! Waif Nickelson, what a run!Copy !req
564. You shattered the previous world record by,Copy !req
565. what is it, nine days? How'd you do it?Copy !req
566. Well, I was skiing all
the way down the hillCopy !req
567. and here I am.Copy !req
568. And did you have any particular strategy
that led you to this triumphant win?Copy !req
569. Mainly, sir, I, uh, I just didn't stop.Copy !req
570. I just kept skiing all
the way down the hill.Copy !req
571. So, you really wanted that gold medal, huh?Copy !req
572. No, sir, I don't care about medals.Copy !req
573. I just wanted to get the
skiing part over with.Copy !req
574. You know, I don't like skiing. It's...Copy !req
575. It's cold and it's wet. It's
kind of a miserable chore, really.Copy !req
576. Of course it is. Everyone knows that.Copy !req
577. That's why the other racers are
still up there, taking breaks.Copy !req
578. Yes, sir. The, uh, fella from DenmarkCopy !req
579. is making homemade
Gurshwitz for everyone else.Copy !req
580. I just... I'd rather have a hot
toddy inside the ski lodge, you know?Copy !req
581. Get it over with. That's my motto.Copy !req
582. "Get it over with." Brilliant.Copy !req
583. Yeah, we shouldn't even
be out here. It's freezing!Copy !req
584. Yeah, he's right. Let's cut this. Come on.Copy !req
585. Let's get outta here. You guys, too.Copy !req
586. Yes, so, I came in three
days and eight hoursCopy !req
587. - ahead of the Swiss skier...
- Incredible.Copy !req
588. and a full week and three minutesCopy !req
589. ahead of the bronze medalist,
Gerhard from Germany.Copy !req
590. But it was no special effort on my part.Copy !req
591. Well, I hate to disagree,Copy !req
592. but you're just being
modest right now. Right?Copy !req
593. - That's right!
- No, no, really, I'm not.Copy !req
594. Well, Waif, your love for skiing
really comes through. It's palpable.Copy !req
595. Well, I hope that's not the case,
because that's not how I feel.Copy !req
596. I detest skiing intensely.Copy !req
597. Okay. But agree to disagree, right?Copy !req
598. No, no. Don't you understand?Copy !req
599. See, because I hated skiing,
that's why I was in a hurry.Copy !req
600. Well, listen, Waif, uh, when
you were up there and competing,Copy !req
601. it seems that you were really
fueled by your quest for the gold.Copy !req
602. No, no, no. Please understand,Copy !req
603. the medals were just a by-product
of my hatred for skiing.Copy !req
604. - Again, agree to disagree.
- No. No, no. No.Copy !req
605. No.Copy !req
606. - When you ski now...
- Yes.Copy !req
607. you must think back on
your racing days fondly...Copy !req
608. I don't ski now.Copy !req
609. Well, sir, I mean, you
don't ski professionallyCopy !req
610. - but in your day-to-day skiing...
- No, no, no.Copy !req
611. No, no, no. I don't ski ever.Copy !req
612. I don't ice skate, I don't toboggan...Copy !req
613. What do you do when it's cold?Copy !req
614. Well, I did make a snow
angel two years ago.Copy !req
615. That sounds good.Copy !req
616. I hated it. It was a nightmare.Copy !req
617. All right, well, uh...Copy !req
618. Waif, you are really a true hero.Copy !req
619. - You're a champion.
- Yes.Copy !req
620. And, uh, your love for
skiing is really palpable.Copy !req
621. - Of course, agree to agree on that score.
- You agree? Yes.Copy !req
622. Yes!Copy !req
623. - Okay.
- Fuck it.Copy !req
624. It was pure genius.Copy !req
625. Everyone was applying the Nickelson
theorem, "Get it over with."Copy !req
626. I mean, that became his trademark
line. He got several endorsement deals.Copy !req
627. Also...Copy !req
628. I'm transitioning.Copy !req
629. I suppose it's neither
here nor there. Uh...Copy !req
630. Throughout the '40s,Copy !req
631. Waif's "get it over with"
motto infiltrated every sport.Copy !req
632. Um, the three-point rule
was added to basketball.Copy !req
633. Nobody wanted to have to dribble and
then run all the way down the court.Copy !req
634. Uh, what else, uh?Copy !req
635. Oh, boxing. Yes, they changed the ruleCopy !req
636. so that when one fighter was knocked
out, that was the end of the fight.Copy !req
637. The "get it over with" theory
infiltrated all of society.Copy !req
638. Uh, novellas were invented.Copy !req
639. Uh, speed-walking came to be.Copy !req
640. What else? Um...Copy !req
641. Comedy sketch writing.Copy !req
642. Okay, that's it. I'm done.Copy !req
643. Will somebody get my car?Copy !req
644. Hey, honey. It's me,
your husband, Shangy 2!Copy !req
645. You married Shangy 2. Now try the best.Copy !req
646. This one's for you, bro.Copy !req
647. - Ready for business?
- Yeah.Copy !req
648. What the fuck? Have you been
fucking our brother's wife?Copy !req
649. I was filling in, weren't I?Copy !req
650. Bullshit, I'm the fill-in!Copy !req
651. I'm not getting in the middle of
this. You brothers work it out.Copy !req
652. What do you have to say for yourself?Copy !req
653. - Digital!
- What? You...Copy !req
654. Right, Richard. Smartphones.
Not so smartphones.Copy !req
655. Digital! Digital.Copy !req
656. Digital!Copy !req
657. Digital!Copy !req