Mr. & Mrs. Smith 1x7

Directed by Amy Seimetz

Dave Attell as Kosher Food Mart Clerk • Beverly Glover as John's Mom • Michaela Coel as Bev • Amanda Kristin Nichols as Woman in Subway • Leroy Powell as Restaurant Owner

Hihi told John and Jane to take some space! John has been spending lots of time with his new friend, Bev. But what about Jane? Will John forget about all the fun they had together? Poor Jane! Bad, bad, John! How will John and Jane bounce back from INFIDELITY!

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. So, you two work together?

2. John's under the impression

3. that our boss favors me.

4. Well, he does.

5. He wanted you to replace me.

6. So you're mad that I saved the day?

7. I'm mad that you take all the credit every time.

8. Stop saying that! I take— I didn't take the credit.

9. You know, I'm gonna take a shower.

10. Where else are you feeling

11. misaligned?

12. - Kid stuff. - John, you want

13. to bring kids into this life after a day like we had today?

14. You said it yourself. You wouldn't be a good mom.

15. So don't come here and talk that shit to me.

16. What about working on...

17. separate projects?

18. - That could be good. - Mm-hmm.

19. Going out.

20. Shoes on, off?

21. Uh, it's what-whatever you prefer.

22. Uh, can I get you something to drink?

23. Tea? Coffee? Juice?

24. - Yeah. Sure. Good. - Okay.

25. Uh, wh-wh-which one?

26. What?

27. - Tea, coffee— - Oh, tea is good.

28. Sure.

29. Place is beautiful.

30. Um, thanks. Thank you.

31. I wasn't sure if you wanted, um, honey or...

32. Sit down.

33. Sit.

34. Down.

35. No, on the couch.

36. Couch.

37. Hold the cups.

38. Okay.

39. I'm gonna ask you some questions.

40. And I want you to answer them honestly.

41. - All right. - Okay.

42. How long have you been seeing my husband?

43. We're not seeing each other.

44. We met, uh...

45. a month ago. I...

46. met him at a bar and I invited him here.

47. What made you want to take him home?

48. Well, I-I didn't.

49. Uh, not at first.

50. He was, he was wearing, uh, too much cologne.

51. But he was warm and not too forward.

52. And he was funny

53. in-in a way that was self-aware, not goofy.

54. What did you guys do?

55. We, uh, we-we watched a movie.

56. No, don't swallow it, you-you have to...

57. ex-expel the mucus, bring it out.

58. What?

59. Look, there-there are tissues— Oops!

60. - I'm sorry, I'm just— - It's fine.

61. - I'm just a bit freaked out by... - Leave it.

62. all this.

63. Keep your hands on your lap.

64. Okay.

65. Movies. So that's...

66. that's what you guys do together, you watch movies?

67. - Yeah. Sometimes. - Mm-hmm.

68. Uh, or we-we drink and... smoke, talk.

69. We-we just hang out.

70. Did you guys, uh...

71. Did you guys have sex?

72. No. No.

73. Okay. Um...

74. What do you know about John?

75. That's a... That's kind of a-a vague question.

76. Do you know what John does for work?

77. Yes.

78. Do you know what John really does for work?

79. Yes. I do.

80. What is that?

81. He's, uh, he's a spy.

82. And you knew about me?

83. Yes.

84. Great.

85. What has he told you about me?

86. Uh, that you...

87. work closely together, um...

88. That you're smart.

89. Really smart.

90. And pretty.

91. That you weren't really his type at first...

92. Personality-wise.

93. Really?

94. How so?

95. You can be kind, but you're not friendly.

96. Sometimes you're nicer to your cat

97. than you are to people.

98. Mm-hmm.

99. - What else? - Come on, what do I have to do to—

100. What the fuck else?

101. Uh, he says that...

102. it's too much.

103. Working and living together.

104. And that your-your lives

105. became very enmeshed very quickly.

106. Like, he regrets introducing you to yoga

107. because he misses doing it alone.

108. He says that you're controlling.

109. Controlling how?

110. You make him feel like a little boy.

111. Even in bed.

112. He says that...

113. you don't let him discover what you like

114. on his own.

115. Isn't that a good thing, though?

116. Uh, are-are you asking my opinion?

117. No, I'm asking— Fuck.

118. John. What does John think?

119. Does he think that's a good thing?

120. I think that John...

121. would love the chance to figure things out, that's all.

122. So he's unhappy.

123. He does say...

124. that he wonders whether or not you guys are compatible.

125. But he also says

126. he wants to be with you, incompatibly.

127. He says that a lot.

128. - He does? - He does.

129. I just...

130. It's so fucking annoying.

131. Because he thinks...

132. I mean, he'll always say, like, I'm smarter than him,

133. and that he plays fucking dumb all the time

134. when he knows better, you know?

135. - He should know better. - Yeah.

136. But just— he uses it as an excuse.

137. Yeah, I, uh...

138. I-I... I get that.

139. It's, um...

140. That's cool of you to just be so hon—

141. Just to be clear, we're not bonding.

142. You have a gun on me.

143. - I know. - Okay.

144. Um...

145. That's John.

146. - What? - That's John.

147. What would you like me to do?

148. P-Pick that shit up.

149. If you tell him I'm here, I'll fucking kill you.

150. Okay?

151. - Hey. - Hey.

152. - What's up? - How you doing?

153. - I'm good. - Oh.

154. What's going on?

155. Smells good in here.

156. Really?

157. Yeah.

158. You, uh...

159. you were right about cashews.

160. They grow on trees.

161. Yeah.

162. Where did you think they came from?

163. I don't know. I thought they, um...

164. thought they grew in the ground like peanuts.

165. Oh, you stocked up.

166. Awesome.

167. Come here.

168. Come here.

169. Why?

170. Come here.

171. - No. - Come on.

172. You come here.

173. I am coming here.

174. You got to meet me in the middle.

175. Come on.

176. - Come here. - Thank you. Okay.

177. - That's sweet. - Yeah.

178. Who made that?

179. Uh, the top? Uh...

180. - Did you make that? - No, no. No.

181. - It looks really good. - Thank you.

182. I really like it.

183. Yeah.

184. - Nice. - That's great.

185. Thank you.

186. Should we watch that, um...?

187. - Oh, yeah, sure. - Yeah, 'cause I fell asleep.

188. And I didn't get to finish it, and I haven't watched since...

189. That'll be great.

190. Yeah, there we go.

191. Is this is where we were?

192. - Um... - I don't remember. I fell asleep.

193. Yeah, we were, we were there.

194. All right.

195. The '70s, man.

196. Mm.

197. They just did it better.

198. You want to hear a joke?

199. How'd you finish that so fast?

200. I was really hungry.

201. I don't know why I did that.

202. S-Sign of a psychopath.

203. - What do you mean? - I don't know.

204. - Just you-you don't bite and chew ice cream. You— - Eating...

205. What do, what do you do?

206. Um, suck it.

207. I don't like slurping.

208. Ah, fair enough.

209. - I'm gonna tell you a joke. - Okay.

210. Okay. You ready?

211. Mm-hmm.

212. Where were pencils invented?

213. Pencil-vania.

214. Ah-ha-ha.

215. Definitely worth it.

216. Where's my wife?

217. Sorry.

218. Jane!

219. What?

220. Shit.

221. Jane! Jane! Fuck.

222. That was fun.

223. Jane!

224. Help!

225. - Fuck. Right there! - Okay, okay, okay, okay.

226. Stop moving.

227. Fucking hold still.

228. Don't move, don't move, don't move.

229. Okay.

230. Fuck.

231. Fuck.

232. Fuck!

233. Goddamn it.

234. Let's go.

235. - She's headed for Grand Army. - How do you know that?

236. Because I'm tracking her.

237. Where'd you put it, the tracker?

238. It's on her back.

239. How'd you get it there without her noticing?

240. I pretended to give her a massage.

241. Nice.

242. I don't see her. Do you?

243. The signal says she's here. Right here.

244. Yo!

245. - Shit. Sorry. - Hey!

246. Move!

247. Yo, yo, yo, yo, yo!

248. Yo, slow down!

249. Move! Out, out, out, out, out! Move!

250. Move!

251. Come on, man!

252. - Sorry. - I'm sorry.

253. - Shit. Shit. - Oh, fuck, fuck, fuck.

254. Fuck! Shit.

255. It's okay. It's okay.

256. We know where she's going.

257. - Jesus Christ. - Just...

258. You take the next train.

259. I'll go up on the street. I'll take...

260. Fuck.

261. What?

262. - What? - My phone died.

263. - Are you fucking serious? - Time-out.

264. - Time-out, okay? Time-out. - Are you fuck—

265. You didn't charge your phone

266. - before you left the fucking house? - You had my charger last.

267. No, I didn't! I put it in the bed.

268. No, you didn't.

269. Oh, my God.

270. If we get our third fail, it's on you.

271. We're not gonna fail.

272. - Oh, we're not? - No, we—

273. You had a month. You had a month to kill her.

274. - What? - Yeah.

275. How did you know that?

276. Hey. How did you know that?

277. I figured out your passwords.

278. That is so like you.

279. - Whatever. - That's such a violation of privacy.

280. How could you do that? That is so you.

281. The op, it was a three-day mission at best.

282. - You took a month? - I had a plan!

283. Oh, really? What was your plan?

284. - To fuck her to death? - That's...

285. really, really mature.

286. You're very mature.

287. Come on. Hurry. Let's go.

288. You mind if, uh, we use your plug to charge my phone?

289. I can't let strangers plug in their phone.

290. - Why not? - It could give the store a virus.

291. That's not how it works.

292. You wouldn't get a virus from the...

293. What is a virus gonna do to the store?

294. - Gah, it happens. - "It happens"?

295. - Yes. - Have you had it happen before?

296. Not here yet, but it's coming.

297. And I just can't risk this. I'm sorry.

298. Can I get these?

299. Oh, also, can I get, um, a couple sushi?

300. - Sushi. - Uh, two of 'em.

301. - Two sushi. - Mm.

302. And then maybe I can get some challah?

303. - Challah bread. - The fresh kind.

304. It's all fresh, miss. Always fresh for you.

305. Here we go.

306. Sushi and challah.

307. Ugh, what a picnic.

308. You need to eat right now?

309. Yeah.

310. Can I also get some Band-Aids?

311. Band-Aids.

312. Mmm.

313. No credit. Cash, Venmo only.

314. Oh, I don't have any cash.

315. He-He's got cash.

316. You have cash?

317. It's all I have.

318. It's all he has.

319. Oh, I guess I have to charge the phone to pay you.

320. - One minute. - Thanks.

321. Such a mess.

322. Mm-hmm.

323. I could've done this one alone.

324. I wish you had let me close the deal by myself.

325. Drink this. You're sick.

326. No, I'm fine.

327. You-you don't have allergies.

328. Just be a person and drink fluids.

329. Fine. It's allergies.

330. More than that.

331. I don't want to drink more than that or I'll get nauseous.

332. What do you think makes this place like a...

333. Kosher gas station?

334. You think all the beef jerky's been blessed?

335. What is your problem? We didn't have sex.

336. So you just gave her a massage, but you didn't have sex?

337. Yeah, I did give her a massage, and I didn't sleep with her.

338. - That's exactly what happened. - Yeah, but you kissed her.

339. - Yeah, so what? - Oh, my God.

340. So, you fucking kissed her.

341. - You just kissed? That's it? - Yeah, we kissed.

342. - And you didn't have sex? - We tried to have sex.

343. Twice. And I couldn't get it up.

344. - Why? - I don't know.

345. I... I felt guilty. Probably.

346. About what? Why?

347. About y-you. I was thinking about... about you.

348. I don't... I don't understand why this is such a big deal.

349. We're... we're allowed to have sex on missions anyway, right?

350. Yeah, I know. Yeah.

351. I'm sure you've done it.

352. Yeah, of course.

353. How many times?

354. Twice.

355. Twi— Really?

356. Yeah.

357. Was it good?

358. Are you seriously asking me

359. - if it was good? - Did you have fun?

360. It's not about being good or bad. It was work.

361. - It kind of is. - No, it isn't.

362. It's about work.

363. I— It's work. I leave it. I don't take it with me.

364. How is what I did any different?

365. It's completely different.

366. It's— Ooh! Okay.

367. I hate the cologne that you wear, and you know—

368. What the fuck does that have to do with—

369. No, stop. Stop and listen.

370. I asked you to stop wearing cologne five months ago,

371. you didn't stop wearing it, and then a month ago,

372. when she asked you to stop wearing it,

373. then you stop wearing it.

374. Do you not see how that's at all different?

375. You know I've been doing this mission this long

376. mostly because of you, right?

377. - Because of me? - Yeah, because you—

378. - You're such an asshole. - No, no, you always ask,

379. "Oh, who are we?" "What are we doing?"

380. "What-What's Mr. and Mrs. Smith?"

381. - Oh, yeah. - And she actually knows.

382. - She works for a rival company. - Oh, really?

383. And she knew what Mr. and Mrs. Smith was.

384. - Oh, really? - And I was trying

385. to get to it, but you wouldn't let me do it.

386. What did you learn? What did you learn?

387. - Did you learn a bunch? - I didn't learn anything because

388. - you came through that fucking door. - Oh, my God.

389. - Is the phone on? - Uh, you're all set.

390. You two okay?

391. She's in Flatbush.

392. Give me the code because if your phone dies, then we're fucked.

393. 24-68-32-6354.

394. And the, uh, Venmo account.

395. You know, to settle up.

396. I don't have Venmo. I don't have Venmo.

397. Ah.

398. Very nice. Have a great day.

399. Can we stop running for a second?

400. I bleed every time we jog.

401. Well, she's 14 blocks away, so suck it up.

402. Hey. Can I help you?

403. Um, yeah, did a woman come in here?

404. I'm looking for my friend.

405. She had long braids.

406. - No one, no one came in here. - Uh...

407. - I-I'm talking. - Is there a way—

408. No, they don't need a story.

409. Is there a way to get upstairs?

410. No, not from inside here.

411. - From in here? - No, not from here.

412. - Not from inside. - Okay.

413. - Um, okay. - Can I help you with something else?

414. Uh, no.

415. That's five cents a napkin.

416. Five cents a napkin?

417. Yes, five cent for napkins.

418. - 20 napkins for a dollar? - Here.

419. Thank you.

420. Come on.

421. Tracker says she's in there.

422. The white door is the only way in or out.

423. She's probably at that unit with the broken blinds.

424. Well, we're gonna have to wait till she comes out

425. or until someone goes in.

426. I want to know what happened after.

427. After what?

428. After you guys tried to have sex.

429. It's not like I was going over there, banging her brains out.

430. Okay? That'd be way worse.

431. - It's just as bad. - No, it isn't.

432. You're gonna have to accept one day

433. that not everyone is like you.

434. I got involved because that's how I do it.

435. Thank you. So you're admitting it.

436. You did have feelings for her.

437. - Thanks. - I cared about her.

438. I liked being around her, yeah.

439. You told her everything about me.

440. About us. Our jobs.

441. And she was probably gonna fucking kill you.

442. But she didn't.

443. She had a lot of opportunities to.

444. You think because she liked you?

445. - She was playing you. - I don't care. It felt good.

446. Yeah, of course it did. She's doing her job.

447. Yeah, well, it's better than doing my job with you

448. when you make me feel like shit all the time.

449. Oh, you're so fucking selfish.

450. Just call this what it is.

451. You were having a full-blown emotional affair.

452. And now we're gonna have to get another fail

453. because you had to feel fucking good.

454. Yeah, I'm sorry.

455. - I'm sorry I didn't— - Fuck!

456. - What? - She's moving.

457. - God fucking damn it. - Moving where?

458. Taxi!

459. Tracker says this is it.

460. Wait, this is where we had our first mission,

461. with the sandwich lady.

462. Supposed to be here.

463. Wait, this is weird.

464. Why would she be here of all places?

465. It doesn't make sense.

466. I told her about this place.

467. Told her it was our first mission.

468. So you told her everything?

469. Great, John.

470. Your girlfriend is fucking with us now.

471. What is it?

472. Tracker.

473. Fuck!

474. I don't feel well.

475. I'll make you some soup when I get home.

476. The neighbor already made me some.

477. What?

478. Fiona's gonna be a big sister

479. 'cause Bibi had a surprise pregnancy.

480. What are you talking about?

481. The hippo.

482. That came up as news?

483. That's the alert I got.

484. Why is that your algorithm?

485. I like hippos.

486. Obviously.

487. Yeah, I got bouillon cubes.

488. Sounds like you don't...

489. - you don't approve of those? - Son.

490. You're supposed to use chicken feet.

491. It's the most important part.

492. That's the most nutritious part of the chicken?

493. I thought it was the fat.

494. Why would the-the feet be—

495. And it's the bone.

496. - The bone. - Stock. Yeah.

497. - You know? - Does the bouillon not have chicken feet in it?

498. I thought bouillon was just crushed chicken's feet.

499. Just, like, little crushed chicken's feet

500. put into little cubes.

501. You know, I don't think you've ever made me soup.

502. If you want me to make you soup, I'll make you soup.

503. I don't think you want my soup.

504. With the bouillon, you're right, I don't think I want it.

505. A'ight. That necklace I got you looks good.

506. You look like a fourth-grade teacher.

507. Like, art teacher.

508. Thank you.

509. So, tell me, how is Jane?

510. She's good. She's just, um...

511. She's just a little sick, so...

512. I'm just making this soup for her

513. 'cause she's not drinking enough water, so...

514. Mm.

515. Do you have cayenne pepper?

516. Uh...

517. Because that's really good for a cold.

518. Yeah.

519. Here you go.

520. Thank you.

521. And now you're watching this?

522. You want to watch this?

523. I don't even know what to write.

524. Just say we failed.

525. We didn't fail. I failed.

526. It's my mission. I...

527. You don't even need to be a part of it.

528. Don't act like a saint.

529. Hihi already knows.

530. You didn't complete the mission. They told me.

531. Hihi told you that?

532. Yeah, I didn't break into your computer.

533. Why would they do that?

534. They obviously wanted me to intervene.

535. No.

536. Hihi told me you were at Bev's.

537. What are you talking about?

538. That's how I knew you were there.

539. Why would they do that?

540. Fuck it.

541. Wait.

542. Well, that's that.

543. Ooh.

544. That's good.

545. I'm done, Jane.

546. Yeah.

547. I'll leave in the morning.

548. Thank you.