Mr. & Mrs. Smith 1x2

Directed by Hiro Murai

Paul Dano as Hot Neighbor • John Turturro as Eric Shane • Alexander Blaise as Auction Party Host • Jaden Tolliver as Valet • Nina Toussaint-White as Auction Receptionist

John and Jane are all dressed up with somewhere to go: a sinister black tie event! But first, the Smiths need ground rules at home: NO S-E-X! But when their wily target Eric Shane turns things topsy turvy, will they be able to set things right? It's John and Jane's: SECOND DATE! Bark bark!

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. Hi.

2. Driver's license, banking card,

3. and marriage registration.

4. Did you, um, apply for high-risk?

5. Yeah, I did.

6. - Mm... - So, what are you, like,

7. ex-FBI?

8. Something like that.

9. You talk to my daughter again...

10. You get thrown out?

11. Something like that.

12. If it makes you feel any better,

13. nobody would take me either.

14. It does.

15. What do you think happens if we fail?

16. Our marriage?

17. Our mission.

18. This marriage is starting off

19. on-on a great foot.

20. Just great.

21. Mm.

22. Max?

23. Max?

24. What are you doing?

25. Just going through your stuff. What were you doing?

26. I was meditating.

27. Oh. That's cool.

28. Uh, do you do that every day?

29. I used to, before I thought

30. somebody might go through my stuff.

31. Mm.

32. It's supposed to be good for hand-eye coordination.

33. Yeah, it's-it's Japanese, right?

34. Yeah. My dad gave it to me.

35. He was stationed out there for a while.

36. Impressive.

37. I'm gonna go out and, uh, I'm gonna get some breakfast.

38. Okay.

39. I'm gonna go through your stuff.

40. Do you want anything special?

41. No, just whatever you want.

42. 102!

43. 102. That's me. Hi. 102.

44. Uh, can I get two classic scallion cream cheese,

45. uh, plain bagels? And hold the capers.

46. - Anything else? - No.

47. Thank you.

48. Don't put me in the oven and cook me.

49. I don't want to go in there.

50. Come here and let me season you.

51. Rub this olive oil all over you.

52. No, don't cook me.

53. Do you have a cat?

54. Hi there.

55. Hi. Do you have a cat?

56. No. Why?

57. It's been destroying my plants and shitting in my backyard.

58. I don't have a cat.

59. Are you sure?

60. Because then my dog goes out and he eats the cat poo,

61. which I'm sure you can understand is pretty gross.

62. That is really gross, yeah.

63. No, uh, maybe you should train your dog

64. to not eat shit.

65. I'm not sure you can train a dog not to do that.

66. Really? I don't know.

67. I think you can train a dog to do a lot of things.

68. Well, I, I should get John his breakfast.

69. I'm sorry about your garden, though. That sucks.

70. You two have a garden, right? With a composter?

71. On the roof?

72. Yeah, we do. It's pretty great.

73. Yeah, it's nice to have that in the city.

74. It's a beautiful property.

75. You know, we feel really lucky.

76. It's our dream house.

77. It's kind of been something we wanted for a while.

78. I'm sorry, I'm not trying to be nosy.

79. I'm a designer. Interiors.

80. - I live next door. - Oh.

81. I was amazed at how quickly

82. your guys got all that work done.

83. Are they freelance, or...?

84. Yeah. Freelance.

85. What do you do for a living?

86. I'm a software engineer. From San Francisco.

87. And your husband?

88. - Is this an interview? - No.

89. We do the same thing. We work together.

90. Well, you two must really have an understanding.

91. Outside of my dumb dog,

92. I can't imagine spending that much time with anyone.

93. That's great.

94. - Yeah. - So he's John.

95. And you are?

96. - Jane. - John and Jane.

97. Yeah. And your dog?

98. Poet. He's Poet. From The Prophet.

99. That's, that's great.

100. Poet can't be too dumb, then, right?

101. Enjoy your breakfast.

102. Thanks.

103. What's up with that guy?

104. Uh, hi.

105. I don't know.

106. Think he's kind of hot, though.

107. Cool.

108. He's definitely watching us.

109. And he has, um, he has a dog

110. named after The Prophet,

111. which is one of my favorite books.

112. It's one of everyone's favorite books.

113. Is it?

114. - Yeah. It's one of mine. - Are you jealous?

115. - Me? - Yeah.

116. You sound jealous.

117. No, I'm not jealous. It's just...

118. it's-it's weird to have my wife say

119. the neighbor is hot.

120. But I'm not your wife, actually.

121. Yeah. True. I-I know that.

122. - We're not together, really. - I know.

123. - I get it. - Okay.

124. I know that, but, you know, do you think

125. the Company wants us to...?

126. To have sex?

127. No.

128. Well, yeah, part of it. To get together.

129. Uh...

130. I don't think we should. Do you?

131. No, I don't think we should,

132. necessarily.

133. I mean, I think it's better if we just keep it separate.

134. - Absolutely, yeah. - It's just simpler that way.

135. I'm not saying we should.

136. I know, I know, I'm just... It's great. We're agreeing.

137. - I agree with you. Here, I got you breakfast. - Oh.

138. It's a everything bagel with lox and salmon on it.

139. - I usually don't eat breakfast. - What?

140. Wait until noon.

141. Oof, your loss.

142. Hmm.

143. Should I try it?

144. - Mm-hmm. Yeah. - Okay.

145. Oh, my God.

146. - Right? - It's very good.

147. - I knew you'd love it. - Damn.

148. So, um...

149. did you actually want to get married?

150. In real life?

151. - Uh, yeah. - Mm.

152. Yeah. I mean, there is something nice about

153. being committed to, like, another person.

154. I think that's kind of cool.

155. I think being able to come home

156. at the end of a shitty day and, you know,

157. just kiss someone and make it all go away...

158. in theory it feels like that's, like, perfect, right?

159. - Mm. - It's great.

160. So, why-why-why'd you go down this path, then?

161. Money.

162. Good. Oh, thank God. Me, too.

163. Yeah.

164. Should we make a pact?

165. I love pacts.

166. Okay, good. Me, too.

167. I think, let's make a certain amount of money

168. that we both feel good about,

169. and then we can part our ways,

170. live our own lives.

171. Okay. Sure.

172. - No sex? - Never.

173. - No sex. - Great.

174. Kinda want to have sex now, I got to be honest, uh...

175. It's just 'cause of the pact.

176. - But no. But no. - No, no, no.

177. - Right? That's what we agreed. - No. Yeah.

178. Ha-ha.

179. We got a package.

180. From?

181. Mr. Hihi.

182. Okay.

183. "Hihi.

184. Welcome back.

185. For your next mission,

186. attend silent auction. Black-tie event."

187. "Dress to impress."

188. You look nice.

189. Oh, thank you. So do you.

190. - You ready to go? - Yeah.

191. "Step one,

192. identify high bidder of Warhol's Silver Car Crash."

193. - Thank you. - "Step two.

194. Administer single dose of truth serum."

195. "Do not exceed single dose.

196. Record any and all information they give you.

197. Please follow a few rules.

198. No casualties. Absolutely no witnesses."

199. Those last parts were written in all caps.

200. Seems like he's serious about that.

201. - Good evening. - Evening. Thank you.

202. What's wrong?

203. I'm gonna go scuff up my shoes.

204. What? Why?

205. 'Cause I'm gonna go in as catering.

206. Uh...

207. I think... I think we should stick together.

208. If I go in there, I'll be one of six Black guys

209. who probably all know each other.

210. I won't be able to move around.

211. This is better, trust me.

212. Okay.

213. Hold, hold, um...

214. Could you check this for me?

215. Why?

216. It's Gucci.

217. - Okay. - Thanks.

218. - Hi. I'm Jane Smith. - Hi.

219. Smith.

220. Okay.

221. Thirsty, madam?

222. You're so annoying.

223. We got in.

224. All you got to do is bid,

225. and I'll keep an eye out for our friend.

226. Okay, just stay close.

227. You got me on the comms.

228. Okay, so how are we supposed to find the highest bidder

229. at a silent auction?

230. How about some old-fashioned spying?

231. Mole lady, seven million on the Warhol.

232. Sweaty tits, ten million.

233. Oh, Jesus, please never give me a nickname.

234. American Psycho, 50 million on the Warhol.

235. I'm gonna check on Angela Lansbury over here.

236. Excuse me, what do you have there?

237. Um, these are... it's-it's olive oil pudding.

238. Okay. Thank you.

239. You know, you're a natural at this.

240. If the spy stuff doesn't work out,

241. you should consider catering.

242. I think we have a winner.

243. Wait, what? Who?

244. Long shift. Sorry.

245. You have all those treats on your plate.

246. You should eat one.

247. I guess you should have finished that bagel.

248. We got to get him alone.

249. Go over to him, say something funny.

250. Say something funny?

251. Yeah, be alluring. Like, seduce him or something.

252. What?

253. He's headed towards you. Just go, Jane.

254. Just go.

255. I'll look him up.

256. Oh, shit, I-I knew I recognized this guy.

257. That's Eric Shane. He's a real estate mogul.

258. He owns half of the Upper West Side.

259. Mint?

260. Mint? Would you like a mint?

261. Mm.

262. Net worth $15 billion.

263. No spouse, no kids, no current address.

264. Last listed residence: 411 West 86th Street.

265. Di... did you, um, did you own that place

266. on West 86th Street with the gorgeous iron detailing

267. on the balcony?

268. I miss that place.

269. - Great views. Mm. - Yeah.

270. I knew you looked familiar. I was your neighbor.

271. - Hmm. Really? - Mm-hmm.

272. Yes, you do seem... familiar.

273. Familiar.

274. So, has anything caught your eye?

275. It's a silent auction, so...

276. We got to find a way to get him alone.

277. Now, that is better.

278. - Uh-huh. - Mm-hmm.

279. - Thank you? - What the fuck?

280. Oh, God, it's all so boring.

281. Just a big, boring way to spend a lot of money, hmm?

282. If that were true,

283. you wouldn't have bid on the Warhol.

284. It's the only one worth bidding on.

285. It's the moment of death repeated.

286. - Mm-hmm. - Frozen.

287. - Eternalized into image. - Mm-hmm.

288. - It's priceless. - Jane, what are you doing? You can't stick him here.

289. There's too many people. "No witnesses."

290. - All caps. - Everything ha-has its price.

291. I think it's a matter of negotiation.

292. Hmm.

293. Would you be willing to sell it for...

294. No. Now, if you'll excuse me...

295. I think you should let me try.

296. I think you may not be his type.

297. Okay, I have a silly idea.

298. Mm-hmm, and what is that?

299. How about you and I go somewhere private,

300. and we pay one of the cater waiters

301. to do whatever we want?

302. And who would that be?

303. What do you want me to do?

304. Get on your knees.

305. Yes, very good.

306. You, too.

307. Next to him.

308. Now.

309. Closer.

310. Okay.

311. Closer.

312. Put your faces... closer.

313. Get on all fours.

314. Open your mouths and stick out your tongues.

315. You're both dogs.

316. Two dogs meeting at the park for the first time

317. with no one around.

318. Be serious!

319. Let's resume.

320. Okay.

321. Yes.

322. Intimately engage with each other.

323. Mm-hmm. Mm.

324. Yes. Mm-hmm.

325. Learn, learn, learn each other.

326. Mm-hmm.

327. You're both just dogs.

328. Now kiss.

329. Still as dogs.

330. Again.

331. Again. Again.

332. What?

333. What was... What was that? What...

334. What did you do?

335. Why the fuck did you do that?

336. What?

337. - You told me to do it. - No.

338. I told you I was gonna do it.

339. No!

340. Why are you... looking at me like...

341. like I'm a big, big giant?

342. Are-are... Are you okay?

343. I'm a little horny, I think.

344. Also very, very frightened. I...

345. I think I'm hard.

346. No. No, I'm not hard.

347. Good. I'm relieved.

348. I may have peed just the tiniest bit.

349. This is fucking awful.

350. Do we just listen until he gives us something valuable?

351. I-I don't know.

352. Hihi said record everything.

353. A bad seed.

354. - Okay. All right. - Okay.

355. We're gonna help you up. You need to sit up.

356. - Must be something... - All right.

357. - That's okay. - Get the... Get out of here!

358. Bidder 342.

359. Warhol's Silver Car Crash Double Disaster.

360. - Hi. Hi. - Ah.

361. - Ah, hi. - Hi.

362. Hello.

363. I-I'm Eric Shane.

364. Oh, well, you don't need to announce yourself,

365. but we really appreciate your generous bid.

366. I-I spent a lot of money tonight.

367. Because I can.

368. Yes.

369. Yes.

370. Mr. Shane, we have your painting for you.

371. - Shh. - I think you could use some water.

372. Why don't you go take a seat over here?

373. The amount of illegitimate money I have,

374. billions and billions of illegal dollars,

375. I-I don't feel bad about it at all.

376. I-I really don't.

377. I mean, is that totally weird? No remorse?

378. Richard knows about the islands.

379. He's here somewhere.

380. And-and-and Philip. Philip Bronstein.

381. Yes. Wait. Philip, hey, hey. Wait.

382. No. No, Philip uses the other island.

383. Not for embezzlement.

384. For sex.

385. - Oh, no, that... Mr. - Mr. Shane? - Sex trade. Yes.

386. Record this. Record this.

387. Mr. Sh...

388. Oh, Beau! Beau finds me funny.

389. You can always count on Beau for a laugh.

390. You can always count on him to leave photos of his dick

391. taped under the newest intern's desk.

392. Real film photos.

393. Like, developed at Walgreens.

394. - The warped lengths he goes. - Oh.

395. To do that, Melissa, it's remarkable,

396. because I've always found you so much more compelling

397. than the interns he chooses to schtup.

398. His mistreatment of you has only made you intrigue me more.

399. Your sadness.

400. This is... This is how I felt

401. when my wisdom teeth were removed.

402. Mr. Shane is clearly not feeling well.

403. - That was scary. - So, oh, please don't film

404. any of this. No, no, no, no. Please.

405. No, no, don't film anything.

406. Please stop filming.

407. Is there a doctor in the house?

408. God.

409. Is anyone a doctor?

410. I don't think that's normal.

411. I think he's having a bad reaction.

412. - I think he's going into shock. - Oh. Okay, just-just take...

413. - Take that for me. - Okay. Oh.

414. It's okay. I got him. Come on.

415. Let's go.

416. I was with this man as a dog. He's a liar!

417. - It's okay. Hey, hey. - She was a dog as well.

418. Her, too.

419. A dog. Okay. You know what, there's...

420. Dennis, how many drinks did you let him have?

421. - I told him not to mix anything. - I'm driving.

422. You have nice shoulders.

423. Yeah, we can't take him to the hospital.

424. See? This is why we should have made a plan and stuck to it.

425. The plan was to follow your lead, and that got us here.

426. Hey, uh-uh. Eyes! Eyes open.

427. - We can't let him fall asleep, or he might not wake up. - Hey, Eric.

428. Eric, you got to talk to me, okay?

429. Wake up. Stay awake.

430. Say something.

431. - I'm scared. - You're gonna be okay.

432. We're gonna help you.

433. You're the ones who hurt me.

434. Where are you taking me?

435. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

436. Okay.

437. You got... You got to stay up.

438. He doesn't sound good.

439. - Eric. Eric. - Hey, eyes open!

440. Eyes op... An EpiPen.

441. Oh, shit.

442. Eric.

443. Eric, I need you to stay awake.

444. Look at me. Stay awake.

445. - Look at me. Yes. - Hey.

446. - I don't... I don't see an EpiPen. - It's in there.

447. There isn't one.

448. - It's in there. - There's no EpiPen!

449. There's just gauze.

450. - It's in there. - There isn't one.

451. It's a medical pack.

452. Just gauze and alcohol.

453. - I don't see an EpiPen. - It's in here.

454. - Show me. - You're just lonely.

455. I got into this business because I'm lonely, too.

456. I was with this woman I didn't like very much.

457. - There's a medic bag in there. It's green. It's a box. - Yeah.

458. But we got married. I mean, I-I liked her warmth at night.

459. Her legs were like a space heater.

460. Last I heard, she died.

461. Well, before that, she had my baby.

462. I have a daughter somewhere.

463. I don't ever think about her.

464. I-I don't think it's bad

465. because I-I don't feel bad about it...

466. Eric, drink the water, please.

467. Drink this, Eric.

468. - Drink some water. - I've got no friends.

469. - We're your friends. Drink... - No, you're not.

470. You're not my friends. You want what everyone wants.

471. You, the government, First Nations.

472. Give me the fucking EpiPen. Hurry up.

473. All these fucking, fucking people wanting.

474. Speaking, talking and just...

475. - Talking, yakking, yakking. - No, no.

476. Eric, Eric, stay with us.

477. - Hey. Eric. - Eric.

478. Who takes care of a dead body?

479. We do, I guess.

480. Okay. Huh.

481. We'll bury him in the garden.

482. Yeah.

483. Composter.

484. - Yeah. - Because...

485. - Yeah. - Yeah.

486. How is he gonna fit?

487. - All right. - Okay.

488. Grab his legs.

489. - Okay, one, two, three. - Mm-hmm.

490. You, um...

491. You break the legs, and I'll break the arms.

492. - Okay. - Okay?

493. Can we cover the head first?

494. Yeah, good idea.

495. Uh-huh.

496. So, are you gonna do it?

497. Yeah, we'll... we can do it together.

498. Okay, let's do it...

499. - All right. - Okay.

500. - Okay. - Oh...

501. On three.

502. One, two, three.

503. Oh!

504. Oh, my God.

505. Don't do that.

506. Oh!

507. If you barf, I barf.

508. Stop.

509. Sorry.

510. Okay.

511. One, two, three.

512. Do you feel bad?

513. I feel really bad.

514. So this is where you went.

515. Yeah.

516. What are you doing?

517. Watching cartoons.

518. Couldn't sleep?

519. Nope.

520. Me, either.

521. Is this a knockoff Tom and Jerry?

522. My mom never let me watch the violent stuff

523. when I was a kid, so...

524. this kind of thing kind of relaxes me.

525. I don't really like violent cartoons.

526. Really?

527. Yeah.

528. That's surprising.

529. Why is that surprising?

530. I don't know, it's just...

531. I thought you might be into that kind of thing.

532. Mm-hmm.

533. - You... - You asshole.

534. You snooped on my computer!

535. - You asshole. - You're sick.

536. - You're an... I'm sick? - You're sick that I...

537. You set up a trap for me?

538. - Yeah, but I set up a trap... - Cannibal porn?

539. - You think I'm actually into cannibal porn? - Yeah.

540. - I caught you. You were spying on me. - You didn't ca...

541. - You trapped me. - Oh, yes, I did.

542. You're so... You're so fucked up.

543. You know, you're fucked up.

544. - I'm not the weird one. - Okay.

545. Well, it worked.

546. You know, they had to re-dub, um, Mammy Two Shoes

547. 'cause it was so racist in the original cartoon.

548. Who's Mammy Two Shoes?

549. The one in the slippers who's, like...

550. You know, now it's a white woman

551. that's just like, "You darn cat!"

552. But, um, it was really bad,

553. so they dubbed it with a white woman.

554. What's the original voice sound like?

555. - I'm not doing it. - Do it.

556. No. It's...

557. I mean, you know.

558. No. I've never seen it.

559. Like, it... you know, was racist.

560. - You know. - But what kind of racist?

561. She was just like,

562. "Oh, Jaspah, you get out.

563. And when I say out, I mean O-U-T out!"

564. Oh, my God!

565. You scared me.

566. You dick.

567. Oh, the fear on your face.

568. So real.

569. What a shitty day.

570. Yeah.

571. Do you want to kiss me?

572. Just not as dogs this time, just actually?

573. Yeah, I'll-I'll kiss you.

574. Hooray!