1. Dazzle.
Come in, Dazzle.Copy !req
2. Can't talk, Chrysalis.Copy !req
3. I'm spinning
some filthy beats.Copy !req
4. Why is the city sponsoring
a children's rave?Copy !req
5. If you want a child
to rave safely,Copy !req
6. you've got to let them
rave early.Copy !req
7. These kids can't tell
the difference betweenCopy !req
8. kid's ecstasy
and real ecstasy.Copy !req
9. But they're clearly labeled.Copy !req
10. This just seems like
a breeding groundCopy !req
11. for juvenile addicts
and criminals.Copy !req
12. Take a chill pill,
Chrysalis.Copy !req
13. And I have 40 varieties
of chill pill.Copy !req
14. Children!Copy !req
15. Put your binkies in your mouthCopy !req
16. 'cause the beat's about to drop!Copy !req
17. Hey, kid!Copy !req
18. Stop it.Copy !req
19. Na-na na-na-na!Copy !req
20. You can't shoot me!Copy !req
21. - I'm underage!
- Dazzle, come in.Copy !req
22. Bike theft in progress
in the southwest alley.Copy !req
23. Put your clammy hands together
for Moonbeam City'sCopy !req
24. top sky dancer,
Odyssey!Copy !req
25. Cool rave, chill buzz,
dirty beats.Copy !req
26. The only thing that could
ruin this vibeCopy !req
27. is if I start questioning it.Copy !req
28. Uh-oh, I just questioned it.Copy !req
29. What if I had a panic attack
right now?Copy !req
30. That could happen.Copy !req
31. Okay, just breathe, relax.Copy !req
32. Oh, God.Copy !req
33. I need some air!Copy !req
34. Society made me this way!Copy !req
35. I'm the product
of a broken fam—ah!Copy !req
36. I'm not high, I swear.Copy !req
37. Please don't call the cops.Copy !req
38. - Arrest him, Dazzle.
- Whew!Copy !req
39. You're under arrest
for 13 countsCopy !req
40. of whatever you did.Copy !req
41. Mama Mia.Copy !req
42. That's some spicy justice.Copy !req
43. Welcome to Crimezappers.Copy !req
44. I'm retired Police Sergeant
Vex Mullery.Copy !req
45. Join me as I go waist-deep into
the seedy underbelly of crimeCopy !req
46. in Moonbeam City.Copy !req
47. Shut your damn mouths!Copy !req
48. Vex Mullery is talking!Copy !req
49. It's every family's worst
getting murdered.Copy !req
50. But here's the story
of one family poochCopy !req
51. that would be doggoned to see
her masters stabbed to death.Copy !req
52. July 17th, 10:30 P.M.Copy !req
53. The Petersen family doesn't
know it,Copy !req
54. but a desperate stranger lurks.Copy !req
55. Luckily, the family mutt Shasta
has a bone to pickCopy !req
56. with this boneheaded killer.Copy !req
57. Ow!Copy !req
58. (Vex)
In the end,
the dogged tenacityCopy !req
59. of this mangy bitch
saved the day.Copy !req
60. We could learn a lot
from Shasta.Copy !req
61. You're doggone right we could.Copy !req
62. Ah!
Vex Mullery!Copy !req
63. Crimezappers
is my favorite show!Copy !req
64. Didn't you ever get
my fan lettersCopy !req
65. or the death threats
after you didn't respondCopy !req
66. to my fan letters?Copy !req
67. Thank you, son,
but I'm not here for you.Copy !req
68. I'm here for him.Copy !req
69. Would you let us reenact
the bustCopy !req
70. of that bicycle-thieving punk
for our program?Copy !req
71. Oh, that was nothing.Copy !req
72. We're all heroes
when you think about it.Copy !req
73. But yes, my answer's yes,
and yes, I will gladly serveCopy !req
74. as your on-set
technical consultant, yes.Copy !req
75. Or you don't have to come
at all.Copy !req
76. No, I insist.
Just send a car for me.Copy !req
77. I was involved
in the arrest too.Copy !req
78. Yeah, that's cute, Legs,
but it's Dazzle we want.Copy !req
79. (Vex)
Must bring the memories
of that day flooding back.Copy !req
80. Bet it makes you feel like
a starCopy !req
81. instead of some jerk.Copy !req
82. I'm just curious.Copy !req
83. Why are we not opening
with a helicopter shot?Copy !req
84. You kidding me?
Our entire budget is $400.Copy !req
85. I'll tell you what.
Let's just try one!Copy !req
86. Okay!
And "zaption"!Copy !req
87. Freeze, punk.
You're under arrest.Copy !req
88. And cut!Copy !req
89. Great job, crew!Copy !req
90. Once again, we nailed
that reenactment perfectlyCopy !req
91. on the first take.Copy !req
92. Let's take a group photo
and all go home.Copy !req
93. Hey, Dazzle,
nice to meet you.Copy !req
94. My name's Matt.Copy !req
95. Oh, it was a real rush
to play you, pal.Copy !req
96. Holy gosh, we're like
a couple of twins here.Copy !req
97. Ah!
My average looks!Copy !req
98. You will rue the day you thought
you could play me,Copy !req
99. Dazzle Novak.Copy !req
100. I'm gonna have
to re-shoot this myself.Copy !req
101. So why should
the police department financeCopy !req
102. your narcissistic
vanity project?Copy !req
103. Think of the kids.Copy !req
104. Will they learn anything
from another cheapCopy !req
105. Crimezappers reenactment?Copy !req
106. But the mythic struggle
between darkness and lightCopy !req
107. as rendered through
Dazzle Novak's epic vision?Copy !req
108. That kind of thing
could change lives.Copy !req
109. Side note: I think we could make
a dick-load of cashCopy !req
110. merchandising this thing.Copy !req
111. I mocked up these action figures
in my workshop last night.Copy !req
112. So you see?Copy !req
113. - It's fine.
- Hmm.Copy !req
114. Well, juvenile delinquencyCopy !req
115. has been on the rise every year
since those damnedCopy !req
116. mandatory children's
raves began.Copy !req
117. You got yourself
a "go" picture,Copy !req
118. but if you screw this up, you'll
work in this town again...Copy !req
119. in a worse job.Copy !req
120. Get out!Copy !req
121. And may your ugly bloodline
die with you.Copy !req
122. Who's next?Copy !req
123. Says here, "Brunk Whitmore"?Copy !req
124. Hello, I'm, uh, uh,
Brunk WhitmoreCopy !req
125. for the role of Dazzle.Copy !req
126. Okay, Brunk,
where else have you acted?Copy !req
127. Uh, you know, theater plays
you haven't seen,Copy !req
128. uh, uh, Shakespeare
and the like.Copy !req
129. Oh! Shakespeare.Copy !req
130. What roles... specifically?Copy !req
131. Uh, you know, the—
the knightCopy !req
132. who grips the sword,
and the princeCopy !req
133. who eats, uh, poison,
and, uh, the duke.Copy !req
134. - Rad, we know it's you.
- Ah, crap!Copy !req
135. Rad Cunningham, the kid
who doesn't wipe properlyCopy !req
136. at the slumber party of life.Copy !req
137. Please let me be a part
of Crimezappers!Copy !req
138. - I'm begging you!
- Oh, Rad.Copy !req
139. If you wanted to be involved,
you should have just asked.Copy !req
140. - Can I be involved?
- Nope.Copy !req
141. Ah, crap!Copy !req
142. What do I have to do
to get on Crimezappers?Copy !req
143. Zap an actual crime
or something?Copy !req
144. (man)
Yo, give me the cash!Copy !req
145. Faster! No heroes!Copy !req
146. Not getting involved with that.Copy !req
147. Wait a second.Copy !req
148. Okay, cut all the acting
that is happening for a momentCopy !req
149. and the machines from recording
anything here now.Copy !req
150. Damn it!
We injured another Dazzle.Copy !req
151. - New Dazzle to set.
- Dazzle, for God's sakes,Copy !req
152. we've got to wrap soon.Copy !req
153. This crew is on
quintuple-platinum overtime.Copy !req
154. But it's worth every penny
to capture Odyssey'sCopy !req
155. scene-stealing performance
as Chrysalis.Copy !req
156. Thanks, Dazzle.Copy !req
157. You know what I love about
my characterCopy !req
158. is she is a total badass.Copy !req
159. - She's me?
- Dazzle!Copy !req
160. I trust this production
is swimming along swimmingly?Copy !req
161. As you can see,
we're staying on scheduleCopy !req
162. and the crew is jazzed
to be here.Copy !req
163. What in God's name
are you riding?Copy !req
164. It's a camera rig I designed.
Novak-cam.Copy !req
165. It allows me to shoot
all the actionCopy !req
166. from a constantly circling
and blurry point of view.Copy !req
167. Patent pending.Copy !req
168. (man)
And cue pyro!Copy !req
169. Uh-oh, this kid is only 12,Copy !req
170. and he's been working
for 26 hours straight,Copy !req
171. and he's hurt real bad.Copy !req
172. I want someone to get this dead
child off my set immediately.Copy !req
173. Thank you.
Big smiles, everyone.Copy !req
174. - Why aren't we shooting?
- That's it, Dazzle, I'm done!Copy !req
175. You can find someone else
to follow youCopy !req
176. into the depths of hell
because I won't.Copy !req
177. I should have known this was all
just a very expensive wayCopy !req
178. for you to stare at
your own dick in the mirror!Copy !req
179. You're finished.Copy !req
180. No one tells Dazzle Novak
when to finish,Copy !req
181. except the thick-calved woman
Dazzle NovakCopy !req
182. sometimes hires to do that.Copy !req
183. I'm finishing this reenactment
without your help.Copy !req
184. Ha! Good luck finding anyone
stupid enoughCopy !req
185. to give you the money.Copy !req
186. They call me
Mr. Stupid Enough.Copy !req
187. Hey, Dazzle Novak!
Me very good friend!Copy !req
188. Ahh, yes,
Zephyr Agamemnonianon.Copy !req
189. Shall we do the customary
double kiss of friendship?Copy !req
190. Oh, and allow me to give you
the five gentle pecksCopy !req
191. of chummy accord!Copy !req
192. And of course the groin knee
of camaraderie.Copy !req
193. Ooh!Copy !req
194. You've been practicing,
Dazzle!Copy !req
195. Come, dine with me.Copy !req
196. Your vestibule
is breathtaking.Copy !req
197. The movie biz
is treating you well.Copy !req
198. Actually, no.Copy !req
199. None of these movies
made money.Copy !req
200. I made my real fortune
during the war.Copy !req
201. It's true what they say.Copy !req
202. The time to buy is when
there's blood in the streets.Copy !req
203. So I just need $30 million.Copy !req
204. Hmm.Copy !req
205. I'd finance your productionCopy !req
206. if maybe you shot in
the desert of Krakmoonistan.Copy !req
207. It's very war-torn,
but very beautiful.Copy !req
208. You got it.
We'll shoot in Krakmoonistan.Copy !req
209. So the money happens when?Copy !req
210. And you know who should playCopy !req
211. the part of you, Dazzle?Copy !req
212. My son-in-law Hudson.Copy !req
213. Hudson!
Come!Copy !req
214. - Yeah, Dad?
- Don't call me that.Copy !req
215. You see?Copy !req
216. He's tall like big glass
of Clamato.Copy !req
217. Hmm, well,
I always imagined DazzleCopy !req
218. as not
a distractingly giant type.Copy !req
219. But this boy has strong back,
calcified forehead,Copy !req
220. and bushy beard
just like movie star!Copy !req
221. Okay, okay, okay, whatever.
You can be Dazzle.Copy !req
222. Okay!
You real director!Copy !req
223. To art without compromise!Copy !req
224. Sorry it had to be this way.Copy !req
225. Also, you should know
I'm your father.Copy !req
226. Daddy,
forgive me stealing bike.Copy !req
227. Keep going!
It's just locusts!Copy !req
228. Should we chase after the set?Copy !req
229. No.
The desert is now our set.Copy !req
230. All right, Hudson!Copy !req
231. When we cut the wheel loose,
you run like hell...Copy !req
232. because it will crush you!Copy !req
233. Why is it so big?Copy !req
234. It's forced perspective.Copy !req
235. It's gonna look normal size
on camera.Copy !req
236. Now, crew,
this goes without saying,Copy !req
237. but please do not fight
the rebels during the take.Copy !req
238. I know you're in a violent
struggle for your homeland,Copy !req
239. but I need your hustle, okay?Copy !req
240. Lights, camera, actualize
the events from the script!Copy !req
241. Oh, no!
Money!Copy !req
242. I mean, Zephyr,
I didn't mean to crush you.Copy !req
243. No feelings of hardness,
my friend.Copy !req
244. Your reenactment is only work
of value I ever produce.Copy !req
245. Promise me two things.Copy !req
246. You will finish
this reenactment,Copy !req
247. and you will bring Zephyr
back to life!Copy !req
248. Unless they discover a cure
for crushed body,Copy !req
249. I can only promise the first.Copy !req
250. This true.Copy !req
251. There's blood in the streets.Copy !req
252. Don't forget to buy.Copy !req
253. All right, let's clear this
corpse and go right away.Copy !req
254. Big smiles.
Why aren't we shooting?Copy !req
255. Zephyr is dead!Copy !req
256. The cruelest among us will now
fill the power vacuum!Copy !req
257. Stop shooting each other!Copy !req
258. Save your ammo for the rebels!Copy !req
259. Hudson!
Jump on the Novak-cam!Copy !req
260. Ho!
To freedom!Copy !req
261. Dazzle, your back...
and your front are both so fat.Copy !req
262. Ma'am, I need you to stay clear
of Mr. Novak's eye-contact zone.Copy !req
263. Attention!
Thank you.Copy !req
264. We are seconds away
from a television eventCopy !req
265. that will change everything.Copy !req
266. But first, let's take
a quiet moment to mournCopy !req
267. the 16 crew members
and 2 editorsCopy !req
268. who died during our production.Copy !req
269. May their ghosts haunt
this reenactment...Copy !req
270. but in a good way,
like people watch it againCopy !req
271. to see if they can see
the ghosts.Copy !req
272. And to their widows, I say,Copy !req
273. drop your frivolous lawsuit,Copy !req
274. you vicious enemies of art!Copy !req
275. - Show's about to start.
- Show's about to start. Shh!Copy !req
276. - Quiet down, quiet down.
- Shh!Copy !req
277. Bicycle thieves.Copy !req
278. They always appear glamorous
in the movies,Copy !req
279. but gear up
for a wheelie exciting storyCopy !req
280. of one thief who couldn't
handlebar the tire pressureCopy !req
281. of Moonbeam City heat.Copy !req
282. What price justice?Copy !req
283. Yes, struck down a thief,Copy !req
284. but what does it mean to thieve?Copy !req
285. To understand,
we must travel backCopy !req
286. to the "oro-gins" of man.Copy !req
287. We're going into flashback.Copy !req
288. Everybody put
your 3-D glasses on.Copy !req
289. Okay, we're back to the present,
take them off.Copy !req
290. Okay, put 'em on!
Okay, take 'em off.Copy !req
291. All right, back to the present,
so take 'em off.Copy !req
292. Okay, dream sequence!
Dream sequence!Copy !req
293. Off and on! Off and on!
Off and on! Off and on!Copy !req
294. The nation of KrakmoonistanCopy !req
295. has much to offer to the West
in exchange for armsCopy !req
296. to purge the rebel scum.Copy !req
297. What the hell was that?Copy !req
298. Uh, Dazzle, that was...
ambitious.Copy !req
299. Well, they cut out all
the full-frontal nudity for TV.Copy !req
300. Whatever.Copy !req
301. The director's cut
is the real version.Copy !req
302. Whatever.
Is what it is.Copy !req
303. Whatev—I'm tired
of talking about this.Copy !req
304. The director's cut's better.Copy !req
305. Next up,
a story of a heroic cop,Copy !req
306. Rad Cunningham,
who zapped back the streetsCopy !req
307. in the name of justice,
when Crimezappers returns.Copy !req
308. Rad Cunningham on Crimezappers?Copy !req
309. Oh, you heard right!Copy !req
310. Reenacted
and it feels so good!Copy !req
311. Stick around, everyone!Copy !req
312. I made my own segment
of Crimezappers!Copy !req
313. And you'll see it
after the break!Copy !req
314. After the break.Copy !req
315. After the break.Copy !req
316. Now that we're back
from the break,Copy !req
317. it's time to watch
my reenactment.Copy !req
318. Rad, I think, uh,
I speak for everyone when I sayCopy !req
319. we are reenacted out.Copy !req
320. - Sit down!
- Sit down, asshole!Copy !req
321. Sit down!Copy !req
322. (Vex)
April 5th, 10:00 P.M.Copy !req
323. These candy kids raid
a liquor storeCopy !req
324. like it's a candy store,Copy !req
325. but they have no idea
what's in store for them.Copy !req
326. Oh, yoo-hoo!Copy !req
327. Eat crap!Copy !req
328. - Whoa!
- Cool!Copy !req
329. - That was great!
- He sings too.Copy !req
330. I produced the track myself.Copy !req
331. I can't believe I'm saying this,
but I actually liked it.Copy !req
332. Couldn't have done it without
my producer de extraordinary.Copy !req
333. Pizzaz?
You... produced this?Copy !req
334. Why?Copy !req
335. Rad stays under budget,Copy !req
336. Rad does what he's told,Copy !req
337. and Rad plays ball, kid.Copy !req
338. Can't you tell
the difference betweenCopy !req
339. Rad's slick-slacky hackery
and my real art?Copy !req
340. More like real fart.Copy !req
341. - And he's funny too!
- He's funny!Copy !req
342. (Rad)
Keep it single file, people!Copy !req
343. Hi, thanks for coming out.
What's your name?Copy !req
344. Sure, I'll sign your dick.Copy !req
345. Long time no see, Cinnamon.Copy !req
346. You saw me yesterday,
and my name's Chrysalis.Copy !req
347. Right.
Want a beer?Copy !req
348. I don't drink them.Copy !req
349. I just like opening them.Copy !req
350. I figured you'd go downhill
at some point,Copy !req
351. but not quite this fast.Copy !req
352. Why are you giving up on life?Copy !req
353. To quote the poet, "What happens
to a dream deferred?Copy !req
354. "Does it dry up
like a California raisin?Copy !req
355. Or does it swell up
until it goes explodo-kaboom?"Copy !req
356. You can't die of self pity
just because RadCopy !req
357. is slightly more appreciated
this week.Copy !req
358. Come back to work.
The force needs you.Copy !req
359. I don't fight crime anymore.Copy !req
360. I fight my shame... with food.Copy !req
361. Mostly cheese.Copy !req
362. Are you sure that's not
a size 6?Copy !req
363. Because I'm definitely a 7.Copy !req
364. - It is a size 7.
- Maybe it's labeled wrong?Copy !req
365. Maybe you just have
huge feet, lady.Copy !req
366. Dazzle!Copy !req
367. Is that you, old sport?Copy !req
368. I've seen you
on the TV.Copy !req
369. Rad, you're a total badass
rock star.Copy !req
370. You're a badass, babe.Copy !req
371. Now how about you put some kicks
on these famous feet?Copy !req
372. This is
a ladies' shoe store.Copy !req
373. That doesn't matter!Copy !req
374. I want you to put a pump
on my foot!Copy !req
375. You heard the hero!Copy !req
376. Put a pump on his foot!Copy !req
377. Oh, yeah,
slip it on there good.Copy !req
378. - I can't.
- Do it!Copy !req
379. Put that ladies' pump
on my dirty, dirty foot!Copy !req
380. Now I kick-a you!Copy !req
381. - Ow!Copy !req
382. Kicking you
with my sensible pump!Copy !req
383. - Ah!Copy !req
384. - How does that feel?Copy !req
385. Oops!
Did it again!Copy !req
386. Guess it wasn't an accident!Copy !req
387. - Get him.Copy !req
388. - Ow!
- Kick him in his teeth.Copy !req
389. - Please stop.Copy !req
390. (man)
Come on, man, give me the cash!
Faster!Copy !req
391. Okay, okay, don't shoot.
Don't shoot.Copy !req
392. Don't move, fatso!Copy !req
393. You do not want
to mess with meCopy !req
394. when I am buying salty snacks.Copy !req
395. Those ravers have robbed
this store six times,Copy !req
396. and you're the first person
who's stopped them.Copy !req
397. But didn't Rad Cunningham
bust them last time?Copy !req
398. Rad Cunningham?
Oh, that jerk?Copy !req
399. His story
was a crock of stew.Copy !req
400. Here's what really happened.Copy !req
401. Rad comes into the store
and the kids...Copy !req
402. Ouch!
Friday night!Copy !req
403. Time to watch Crimezappers
with the old gang.Copy !req
404. Dazzle, I'm glad you're back.Copy !req
405. Let's skip Crimezappers tonight.Copy !req
406. Let's, uh,
play a board game instead.Copy !req
407. Uh, Berry-chomping Rhinos?Copy !req
408. - Sit down!
- Down!Copy !req
409. (Vex)
Tonight, a special edition
of Crimezappers.Copy !req
410. Last week, we brought you
the heroic storyCopy !req
411. of Officer Rad Cunningham, but
now it appears we've been hadCopy !req
412. by a cunning scam.Copy !req
413. What actually happened that day
in the liquor store, Rad?Copy !req
414. Exactly what I told you.
You saw my reenactment.Copy !req
415. Why would I lie?Copy !req
416. Uh, guys, pick your pieces!Copy !req
417. These rhinos are some
very hungry dudes.Copy !req
418. - Shh!
- Shut up!Copy !req
419. What would you say if we had
security camera footageCopy !req
420. from the incident?Copy !req
421. I'd say...
I lied!Copy !req
422. I tried to stop the punks,Copy !req
423. but I got scared
and I ran away,Copy !req
424. and then tripped on the rack
of sunglasses,Copy !req
425. and all the sunglasses
fell on me!Copy !req
426. I got up and ran into the street
but I couldn't see,Copy !req
427. so I fell down
an open manhole!Copy !req
428. How is there footage
of this part?Copy !req
429. Sewer-cam.Copy !req
430. I tried to climb out
of the sewer,Copy !req
431. but there was so much poop
in there!Copy !req
432. And I was so scared,
I pooped in the poop!Copy !req
433. And I couldn't tell
which poop was mineCopy !req
434. and which poop was already
in there!Copy !req
435. And then I thought,Copy !req
436. "Well, there's not really
a difference."Copy !req
437. And some of it got
in my mouth!Copy !req
438. And I kind of liked it!Copy !req
439. I liked poop in my mouth!Copy !req
440. What's wrong with me?Copy !req
441. All right.Copy !req
442. So I guess I will just, uh,
pack up the...Copy !req
443. Berry-chomping Rhinos game
myself.Copy !req
444. I had fun.Copy !req
445. Crimezappers is truly sorry
for this debacle.Copy !req
446. So much so that we're taking
ourselves off the air.Copy !req
447. This is our final show,Copy !req
448. and Rad Cunningham
shall ever be knownCopy !req
449. as the man who killed
this program.Copy !req
450. In a final hara-kiri-like
gesture of self-destruction,Copy !req
451. we leave you
with Dazzle Novak's uncut opus.Copy !req
452. All 258 minutes of
graphic nudity fully restored.Copy !req
453. Sweet!Copy !req
454. Well, Dazzle, you were right.Copy !req
455. This version is better.Copy !req
456. Give it up
for the host with the most,Copy !req
457. the original Crimezapper,Copy !req
458. Vex Mullery!Copy !req
459. We'll miss you, Vex!Copy !req
460. (Vex)
Carry on my legacy, children!Copy !req
461. To the sky!Copy !req
462. I did not authorize
this rave!Copy !req
463. I'm feeling a very harsh energy
from you, Pizzaz.Copy !req
464. Give me a hug, girl!Copy !req
465. What the hell
is wrong with her?Copy !req
466. Stay back or I will gouge out
those dilated eyes!Copy !req
467. Hey, Chrysalis
is just candy flipping, man.Copy !req
468. She's amping hardcore,
but no worries.Copy !req
469. It's a chill roll.Copy !req
470. Hudson, quit train-spotting
and take the wheel.Copy !req
471. Got it, Mr. Novak!Copy !req
472. My name's DJ Hudson!Copy !req
473. Time to have some fun-son!Copy !req
474. I did it! I did it!Copy !req
475. I kicked the poo guy!
I kicked the poo guy!Copy !req
476. Chirp.Copy !req