Monty Python's Flying Circus 4x6

1. There now follows a party political broadcast

2. on behalf of the.

3. Liberal Party.

4. Pratt, back to Pratt.

5. Pratt again, a long ball out to Pratt.

6. And now Pratt is on the ball, a neat little flick

7. back inside to Pratt, who takes it nicely,

8. and zips it through on the far side to Pratt.

9. Pratt with it, but passes instead to Pratt.

10. Pratt again... Oh, and well intercepted by

11. the swarthy little number nine, Conchito Maracon.

12. This 21-year-old halfback, remarkably stocky

13. for 6-foot-3-inches.

14. Square-shouldered, balding giant,

15. hair flowing in the wind, bright-eyed, pert,

16. young for his age, but oh, so old in so many ways.

17. For a 39-year-old, you wouldn't expect such speed.

18. Normally considered slow, he's incredibly fast

19. as he wanders aimlessly around sweeping up,

20. taking the defense to the cleaners.

21. Who would've thought, though many expected it

22. this remarkable, 45-year-old, "9'4" dwarf of a man,

23. who is still only 17

24. in some parts of the world, would ever really be...?

25. There was a goal there apparently.

26. And now it's Pratt.

27. Back to Pratt.

28. Pratt again, a long ball out to Pratt.

29. Pratt inside.

30. Chips it through, far post.

31. Pratt inside, back again

32. I really like this Ano-Weet.

33. It really unclogs me.

34. Oh, do be careful.

35. Sorry, Mum.

36. I mean, a lot of the others say they unclog you,

37. but I never had a single bowel movement

38. with them Recto-Puffs.

39. Now, if we... Oh, sorry, Mum.

40. If we lived in Rhodesia, there'd be someone

41. to mop that up for you.

42. Don't be so bleeding stupid.

43. If you lived in bleeding Rhodesia

44. you'd be out at bleeding fascist rallies

45. every bleeding day.

46. You're a bleeding racist, you bleeding are.

47. Language.

48. Well, he gets on my sodding wick.

49. That's better.

50. The stuff I liked was that stuff

51. they gave me before the war.

52. What was it? Wilkinson's.

53. Number Eight Laxative Cereal.

54. That went through you like a bloody Ferrari.

55. Now, who's that at this time of day?

56. If it's the man to empty the Elsan, tell him

57. it's in the hall.

58. Right, dear.

59. And make sure you hold it the right way up.

60. Dad?

61. Yeah?

62. No, no, my dad.

63. Oh.

64. Dad?

65. Dad, why is Rhodesia called.

66. Rhodesia? Oh, sorry, Dad.

67. No, no, thank you very much.

68. No. No, I'm sorry. No, thank you very much indeed.

69. No. Thank you for calling.

70. Not today, thank you.

71. Good morning.

72. Who was that?

73. A Liberal Party candidate, darling.

74. What have you done now?

75. I'm sorry, Mum.

76. I was just washing up.

77. Do go and sit down.

78. Mum?

79. Mum, do you know why.

80. Rhodesia's called Rhodesia?

81. Yeah, do you remember Go-Eazi?

82. They were hopeless.

83. Little black pellets, tasted foul and stuck inside

84. you like flooring adhesive.

85. Well, I'm off.

86. What time are you coming back?

87. Three a.m.

88. I think it's disgusting, you a Member of Parliament.

89. I heard you in the hall last night.

90. I heard you snogging away.

91. We was not snogging.

92. Sure. Sounded like snogging to me.

93. I could hear his great wet,

94. slobbering lips going at you.

95. And his hand going... Dad.

96. Yeah?

97. No, not you.

98. Just mind your language.

99. Sorry, Mum.

100. I've run out of beans.

101. We was talking.

102. We was not snogging.

103. Talking about snogging, I'll bet.

104. If you must know, we was talking

105. about council rehousing.

106. Would it mean going to live in Hollywood?

107. I've run out of beans.

108. Where to rehouse his right hand, that's all he was

109. interested in.

110. And has Faye Dunaway definitely said yes?

111. He is the chairman of the housing subcommittee.

112. Snogging subcommittee.

113. Ralph, do answer that door, will you?

114. Beans.

115. Shut up.

116. Yes, Mum.

117. If it's the man from.

118. Probbo-Rib, tell him it's in the bed.

119. All right.

120. Sorry, Mum.

121. Postman.

122. Beans.

123. Shut up.

124. A very good try there by the Garibaldi family

125. of Droitwich, in.

126. Worcestershire. Professor.

127. Well, I can't make up my mind about this family.

128. I don't think there was the sustained awfulness

129. that we really need.

130. I mean, the father was appalling.

131. Appalling, yes.

132. He was dirty, smelly and distasteful,

133. and I liked him very much.

134. But, uh... Lady Organs.

135. Well, they were an unpleasant family,

136. certainly, but I don't think

137. we had any of the really gross

138. awfulness we're looking for.

139. Harsh words there for the Garibaldi family

140. of Droitwich, in Worcestershire.

141. Present holders of the.

142. East Midlands Most Awful Family Award

143. lower-middle-class section.

144. But unable... Unable today to score more than 15

145. on our disgustometer.

146. With the scores all in from the judges,

147. the Garibaldis are number three,

148. and a surprise at number two:

149. The Fanshaw-Chumleighs of Berkshire.

150. Absolutely super.

151. My little man at Poirier's was telling me

152. I could have my whole body lifted for 5000 pounds.

153. Absolutely super.

154. Put that down there.

155. Well, some of the wonderful behavior that made the.

156. Fanshaw-Chumleighs the second-most-awful family

157. in Britain, 1974.

158. But the winners, by a clear

159. 10-point margin, once again, the awful Jodrell family

160. of Durham.

161. Unfortunately, we can't show

162. you some of the performance that won them the award.

163. But I assure you, it was of the very highest standard.

164. Was it not, Lady Organs?

165. Oh, yes, superb.

166. I mean, Mr. Jodrell, you know, the old grandfather

167. who licks the... Yes. Yes, we do.

168. He's superb. His gobbing is consistent and accurate,

169. and his son's a dirty, foul little creature.

170. And those frightful scabs which Mrs. Jodrell...

171. Yes, well, thank you very much, Lady Organs.

172. And from all of us, well done to the Jodrells.

173. And to all of you,

174. without whom, of course, and not forgetting

175. who made it all possible.

176. We'll be back. Until then good night, and I wish you

177. a safe journey home.

178. Thank you for watching. It was great fun. I enjoyed it,

179. and I hope you watching at home have enjoyed it too.

180. The Jodrells win every bloody year. It makes you vomit.

181. Dad?

182. Yes?

183. Get your stinking feet off the bread.

184. I'm only wiping the cat's doos off.

185. Mum?

186. Shut your gob, Douglas.

187. I want more Corn Blasters.

188. Shut up and eat what you got.

189. Some fat bastard at the door.

190. Shut up.

191. A strong hive of bees contains approximately

192. 75,000 bees.

193. Each honeybee must make 154 trips

194. to collect one teaspoonful of honey. Hello, sir.

195. What do you want?

196. Would you like to buy some of our honey, sir?

197. What are you doing in here?

198. Which would you like?

199. The Californian.

200. Orange Blossom, the Mexican, the New Zealand

201. or the Scottish Heather?

202. He can't eat honey.

203. It makes him go plop-plops.

204. Oh, come on. Please, try some.

205. All right, I'll have some Icelandic honey.

206. No, there is no such thing.

207. You mean you can't make any honey at all?

208. No. No, we must import it all.

209. Every bally drop.

210. We are a gloomy people.

211. It's so crikey cold and dark up there

212. and there's only fish to eat.

213. Fish and imported honey.

214. Oh, strewth.

215. Well, why do you have a week?

216. Listen, buster, in Reykjavík,

217. it is dark for eight months of the year,

218. and it's cold enough to freeze your wrists off.

219. And there's only golly fish to eat.

220. Administrative errors are bound to occur in

221. enormous quantities.

222. Look at this.

223. It's all a mistake.

224. It's a real pain in the sphincter.

225. Icelandic Honey Week? My life.

226. Well, why did you come in here

227. trying to flog the stuff then?

228. Listen, cowboy, I got a job to do.

229. It's a stupid, pointless job, but at least it keeps me

230. away from Iceland. All right?

231. The leg of the worker bee has four tiny...

232. Get out of here.

233. Well, Mr. Cotton, you have what

234. we in the medical profession call a naughty complaint.

235. Now, my advice to you is to, uh, put this paper bag

236. over your head... It's got little holes there.

237. See, little holes for your eyes?

238. And, uh, to ring this bell, and to take this card

239. along to a hospital. Okay?

240. And I shall inform all your relatives and friends

241. and anyone else that I happen to bump into. Okay?

242. Cash, wasn't it?

243. Thank you very much.

244. Get out.

245. Dirty little man.

246. Hippocratic oath.

247. Hippocratic... Oh, it's not in there.

248. Jolly good.

249. Very useful. Next.

250. Ah, yes, you must be Mr. Williams, is that so?

251. Well, do take a seat.

252. W-What seems to be the trouble?

253. I've just been stabbed by your nurse.

254. Oh, dear. Yes, well, I probably better have a

255. look at you then.

256. Look, uh, could you fill in this form first?

257. Sh-she just stabbed me.

258. Yes. Sh-she's an unpredictable sort.

259. Look, uh, you seem to be bleeding rather badly.

260. You better hurry up and fill this in.

261. Couldn't I fill it in later, doctor?

262. No, no. You'd have bled to death by then.

263. Can you hold a pen?

264. I-I'll try.

265. Yes, jolly good.

266. You know, it's a hell of a nuisance,

267. all this damn paperwork.

268. Really, it is.

269. It's a real nightmare, this paperwork.

270. It really is a hell of a nuisance.

271. Uh, something ought to be done about it.

272. Do I have to answer all the questions, doctor?

273. No, no, no. Just, uh, just fill in as many as you can.

274. No need to go into too much detail, you know.

275. I-I don't know why we bother with it all, really.

276. It's such a nuisance.

277. It really is such a... Well, let's see

278. how you've done then.

279. Oh, yes.

280. Oh, dear, oh, dear.

281. That's not very good, is it?

282. Look, surely you knew number four.

283. It's from The Merchant of Venice. Even I knew that.

284. Sorry about the carpet.

285. Oh, don't worry about that.

286. Look at this.

287. Look at this, number six.

288. It's the Treaty of Versailles.

289. Didn't you know that?

290. Oh, my God.

291. And number nine, Emerson Fittipaldi.

292. Really. Virginia Wade?

293. You must be mad.

294. Um, doctor, I've just shot another patient.

295. There's no point in your seeing him.

296. You didn't kill him, did you?

297. Afraid so.

298. Oh, you mustn't kill them, nurse.

299. Oh, I'm sorry, doctor.

300. It was just on the spur of the moment.

301. Rather silly, really.

302. I'm sorry about the carpet, doctor.

303. Mr. Williams, I-I'm afraid I can't give you any marks

304. so I won't be able to recommend you for hospital.

305. I tell you what, I'll stop the bleeding,

306. but strictly speaking, I shouldn't even do that.

307. On marks like these.

308. I mean, really, it's not... There... There are no more

309. patients now, doctor.

310. Oh, well, let's go for lunch then.

311. Uh, what about, uh...?

312. Ah, yes.

313. Look, Mr. Williams, we're just popping out for

314. a bite of lunch while, uh, we've got

315. a spare moment, you know.

316. Look, have another bash at

317. the form, and try and answer...

318. If at least you can answer the questions on history,

319. then we can give you some morphine

320. or something like that, okay?

321. Thank you, doctor. Thank you.

322. Dear Sir, I wish to protest in

323. the strongest possible terms.

324. Yours sincerely, Brigadier N.F.

325. Marwood-Git, bracket, retired.

326. Read that back, will you, Brian?

327. "And when he had built up Cedron,

328. "he sent horsemen there, "and an host of footmen

329. to the end that, issuing out,

330. "they might make out roads upon the ways of Judea,

331. as the king commanded them."

332. Good. Pop it in an envelope and bung it off.

333. It's no good bottling things up, Brian.

334. If you feel them, you must just say them or

335. you'll just go mad.

336. Oh, yes, indeed.

337. As the book of Maccabees said:

338. Yea, as the flea is like unto an oxen,

339. so is the privet hedge liken unto a botanist,

340. black in thy sight, O Lord.

341. Right. Look, why don't you

342. just nip out for lunch, Brian?

343. Yea, as Raymond Chandler said:

344. "It was one of those days when Los Angeles

345. felt like a rock-hard fig."

346. Brian, let's stop this pretending, shall we?

347. Yea, as Dirk Bogarde said in his autobiography

348. Brian, let's stop all this futile pretense.

349. I've... I've always been moderately fond of you.

350. Well, to be quite... Quite frank, brigadier, one...

351. One can't walk so closely with a chap like you for...

352. For so long without feeling something

353. deep down inside.

354. Even if it isn't anything... Anything very much.

355. Well, splendid, Brian.

356. Well, uh, I don't suppose there's much we can do, really.

357. Not on television, no.

358. No.

359. They, uh... They are a lot more permissive

360. these days than they used to be.

361. Ah, yes, but, uh, not with this sort of thing.

362. No.

363. I suppose they've got to draw the line somewhere.

364. Yes.

365. Yes.

366. Well, take a letter, Brian. Yes.

367. Dear Sir, I wish to protest...

368. There now follows an appeal on behalf of extremely

369. rich people who have absolutely nothing

370. wrong with them.

371. Hello. I'd like to talk to you tonight

372. about a minority group of people who have no mental

373. or physical handicaps, and who, through no fault

374. of their own, have never been deprived,

375. and consequently are forced to live in conditions

376. of extreme luxury.

377. This often-ignored minority is very rarely brought

378. to the attention of the general public.

379. The average man in the street scarcely gives a

380. second thought to these extremely well-off people.

381. He quite simply fails to appreciate the pressures

382. that vast quantities of money just do not bring.

383. Have you at home ever had to cope with this problem?

384. Or this?

385. I know it's only human to say, "Oh, this will never

386. happen to me."

387. And of course, it won't.

388. So I'm asking you, please,

389. please, send no contributions, however large, to me.

390. A party political broadcast... All right, I'll go.

391. On behalf of the.

392. Liberal Party.

393. ♪ Everything goes up ♪

394. ♪ Everything goes down ♪

395. ♪ Fish bananas all... ♪

396. Hello, madam.

397. Oh, hello.

398. You must have come about...

399. Finishing the sentences, yes.

400. Perhaps you'd like to...?

401. Come through this way.

402. Certainly.

403. Oh, nice place you've got here.

404. Yes, well, we... Like it?

405. Yes, we certainly... Do. Good.

406. When did you first start?

407. Finding it difficult...?

408. To finish sentences, yes.

409. Well, it's not me, it's my... Husband?

410. Yes, he... Never lets you finish what you start?

411. I'm starting to feel... You'll never finish

412. a sentence again.

413. Exact ly. It must be awful.

414. It's driving me... To drink?

415. No, roun ound the bend?

416. Yes.

417. May I...?

418. Take a seat.

419. Thank you. You see, our method is to reassure

420. the patient by re-creating normal... Conditions?

421. Yes. Then we try and get them into a position

422. where they suddenly find that they're completing

423. other people's sentences... Themselves.

424. Spot on, Mrs... Smith?

425. Good. Well, try not to overdo it to... Begin with.

426. Just keep it to one or two... Words.

427. To start, otherwise you may find that

428. I'm taking on too long a sentence

429. and getting completely... Stuck. Good. Yes.

430. Well, that's about it for now, so...

431. Thanks very much for calling.

432. Oh, not at all.

433. And, uh... Just like to say... Thank you very much

434. for coming along. Not at all.

435. And good bye, Mr... Vernon.

436. Carl?

437. Yes, dear?

438. I've just had another baby.

439. Oh, no. How many is that now?

440. Twelve since lunch.

441. Oh, there's another one.

442. This is Stonehenge.

443. And it's from here we go to Africa.

444. Well, here it is at last, the goal of our quest.

445. After six months and three

446. days, we've finally caught up with the legendary

447. walking tree of Dahomey, Quercus Nicholas parsonus.

448. Resting here for a moment on its long journey south.

449. It's almost incredible, isn't it,

450. to think that this huge tree has walked over 2000 miles

451. across this inhospitable terrain to stop here,

452. maybe just to take in water before the 2000 miles

453. on to Cape Town where it lives.

454. It's almost unimaginable, I find,

455. uh, the thought of this mighty tree strolling

456. through Nigeria, perhaps swaggering a little,

457. as it crosses the border into Zaire,

458. hopping through the tropical rain forest,

459. trying to find a-a quiet grove where it can, uh,

460. jump around on its own.

461. Sprinting up to Zambia for the afternoon,

462. then nipping back... Oh, super.

463. Well, I've just been told that this is, uh,

464. not, in fact, the legendary walking tree of Dahomey.

465. This is one of Africa's many stationary trees.

466. Arborus bamber gascoignes.

467. In fact, we've just, uh, missed the walking tree.

468. It left here at 8:00

469. this morning.

470. Uh, it was heading off in that direction,

471. so we'll just see if we can go and catch it up.

472. Come on, boys.

473. Well, we're still keeping up with it,

474. but it's setting a furious pace.

475. Early this morning, we thought we'd spotted it,

476. but it turned out to be an Angolan sauntering tree,

477. Amazellus robin ray, out walking

478. with a Gambian sidling bush.

479. So on we go.

480. It's gonna be difficult.

481. The walking tree can achieve speeds of up to 50 miles

482. an hour, especially when it's in a hurry.

483. Super. Well, Rupert has spotted something.

484. This could be it.

485. A walking tree on the move.

486. Come on.

487. But what Rupert had in fact discovered

488. was something very different.

489. The Turkish little rude plant.

490. This remarkably smutty piece of flora

491. was used by the Turks to ram up each other's...

492. Ah, no. In fact, it was something

493. even more interesting.

494. Yes, there it was, over the other side

495. of the clearing, the legendary

496. puking tree of Mozambique.

497. No, what they had come across was a tribe lost to man

498. since time immemorial.

499. The legendary Batsmen of the Kalahari.

500. Primitive customs still survive here

501. as if the march of time had passed them by.

502. But for all the mumbo jumbo and superstition,

503. the Batsmen of the Kalahari are formidable fighters,

504. as we can see in this rare footage of them in action

505. against Warwickshire.

506. Warwickshire had dismissed

507. the Kalahari Batsmen for 140.

508. And then it was their turn to face this extraordinary.

509. Kalahari attack.

510. Pratt was the first to go, but Pratt and Pratt

511. put on a second-wicket stand of naught,

512. which was broken by O'Dinga, in his most hostile move.

513. That's B. Pratt, hit wicket, naught.

514. But Pratt and Z. Pratt dug in

515. and took the score to a half before Z. Pratt ran away.

516. But out came M.J.K. Pratt to play a real

517. captain's innings.

518. He'd taken his own score up to naught

519. when he mistimed a shot of Bowanga and was lbw.

520. Typical of Umbonga's hostile opening spell

521. was his dismissal of V.E. Pratt,

522. who offered no resistance to this delivery.

523. And he was caught behind.

524. But by lunch, the situation had changed dramatically.

525. And so with the tension colossal as we come up to

526. the last ball, that's all from us.

527. Good evening. Over 400,000 million pounds

528. were wiped off the value of shares this afternoon,

529. when someone in the stock exchange coughed.

530. Sport. Capital punishment is to be reintroduced

531. in the first and second division.

532. Any player found tackling from

533. behind or controlling the ball

534. with the lower part of the arm will be hanged.

535. But the electric chair remains the standard punishment

536. for threatening the goalie.

537. Referees chairman, Len Goebbels said:

538. "At last the referee has been given teeth."

539. Finally, politics. The latest

540. opinion poll published today shows Labor ahead

541. with 40 percent, the AA, second with 38 percent,

542. and not surprisingly, Kentucky Fried Chicken

543. running the Liberals a very close third.

544. And now back to me. Hello.

545. And now it's time to go over

546. to Hugh Delaney at Paignton.

547. Hello, and welcome to Paignton.

548. Because it's from Paignton we take you straight back

549. to the studio.

550. Hello. And it's from here we go over there.

551. Well, we're already here, so let's go over there.

552. Welcome back.

553. And now it's time for part eight of our series

554. about the life and work of Ursula Hitler,

555. the Surrey housewife who revolutionized

556. British beekeeping in the 1930s.

557. That was a party political cast on behalf of

558. the Liberal Party.