Monty Python's Flying Circus 4x6

Directed by Ian MacNaughton

Sketches in this final episode include The Most Awful Family in Britain, Patient Abuse, Brigadier and Bishop and The Man Who Finishes Other People's Sentences.

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1. ON BEHALF OF THE LIBERAL PARTY.

2. Pratt, back to Pratt.

3. Pratt again, a long ball out to Pratt

4. and now Pratt is on the ball...

5. a neat little flick back inside to Pratt, who takes it nicely

6. and sends it through on the far side to Pratt.

7. Pratt with it but passes instead to Pratt, Pratt again...

8. Oh, and well intercepted

9. by the swarthy little number nine Concito Maracon.

10. This 21-year-old halfback

11. remarkably stocky for six foot, three inches

12. square shouldered, balding giant, hair flowing in the wind

13. bright-eyed, pert, young for his age

14. but oh-so-old in so many ways.

15. For a 39-year-old you wouldn't expect such speed.

16. Normally considered slow...

17. Sweeping up and taking the defense to the cleaners.

18. Who would have thought, though many expected it

19. this remarkable 45-year-old

20. nine foot, four inches dwarf of a man

21. who is still only 17 in some parts of the world

22. would ever really be...

23. oh, and there was a goal there apparently...

24. and now it's Pratt, back to Pratt...

25. Pratt again... a long ball out to Pratt...

26. THIS ANO-WHEAT.

27. UNCLOGS ME.

28. OH, DO BE CAREFUL!

29. SORRY, MUM.

30. I MEAN, A LOT

31. "RECTO-PUFFS."

32. NOW, IF WE...

33. OH, SORRY, MUM.

34. THERE'D BE

35. FOR YOU.

36. DON'T BE SO BLEEDIN' STUPID.

37. IN BLEEDIN' RHODESIA

38. YOU'D BE OUT AT BLEEDIN' FASCIST RALLIES EVERY BLEEDIN' DAY.

39. YOU'RE A BLEEDIN' RACIST, YOU BLEEDIN' ARE!

40. LANGUAGE!

41. WELL, HE GETS ON MY SODDING WICK.

42. THAT'S BETTER.

43. NO, THE STUFF

44. WHAT WAS IT?

45. WILKINSON'S LAXATIVE CEREAL.

46. WHEW, THAT ONE

47. LIKE A BLOODY FERRARI.

48. NOW, WHO'S THAT AT THIS TIME OF DAY?

49. IF IT'S THE MAN

50. TELL HIM IT'S IN THE HALL.

51. RIGHT, DEAR.

52. WAY UP.

53. DAD?

54. YEAH?

55. NO, NO, MY DAD.

56. OH.

57. DAD, WHY IS RHODESIA CALLED RHODESIA?

58. OH, SORRY, DAD.

59. NO, NO, THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

60. NO, I'M SORRY.

61. MUCH, INDEED.

62. NO, THANK YOU FOR CALLING.

63. NOT TODAY, THANK YOU.

64. GOOD MORNING.

65. WHO WAS THAT?

66. CANDIDATE, DARLING.

67. DONE NOW?

68. SORRY, MUM.

69. WASHING UP.

70. GO AND SIT DOWN!

71. MUM...

72. MUM, DO YOU KNOW

73. WHY RHODESIA'S CALLED RHODESIA?

74. "GO-EAZI"?

75. HOPELESS...

76. ADHESIVE.

77. WELL, I'M OFF!

78. COMING BACK TONIGHT?

79. 3:00 A. M!

80. I THINK IT'S DISGUSTING

81. YOU A MEMBER OF PARLIAMENT.

82. SNOGGING AWAY.

83. WE WAS NOT SNOGGING!

84. SURE... SOUNDED LIKE SNOGGING TO ME.

85. I COULD HEAR HIS GREAT WET,

86. GOING...

87. DAD!

88. YEAH?

89. NO, NOT YOU.

90. OH.

91. YOUR LANGUAGE.

92. OH, SORRY, MUM.

93. I'VE RUN OUT OF BEANS!

94. WE WAS TALKING!

95. WE WAS NOT SNOGGING!

96. SNOGGING, I'LL BET.

97. IF YOU

98. COUNCIL RE-HOUSING!

99. GOING TO LIVE IN HOLLYWOOD?

100. I'VE RUN OUT OF BEANS!

101. HIS RIGHT HAND...

102. THAT'S ALL HE WAS INTERESTED IN!

103. DEFINITELY SAID YES?

104. OF THE HOUSING SUBCOMMITTEE.

105. SNOGGING SUBCOMMITTEE, MORE LIKE.

106. RALPH, DO ANSWER THAT DOOR, WILL YOU?

107. BEANS!

108. SHUT UP!

109. YES, MUM.

110. IF IT'S THE MAN

111. IT'S IN THE BED.

112. ALL RIGHT.

113. SORRY, MUM.

114. POSTMAAAAN!

115. WELL, A VERY GOOD TRY THERE

116. OF DROITWICH IN WORCESTERSHIRE.

117. PROFESSOR?

118. WELL, I CAN'T

119. ABOUT THIS FAMILY.

120. I DON'T THINK THERE WAS

121. THAT WE REALLY NEED.

122. I MEAN, THE FATHER WAS APPALLING...

123. APPALLING, YES.

124. HE WAS DIRTY, SMELLY

125. VERY MUCH, BUT...

126. LADY ORGANS?

127. WELL, THEY WERE

128. FAMILY, CERTAINLY

129. BUT I DON'T

130. WE'RE LOOKING FOR.

131. WELL, HARSH WORDS THERE

132. THAN 15 ON OUR DISGUSTOMETER.

133. WELL, WITH THE SCORES

134. OF BERKSHIRE.

135. WELL, SOME OF

136. IN BRITAIN, 1974.

137. BUT THE WINNERS,

138. ONCE AGAIN, THE AWFUL JODRELL FAMILY OF DURHAM.

139. UNFORTUNATELY, WE'RE NOT ALLOWED TO SHOW YOU

140. WAS IT NOT, LADY ORGANS?

141. OH, YES, SUPERB.

142. I MEAN, MR. JODRELL...

143. YOU KNOW, THE OLD GRANDFATHER WHO LICKS THE...

144. YES, YES...

145. HE'S SUPERB.

146. AND ACCURATE.

147. HIS SON IS A DIRTY,

148. WHICH MRS. JODRELL...

149. WELL, THANK YOU VERY MUCH, LADY ORGANS

150. AND FROM ALL OF US,

151. AND TO ALL OF YOU,

152. WITHOUT WHOM, OF COURSE

153. WHO MADE IT ALL POSSIBLE WHEN, AND WE'LL BE BACK

154. UNTIL THEN, AND SO IT'S GOOD NIGHT FROM ME

155. AND HERE'S WISHING YOU A SAFE JOURNEY HOME.

156. THIS SHOW.

157. DON'T FORGET IT WAS ALL GREAT FUN, I EN JOYED IT

158. HAVE EN JOYED IT TOO.

159. EVERY BLOODY YEAR.

160. MAKES YOU VOMIT!

161. DAD?

162. YES?

163. OFF THE BREAD.

164. I'M ONLY WIPING THE CAT'S DO'S OFF!

165. MUM?

166. SHUT YOUR GOB, DOUGLAS.

167. CORN PLASTERS!

168. WHAT YOU GOT!

169. SOME FAT BASTARD AT THE DOOR!

170. SHUT UP!

171. APPROXIMATELY 75,000 BEES.

172. 154 TRIPS TO COLLECT

173. OF HONEY.

174. HELLO, SIR.

175. YOU WANT?

176. SOME OF OUR HONEY, SIR?

177. DOING IN HERE?

178. YOU LIKE...

179. THE MEXICAN,

180. HEATHER?

181. HE CAN'T EAT HONEY.

182. GO PLOP-PLOPS!

183. COME ON, PLEASE TRY SOME.

184. ALL RIGHT, I'LL HAVE

185. HONEY.

186. NO, THERE IS NO SUCH THING.

187. YOU MEAN YOU DON'T MAKE ANY HONEY AT ALL?

188. NO, NO, WE MUST IMPORT IT ALL, EVERY BALLY DROP.

189. WE ARE A GLOOMY PEOPLE.

190. IT'S SO CRIKEY COLD

191. AND THERE'S ONLY FISH TO EAT.

192. FISH AND IMPORTED HONEY.

193. OH, STREWTH!

194. WELL, WHY DO YOU HAVE A WEEK?

195. LISTEN, BUSTER!

196. AND IT'S

197. AND THERE'S ONLY GOLLY FISH TO EAT.

198. QUANTITIES.

199. LOOK AT THIS.

200. IT'S ALL A MISTAKE.

201. IT'S A REAL PAIN IN THE SPHINCTER!

202. ICELANDIC HONEY WEEK? MY LIFE!

203. WELL, WHY DO YOU

204. THE STUFF, THEN?

205. LISTEN, COWBOY, I GOT A JOB TO DO.

206. IT'S A STUPID,

207. AWAY FROM ICELAND, ALL RIGHT?

208. THE LEG OF THE WORKER BEE HAS...

209. [Captioning sponsored by THE U.S. DEPARTMENT OF EDUCATION

210. and A&E TELEVISION NETWORKS]

211. WELL, MR. COTTON,

212. A NAUGHTY COMPLAINT.

213. NOW, MY ADVICE TO YOU IS

214. OVER YOUR HEAD...

215. IT'S GOT LITTLE HOLES THERE, YOU SEE

216. FOR YOUR EYES...

217. HOSPITAL, OKAY?

218. BUMP INTO, OKAY?

219. CASH, WASN'T IT?

220. THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

221. GET OUT.

222. DIRTY LITTLE MAN.

223. HIPPOCRATIC OATH, HIPPOCRATIC...

224. OH, IT'S NOT IN THERE.

225. JOLLY GOOD.

226. VERY USEFUL. NEXT!

227. AH, YES, YOU MUST BE MR. WILLIAMS.

228. WELL, DO TAKE A SEAT.

229. THE TROUBLE?

230. I'VE JUST BEEN STABBED BY YOUR NURSE!

231. OH, DEAR, YES, WELL...

232. I'D PROBABLY BETTER HAVE A LOOK AT YOU THEN.

233. THIS FORM FIRST?

234. SHE JUST STABBED ME.

235. YES, SHE'S AN UNPREDICTABLE SORT.

236. LOOK, YOU SEEM TO BE BLEEDING RATHER BADLY.

237. I THINK YOU'D BETTER HURRY UP AND FILL IN THAT FORM.

238. COULDN'T I FILL IT IN LATER, DOCTOR?

239. NO, NO, YOU'LL HAVE BLED TO DEATH BY THEN.

240. CAN YOU HOLD A PEN?

241. I'LL TRY.

242. YES, JOLLY GOOD.

243. IT'S A HELL

244. ALL THIS DAMN PAPERWORK.

245. REALLY, IT IS.

246. IT'S A REAL NIGHTMARE, THIS PAPERWORK.

247. OF A NUISANCE.

248. TO BE DONE ABOUT IT.

249. ALL THE QUESTIONS, DOCTOR?

250. NO, NO, NO, JUST...

251. MANY AS YOU CAN.

252. DETAIL, YOU KNOW.

253. I DON'T KNOW WITH IT ALL, REALLY

254. IT'S SUCH A NUISANCE.

255. WELL, LET'S SEE HOW YOU'VE DONE, THEN.

256. OH, YES.

257. OH, DEAR, OH, DEAR

258. THAT'S NOT VERY GOOD, IS IT?

259. LOOK, SURELY YOU KNEW NUMBER FOUR!

260. NO...

261. IT'S FROM THE MERCHANT OF VENICE.

262. EVEN I KNEW THAT!

263. IT'S GOING ON THE CARPET, DOCTOR.

264. OH, DON'T WORRY ABOUT THAT!

265. LOOK AT THIS... NUMBER SIX...

266. IT'S THE TREATY OF VERSAILLES!

267. DIDN'T YOU KNOW THAT?

268. OH, MY GOD.

269. AND NUMBER NINE... EMERSON FITTIPALDI!

270. VIRGINIA WADE? YOU MUST BE MAD!

271. OH, DOCTOR...

272. I'VE JUST SHOT ANOTHER PATIENT.

273. I DON'T THINK THERE'S ANY POINT IN YOUR SEEING HIM.

274. YOU DIDN'T KILL HIM, DID YOU?

275. AFRAID SO.

276. YOU MUSTN'T KILL THEM, NURSE.

277. OH, I'M SORRY, DOCTOR.

278. OF THE MOMENT.

279. RATHER SILLY, REALLY.

280. I'M SORRY ABOUT THE CARPET, DOCTOR.

281. MR. WILLIAMS, I'M AFRAID I CAN'T

282. SO I WON'T BE ABLE FOR HOSPITAL.

283. I TELL YOU WHAT, I'LL STOP THE BLEEDING

284. I SHOULDN'T

285. ON MARKS LIKE THESE.

286. NOW, DOCTOR.

287. OH, WELL, LET'S GO FOR LUNCH, THEN.

288. WHAT ABOUT... ER...

289. AH, YES, LOOK, MR. WILLIAMS

290. WE'RE JUST POPPING OUT

291. WHILE WE'VE MOMENT, YOU KNOW.

292. LOOK, HAVE ANOTHER

293. LIKE THAT, OKAY?

294. THANK YOU, DOCTOR, THANK YOU.

295. DEAR SIR, I WISH TO PROTEST

296. POSSIBLE TERMS.

297. - BRIGADIER N.F. - MARWOOD-GIT.

298. READ THAT BACK, WILL YOU, BRIAN?

299. "AND WHEN HE HAD

300. "HE SENT HORSEMEN THERE

301. "AND AN HOST OF FOOTMEN TO THE END

302. "THAT ISSUING OUT

303. AS THE KING COMMANDED THEM."

304. GOOD!

305. AND BUNG IT OFF!

306. IT'S NO GOOD BOTTLING THINGS UP, BRIAN.

307. OR YOU'LL JUST GO MAD.

308. OH, YES, INDEED.

309. "YEA, AS THE FLEA

310. "SO IS THE PRIVET HEDGE

311. BLACK IN THY SIGHT, O LORD."

312. QUITE.

313. LOOK, WHY DON'T FOR LUNCH, BRIAN?

314. YEA, AS RAYMOND

315. "IT WAS ONE

316. "WHEN

317. LIKE A ROCK-HARD FIG."

318. BRIAN, LET'S STOP THIS PRETENDING, SHALL WE?

319. YEA, AS

320. IN HIS AUTOBIOGRAPHY...

321. BRIAN!

322. LET'S STOP ALL THIS FUTILE PRETENSE.

323. I'VE...

324. I'VE ALWAYS BEEN MODERATELY FOND OF YOU.

325. WELL, TO BE QUITE FRANK, BRIGADIER

326. ONE CAN'T WALK

327. FOR... FOR SO LONG

328. EVEN IF IT ISN'T ANYTHING...

329. VERY MUCH.

330. WELL, SPLENDID, BRIAN.

331. WELL, I DON'T SUPPOSE

332. THERE'S MUCH WE CAN DO, REALLY.

333. NOT ON TELEVISION, NO.

334. NO.

335. THEY, UH...

336. THAN THEY USED TO BE.

337. AH, YES, BUT NOT WITH THIS SORT OF THING.

338. NO.

339. I SUPPOSE THEY'VE...

340. THE LINE SOMEWHERE.

341. YES.

342. YES.

343. WELL, TAKE A LETTER, BRIAN.

344. DEAR SIR, I WISH TO PROTEST...

345. OOH!

346. HMM?

347. OH.

348. HO-OH!

349. OH, OH.

350. HMM?

351. MMM... MMM?

352. THERE NOW FOLLOWS...

353. HELLO.

354. I'D LIKE TO TALK TO YOU TONIGHT

355. AND WHO, THROUGH NO FAULT

356. OF EXTREME LUXURY.

357. ATTENTION OF THE GENERAL PUBLIC.

358. WELL-OFF PEOPLE.

359. JUST DO NOT BRING.

360. TO COPE WITH THIS PROBLEM?

361. OR THIS?

362. I KNOW IT'S ONLY HUMAN TO SAY

363. "OH, THIS WILL NEVER HAPPEN TO ME"

364. AND OF COURSE, IT WON'T.

365. So I'm asking you, please, please

366. send no contributions, however large, to me.

367. There now follows a party political broadcast...

368. ALL RIGHT, I'LL GO.

369. HELLO, MADAM.

370. OH, HELLO, YOU MUST HAVE COME ABOUT...

371. SENTENCES, YES.

372. OH, WELL, PERHAPS YOU'D LIKE TO...

373. COME THROUGH THIS WAY, CERTAINLY.

374. OH, NICE PLACE YOU'VE GOT HERE.

375. YES, WELL, WE, UH...

376. LIKE IT.

377. YES, WE CERTAINLY...

378. DO, GOOD.

379. NOW, WHEN DID YOU FIRST START...

380. FINDING IT DIFFICULT...

381. TO FINISH SENTENCES, YES.

382. WELL, IT'S NOT ME, IT'S MY...

383. HUSBAND?

384. YES, HE...

385. WHAT YOU'VE STARTED?

386. QUITE, I'M BEGINNING TO FEEL...

387. YOU'LL NEVER FINISH A SENTENCE AGAIN AS LONG AS YOU LIVE?

388. EXACT...

389. - LY... IT MUST BE AWFUL.

390. IT'S DRIVING ME...

391. TO DRINK.

392. NO, ROU...

393. - ND THE BE...

394. - EN...

395. - D.

396. YES.

397. MAY I...

398. TAKE A SEAT.

399. THANK YOU.

400. YOU SEE, OUR METHOD

401. BY RE-CREATING NORMAL...

402. CONDITIONS.

403. YES, THEN WE TRY

404. THAT THEY'RE PEOPLE'S SENTENCES...

405. THEMSELVES.

406. SPOT ON, MRS...

407. SMITH.

408. GOOD, WELL, TRY NOT TO OVERDO IT TO...

409. BEGIN WITH.

410. KEEP IT TO ONE OR TWO...

411. WORDS...

412. TO START OFF WITH, OTHERWISE YOU MAY FIND...

413. I'M TAKING ON TOO LONG

414. AND GETTING COMPLETELY...

415. STUCK.

416. GOOD, YES, WELL, THAT'S ABOUT IT...

417. FOR NOW, SO...

418. MUCH FOR CALLING.

419. OH, NOT AT ALL.

420. AND...

421. I'D JUST LIKE TO SAY...

422. FOR COMING ALONG.

423. NOT AT ALL.

424. AND GOOD...

425. BYE, MR...

426. VERNON.

427. CARL!

428. YES, DEAR?

429. I'VE JUST HAD ANOTHER BABY.

430. OH, NO. HOW MANY IS THAT NOW?

431. UH, 12 SINCE LUNCH.

432. OH! THERE'S ANOTHER ONE.

433. THIS IS STONEHENGE, AND IT'S FROM HERE WE GO TO AFRICA.

434. WELL, HERE IT IS AT LAST, THE GOAL OF OUR QUEST.

435. AFTER SIX MONTHS AND THREE DAYS, WE'VE FINALLY CAUGHT UP

436. WALKING TREE OF DAHOMEY...

437. QUERCUS NICHOLAS PARSONSUS...

438. ON ITS LONG JOURNEY SOUTH.

439. IT'S ALMOST INCREDIBLE, ISN'T IT

440. HAS WALKED OVER 2,000 MILES

441. BEFORE THE 2,000 MILES ON TO CAPE TOWN WHERE IT LIVES.

442. IT'S ALMOST UNIMAGINABLE,

443. STROLLING THROUGH NIGERIA;

444. INTO ZAIRE;

445. ON ITS OWN;

446. AFTERNOON, THEN NIPPING BACK...

447. OH, SUPER.

448. WELL, I'VE JUST BEEN TOLD

449. WALKING TREE OF DAHOMEY.

450. THIS IS ONE OF AFRICA'S

451. ARBORUS BAMBER GASCOIGNUS.

452. IN FACT, WE'VE JUST MISSED THE WALKING TREE.

453. IT LEFT HERE AT 8:00 THIS MORNING.

454. SO WE'LL JUST SEE IF WE CAN GO AND CATCH IT UP.

455. COME ON, BOYS.

456. WELL, WE'RE STILL KEEPING UP

457. BUT IT'S SETTING A FURIOUS PACE.

458. EARLY THIS MORNING, WE THOUGHT WE'D SPOTTED IT

459. AN ANGOLAN SAUNTERING TREE...

460. AMAZELLUS ROBIN RAY...

461. A GAMBIAN SIDLING BUSH.

462. SO, ON WE GO.

463. IT'S GOING TO BE DIFFICULT.

464. SPEEDS OF UP TO 50 MILES AN HOUR

465. ESPECIALLY WHEN IT'S IN A HURRY.

466. SUPER.

467. WELL, RUPERT HAS SPOTTED SOMETHING.

468. THIS COULD BE IT... A WALKING TREE ON THE MOVE.

469. WAS SOMETHING VERY DIFFERENT...

470. THE TURKISH LITTLE RUDE PLANT.

471. TO RAM UP EACH OTHERS'...

472. AH, NO!

473. IN FACT, IT WAS SOMETHING EVEN MORE INTERESTING.

474. YES, THERE IT WAS, OVER THE OTHER SIDE OF THE CLEARING...

475. OF MOZAMBIQUE.

476. NO, WHAT THEY'D COME ACROSS

477. SINCE TIME IMMEMORIAL...

478. OF THE KALAHARI.

479. HAD PASSED THEM BY.

480. AGAINST WARWICKSHIRE.

481. THE KALAHARI BATSMEN FOR 140

482. KALAHARI ATTACK.

483. PRATT WAS THE FIRST TO GO,

484. IN HIS MOST HOSTILE MOOD.

485. THAT'S B. PRATT, HIT WICKET... NAUGHT.

486. BUT PRATT AND Z. PRATT DUG IN

487. BEFORE Z. PRATT RAN AWAY.

488. BUT OUT CAME M.J.K. PRATT TO PLAY A REAL CAPTAIN'S INNINGS.

489. HE'D TAKEN HIS OWN SCORE

490. OF BOWANGA AND WAS L.B.W.

491. TYPICAL OF UMBONGA'S HOSTILE

492. WAS HIS DISMISSAL OF V.E. PRATT

493. TO THIS DELIVERY...

494. AND HE WAS CAUGHT BEHIND.

495. BUT BY LUNCH, THE SITUATION HAD CHANGED DRAMATICALLY.

496. AND SO, WITH

497. TO THE LAST BALL...

498. THAT'S ALL FROM US.

499. GOOD EVENING.

500. OVER £400,000 MILLION

501. THE STOCK EXCHANGE COUGHED.

502. SPORT... CAPITAL PUNISHMENT

503. DIVISION.

504. WILL BE HANGED.

505. FOR THREATENING THE GOALIE.

506. REFEREES' CHAIRMAN

507. "AT LAST, THE REFEREE HAS BEEN GIVEN TEETH."

508. FINALLY, POLITICS... THE LATEST

509. SHOWS LABOR AHEAD WITH 40%, THE A.A. SECOND WITH 38%

510. AND, NOT SURPRISINGLY

511. THE LIBERALS A VERY CLOSE THIRD.

512. AND NOW, BACK TO ME... HELLO.

513. AND NOW IT'S TIME TO GO OVER TO HUGH DELANEY AT PAIGNTON.

514. HELLO, AND WELCOME TO PAIGNTON BECAUSE IT'S FROM PAIGNTON

515. TO THE STUDIO.

516. HELLO, AND IT'S FROM HERE WE GO OVER THERE.

517. WELL, WE'RE ALREADY HERE, SO LET'S GO OVER THERE.

518. WELCOME BACK.

519. AND NOW IT'S TIME

520. IN THE 1930s.

521. THE LIBERAL PARTY.