Monty Python's Flying Circus 4x2

1. YES, THIS LOOKS THE SORT OF THING.

2. MAY I JUST TRY IT?

3. CERTAINLY, MADAM.

4. OH, SORRY, SO SORRY!

5. YES, THAT'S FINE.

6. IS THAT ON ACCOUNT, MADAM?

7. YES.

8. HELLO?

9. HELLO?

10. OH, I'M TERRIBLY SORRY.

11. I THOUGHT YOU WERE SOMEONE ELSE.

12. OH, I SEE, YES.

13. I'M SORRY, SIR.

14. CAN I HELP YOU?

15. YES, YES, AS A MATTER OF FACT, YOU CAN, ACTUALLY.

16. I WAS INTERESTED IN THE POSSIBILITY OF PUR...

17. CAN I ASK YOU WHO YOU THOUGHT I WAS?

18. WHAT?

19. WHO DID YOU THINK I WAS

20. JUST THEN, WHEN YOU THOUGHT I WAS SOMEBODY?

21. OH, IT'S NO ONE YOU'D KNOW, SIR.

22. WELL, I MIGHT KNOW THEM.

23. IT'S POSSIBLE, OBVIOUSLY

24. BUT I THINK IT'S REALLY UNLIKELY.

25. I MEAN, HE'S HARDLY LIKELY TO MOVE IN YOUR CIRCLES, SIR.

26. WHY, IS HE VERY RICH?

27. OH, NO, I DIDN'T MEAN THAT, SIR.

28. IS HE A LORD OR SOMETHING?

29. NOT AT ALL.

30. WHAT IS HIS NAME?

31. WHAT?

32. WHAT IS HIS NAME?

33. WELL, UH...

34. YES?

35. MICHAEL ELLIS.

36. WHO?

37. MICHAEL ELLIS.

38. I SEE.

39. DO YOU KNOW HIM, SIR?

40. UH, MICHAEL ELLIS.

41. MICHAEL ELLIS.

42. YOU DON'T?

43. WELL, I DON'T REMEMBER THE NAME.

44. I THINK YOU WOULD REMEMBER HIM, SIR.

45. WHY DO YOU SAY THAT?

46. WELL, WOULD YOU REMEMBER

47. A MAN SIX FOOT NINE INCHES HIGH

48. 40-ISH, AND HE'S GOT A SCAR FROM HERE TO HERE

49. AND ABSOLUTELY NO NOSE?

50. OH, I THINK I DO REMEMBER SOMEBODY LIKE THAT.

51. WELL, THAT'S NOT MICHAEL ELLIS.

52. RIGHT...

53. HE'S A SMALL MAN ABOUT THIS HIGH

54. WITH A HIGH- PITCHED VOICE.

55. RIGHT, I'M NOT GOING TO BUY AN ANT FROM YOU NOW.

56. OH, NO, PLEASE.

57. YOU'VE NOT BEEN PROPERLY TRAINED.

58. COME ON, PLEASE.

59. I WANT ANOTHER ASSISTANT.

60. ALL RIGHT, I'LL GET ANOTHER ASSISTANT.

61. THANK YOU.

62. HELLO, SIR.

63. CAN I HELP YOU?

64. NO, I WANT A DIFFERENT ASSISTANT.

65. I AM, SIR... I'M MR. ABANAZAR, SIR.

66. DON'T BE SILLY.

67. OH, NO, PLEASE, PLEASE LET ME HELP YOU.

68. NO! I WANT ANOTHER ASSISTANT.

69. OH, NO, COME ON, PLEASE.

70. IF YOU DON'T...

71. I'LL BE VERY GOOD, SIR, REALLY.

72. GOOD MORNING, SIR.

73. HOW ARE YOU, SIR?

74. BIT PARKY OUTSIDE TODAY, ISN'T IT, SIR?

75. A VERY NICE SUIT YOU'VE GOT THERE, SIR.

76. RIGHT, I'M GOING.

77. NO, NO, PLEASE.

78. I'LL GET YOU ANOTHER ASSISTANT.

79. ALL RIGHT.

80. IT'S NOT HIM.

81. I DON'T WANT HIM.

82. OH, PLEASE, GIVE HIM A CHANCE.

83. NO!

84. YES, SIR, CAN I BE OF ANY ASSISTANCE?

85. OH, COME ON, DON'T TRY THAT.

86. TRY WHAT, SIR?

87. YOU KNOW

88. PERFECTLY WELL.

89. YOU WERE DOWN BEHIND THERE WITH A SILLY MASK ON

90. GOING.

91. I DON'T THINK I WAS, SIR.

92. GET THE MANAGER.

93. THERE SEEMS TO HAVE BEEN A MISUNDERSTANDING, SIR.

94. MANAGER!

95. THIS IS THE MANAGER, SIR.

96. WHAT?

97. YES, I'M THE MANAGER.

98. SMASHING STORE, THIS.

99. I CAN'T RECOMMEND IT TOO HIGHLY.

100. WELL LIT, RAT-FREE, IT'S A JOY TO MANAGE.

101. OH, YES, FRESHEST HADDOCK IN LONDON, SECOND FLOOR

102. THIRD FLOOR RIBENA, ANTS HERE

103. BEHIND THERE OUR DINNER WAGON EXHIBITION.

104. MANAGER!

105. QUICK!

106. YES, SIR, CAN I HELP YOU, SIR?

107. YES, I WANT TO COMPLAIN ABOUT THE ASSISTANTS ON THIS COUNTER.

108. I'M SORRY, SIR... WHICH ONES?

109. WELL, THEY'RE HIDING NOW.

110. SIR?

111. THEY'RE HIDING, DOWN THERE BEHIND THE COUNTER.

112. I SEE, SIR.

113. WELL, THERE'S NOBODY DOWN HERE, SIR.

114. THEY MUST HAVE CRAWLED THROUGH HERE

115. AND MADE THEIR ESCAPE THROUGH "SOFT TOYS."

116. YES, OF COURSE.

117. THEY WERE WEARING MASKS AND MAKING SILLY NOISES

118. AND ONE OF THEM PRETENDED TO BE THE MANAGER.

119. OH, YES, I'M THE MANAGER.

120. SMASHING STORE TO MANAGE, THIS.

121. I THINK I'VE GOT IT, SIR.

122. I THINK I'VE GOT IT... IT'S RAG WEEK.

123. RAG WEEK?

124. YES, YOU KNOW, FOR CHARITY, SIR.

125. OH, I SEE, SOME LOCAL COLLEGE OR UNIVERSITY?

126. NO, NO, IT'S THE STORE'S RAG WEEK.

127. THE STORE'S RAG WEEK?

128. YES, THE SENIOR STAFF DON'T JOIN IN MUCH.

129. IT'S FOR THE TRAINEES, REALLY.

130. NOT VERY GOOD FOR BUSINESS, IS IT?

131. OH, IT'S FOR CHARITY, SIR.

132. PEOPLE ARE AWFULLY GOOD ABOUT IT, YOU KNOW.

133. OH, I SEE.

134. RIGHT, SIR, I'LL GET YOU A SENIOR ASSISTANT.

135. ANTS, WAS IT?

136. YES, PLEASE.

137. MR. SNETTERTON?

138. I DON'T WANT HIM!

139. OH, PLEASE, GIVE ME A CHANCE.

140. NO!

141. ALL RIGHT, MR. HARTFORD.

142. YES, GOOD MORNING, SIR, CAN I HELP YOU?

143. YES, PLEASE, I'M INTERESTED IN BUYING AN ANT.

144. AH, YES, AND WHAT PRICE WERE YOU THINKING OF PAYING, SIR?

145. OH, WELL, I HADN'T ACTUALLY GOT AS FAR AS THAT.

146. WELL, SIR, THEY START ABOUT HALF A p

147. BUT THEY CAN GO AS HIGH AS THREE p

148. OR EVEN 3ｽ p FOR A CHAMPION.

149. INFLATION, I'M AFRAID.

150. WELL, I SHOULD THINK ONE ABOUT 1ｽ p, PLEASE.

151. AH, YES, WELL, YOU SHOULD GET

152. A VERY SERVICEABLE LITTLE ANIMAL FOR THAT, SIR.

153. QUITE FRANKLY, THE HALF-p ONES

154. ARE A BIT ON THE MANGY SIDE.

155. WHAT LENGTH WAS SIR THINKING OF?

156. OH, MEDIUM?

157. MEDIUM, MEDIUM, MEDIUM, MEDIUM...

158. YES, HERE WE ARE.

159. NOW, THAT ONE THERE IS AN AYRSHIRE

160. AND THAT ONE THERE IS A KING GEORGE BITCH, I THINK.

161. AND THAT ONE KILLING THE LITTLE FLITBAT IS AN AFGHAN.

162. THAT'S A NICE ONE.

163. LET'S SEE HOW YOU GET ON WITH HIM, EH?

164. AH, YES, HE LIKES YOU.

165. HE'S TAKEN TO YOU.

166. WHAT DO YOU FEED THEM ON?

167. UH, BLANCMANGE.

168. BLANCMANGE?

169. I'M SORRY.

170. I DON'T KNOW WHY I SAID THAT.

171. NO, YOU DON'T FEED THEM AT ALL.

172. WELL, WHAT DO THEY LIVE ON?

173. THEY DON'T... THEY DIE.

174. THEY DIE?

175. WELL, OF COURSE THEY DO

176. IF YOU DON'T FEED THEM.

177. I DON'T UNDERSTAND.

178. YOU LET THEM DIE, THEN YOU BUY ANOTHER ONE.

179. IT'S MUCH CHEAPER THAN FEEDING THEM

180. AND THAT WAY, YOU HAVE A CONSTANT VARIETY

181. OF LITTLE COMPANIONS.

182. THAT'S THE ADVANTAGE OF OWNING AN ANT.

183. RIGHT, WELL, I'LL TAKE THIS ONE.

184. OH, DEAR, I'VE DROPPED IT.

185. NEVER MIND, HERE'S ANOTHER ONE.

186. IS THERE ANYTHING ELSE I'LL NEED?

187. YES, SIR, YOU'LL NEED AN ANT HOUSE.

188. THIS IS THE MODEL WE RECOMMEND, SIR.

189. WON'T IT GET OUT OF THERE?

190. YES.

191. WHAT'S THE POINT OF HAVING THE CAGE?

192. WELL, NONE AT ALL, REALLY.

193. AND THEN SOME LITTLE PIECES OF CAGE FURNITURE

194. WHICH WILL KEEP HIM ENTERTAINED.

195. THERE'S AN ANT WHEEL, AND A LITTLE ANT SWING

196. AND HERE'S A VERY NICE ONE HERE, A LITTLE LADDER.

197. HE CAN RUN UP THERE AND RING THE BELL.

198. THAT'S A TRICK HE CAN LEARN.

199. WILL HE LIVE LONG ENOUGH?

200. NOT REALLY, NO, BUT IT'S BEST TO HAVE ONE.

201. AND HERE'S A TWO-WAY RADIO HE CAN PLAY WITH

202. AND THEN OF COURSE, YOU'LL NEED THE BOOK.

203. THE BOOK?

204. YES, YES, THE BOOK ON ANTS.

205. I SEE.

206. SO, SIR, THAT IS, IF I MAY SAY SO, ｣1841ｽ p, SIR.

207. WILL YOU TAKE A CHECK?

208. YES, SIR, IF YOU DON'T MIND LEAVING A BLOOD SAMPLE

209. AND A PIECE OF SKIN OFF THE BACK OF THE SCALP JUST HERE, SIR.

210. SORRY, JUST FOR IDENTIFICATION.

211. CAN'T BE TOO CAREFUL.

212. WELL, I THINK I'LL PUT IT ON ACCOUNT.

213. I SHOULD, SIR.

214. MUCH LESS PAINFUL.

215. THERE WE ARE.

216. ANYWAY, SIR, YOU KNOW WHAT THEY SAY ABOUT AN ANT...

217. A FRIEND FOR LIFE, EH?

218. WELL, A FRIEND FOR ITS LIFE, ANYWAY.

219. NOW, THEN, HERE WE ARE.

220. HIS NAME IS MARCUS.

221. RIGHT, IF THE LITTLE CHAP SHOULD GO

222. TO AN EARLY GRAVE, SIR, GIVE US A RING

223. AND WE'LL STICK A FEW IN AN ENVELOPE, ALL RIGHT?

224. THANKS VERY MUCH INDEED.

225. NOT AT ALL, THANK YOU, MR. ELLIS.

226. WHAT DID YOU SAY?

227. "THANK YOU, MR. ELLIS."

228. IT'S NOT HIM.

229. WHY DID YOU SAY "MR. ELLIS"?

230. WHO?

231. NO, HE DIDN'T SAY THAT.

232. I HEARD HIM SAY, "THANK YOU, MR. ELLIS."

233. AH, NO, NO.

234. HE SAID, "I'M JEALOUS."

235. WHAT?

236. I'M JEALOUS OF YOUR ANT.

237. GOOD-BYE.

238. BYE-BYE!

239. I DON'T CARE WHO MICHAEL ELLIS IS.

240. PAPISM WILL BE STAMPED OUT

241. WITH THE IRON BOOT OF PUNISHMENT AND ENLIGHTENMENT.

242. EXCUSE ME, I WAS IN THE ANT COUNTER AND...

243. PAPISM WILL BE STAMPED OUT

244. WITH THE IRON BOOT OF PUNISHMENT AND ENLIGHTENMENT.

245. THE LORD HIMSELF WHO SAID

246. STAMP OUT THE PAPIST SWINE.

247. Will Mr. Michael Ellis please go

248. straight to the manager's office.

249. I'll repeat that... will Mr. Nigel Mellish

250. please go straight to the manager's office.

251. WHAT YOU GOT NOW?

252. I BOUGHT AN ANT, MOTHER.

253. WHAT DO YOU WANT ONE OF THEM FOR?

254. I'M NOT GOING TO CLEAN IT OUT.

255. YOU SAID YOU'D CLEAN THE TIGER OUT, BUT DO YOU? NO.

256. SUPPOSE YOU'VE LOST INTEREST IN IT NOW.

257. NOW IT'LL BE ANT-ANT-ANT FOR A COUPLE OF DAYS

258. THEN ALL OF A SUDDEN

259. "OH, MUM, I'VE BOUGHT A SLOTH"

260. OR SOME OTHER ODD-TOED UNGULATE LIKE A TAPIR.

261. NO, IT'S REALLY DIFFERENT THIS TIME, MUM.

262. I'M REALLY GOING TO LOOK AFTER THIS ANT.

263. THAT'S WHAT YOU SAID ABOUT THE SPERM WHALE.

264. NOW YOUR PAPA'S HAVING TO USE IT AS A GARAGE.

265. WELL, YOU DIDN'T FEED IT PROPERLY.

266. WHERE ARE WE GOING TO GET

267. 44 TONS OF PLANKTON FROM EVERY MORNING?

268. YOUR PAPA WAS DEAD VEXED ABOUT THAT.

269. THEY THOUGHT HE WAS MAD IN THE DELI.

270. WELL, AT LEAST HE'S GOT A FREE GARAGE.

271. THAT'S NO GOOD TO HIM.

272. HIS HILLMAN SMELLS ALL FISHY.

273. OH, BLIMEY, THAT'S THE TIGER.

274. HE WANTS HIS MANDIES.

275. ARE YOU GIVING THAT TIGER DRUGS?

276. 'COURSE I'M GIVING IT DRUGS.

277. IT'S ILLEGAL.

278. YOU TRY TELLING THAT TO THE TIGER.

279. WELL, I THINK IT'S DANGEROUS.

280. LISTEN, BEFORE HE STARTED FIXING

281. HE USED TO GET THROUGH FOUR JEHOVAH WITNESSES A DAY.

282. AND HE USED TO EAT ALL OF THEM, EXCEPT THE PAMPHLETS.

283. WELL, HE'S NOT DIM.

284. ALL RIGHT!

285. I'M GOING TO WATCH TV.

286. COME ON, MARCUS.

287. MICHAEL'S BEEN ON THE PHONE

288. ALL DAY FOR YOU.

289. MICHAEL?

290. YEAH, YOU KNOW, MICHAEL... MICHAEL!

291. MICHAEL ELLIS.

292. YEAH, HE'S BEEN ON THE PHONE ALL DAY.

293. HE CAME ROUND TWICE.

294. WHAT DOES HE LOOK LIKE?

295. OH, I DIDN'T SEE HIM.

296. THE ORANGE-RUMPED AGOUTI ANSWERED THE DOOR.

297. ONLY USEFUL ANIMAL YOU EVER BOUGHT, THAT.

298. WHERE IS HE NOW?

299. HE'S UPSTAIRS FORGING PRESCRIPTIONS

300. FOR THE SODDING TIGER.

301. NO, NO, WHERE IS MICHAEL ELLIS NOW?

302. OH, I DON'T KNOW.

303. HE SAID IT WASN'T IMPORTANT, ANYWAY.

304. ALL RIGHT, HERE I COME.

305. UM...

306. Hello, and welcome

307. to The University of the Air.

308. And first this afternoon

309. part 17 of our series

310. on animal communications.

311. This afternoon, we look at recent discoveries

312. in the field of intraspecific signaling codes

313. in the family formicidae.

314. OOH, THAT'S A STROKE OF LUCK, MARCUS.

315. TURN THAT BLOODY THING OFF!

316. We interrupt this program

317. to bring you the latest news

318. of the extraordinary Michael Ellis saga.

319. Apparently Michael Ellis...

320. HEY, I WAS WATCHING THAT!

321. BLOODY THING.

322. IT'S UPSETTING THE TIGER.

323. OH, CHRIST.

324. ND OF THE ANNOUNCEMENT.

325. AND NOW BACK TO UNIVERSITY OF THE AIR

326. AND OUR SERIES FOR ADVANCED MEDICAL STUDENTS

327. ELEMENTS OF SURGICAL HOMEOPATHIC PRACTICE.

328. PART 68, "ANTS."

329. AH! WE'RE IN LUCK AGAIN, MARCUS.

330. Hello, formicidophiles.

331. Well, before all the blood and guts you're waiting to see

332. let's have a look at the anatomy of the little ant.

333. The body of the ant is divided into three sections...

334. the head, the thorax and the abdomen.

335. They are enclosed in a hard armorlike covering

336. called the exoskeleton

337. which provides some protection from other nasty little insects

338. but, unfortunately, not from the dissector's scalpel.

339. See, nothing to it.

340. He's not such a toughie.

341. And his legs...

342. they help him carry hundreds of times his own weight

343. but look at this.

344. You're not so strong compared with me.

345. Four, five, six... Ha!

346. I DIDN'T KNOW ANTS HAD SIX LEGS, MARCUS.

347. I assure you, they do, Mr. Ellis.

348. HEY, YOU'VE GOT TWO LEGS MISSING.

349. AND THAT'S A FALSE FEELER, MARCUS.

350. BLIMEY!

351. I'M TAKING THIS ANT BACK, MOTHER.

352. IT'S GOT TWO LEGS MISSING.

353. MRS. McWONG'S BEEN ON THE PHONE.

354. THE POLAR BEAR'S BEEN IN HER GARDEN AGAIN.

355. WELL, I'LL GET IT ON THE WAY BACK FROM THE STORE.

356. WELL, MIND YOU DO.

357. HIS DROPPINGS ARE ENORMOUS.

358. OH, AND BY THE WAY, WHILE YOU'RE OUT

359. GET US ANOTHER COUPLE OF TELLIES, WOULD YOU?

360. HERE'S 180 QUID.

361. SECOND FLOOR.

362. STATIONERY, LEATHER GOODS, NASAL IN JURIES

363. CRICKET BATS, FILM STARS, DOLPHINARIUMS.

364. THIRD FLOOR.

365. COSMETICS, BOOKS, IRISH MASSAGE

366. TRIBAL HEADGEAR, ANTS

367. BUT NOT COMPLAINTS ABOUT ANTS.

368. OH, WHERE DO I GO TO COMPLAIN?

369. STRAIGHT ON, THEN LEFT, THEN RIGHT PAST THE THING

370. THEN UP THE LITTLE STAIRS

371. THEN RIGHT PAST THE BIT WHERE IT'S GONE ALL SOFT

372. THEN DOWN THE WOBBLY BIT, LEFT PAST THE NAIL

373. PAST THE BROWN STAIN ON THE WALL TO YOUR RIGHT

374. AND IT'S THE DOOR MARKED "EXIT"

375. STRAIGHT AHEAD OF YOU ON THE LEFT.

376. THANK YOU.

377. FOURTH FLOOR.

378. KIDDIES' VASECTOMIES...

379. I DON'T WANT YOU.

380. OH, SOMETHING WRONG WITH YOUR LITTLE ANT FRIEND?

381. NO, I'M NOT GOING TO TELL YOU.

382. OH, SOMETHING MISSING IN THE LEG DEPARTMENT?

383. NO.

384. YES, SIR, CAN I HELP YOU, SIR?

385. NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.

386. IT'S ALL RIGHT, SIR.

387. IT'S FOR THE SACK RACE LATER ON, SIR.

388. NO, NO, NO, I WANT TO SPEAK TO THE GENERAL MANAGER.

389. I WANT TO COMPLAIN.

390. OH, YOU WANT THE TOUPEE HALL, IN THAT CASE, SIR.

391. THE WHAT?

392. THE TOUPEE HALL, MR. ELLIS.

393. EXCUSE ME, COULD YOU TELL ME

394. THE WAY TO THE TOUPEE HALL, PLEASE?

395. SORRY?

396. THE TOUPEE HALL.

397. THE WHAT?

398. THE TOUPEE HALL.

399. OH, THE TOUPEE HALL.

400. GLADYS, WHERE ARE TOUPEES NOW?

401. TOUPEES?

402. MM, THIS GENTLEMAN WANTS ONE.

403. A TOUPEE?

404. MM.

405. WELL, NO, ACTUALLY...

406. OH, I THINK THEY'RE IN SURGICAL APPLIANCES NOW.

407. OH, THAT'S RIGHT.

408. YES, YOU GO LEFT AT ARTIFICIAL LIMBS AND HEARING AIDS

409. RIGHT AT DENTURES

410. AND IT'S ON YOUR LEFT JUST BY GLASS EYES.

411. IT DOESN'T SAY TOUPEES TO AVOID EMBARRASSING PEOPLE

412. BUT YOU CAN SMELL THEM.

413. THANK YOU.

414. YOU CAN SEE THE JOIN.

415. YES, YOU CAN.

416. GOOD AFTERNOON, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.

417. IT'S SO NICE TO SEE SUCH A LARGE TURNOUT THIS AFTERNOON.

418. AND I'D LIKE TO START OFF

419. BY WELCOMING OUR GUEST SPEAKERS FOR THIS AFTERNOON

420. MR. WADSWORTH...

421. WORDSWORTH.

422. SORRY, WORDSWORTH.

423. MR. JOHN KOOTS

424. AND PERCY BYSSHE.

425. SHELLEY.

426. JUST A LITTLE ONE, MEDIUM DRY.

427. AND ALFRED LORDE.

428. TENNYSON.

429. TENNISBALL.

430. SON.

431. SORRY, ALFRED LORD

432. WHO IS EVIDENTLY LORD TENNISBALL'S SON.

433. AND TO START OFF

434. I'M GOING TO ASK MR. WADSWROTH TO RECITE HIS LATEST OFFERING

435. A LITTLE PRAM ENTITLED "I WANDERED LONELY AS A CRAB"

436. AND IT'S ALL ABOUT ANTS.

437. I WANDERED LONELY AS A CLOUD...

438. OH!

439. THAT FLOATS ON HIGH

440. O'ER VALES AND HILLS

441. WHEN ALL AT ONCE, I SAW A CROWD

442. A HOST OF GOLDEN WORKER ANTS.

443. THANK YOU, THANK YOU, MR. BRADLAUGH.

444. NOW, MR. BYSSHE...

445. SHELLEY.

446. OH!

447. IS GOING TO READ ONE OF HIS LATEST PSALMS

448. ENTITLED "ODE TO A CRAB."

449. WELL, IT'S NOT ABOUT CRABS, ACTUALLY.

450. IT'S CALLED "OZYMANDIAS."

451. IT'S NOT AN ODE.

452. I MET A TRAVELER IN AN ANTIQUE LAND

453. WHO SAID "SIX VAST AND TRUNKLESS LEGS OF STONE

454. "STAND IN THE DESERT.

455. "AND ON THE PEDESTAL, THESE WORDS APPEAR...

456. "'MY NAME IS OZYMANDIAS, KING OF ANTS.

457. "'LOOK ON MY FEELERS, TERMITES

458. "'AND DESPAIR

459. "'I AM THE BIGGEST ANT YOU'LL EVER SEE.

460. "'THE ANTS OF OLD WEREN'T HALF AS BOLD

461. AND BIG AND FIERCE AS ME.'"

462. THANK YOU.

463. THANK YOU, MR. AMONTILLADO.

464. I'D LIKE TO ASK ONE OR TWO OF YOU AT THE BACK

465. NOT TO SOIL THE CARPET.

466. THERE IS A RESTROOM UPSTAIRS IF YOU FIND THE POEMS TOO EXCITING.

467. GOOD AFTERNOON.

468. NEXT, MR. DENNIS KEAT WILL RECITE HIS LATEST PROBLEM

469. "ODE TO A GLASS OF SHERRY."

470. MY HEART ACHES

471. AND A DROWSY NUMBNESS PAINS MY SENSES

472. AS THOUGH AN ANTEATER I'D SEEN...

473. A NASTY LONG-NOSED BRUTE...

474. WITH FURRY LEGS AND STICKY DARTING TONGUE.

475. I SEEM TO FEEL ITS CRUEL JAWS

476. CRUNCH! CRUNCH! THERE GO MY LEGS

477. SNAP! SNAP! MY THORAX, TOO.

478. MY HEAD'S IN A TWAIN, THERE GOES MY BRAIN

479. SWALLOW, SWALLOW...

480. IT'S TRUE, DON'T YOU SEE?

481. IT'S TRUE.

482. IT HAPPENS, IT HAPPENS.

483. PLEASE.

484. LADIES AND GENTLEMEN

485. I DO APOLOGIZE FOR THAT LAST...

486. WELL, I HESITATE TO CALL IT A PRAM.

487. BUT I HAD NO IDEA.

488. AND TALKING OF FILTH

489. I HAVE ASKED YOU ONCE ABOUT THE CARPET.

490. NOW, I DO APPRECIATE

491. THAT LAST POEM WAS VERY FRIGHTENING, BUT PLEASE...

492. NOW, BEFORE WE MOVE ON TO TEA AND PRAMWICHES

493. I WOULD LIKE TO ASK ARTHUR LORD TENNISCOURT

494. TO GIVE US HIS LATEST LITTLE PLUM

495. ENTITLED "THE CHARGE OF THE ANT BRIGADE."

496. HALF AN INCH...

497. HALF AN INCH...

498. THE QUEEN, THE QUEEN.

499. MY LOYAL SUBJECTS, WE ARE HERE TODAY

500. ON A MATTER OF NATIONAL IMPORT.

501. MY LATE HUSBAND AND WE ARE INCREASINGLY DISTURBED

502. BY RECENT DEVELOPMENTS IN LITERARY STYLE

503. VICH HAVE TAKEN PLACE HERE IN GERMANY... ER, ENGLAND.

504. THERE SEEMS TO BE AN INCREASING TENDENCY FOR ZE ENT...

505. THE ENT... THE ANT

506. TO BECOME THE DOMINANT...

507. WAS IS DER DEUTSCHES ENTWICKLUNGSBUND...

508. THEME.

509. THEME OF MODERN POETRY HERE IN GERMANY.

510. WE ARE NOT... AMUSIERT?

511. ENTERTAINED.

512. ENTERTAINED.

513. FROM NOW ON, ANTS IS VERBOTEN.

514. INSTEAD, IT'S SKYLARKS, DAFFODILS, NIGHTINGALES

515. LIGHT BRIGADES AND...

516. WAS IST DAS SHCRECKLICHE GEPONG?

517. ES SCHMECKE WIE EIN SCHEISSHAUS

518. UND SO WEITER.

519. WELL, WE MUST AWAY NOW

520. OR WE SHALL BE LATE FOR THE RACES.

521. GOD BLESS YOU, ALLES.

522. PSST.

523. ELECTRIC KETTLES OVER HERE, SIR.

524. DON'T WORRY, SIR.

525. YOU'RE AMONGST FRIENDS NOW, SIR.

526. MR. BRADFORD, MR. CRAWLEY.

527. THESE ARE OUR FITTERS, SIR.

528. WE'VE HAD A LOT OF EXPERIENCE IN THIS FIELD

529. AND WE DO PRIDE OURSELVES

530. WE OFFER THE BEST AND MOST DISCREET SERVICE AVAILABLE.

531. I DON'T KNOW

532. WHETHER YOU BELIEVE THIS, SIR

533. BUT ONE OF US IS ACTUALLY WEARING

534. A TOUPEE AT THIS MOMENT.

535. WELL, YOU ALL ARE, AREN'T YOU?

536. HAVE YOU GOT ONE?

537. NO, I THOUGHT YOU...

538. I DIDN'T KNOW YOU TWO...

539. I THOUGHT IT WAS ME. I THOUGHT IT WAS ME.

540. SO DID I.

541. THAT IS GOOD.

542. ACTUALLY, I ONLY CAME IN HERE

543. TO ASK WHERE THE MANAGER'S OFFICE WAS.

544. JUST A MINUTE.

545. SOMEONE TOLD YOU WE ALL HAD TOUPEES?

546. NO.

547. OH, YEAH?

548. HOW DID YOU KNOW?

549. WELL, IT'S PRETTY OBVIOUS, ISN'T IT?

550. WHAT DO YOU MEAN, OBVIOUS?

551. HIS IS UNDETECTABLE.

552. WELL, IT'S A DIFFERENT COLOR, FOR A START.

553. IS IT?

554. OF COURSE, IT ISN'T.

555. IT DOESN'T FIT IN WITH THE REST OF HIS HAIR.

556. IT SORT OF STICKS UP IN THE MIDDLE.

557. WELL, IT'S BETTER THAN YOURS.

558. YES.

559. I'M NOT WEARING ONE.

560. WHY DID YOU COME IN HERE THEN?

561. THEY TOLD ME TO FIND THE MANAGER'S OFFICE HERE.

562. OH, NO, NOT AGAIN.

563. THAT'S A BIT LAME, ISN'T IT?

564. IT'S THE TRUTH.

565. MANAGER'S OFFICE?

566. WHERE'D YOU GET THAT, EH?

567. MAC FISHERIES?

568. DREADFUL, ISN'T IT?

569. NYLON?

570. IT'S NOT, IT'S REAL, LOOK.

571. YEAH, ANYONE CAN DO THAT.

572. COME ON, GET IT OFF.

573. LOOK, DO YOU WANT A PROPER ONE?

574. NO, I DON'T NEED ONE.

575. THERE'S NO NEED TO BE ASHAMED.

576. LOOK, WE'VE ALL OWNED UP.

577. I'M NOT WEARING ONE.

578. DON'T YOU SEE, THIS IS SOMETHING

579. YOU'VE GOT TO COME TO TERMS WITH.

580. I AM NOT WEARING A TOUPEE.

581. THEY JUST TOLD ME TO COME IN HERE

582. TO FIND THE MANAGER'S OFFICE TO COMPLAIN ABOUT MY ANT.

583. COMPLAIN ABOUT AN ANT?

584. LOOK, THIS IS FOR YOUR OWN GOOD.

585. ALL RIGHT, TAKE A SEAT.

586. YOU SEE, IT OUGHT TO HAVE A SAFETY CATCH.

587. I MEAN...

588. OOH!

589. I MEAN, WHAT IF THIS FELL INTO THE WRONG HANDS?

590. YES, MADAM, I'LL SPEAK

591. TO THE MAKERS PERSONALLY, ALL RIGHT?

592. OH, WOULD YOU?

593. IT WOULD PUT MY MIND AT EASE.

594. SORRY, OH, SORRY.

595. NEXT.

596. HE'S STILL MOLESTING HER.

597. YES, YES, I'LL SEE YOU IN A MOMENT, SIR.

598. I'VE GOT A COMPLAINT TO MAKE.

599. AH, TAKE A SEAT.

600. I'M SORRY IT'S ON FIRE.

601. OH, NOT AT ALL.

602. I GOT USED TO THIS OUT EAST.

603. AH, WHERE WERE YOU OUT EAST?

604. OH, NORWAY, SWEDEN, PLACES LIKE THAT.

605. OH, I'M TERRIBLY SORRY.

606. MY SUIT SEEMS TO BE CATCHING FIRE.

607. EXTINGUISHER?

608. OH, NO, THANK YOU.

609. I THINK WE'D BETTER LET IT RUN ITS COURSE.

610. I WAS JUST THINKING

611. NORWAY IS NOT VERY EAST, IS IT?

612. NO, I SHOULD HAVE SAID, "WHEN I WAS OUT NORTH."

613. YES, ARE THERE MANY FIRES IN NORWAY?

614. OH, GOOD LORD, YES.

615. THE PLACE IS A CONSTANT BLAZE.

616. WOODEN BUILDINGS, YOU KNOW.

617. OH, YES.

618. I LOST MY WIFE IN NORWAY.

619. OH, I'M SORRY TO HEAR THAT.

620. WHY, DID YOU KNOW HER?

621. NO, NO, I DON'T...

622. NO, SHE WASN'T A FAVORITE OF MINE.

623. NO, WE WERE OUT STROLLING ACROSS A FJORD ONE DAY

624. WHEN ONE OF THE LOCAL MATADORS CAME OUT OF HIS TREE HOUSE

625. AND FLUNG A LOAD OF OLD SCIMITARS AND GUILLOTINES OUT

626. THAT HE'D GOT CLUTTERING UP HIS WINE CELLAR

627. AND APPARENTLY, RATHER A LARGE PROPORTION OF THEM

628. LANDED ON MY WIFE

629. CAUSING HER TO SNUFF IT WITHOUT MUCH MORE ADO.

630. YES, YES.

631. WELL, LOOK...

632. Here is an important announcement

633. about Michael Ellis.

634. It is now the end of "Michael Ellis" week.

635. From now on, it is "Chris Quinn" week.

636. WHAT A ROTTEN ENDING.

637. WELL, IT IS ONE OF OUR CHEAPEST, SIR.

638. WHAT ELSE HAVE YOU GOT?

639. WELL, THERE'S THE LONG, SLOW PULLOUT, SIR

640. YOU KNOW, THE CAMERA TRACKS BACK AND BACK AND MIXES...

641. NO, NO, NO.

642. HAVE YOU GOT ANYTHING MORE EXCITING?

643. WELL, HOW ABOUT A CHASE?

644. THERE HE IS!

645. OH, NO, NO.

646. WALKING INTO THE SUNSET?

647. WHAT'S THAT ONE?

648. YOU KNOW, TWO LONE FIGURES SILHOUETTED

649. AGAINST THE DYING RAYS OF THE SETTING SUN.

650. THE MUSIC SWELLS

651. AND YOU'VE GOT A LUMP IN YOUR THROAT

652. AND A TEAR IN YOUR EYE.

653. OH, NO.

654. PITY, I RATHER LIKE THAT ONE.

655. NO, THEY'RE ALL A BIT OFF THE POINT, YOU SEE.

656. WELL, THERE IS ONE

657. THAT TIES UP THE WHOLE MICHAEL ELLIS THING, BUT...

658. BUT WHAT?

659. OH, NO, NOTHING, NOTHING.

660. LOOK, WHO IS THIS MICHAEL ELLIS?

661. HOW ABOUT A HAPPY ENDING, SIR?

662. CHRIS, THANK GOD YOU'RE SAFE.

663. NO, YOU WOULDN'T WANT THAT, WOULD YOU?

664. WHY WOULDN'T I WANT THAT?

665. WHAT ABOUT SUMMING UP FROM THE PANEL?

666. THAT'S CHEAP.

667. WHAT?

668. YOU KNOW, THE BIG MATCH EXPERTS.

669. YES, THAT WAS QUITE A GOOD SHOW, YOU KNOW.

670. I THINK THAT THE MICHAEL ELLIS CHARACTER

671. WAS A LITTLE OVERDONE.

672. WELL, I DON'T AGREE WITH THAT, MALCOLM.

673. QUITE FRANKLY, THE ONLY BIT I LIKED WAS

674. THIS BIT WITH ME IN IT NOW.

675. NO? SLOW FADE?

676. NNN... NO.

677. WELL, HOW ABOUT A SUDDEN ENDING?