Monty Python's Flying Circus 3x9

1. This is Captain MacPherson welcoming you aboard East Scottish Airways.

2. You'll have had your tea.

3. Our destination is Glasgow.

4. There is no need to panic.

5. There's a bomb

6. on board this plane,

7. and I'll tell you where it is

8. for a thousand pounds.

9. I don't believe you.

10. If you don't tell me

11. where the bomb is...

12. If I don't

13. give you the money...

14. Unless you give me the bomb...

15. The money.

16. Thank you, pretty lady.

17. The bomb will explode,

18. killing everybody.

19. Including you.

20. I'll tell you where it is for a pound.

21. All right.

22. Here's a pound.

23. Uh, I don't want

24. Scottish money.

25. They've got the numbers.

26. They can be traced.

27. One English pound.

28. Now, where's the bomb?

29. I can't remember.

30. You've forgotten?

31. Aye, you'd better have

32. your pound back.

33. Oh, fingerprints.

34. Now,

35. where's the bomb?

36. Uh, wait a tic,

37. wait a tic.

38. Uh, my first is in Glasgow,

39. but not in Spain,

40. my second is in steamer,

41. but not in train,

42. my whole is in the luggage

43. compartment on the plane.

44. I'll tell you where

45. it is for a pound.

46. It's in

47. the luggage compartment.

48. Right.

49. Here's your pound.

50. Is this character

51. giving you any trouble?

52. He's just ruined this sketch.

53. Absolutely.

54. Right, let's go on

55. to the next one.

56. Uh, no. Wait a tic,

57. wait a tic.

58. I won't ruin your sketch

59. for a pound. ALL: No, no.

60. Seventy-five p.

61. Next item.

62. I see my role in it as, um...

63. Oh, how can I put it?

64. Uh, the nude man.

65. As sort of symbolizing

66. the two separate strands of existence.

67. The essential nudity

68. of man.

69. The... Oh, um...

70. It's a very interesting question.

71. Personally, I rather adhere

72. to the Bergsonian idea

73. of laughter

74. as a social sanction

75. against inflexible

76. behavior but...

77. Excuse me a moment.

78. And now...

79. It's...

80. Monty Python's Flying Circuses.

81. Well, we'll be continuing

82. with Monty Python's Flying Circus in just a moment.

83. Yes, yes, we're...

84. We're going back to the show

85. in just one moment from

86. now!

87. This new housing development in Bristol

88. is one of the most interesting

89. in the country.

90. It's using a variety

91. of new techniques:

92. shockproof curtain-walling,

93. a central high-voltage,

94. self-generated

95. electricity source,

96. and extruded acrylic

97. fiberglass fitments.

98. It's also the first major

99. housing project in Britain

100. to be built entirely

101. by characters

102. from 19th-century.

103. English literature.

104. Here Little Nell, from Dickens' Old Curiosity Shop

105. fits new nylon siphons into

106. the asbestos-lined ceiling.

107. But it's the electrical system

108. which has attracted the most attention.

109. Arthur Huntingdon, who Helen.

110. Graham married as a young girl,

111. and whose shameless conduct

112. eventually drove her back to her brother Lawrence

113. in Anne Bronte's.

114. The Tenant of Wildfell Hall,

115. describes why it's unique.

116. Because, sir,

117. it is self-generating.

118. Because we have harnessed here,

119. in this box,

120. the very forces

121. of life itself.

122. The very forces

123. that will send Helen

124. running back

125. to beg forgiveness.

126. The on-site building techniques

127. involve the construction

128. of 12-foot walling blocks

129. by a crowd of farmhands

130. from Tess of the d'Urbervilles,

131. supervised by

132. the genial landlady, Mrs. Jupp,

133. from Samuel Butler's.

134. Way of All Flesh.

135. In contrast

136. to the site in Bristol, there's progress here

137. on Britain's first

138. 18-level motorway interchange,

139. being built by characters

140. from Milton's.

141. Paradise Lost.

142. What went wrong here?

143. Well, nobody really got on.

144. Satan didn't get on

145. with Eve, uh...

146. Archangel Gabriel

147. didn't get on with Satan.

148. Nobody got on with

149. the Serpent.

150. So now they have to work

151. a rota.

152. Forces of good from 10 till 3,

153. forces of evil 3 till 6.

154. But even more modern building

155. techniques are being used

156. on an expanding new town site

157. near Peterborough.

158. Here, the Amazing Mystico

159. and Janet

160. can put up a block of flats

161. by hypnosis in under a minute.

162. The local council here have over 50 hypnosis-induced

163. 25-story blocks put up

164. by El Mystico and Janet.

165. I asked Mr. Ken Verybigliar

166. the advantages of hypnosis

167. compared to other

168. building methods.

169. Oh, there is a considerable

170. financial advantage

171. in using the services

172. of El Mystico.

173. A block like.

174. Mystico Point here

175. would normally cost

176. in a region

177. of one and a half

178. million pounds.

179. Uh, this was put up for

180. 5 pounds and 30 bob for Janet.

181. But the obvious question is:

182. Are they safe?

183. Of course they're safe.

184. There's absolutely no doubt about that.

185. They are as strong,

186. solid and as safe

187. as any other building method

188. in this country.

189. Provided, of course,

190. people believe in them.

191. Yes, uh, we received a note

192. from the council,

193. uh, saying that if we

194. ceased to believe

195. in this building,

196. it would fall down.

197. You don't mind living

198. in a figment

199. of another man's

200. imagination?

201. No, it's much better

202. than where we used to live.

203. Where did you use to live?

204. We had an 18-room villa

205. overlooking Nice.

206. Really?

207. That sounds much better.

208. Oh, yeah. You're right.

209. Oh, no, no, no. Of course not.

210. Phew.

211. That was close.

212. But the construction of these

213. vast new housing developments,

214. providing homes

215. for many thousands of people,

216. is not the only project

217. to which he has applied his many talents.

218. He also has

219. an infallible pools method,

220. a school of Spanish dancing,

221. and a car-hire service.

222. What is the driving force

223. behind a man

224. of such restless energies

225. and boundless vision?

226. Here, as with so many

227. great men of history,

228. the answer lies in a woman.

229. As Antony has his Cleopatra,

230. as Napoleon has

231. his Josephine,

232. so Mystico has his Janet.

233. Yes, Janet.

234. A quiet, shy girl.

235. An honors graduate

236. from Harvard University,

237. American junior

238. sprint record holder,

239. ex-world skating champion,

240. Nobel Prize winner,

241. architect, novelist

242. and surgeon.

243. The girl who helped crack the.

244. Oppenheimer spy ring in 1947.

245. She gave vital evidence

246. to the Senate Narcotics Commission in 1958.

247. She also helped to convict the

248. woman at the chemist's in 1961,

249. and a year later,

250. she gave police information

251. which led to the arrest

252. of her postman.

253. In October of that same year,

254. she secured the conviction

255. of her gardener for bigamy,

256. and three months later,

257. personally led the police swoop

258. on the couple next door.

259. In 1967, she became

260. suspicious of the man at the garage

261. and it was

262. her dogged perseverance

263. and relentless enquiries

264. that two years later

265. finally secured his conviction

266. for not having a license

267. for his car radio.

268. He was hanged

269. at Leeds a year later,

270. despite the abolition

271. of capital punishment

272. and the public outcry.

273. Also in Leeds that year,

274. a local butcher was hanged

275. for defaulting

276. on mortgage repayments.

277. And a Mr. Jarvis

278. was electrocuted

279. for shouting in the corridor.

280. We admit there have been

281. outbreaks of hanging recently,

282. but the police are trying

283. to keep the situation under control.

284. Uh, you must remember

285. the courts are very busy at the moment,

286. and the odd death sentence

287. is bound to slip through.

288. Um, electrocutions are another big worry.

289. Uh, but, uh, we hope

290. that guillotining has been

291. eradicated, uh,

292. from the urban areas.

293. And garroting is confined almost entirely to Luton.

294. So if you have, um...

295. If you have a friend in prison

296. or under sentence of death,

297. be sure to let us know

298. at this address:

299. And Premier.

300. Zhou Enlai, who called it a "major breakthrough".

301. Twelve men were accidentally

302. hanged at Whitby Assizes this afternoon

303. whilst considering

304. their verdict.

305. This is one of the worst

306. miscarriages of justice in Britain since Tuesday.

307. Well, it's 13 minutes to the hour of 9-9-9

308. here on wonderful Radio 1-1-1.

309. So, ha, ha, if

310. you're still lying in your...

311. Your big, big bed,

312. now is the time to get up out of it!

313. We've got another

314. 13 hours of tip-top sounds here on wonderful Radio 1.

315. Sorry about that.

316. So unless you have brain cells,

317. or have completed

318. the process of evolution,

319. there's a wonderful day...

320. It must be

321. on Radio 4.

322. Radio 2.

323. Radio 3.

324. Radio 4.

325. It's 9 o'clock

326. and time for Mortuary Hour.

327. An hour of talks,

328. tunes and downright tomfoolery

329. for all those

330. who work in mortuaries.

331. Introduced as usual

332. by Shirley Bassey.

333. Well, we're going to kick straight off this week

334. with our Mortuary Quiz,

335. so have your pens

336. and pencils ready.

337. Turn that radio off

338. and look lively!

339. Oh, but it's Mortuary Hour,

340. Mr. Wang.

341. Don't argue, Battersby.

342. This is our mortuary

343. in here, Your Grace.

344. I see, I see, yes.

345. I, uh...

346. I-I, uh... I, uh...

347. I, uh...

348. I... I-I, uh...

349. I, uh...

350. I... I, uh...

351. I-I-I... I can't think of anything to say about it.

352. Well, we're very proud

353. of it here, sir.

354. It's one of the most

355. up-to-date in the country.

356. I see, yes, yes, yes.

357. Uh, now, um...

358. Uh, what, uh...?

359. Oh, uh...

360. What, uh...?

361. Uh...

362. Uh, wh-what?

363. Uh... What?

364. What, uh...? What is it?

365. Is it a power station?

366. No, Your Grace, it's a mortuary.

367. I see, I see.

368. Good, good, good, good, good.

369. Well... Well, it has

370. one of the most advanced

371. thermostat control systems

372. in the country.

373. And it has computer-controlled

374. storage facilities.

375. I see, I see.

376. I, um...

377. I, uh...

378. I...

379. Uh...

380. Well...

381. I, uh...

382. I-I, uh...

383. I

384. I'm a good little doggie.

385. I'm sorry,

386. Your Grace?

387. I'm a good little dog.

388. Oh, dear.

389. Perhaps we should

390. postpone the visit?

391. No, no, no, no.

392. You see, it's just that

393. his brain is so tiny

394. that the slightest movement

395. can dislodge it.

396. Your Grace?

397. Oh, dear.

398. It's rather like

399. one of those games you play

400. where you have to get

401. the ball into the hole.

402. Ah. Oh, excellent, excellent,

403. excellent, excellent, excellent.

404. Now, then. Oh...

405. Uh, um...

406. What...? What happens when the

407. steel is poured into the ingots?

408. Uh, perhaps we should go and

409. have a look at the new showers?

410. Yes, yes, yes.

411. Rather, yes, yes, yes.

412. Jolly good, jolly good,

413. jolly good, jolly good.

414. No fear. Yes, yes, yes.

415. Well played. Jolly good chop.

416. Well, the answers were as follows:

417. Number one, the left hand.

418. Two, no. Three, normal.

419. Four, yes, it has.

420. In 1963, when a bird

421. got caught in the mechanism.

422. Turn that thing off.

423. But it's Mortuary Dance Time,

424. Mr. Wang.

425. Never mind that, Battersby.

426. This is the big one.

427. I've just had Whitby Police

428. on the phone with 12 hangees.

429. Yeah, we heard about that

430. on the radios.

431. No, these are 12 different

432. ones, so shtoom.

433. Uh, I'll not interrupt this sketch for a pound.

434. What?

435. Eh, for one pound,

436. I'll leave this sketch

437. totally uninterrupted.

438. Uh, 50p.

439. What?

440. I'm prepared

441. to negotiate a 40-p deal.

442. For 35p I won't interrupt

443. any of the next three items.

444. No, it's no good. No.

445. Twenty-five p.

446. Ten p and a kiss.

447. You see, it's very

448. simple. I just take these cutout figures,

449. and by putting them together...

450. What?

451. Oh, you mean we're on?

452. Oh!

453. Sorry.

454. Hm?

455. Wait, Nigel.

456. I've got this strange feeling

457. we're being watched.

458. Oh, my God, Bruce. It's the police. Run for it.

459. Oh, lunch break.

460. Meanwhile, 55 years later, back in London...

461. Hello, good afternoon,

462. and welcome to the second leg

463. of the Olympic final

464. of the men's hide-and-seek,

465. here in the heart

466. of Britain's London.

467. Uh, we'll be starting in just

468. a couple of moments from now.

469. And there you can see

470. the two competitors.

471. Francisco Huron,

472. the Paraguayan,

473. who in this leg

474. is the seeker,

475. and there's the man

476. he'll be looking for,

477. our own Don Roberts

478. from Hinckley

479. in Leicestershire,

480. who, his trainer tells me,

481. is at the height

482. of his self-secreting form.

483. Now, in the first leg,

484. which ended on Wednesday,

485. Don succeeded

486. in finding the Paraguayan

487. in the new world-record time

488. of 11 years, two months,

489. 26 days, nine hours,

490. three minutes, 27.4 seconds

491. in a sweet shop in Kilmarnock.

492. And now they're

493. under starter's orders.

494. On your marks

495. get set...

496. Well, Don's off to a really great start there.

497. Remember, the Paraguayan

498. has got 11 years, two months,

499. 26 days, 9 hours, three minutes,

500. 27.4 seconds to beat.

501. Coming!

502. Well, we'll be taking you back there

503. as soon as there are

504. any developments.

505. Well, we've just heard that something is happening

506. in the hide-and-seek final,

507. so let's go

508. straight over there.

509. Hello, again, and welcome to Madagascar,

510. where Francisco Huron

511. is seeking Don Roberts.

512. And I've just been told

513. that he's been

514. unofficially described

515. as cold.

516. Uh, wait a minute.

517. I've just been told that Huron has requested

518. a plane ticket to Budapest,

519. so he's definitely

520. getting warmer.

521. So we'll be back again

522. in just a few years.

523. Really beginning

524. to hot up now.

525. Here we are on the very last day

526. of this fantastic final.

527. Huron now has

528. less than 12 hours left

529. to find British ace

530. Don Roberts.

531. Earlier this morning,

532. he finished combing the outskirts of Lisbon,

533. and now he seems to have

534. staked everything on one final

535. desperate seek here

536. in the Tagus Valley.

537. But Roberts

538. is over 1500 miles away,

539. and it's beginning

540. to look all over, bar the shouting.

541. The sands of time are running

542. out for this delving dago,

543. this señor of seek,

544. this perspicacious

545. Paraguayan.

546. He's still

547. desperately cold,

548. and it's beginning to look like

549. another gold for Britain.

550. Found him. Here he is.

551. All right.

552. The official result of the World Hide-and-Seek.

553. Mr. Don Roberts from Hinckley,

554. Leicestershire.

555. Eleven years, two months,

556. 26 days, nine hours,

557. three minutes, 27 seconds.

558. Mr. Francisco Huron,

559. Paraguay.

560. Eleven years,

561. two months, 26 days,

562. nine hours,

563. three minutes, 27 seconds.

564. The result: A tie.

565. A tie! What a fantastic result.

566. Well, the replay will start

567. tomorrow at 7:30 a.m.

568. Well, hello again. Nice to be back.

569. Glad to see the show

570. has been going well.

571. Well, now, uh,

572. sorry about Mon-trerx.

573. That was a little item

574. entitled "Hide-and-Seek."

575. Very anarchic, very effective,

576. not quite my cup of tea,

577. but, uh, very nice

578. for the younger people.

579. Well, the next item

580. the boys have put together

581. takes place in a,

582. uh, sitting room.

583. Sorry it's just

584. a sitting room,

585. but, uh, the bank account's

586. a bit low

587. after the appallingly expensive

588. production of Clochmerle...

589. This is a totally free interruption,

590. and no money has

591. changed hands whatever.

592. Sorry about that, darling.

593. Gravy? Yes, please, dear.

594. Oh, dear.

595. That'll be the Cheap-Laughs

596. from next door.

597. Come in.

598. No, just breathing

599. heavily!

600. Oh, we just

601. dropped in.

602. Would you like to come through?

603. Oh, yes.

604. Well, good night and give us a kiss.

605. Mwah, mwah.

606. Well, thank you very much

607. for a very nice evening.

608. After you, dear.

609. Right-o.

610. Oh.

611. Oh, honestly, dear,

612. why do we always have to buy everything

613. just because

614. the Cheap-Laughs have one?

615. This is not an interruption at all.

616. It's just neighborliness,

617. dear, that's all.

618. Well, I think we should try and

619. lead our own lives from now on.

620. Can't you be serious

621. for just one moment?

622. Honey, I'm sorry I was cross earlier.

623. Oh, that's all right, dear.

624. It's just that I get so sick

625. of always having to be like the Cheap-Laughs.

626. Yes, well, from now on,

627. we'll be like ourselves.

628. Oh, Roger.

629. Oh, Beatrice.

630. Many people in this country are becoming increasingly worried about bullfighting.

631. They say it's not only cruel,

632. vicious and immoral,

633. but also blatantly unfair.

634. The bull is heavy, violent,

635. abusive and aggressive,

636. with four legs

637. and great sharp teeth,

638. whereas the bullfighter is

639. only a small, greasy Spaniard.

640. Given this basic inequality,

641. what can be done

642. to make bullfighting safer?

643. We asked Brigadier

644. Arthur Farquar-Smith,

645. chairman of the British.

646. "Well Basically" Club.

647. Well, basically

648. it's quite apparent

649. that these miniscule dago

650. chappies have got it all wrong.

651. They prance round the bull,

652. like a lot of bally

653. nightclub dancers,

654. looking like

655. the younger generation

656. or a less smooth version

657. of the Lionel Blair Troupe,

658. with much of

659. the staccato rhythms of the Irving Davies Dancers

660. at the height

661. of their success.

662. In recent years, Pan's People

663. have often recaptured...

664. And what we must do now is to use devices like radar to locate the bull,

665. and sound missiles

666. fired from underground silos to knock the bull over.

667. Then I would send in

668. Scottish boys with air cover

669. to provide a diversion

670. for the bull,

671. whilst the navy came in round

672. the back and finished him off.

673. That, to me,

674. would be bullfighting,

675. and not this pansy kind of

676. lyrical evocative movement

677. which George Balanchine and

678. Martha Graham in the States,

679. and our very own.

680. Sadler's Wells...

681. Troops could also be used

682. in an auxiliary role in international chess...

683. What?

684. I'll put the lights on again for a pound.

685. I'm sorry about

686. this interruption,

687. but we'll soon put things

688. right with just a simple little push of a button.

689. Oh, ow.

690. Oh. Oh, dear. That's okay.

691. No, no, please.

692. Oh. No, no, no.

693. Oh. Oh, dear.

694. Ow. Oh.

695. What?!

696. I'm very sorry, but I don't know why I've been included in this cartoon.

697. That's a bloody lie.

698. It's quite obvious

699. what's going on here.

700. This whole thing is loaded

701. with political significance.

702. I was right.

703. This is the planet Algon.

704. Fifth world

705. in the system of Aldebaran.

706. The red giant in the

707. constellation of Sagittarius.

708. Here, an ordinary

709. cup of drinking chocolate

710. costs four million pounds.

711. An immersion heater

712. for the hot-water tank

713. costs over six billion pounds,

714. and a pair

715. of split-crotch panties

716. would be almost unobtainable.

717. A simple rear-window

718. demisting device for an 1100

719. costs 8000 million

720. billion pounds.

721. And a new element for an

722. electric kettle like this,

723. would cost as much as the

724. entire gross national product

725. of the United States

726. of America,

727. from 1770 to the year 2000,

728. and even then they wouldn't

729. be able to afford

730. the small fixing ring,

731. which attaches it

732. to the kettle.

733. Our computers have been working all day to try and analyze

734. the dramatic information that's

735. coming in from this first-ever

736. intergalactic probe, Algon I.

737. And we're just getting an

738. interesting development now,

739. which is that attachments

740. for rotary mowers,

741. that is mowers that have

742. a central circular blade,

743. are relatively inexpensive.

744. Still in the region

745. of 9 to 10 million pounds,

746. but it does seem to indicate

747. that Algon might be a very good planet

748. for those with larger gardens.

749. Perhaps even an orchard

750. that's been left for two years,

751. needs some heavy work,

752. some weeding.

753. Uh, but we're now getting

754. some live pictures through from Algon.

755. Harry, perhaps you could

756. talk us through them.

757. Very little evidence of shopping facilities here.

758. There don't seem to be

759. any large supermarkets.

760. Uh, there may be some

761. on-the-corner grocery stores behind those rocks,

762. but it's difficult to tell

763. from this angle.

764. It does seem to suggest

765. that most of the shopping here is by direct mail.

766. Well, of course the big question

767. that everyone's asking here

768. is what about

769. those split-crotch panties?

770. Are they going to be

771. unobtainable throughout the universe,

772. or merely on Algon itself?

773. Professor.

774. We must remember that Algon

775. is over 75,000 miles wide.

776. The probes come down

777. in this area here,

778. and we're really only getting

779. signals from a radius

780. of 30 or 40 miles

781. around the probe.

782. Uh, split-crotch panties,

783. or, indeed, any items

784. of what we scientists call

785. sexy underwear

786. or erotic lingerie

787. may be much more plentiful

788. on other parts of the planet.

789. Professor, you were

790. responsible for finding scanty-panties

791. and Golden Goddess.

792. High-Lift Bras

793. on planets which weren't

794. thought able to sustain life.

795. And now that man has

796. discovered a new galaxy,

797. do you think we're going to see

798. underwear become even naughtier?

799. Oh, naughtier

800. and naughtier.

801. Well, so much for that.

802. But of course,

803. the probe itself

804. has excited

805. a great deal of interest,

806. for it contains uranium-based

807. dual-transmission cells

808. entirely recharged

809. by solar radiation,

810. which can take off

811. a bra and panties

812. in less than 15 seconds.

813. It is, of course, the first

814. piece of space hardware

815. to be specially designed

816. to undress ladies,

817. and so there are bound to be

818. some teething troubles,

819. such as how to cope

820. with the combination

821. of elastic-sided

822. boots and tights.

823. But I think we're getting

824. some pictures now

825. from Algon itself.

826. And it looks as though... Yes!

827. The satellite

828. has found a bird.

829. The probe has struck crumpet,

830. and she looks pretty good too. Professor?

831. Yeah, she's a real honey.

832. The pictures are a bit sporadic.

833. I think probably

834. the solar radiation

835. during the long journey

836. to Algon...

837. She's fantastic.

838. Oh, dear, I'm sorry,

839. we've lost contact.

840. We'll try and re-established

841. contact with Algon...

842. Uh, hello.

843. Uh, the BBC have offered me

844. the sum of 40p,

845. uh, to read the credits

846. of this show.

847. Personally, I thought

848. I should have held out for the full 75,

849. but the BBC have explained to me

850. about their financial difficulties,

851. and, uh, I decided to accept

852. the reduced offer.

853. So, uh, the show was conceived,

854. written and performed

855. by, uh, the usual lot.

856. Uh, also appearing

857. were Carol Cleveland,

858. uh, Marie Anderson,

859. uh, Mrs. Idle.

860. Uh, makeup, Madelaine Gaffney.

861. Costumes, Hazel Pethig.

862. Animations by Terry Gilliam.

863. Uh, visual effects designer,

864. Bernard Wilkie.

865. Graphics, Bob Blagden.

866. Film cameraman,

867. Alan Featherstone.

868. Film editor, Ray Millichope.

869. Sound, Richard Chubb.

870. Uh, lighting, Bill Bailey.

871. Designer, Bob Berk.

872. Produced by Ian MacNaughton

873. for 92p and a bottle

874. of Bell's whiskey.

875. It was a BBC color production.

876. Uh, and I think that's

877. just it.

878. I'd like to say,

879. if there are any, uh,

880. BBC producers looking in, uh,

881. who need, uh, people to read

882. the credits for them, I...