1. IN THE MODERN BRITAIN,
UNITED UNDER A GREAT LEADER
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2. IT'S THE HOUSEWIVES OF BRITAIN
WHO ARE GETTING THINGS MOVING.
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3. HERE, A COACH LOAD OF
LOVELY LADIES ARE ON THEIR WAY
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4. TO SPEED UP PRODUCTION
IN A CAR FACTORY.
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5. AND HERE WE ARE, BOYS,
IT'S THE NO-HURRY BRIGADE
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6. HANGING AROUND
FOR ENDLESS OVERTIME.
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7. AND JUST WATCH THESE GALLANT
GIRLS GO INTO ACTION.
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8. NOT WORKING FAST ENOUGH?
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9. WELL, THERE'S
AN ANSWER FOR THAT.
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10. YES, THIS IS CERTAINLY
THE WAY TO SPEED UP PRODUCTION.
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11. THIS IS THE RECIPE FOR
INCREASED PRODUCTIVITY
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12. TO MEET THE THREAT
OF THOSE NASTY FOREIGNERS
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13. WHEN BRITAIN TAKES
HER NATURAL PLACE
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14. AT THE HEAD
OF THE BRITISH COMMON MARKET.
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15. AND HOW'S THIS FOR A WAY
TO BEAT STRIKERS?
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16. THOSE SPOTTY CONTINENTAL BOYS
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17. WILL SOON HAVE TO LOOK OUT
FOR MRS. BRITAIN.
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18. AND TALKING OF WINDMILLS
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19. THESE GIRLS AREN'T AFRAID TO
TILT AT THE PERMISSIVE SOCIETY.
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20. BUSINESS IS BOOMING
IN THE SO-CALLED ARTS
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21. BUT TWO CAN PLAY
AT THAT GAME, CHUM.
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22. AND IT'S NOT JUST THE MODERN
SO-CALLED PLASTIC ARTS
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23. THAT GET THE CLEAN-UP TREATMENT.
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24. DESDEMONA...
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25. COME ON, DEARS!
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26. AND THOSE CONTINENTALS
HAD BETTER WATCH OUT
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27. FOR THEIR DIRTY
FOREIGN LITERATURE.
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28. JEAN-PAUL SARTRE AND JEAN GENET
WON'T KNOW WHAT'S HIT THEM.
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29. NEVER MIND THE FOULNESS
OF THEIR LANGUAGE...
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30. COME '73, THEY'LL ALL
HAVE TO WRITE IN BRITISH.
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31. YOU CAN KEEP YOUR FASTIDIOUS
CONTINENTAL BIDETS, MRS. FOREIGNER...
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32. MRS. BRITAIN KNOWS
HOW TO KEEP HER FEET CLEAN.
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33. BUT SHE'LL BATTLE
LIKE BINGO, BOYS
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34. WHEN IT COMES TO KEEPING
THE TV SCREEN CLEAN.
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35. BETTER WATCH OUT FOR
THOSE NASTY CONTINENTAL SHOWS
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36. ON THE SNEAKY SECOND CHANNEL.
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37. BUT APART FROM ATTACKING
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38. THAT PRURIENT HOTBED
OF LEFT-WING CONTINENTALISM
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39. AT SHEPHERDS BUSH
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40. WHAT ELSE DO THESE
ORDINARY MUMS THINK?
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41. DO THEY ACCEPT HEGELIANISM?
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42. NO!
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43. DO THEY PREFER
LEIBNITZ TO WITTGENSTEIN?
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44. NO! NO!
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45. AND WHERE DO
THEY STAND ON YOUNG PEOPLE?
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46. JUST HERE, DEAR.
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47. THEIR POWER IS GROWING DAILY
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48. AND WHEN THESE GIRLS
ROLL THEIR SLEEVES UP
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49. IT'S ARMS ALL THE WAY.
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50. YES, THIS IS THE WAY TO FIGHT
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51. THE CONSTANT WAR
AGAINST PORNOGRAPHY.
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52. AND NOW...
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53. IT'S...
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54. MONTY PYTHON'S FLYING CIRCUS.
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55. DOCTOR!
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56. DOCTOR!
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57. DOCTOR!
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58. DOCTOR!
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59. DOCTOR!
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60. DOCTOR!
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61. DOCTOR!
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62. DOCTOR!
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63. DOCTOR!
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64. WHERE IS THE DOCTOR?
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65. HELLO!
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66. ARE YOU THE BRAIN SPECIALIST?
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67. HELLO!
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68. ARE YOU THE BRAIN SPECIALIST?
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69. NO!
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70. NO, I AM NOT
THE BRAIN SPECIALIST.
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71. NO, NO, I AM NOT!
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72. YES! YES, I AM!
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73. MY BRAIN HURTS!
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74. WELL, LET'S TAKE A LOOK
AT IT, MR. GUMBY.
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75. NO, NO, NO...
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76. MY BRAIN IN MY HEAD.
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77. OH!
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78. IT'LL HAVE TO COME OUT.
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79. OUT... OF MY HEAD?
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80. YES! ALL THE BITS OF IT.
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81. NURSE!
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82. NURSE!
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83. NURSE!
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84. NURSE!
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85. NURSE, TAKE MR. GUMBY
TO A... BRAIN SURGEON.
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86. YES, DOCTOR.
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87. WHERE'S THE LANCET?
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88. HE'S BRILLIANT, YOU KNOW.
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89. WHERE'S THE BLOODY LANCET?
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90. MY BRAIN HURTS, TOO.
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91. GLOVES...
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92. GLASSES...
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93. MOUSTACHE...
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94. HANDKERCHIEF...
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95. I'M GOING TO OPERATE!
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96. OPERATE, OPERATE...
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97. GET BITS
OF BRAIN!
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98. GET BITS OF BRAIN!
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99. HELLO!
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100. OH!
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101. OH!
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102. WE FORGOT
THE ANESTHETIC!
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103. ANESTHETIC!
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104. ANESTHETIC!
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105. ANESTHETIC!
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106. ANESTHETIC!
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107. I'VE COME TO
ANESTHETIZE YOU!
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108. GOOD EVENING.
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109. TONIGHT I'D LIKE TO TALK TO YOU
ABOUT... OH, UH...
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110. EXCUSE ME, THIS IS ALL WRONG.
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111. ONE MOMENT.
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112. HELLO, AGAIN.
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113. AS I WAS SAYING...
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114. AH, OH, WAIT, THIS IS
STILL NOT QUITE RIGHT.
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115. SORRY.
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116. NO, NO, SORRY, NO, NOT RIGHT.
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117. AH, THIS IS BETTER.
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118. NOW, TONIGHT I WANT TO LOOK
AT THE MEANING OF LIFE...
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119. OH! OW! OH! OH!
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120. NO, NO, NO...
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121. NO, NO, PLEASE!
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122. HMM, AH, WELL...
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123. THIS'LL DO NICELY.
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124. GOOD EVENING.
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125. TONIGHT I'D LIKE TO TALK TO YOU
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126. ABOUT THE MEANING OF LIFE
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127. IN THE CONTEXT OF...
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128. The 9:00 news,
which was to have followed
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129. has been canceled tonight
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130. so we can bring you
the quarterfinals
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131. of the All-Essex
Badminton Championship.
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132. Your commentator as usual
is Edna O'Brien.
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133. Hullo, fans.
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134. Begorra, an' to be sure
there's some fine badminton
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135. down there in Essex
this afternoon.
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136. We really...
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137. HMM.
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138. GEORGE?
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139. YES, GLADYS?
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140. THERE'S A MAN HERE
WITH A MOUSTACHE.
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141. I ALREADY GOT ONE.
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142. ALL RIGHT, ALL
RIGHT, ALL RIGHT
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143. WHAT'S HE WANT,
THEN?
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144. HE SAYS, DO WE WANT
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145. A DOCUMENTARY
ON MOLLUSKS?
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146. MOLLUSKS?
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147. YES!
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148. WHAT'S HE MEAN,
"MOLLUSKS"?
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149. MOLLUSKS!
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150. GASTROPODS, LAMELLIBRANCHS,
CEPHALOPODS!
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151. OH, MOLLUSKS.
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152. I THOUGHT
YOU SAID "BACON."
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153. ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT,
ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.
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154. WHAT'S HE
CHARGE, THEN?
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155. IT'S FREE.
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156. OH! WHERE DOES HE
WANT US TO SIT?
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157. HE SAYS YES!
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158. GOOD EVENING.
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159. TONIGHT, MOLLUSKS.
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160. THE MOLLUSK IS A SOFT-BODIED,
UNSEGMENTED INVERTEBRATE ANIMAL
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161. USUALLY PROTECTED
BY A LARGE SHELL.
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162. ONE OF THE MOST NUMEROUS
GROUPS OF INVERTEBRATES
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163. IT IS EXCEEDED
IN NUMBER OF SPECIES
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164. ONLY BY THE ARTHROPODS, VIZ...
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165. NOT VERY
INTERESTING, IS IT?
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166. WHAT?
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167. I WAS TALKING TO HIM.
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168. OH.
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169. ANYWAY, THE TYPICAL MOLLUSK,
VIZ A SNAIL...
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170. CONSISTS OF A PROMINENT
MUSCULAR PORTION...
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171. THE HEAD-FOOT...
A VISCERAL MASS AND A SHELL
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172. WHICH IS SECRETED BY
THE FREE EDGE OF THE MANTLE.
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173. DREADFUL, ISN'T IT?
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174. WHAT?
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175. I WAS TALKING TO HIM!
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176. OH... WELL, ANYWAY...
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177. IN SOME MOLLUSKS, HOWEVER,
VIZ, SLUGS
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178. THE SHELL IS ABSENT
OR RUDIMENTARY.
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179. SWITCH HIM OFF.
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180. WHEREAS IN OTHERS,
VIZ CEPHALOPODS
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181. THE HEAD-FOOT
IS GREATLY MODIFIED
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182. AND FORMS TENTACLES,
VIZ THE SQUID.
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183. WHAT ARE
YOU DOING?
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184. SWITCHING YOU OFF.
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185. DON'T YOU
LIKE IT?
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186. OH, IT'S DREADFUL.
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187. EMBARRASSING.
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188. IS IT?
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189. YES, IT'S PERFECTLY AWFUL.
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190. DISGRACEFUL!
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191. I DON'T KNOW HOW THEY GOT
THE NERVE TO PUT IT ON.
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192. IT'S SO BORING.
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193. WELL, IT'S NOT MUCH
OF A SUBJECT, IS IT?
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194. BE FAIR.
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195. WHAT DO YOU THINK,
GEORGE?
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196. GIVE HIM ANOTHER 20 SECONDS.
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197. ALL RIGHT.
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198. ANYWAY, THE MAJORITY OF MOLLUSKS
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199. ARE INCLUDED
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200. THE GASTROPODS,
THE LAMELLIBRANCHS
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201. AND THE CEPHALOPODS.
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202. WE KNOW THAT!
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203. HOWEVER, WHAT IS
MORE INTERESTING
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204. IS THE, UH...
MOLLUSK'S, UH...
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205. SEX LIFE.
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206. OH!
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207. YES, THE MOLLUSK IS A
RANDY LITTLE FELLOW
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208. WHOSE PRIMITIVE BRAIN
SCARCELY STRAYS
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209. FROM THE SUBJECT
OF YOU-KNOW-WHAT.
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210. DISGUSTING!
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211. OUGHT NOT
TO BE ALLOWED.
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212. THE RANDIEST OF THE GASTROPODS
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213. IS THE LIMPET.
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214. THIS HOT-BLOODED LITTLE BEAST
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215. WITH ITS TENTLIKE SHELL
IS ALWAYS ON THE JOB.
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216. ITS EXTRAMARITAL
ACTIVITIES
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217. ARE SOMETHING STARTLING.
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218. FRANKLY, I DON'T KNOW
HOW THE FEMALE LIMPET
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219. FINDS THE TIME
TO ADHERE TO THE ROCK FACE.
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220. HOW AM I DOING?
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221. DISGUSTING.
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222. BUT MORE INTERESTING.
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223. OH, YES.
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224. ANOTHER LOOSE-LIVING GASTROPOD
IS THE PERIWINKLE.
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225. THIS SHAMELESS LITTLE LIBERTINE
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226. WITH ITS CHARACTERISTIC
VENTRAL LOCOMOTION...
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227. IS NOT THE MARRYING KIND...
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228. "ANYWHERE, ANYTIME"
IS ITS MOTTO.
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229. UP WITH THE SHELL
AND THEY'RE AT IT.
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230. WHAT ABOUT THE LAMELLIBRANCHS?
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231. I'M COMING TO THEM.
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232. THE GREAT SCALLOP...
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233. THIS TATTY, SCROFULOUS
OLD RAPIST
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234. IS SECOND IN DEPRAVITY
ONLY TO THE COMMON CLAM.
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235. THIS LATTER IS A RIGHT WHORE!
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236. A HARLOT,
A TROLLOP
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237. A CYNICAL, BED-HOPPING,
FIRM-BREASTED
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238. RABELAISIAN
BIT OF SEAFOOD
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239. THAT MAKES FANNY HILL
LOOK LIKE A DEAD POPE.
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240. AND FINALLY AMONG THE
LAMELLIBRANCH BIVALVES
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241. THAT MOST DEPRAVED OF THE WHOLE
SUBSPECIES, THE WHELK.
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242. THE WHELK IS NOTHING BUT
A HOMOSEXUAL OF THE WORST KIND.
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243. THIS GAY BOY
OF THE GASTROPODS
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244. THIS QUEER CRUSTACEAN,
THIS MINCING MOLLUSK
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245. THIS SCREAMING, PRANCING,
LIMP-WRISTED QUEEN OF THE DEEP
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246. MAKES ME SICK.
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247. HAVE YOU GOT ONE?
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248. HERE!
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249. LET'S KILL IT.
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250. DISGUSTING!
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251. THERE,
THAT'LL TEACH IT.
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252. WELL, THANK YOU FOR
A VERY INTERESTING PROGRAM.
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253. OH, NOT AT ALL,
THANK YOU.
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254. YES, THAT WAS
VERY NICE.
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255. THANK YOU.
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256. OH, THANK YOU.
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257. AND GOOD NIGHT.
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258. AND NOW A WORD
FROM THE MAN IN THE...
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259. STREET.
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260. ANYWAY...
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261. OOO...
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262. COOCHY, COOCHY, COOCHY...
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263. DEAR LITTLE FELLOW.
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264. LOOK AT THE TWINKLE IN HIS EYE.
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265. OH, HE'S A LITTLE DEAR,
ISN'T HE?
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266. YOU SHOULDN'T LET HIM
SUCK ON A DUMMY, MY DEAR.
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267. OH, MY GOD... NO!
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268. DON'T TOUCH IT!
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269. THE MINISTER FOR NOT
LISTENING TO PEOPLE
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270. TOURED BATLEY TODAY
TO INVESTIGATE ALLEGATIONS
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271. OF VICTIMIZATION IN HOME-LOAN
IMPROVEMENT GRANTS
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272. MADE LAST WEEK
BY THE SHADOW-MINISTER
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273. FOR JUDGING PEOPLE
AT FIRST SIGHT
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274. TO BE MARGINALLY WORSE
THAN THEY ACTUALLY ARE.
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275. AT THE HOME OFFICE, THE MINISTER
FOR INSERTING HIMSELF
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276. IN BETWEEN CHAIRS AND WALLS
IN MEN'S CLUBS
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277. WAS AT HIS DESK
AFTER A SHORT ILLNESS.
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278. HE SPENT THE MORNING
DEALING WITH THE IRISH SITUATION
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279. AND LATER IN THE DAY
HAD LONG DISCUSSIONS
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280. WITH THE MINISTER FOR RUNNING
UPSTAIRS TWO AT A TIME
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281. FLINGING THE DOOR OPEN
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282. AND SAYING, "HA, HA,
CAUGHT YOU, MILDRED."
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283. IN THE COMMONS THERE WAS
ANOTHER DAY OF HEATED DEBATE
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284. ON THE THIRD READING
OF THE TRADE PRACTICES BILL.
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285. MR. ROLAND PENROSE
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286. THE UNDERSECRETARY FOR
MAKING DEEP GROWLING NOISES...
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287. LAUNCHED A BITTER
PERSONAL ATTACK
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288. ON THE EX-MINISTER FOR DELVING
DEEP INTO A BLACK SATIN BAG
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289. AND PRODUCING A TUBE
OF EUTHYMOL TOOTHPASTE.
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290. LATER IN THE DEBATE
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291. THE JUNIOR MINISTER
FOR BEING FRIGHTENED
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292. BY ANY KIND OF FARM MACHINERY
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293. CHALLENGED
THE UNDERSECRETARY OF STATE
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294. FOR HIDING FROM TERENCE RATTIGAN
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295. TO PRODUCE THE CURRENT YEAR'S
TRADING FIGURES
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296. AS SUPPLIED BY THE DEPARTMENT
OF STEALING PACKETS OF BANDAGES
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297. FROM THE SELF-SERVICE COUNTER
AT TIMOTHY WHITES
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298. AND SELLING THEM AGAIN
AT A CONSIDERABLE PROFIT.
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299. PARLIAMENT ROSE AT 11:30
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300. AND, CRAWLING ALONG A DARK
PASSAGEWAY INTO THE OLD RECTORY
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301. BROKE DOWN THE DOOR
TO THE SERVING HATCH
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302. PAINTED THE SPARE ROOM
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303. AND NEXT WEEKEND
I THINK THEY'LL BE ABLE
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304. TO MAKE A START
ON THE BOYS' BEDROOM.
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305. WHILE AMY AND ROGER...
UP IN LONDON FOR TWO DAYS...
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306. GO TO SEE
THE MYSTERIOUS MR. GRENVILLE.
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307. HE IN TURN
HAS BEEN REVEALED BY D'ARCY
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308. AS SOMETHING LESS
THAN AN HONEST MAN.
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309. SYBIL FEELS ONCE AGAIN
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310. A RESURGENCE
OF HER OLD AFFECTION
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311. AND SHE AND BALREAU RETURN
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312. TO HER LITTLE HOUSE
IN CLERMONT-FERRAND...
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313. THE KIND OF TWO-UP,
TWO-DOWN HOUSE
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314. THAT MOST FRENCH WORKERS...
AND, INDEED, MOST WORKERS
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315. THROUGHOUT THE EUROPEAN
COMMUNITY... ARE LIVING IN TODAY.
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316. THE EASE OF CONSTRUCTION
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317. USING ON-SITE PREFABRICATION
FACILITIES
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318. MAKES CHEAP HOUSING A REALITY.
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319. THE WALLS OF THESE HOUSES
ARE LINED
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320. WITH PRESTRESSED ASBESTOS, WHICH
KEEPS THE HOUSE WARM AND SNUGGLY
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321. AND EVER SO SAFE
FROM THE BIG BAD RABBIT
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322. WHO CAN SCRATCH AND SCRATCH
FOR ALL HE'S WORTH
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323. BUT HE JUST CAN'T GET
INTO PORKY'S HOUSE.
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324. WHERE IS PORKY?
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325. HERE HE IS.
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326. WHAT A FUNNY LITTLE CHAP.
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327. BUT PORKY IS ONE
OF THE LUCKY ONES.
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328. HE SURVIVED THE URBAN UPHEAVAL
OF THE '30s AND '40s.
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329. FOR HIM, JARROW IS STILL
JUST A MEMORY.
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330. THE HUNGER MARCHES,
THE EAST END RIOTS
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331. THE COLLAPSE OF
THE LABOR GOVERNMENT IN 1931
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332. ARE DIM REMINDERS OF THE DAYS
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333. BEFORE A NEWFOUND AFFLUENCE
SWEPT THE LAND
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334. MAKING IT CLEAN AND TIDY
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335. AND MAKING ALL THE SHOPS
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336. LOVELY CHOO-CHOO TRAINS AND TOYS
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337. AND SHINY CARS THAT GO
"BRRM, BRRM, BRRM"
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338. AND EVERYBODY WAS HAPPY
AND SINGING ALL THE DAY LONG
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339. AND NOBODY SAW
THE BIG BAD RABBIT EVER AGAIN.
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340. BUT, OF COURSE,
IT'S ALL VERY EASY
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341. TO BLAME THE BIG BAD RABBIT
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342. WHEN BY-ELECTIONS ARE GOING
AGAINST THE GOVERNMENT.
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343. UT HOW OFTEN DO YOU THINK
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344. WE SHOULD REALLY
BE BLAMING OURSELVES?
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345. BECAUSE, YOU KNOW, THAT'S WHERE
WE OUGHT TO START LOOKING.
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346. HELLO... ALL THE ACTIVITY
YOU CAN SEE HERE IN PROGRESS
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347. IS PART OF THE INTRICATE...
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348. PREPARATIONS FOR THE BRITISH
NAVAL EXPEDITION TO LAKE PAHOE.
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349. THE LEADER OF THE EXPEDITION IS
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350. SIR JANE RUSSELL.
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351. SIR JANE, WHAT IS THE
PURPOSE OF YOUR EXPEDITION?
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352. WELL, THIS IS A COMPLETELY
UNCHARTED LAKE
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353. WITH, LIKE, HITHERTO
UNCLASSIFIED MARINE LIFE, MAN
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354. SO THE WHOLE SCENE'S WIDE OPEN
FOR A SCIENTIFIC EXPLORATION.
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355. ONE CAN SEE THE IMMENSE
AMOUNT OF PREPARATION INVOLVED.
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356. HAVE THERE BEEN
MANY DIFFICULTIES
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357. IN SETTING UP THIS VENTURE?
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358. WELL, THE REAL HANG-UP
WAS WITH THE BREAD, MAN
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359. BUT WHEN THE TOP-BRASS PIGS
CAME THROUGH
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360. WE GOT IT TOGETHER
IN A COUPLE OF MOONS.
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361. COMMODORE BETTY GRABLE,
WHO'S A REAL SUB-AQUA HEAD
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362. HAS GOT IT TOGETHER DIVING-WISE
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363. AND, LIKE, THE WHOLE GIG'S
BEEN A REAL GAS, MAN.
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364. THANK YOU.
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365. LIEUTENANT COMMANDER
DOROTHY LAMOUR.
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366. PIECES OF EIGHT.
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367. DOROTHY, YOU'RE IN CHARGE
OF THE SECURITY AND LIAISON
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368. FOR THIS OPERATION.
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369. RIGHT ON.
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370. YOU'VE KEPT THIS ALL
VERY HUSH-HUSH SO FAR, SHIPMATE.
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371. YEAH, IT'S BEEN
REALLY HEAVY, MAN
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372. WITH ALL THESE FREAKS
FROM THE FASCIST PRESS
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373. TRYING TO BLOW
THE WHOLE SCENE.
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374. THERE'S NO DOUBT
ABOUT IT
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375. THIS EXPEDITION
DOES HAVE
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376. SOME RATHER UNUSUAL
ASPECTS, JIM LAD.
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377. FOR A START, WHY DO THE SENIOR
PERSONNEL ALL BEAR THE NAMES
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378. OF HOLLYWOOD FILM STARS
OF THE '40s
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379. AND FEMALE ONES AT THAT?
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380. SHIVER ME TIMBERS,
'TIS THE BLACK SPOT
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381. AND SECONDLY, I BE NOT AFRAID
OF THEE, BLIND PEW!
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382. WHY DO THEY TALK THIS
RATHER STRANGE, STILTED
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383. UNDERGROUND JARGON?
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384. BELAY THE MAIN BRACE, SQUIRE
TRELAWNEY, THIS BE MY SHIP NOW!
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385. AH! A TRANQUILIZING
DART FIRED
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386. BY THE COWARDLY BBC
HEALTH DEPARTMENT DOGS.
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387. THEY'VE DONE FILLED ME FULL
OF CHLORPROMAZINE! DAMN!
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388. I'M SORRY ABOUT MY COLLEAGUE'S
RATHER UNCONVENTIONAL BEHAVIOR.
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389. THE NAVY'S
OUT OF SIGHT!
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390. COME TOGETHER
WITH THE R.N.
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391. IT REALLY IS SOMETHING
OTHER THAN ELSE.
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392. CAN YOU DIG IT, MAN?
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393. HELLO... I'M SORRY
ABOUT MY COLLEAGUE'S
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394. RATHER UNCONVENTIONAL
BEHAVIOR JUST NOW
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395. BUT THINGS HAVEN'T BEEN
TOO EASY FOR HIM RECENTLY...
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396. TROUBLE AT HOME...
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397. RATHER CONFIDENTIAL, SO I CAN'T
GIVE YOU ALL THE DETAILS
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398. INTERESTING THOUGH THEY ARE.
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399. THREE BOTTLES OF RUM WITH
HIS WEETABIX, AND SO FORTH.
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400. ANYWAY... APPARENTLY,
THE GIRL WASN'T EVEN...
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401. ANYWAY, THE ACTIVITY
YOU SEE BEHIND ME...
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402. IT'S THE MOTHER
I FEEL SORRY FOR.
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403. I'LL START AGAIN.
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404. THE ACTIVITY YOU SEE BEHIND ME
IS PART OF THE PREPARATIONS
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405. FOR THE NEW NAVAL EXPEDITION
TO LAKE PAHOE.
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406. THE MAN IN CHARGE
OF THIS EXPEDITION IS
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407. VICE ADMIRAL
SIR JOHN CUNNINGHAM.
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408. SIR JOHN,
HELLO, THERE.
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409. HELLO... WELL,
FIRST OF ALL
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410. I'D LIKE
TO APOLOGIZE
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411. FOR THE BEHAVIOR OF
CERTAIN OF MY COLLEAGUES
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412. YOU MAY HAVE
SEEN EARLIER
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413. BUT THEY ARE
FROM BROKEN HOMES
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414. CIRCUS FAMILIES
AND SO ON
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415. AND THEY ARE IN NO
WAY REPRESENTATIVE
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416. OF THE NEW, MODERN,
IMPROVED BRITISH NAVY.
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417. THEY ARE A SMALL,
VOCIFEROUS MINORITY.
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418. AND MAY I TAKE
THIS OPPORTUNITY
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419. OF EMPHASIZING THAT
THERE IS NO CANNIBALISM
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420. IN THE BRITISH NAVY...
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421. ABSOLUTELY NONE.
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422. AND WHEN I SAY NONE
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423. I MEAN THERE IS
A CERTAIN AMOUNT...
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424. MORE THAN WE ARE
PREPARED TO ADMIT...
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425. BUT ALL NEW RATINGS
ARE WARNED
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426. THAT IF THEY WAKE UP
IN THE MORNING
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427. AND FIND ANY
TOOTH MARKS AT ALL
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428. ANYWHERE ON
THEIR BODIES
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429. THEY'RE TO TELL
ME IMMEDIATELY
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430. SO THAT I CAN IMMEDIATELY
TAKE EVERY MEASURE
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431. TO HUSH THE
WHOLE THING UP.
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432. AND FINALLY, NECROPHILIA
IS RIGHT OUT.
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433. NOW, THIS EXPEDITION
IS PRIMARILY
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434. TO INVESTIGATE REPORTS OF
CANNIBALISM AND NECROPHILIA IN...
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435. THIS EXPEDITION
IS PRIMARILY
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436. TO INVESTIGATE REPORTS
OF UNUSUAL MARINE LIFE
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437. IN THE AS-YET
UNCHARTED LAKE PAHOE.
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438. AND WHERE EXACTLY
IS THE LAKE?
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439. UH... 22A,
RUNCORN AVENUE.
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440. YES, THAT'S RIGHT, 22A.
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441. RUNCORN AVENUE?
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442. YES, IT'S JUST
BY BLENHEIM CRESCENT.
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443. DO YOU KNOW IT?
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444. UH, YOU MEAN IT'S
IN AN ORDINARY STREET?
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445. IT IS NOT AN
ORDINARY STREET...
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446. IT'S GOT
A LAKE IN IT!
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447. YES, BUT I...
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448. LOOK, HOW MANY
STREETS DO YOU KNOW
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449. THAT HAVE GOT
LAKES IN THEM?
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450. I MEAN, IS IT VERY LARGE?
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451. OF COURSE
IT'S NOT LARGE.
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452. YOU COULDN'T GET A LARGE
LAKE IN RUNCORN AVENUE!
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453. YOU'D HAVE TO KNOCK
DOWN THE TOBACCONIST'S!
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454. JENKINS...
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455. NO!
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456. I'M NOW STANDING
IN RUNCORN AVENUE.
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457. SIR JOHN, WHERE
EXACTLY IS THE LAKE?
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458. UH, WELL LET'S SEE,
THAT'S 18...
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459. THAT'S 20,
SO THIS MUST BE THE ONE.
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460. UM, EXCUSE ME, UM...
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461. YES, THIS IS
THE ONE, ALL RIGHT.
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462. BUT IT'S
AN ORDINARY HOUSE.
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463. LOOK, I'M GETTING
PRETTY IRRITATED
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464. WITH THIS LINE
OF QUESTIONING.
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465. BUT IT DOESN'T EVEN
LOOK LIKE A LAKE.
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466. LOOK, YOUR WHOLE APPROACH
SINCE THIS INTERVIEW STARTED
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467. HAS BEEN
TO MOCK THE NAVY.
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468. WHEN I THINK THAT
FOR THE LIKES OF YOU
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469. I HAD BOTH MY LEGS
BLOWN OFF...
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470. BUT YOU HAVEN'T HAD BOTH
YOUR LEGS BLOWN OFF!
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471. I WAS TALKING
METAPHORICALLY, YOU FOOL.
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472. JENKINS...
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473. PUT THAT DOWN.
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474. RIGHT, IS
THE EQUIPMENT READY?
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475. DIVING EQUIPMENT
ALL READY, MAN.
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476. RIGHT... NOW,
QUITE SIMPLY
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477. THE APPROACH TO LAKE
PAHOE IS UP THE STEPS
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478. AND THEN WE COME TO
THE SHORES OF THE LAKE.
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479. NOW, I'M GOING
TO PRESS THE BELL
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480. JUST TO SEE IF
THERE'S ANYONE IN.
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481. HELLO?
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482. GOOD MORNING, I'M LOOKING
FOR A LAKE PAHOE.
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483. THERE'S A MR. PADGETT.
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484. NO, NO, A LAKE.
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485. THERE'S NO LAKE HERE, MATE.
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486. THIS IS RUNCORN AVENUE.
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487. WHAT'S THAT CAMERA DOING?
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488. CAMERA? WHAT'S HE WANT?
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489. OOH, ARE WE ON THE TELLY?
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490. HE'S LOOKING
FOR A LAKE.
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491. LAKE PAHOE.
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492. OH, YOU WANT DOWNSTAIRS,
22A, THE BASEMENT.
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493. AH! THANK YOU VERY MUCH,
GOOD MORNING.
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494. COME ON, MEN, DOWNSTAIRS.
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495. UH, WERE YOU SUCCESSFUL,
SIR JOHN?
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496. IT'S IN THE BASEMENT.
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497. IN THE BASEMENT?
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498. PIECES OF EIGHT!
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499. UGH!
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500. HELLO?
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501. OH, I THINK IT'S
SOMEONE ABOUT THE DAMP.
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502. HELLO.
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503. TELL THEM
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504. ABOUT THE
BLEEDING RATS, TOO.
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505. I'LL GO.
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506. YES?
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507. GOOD MORNING,
IS THIS LAKE PAHOE?
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508. WELL, I DON'T KNOW ABOUT THAT,
BUT IT'S BLEEDING DAMP.
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509. ARE YOU FROM THE COUNCIL?
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510. NO, WE ARE THE OFFICIAL BRITISH
NAVAL EXPEDITION TO THIS LAKE.
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511. MAY WE COME IN?
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512. HANG ON.
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513. BLOODY SHARKS.
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514. GET BACK IN...
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515. GET IN.
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516. GET IN.
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517. WELL, THAT WOULD APPEAR
TO BE THE END OF THE EXPEDITION.
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518. THE MAGNA CARTA...
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519. WAS IT A DOCUMENT SIGNED
AT RUNNYMEDE
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520. IN 1215 BY KING JOHN
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521. PLEDGING INDEPENDENCE
TO THE ENGLISH BARONS
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522. OR WAS IT A PIECE OF CHEWING GUM
ON A BEDSPREAD IN DORSET?
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523. THE LATTER IDEA IS
THE BRAINCHILD OF A MAN
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524. NEW TO THE FIELD
OF HISTORICAL RESEARCH.
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525. MR. BADGER, WHY... WHY
ARE YOU ON THIS PROGRAM?
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526. WELL, I
THINK I CAN ANSWER THIS QUESTION
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527. MOST SUCCESSFULLY IN MIME.
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528. BUT WHY DORSET?
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529. WELL, I HAVE FOR A LONG TIME
BEEN SUFFERING
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530. FROM A SPECIES OF BRAIN IN JURY
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531. WHICH I INCURRED
DURING THE RIGORS OF CHILDBIRTH
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532. AND I'D LIKE TO CONCLUDE
BY PUTTING MY FINGER UP MY NOSE.
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533. MR. BADGER, I THINK
YOU'RE THE SILLIEST PERSON
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534. WE'VE EVER HAD ON THIS PROGRAM
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535. AND SO I'M GOING
TO ASK YOU
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536. TO HAVE DINNER
WITH ME.
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537. MY WIFE MAUREEN RAN OFF
WITH A BOTTLE OF BELL'S WHISKEY
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538. DURING THE ABERDEEN
VERSUS RAITH ROVERS MATCH
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539. WHICH ENDED
IN A GOAL-LESS DRAW.
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540. ROBSON, PARTICULARLY, IN GOAL,
HAD A MAGNIFICENT FIRST HALF
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541. HIS FINE POSITIONAL SENSE
PREVENTING THE BUILD-UP
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542. OF ANY SEVERE PRESSURE
ON THE SUSPECT ABERDEEN DEFENSE.
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543. McLOUGHLAN MISSED
AN EASY CHANCE
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544. TO CLINCH THE GAME TOWARDS
THE FINAL WHISTLE
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545. BUT RAITH MUST BE
WELL SATISFIED
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546. WITH THEIR POINT.
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547. DO PLEASE GO ON.
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548. THIS IS THE LEAST FASCINATING
CONVERSATION I'VE EVER HAD.
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549. WOULD YOU LIKE TO ORDER, SIR?
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550. YES, MR. BADGER, WHAT WOULD
YOU LIKE TO START WITH?
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551. UH, I'LL HAVE A WHISKEY
TO START WITH.
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552. FOR FIRST COURSE, SIR?
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553. AYE.
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554. AND FOR MAIN COURSE, SIR?
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555. UH, I'LL HAVE A WHISKEY
FOR MAIN COURSE
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556. AND I'LL FOLLOW THAT WITH
A WHISKEY FOR PUDDING.
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557. YES, SIR, AND WHAT WOULD YOU
LIKE WITH IT, SIR? A WHISKEY?
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558. NO, A BOTTLE OF WINE.
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559. "FINE, SIR," HE SAID
BETWEEN CLENCHED TEETH
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560. KNOWING FULL WELL IT WAS
A MOST UNREWARDING PART.
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561. THIS IS THE SILLIEST SKETCH
I'VE EVER BEEN IN.
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562. SHALL WE STOP IT?
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563. YEAH, ALL RIGHT.
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