Monty Python's Flying Circus 3x2

1. The Kon-Tiki!

2. R01!

3. Ru 2!

4. And now...

5. Mr. and Mrs. Brian Norris' Ford Popular!

6. Who, 0 year ago, had heard of Mr. and Mrs. Brian Norris

7. of 37 Gledhill Gardens, Parsons Green?

8. And yet their epic journey in EBW 343

9. has set them alongside Thor Heyerdahl

10. and Sir Edmund Hillary.

11. Starting only with a theory,

12. Mr. Norris set out to prove

13. that the inhabitants of Hounslow

14. could have been descendants of the people of Surbiton,

15. who had made the great trek north.

16. No newcomer to this field, Mr. Norris'

17. A Short History of Motor Traffic Between Purley and Esher

18. had become a bestselling minor classic

19. in the car-swapping belt.

20. But why would the people of Surbiton go to Hounslow?

21. Mr. Norris had noticed three things.

22. Firstly, the similarity of houses.

23. Secondly, the similarity of costume

24. between Hounslow and Surbiton.

25. And thirdly, the similarity of speech.

26. Are you still running the GDBDMDB?

27. Uh, yes, but I've had the excess nipples woppled

28. to remove tamping.

29. Jolly good.

30. Were these just coincidences, or were they,

31. as Mr. Norris believed,

32. part of an identical cultural background?

33. One further discovery convinced him:

34. the lawn mower.

35. Surely, such a sophisticated household gadget

36. could not have been generated independently

37. in two separate areas.

38. Mr. Norris was convinced.

39. I'm convinced.

40. But how to prove it?

41. There was only one way to see

42. if the journey between Surbiton and Hounslow was possible.

43. And that was to try and make it.

44. Months of preparation followed while Mr. Norris continued his research

45. in the Putney Public Library

46. and Mrs. Norris made sandwiches.

47. Finally, by April, they were ready.

48. On the 23rd, Mr. and Mrs. Norris set out from Abide-A-Wee

49. to motor the 15 miles to Surbiton

50. watched by a crowd of local well-wishers.

51. That evening, they dined at Tooting.

52. This would be the last they'd see of civilization.

53. Mr. Norris' diary for the 23rd

54. reveals the extraordinary calmness

55. and deep inner peacefulness of his mind.

56. Seven-thirty, fed cat. Eight o'clock, breakfast.

57. Eight-thirty, yes, successfully.

58. Nine o'clock, set out on historic journey.

59. On the morning of the 24th, early, to avoid the traffic,

60. Mr. Norris' historic expedition set out from Surbiton.

61. Destination: Hounslow.

62. Early on, they began to perceive encouraging signs.

63. The writing on the sign

64. was almost exactly the same

65. as the writing in the AA book.

66. They were on the right route.

67. During the long hours of the voyage

68. Mr. Norris' wife, Betty,

69. kept a complete photographic record

70. and made sandwiches.

71. This is some of the unique footage

72. which Mrs. Norris got back from the chemist's.

73. Mile succeeded mile

74. and the terrific strain was beginning to tell,

75. when suddenly...

76. by an amazing stroke of luck

77. Mr. Norris had come across the Kingston bypass.

78. This was something to tell the roundtable.

79. At this stage, Mr. Norris was faced

80. with two major divergent theories

81. concerning his Surbiton ancestors.

82. Did they take the Kingston bypass,

83. turning left at Barnes

84. or did they strike west up the A308

85. via Norbiton to Hampton Wick?

86. Both these theories ran up against one big obstacle:

87. The Thames,

88. lying like a silver turd

89. between Richmond and lsleworth.

90. This was a major setback.

91. How could they possibly cross the river?

92. Several hours of thought produced nothing.

93. There was only one flask of coffee left

94. when suddenly, Mr. Norris spotted something.

95. Could this have been the method used?

96. Hardly daring to believe, Mr. Norris led his expedition onto the 3:47.

97. Forty minutes later, via Clapham, Fulham,

98. Chiswick and Brentford, they approached their goal:

99. Hounslow.

100. Was this, then, the final proof?

101. Something aroused the accountant's instinct

102. buried deep in Mr. Norris' makeup.

103. The journey was possible, and yet...

104. "Wrong-way" Norris had accidentally stumbled

105. on a piece of anthropological history.

106. It was the inhabitants of Hounslow

107. who had made the great trek south

108. to the sunnier pastures of Surbiton

109. and not vice versa, as he had originally surmised.

110. This was the secret of Surbiton.

111. Happy and contented,

112. Mr. Norris returned to the calmer waters

113. of chartered accountancy

114. for, in his way, "Wrong-way" Norris was right.

115. -And now... -lt's...

116. Monty Python's Flying Circus.

117. Knock, enter and approach.

118. Right. It's come to my notice

119. that certain boys have been running a unit-trust-linked assurance scheme

120. with fringe benefits and full cash-in endowment facilities.

121. Apparently, small investors were attracted

122. by the wide-ranging portfolio and that in the first week,

123. the limited offer was oversubscribed eight times.

124. It was Tidwell's idea, sir.

125. Shut up, I haven't finished.

126. Oh, by the way, congratulations on winning

127. the Italian Grand Prix at Monza.

128. -Thank you, sir. -Shut up.

129. Now, then, this sort of extracurricular

130. capitalist expansion has got to stop.

131. I made it quite clear,

132. when Potter tried to go public last term

133. that these massive stock-exchange deals

134. must not happen in Big School.

135. -Is that clear, Balderston? -Yes, sir.

136. Oh, and, Balderston, next time you do a Panorama report on the black ghettos

137. you must get an exeat form from Mr. Dibley.

138. -Sorry, sir. -Shut up.

139. And stop slouching.

140. Now, the reason I called you in here today

141. is that my wife is having a little trouble with her, um...

142. with her waterworks.

143. And I think she needs a bit of attention.

144. Now, which one of you is the surgeon?

145. Come on, I know one of you is. Now, which one is it?

146. Ah. Tidwell. Good.

147. I want you to come along and have a look at the wife.

148. Sir, why don't you ask Stebbins? He's a gynecologist.

149. Oh, you rotten stinker, Tidwell.

150. Tch!

151. Is this true, Stebbins?

152. -Are you a gynecologist? -Yes, sir.

153. Right, just the man. How much you charge?

154. Thirty guineas, sir.

155. Excellent. Right.

156. I want you to go along, see the wife.

157. Give her a full examination.

158. Let me know the results by the end of break.

159. And don't pick your nose.

160. -Hello. -Hello.

161. Well, last week we showed you how to become a gynecologist.

162. And this week on How To Do It

163. we're going to show you how to play the flute,

164. how to split an atom,

165. how to construct a box-girder bridge,

166. how to irrigate the Sahara desert

167. and make vast new areas of land cultivatable.

168. But first, here's Jackie

169. to tell you all how to rid the world

170. of all known diseases.

171. Hello, Alan.

172. Hello, Jackie.

173. Well, first of all, become a doctor

174. and discover a marvelous cure for something.

175. When the medical profession starts to take notice of you

176. you can tell them what to do,

177. make sure they get everything right

178. so there'll never be any diseases ever again.

179. Thanks, Jackie. Great idea.

180. And now, how to play the flute.

181. Well, here we are.

182. You blow there and you move your fingers up and down here.

183. Great. Great. Great, Alan.

184. Well, next week we'll be showing you

185. how black and white people can live together

186. in peace and harmony.

187. And Alan will be over in Moscow

188. showing us how to reconcile the Russians and the Chinese.

189. So, until next week, cheerio.

190. -Bye. -Bye.

191. Bye-bye.

192. Oh, yes, he's such a clever little boy.

193. Just like his father.

194. Oh, do you think so, Mrs. Nigger-Baiter?

195. Oh, yes. Spitting image.

196. -Mmm. -Mmm.

197. Good afternoon, Mother. Afternoon, Mrs. Nigger-Baiter.

198. Oh, he's walking already.

199. Yes, he's such a clever little boy. Aren't you, hoochie-coo?

200. -Hello, hoochie-coo. -Hello, hoochie-coo.

201. -Look at him laughing, eh? -Yeah.

202. He's a chirpy little fellow, isn't he?

203. Isn't he a chirpy little fellow, eh?

204. Does he talk? Does he talk, eh?

205. Of course I can talk. I'm Minister for Overseas Development.

206. Oooh!

207. Clever little boy.

208. He's a clever little boy.

209. Do you like your rattle, eh?

210. Do you like your rattle?

211. Look at his little eyes following it, eh?

212. Look at his iggy-tiggy-biggy little eyeballs.

213. Oh, he's got a tubby tum-tum.

214. Oh, he's got a tubby tum-tum.

215. Mother, could I have a quick cup of tea, please?

216. l have an important statement on Rhodesia to make in the Commons at six.

217. Mrs. Nigger-Baiter's exploded.

218. Good thing too.

219. She was my best friend.

220. Oh, Mother, don't be so sentimental.

221. Things explode every day.

222. Yes, I suppose so.

223. Anyway, I didn't really like her that much.

224. -Ooh.

225. Hello, I'm your new vicar.

226. Can I interest you in any encyclopedias?

227. No, thank you.

228. We're not church people, thank you.

229. How about brushes? Nylon or bristle?

230. Strong-tufted, attractive colors.

231. No, really, thank you, vicar.

232. Oh, dear. Turkey? Cup Final tickets?

233. No. No, really. We're just not religious. Thank you.

234. -Oh, well. Bye-bye. -Bye-bye, vicar.

235. If you do want anything,

236. jewellery, Ascot water heaters...

237. Thank you, vicar.

238. It's funny, isn't it, how...

239. How your best friend can just blow up like that.

240. I mean, you wouldn't think it was medically possible, would you?

241. This is where Mrs. Shazam was so wrong.

242. Exploding is a perfectly normal medical phenomenon.

243. In many fields of medicine nowadays,

244. For instance, athlete's foot,

245. an irritating condition, can be cured

246. -by applying a small charge of TNT between each toe.

247. Excuse me.

248. Hello, I'm your new vicar.

249. Can I interest you in any of these watches, pens or biros?

250. No, I'm not religious, I'm afraid.

251. Oh, souvenirs, badges, little noddy dog for the back of the car?

252. -No, thank you, vicar. Good morning. -Morning.

253. Now, many of the medical profession

254. are skeptical about my work.

255. They point to my record of treatment

256. of athlete's foot sufferers:

257. Eighty-four dead, 65 severely wounded

258. and 12 missing, believed cured.

259. But then, people laughed at Bob Hope.

260. They laughed at my wife

261. when she wrapped herself up in greaseproof paper

262. and hopped into the Social Security office.

263. But that doesn't mean that Pasteur was wrong.

264. Look, I'll show you what I mean.

265. Watch it, mate.

266. I'm not gonna stay around here getting poked and prodded all day.

267. I'm off.

268. I've got a decent body.

269. I get poked and prodded in the chest.

270. I'm gonna get another line of work.

271. Watch it!

272. Turn back. Stop.

273. Please! Oh, stop!

274. Oh, my God, he's fallen off the edge of the cartoon.

275. Well, so much for that link.

276. John Cobbley is the musical and artistic director of Covent Garden.

277. He is himself a talented musician,

278. he's a world-famous authority on 19th-century Russian music,

279. and he's come into the studio tonight

280. to talk about Tchaikovsky.

281. Which is a bit of a pity, as this is Farming Club.

282. And on Farming Club tonight we'll take a look

283. at the Ministry's latest preventative proposals

284. to deal with possible outbreaks of foot-and-mouth.

285. We'll be talking later on to the man

286. who believes that milk yields can be increased dramatically.

287. But first, a Farming Club special:

288. The Life of Tchaikovsky.

289. Tchaikovsky. Was he the tortured soul

290. who poured out his immortal longings

291. into dignified passages of stately music?

292. Or was he just an old poof who wrote tunes?

293. Tonight on Farming Club

294. we're going to take an intimate look at Tchaikovsky

295. and an intimate look at his friends.

296. Incidentally, BBC publications

297. have prepared a special pamphlet to go with this program

298. called Hello Pianist.

299. And it contains material

300. which some people might find offensive

301. but which is really smashing.

302. Peter llyich Tchaikovsky was born in 1840 in a Ken Russell film

303. just outside Saint Petersburg.

304. His father, Leo McKern, a freelance bishop,

305. was married to Vera Plachenka, Julie Christie,

306. but secretly deeply in love with Margo Farenka,

307. Shirley Abicair,

308. and the strangely flatulent Madame Ranevsky,

309. Norris McWhirter.

310. Soon, however, the family,

311. Eldridge Cleaver, Moira Lister and Stan the Bat,

312. moved to the neighboring industrial village of Omsk,

313. Eddie Waring, where they soon found themselves, sadly,

314. quite unable to cope, Anthony Barber.

315. In 1863, however, Tchaikovsky was sent to Moscow

316. to study the piano.

317. And when he'd finished that, the living room.

318. Maurice takes up the story.

319. Well, guess what?

320. The very next thing he did was to go to this extraordinary,

321. but extraordinary duckety-poos,

322. semi-Mondrian house in Robin Russia.

323. Harry here, Tammy Tchaikovsky wrote

324. the most Sammy super symphonies

325. you've Henry heard in the whole of your Lily life.

326. She was such a good composer

327. that everybody but everybody wanted to know.

328. And quite right too because she wrote some lovely bits

329. such as Sally Sleeping Beauty,

330. Patsy "Pathétique," Adrian "1812,"

331. and lots of Conny concerti for Vera "Violin"

332. and Peter "Piano" Fanny forte.

333. But what do we really know of this tortured ponce?

334. Well, if you can imagine the size of Nelson's Column,

335. roughly three times the size of a London bus,

336. then Tchaikovsky was much smaller.

337. His head was about the same size

338. as that of an extremely large dog.

339. That is, say, two very small dogs

340. or four very large hamsters.

341. Or one medium-size rabbit

342. if you count the whole body, not just the head.

343. Robin?

344. Thank you. Here's your three-stage model of Tchaikovsky.

345. Um, here you see the legs, used for walking around

346. which can be jettisoned at night.

347. And, uh, this is the main trunk,

348. the powerhouse of the whole thing,

349. incorporating, of course, the naughty bits

350. which were extremely naughty for his time.

351. And the whole thing is subservient

352. to this small command module

353. the, as it were, head of the whole, as it were, body.

354. -Robin. -Peter.

355. -Simon. -Maurice.

356. Me. Well, poor pet,

357. she was like a lost lamb in an abattoir.

358. Eventually, she Dickie died of Colin cholera

359. in Saint Patsy Petersburg

360. in Gertie great Percy pain.

361. Here to play Tchaikovsky's "First Piano Concerto in B-flat minor"

362. is the world-famous soloist Sviatoslav Richter.

363. During the performance, he will escape from a sack,

364. three padlocks and a pair of handcuffs.

365. Good evening. This new series of Trim-Jeans Theatre Presents

366. will enable you to enjoy the poetry of T.S. Eliot

367. whilst losing unsightly tummy bulge. Jean.

368. Well, yes, um, the inches stay off. Mark?

369. Terrific. Thrill to Thomas a Becket's

370. Kierkegaardian moment of choice

371. whilst making your physique tighter, firmer, neater.

372. I am here. No traitor to the king.

373. Absolve all those you have excommunicated.

374. Resign those powers you have abrogated.

375. Renew the obedience you have violated.

376. Lose inches off your hips, thighs, buttocks and abdomen.

377. A terrific product.

378. Terrific.

379. And this comes complete with the most revolutionary guarantee

380. in slenderizing history.

381. This was Kevin Francis before last season's

382. Trim-Jean's Play of the Month production of The Seagull

383. by Anton Chekhov and the Sauna Belt Trim-Jean Company Limited.

384. See? Kevin has slipped into his slenderizing garment

385. and is inflating it with the handy little pump provided.

386. Three acts and a few special torso exercises later,

387. Kevin, as Trigorin, the failed writer of sentimental romances

388. has lost over 33 inches.

389. Wow, what a difference.

390. That Anton Chekhov can certainly write.

391. -Terrific. -Terrific.

392. Yes, why not join us for a season of classic plays

393. and rapid slenderizing?

394. Enjoy Sir John Gielgud and Sir Ralph Richardson

395. losing a total of 15 inches in David Storey's Home.

396. Enjoy The Trim Gentlemen of Verona

397. and Long Day's Journey Into Night

398. while inches melt away.

399. Enjoy Glenda Jackson with a constant snug fit

400. and solid support in all four areas.

401. Other productions will include:

402. Treasure Island,

403. Swan Lake,

404. The Life and Loves of Toulouse-Lautrec,

405. and the Trim-Jeans version of The Great Escape

406. with a cast of thousands losing well over 1500 inches.

407. Halt! Halt!

408. Halt!

409. Wasn't that terrific, ladies and gentlemen? Really great.

410. Now, the next item on the program...

411. I can't stand it, man. Really, now.

412. I've had it with this idiot. Every night, making me say the most...

413. ...really terrific act. The next item on the...

414. Hey, man, I'm off, gone, split, through, eh?

415. Gonna find a gig elsewhere.

416. Somewhere that's a bit cooler, man.

417. I mean, it's terrible, the way I hide.

418. I think this Christmas I'm gonna cool down.

419. I'm gonna get with a guy who really, you know,

420. digs me, you know? A man who feels...

421. Really feels the same way I do, man...

422. Welcome aboard, Britisher pig.

423. Quite a little surprise, ja?

424. But perhaps you would be so kind as to tell us all you know

425. about certain Allied shipping routes, ja?

426. Come on, talk...

427. Hello, Fritz. The tables seem to have turned, old chap.

428. Let's see how you like a bit of your own medicine, eh?

429. -Come on, Fritz. Now, tell us. Tell us about...

430. Oh, greetings, capitalist dog.

431. Very sorry, but must inform you

432. that you are now prisoner of People's Republic.

433. I'm very sorry, Comrade commander,

434. but have just picked up a capitalist ship

435. on ['0de scanner.

436. This is your captain speaking.

437. There is no need for panic.

438. Women and children first.

439. I repeat that. Women and children first.

440. Do not rush for the lifeboats

441. and remember, women and children first.

442. And Red Indians.

443. Why did you dress up like that?

444. It was the only thing left.

445. All right. Women, children and Red Indians.

446. And spacemen.

447. Here is a revised list:

448. Women, children, Red Indians and spacemen...

449. What's that meant to be?

450. It's a sort of impression

451. of what a Renaissance courtier artist might look like

452. at the courts of the great families,

453. the Medicis or the Borgias.

454. No, it's not. It looks more Flemish than Italian.

455. Yes, that's a Flemish merchant of the 15th or 16th centuries.

456. -What, with these tassels? -Yes, yes.

457. They had those fitted doublets going tapering down into the full hose.

458. You know. Exactly like that.

459. One moment, please. Don't panic.

460. What's it meant to be? I've got to tell them something.

461. Is it a Flemish merchant?

462. No, it is not a Flemish merchant.

463. It's more a sort of idealized version

464. of the complete Renaissance man.

465. -No, it's not. -All right, all right, all right.

466. This is your captain speaking.

467. Do not rush for the lifeboats.

468. Women, children, Red Indians, spacemen

469. and a sort of idealized version

470. of the complete Renaissance men first.

471. Flemish merchants did not wear hand-embroidered chevrons.

472. They did not.

473. Yes, Gomez?

474. "We found them walking on the beach, my cap..."

475. Gomez, why can't you say this?

476. What? Oh, I see. We can't afford it.

477. Ah, you see, the BBC has to pay an actor 20 guineas if he speaks

478. and it makes a bit of a hole in the budget.

479. Twenty-eight guineas, sir.

480. Oh! You fool, Gomez.

481. Sorry. Sorry.

482. That's 28 guineas.

483. What about me, sir?

484. -Are you supposed to speak? -No.

485. -You've just spoken! -Sorry.

486. You fool, that's 56 guineas before we've even started.

487. Yes?

488. What did he do that for?

489. It's a stunt. An extra 20 guineas.

490. Look, we can't afford it.

491. The BBC are short of money as it is.

492. The BBC wishes to deny rumors

493. that it is going into liquidation.

494. Mrs. Kelly, who owns the flat where they live,

495. has said that they can stay on till the end of the month.

496. And we've just heard that Huw Weldon's watch

497. has been accepted by the London Electricity Board

498. and transmissions for this evening

499. can be continued as planned.

500. Well, that's all from me,

501. -so good night.

502. Are you gonna be in there all night?

503. It's just a bulletin, Mr. Kelly.

504. And now back to the story.

505. -Come out.

506. All right.

507. We found these men walking on the beach, my captain.

508. We are British naval officers, and entitled to be...

509. It's Puss.

510. Hello, Puss.

511. Hello, children.

512. Stop! Stop this adaptation of Puss in Boots.

513. This is the police department of the state of Venezuela!

514. Oh, no, it isn't.

515. Oh, yes, it is!

516. Oh, no, it isn't.

517. Oh, yes, it is.

518. Oh, no, it isn't.

519. Shut up!

520. Now, I'm going to ask you some questions.

521. And remember, if you do not give me correct answers

522. we have ways of making you answer.

523. Like not paying 28 guineas.

524. Shut up!

525. Now, what ship are you from?

526. We are from the SS Mother Goose.

527. We were 12 days out from Port of Spain, and...

528. I got 30 bob for the trousers.

529. We are from the SS Mother Goose.

530. We were 12 days out from Port of Spain.

531. And one night, I was doing my usual rounds

532. when I had occasion to pass the forward storage lockers.

533. Go on.

534. Oh, um. Well, I...

535. Inoﬁced something unusual.

536. The main bilge hatches had been opened.

537. And there, crouching amidst the scuppers,

538. was the most ghastly creature I'd ever seen in my life.

539. As soon as it saw me,

540. its horrible face split aside in a ghastly look of terror.

541. Its head, which was like a...

542. Could you sign this, please?

543. ...a small rat, was ghastly and horrible and befurred.

544. Its little red eyes glinted

545. in the unaccustomed glare of the midday sun.

546. And before I could shut the hatch

547. it sprang upon me with one almighty bound...

548. What's this about doing Horse of the Year Show in here tonight?

549. I'm sorry, Mrs. Kelly.

550. We don't know. This is drama.

551. Mr. Fox told me, before he went down to the pub,

552. they're doing Horse of the Year Show in here tonight at 9:10.

553. -Well, this is BBC Two. -BBC One are in the kitchen.

554. I'm not having Harvey Smith jumping over my binette.

555. No. Come on.

556. Tearing at my throat, ripping my clothes.

557. And turn the gas off before you leave!

558. All right!

559. I fought it with all my strength,

560. but it was too much for me. It...

561. Another clear round for Harvey Smith on O'Malley.

562. And now it's Mrs. David Barker

563. riding Atalanta, number three.

564. Right, that's it.

565. Come on, out, out, all of you.

566. Get out of my kitchen. Go on. Harvey Smith.

567. Get out of here, you Iunkers.

568. It's one of our most popular programs.

569. That's what you think, Mr. Fox.

570. Well, that's all from BBC television...

571. Come on, get out. Out. Get out of here.

572. Out. Out. Get out.

573. Out. Out.

574. Tonight, from London, your special guests are:

575. Lulu...

576. Ringo Starr...

577. and the man you've all been waiting for,

578. your host for tonight.

579. Love the outfit, dear. It's gorgeous.

580. Hello. Good evening. Welcome.

581. It's...