1. Narrator 1:
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2. WHO, A YEAR AGO, HAD
HEARD OF MR. AND MRS. BRIAN NORRIS
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3. OF 37 GLEDHILL GARDENS,
PARSONS GREEN?
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4. AND YET, THEIR EPIC JOURNEY
IN EBW343 HAS SET THEM
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5. ALONGSIDE THOR HEYERDAHL
AND SIR EDMUND HILLARY.
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6. STARTING ONLY WITH A THEORY,
MR. NORRIS SET OUT TO PROVE
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7. THAT THE INHABITANTS
OF HOUNSLOW
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8. COULD HAVE BEEN DESCENDANTS
OF THE PEOPLE OF SURBITON
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9. WHO HAD MADE
THE GREAT TREK NORTH.
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10. NO NEWCOMER TO THIS FIELD
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11. MR. NORRIS' A SHORT HISTORY
OF MOTOR TRAFFIC
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12. BETWEEN PURLEY AND ESHER
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13. HAD BECOME A MINOR CLASSIC
IN THE CAR-SWAPPING BELT.
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14. BUT WHY WOULD THE PEOPLE
OF SURBITON GO TO HOUNSLOW?
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15. MR. NORRIS HAD NOTICED
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16. FIRSTLY,
THE SIMILARITY OF HOUSES;
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17. SECONDLY, THE SIMILARITY
OF COSTUME
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18. BETWEEN HOUNSLOWAND SURBITON;
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19. AND THIRDLY,
THE SIMILARITY OF SPEECH.
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20. ARE YOU STILL RUNNING
THE G.D.B.D.M.D.B?
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21. AH, YES, BUT I'VE HAD
THE EXCESS NIPPLES WOPPLED
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22. TO REMOVE TAMPING.
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23. JOLLY GOOD.
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24. WERE THESE JUST COINCIDENCES
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25. OR WERE THEY,
AS MR. NORRIS BELIEVED
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26. PART OF AN IDENTICAL
CULTURAL BACKGROUND?
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27. ONE FURTHER DISCOVERY
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28. THE LAWNMOWER.
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29. SURELY SUCH A SOPHISTICATED
HOUSEHOLD GADGET
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30. COULD NOT HAVE
BEEN GENERATED INDEPENDENTLY
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31. IN TWO SEPARATE AREAS.
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32. MR. NORRIS WAS CONVINCED.
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33. I'M CONVINCED.
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34. BUT HOW TO PROVE IT?
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35. BUT HOW TO PROVE IT?
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36. THERE WAS ONLY ONE WA Y
TO SEE IF THE JOURNEY
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37. BETWEEN SURBITON AND HOUNSLOW
WAS POSSIBLE
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38. AND THAT WAS
TO TRY AND MAKE IT.
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39. MONTHS OF PREPARATION FOLLOWED
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40. WHILE MR. NORRIS
CONTINUED HIS RESEARCH
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41. IN THE PUTNEY PUBLIC LIBRARY
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42. AND MRS. NORRIS
MADE SANDWICHES.
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43. FINALLY, BY APRIL
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44. THEY WERE READY.
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45. ON THE 23rd,
MR. AND MRS. NORRIS SET OUT
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46. FROM ABIDE-A-WEE TO MOTOR
THE 15 MILES TO SURBITON
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47. WATCHED BYA CROWD
OF LOCAL WELL-WISHERS.
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48. THAT EVENING,
THEY DINED AT TOOTING.
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49. THIS WOULD BE THE LAST
THEY'D SEE OF CIVILIZATION.
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50. MR. NORRIS' DIARY
FOR THE 23rd REVEALS
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51. THE EXTRAORDINARY CALMNESS
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52. AND DEEP INNER PEACEFULNESS
OF HIS MIND.
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53. 7:30... FED CAT.
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54. 8:00... BREAKFAST.
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55. 8:3O... YES,
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56. 9:00... SET OUT
ON HISTORIC JOURNEY.
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57. ON THE MORNING OF THE
24th, EARLY TO A VOID THE TRAFFIC
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58. MR. NORRIS' HISTORIC EXPEDITION
SET OUT FROM SURBITON...
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59. DESTINATION HOUNSLOW.
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60. EARLY ON, THEY BEGAN
TO PERCEIVE ENCOURAGING SIGNS.
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61. THE WRITING ON THE SIGN
WAS ALMOST EXACTLY THE SAME
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62. AS THE WRITING
IN THE A.A. BOOK.
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63. THEY WERE ON THE RIGHT ROUTE.
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64. DURING THE LONG HOURS
OF THE VOYAGE
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65. MR. NORRIS' WIFE BETTY
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66. KEPT A COMPLETE
PHOTOGRAPHIC RECORD
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67. AND MADE SANDWICHES.
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68. THIS IS SOME
OF THE UNIQUE FOOTAGE
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69. WHICH MRS. NORRIS GOT BACK
FROM THE CHEMIST'S.
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70. MILE SUCCEEDED MILE
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71. AND THE TERRIFIC STRAIN
WAS BEGINNING TO TELL
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72. WHEN SUDDENLY...
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73. BY AN AMAZING STROKE OF LUCK
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74. MR. NORRIS HAD COME
ACROSS THE KINGSTON BYPASS.
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75. THIS WAS SOMETHING
TO TELL THE ROUND TABLE.
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76. AT THIS STAGE,
MR. NORRIS WAS FACED
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77. WITH TWO MAJOR
DIVERGENT THEORIES
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78. CONCERNING
HIS SURBITON ANCESTORS
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79. DID THEY TAKE
THE KINGSTON BYPASS
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80. TURNING LEFT AT BARNES
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81. OR DID THEY STRIKE WEST
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82. UP THE A3O8 VIA NORBITON
TO HAMPTON WICK?
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83. BOTH THESE THEORIES RUN UP
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84. THE THAMES...
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85. LYING LIKE A SILVER TURD
BETWEEN RICHMOND AND ISLEWORTH.
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86. THIS WAS A MAJOR SETBACK.
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87. HOW COULD THEY POSSIBLY
CROSS THE RIVER?
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88. SEVERAL HOURS OF THOUGHT
PRODUCED NOTHING.
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89. THERE WAS ONLY ONE FLASK
OF COFFEE LEFT
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90. WHEN SUDDENLY
MR. NORRIS SPOTTED SOMETHING.
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91. COULD THIS
HAVE BEEN THE METHOD USED?
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92. HARDLY DARING TO BELIEVE
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93. MR. NORRIS LED HIS EXPEDITION
ON TO THE 3:47.
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94. 4O MINUTES LATER, VIA CLAPHAM
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95. FULHAM, CHISWICKAND BRENTFORD,
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96. HOUNSLOW.
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97. WAS THIS THEN THE FINAL PROOF?
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98. SOMETHING AROUSED
THE ACCOUNTANT'S INSTINCT
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99. VERY DEEP
IN MR. NORRIS' MAKEUP.
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100. THE JOURNEY WAS POSSIBLE,
AND YET...
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101. "WRONG-WAY" NORRIS HAD
ACCIDENTALLY STUMBLED ON
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102. A PIECE
OF ANTHROPOLOGICAL HISTORY.
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103. IT WAS THE INHABITANTS
OF HOUNSLOW
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104. WHO HAD MADE
THE GREAT TREK SOUTH
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105. TO THE SUNNIER PASTURES
OF SURBITON
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106. AND NOT VICE VERSA,
AS HE HAD ORIGINALLY SURMISED.
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107. THIS WAS
THE SECRET OF SURBITON.
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108. HAPPY AND CONTENTED,
MR. NORRIS RETURNED
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109. TO THE CALMER WATERS
OF CHARTERED ACCOUNTANCY
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110. FOR, IN HIS WA Y,
"WRONG-WAY" NORRIS WAS RIGHT.
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111. AND NOW...
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112. IT'S...
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113. MONTY PYTHON'S FLYING CIRCUS.
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114. KNOCK, ENTER AND APPROACH.
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115. RIGHT.
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116. IT'S COME TO MY NOTICE
THAT CERTAIN BOYS
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117. HAVE BEEN RUNNING A UNIT-TRUST
LINKED ASSURANCE SCHEME
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118. WITH FRINGE BENEFITS AND FULL
CASH-IN ENDOWMENT FACILITIES.
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119. APPARENTLY,
SMALL INVESTORS WERE ATTRACTED
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120. BY THE WIDE-RANGING PORTFOLIO
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121. AND THAT IN THE FIRST WEEK
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122. THE LIMITED OFFER
WAS OVERSUBSCRIBED EIGHT TIMES.
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123. IT WAS
TIDWELL'S IDEA, SIR.
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124. SHUT UP, STEBBINS.
I HAVEN'T FINISHED.
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125. OH, BY THE WAY,
CONGRATULATIONS ON WINNING
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126. THE ITALIAN
GRAND PRIX AT MONZA.
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127. THANK YOU, SIR.
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128. SHUT UP.
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129. NOW THEN, THIS SORT
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130. OF EXTRACURRICULAR
CAPITALIST EXPANSION
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131. HAS GOT TO STOP.
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132. I MADE IT QUITE CLEAR
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133. WHEN POTTER TRIED
TO GO PUBLIC LAST TERM
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134. THAT THESE MASSIVE
STOCK EXCHANGE DEALS
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135. MUST NOT HAPPEN
IN BIG SCHOOL.
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136. IS THAT CLEAR,
BALDERSTON?
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137. YES, SIR.
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138. OH, AND BALDERSTON,
NEXT TIME YOU DO
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139. A "PANORAMA" REPORT
ON THE BLACK GHETTOS
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140. YOU MUST GET AN EXEAT FORM
FROM MR. DIBLEY.
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141. SORRY, SIR.
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142. SHUT UP,
AND STOP SLOUCHING.
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143. NOW, THE REASON
I'VE CALLED YOU IN HERE TODAY
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144. IS THAT MY WIFE IS HAVING
A LITTLE TROUBLE WITH HER, UH...
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145. WITH HER WATERWORKS,
AND, UH...
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146. I THINK SHE NEEDS
A BIT OF ATTENTION.
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147. NOW, WHICH ONE OF YOU
IS THE SURGEON?
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148. COME ON, I KNOW
ONE OF YOU IS.
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149. NOW, WHICH ONE IS IT?
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150. AH, TIDWELL.
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151. GOOD. WELL,
I WANT YOU TO CUT ALONG
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152. HAVE A LOOK AT THE WIFE.
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153. OH, SIR, WHY DON'T YOU ASK
STEBBINS? HE'S A GYNECOLOGIST.
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154. OH, YOU ROTTEN STINKER,
TIDWELL!
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155. SHH. IS THIS TRUE, STEBBINS?
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156. ARE YOU A GYNECOLOGIST?
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157. YES, SIR.
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158. RIGHT. JUST THE MAN.
HOW MUCH DO YOU CHARGE?
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159. 30 GUINEAS, SIR.
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160. EXCELLENT. RIGHT. I WANT YOU
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161. TO GO ALONG TO SEE THE WIFE.
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162. GIVE HER A FULL EXAMINATION.
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163. LET ME KNOW THE RESULTS
BY THE END OF BREAK.
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164. AND DON'T
PICK YOUR NOSE!
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165. HELLO.
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166. HELLO.
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167. WELL, LAST WEEK
WE SHOWED YOU
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168. HOW TO BECOME
A GYNECOLOGIST
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169. AND THIS WEEK
ON HOW TO DO IT
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170. WE'RE GOING TO SHOW YOU
HOW TO PLAY THE FLUTE
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171. HOW TO SPLIT AN ATOM
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172. HOW TO CONSTRUCT
A BOX GIRDER BRIDGE
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173. HOW TO IRRIGATE
THE SAHARA DESERT
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174. AND MAKE VAST NEW AREAS
OF LAND CULTIVATABLE.
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175. BUT, FIRST, HERE'S
JACKIE TO TELL YOU ALL
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176. HOW TO RID THE WORLD
OF ALL KNOWN DISEASES.
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177. HELLO, ALAN.
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178. HELLO, JACKIE.
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179. WELL, FIRST OF ALL,
BECOME A DOCTOR
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180. AND DISCOVER A MARVELOUS
CURE FOR SOMETHING
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181. AND THEN WHEN
THE MEDICAL PROFESSION
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182. REALLY STARTS
TO TAKE NOTICE OF YOU
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183. YOU CAN JOLLY WELL
TELL THEM WHAT TO DO
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184. AND MAKE SURE
THEY GET EVERYTHING RIGHT
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185. SO THERE'LL NEVER BE
ANY DISEASES EVER AGAIN.
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186. THANKS, JACKIE.
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187. GREAT IDEA.
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188. HOW TO PLAY THE FLUTE.
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189. WELL, HERE WE ARE.
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190. UM, YOU BLOW THERE
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191. AND YOU MOVE YOUR FINGERS
UP AND DOWN HERE.
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192. GREAT... GREAT, ALAN.
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193. WELL, NEXT WEEK
WE'LL BE SHOWING YOU
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194. HOW BLACK AND WHITE PEOPLE
CAN LIVE TOGETHER
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195. IN PEACE AND HARMONY
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196. AND ALAN WILL BE OVER IN MOSCOW
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197. SHOWING US HOW TO RECONCILE
THE RUSSIANS AND THE CHINESE.
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198. SO, UNTIL NEXT WEEK, CHEERIO.
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199. BYE.
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200. BYE.
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201. BYE-BYE.
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202. OH, YES, HE'S SUCH
A CLEVER LITTLE BOY
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203. JUST LIKE HIS FATHER.
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204. OH, DO YOU THINK SO,
MRS. NIGGER-BAITER?
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205. OH, YES.
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206. SPITTING IMAGE.
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207. MMM!
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208. AFTERNOON, MOTHER.
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209. AFTERNOON,
MRS. NIGGER-BAITER.
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210. OOH, HE'S
WALKING ALREADY.
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211. YES, HE'S SUCH
A CLEVER LITTLE BOY.
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212. COOCHY-COOCHY-COO!
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213. HELLO, COOCHY-COO!
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214. HELLO, COOCHY-COOCHY!
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215. HELLO!
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216. LOOK AT HIM
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217. LAUGHING!
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218. HE'S A CHIRPY LITTLE
FELLOW, ISN'T HE?
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219. ISN'T HE A CHIRPY
LITTLE FELLOW, EH?
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220. DOES HE TALK?
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221. DOES HE TALK, EH?
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222. OF COURSE I CAN TALK.
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223. I'M MINISTER
FOR OVERSEAS DEVELOPMENT.
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224. OOH, HE'S A CLEVER LITTLE BOY!
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225. HE'S A CLEVER
LITTLE BOY!
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226. DO YOU LIKE
YOUR RATTLE, EH?
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227. DO YOU LIKE
YOUR RATTLE?
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228. LOOK AT HIS EYES
FOLLOWING IT, EH.
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229. LOOK AT HIS IGGY-PIGGY-PIGGY
LITTLE EYEBALLS.
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230. OOH, HE'S GOT
A TUBBY TUM-TUM.
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231. OOH, HE'S GOT
A TUBBY TUM-TUM!
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232. MOTHER, COULD I HAVE
A QUICK CUP OF TEA, PLEASE?
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233. I HAVE AN IMPORTANT
STATEMENT ON RHODESIA
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234. TO MAKE IN THE COMMONS
AT 6:00.
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235. OH, MRS. NIGGER-BAITER'S
EXPLODED!
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236. GOOD THING, TOO.
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237. SHE WAS MY BEST FRIEND.
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238. OH, MOTHER,
DON'T BE SO SENTIMENTAL.
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239. THINGS EXPLODE EVERY DAY.
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240. YES, I SUPPOSE SO.
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241. ANYWAY, I DIDN'T REALLY
LIKE HER THAT MUCH.
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242. OOH.
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243. HELLO.
I'M YOUR NEW VICAR.
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244. CAN I INTEREST YOU
IN ANY ENCYCLOPEDIAS?
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245. OH, NO. THANK YOU.
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246. WE'RE NOT CHURCH
PEOPLE. THANK YOU.
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247. HOW ABOUT BRUSHES?
NYLON OR BRISTLE?
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248. STRONG-TUFTED,
ATTRACTIVE COLORS.
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249. NO. REALLY,
THANK YOU, VICAR.
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250. OH, DEAR. TURKEY?
CUP FINAL TICKETS?
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251. NO, NO. REALLY, WE'RE
JUST NOT RELIGIOUS.
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252. THANK YOU.
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253. OH, WELL. BYE-BYE.
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254. BYE-BYE, VICAR.
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255. REMEMBER,
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256. JEWELRY, ASCOT,
WATER HEATERS...
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257. THANK YOU, VICAR.
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258. IT'S FUNNY,
ISN'T IT, HOW...
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259. HOW YOUR BEST FRIEND CAN
JUST BLOW UP LIKE THAT?
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260. YOU WOULDN'T THINK IT WAS
MEDICALLY POSSIBLE, WOULD YOU?
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261. THIS IS WHERE MRS. SHAZAM
WAS SO WRONG.
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262. EXPLODING IS A PERFECTLY NORMAL
MEDICAL PHENOMENON.
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263. IN MANY FIELDS OF MEDICINE
NOWADAYS
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264. A DOSE OF DYNAMITE
CAN DO A WORLD OF GOOD.
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265. FOR INSTANCE, ATHLETE'S FOOT...
AN IRRITATING CONDITION...
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266. CAN BE CURED BY APPLYING
A SMALL CHARGE OF TNT
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267. BETWEEN EACH TOE...
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268. EXCUSE ME.
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269. HELLO. I'M
YOUR NEW VICAR.
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270. CAN I INTEREST YOU
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271. IN ANY OF THESE
WATCHES, PENS OR BIROS?
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272. NO. I'M NOT RELIGIOUS,
I'M AFRAID.
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273. OH. SOUVENIRS, BADGES
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274. LITTLE NODDY DOG FOR
THE BACK OF THE CAR?
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275. NO. THANK YOU, VICAR.
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276. GOOD MORNING.
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277. NOW, MANY
OF THE MEDICAL PROFESSION
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278. ARE SKEPTICAL ABOUT MY WORK.
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279. THEY POINT TO MY RECORD
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280. OF TREATMENT
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281. 84 DEAD, 65 SEVERELY WOUNDED
AND 12 MISSING, BELIEVED CURED.
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282. BUT THEN,
PEOPLE LAUGHED AT BOB HOPE.
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283. THEY LAUGHED AT MY WIFE
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284. WHEN SHE WRAPPED HERSELF UP
IN GREASE-PROOF PAPER
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285. AND HOPPED
INTO THE SOCIAL SECURITY OFFICE.
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286. BUT THAT DOESN'T MEAN
THAT PASTEUR WAS WRONG.
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287. LOOK, I'LL SHOW YOU WHAT I MEAN.
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288. WATCH IT, MATE.
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289. I'M NOT GOING
TO STAND AROUND HERE
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290. GETTING POKED
AND PRODDED ALL DAY.
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291. I'M OFF.
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292. I'VE GOT A DECENT BODY.
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293. ALL I GET IS POKED AND PRODDED
IN THE CHEST.
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294. WELL, I'M OFF. I'M GOING
TO GET ANOTHER LINE OF WORK.
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295. WATCH IT!
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296. DON'T GO ANY FURTHER!
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297. TURN BACK!
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298. STOP! STOP!
PLEASE! OH, STOP!
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299. OH, MY GOD!
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300. HE'S FALLEN OFF THE EDGE
OF THE CARTOON!
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301. WELL, SO MUCH FOR THAT LINK.
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302. JOHN COBBLEY IS THE MUSICAL
AND ARTISTIC DIRECTOR
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303. OF COVENT GARDEN.
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304. HE IS HIMSELF
A TALENTED MUSICIAN
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305. HE'S A WORLD-FAMOUS AUTHORITY
ON 19th CENTURY RUSSIAN MUSIC
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306. AND HE'S COME
INTO THE STUDIO TONIGHT
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307. TO TALK
ABOUT TSCHAIKOWSKY...
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308. WHICH IS
A BIT OF A PITY
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309. AS THIS IS FARMING CLUB.
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310. AND ON FARMING CLUB
TONIGHT
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311. WE'LL BE TAKING A LOOK
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312. AT THE MINISTRY'S
LATEST PREVENTATIVE PROPOSALS
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313. TO DEAL WITH POSSIBLE OUTBREAKS
OF FOOT-AND-MOUTH.
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314. WE'LL BE TALKING LATER ON
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315. TO THE MAN WHO BELIEVES
THAT MILK YIELDS
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316. CAN BE INCREASED
DRAMATICALLY
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317. BUT FIRST,
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318. "THE LIFE OF TSCHAIKOWSKY."
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319. TSCHAIKOWSKY...
WAS HE THE TORTURED SOUL
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320. WHO POURED OUT
HIS IMMORTAL LONGINGS
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321. INTO DIGNIFIED PASSAGES
OF STATELY MUSIC
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322. OR WAS HE JUST AN OLD POOF
WHO WROTE TUNES?
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323. TONIGHT, ON FARMING CLUB
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324. WE'RE GOING TO TAKE
AN INTIMATE LOOK AT TSCHAIKOWSKY
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325. AND AN INTIMATE LOOK
AT HIS FRIENDS.
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326. INCIDENTALLY,
BBC PUBLICATIONS
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327. HAVE PREPARED
A SPECIAL PAMPHLET
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328. TO GO WITH THIS PROGRAM
CALLED HELLO, PIANIST
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329. AND IT CONTAINS MATERIAL
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330. WHICH SOME PEOPLE
MIGHT FIND OFFENSIVE
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331. BUT WHICH
IS REALLY SMASHING.
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332. PETER ILYTCH TSCHAIKOWSKY
WAS BORN IN 1840
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333. IN A KEN RUSSELL FILM
JUST OUTSIDE ST. PETERSBURG.
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334. HIS FATHER LEO McKERN...
A FREELANCE BISHOP...
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335. WAS MARRIED TO VERA PLACHENKA...
JULIE CHRISTIE...
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336. BUT SECRETLY DEEPLY IN LOVE
WITH MARGO FARENKA...
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337. SHIRLEY ABICAIR...
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338. AND THE STRANGELY FLATULENT
MADAME RANEVSKY...
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339. NORRIS McWHIRTER.
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340. SOON, HOWEVER, THE FAMILY...
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341. ELDRIDGE CLEAVER, MOIRA LISTER
AND STAN THE BAT...
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342. MOVED TO THE NEIGHBORING
INDUSTRIAL VILLAGE OF OMSK...
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343. EDDIE WARING...
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344. WHERE THEY SOON
FOUND THEMSELVES, SADLY
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345. QUITE UNABLE TO COPE...
ANTHONY BARBER.
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346. IN 1863, HOWEVER,
TSCHAIKOWSKY
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347. WAS SENT TO MOSCOW
TO STUDY THE PIANO
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348. AND WHEN HE'D
FINISHED THAT
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349. THE LIVING ROOM.
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350. MAURICE TAKES
UP THE STORY.
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351. WELL, GUESS WHAT?
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352. THE VERY NEXT THING HE DID
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353. WAS TO GO TO THIS EXTRAORDINARY,
BUT EXTRAORDINARY DUCKETY-POOS
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354. SEMl-MONDRIAN HOUSE
IN ROBIN, RUSSIA.
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355. HARRY HERE TAMMY TSCHAIKOWSKY
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356. WROTE SOME OF THE MOST
SAMMY SUPER SYMPHONIES
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357. YOU'VE EVER HENRY HEARD
IN THE WHOLE OF YOUR LILY LIFE.
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358. SHE WAS SUCH A GOOD COMPOSER
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359. THAT EVERYBODY, BUT EVERYBODY,
WANTED TO KNOW
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360. AND QUITE RIGHT, TOO
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361. 'CAUSE SHE WROTE
SOME LOVELY BITS
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362. SUCH AS "SALLY SLEEPING BEAUTY,"
"PATSY PATHETIQUE"
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363. "ADRIAN 1812,"
AND LOTS OF CONNIE CONCERTI
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364. FOR VERA VIOLIN
AND PETER PIANO FANNY FORTE.
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365. BUT WHAT DO WE REALLY KNOW
OF THIS TORTURED PONCE?
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366. WELL, IF YOU CAN IMAGINE
THE SIZE OF NELSON'S COLUMN
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367. WHICH IS ROUGHLY THREE TIMES
THE SIZE OF A LONDON BUS
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368. THEN TSCHAIKOWSKY
WAS MUCH SMALLER.
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369. HIS HEAD WAS ABOUT THE SAME SIZE
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370. AS THAT
OF AN EXTREMELY LARGE DOG...
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371. THAT IS TO SAY,
TWO VERY SMALL DOGS
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372. OR FOUR VERY LARGE HAMSTERS,
OR ONE MEDIUM-SIZED RABBIT
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373. IF YOU COUNT
THE WHOLE OF THE BODY
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374. AND NOT JUST THE HEAD.
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375. UH, ROBIN?
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376. UH, THANK YOU.
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377. WELL, HERE'S A THREE-STAGE MODEL
OF TSCHAIKOWSKY.
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378. HERE YOU SEE THE LEGS,
USED FOR WALKING AROUND
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379. AND WHICH CAN BE JETTISONED
AT NIGHT
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380. AND, UM,
THIS IS THE MAIN TRUNK...
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381. THE POWERHOUSE
OF THE WHOLE THING...
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382. INCORPORATING, OF COURSE,
THE NAUGHTY BITS
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383. WHICH WERE EXTREMELY NAUGHTY
FOR HIS TIME
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384. AND THE WHOLE THING
IS SUBSERVIENT
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385. THE, AS IT WERE, HEAD
OF THE WHOLE, AS IT WERE, BODY.
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386. ROBIN?
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387. PETER?
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388. SIMON.
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389. MAURICE.
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390. ME.
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391. WELL...
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392. POOR PET, SHE WAS LIKE
A LOST LAMB IN AN ABATTOIR.
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393. EVENTUALLY, SHE DICKIE DIED
OF COLIN CHOLERA
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394. IN ST. PATSY PETERSBURG,
IN GERTIE GREAT PERCY PAIN.
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395. HERE TO PLAY TSCHAIKOWSKY'S
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396. FIRST PIANO CONCERTO
IN B-FLAT MINOR
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397. IS THE WORLD-FAMOUS SOLOIST
SVIATOSLA V RICHTER.
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398. DURING THE PERFORMANCE
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399. HE WILL ESCAPE FROM A SACK,
THREE PADLOCKS
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400. AND A PAIR OF HANDCUFFS.
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401. GOOD EVENING.
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402. THIS NEW SERIES OF
TRIM-JEANS THEATRE PRESENTS
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403. WILL ENABLE YOU TO EN JOY
THE POETRY OF T.S. ELIOT
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404. WHILST LOSING UNSIGHTLY
TUMMY BULGE.
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405. JEAN.
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406. WELL, YES,
AND THE INCHES STAY OFF. MARK?
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407. TERRIFIC. THRILL
TO THOMAS A BECKET'S
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408. KIERKEGAARDIAN
MOMENT OF CHOICE
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409. WHILST MAKING YOUR PHYSIQUE
TIGHTER, FIRMER, NEATER.
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410. I AM HERE!
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411. NO TRAITOR
TO THE KING.
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412. ABSOLVE
ALL THOSE
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413. YOU HAVE
EXCOMMUNICATED.
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414. RESIGN
THOSE POWERS
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415. YOU HAVE
ABROGATED.
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416. RENEW
THE OBEDIENCE
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417. YOU HAVE
VIOLATED.
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418. LOSE INCHES
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419. OFF YOUR HIPS,
THIGHS
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420. BUTTOCKS
AND ABDOMEN.
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421. A TERRIFIC PRODUCT.
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422. TERRIFIC!
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423. AND THIS COMES COMPLETE
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424. WITH THE MOST
REVOLUTIONARY GUARANTEE
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425. IN SLENDERIZING
HISTORY.
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426. THIS WAS KEVIN
FRANCIS BEFORE LAST SEASON'S
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427. TRIM-JEANS' PLAY
OF THE MONTH PRODUCTION
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428. OF THE SEAGULL BYANTON CHEKHOV
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429. AND THE SAUNA BELT
TRIM-JEAN COMPANY, LIMITED.
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430. SEE? KEVIN HAS SLIPPED
INTO HIS SLENDERIZING GARMENT
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431. AND IS INFLATING IT WITH
THE HANDY LITTLE PUMP PROVIDED.
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432. THREE ACTS AND A FEW
SPECIAL TORSO EXERCISES LATER
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433. KEVIN... AS TRIGORIN
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434. THE FAILED WRITER
OF SENTIMENTAL ROMANCES...
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435. HAS LOST OVER 33 INCHES.
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436. WOW! WHAT A DIFFERENCE.
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437. THAT ANTON CHEKHOV
CAN CERTAINLY WRITE.
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438. TERRIFIC.
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439. TERRIFIC.
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440. YES, WHY NOT JOIN US
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441. FOR A SEASON
OF CLASSIC PLAYS
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442. AND RAPID
SLENDERIZING.
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443. EN JOY SIR JOHN GIELGUD
AND SIR RALPH RICHARDSON
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444. LOSING A TOTAL OF 15 INCHES
IN DAVID STOREY'S HOME.
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445. EN JOY THE TRIM GENTLEMEN
OF VERONA
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446. AND LONG DA Y'S JOURNEY
INTO NIGHT
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447. WHILE INCHES MELT AWAY.
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448. EN JOY GLENDA JACKSON
WITH A CONSTANT SNUG FIT
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449. AND SOLID SUPPORT
IN ALL FOUR AREAS.
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450. OTHER PRODUCTIONS
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451. TREASURE ISLAND
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452. SWAN LAKE
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453. THE LIFE AND LOVES
OF TOULOUSE-LAUTREC
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454. AND THE TRIM-
JEANS' VERSION
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455. OF THE GREAT ESCAPE
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456. WITH A CAST
OF THOUSANDS
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457. LOSING WELL OVER
1,500 INCHES.
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458. WAS IST DAS?
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459. ACHTUNG! ACHTUNG!
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460. HALT! HALT!
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461. HALT!
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462. WASN'T THAT TERRIFIC,
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN?
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463. REALLY GREAT.
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464. NOW, THE NEXT ITEM
ON THE PROGRAM IS...
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465. I CAN'T STAND IT,
MAN. REALLY NOT.
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466. I'VE HAD IT
WITH THIS IDIOT
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467. EVERY NIGHT MAKING ME
SAY THE MOST INANE...
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468. REALLY TERRIFIC ACT.
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469. NOW, THE NEXT ITEM ON...
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470. I'M OFF. GONE.
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471. I CAN EXPRESS MYSELF...
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472. IF HE FEELS THE SAME
WAY I FEEL, MAN...
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473. WELCOME ABOARD, BRITISHER PIG.
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474. QUITE A LITTLE SURPRISE, JA?
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475. BUT PERHAPS YOU WOULD BE SO KIND
AS TO TELL US ALL YOU KNOW
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476. ABOUT CERTAIN ALLIED
SHIPPING ROUTES, JA?
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477. COME ON, TALK!
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478. HELLO, FRITZ.
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479. THE TABLES SEEM
TO HAVE TURNED, OLD CHAP.
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480. LET'S SEE HOW YOU LIKE A BIT
OF YOUR OWN MEDICINE, EH?
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481. COME ON, FRITZ, NOW TELL US...
TELL US ABOUT...
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482. AH, GLEETINGS, CAPITALIST DOG.
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483. VERY SORRY, BUT MUST INFORM YOU
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484. THAT YOU ARE NOW PRISONER
OF PEOPLE'S REPUBLIC.
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485. I'M VERY SORRY, COMRADE COMMANDO
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486. BUT I HAVE JUST PICKED UP
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487. A CAPITALIST SHIP
ON RADAR SCANNER.
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488. This is your captain speaking.
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489. There is no need for panic.
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490. Women and children first.
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491. Women and children first.
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492. DO NOT RUSH FOR THE LIFEBOATS
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493. WOMEN AND CHILDREN FIRST.
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494. AND INDIANS.
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495. WHY DID YOU HAVE TO GET
DRESSED UP LIKE THAT?
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496. IT WAS THE ONLY
THING LEFT.
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497. WOMEN, CHILDREN
AND RED INDIANS.
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498. AND SPACEMEN.
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499. WOMEN, CHILDREN,
RED INDIANS AND SPACEMEN.
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500. WHAT'S THAT
MEANT TO BE?
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501. WELL, IT'S A SORT
OF IMPRESSION
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502. OF WHAT A KIND OF
RENAISSANCE COURTIER ARTIST
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503. MIGHT HAVE LOOKED
LIKE AT THE COURTS
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504. OF ONE OF THE
GREAT FAMILIES
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505. LIKE THE MEDICIS
OR THE BORGIAS.
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506. NO, IT'S NOT.
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507. IT'S MORE FLEMISH
THAN ITALIAN.
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508. YES. THAT'S A
FLEMISH MERCHANT
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509. OF THE 15th
OR 16th CENTURIES.
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510. WHAT? WITH THESE TASSELS?
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511. YES, YES.
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512. THEY HAD THOSE
FITTED DOUBLETS GOING...
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513. TAPERING DOWN
INTO THE FULL HOSE, YOU KNOW.
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514. EXACTLY LIKE THAT.
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515. ONE MOMENT, PLEASE.
DON'T PANIC.
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516. NOW, WHAT'S IT MEANT TO BE?
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517. I'VE GOT TO TELL THEM
SOMETHING.
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518. IS IT A FLEMISH MERCHANT?
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519. NO, IT IS NOT
A FLEMISH MERCHANT.
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520. IT'S MORE
A SORT OF IDEALIZED VERSION
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521. OF THE COMPLETE
RENAISSANCE MAN.
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522. OH, ALL RIGHT.
NO, IT'S NOT.
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523. ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT,
ALL RIGHT.
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524. THIS IS YOUR
CAPTAIN SPEAKING.
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525. DO NOT RUSH
FOR THE LIFEBOATS.
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526. WOMEN, CHILDREN,
RED INDIANS
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527. spacemen
and sort of idealized versions
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528. of the complete
Renaissance man first.
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529. FLEMISH MERCHANTS
DID NOT WEAR
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530. HAND-EMBROIDERED
CHEVRONS!
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531. THEY DID NOT!
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532. YES, GOMEZ?
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533. "WE FOUND THEM WALKING
ON THE BEACH, MY CAPTAIN."
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534. GOMEZ, WHY CAN'T YOU
SAY THIS?
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535. WHAT? OH, I SEE.
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536. WE CAN'T AFFORD IT. AH!
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537. YOU SEE, THE BBC HAS TO PAY AN
ACTOR 20 GUINEAS IF HE SPEAKS
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538. AND IT MAKES A BIT OF
A HOLE IN THE BUDGET.
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539. 28 GUINEAS, SIR.
OH, SORRY!
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540. YOU FOOL, GOMEZ!
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541. THAT'S 28 GUINEAS.
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542. WHAT ABOUT ME, SIR?
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543. ARE YOU SUPPOSED TO SPEAK?
NO, SIR.
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544. WELL, YOU'VE JUST SPOKEN!
OH, SORRY, SIR.
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545. YOU FOOL, THAT'S 56 GUINEAS
BEFORE WE'VE EVEN STARTED!
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546. YES?
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547. WHAT DID HE DO THAT FOR?
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548. IT'S A STUNT, SIR...
AN EXTRA 20 GUINEAS.
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549. LOOK, WE CAN'T
AFFORD IT!
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550. THE BBC IS SHORT
OF MONEY AS IT IS.
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551. THE BBC WISHES TO DENY RUMORS
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552. THAT IT IS GOING
INTO LIQUIDATION.
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553. MRS. KELLY, WHO OWNS THE FLAT
WHERE THEY LIVE
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554. HAS SAID THAT THEY CAN STAY ON
TILL THE END OF THE MONTH...
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555. AND WE'VE JUST HEARD
THAT HUW WELDON'S WATCH
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556. HAS BEEN ACCEPTED
BY THE LONDON ELECTRICITY BOARD
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557. AND TRANSMISSIONS
FOR THIS EVENING
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558. CAN BE CONTINUED AS PLANNED.
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559. WELL, THAT'S ALL FROM ME, SO...
GOOD NIGHT.
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560. ARE YOU GOING TO
BE IN THERE ALL NIGHT?
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561. IT'S JUST A BULLETIN,
MR. KELLY.
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562. AND NOW, BACK TO THE STORY.
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563. COMMENCE!
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564. ALL RIGHT!
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565. WE FOUND THESE MEN WALKING
ON THE BEACH, MY CAPITAN.
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566. WE'RE BRITISH
NAVAL OFFICERS
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567. AND ENTITLED TO BE...
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568. IT'S PUSS!
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569. HELLO, PUSS.
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570. HELLO, CHILDREN.
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571. STOP! STOP THIS ADAPTATION
OF PUSS-IN-BOOTS!
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572. THIS IS THE POLICE DEPARTMENT
OF THE STATE OF VENEZUELA.
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573. OH, NO, IT ISN'T.
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574. OH, YES, IT IS!
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575. OH, NO, IT ISN'T!
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576. OH, YES, IT IS!
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577. OH, NO, IT ISN'T!
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578. SHUT UP! SHUT UP!
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579. NOW, I'M GOING
TO ASK YOU SOME QUESTIONS
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580. AND REMEMBER, IF YOU DO NOT
GIVE ME CORRECT ANSWERS
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581. WE HAVE WAYS
OF MAKING YOU ANSWER.
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582. LIKE NOT PAYING 28 GUINEAS.
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583. SHUT UP!
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584. NOW, WHAT SHIP ARE YOU FROM?
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585. WE ARE FROM
THE SS MOTHER GOOSE.
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586. WE WERE 12 DAYS OUT FROM
PORT OF SPAIN AND I...
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587. I GOT 30 BOB
FOR THE TROUSERS!
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588. WE ARE FROM THE
SS MOTHER GOOSE.
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589. WE WERE 12 DAYS OUT
FROM PORT OF SPAIN
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590. AND ONE NIGHT, I WAS
DOING MY USUAL ROUNDS
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591. WHEN I HAD OCCASION
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592. TO PASS THE FORWARD
STORAGE LOCKERS...
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593. GO ON.
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594. OH, UM...
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595. WELL, I-I NOTICED
SOMETHING UNUSUAL.
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596. THE MAIN BILGE HATCHES
HAD BEEN OPENED
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597. AND THERE, CROUCHING
AMIDST THE SCUPPERS
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598. WAS THE MOST
GHASTLY CREATURE
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599. I'VE EVER SEEN
IN MY LIFE.
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600. AS SOON AS IT SAW ME
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601. ITS HORRIBLE FACE
SPLIT ASIDE
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602. IN A GHASTLY LOOK
OF TERROR.
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603. ITS HEAD,
WHICH WAS LIKE...
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604. COULD YOU SIGN
THIS, PLEASE?
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605. A SMALL, A SMALL RAT.
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606. IT WAS GHASTLY
AND HORRIBLE AND BEFURRED.
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607. ITS LITTLE
RED EYES GLINTED
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608. IN THE UNACCUSTOMED
GLARE OF THE MIDDAY SUN
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609. AND BEFORE I COULD
SHUT THE HATCH
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610. IT SPRANG UPON ME
WITH ONE ALMIGHTY...
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611. WHAT THIS ABOUT DOING
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612. HORSE OF THE YEAR SHOW
IN HERE TONIGHT?
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613. I'M SORRY,
MRS. KELLY.
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614. WE DON'T KNOW, I'M AFRAID.
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615. THIS IS DRAMA.
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616. MR. FOX TOLD ME
BEFORE HE WENT DOWN TO THE PUB
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617. THAT THEY'RE DOING
HORSE OF THE YEAR SHOW
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618. IN HERE TONIGHT AT 9:10.
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619. THIS IS BBC TWO.
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620. I THINK BBC ONE
ARE IN THE KITCHEN.
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621. WELL, I'M NOT
HAVING HARVEY SMITH
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622. JUMPING
OVER MY BINETTE.
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623. NO. COME ON!
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624. TEARING AT MY THROAT,
RIPPING MY CLOTHES...
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625. AND TURN THE GAS OFF
BEFORE YOU LEAVE!
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626. ALL RIGHT!
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627. I FOUGHT IT WITH
ALL MY STRENGTH
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628. BUT IT WAS
TOO MUCH FOR ME.
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629. ITS SUPERNATURAL POWERS...
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630. Another clear round
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631. for Harvey Smith on O'Malley.
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632. And now it's Mrs. David
Barker riding Atalanta, number three.
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633. RIGHT! THAT'S IT.
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634. COME ON, OUT, OUT,
ALL OF YOU!
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635. GET OUT OF MY KITCHEN!
COME ON!
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636. HARVEY SMITH...
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637. GET OUT OF THERE!
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638. IT'S ONE OF OUR
MOST POPULAR PROGRAMS.
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639. THAT'S WHAT YOU
THINK, MR. FOX.
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640. WELL, THAT'S ALL FROM
BBC TELEVISION FOR THIS EVENING.
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641. COME ON!
GET OUT! OUT!
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642. GET OUT
OF MY HOUSE!
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643. OUT! OUT!
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644. GET OUT!
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645. TONIGHT, FROM LONDON
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646. YOUR SPECIAL GUESTS ARE
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647. LULU...
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648. RINGO STARR...
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649. AND THE MAN YOU'VE ALL
BEEN WAITING FOR...
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650. YOUR HOST FOR TONIGHT...
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651. LOVE THE OUTFIT, DEAR.
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652. IT'S GORGEOUS.
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653. HELLO. GOOD EVENING.
WELCOME.
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654. IT'S...
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