Monty Python's Flying Circus 3x2

1. ANNOUNCER: The Kon-Tiki!

2. Ra 1!

3. Ra 2!

4. And now...

5. Mr. and Mrs. Brian Norris' Ford Popular!

6. NARRATOR: Who, a year ago, had heard

7. of 37 Gledhill Gardens,

8. Parsons Green?

9. And yet their epic journey

10. in EBW 343

11. has set them alongside

12. Thor Heyerdahl

13. and Sir Edmund Hillary.

14. Starting only with a theory,

15. Mr. Norris set out to prove

16. that the inhabitants

17. of Hounslow

18. could have been descendants

19. of the people of Surbiton,

20. who had made

21. the great trek north.

22. No newcomer to this field,

23. Mr. Norris'

24. A Short History of Motor

25. Traffic Between Purley and Esher

26. had become a bestselling

27. minor classic

28. in the car-swapping belt.

29. But why would the people

30. of Surbiton go to Hounslow?

31. Mr. Norris had noticed

32. three things.

33. Firstly, the similarity

34. of houses.

35. Secondly, the similarity

36. of costume

37. between Hounslow and Surbiton.

38. And thirdly,

39. the similarity of speech.

40. Are you still running

41. the GDBDMDB?

42. Uh, yes, but I've had

43. the excess nipples woppled

44. to remove tamping.

45. Jolly good.

46. Were these just coincidences,

47. or were they,

48. as Mr. Norris believed,

49. part of an identical

50. cultural background?

51. One further discovery

52. convinced him:

53. the lawn mower.

54. Surely, such a sophisticated

55. household gadget

56. could not have been

57. generated independently

58. in two separate areas.

59. Mr. Norris was convinced.

60. MR. NORRIS:

61. I'm convinced.

62. NARRATOR:

63. But how to prove it?

64. MR. NORRIS:

65. But how to prove it?

66. NARRATOR:

67. There was only one way to see

68. if the journey between

69. Surbiton and Hounslow was possible.

70. And that was

71. to try and make it.

72. Months of preparation followed

73. while Mr. Norris continued his research

74. in the Putney Public Library

75. and Mrs. Norris

76. made sandwiches.

77. Finally, by April,

78. they were ready.

79. [♪]

80. On the 23rd, Mr. and Mrs. Norris set out

81. to motor the 15 miles

82. to Surbiton

83. watched by a crowd

84. of local well-wishers.

85. That evening, they dined at Tooting.

86. This would be the last

87. they'd see of civilization.

88. Mr. Norris' diary for the 23rd

89. reveals the extraordinary

90. calmness

91. and deep inner peacefulness

92. of his mind.

93. MR. NORRIS:

94. Seven-thirty, fed cat. Eight o'clock, breakfast.

95. Eight-thirty, yes,

96. successfully.

97. Nine o'clock,

98. set out on historic journey.

99. NARRATOR:

100. On the morning of the 24th, early, to avoid the traffic,

101. Mr. Norris' historic

102. expedition set out from Surbiton.

103. Destination: Hounslow.

104. Early on, they began

105. to perceive encouraging signs.

106. The writing on the sign

107. was almost exactly the same

108. as the writing in the AA book.

109. They were on the right route.

110. During the long hours

111. of the voyage

112. Mr. Norris' wife, Betty,

113. kept a complete

114. photographic record

115. and made sandwiches.

116. This is some

117. of the unique footage

118. which Mrs. Norris got back

119. from the chemist's.

120. Mile succeeded mile

121. and the terrific strain

122. was beginning to tell,

123. when suddenly...

124. by an amazing stroke of luck

125. Mr. Norris had come across

126. the Kingston bypass.

127. This was something

128. to tell the roundtable.

129. At this stage,

130. Mr. Norris was faced

131. with two major

132. divergent theories

133. concerning his

134. Surbiton ancestors.

135. Did they take

136. the Kingston bypass,

137. turning left at Barnes

138. or did they strike west

139. up the A308

140. via Norbiton to Hampton Wick?

141. Both these theories ran up

142. against one big obstacle:

143. The Thames,

144. lying like a silver turd

145. between Richmond

146. and Isleworth.

147. This was a major setback.

148. How could they possibly

149. cross the river?

150. Several hours of thought

151. produced nothing.

152. There was only one

153. flask of coffee left

154. when suddenly, Mr. Norris

155. spotted something.

156. Could this have been the method used?

157. Hardly daring to believe,

158. Mr. Norris led his expedition onto the 3:47.

159. Forty minutes later,

160. via Clapham, Fulham,

161. Chiswick and Brentford,

162. they approached their goal:

163. Hounslow.

164. Was this, then,

165. the final proof?

166. Something aroused

167. the accountant's instinct

168. buried deep

169. in Mr. Norris' makeup.

170. The journey was possible,

171. and yet...

172. "Wrong-way" Norris

173. had accidentally stumbled

174. on a piece

175. of anthropological history.

176. It was the inhabitants

177. of Hounslow

178. who had made

179. the great trek south

180. to the sunnier pastures

181. of Surbiton

182. and not vice versa,

183. as he had originally surmised.

184. This was the secret

185. of Surbiton.

186. Happy and contented,

187. Mr. Norris returned

188. to the calmer waters

189. of chartered accountancy

190. for, in his way,

191. "Wrong-way" Norris was right.

192. [♪]

193. And now-- It's...

194. [♪]

195. MAN: Monty Python's Flying Circus.

196. Knock, enter and approach.

197. [KNOCK ON DOOR]

198. Right. It's come to my notice

199. that certain boys have been

200. running a unit-trust-linked assurance scheme

201. with fringe benefits

202. and full cash-in endowment facilities.

203. Apparently, small investors

204. were attracted

205. by the wide-ranging portfolio

206. and that in the first week,

207. the limited offer

208. was oversubscribed eight times.

209. It was Tidwell's idea, sir.

210. Shut up, I haven't finished.

211. Oh, by the way,

212. congratulations on winning

213. the Italian Grand Prix

214. at Monza.

215. Thank you, sir.

216. Shut up.

217. Now, then, this sort

218. of extracurricular

219. capitalist expansion

220. has got to stop.

221. I made it quite clear,

222. when Potter tried

223. to go public last term

224. that these massive

225. stock-exchange deals

226. must not happen

227. in Big School.

228. Is that clear, Balderston?

229. Yes, sir.

230. Oh, and, Balderston,

231. next time you do a Panorama report on the black ghettos

232. you must get an exeat form

233. from Mr. Dibley.

234. Sorry, sir.

235. Shut up.

236. And stop slouching.

237. Now, the reason I called you

238. in here today

239. is that my wife is having

240. a little trouble with her, um...

241. with her waterworks.

242. And I think she needs

243. a bit of attention.

244. Now, which one of you

245. is the surgeon?

246. Come on, I know one of you is. Now, which one is it?

247. Ah. Tidwell. Good.

248. I want you to come along

249. and have a look at the wife.

250. Sir, why don't you ask

251. Stebbins? He's a gynecologist.

252. Oh, you rotten

253. stinker, Tidwell.

254. Tch!

255. Is this true, Stebbins?

256. Are you a gynecologist?

257. Yes, sir.

258. Right, just the man.

259. How much you charge?

260. Thirty guineas, sir.

261. Excellent. Right.

262. I want you to go along,

263. see the wife.

264. Give her a full examination.

265. Let me know the results

266. by the end of break.

267. And don't pick your nose.

268. [♪]

269. Hello.

270. Well, last week we showed you

271. how to become a gynecologist.

272. And this week

273. on How To Do It

274. we're going to show you

275. how to play the flute,

276. how to split an atom,

277. how to construct

278. a box-girder bridge,

279. how to irrigate

280. the Sahara desert

281. and make vast new areas

282. of land cultivatable.

283. But first, here's Jackie

284. to tell you all

285. how to rid the world

286. of all known diseases.

287. Hello, Alan.

288. Hello, Jackie.

289. Well, first of all,

290. become a doctor

291. and discover a marvelous cure

292. for something.

293. When the medical profession

294. starts to take notice of you

295. you can tell them what to do,

296. make sure they get

297. everything right

298. so there'll never be

299. any diseases ever again.

300. Thanks, Jackie.

301. Great idea.

302. And now, how to play the flute.

303. Well, here we are.

304. You blow there and you move

305. your fingers up and down here.

306. Great. Great. Great, Alan.

307. Well, next week

308. we'll be showing you

309. how black and white people

310. can live together

311. in peace and harmony.

312. And Alan will be over in

313. Moscow

314. showing us how to reconcile

315. the Russians and the Chinese.

316. So, until next week, cheerio.

317. Bye.

318. Bye-bye.

319. [♪]

320. [CHATTING INDISTINCTLY]

321. Oh, yes, he's such a clever

322. little boy.

323. Just like his father.

324. Oh, do you think so,

325. Mrs. Nigger-Baiter?

326. Oh, yes. Spitting image.

327. Mmm.

328. Good afternoon, Mother.

329. Afternoon, Mrs. Nigger-Baiter.

330. Oh, he's walking already.

331. Yes, he's such

332. a clever little boy. Aren't you, hoochie-coo?

333. Hello, hoochie-coo.

334. Look at him laughing, eh?

335. Yeah.

336. He's a chirpy little fellow,

337. isn't he?

338. Isn't he a chirpy

339. little fellow, eh?

340. Does he talk?

341. Does he talk, eh?

342. Of course I can talk.

343. I'm Minister for Overseas Development.

344. Oooh!

345. Clever little boy.

346. He's a clever little boy.

347. Do you like

348. your rattle, eh?

349. Do you like your rattle?

350. Look at his little eyes

351. following it, eh?

352. Look at his iggy-tiggy-biggy

353. little eyeballs.

354. Oh, he's got

355. a tubby tum-tum.

356. Oh, he's got a tubby

357. tum-tum.

358. Mother, could I have

359. a quick cup of tea, please?

360. I have an important statement

361. on Rhodesia to make in the Commons at six.

362. [CRASH]

363. [MOAN]

364. Mrs. Nigger-Baiter's

365. exploded.

366. Good thing too.

367. She was my best friend.

368. Oh, Mother, don't be

369. so sentimental.

370. Things explode every day.

371. Yes, I suppose so.

372. Anyway, I didn't really

373. like her that much.

374. [DOORBELL RINGS]

375. Ooh.

376. Hello, I'm your new vicar.

377. Can I interest you

378. in any encyclopedias?

379. No, thank you.

380. We're not church people,

381. thank you.

382. How about brushes?

383. Nylon or bristle?

384. Strong-tufted,

385. attractive colors.

386. No, really,

387. thank you, vicar.

388. Oh, dear. Turkey?

389. Cup Final tickets?

390. No. No, really.

391. We're just not religious. Thank you.

392. Oh, well. Bye-bye.

393. Bye-bye, vicar.

394. If you do want anything,

395. jewellery,

396. Ascot water heaters...

397. Thank you, vicar.

398. It's funny, isn't it, how--

399. How your best friend

400. can just blow up like that.

401. I mean, you wouldn't think

402. it was medically possible, would you?

403. This is where Mrs. Shazam

404. was so wrong.

405. Exploding is a perfectly

406. normal medical phenomenon.

407. In many fields

408. of medicine nowadays,

409. a dose of dynamite

410. can do a world of good.

411. For instance, athlete's foot,

412. an irritating condition,

413. can be cured

414. by applying a small charge

415. of TNT between each toe. [DOORBELL RINGS]

416. Excuse me.

417. Hello, I'm your new vicar.

418. Can I interest you in any of

419. these watches, pens or biros?

420. No, I'm not religious,

421. I'm afraid.

422. Oh, souvenirs, badges,

423. little noddy dog for the back of the car?

424. No, thank you, vicar.

425. Good morning. Morning.

426. Now, many of the medical profession

427. are skeptical

428. about my work.

429. They point to my record

430. of treatment

431. of athlete's foot sufferers:

432. Eighty-four dead,

433. 65 severely wounded

434. and 12 missing,

435. believed cured.

436. But then, people laughed

437. at Bob Hope.

438. They laughed at my wife

439. when she wrapped herself up

440. in greaseproof paper

441. and hopped into

442. the Social Security office.

443. But that doesn't mean

444. that Pasteur was wrong.

445. Look, I'll show you

446. what I mean.

447. Watch it, mate.

448. I'm not gonna stay

449. around here getting poked and prodded all day.

450. I'm off.

451. I've got a decent body.

452. I get poked and prodded

453. in the chest.

454. I'm gonna get another

455. line of work.

456. MAN 1:

457. Watch it!

458. Turn back. Stop.

459. MAN 2:

460. Please! Oh, stop!

461. [SCREAMS]

462. MAN 1:

463. Oh, my God, he's fallen off the edge of the cartoon.

464. MAN 2:

465. Well, so much for that link.

466. John Cobbley is the musical

467. and artistic director of Covent Garden.

468. He is himself

469. a talented musician,

470. he's a world-famous authority

471. on 19th-century Russian music,

472. and he's come

473. into the studio tonight

474. to talk about Tchaikovsky.

475. Which is a bit of a pity,

476. as this is Farming Club.

477. And on Farming Club tonight we'll take a look

478. at the Ministry's

479. latest preventative proposals

480. to deal with possible

481. outbreaks of foot-and-mouth.

482. We'll be talking

483. later on to the man

484. who believes that milk yields

485. can be increased dramatically.

486. But first,

487. a Farming Club special:

488. The Life of Tchaikovsky.

489. [♪]

490. Tchaikovsky. Was he the tortured soul

491. who poured out

492. his immortal longings

493. into dignified passages

494. of stately music?

495. Or was he just an old poof

496. who wrote tunes?

497. Tonight on Farming Club

498. we're going to take

499. an intimate look at Tchaikovsky

500. and an intimate look

501. at his friends.

502. Incidentally, BBC publications

503. have prepared a special

504. pamphlet to go with this program

505. called Hello Pianist.

506. And it contains material

507. which some people

508. might find offensive

509. but which is really smashing.

510. Peter Ilyich Tchaikovsky was

511. born in 1840 in a Ken Russell film

512. just outside Saint Petersburg.

513. His father, Leo McKern,

514. a freelance bishop,

515. was married to Vera Plachenka,

516. Julie Christie,

517. but secretly deeply in love

518. with Margo Farenka,

519. Shirley Abicair,

520. and the strangely flatulent

521. Madame Ranevsky,

522. Norris McWhirter.

523. Soon, however, the family,

524. Eldridge Cleaver, Moira Lister

525. and Stan the Bat,

526. moved to the neighboring

527. industrial village of Omsk,

528. Eddie Waring, where they soon

529. found themselves, sadly,

530. quite unable to cope,

531. Anthony Barber.

532. In 1863, however,

533. Tchaikovsky was sent to Moscow

534. to study the piano.

535. And when he'd finished that,

536. the living room.

537. Maurice takes up the story.

538. Well, guess what?

539. The very next thing he did was

540. to go to this extraordinary,

541. but extraordinary

542. duckety-poos,

543. semi-Mondrian house

544. in Robin Russia.

545. Harry here,

546. Tammy Tchaikovsky wrote

547. the most Sammy

548. super symphonies

549. you've Henry heard

550. in the whole of your Lily life.

551. She was such a good composer

552. that everybody but everybody

553. wanted to know.

554. And quite right too because

555. she wrote some lovely bits

556. such as Sally

557. Sleeping Beauty,

558. Patsy "Pathétique,"

559. Adrian "1812,"

560. and lots of Conny concerti

561. for Vera "Violin"

562. and Peter "Piano" Fanny forte.

563. But what do we really know

564. of this tortured ponce?

565. Well, if you can imagine

566. the size of Nelson's Column,

567. roughly three times the size

568. of a London bus,

569. then Tchaikovsky

570. was much smaller.

571. His head was about

572. the same size

573. as that of an extremely

574. large dog.

575. That is, say,

576. two very small dogs

577. or four very large hamsters.

578. Or one medium-size rabbit

579. if you count the whole body,

580. not just the head.

581. Robin?

582. Thank you. Here's your

583. three-stage model of Tchaikovsky.

584. Um, here you see the legs,

585. used for walking around

586. which can be jettisoned

587. at night.

588. And, uh, this is

589. the main trunk,

590. the powerhouse

591. of the whole thing,

592. incorporating, of course,

593. the naughty bits

594. which were extremely naughty

595. for his time.

596. And the whole thing

597. is subservient

598. to this small command module

599. the, as it were, head of

600. the whole, as it were, body.

601. Robin.

602. Peter.

603. Simon.

604. Maurice.

605. Me. Well, poor pet,

606. she was like

607. a lost lamb in an abattoir.

608. Eventually, she Dickie died

609. of Colin cholera

610. in Saint Patsy Petersburg

611. in Gertie great Percy pain.

612. MAN: Here to play Tchaikovsky's

613. "First Piano Concerto in B-flat minor"

614. is the world-famous soloist

615. Sviatoslav Richter.

616. [APPLAUSE]

617. During the performance,

618. he will escape from a sack,

619. three padlocks

620. and a pair of handcuffs.

621. [♪]

622. [PLAYING PIANO]

623. [♪]

624. Good evening. This new series of Trim-Jeans Theatre Presents

625. will enable you to enjoy

626. the poetry of T.S. Eliot

627. whilst losing

628. unsightly tummy bulge. Jean.

629. Well, yes, um,

630. the inches stay off. Mark?

631. Terrific. Thrill

632. to Thomas à Becket's

633. Kierkegaardian

634. moment of choice

635. whilst making your physique

636. tighter, firmer, neater.

637. I am here.

638. No traitor to the king.

639. Absolve all those

640. you have excommunicated.

641. Resign those powers

642. you have abrogated.

643. Renew the obedience

644. you have violated.

645. Lose inches off your hips,

646. thighs, buttocks and abdomen.

647. A terrific product.

648. BOTH:

649. Terrific.

650. And this comes complete

651. with the most revolutionary guarantee

652. in slenderizing history.

653. This was Kevin Francis

654. before last season's

655. Trim-Jean's Play of the Month

656. production of The Seagull

657. by Anton Chekhov and the Sauna

658. Belt Trim-Jean Company Limited.

659. See? Kevin has slipped into

660. his slenderizing garment

661. and is inflating it with

662. the handy little pump provided.

663. Three acts and a few special

664. torso exercises later,

665. Kevin, as Trigorin, the failed

666. writer of sentimental romances

667. has lost over 33 inches.

668. Wow, what a difference.

669. That Anton Chekhov

670. can certainly write.

671. Terrific.

672. Yes, why not join us

673. for a season of classic plays

674. and rapid slenderizing?

675. Enjoy Sir John Gielgud

676. and Sir Ralph Richardson

677. losing a total of 15 inches

678. in David Storey's Home.

679. Enjoy The Trim Gentlemen

680. of Verona

681. and Long Day's Journey

682. Into Night

683. while inches melt away.

684. Enjoy Glenda Jackson

685. with a constant snug fit

686. and solid support

687. in all four areas.

688. Other productions

689. will include:

690. Treasure Island,

691. Swan Lake,

692. The Life and Loves

693. of Toulouse-Lautrec,

694. and the Trim-Jeans version

695. of The Great Escape

696. with a cast of thousands

697. losing well over 1500 inches.

698. [♪]

699. [SHOUTING IN GERMAN]

700. Halt! Halt!

701. [GUNSHOTS]

702. Halt!

703. Wasn't that terrific, ladies and gentlemen?

704. Now, the next item

705. on the program--

706. I can't stand it, man.

707. Really, now.

708. I've had it with this idiot.

709. Every night, making me say the most--

710. really terrific act.

711. The next item on the--

712. Hey, man, I'm off, gone,

713. split, through, eh?

714. Gonna find a gig elsewhere.

715. Somewhere that's

716. a bit cooler, man.

717. I mean, it's terrible,

718. the way I hide.

719. I think this Christmas

720. I'm gonna cool down.

721. I'm gonna get with a guy

722. who really, you know,

723. digs me, you know?

724. A man who feels--

725. Really feels the same way

726. I do, man--

727. [GURGLE, CLANKING]

728. [MUFFLED VOICE]

729. [♪]

730. GERMAN MAN: Welcome aboard, Britisher pig.

731. Quite a little surprise, ja?

732. [LAUGHS]

733. But perhaps you would be so

734. kind as to tell us all you know

735. about certain

736. Allied shipping routes, ja?

737. Come on, talk--

738. BRITISH MAN:

739. Hello, Fritz. The tables seem to have turned, old chap.

740. Let's see how you like a bit of

741. your own medicine, eh?

742. [SLAPPING SOUNDS]

743. Come on, Fritz. Now, tell us. Tell us about--

744. CHINESE MAN:

745. Oh, greetings, capitalist dog.

746. Very sorry, but must

747. inform you

748. that you are now prisoner

749. of People's Republic.

750. I'm very sorry,

751. Comrade commander,

752. but have just picked up

753. a capitalist ship

754. on radar scanner.

755. [♪]

756. MAN: This is your captain speaking.

757. There is no need for panic.

758. Women and children first.

759. I repeat that.

760. Women and children first.

761. Do not rush for the lifeboats

762. and remember,

763. women and children first.

764. And Red Indians.

765. Why did you

766. dress up like that?

767. It was the only

768. thing left.

769. All right.

770. Women, children and Red Indians.

771. And spacemen.

772. Here is a revised list:

773. Women, children, Red Indians

774. and spacemen--

775. What's that meant to be?

776. It's a sort of impression

777. of what a Renaissance courtier

778. artist might look like

779. at the courts

780. of the great families,

781. the Medicis or the Borgias.

782. No, it's not. It looks

783. more Flemish than Italian.

784. Yes, that's a Flemish merchant

785. of the 15th or 16th centuries.

786. What, with these tassels?

787. Yes, yes.

788. They had those fitted doublets

789. going tapering down into the full hose.

790. You know.

791. Exactly like that.

792. One moment, please.

793. Don't panic.

794. What's it meant to be? I've got

795. to tell them something.

796. Is it a Flemish merchant?

797. No, it is not

798. a Flemish merchant.

799. It's more a sort

800. of idealized version

801. of the complete

802. Renaissance man.

803. No, it's not.

804. All right, all right, all right.

805. This is your captain speaking.

806. Do not rush for the lifeboats.

807. Women, children,

808. Red Indians, spacemen

809. and a sort of

810. idealized version

811. of the complete

812. Renaissance men first.

813. MAN: Flemish merchants did not wear

814. They did not.

815. Yes, Gomez?

816. "We found them walking on the beach, my cap--"

817. Gomez, why can't you say this?

818. What? Oh, I see. We can't afford it.

819. Ah, you see, the BBC

820. has to pay an actor 20 guineas if he speaks

821. and it makes a bit

822. of a hole in the budget.

823. Twenty-eight guineas, sir.

824. Oh! You fool, Gomez.

825. Sorry. Sorry.

826. That's 28 guineas.

827. What about me, sir?

828. Are you supposed to speak?

829. No.

830. You've just spoken!

831. Sorry.

832. You fool, that's 56 guineas

833. before we've even started.

834. Yes?

835. [SCREAMS]

836. What did he do that for?

837. It's a stunt.

838. An extra 20 guineas.

839. Look, we can't afford it.

840. The BBC are short

841. of money as it is.

842. The BBC wishes to deny rumors

843. that it is going

844. into liquidation.

845. Mrs. Kelly, who owns the flat

846. where they live,

847. has said that they can stay on

848. till the end of the month.

849. And we've just heard that Huw Weldon's watch

850. has been accepted by the

851. London Electricity Board

852. and transmissions

853. for this evening

854. can be continued as planned.

855. [COUGHS]

856. Well, that's all from me,

857. so good night.

858. [KNOCK ON DOOR]

859. MAN:

860. Are you gonna be in there all night?

861. It's just a bulletin,

862. Mr. Kelly.

863. And now back to the story.

864. [KNOCKING ON DOOR]

865. Come out.

866. All right.

867. We found these men walking on the beach, my captain.

868. We are British naval officers,

869. and entitled to be--

870. ALL:

871. It's Puss.

872. CHILDREN'S VOICES:

873. Hello, Puss.

874. Hello, children.

875. Stop! Stop this adaptation

876. of Puss in Boots.

877. This is the police department

878. of the state of Venezuela!

879. Oh, no, it isn't.

880. Oh, yes, it is!

881. ALL:

882. Oh, no, it isn't.

883. Oh, yes, it is.

884. ALL:

885. Oh, yes, it is.

886. Oh, no, it isn't.

887. Shut up!

888. Now, I'm going to ask you

889. some questions.

890. And remember, if you do not

891. give me correct answers

892. we have ways

893. of making you answer.

894. MAN:

895. Like not paying 28 guineas.

896. Shut up!

897. Now, what ship are you from?

898. We are from the

899. SS Mother Goose.

900. We were 12 days out

901. from Port of Spain, and--

902. I got 30 bob

903. for the trousers.

904. We are from the

905. SS Mother Goose.

906. We were 12 days out

907. from Port of Spain.

908. And one night,

909. I was doing my usual rounds

910. when I had occasion to pass

911. the forward storage lockers.

912. Go on.

913. Oh, um. Well, I--

914. I noticed

915. something unusual.

916. The main bilge hatches

917. had been opened.

918. And there,

919. crouching amidst the scuppers,

920. was the most ghastly creature

921. I'd ever seen in my life.

922. As soon as it saw me,

923. its horrible face split aside

924. in a ghastly look of terror.

925. Its head,

926. which was like a--

927. Could you sign

928. this, please?

929. a small rat, was ghastly

930. and horrible and befurred.

931. Its little

932. red eyes glinted

933. in the unaccustomed glare

934. of the midday sun.

935. And before I could

936. shut the hatch

937. it sprang upon me

938. with one almighty bound--

939. What's this about doing

940. Horse of the Year Show in here tonight?

941. I'm sorry, Mrs. Kelly.

942. We don't know.

943. This is drama.

944. Mr. Fox told me,

945. before he went down to the pub,

946. they're doing

947. Horse of the Year Show in here tonight at 9:10.

948. Well, this is BBC Two.

949. BBC One are in the kitchen.

950. I'm not having Harvey Smith

951. jumping over my binette.

952. No. Come on.

953. Tearing at my throat,

954. ripping my clothes.

955. And turn the gas off

956. before you leave!

957. All right!

958. I fought it

959. with all my strength,

960. but it was

961. too much for me. It--

962. ANNOUNCER:

963. Another clear round for Harvey Smith on O'Malley.

964. And now it's Mrs. David Barker

965. riding Atalanta,

966. number three.

967. [HORSE GALLOPING]

968. [CRASH]

969. [HORSE WHINNIES]

970. Right, that's it.

971. Come on, out, out,

972. all of you.

973. Get out of my kitchen.

974. Go on. Harvey Smith.

975. Get out of here,

976. you lunkers.

977. It's one of our most

978. popular programs.

979. That's what you think,

980. Mr. Fox.

981. Well, that's all

982. from BBC television--

983. Come on, get out. Out.

984. Get out of here.

985. Out. Out. Get out.

986. Out. Out.

987. [♪]

988. [♪]

989. ANNOUNCER: Tonight, from London,

990. Lulu...

991. Ringo Starr...

992. and the man you've all been waiting for,

993. your host for tonight.

994. Love the outfit, dear. It's gorgeous.

995. Hello. Good evening.

996. Welcome.

997. It's...

998. [♪]

999. [FART] 0:25:59,399 and horrible and befurred.