1. The Kon-Tiki!
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2. R01!
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3. Ru 2!
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4. And now.
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5. Mr. and Mrs. Brian Norris' Ford Popular!
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6. Who, 0 year ago, had heard of Mr.
And Mrs. Brian Norris
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7. of 37 Gledhill Gardens, Parsons Green?
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8. And yet their epic journey in EBW 343
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9. has set them alongside Thor Heyerdahl
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10. and Sir Edmund Hillary.
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11. Starting only with a theory,
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12. Mr. Norris set out to prove
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13. that the inhabitants of Hounslow
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14. could have been descendants
of the people of Surbiton,
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15. who had made the great trek north.
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16. No newcomer to this field, Mr. Norris'
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17. A Short History of Motor Traffic
Between Purley and Esher
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18. had become a bestselling minor classic
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19. in the car-swapping belt.
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20. But why would the people
of Surbiton go to Hounslow?
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21. Mr. Norris had noticed three things.
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22. Firstly, the similarity of houses.
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23. Secondly, the similarity of costume
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24. between Hounslow and Surbiton.
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25. And thirdly, the similarity of speech.
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26. Are you still running the GDBDMDB?
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27. Uh, yes, but I've had
the excess nipples woppled
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28. to remove tamping.
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29. Jolly good.
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30. Were these just coincidences,
or were they,
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31. as Mr. Norris believed,
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32. part of an identical cultural background?
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33. One further discovery convinced him:
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34. the lawn mower.
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35. Surely, such a sophisticated
household gadget
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36. could not have been
generated independently
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37. in two separate areas.
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38. Mr. Norris was convinced.
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39. I'm convinced.
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40. But how to prove it?
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41. There was only one way to see
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42. if the journey between Surbiton
and Hounslow was possible.
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43. And that was to try and make it.
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44. Months of preparation followed while Mr.
Norris continued his research
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45. in the Putney Public Library
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46. and Mrs. Norris made sandwiches.
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47. Finally, by April, they were ready.
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48. On the 23rd, Mr. and Mrs.
Norris set out from Abide-A-Wee
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49. to motor the 15 miles to Surbiton
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50. watched by a crowd
of local well-wishers.
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51. That evening, they dined at Tooting.
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52. This would be the last
they'd see of civilization.
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53. Mr. Norris' diary for the 23rd
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54. reveals the extraordinary calmness
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55. and deep inner peacefulness
of his mind.
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56. Seven-thirty, fed cat.
Eight o'clock, breakfast.
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57. Eight-thirty, yes, successfully.
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58. Nine o'clock, set out on historic journey.
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59. On the morning of the
24th, early, to avoid the traffic,
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60. Mr. Norris' historic expedition
set out from Surbiton.
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61. Destination: Hounslow.
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62. Early on, they began to
perceive encouraging signs.
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63. The writing on the sign
was almost exactly the same
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64. as the writing in the AA book.
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65. They were on the right route.
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66. During the long hours of the voyage
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67. Mr. Norris' wife, Betty,
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68. kept a complete photographic record
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69. and made sandwiches.
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70. This is some of the unique footage
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71. which Mrs. Norris got back
from the chemist's.
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72. Mile succeeded mile
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73. and the terrific strain
was beginning to tell,
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74. when suddenly by an
amazing stroke of luck
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75. Mr. Norris had come across
the Kingston bypass.
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76. This was something
to tell the roundtable.
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77. At this stage, Mr. Norris was faced
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78. with two major divergent theories
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79. concerning his Surbiton ancestors.
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80. Did they take the Kingston bypass,
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81. turning left at Barnes
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82. or did they strike west up the A308
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83. via Norbiton to Hampton Wick?
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84. Both these theories ran up
against one big obstacle:
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85. The Thames, lying
like a silver turd
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86. between Richmond and lsleworth.
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87. This was a major setback.
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88. How could they possibly cross the river?
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89. Several hours of thought
produced nothing.
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90. There was only one flask of coffee left
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91. when suddenly, Mr. Norris
spotted something.
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92. Could this have been the method used?
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93. Hardly daring to believe, Mr. Norris
led his expedition onto the 3:47.
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94. Forty minutes later,
via Clapham, Fulham,
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95. Chiswick and Brentford,
they approached their goal:
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96. Hounslow.
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97. Was this, then, the final proof?
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98. Something aroused
the accountant's instinct
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99. buried deep in Mr. Norris' makeup.
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100. The journey was possible, and yet...
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101. "Wrong-way" Norris
had accidentally stumbled
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102. on a piece of anthropological history.
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103. It was the inhabitants of Hounslow
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104. who had made the great trek south
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105. to the sunnier pastures of Surbiton
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106. and not vice versa,
as he had originally surmised.
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107. This was the secret of Surbiton.
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108. Happy and contented,
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109. Mr. Norris returned to the calmer waters
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110. of chartered accountancy
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111. for, in his way,
"Wrong-way" Norris was right.
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112. - And now...
- It's...
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113. Monty Python's Flying Circus.
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114. Knock, enter and approach.
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115. Right. It's come to my notice
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116. that certain boys have been running a
unit-trust-linked assurance scheme
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117. with fringe benefits and full
cash-in endowment facilities.
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118. Apparently, small investors
were attracted
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119. by the wide-ranging portfolio
and that in the first week,
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120. the limited offer was
oversubscribed eight times.
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121. It was Tidwell's idea, sir.
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122. Shut up, I haven't finished.
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123. Oh, by the way,
congratulations on winning
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124. the Italian Grand Prix at Monza.
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125. - Thank you, sir.
- Shut up.
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126. Now, then, this sort of extracurricular
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127. capitalist expansion has got to stop.
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128. I made it quite clear,
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129. when Potter tried to go public last term
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130. that these massive stock-exchange deals
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131. must not happen in Big School.
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132. - Is that clear, Balderston?
- Yes, sir.
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133. Oh, and, Balderston, next time you do a
Panorama report on the black ghettos
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134. you must get an ex eat form
from Mr. Dibley.
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135. - Sorry, sir.
- Shut up.
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136. And stop slouching.
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137. Now, the reason I called you
in here today
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138. is that my wife is having a
little trouble with her, um
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139. with her waterworks.
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140. And I think she needs a bit of attention.
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141. Now, which one of you is the surgeon?
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142. Come on, I know one of you is.
Now, which one is it?
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143. Ah. Tidwell. Good.
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144. I want you to come along
and have a look at the wife.
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145. Sir, why don't you ask
Stebbins? He's a gynecologist.
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146. Oh, you rotten stinker, Tidwell.
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147. Tch!
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148. Is this true, Stebbins?
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149. - Are you a gynecologist?
- Yes, sir.
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150. Right, just the man.
How much you charge?
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151. Thirty guineas, sir.
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152. Excellent. Right.
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153. I want you to go along, see the wife.
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154. Give her a full examination.
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155. Let me know the results
by the end of break.
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156. And don't pick your nose.
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157. - Hello.
- Hello.
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158. Well, last week we showed you
how to become a gynecologist.
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159. And this week on How To Do It
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160. we're going to show you
how to play the flute,
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161. how to split an atom,
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162. how to construct a box-girder bridge,
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163. how to irrigate the Sahara desert
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164. and make vast new areas
of land cultivatable.
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165. But first, here's Jackie
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166. to tell you all how to rid the world
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167. of all known diseases.
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168. Hello, Alan.
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169. Hello, Jackie.
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170. Well, first of all, become a doctor
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171. and discover a marvelous cure
for something.
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172. When the medical profession
starts to take notice of you
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173. you can tell them what to do,
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174. make sure they get everything right
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175. so there'll never be
any diseases ever again.
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176. Thanks, Jackie. Great idea.
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177. And now, how to play the flute.
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178. Well, here we are.
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179. You blow there and you move
your fingers up and down here.
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180. Great. Great. Great, Alan.
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181. Well, next week we'll be showing you
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182. how black and white people
can live together
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183. in peace and harmony.
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184. And Alan will be over in Moscow
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185. showing us how to reconcile
the Russians and the Chinese.
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186. So, until next week, cheerio.
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187. - Bye.
- Bye.
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188. Bye-bye.
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189. Oh, yes, he's such a clever little boy.
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190. Just like his father.
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191. Oh, do you think so, Mrs. Nigger-Baiter?
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192. Oh, yes. Spitting image.
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193. - Mmm.
- Mmm.
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194. Good afternoon, Mother.
Afternoon, Mrs. Nigger-Baiter.
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195. Oh, he's walking already.
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196. Yes, he's such a clever little boy.
Aren't you, hoochie-coo?
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197. - Hello, hoochie-coo.
- Hello, hoochie-coo.
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198. - Look at him laughing, eh?
- Yeah.
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199. He's a chirpy little fellow, isn't he?
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200. Isn't he a chirpy little fellow, eh?
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201. Does he talk? Does he talk, eh?
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202. Of course I can talk. I'm Minister
for Overseas Development.
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203. Oooh!
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204. Clever little boy.
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205. He's a clever little boy.
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206. Do you like your rattle, eh?
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207. Do you like your rattle?
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208. Look at his little eyes following it, eh?
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209. Look at his Iggy-tiggy-biggy
little eyeballs.
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210. Oh, he's got a tubby tum-tum.
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211. Oh, he's got a tubby tum-tum.
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212. Mother, could I have
a quick cup of tea, please?
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213. I have an important statement on
Rhodesia to make in the Commons at six.
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214. Mrs. Nigger-Baiter's exploded.
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215. Good thing too.
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216. She was my best friend.
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217. Oh, Mother, don't be so sentimental.
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218. Things explode every day.
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219. Yes, I suppose so.
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220. Anyway, I didn't really like her that much.
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221. Ooh.
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222. Hello, I'm your new vicar.
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223. Can I interest you in any encyclopedias?
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224. No, thank you.
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225. We're not church people, thank you.
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226. How about brushes? Nylon or bristle?
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227. Strong-tufted, attractive colors.
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228. No, really, thank you, vicar.
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229. Oh, dear. Turkey? Cup Final tickets?
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230. No. No, really. We're just not religious.
Thank you.
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231. - Oh, well. Bye-bye.
- Bye-bye, vicar.
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232. If you do want anything,
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233. jewellery, Ascot water
heaters... Thank you, vicar.
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234. It's funny, isn't it, how...
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235. How your best friend
can just blow up like that.
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236. I mean, you wouldn't think it was
medically possible, would you?
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237. This is where Mrs. Shazam
was so wrong.
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238. Exploding is a perfectly
normal medical phenomenon.
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239. In many fields of medicine nowadays,
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240. For instance, athlete's foot,
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241. an irritating condition, can be cured
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242. by applying a small charge of TNT
between each toe.
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243. Excuse me.
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244. Hello, I'm your new vicar.
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245. Can I interest you in any of
these watches, pens or biros?
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246. No, I'm not religious, I'm afraid.
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247. Oh, souvenirs, badges, little noddy
dog for the back of the car?
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248. - No, thank you, vicar. Good morning.
- Morning.
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249. Now, many of the medical profession
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250. are skeptical about my work.
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251. They point to my record of treatment
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252. of athlete's foot sufferers:
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253. Eighty-four dead, 65 severely wounded
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254. and 12 missing, believed cured.
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255. But then, people laughed at Bob Hope.
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256. They laughed at my wife
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257. when she wrapped herself up
in greaseproof paper
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258. and hopped into
the Social Security office.
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259. But that doesn't mean
that Pasteur was wrong.
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260. Look, I'll show you what I mean.
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261. Watch it, mate.
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262. I'm not gonna stay around here
getting poked and prodded all day.
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263. I'm off.
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264. I've got a decent body.
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265. I get poked and prodded in the chest.
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266. I'm gonna get another line of work.
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267. Watch it!
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268. Turn back. Stop.
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269. Please! Oh, stop!
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270. Oh, my God, he's fallen
off the edge of the cartoon.
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271. Well, so much for that link.
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272. John Cobbley is the musical and
artistic director of Covent Garden.
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273. He is himself a talented musician,
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274. he's a world-famous authority
on 19th-century Russian music,
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275. and he's come into the studio tonight
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276. to talk about Tchaikovsky.
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277. Which is a bit of a pity,
as this is Farming Club.
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278. And on Farming Club tonight
we'll take a look
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279. at the Ministry's
latest preventative proposals
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280. to deal with possible
outbreaks of foot-and-mouth.
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281. We'll be talking later on to the man
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282. who believes that milk yields
can be increased dramatically.
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283. But first, a Farming Club special:
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284. The Life of Tchaikovsky.
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285. Tchaikovsky. Was he the tortured soul
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286. who poured out his immortal longings
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287. into dignified passages of stately music?
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288. Or was he just an old poof
who wrote tunes?
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289. Tonight on Farming Club
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290. we're going to take an
intimate look at Tchaikovsky
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291. and an intimate look at his friends.
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292. Incidentally, BBC publications
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293. have prepared a special pamphlet
to go with this program
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294. called Hello Pianist.
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295. And it contains material
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296. which some people might find offensive
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297. but which is really smashing.
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298. Peter llyich Tchaikovsky was born
in 1840 in a Ken Russell film
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299. just outside Saint Petersburg.
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300. His father, Leo McKern,
a freelance bishop,
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301. was married to Vera Plachenka,
Julie Christie,
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302. but secretly deeply in love
with Margo Farenka,
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303. Shirley Abicair,
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304. and the strangely flatulent
Madame Ranevsky,
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305. Norris McWhirter.
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306. Soon, however, the family,
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307. Eldridge Cleaver, Moira Lister
and Stan the Bat,
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308. moved to the neighboring
industrial village of Omsk,
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309. Eddie Waring, where they soon
found themselves, sadly,
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310. quite unable to cope, Anthony Barber.
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311. In 1863, however,
Tchaikovsky was sent to Moscow
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312. to study the piano.
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313. And when he'd finished that,
the living room.
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314. Maurice takes up the story.
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315. Well, guess what?
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316. The very next thing he did was
to go to this extraordinary,
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317. but extraordinary duckety-poos,
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318. semi-Mondrian house in Robin Russia.
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319. Harry here, Tammy Tchaikovsky wrote
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320. the most Sammy super symphonies
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321. you've Henry heard in the
whole of your Lily life.
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322. She was such a good composer
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323. that everybody but everybody
wanted to know.
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324. And quite right too because
she wrote some lovely bits
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325. such as Sally Sleeping Beauty,
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326. Patsy "Pathétique," Adrian "1812,"
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327. and lots of Conny concerti
for Vera "Violin"
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328. and Peter "Piano" Fanny forte.
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329. But what do we really know
of this tortured ponce?
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330. Well, if you can imagine
the size of Nelson's Column,
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331. roughly three times the size
of a London bus,
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332. then Tchaikovsky was much smaller.
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333. His head was about the same size
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334. as that of an extremely large dog.
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335. That is, say, two very small dogs
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336. or four very large hamsters.
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337. Or one medium-size rabbit
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338. if you count the whole body,
not just the head.
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339. Robin?
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340. Thank you. Here's your three-stage
model of Tchaikovsky.
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341. Um, here you see the legs,
used for walking around
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342. which can be jettisoned at night.
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343. And, uh, this is the main trunk,
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344. the powerhouse of the whole thing,
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345. incorporating, of course, the naughty bits
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346. which were extremely naughty
for his time.
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347. And the whole thing is subservient
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348. to this small command module
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349. the, as it were, head of
the whole, as it were, body.
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350. - Robin.
- Peter.
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351. - Simon.
- Maurice.
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352. Me. Well, poor pet,
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353. she was like a lost lamb in an abattoir.
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354. Eventually, she Dickie died
of Colin cholera
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355. in Saint Patsy Petersburg
in Gertie great Percy pain.
Copy !req
356. Here to play Tchaikovsky's "First
Piano Concerto in B-flat minor"
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357. is the world-famous soloist
Sviatoslav Richter.
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358. During the performance,
he will escape from a sack,
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359. three padlocks and a pair of handcuffs.
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360. Good evening. This new series
of Trim-Jeans Theatre Presents
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361. will enable you to enjoy
the poetry of T.S. Eliot
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362. whilst losing
unsightly tummy bulge. Jean.
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363. Well, yes, um, the inches stay off. Mark?
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364. Terrific. Thrill to Thomas a Becket's.
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365. Kierkegaardian moment of choice
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366. whilst making your physique
tighter, firmer, neater.
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367. I am here. No traitor to the king.
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368. Absolve all those
you have excommunicated.
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369. Resign those powers
you have abrogated.
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370. Renew the obedience you have violated.
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371. Lose inches off your hips,
thighs, buttocks and abdomen.
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372. A terrific product.
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373. Terrific.
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374. And this comes complete with the
most revolutionary guarantee
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375. in slenderizing history.
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376. This was Kevin Francis
before last season's.
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377. Trim-Jean's Play of the Month
production of The Seagull
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378. by Anton Chekhov and the Sauna
Belt Trim-Jean Company Limited.
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379. See? Kevin has slipped into
his slenderizing garment
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380. and is inflating it with the
handy little pump provided.
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381. Three acts and a few special
torso exercises later,
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382. Kevin, as Trigorin, the failed
writer of sentimental romances
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383. has lost over 33 inches.
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384. Wow, what a difference.
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385. That Anton Chekhov can certainly write.
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386. - Terrific.
- Terrific.
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387. Yes, why not join us
for a season of classic plays
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388. and rapid slenderizing?
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389. Enjoy Sir John Gielgud
and Sir Ralph Richardson
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390. losing a total of 15 inches
in David Storey's Home.
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391. Enjoy The Trim Gentlemen of Verona
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392. and Long Day's Journey Into Night
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393. while inches melt away.
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394. Enjoy Glenda Jackson
with a constant snug fit
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395. and solid support in all four areas.
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396. Other productions will include:
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397. Treasure Island, Swan Lake,
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398. The Life and Loves of Toulouse-Lautrec,
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399. and the Trim-Jeans version
of The Great Escape
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400. with a cast of thousands
losing well over 1500 inches.
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401. Halt! Halt!
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402. Halt!
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403. Wasn't that terrific, ladies and gentlemen?
Really great.
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404. Now, the next item on the program
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405. I can't stand it, man. Really, now.
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406. I've had it with this idiot. Every
night, making me say the most
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407. really terrific act.
The next item on the...
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408. Hey, man, I'm off, gone,
split, through, eh?
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409. Gonna find a gig elsewhere.
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410. Somewhere that's a bit cooler, man.
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411. I mean, it's terrible, the way I hide.
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412. I think this Christmas
I'm gonna cool down.
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413. I'm gonna get with a guy
who really, you know,
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414. digs me, you know? A man who feels...
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415. Really feels the same way I do, man...
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416. Welcome aboard, Britisher pig.
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417. Quite a little surprise, ja?
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418. But perhaps you would be so
kind as to tell us all you know
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419. about certain Allied shipping routes, ja?
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420. Come on, talk...
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421. Hello, Fritz. The tables
seem to have turned, old chap.
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422. Let's see how you like a bit of
your own medicine, eh?
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423. - Come on, Fritz.
- Now, tell us. Tell us about...
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424. Oh, greetings, capitalist dog.
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425. Very sorry, but must inform you
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426. that you are now prisoner
of People's Republic.
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427. I'm very sorry, Comrade commander,
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428. but have just picked up a capitalist ship
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429. on ['0de scanner.
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430. This is your captain speaking.
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431. There is no need for panic.
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432. Women and children first.
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433. I repeat that. Women and children first.
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434. Do not rush for the lifeboats
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435. and remember, women and children first.
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436. And Red Indians.
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437. Why did you dress up like that?
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438. It was the only thing left.
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439. All right. Women,
children and Red Indians.
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440. And spacemen.
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441. Here is a revised list:
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442. Women, children, Red Indians
and spacemen...
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443. What's that meant to be?
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444. It's a sort of impression
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445. of what a Renaissance courtier
artist might look like
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446. at the courts of the great families,
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447. the Medicis or the Borgias.
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448. No, it's not. It looks
more Flemish than Italian.
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449. Yes, that's a Flemish merchant
of the 15th or 16th centuries.
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450. - What, with these tassels?
- Yes, yes.
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451. They had those fitted doublets going
tapering down into the full hose.
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452. You know. Exactly like that.
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453. One moment, please. Don't panic.
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454. What's it meant to be? I've got
to tell them something.
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455. Is it a Flemish merchant?
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456. No, it is not a Flemish merchant.
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457. It's more a sort of idealized version
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458. of the complete Renaissance man.
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459. - No, it's not.
- All right, all right, all right.
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460. This is your captain speaking.
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461. Do not rush for the lifeboats.
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462. Women, children,
Red Indians, spacemen
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463. and a sort of idealized version
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464. of the complete Renaissance men first.
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465. Flemish merchants did not
wear hand-embroidered chevrons.
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466. They did not.
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467. Yes, Gomez?
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468. "We found them walking
on the beach, my cap"
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469. Gomez, why can't you say this?
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470. What? Oh, I see. We can't afford it.
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471. Ah, you see, the BBC has to pay
an actor 20 guineas if he speaks
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472. and it makes a bit
of a hole in the budget.
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473. Twenty-eight guineas, sir.
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474. Oh! You fool, Gomez.
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475. Sorry. Sorry.
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476. That's 28 guineas.
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477. What about me, sir?
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478. - Are you supposed to speak?
- No.
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479. - You've just spoken!
- Sorry.
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480. You fool, that's 56 guineas
before we've even started.
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481. Yes?
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482. What did he do that for?
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483. It's a stunt. An extra 20 guineas.
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484. Look, we can't afford it.
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485. The BBC are short of money as it is.
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486. The BBC wishes to deny rumors
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487. that it is going into liquidation.
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488. Mrs. Kelly, who owns the flat
where they live,
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489. has said that they can stay on
till the end of the month.
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490. And we've just heard that
Huw Weldon's watch
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491. has been accepted by the
London Electricity Board
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492. and transmissions for this evening
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493. can be continued as planned.
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494. Well, that's all from
me, so good night.
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495. Are you gonna be in there all night?
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496. It's just a bulletin, Mr. Kelly.
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497. And now back to the story.
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498. Come out.
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499. All right.
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500. We found these men walking
on the beach, my captain.
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501. We are British naval officers,
and entitled to be...
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502. It's Puss.
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503. Hello, Puss.
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504. Hello, children.
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505. Stop! Stop this adaptation
of Puss in Boots.
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506. This is the police department
of the state of Venezuela!
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507. Oh, no, it isn't.
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508. Oh, yes, it is!
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509. Oh, no, it isn't.
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510. Oh, yes, it is.
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511. Oh, no, it isn't.
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512. Shut up!
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513. Now, I'm going to ask you
some questions.
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514. And remember, if you do not
give me correct answers
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515. we have ways of making you answer.
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516. Like not paying 28 guineas.
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517. Shut up!
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518. Now, what ship are you from?
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519. We are from the SS Mother Goose.
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520. We were 12 days out
from Port of Spain, and
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521. I got 30 bob for the trousers.
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522. We are from the SS Mother Goose.
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523. We were 12 days out from Port of Spain.
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524. And one night,
I was doing my usual rounds
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525. when I had occasion to pass
the forward storage lockers.
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526. Go on.
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527. Oh, um. Well, I... Inoficed
something unusual.
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528. The main bilge hatches
had been opened.
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529. And there,
crouching amidst the scuppers,
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530. was the most ghastly creature
I'd ever seen in my life.
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531. As soon as it saw me,
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532. its horrible face split aside
in a ghastly look of terror.
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533. Its head, which was like a...
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534. Could you sign this, please?
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535. A small rat, was ghastly
and horrible and befurred.
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536. Its little red eyes glinted
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537. in the unaccustomed glare
of the midday sun.
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538. And before I could shut the hatch
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539. it sprang upon me
with one almighty bound...
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540. What's this about doing Horse of
the Year Show in here tonight?
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541. I'm sorry, Mrs. Kelly.
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542. We don't know. This is drama.
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543. Mr. Fox told me, before
he went down to the pub,
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544. they're doing Horse of the Year
Show in here tonight at 9:10.
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545. - Well, this is BBC Two.
- BBC One are in the kitchen.
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546. I'm not having Harvey Smith
jumping over my binette.
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547. No. Come on.
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548. Tearing at my throat, ripping my clothes.
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549. And turn the gas off before you leave!
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550. All right!
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551. I fought it with all my strength,
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552. but it was too much for me. It...
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553. Another clear round
for Harvey Smith on O'Malley.
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554. And now it's Mrs. David Barker
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555. riding Atalanta, number three.
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556. Right, that's it.
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557. Come on, out, out, all of you.
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558. Get out of my kitchen.
Go on. Harvey Smith.
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559. Get out of here, you Iunkers.
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560. It's one of our most popular programs.
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561. That's what you think, Mr. Fox.
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562. Well, that's all from BBC television...
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563. Come on, get out. Out. Get out of here.
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564. Out. Out. Get out.
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565. Out. Out.
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566. Tonight, from London,
your special guests are:
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567. Lulu...
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568. Ringo Starr...
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569. and the man you've all been waiting for,
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570. your host for tonight.
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571. Love the outfit, dear. It's gorgeous.
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572. Hello. Good evening. Welcome.
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573. It's...
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