Monty Python's Flying Circus 2x9

1. And now for something completely different.

2. It's...

3. Monty Python's Flying Circus.

4. How to recognize different parts of the body.

5. Number one, the foot.

6. Number two the shoulder.

7. And number three the other foot.

8. Number four the bridge of the nose.

9. Number five the naughty bits.

10. Number six just above the elbow.

11. Number seven

12. two inches to the right of a very naughty bit indeed.

13. Number eight, the kneecap.

14. Once a jolly swagman Camped by a billabong.

15. Under the shade... Good day, Bruce. Oh, hello, Bruce.

16. How are you, Bruce? A bit crook, Bruce.

17. Where's Bruce? He's not here, Bruce.

18. Blimey. It's hot in here, Bruce.

19. It's hot enough to boil a monkey's bum.

20. That's a strange... That's a strange expression, Bruce.

21. Well, Bruce, I heard the prime minister use it.

22. "Hot enough to boil a monkey's bum in here,

23. "Your Majesty," he said.

24. And she smiled quietly to herself.

25. She's a good sheila, Bruce. And not at all stuck-up.

26. Ah. Here comes the boss fellow now.

27. Ah, good day, Bruce. Hey, Bruce.

28. Hello, Bruce. How are you, Bruce?

29. Gentlemen, I'd like to introduce a chap from Pommyland

30. who'll be joining us this year

31. here in the Philosophy Department

32. of the University of Woolamaloo.

33. Uh, Michael Baldwin, this is Bruce.

34. Michael Baldwin, this is Bruce.

35. Michael Baldwin, this is Bruce.

36. Is your name not Bruce, then?

37. Uh, no, it's Michael.

38. That's going to cause a little confusion.

39. Yeah. Mind if we call you Bruce, just to keep it clear?

40. Well, gentlemen, I think we better start the meeting.

41. Before we start, though,

42. I'll ask the Padre for a prayer.

43. Oh, Lord, we beseech thee, have mercy on our faculty, amen.

44. Amen. Amen.

45. Crack the tubes, fight.

46. Ah, Bruce, I now call upon you

47. to welcome Mr. Baldwin to the Philosophy Department.

48. I'd like to welcome the pommy bastard

49. to God's own earth. And I'd like to remind him

50. that we don't like stuck-up stickybeaks here.

51. Hear, hear! Well spoken, Bruce!

52. Now, Bruce teaches classical philosophy,

53. Bruce teaches Hegelian philosophy.

54. Bruce here teaches logical positivism

55. and is also in charge of the sheep dip.

56. What does, um... What does new Bruce teach?

57. Our new Bruce will teach political science,

58. Machiavelli, Bentham, Locke, Hobbes, Sutcliffe,

59. Bradman, Lindwall, Miller, Hassett and Benaud.

60. Those are cricketers, Bruce. Oh, spit.

61. Howls. Howls of derisive laughter, Bruce.

62. Ha-ha! In addition, as he's gonna be teaching politics,

63. I told him that he's welcome to teach

64. any of the great socialist thinkers,

65. provided he makes it clear that they were wrong.

66. Australia, Australia, Australia, Australia.

67. We love you. Amen.

68. Any questions?

69. New Bruce, are you a poofter?

70. Are you a poofter? No.

71. No, right. Well, gentlemen, I'll just remind you

72. of the faculty rules.

73. Rule one, no poofters.

74. Uh, rule two, no member of the faculty

75. is to maltreat the Abos in any way whatsoever

76. if there's anyone watching.

77. Rule three, no poofters.

78. Uh, rule four, I don't wanna catch anyone not drinking

79. in their room after lights out.

80. Rule five, no poofters.

81. Rule six, there is no rule six.

82. Rule seven, no poofters.

83. That concludes the reading of the rules. Bruce.

84. This here is the waffle, the emblem of our land.

85. You can stick it in a bottle, you can hold it in your hand.

86. Amen. Amen!

87. Gentlemen, it's 6:00. I want every man-Bruce of you

88. in the Sydney Harbor Bridge room

89. to take a glass of sherry with the flying philosopher, Bruce.

90. And I now call upon you, padre,

91. to close the meeting with a prayer.

92. Oh Lord, we beseech thee,

93. et cetera, et cetera, et cetera, amen.

94. Amen! Right, let's get some sheilas.

95. Okay. Ah! Elevenses.

96. Ah! This should tide us...

97. This should tide us over till lunchtime.

98. Reckon so, Bruce.

99. Sidney Nolan. What's that?

100. Number nine, the ear.

101. Number 10, the big toe.

102. Number 11

103. more naughty bits.

104. And number 12

105. the naughty bits of a lady.

106. And number 13, the naughty bits of a horse.

107. Number 14

108. the naughty bits of an ant.

109. Number 16, the hand.

110. Good evening. I have with me in the studio tonight

111. Mr. Norman... Mr. Norman St. John Polevaulter,

112. who, for the past few years, has been contradicting people.

113. Mr. Polevaulter, why do you contradict people?

114. I don't. You told me you did.

115. I most certainly did not.

116. Oh, I see.

117. I'll start again.

118. No, you won't. Shh.

119. Mr. Polevaulter, I understand you don't contradict people.

120. Yes, I do. When didn't you start contradicting people?

121. Well, I did, in 1952.

122. 1952? 1947.

123. Twenty-three years ago? No.

124. And so on and so on and so on.

125. And now number 17

126. the top of the head.

127. Number 18... the feather.

128. Rare.

129. Number 19

130. the nose.

131. Come in.

132. Ah, Mr. Luxury Yacht. Do sit down, please.

133. Uh, no, no. My name is spelt Luxury Yacht,

134. but it's pronounced Throatwobbler Mangrove.

135. Ah, well, do sit down then, Mr. Throatwobbler Mangrove.

136. Thank you.

137. Now, what seems to be the trouble?

138. Um I'd like you to perform some plastic surgery on me.

139. I see. And which particular feature of your anatomy

140. is causing you distress?

141. Well... Well, for a long time now...

142. In fact, even when I was a child uh, I, you know, ever

143. whenever I left home... Mm-hm.

144. Uh, to catch a bus or... Or to catch a train... Fine.

145. Uh, and even my tennis has suffered, actually.

146. Uh... Yes. To be absolutely blunt

147. you're worried about your enormous hooter.

148. 3% §3§§5§

149. Yes.

150. You want me to hack a bit off.

151. Please. Fine.

152. It is a startler, isn't it?

153. Uh, do you mind if I, uh...?

154. What?

155. Oh, no, nothing then. I'll just examine your nose.

156. Mr. Luxury Yacht, this, um...

157. This nose of yours is false.

158. It's made of polystyrene.

159. And your own hooter's a beaut.

160. No pruning necessary.

161. I'd still like the operation.

162. Well, you've had the operation, you strange person.

163. Please do an operation.

164. Well, all right. All right.

165. But only if you'll come on a camping holiday with me.

166. He asked me, he asked me!

167. How to pick up an architect, how to pull a prime minister,

168. and how to have fun with a wholesale poulterer.

169. Now the men of the Derbyshire Light Infantry entertain us

170. with a precision display of bad temper.

171. Attention!

172. My goodness, me.

173. I am in a bad temper today, all right, two, three.

174. Damn, damn, two, three.

175. I am vexed and ratty, two, three.

176. And hopping mad.

177. And next, the men of the Second Armored Division

178. regale us with their famous close-order swanning about.

179. Squad!

180. Camp it... up.

181. Ooh, get her. Whoops.

182. I've got your number, ducky.

183. Couldn't afford me, dear, two, three.

184. I'll scratch your eyes out.

185. Don't come the brigadier bit with us, dear.

186. We all know where you've been, you military fairy.

187. Whoops, don't look now, girls.

188. The major's just minced in with that dolly color sergeant.

189. Two, three. Oooh.

190. And finally...

191. God, if they don't stop, I'll kill myself.

192. I swear I will.

193. All right. That's it.

194. For three days and nights,

195. the displaced eyeball plummeted earthward.

196. Until finally...

197. Oh.

198. Oh.

199. Excuse me.

200. Keep low, keep down. Don't lag behind. Come on, everybody.

201. Right. Keep close. That's right.

202. Watch out for the killer cars.

203. Yes, the killer cars.

204. For years, the city had been plagued

205. by ever-increasing pedestrian congestion.

206. In an attempt to eliminate this problem,

207. certain fanatical cars

208. had taken the law into their own hands.

209. But the days of the killer cars were numbered,

210. thanks to the miracle of atomic mutation.

211. Oh, thank you. You've saved our city.

212. But at what cost?

213. Oh, thank you. Thank you.

214. You've saved our city.

215. Except for those who chose to leave town.

216. This, then, is the story of two of them.

217. Morning, sir. Can I help you?

218. Uh, yes. We've... We've booked on your flight for America.

219. Oh, we don't fly to America.

220. Oh, the American flight.

221. Ah, on the plane. Oh, yes. Oh, we do that, all right.

222. Safe as houses, no need for panic.

223. Is it really 37 and 6?

224. Thirty bob. I'm robbing meself.

225. Thirty bob? Twenty-five.

226. Uh, two quid, the pair of you. Uh, that's without insurance.

227. How much is it with insurance? Hundred and two quid.

228. That's including the flight.

229. How long will it take?

230. Uh, let me put it this way. Noidea.

231. Six hours. Six?

232. Five. Ten for the pair of you.

233. Oh, is it a jet? Uh, well, no.

234. Triumph Herald engine with wings.

235. When are you taking off?

236. 3300 hours. What?

237. 2600 hours for the pair. What?

238. After the injections, you won't care.

239. What injections? Barley sugar. Calm you down.

240. They're compulsory. Board of trade. Promise.

241. I don't like the sound of injections.

242. Ring, ring. Hello. Yes. Right.

243. You've got to make your mind up straightaway

244. if you're coming or not.

245. Yes. Right. You can't change your mind.

246. I'll ring the departure lounge.

247. Hello? Two more on their way, Mrs. Turpin.

248. Ah.

249. Now, uh, the duty-free trolley is over there.

250. There's some lovely drop scones

251. and some duty-free broccoli,

252. and there's fresh Eccles cakes.

253. You're allowed 200 each on the plane. Ahem.

254. The Verrifast Plaine Company

255. announce the departure of flight one

256. to over the hills and far away.

257. Will passengers for flight one

258. please assemble at gate one?

259. Passengers are advked

260. that there is still plenty of time to buy Eccles cakes.

261. Neaflyready.

262. All passengers please get ready

263. for their barley sugar injections, okay?

264. Oh. Today, we all take vow.

265. Today, we smash the enemy fleet.

266. We smash, smash.

267. Uh, now, that's Mr. Kamikaze, the pilot.

268. He's very nice, really,

269. but make sure he stays clear of battleships.

270. There have been many stirring tales told of the sea,

271. and also some fairly uninteresting ones

272. only marginally connected with it.

273. Uh, like this one.

274. Sorry, this isn't a very good announcement. Sorry.

275. And here is the result

276. of the "Where to Put Edward Heath's Statue" competition.

277. The winner was a Mr. Ivy North,

278. who wins 10 guineas and a visit to the sailors' quarters.

279. That was last year's reenactment of the battle of Pearl Harbor

280. performed by the Batley Townswomen's Guild.

281. It was written, directed and produced

282. by Mrs. Rita Fairbanks.

283. Hello again.

284. And what are your ladies gonna do for us this year?

285. Well, this year, we decided to reenact something

286. with a more modern flavor.

287. We had considered a version

288. of Michael Stewart's speech on Nigeria,

289. and there were several votes on the committee

290. for a staging of Herr Willy Brandt's

291. visit to East Germany.

292. But we've settled, instead,

293. for a dramatization of the first heart transplant.

294. Incidentally, my sister, Madge, will be playing

295. the plucky little springbok pioneer,

296. Dr. Christian Barnard.

297. Off we go then, with the Batley Townswomen's Guild reenactment

298. of the first heart transplant.

299. The first heart transplant.

300. But this is not the only open-air production here

301. that has used the sea.

302. Theatrical managers in this area

303. have not been as slow to appreciate

304. the sea's tremendous dramatic value.

305. And somewhere, out in this bay,

306. is the first underwater production

307. of Measure for Measure.

308. Right.

309. The underwater version of Measure for Measure.

310. And further out to sea, Hello, Dolly!

311. Is also doing good business.

312. Hello, Dolly.

313. And over there on the oyster beds,

314. Formula Two car racing.

315. Number 20... the armpits.

316. Number 21

317. the bottom two-thirds of the nape of the neck.

318. Number 22

319. the nipple.

320. And that concludes this week's episode

321. of How to Recognize Different Parts of the Body,

322. adapted for radio by Ann Haydon-Jones

323. and her husband, Pip.

324. And now we present the first episode

325. of a new radio drama series:

326. The Death of Mary, Queen of Scots.

327. Part One: The Beginning.

328. You are Mary, Queen of Scots?

329. I am.

330. Ow! Ow!

331. Oh! No!

332. Episode two of The Death of Mary, Queen of Scots

333. can be heard on Radio 4 almost immediately.

334. I think she's dead.

335. No, I'm not.

336. That was episode two

337. of The Death of Mary, Queen of Scots,

338. adapted for the radio

339. by Bernard Hollowood and Brian London.

340. And now Radio 4 will explode.

341. Oh.

342. We'll have to watch the telly then.

343. Yes.

344. Well... what's on the television then?

345. Looks like a penguin.

346. No, no, no, no.

347. I didn't mean what's on the television set.

348. I meant what program.

349. Ohh. Oh.

350. Young and handsome.

351. Girl from lpanema Goes walking.

352. It's funny that penguin being there, isn't it?

353. What's it doing there? Standing.

354. I can see that.

355. If it lays an egg

356. it will fall down the back of the television set.

357. We'll have to watch that. Mmm.

358. Unless it's a male.

359. Ooh, I never thought of that.

360. Yes.

361. Looks fairly butch.

362. Perhaps it comes from next door.

363. Penguins don't come from next door,

364. they come from the Antarctic.

365. Burma!

366. Why'd you say "Burma"? 1 panicked.

367. Oh.

368. Perhaps it's from the zoo.

369. Which zoo?

370. How should I know which zoo? I'm not Dr. Bloody Bernowski.

371. How does Dr. Bernowski know which zoo it came from?

372. He knows everything.

373. Oh, I wouldn't like that.

374. It'd take the mystery out of life.

375. Anyway, if it came from the zoo,

376. it'd have "Property of the Zoo" stamped on it.

377. No, it wouldn't.

378. They don't stamp animals "Property of the Zoo."

379. You couldn't stamp a huge lion.

380. They stamp them when they're small.

381. What happens when they molt?

382. Lions don't molt.

383. No, but penguins do.

384. There, I've run rings around you, logically.

385. Oh. Intercourse the penguin.

386. It's, uh, just gone 8:00 and time for the penguin

387. on top of your television set to explode.

388. How did he know that was going to happen?

389. It was an inspired guess. And now...

390. Number 23... the shin.

391. Number 24

392. Reginald Maudling's shin.

393. Number 25... the brain.

394. Number 26

395. Margaret Thatcher's brain.

396. And number 27

397. more naughty bits.

398. Number 28

399. the naughty bits of the cabinet.

400. Number 29

401. the interior of a country house.

402. That's not a part of the body.

403. No, it's a link, though. I didn't think it was very good.

404. No, it's the end of the series. They must be out of ideas.

405. All right, don't anybody move.

406. There's been a murder.

407. A murder?

408. No, no. Not murder. No.

409. Uh, what's like a murder but begins with B?

410. Birmingham?

411. No, no, no, no, no. Burnley?

412. Burnley, that's right. Burnley in Lancashire.

413. There's been a Burnley.

414. Burglary.

415. Burglary. Yes. Good man.

416. Burglary. That's it, of course.

417. There's been a burglary. Where?

418. In the back, just below the rib.

419. No, that's murder.

420. Oh, no. In the... Eh, in the band.

421. In the bat. Barclays bat.

422. Barclays Bank? Yes. Nasty business.

423. Got away with 23,000 pounds.

424. Any clues?

425. Any what?

426. Well, any evidence as to who did it?

427. Any clues, eh?

428. Ooh, we don't half talk posh, do we? Ha-ha!

429. I suppose you say "ehnvelope" and "Iarngerie,"

430. and "sarndwiches on the settee."

431. This is a murder investigation, young man,

432. and murder is a very serious business.

433. I thought you said it was a burglary.

434. Burglary is almost as serious a business as murder.

435. Some burglaries are more serious.

436. A burglary in which someone gets stabbed is murder.

437. So don't come to these petty distinctions with me.

438. You're as bad as a judge.

439. Right. Now

440. of a peace of any kind is to go and...

441. Sorry, sorry. I was miles away.

442. Ah, ring the police? Ring the police.

443. Get them over here fast.

444. No, get them over here slowly

445. so they don't drop anything.

446. Shall I make us all a cup of tea?

447. Make what you like, Boskovitch.

448. It won't help you in court. Hm-hm.

449. I beg your pardon?

450. I'm sorry. Sorry.

451. I'm on top of being on two cases at once.

452. I keep thinking I've got Boskovitch cornered,

453. whereas in fact, I'm investigating a Burnley.

454. Burglary? Yes, good man.

455. Um... w-who's...? Who's Boskovitch?

456. Ha!

457. Boskovitch is a Russian scientist

458. who's passing information to the Russians.

459. Classified information?

460. Oh, there he goes again.

461. "Classified information."

462. Oh, sitting on the settee with our scones

463. and our classified information.

464. Hello.

465. Oh, hello, Duckie.

466. Hello, sir. How are you?

467. I'm fine, thanks. How are you?

468. Well, sir, I'm a little bit moody today, sir.

469. Why's that, Duckie?

470. Because I'm a little bit sad And lonely.

471. Now, my baby's gone away

472. I'm feeling kind of blue I don't know just what to do

473. I feel a little sad today.

474. He's a little bit sad And lonely.

475. Now, his baby's gone away.

476. He's feeling kind of blue He don't know just what to do.

477. He ain't feeling so good Today.

478. When I smile Ahhhh.

479. The sun comes flooding in No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

480. When I'm sad Ahhh.

481. It goes behind the clouds Again

482. I'm a little bit sad And lonely.

483. When my baby's Gone away I'm feeling kind of...

484. Et cetera, et cetera.

485. A lovely song, Duckie.

486. And that's the final entry:

487. And now, Guten Abend.

488. Die scores. Das scores.

489. Les scores. Die scores. Dei scores.

490. Oh, scores. Ha! Scores.

491. Yes, Monaco is the winner.

492. Ha! Monaco is a linner.

493. Oh, yes, man. Monaco's won the big prize, bwana.

494. And now here is Chief Inspector Jean-Paul Zatapathique

495. with the winning song once again.

496. And so Inspector Zatapathique,

497. the forensic expert from the Monaco Murder Squad,

498. sings his song, "Bing Tiddle Tiddle Bong."

499. Bing fiddle fiddle bang.

500. Bong fiddle fiddle bang.

501. Bong fiddle fiddle fiddle Tiddle fiddle.

502. Bong fiddle fiddle bong.

503. Bong fiddle fiddle bing.

504. Bong fiddle fiddle bang.

505. Bing fiddle fiddle Bang fiddle fiddle.

506. Bong fiddle fiddle fiddle Bang bong bing.

507. Bang bong fiddle fiddle fiddle Bang bong bing.

508. Tiddle fiddle bang.

509. Bong fiddle fiddle bang.

510. Bong fiddle fiddle fiddle Tiddle, fiddle.

511. Bong fiddle fiddle bong.

512. Bong fiddle fiddle bing.

513. Bong fiddle fiddle bang.

514. Bing bang bong Tiddle fiddle.

515. Tiddle fiddle Bing bang bong.

516. Tiddle fiddle Bong fiddle fiddle bing.

517. Number 31... the end.