Monty Python's Flying Circus 2x9

Directed by Ian MacNaughton

Featuring a guide on how to recognise parts of the body, a singing policeman, an interview with a plastic surgeon, a camp soldiers' drill and the Verrifast Plane Company.

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1. COMPLETELY DIFFERENT.

2. IT'S...

3. MONTY PYTHON'S FLYING CIRCUS.

4. DIFFERENT PARTS OF THE BODY.

5. THE FOOT.

6. THE SHOULDER.

7. THE OTHER FOOT.

8. THE BRIDGE OF THE NOSE.

9. THE NAUGHTY BITS.

10. JUST ABOVE THE ELBOW.

11. A VERY NAUGHTY BIT INDEED.

12. THE KNEECAP.

13. GOODDAY, BRUCE!

14. OH, HELLO, BRUCE.

15. HOW ARE YER, BRUCE?

16. BIT CROOK, BRUCE.

17. WHERE'S BRUCE?

18. HE'S NOT HERE, BRUCE.

19. BLIMEY, S'HOT IN HERE, BRUCE.

20. S'HOT ENOUGH TO BOIL A MONKEY'S BUM.

21. THAT'S A STRANGE EXPRESSION, BRUCE.

22. WELL, BRUCE, I HEARD THE PRIME MINISTER USE IT.

23. "S'HOT ENOUGH TO BOIL A MONKEY'S BUM IN 'ERE

24. YOUR MAJESTY,"

25. QUIETLY TO HERSELF.

26. SHE'S A GOOD SHEILA, BRUCE

27. AND NOT AT ALL STUCK-UP.

28. AH! HERE COMES THE BOSSFELLA NOW.

29. HOW ARE YOU, BRUCE?

30. HELLO, BRUCE.

31. HOW ARE YOU, BRUCE?

32. GENTLEMEN, I'D

33. WHO'LL BE JOINING

34. OF WOOLAMALOO.

35. UH, MICHAEL BALDWIN, THIS IS BRUCE.

36. MICHAEL BALDWIN, THIS IS BRUCE.

37. MICHAEL BALDWIN, THIS IS BRUCE.

38. IS YOUR NAME NOT BRUCE, THEN?

39. NO, IT'S MICHAEL.

40. THAT'S GOING

41. CONFUSION.

42. CALL YOU "BRUCE"

43. IT CLEAR?

44. WELL, GENTLEMEN

45. I THINK WE'D BETTER START THE MEETING.

46. START, THOUGH

47. I'LL ASK THE PADRE FOR A PRAYER.

48. O LORD, WE BESEECH THEE, HAVE MERCY ON OUR FACULTY, AMEN.

49. AMEN.

50. TUBES, RIGHT!

51. ER, BRUCE, I NOW

52. MR. BALDWIN

53. DEPARTMENT.

54. I'D LIKE

55. TO GOD'S OWN EARTH

56. AND I'D LIKE

57. THAT WE DON'T LIKE

58. STICKY-BEAKS HERE.

59. HEAR, HEAR!

60. WELL-SPOKEN, BRUCE.

61. NOW, BRUCE TEACHES

62. OF THE SHEEP-DIP.

63. NEW BRUCE TEACH?

64. POLITICAL SCIENCE...

65. MACHIAVELLI, BENTHAM, LOCKE, HOBBES

66. SUTCLIFFE, BRADMAN, LINDWALL, MILLER, HASSETT AND BENAUD.

67. THOSE ARE CRICKETERS, BRUCE.

68. OH, SPIT.

69. LAUGHTER, BRUCE.

70. IN ADDITION, AS HE'S GOING

71. I'VE TOLD HIM HE'S

72. THAT THEY WERE WRONG.

73. AUSTRALIA, AUSTRALIA, AUSTRALIA, AUSTRALIA

74. WE LOVE YOU, AMEN.

75. ANY QUESTIONS?

76. NEW BRUCE, ARE YOU A POOFTAH?

77. ARE YOU A POOFTAH?

78. NO.

79. NO, RIGHT.

80. WELL, GENTLEMEN, I'LL JUST REMIND YOU

81. OF THE FACULTY RULES.

82. NO POOFTAHS.

83. IN ANY WAY

84. IF THERE'S ANYONE WATCHING.

85. NO POOFTAHS.

86. I DON'T

87. ROOM AFTER LIGHTS OUT.

88. NO POOFTAHS.

89. THERE IS NO RULE SIX.

90. NO POOFTAHS.

91. OF THE RULES.

92. BRUCE?

93. THIS HERE'S THE WATTLE...

94. OF OUR LAND.

95. IN YER HAND, AMEN.

96. AMEN.

97. GENTLEMEN, AT 6:00

98. THE FLYING PHILOSOPHER, BRUCE

99. AND I CALL UPON YOU, PADRE

100. WITH A PRAYER.

101. OH, LORD, WE

102. ETC., ETC., ETC., AMEN.

103. AMEN.

104. RIGHT, LET'S GET SOME SHEILAS.

105. OKAY.

106. AH, ELEVENSES!

107. TIDE US...

108. OVER 'TIL LUNCHTIME.

109. SO, BRUCE.

110. NOLAN!

111. WHAT'S THAT?

112. THE EAR.

113. THE BIG TOE.

114. MORE NAUGHTY BITS.

115. OF A LADY.

116. OF A HORSE.

117. OF AN ANT.

118. OF REGINALD MAUDLING.

119. THE HAND.

120. GOOD EVENING.

121. MR. NORMAN ST. JOHN POLEVAULTER

122. WHO, FOR THE PAST FEW YEARS, HAS BEEN CONTRADICTING PEOPLE.

123. MR. POLEVAULTER, WHY DO YOU CONTRADICT PEOPLE?

124. I DON'T.

125. YOU TOLD ME YOU DID.

126. I MOST CERTAINLY DID NOT.

127. OH, I SEE.

128. I'LL START AGAIN.

129. NO, YOU WON'T.

130. SHH!

131. MR. POLEVAULTER

132. YOU DON'T CONTRADICT PEOPLE.

133. YES, I DO.

134. WHEN DIDN'T YOU START

135. CONTRADICTING PEOPLE?

136. WELL, I DID IN 1952.

137. 1952?

138. 1947.

139. 23 YEARS AGO?

140. NO.

141. AND SO ON

142. AND SO ON AND SO ON.

143. AND NOW...

144. THE TOP OF THE HEAD.

145. THE FEATHER... RARE.

146. THE NOSE.

147. COME IN.

148. AH, MR. LUXURY YACHT.

149. DO SIT DOWN, PLEASE.

150. AH, NO, NO.

151. "LUXURY YACHT"

152. BUT IT'S PRONOUNCED

153. "THROATWOBBLER MANGROVE."

154. AH, WELL, DO SIT DOWN, THEN

155. MR. THROATWOBBLER MANGROVE.

156. THANK YOU.

157. NOW, WHAT SEEMS TO BE THE TROUBLE?

158. UM...

159. I'D LIKE YOU TO PERFORM SOME PLASTIC SURGERY ON ME.

160. I SEE, AND WHICH PARTICULAR

161. IS CAUSING YOU DISTRESS?

162. WELL, WELL, FOR A LONG TIME NOW, IN FACT

163. EVEN WHEN I WAS A CHILD, I... YOU KNOW, WHENEVER I LEFT HOME

164. OR TO CATCH A TRAIN...

165. HAS SUFFERED, ACTUALLY...

166. YES, TO BE

167. YOU'RE WORRIED ABOUT YOUR ENORMOUS HOOTER.

168. NO!

169. NO?

170. YES.

171. YES, AND

172. TO HACK A BIT OFF.

173. PLEASE.

174. FINE.

175. IT IS A STARTLER, ISN'T IT?

176. UH, DO YOU MIND IF I, UH?

177. WHAT?

178. OH, NO, NOTHING, THEN.

179. WELL, I'LL JUST EXAMINE YOUR NOSE.

180. MR. LUXURY YACHT, THIS, UM...

181. IS FALSE.

182. IT'S MADE OF POLYSTYRENE.

183. OWN HOOTER'S A BEAUT.

184. NO PRUNING NECESSARY.

185. I'D STILL LIKE THE OPERATION.

186. WELL, YOU'VE HAD THE OPERATION, YOU STRANGE PERSON.

187. PLEASE DO AN OPERATION.

188. WELL, ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.

189. BUT ONLY IF YOU'LL COME ON A CAMPING HOLIDAY WITH ME.

190. HE ASKED ME! HE ASKED ME!

191. NEXT WEEK, WE'LL BE SHOWING YOU

192. HOW TO PICK UP AN ARCHITECT,

193. WITH A WHOLESALE POULTERER.

194. BUT NOW, THE MEN OF THE

195. DISPLAY OF BAD TEMPER.

196. ATTENTION!

197. MY GOODNESS ME!

198. I AM IN A BAD TEMPER TODAY!

199. ALL RIGHT, TWO, THREE, DAMN, DAMN, TWO, THREE

200. I AM VEXED AND RATTY, TWO, THREE

201. AND HOPPING MAD.

202. AND NEXT, THE MEN OF THE SECOND

203. CLOSE ORDER SWANNING ABOUT.

204. SQUAD... CAMP IT UP!

205. OOH, GET HER! WHOOPS!

206. I'VE GOT YOUR NUMBER, DUCKY.

207. YOU COULDN'T AFFORD ME, DEAR, TWO, THREE.

208. I'LL SCRATCH YOUR EYES OUT.

209. DON'T COME THE BRIGADIER BIT WITH US, DEAR.

210. WHERE YOU'VE BEEN

211. YOU MILITARY FAIRY.

212. WHOOPS, DON'T LOOK NOW, GIRLS.

213. THE MAJOR'S JUST MINCED IN WITH THAT DOLLY COLOR SERGEANT.

214. TWO, THREE.

215. OOH-HO!

216. AND FINALLY...

217. GOD, IF THEY DON'T STOP, I'LL KILL MYSELF.

218. I SWEAR, I WILL.

219. ALL RIGHT, THAT'S IT!

220. UNTIL...

221. OH!

222. OH!

223. WHAT'S THIS?

224. KEEP LOW, KEEP DOWN, DON'T LAG BEHIND.

225. COME ON, EVERYBODY, THAT'S RIGHT.

226. KEEP CLOSE, THAT'S RIGHT.

227. THE KILLER CARS.

228. VROOM!

229. YES, THE KILLER CARS.

230. FOR YEARS, THE CITY

231. PEDESTRIAN CONGESTION.

232. INTO THEIR OWN HANDS.

233. VROOM, VROOM!

234. VROOM!

235. V-V-VROOM.

236. OF ATOMIC MUTATION.

237. VROOM!

238. VROOM!

239. OH, THANK YOU!

240. YOU'VE SAVED OUR CITY!

241. BUT AT WHAT COST?

242. OH, THANK YOU, THANK YOU.

243. YOU'VE SAVED OUR CITY.

244. OF COURSE, THERE WERE THOSE WHO CHOSE TO LEAVE TOWN.

245. THIS, THEN, IS THE STORY OF TWO OF THEM.

246. MORNING, SIR, CAN I HELP YOU?

247. YES, WE'VE BOOKED ON YOUR FLIGHT FOR AMERICA.

248. OH, WE DON'T FLY TO AMERICA.

249. OH! THE AMERICAN FLIGHT.

250. ON THE PLANE... OH, YES.

251. OH, WE DO THAT, ALL RIGHT.

252. SAFE AS HOUSES, NO NEED FOR PANIC.

253. IS IT REALLY 37 AND SIX?

254. 30 BOB... I'M ROBBING MYSELF.

255. 30 BOB?

256. TWENTY-FIVE.

257. THE PAIR OF YOU.

258. THAT'S WITHOUT INSURANCE.

259. WELL, HOW MUCH IS IT WITH INSURANCE?

260. 102 QUID.

261. THAT'S INCLUDING THE FLIGHT.

262. HOW LONG WILL IT TAKE?

263. UH, LET ME PUT IT THIS WAY... NO IDEA.

264. SIX HOURS.

265. SIX?

266. FIVE... TEN FOR THE PAIR OF YOU.

267. OH, IS IT A JET?

268. UH... WELL, NO.

269. IT'S NOT SO MUCH A JET.

270. IT'S MORE YOUR TRIUMPH HERALD ENGINE WITH WINGS.

271. WHEN ARE YOU TAKING OFF?

272. 3300 HOURS.

273. WHAT?

274. 2600 HOURS FOR THE PAIR OF YOU.

275. WHAT?

276. HAVE THE INJECTIONS, YOU WON'T CARE.

277. WHAT INJECTIONS?

278. BARLEY SUGAR INJECTIONS; CALM YOU DOWN.

279. THEY'RE COMPULSORY, BOARD OF TRADE, PROMISE.

280. OH, I DON'T LIKE THE SOUND OF INJECTIONS.

281. HELLO, YES, RIGHT.

282. YOU'VE GOT TO MAKE YOUR

283. IF YOU'RE COMING OR NOT.

284. YES.

285. RIGHT, YOU CAN'T CHANGE YOUR MIND.

286. I'LL RING THE DEPARTURE LOUNGE.

287. HELLO?

288. TWO MORE ON THE WAY, MRS. TURPIN.

289. AH.

290. NOW, THE DUTY-FREE TROLLEY IS OVER THERE.

291. THERE'S SOME

292. AND THERE'S FRESH ECCLES CAKES.

293. YOU'RE ALLOWED 200 EACH ON THE PLANE.

294. TO OVER THE HILLS AND FAR AWAY.

295. AT GATE ONE.

296. TO BUY ECCLES CAKES.

297. NEARLY READY.

298. INJECTIONS.

299. TODAY WE ALL TAKE VOW.

300. THE ENEMY FLEET!

301. WE... SMASH... SMASH!

302. THAT'S MR. KAMIKAZE, THE PILOT.

303. HE'S VERY NICE, REALLY

304. CLEAR OF BATTLESHIPS.

305. WITH IT, LIKE THIS ONE.

306. SORRY, THIS ISN'T A VERY GOOD ANNOUNCEMENT, SORRY.

307. OF THE "WHERE TO PUT EDWARD HEATH'S STATUE" COMPETITION.

308. THE WINNER WAS A MR. IVY NORTH

309. TO THE SAILORS' QUARTERS.

310. THAT WAS LAST YEAR'S REENACTMENT

311. TOWNSWOMEN'S GUILD.

312. IT WAS WRITTEN, DIRECTED AND PRODUCED BY MRS. RITA FAIRBANKS.

313. HELLO AGAIN.

314. FOR US THIS YEAR?

315. WELL, THIS YEAR

316. A MORE MODERN FLAVOR.

317. A VERSION OF MICHAEL STEWART'S

318. BRANDT'S VISIT TO EAST GERMANY.

319. BUT WE'VE SETTLED INSTEAD

320. OF THE FIRST HEART TRANSPLANT.

321. INCIDENTALLY, MY SISTER MADGE

322. PIONEER DR. CHRISTIAN BARNARD.

323. WELL, OFF WE GO, THEN

324. WITH THE BATLEY TOWNSWOMEN'S

325. HEART TRANSPLANT.

326. THE FIRST HEART TRANSPLANT.

327. THAT HAS USED THE SEA.

328. THE SEA'S TREMENDOUS DRAMATIC VALUE.

329. OF MEASURE FOR MEASURE.

330. SERVANT HO!

331. FINE.

332. OF MEASURE FOR MEASURE.

333. HELLO, DOLLY! IS ALSO DOING GOOD BUSINESS.

334. BEDS, FORMULA TWO CAR RACING.

335. THE ARMPITS.

336. THIRDS OF THE NAPE OF THE NECK.

337. THE NIPPLE.

338. And that concludes this week's episode

339. of How to Recognize Different Parts of the Body

340. adapted for radio

341. by Ann Haydon-Jones and her husband, Pip.

342. And now we present the first episode

343. of a new radio drama series

344. The Death of Mary Queen of Scots.

345. Part one, the beginning.

346. You are Mary Queen of Scots?

347. I am.

348. Episode two of The Death of Mary Queen of Scots

349. can be heard on Radio 4 almost immediately.

350. I think she's dead.

351. No, I'm not.

352. That was Episode 2 of The Death of Mary Queen of Scots

353. adapted for the radio by Bernard Hollowood and Brian London.

354. And now, Radio 4 will explode.

355. WE'LL HAVE TO WATCH THE TELLY, THEN.

356. YES.

357. WELL, WHAT'S ON THE TELEVISION, THEN?

358. LOOKS LIKE A PENGUIN.

359. NO, NO, NO, NO.

360. I DIDN'T MEAN WHAT'S

361. I MEANT WHAT PROGRAM!

362. OH.

363. OOH.

364. BEING THERE, INNIT?

365. WHAT'S IT DOING THERE?

366. STANDING.

367. I CAN SEE THAT!

368. IF IT LAYS AN EGG...

369. OF THE TELEVISION SET.

370. WE'LL HAVE TO WATCH THAT.

371. MMM.

372. UNLESS IT'S A MALE.

373. OOH, I NEVER THOUGHT OF THAT.

374. YES, LOOKS FAIRLY BUTCH.

375. FROM NEXT DOOR.

376. PENGUINS DON'T COME FROM NEXT DOOR.

377. FROM THE ANTARCTIC!

378. BURMA!

379. WHY DID YOU SAY "BURMA"?

380. I PANICKED.

381. OH.

382. PERHAPS IT'S FROM THE ZOO.

383. WHICH ZOO?

384. WHICH ZOO?

385. I'M NOT DR. BLOODY BRONOWSKI!

386. DR. BRONOWSKI KNOW

387. IT CAME FROM?

388. HE KNOWS EVERYTHING.

389. OH, I WOULDN'T LIKE THAT.

390. THE MYSTERY OUT OF LIFE.

391. ANYWAY, IF IT

392. "PROPERTY OF THE ZOO"

393. STAMPED ON IT.

394. NO, IT WOULDN'T.

395. THEY DON'T STAMP ANIMALS "PROPERTY OF THE ZOO."

396. YOU COULDN'T STAMP A HUGE LION.

397. WHEN THEY'RE SMALL.

398. WHEN THEY MOLT?

399. LIONS DON'T MOLT.

400. NO, BUT PENGUINS DO.

401. THERE, I'VE RUN RINGS ROUND YOU LOGICALLY.

402. OH, INTERCOURSE THE PENGUIN.

403. It's just gone 8:00

404. and time for the penguin on top of your television set

405. to explode.

406. WAS GOING TO HAPPEN?

407. It was an inspired guess.

408. And now...

409. THE SHIN.

410. REGINALD MAUDLING'S SHIN.

411. THE BRAIN.

412. MARGARET THATCHER'S BRAIN.

413. MORE NAUGHTY BITS.

414. OF THE CABINET.

415. OF A COUNTRY HOUSE.

416. THAT'S NOT A PART OF THE BODY.

417. NO, IT'S A LINK, THOUGH.

418. I DIDN'T THINK IT WAS VERY GOOD.

419. NO, IT'S THE END OF THE SERIES.

420. OUT OF IDEAS.

421. ALL RIGHT, DON'T ANYBODY MOVE.

422. THERE'S BEEN A MURDER.

423. A MURDER?

424. NO, NO, NOT MURDER, NO.

425. WHAT'S LIKE A MURDER BUT BEGINS WITH "B"?

426. BIRMINGHAM?

427. NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.

428. BURNLEY?

429. BURNLEY, THAT'S RIGHT.

430. IN LANCASHIRE.

431. THERE'S BEEN A BURNLEY.

432. BURGLARY!

433. BURGLARY.

434. YES, GOOD MAN.

435. BURGLARY... THAT'S IT, OF COURSE.

436. THERE'S BEEN A BURGLARY.

437. WHERE?

438. IN THE BACK, JUST BELOW THE RIB.

439. NO, THAT'S MURDER.

440. OH, NO... IN THE, UH, THE BAND.

441. IN THE BAT... BARCLAYS BAT.

442. BARCLAYS BANK?

443. YES, NASTY BUSINESS.

444. GOT AWAY WITH £23,000.

445. ANY CLUES?

446. ANY WHAT?

447. WELL, ANY EVIDENCE AS TO WHO DID IT?

448. ANY CLUES, EH?

449. OH, WE DON'T HALF TALK POSH, DO WE?

450. WE SAY "EHNVELOPE"

451. AND "LARNGERIE"

452. AND "SARNDWICHES ON THE SETTEE."

453. WELL, THIS IS A MURDER INVESTIGATION, YOUNG MAN

454. A VERY SERIOUS BUSINESS!

455. SAID IT WAS A BURGLARY.

456. A BUSINESS AS MURDER.

457. MORE SERIOUS THAN MURDER.

458. GETS STABBED IS MURDER.

459. SO DON'T COME THESE PETTY DISTINCTIONS WITH ME.

460. YOU'RE AS BAD AS A JUDGE.

461. RIGHT! NOW,

462. IS TO GO AND...

463. SORRY, SORRY, I WAS MILES AWAY.

464. RING THE POLICE?

465. RING THE POLICE.

466. YES, THAT'S A GOOD IDEA.

467. OVER HERE FAST.

468. NO, ON SECOND THOUGHTS

469. SO THEY DON'T DROP ANYTHING.

470. A CUP OF TEA?

471. MAKE WHAT YOU LIKE, BOSKOVITCH.

472. IT WON'T HELP YOU IN COURT.

473. I BEG YOUR PARDON?

474. I'M SORRY, SORRY.

475. THAT'S THE TROUBLE WITH BEING ON TWO CASES AT ONCE.

476. I KEEP THINKING I'VE

477. WHEREAS IN FACT, I'M INVESTIGATING A BURNLEY.

478. BURGLARY.

479. YES... GOOD MAN.

480. WHO'S... WHO'S BOSKOVITCH?

481. HA!

482. WHO'S PASSING INFORMATION TO THE RUSSIANS.

483. INFORMATION?

484. OH, THERE HE GOES AGAIN.

485. "CLASSIFIED INFORMATION"?

486. OH, SITTING ON THE SETTEE

487. CLASSIFIED INFORMATION?

488. AH, HELLO, DUCKIE.

489. HELLO, SIR, HOW ARE YOU?

490. FINE, THANKS, HOW ARE YOU?

491. WELL, SIR

492. I'M A LITTLE BIT MOODY TODAY, SIR.

493. WHY IS THAT, DUCKIE?

494. BECAUSE...

495. ETCETERA, ETCETERA.

496. LOVELY SONG.

497. AND THAT'S

498. LA DERNIERE ENTREE, DAS FINAL ENTRY.

499. AND NOW, GUTEN ABEND.

500. DIE SCORES, DER SCORES, LES SCORES, DEL SCORES.

501. OH, SCORES... HA! SCORES!

502. YES, MONACO IS THE WINNER.

503. HA! MONACO IS THE LINNER.

504. OH, YES, MAN, MONACO'S WON DE BIG PRIZE, BWANA.

505. AND NOW, HERE IS CHIEF INSPECTOR

506. WITH THE WINNING SONG, ONCE AGAIN.

507. AND SO, INSPECTOR ZATAPATHIQUE

508. SINGS HIS SONG, "BING TIDDLE TIDDLE BONG."

509. QUOI? QUOI?

510. TOUT LE MONDE, QUOI?

511. POURQUOI?

512. LE MONDE EST ROND...

513. MAIS...

514. MAIS JE NE SAIS PAS...

515. VRAIMENT...

516. D'HABITUDE...

517. MAIS...

518. JE...

519. PENSE...

520. [Captioning sponsored by THE U.S. DEPARTMENT OF EDUCATION

521. THE END.