Monty Python's Flying Circus 2x7

1. IN THE FIFTH CENTURY

2. AS THE ONCE-MIGHTY ROMAN EMPIRE CRUMBLED

3. THE SOFT UNDERBELLY OF WESTERN EUROPE LA Y INVITINGLY EXPOSED

4. TO THE BARBARIAN HORDES TO THE EAST.

5. ALARIC THE VISIGOTH, GAISERIC THE VANDAL

6. AND THEODORIC THE OSTROGOTH IN TURN SWEPT WESTWARD

7. IN A REIGN OF TERROR.

8. BUT NONE SURPASSED IN POWER AND CRUELTY

9. THE MIGHTYATTILA THE HUN.

10. LADIES AND GENTLEMAN, IT'S THE ATTILA THE HUN SHOW.

11. IN THE SECOND QUARTER OF THE FIFTH CENTURY

12. THE HUNS BECAME A BYWORD FOR MERCILESS SAVAGERY.

13. THEIR KHAN WAS THE MIGHTY WARRIOR, ATTILA.

14. WITH HIS DEVASTATING ARMIES, HE SWEPT ACROSS CENTRAL EUROPE.

15. OH, DARLING, I'M HOME!

16. HELLO, DARLING.

17. HAVE A BUSY DAY AT THE OFFICE?

18. NOT AT ALL BAD.

19. ANOTHER MERCILESS SWEEP ACROSS CENTRAL EUROPE.

20. WELL, I WON'T SAY I'M GLAD TO SEE YOU

21. BUT, BOY, AM I GLAD TO SEE YOU!

22. HI, DADDY.

23. HI, DADDY.

24. HI, JENNY, HI, ROBBY.

25. HEY, I'VE GOT A PRESENT FOR YOU TWO KIDS

26. IN THAT BAG.

27. IN THAT BAG.

28. I WANT YOU KIDS TO GET "A-HEAD."

29. YEAH YOU ARE, MISTER HUN.

30. HI, UNCLE TOM.

31. THERE'S A WHOLE HORDE O' DEM MARAUDIN' VISIGOTHS

32. TO SEE Y'ALL.

33. AND NOW FOR SOMETHING COMPLETELY DIFFERENT.

34. IT'S...

35. MONTY PYTHON'S FLYING CIRCUS.

36. YES, IT'S ATTILA THE NUN!

37. A SIMPLE COUNTRY GIRL WHO TOOK A VOW OF ETERNAL BRUTALITY.

38. NURSE!

39. HELLO, MISS NORRIS, HOW ARE YOU?

40. NOT TOO BAD, THANK YOU, DOCTOR.

41. YES, WELL, I THINK I'D BETTER EXAMINE YOU.

42. UM, WHAT ARE THEY DOING HERE?

43. UH, IT'S ALL RIGHT

44. THEY'RE STUDENTS.

45. UM... LIGHT, PLEASE, NURSE.

46. OH, AND UH, MUSIC, TOO.

47. BREATHE IN... OUT.

48. IN... OUT.

49. IN...

50. THANK YOU, THANK YOU.

51. CHARLES CROMPTON, THE STRIPPING DOCTOR.

52. AND NEXT, GENTLEMEN AND LADIES, HERE AT THE PEEPHOLE CLUB

53. FOR THE VERY FIRST TIME, A VERY BIG WELCOME, PLEASE

54. FOR THE SECRETARY OF STATE FOR COMMONWEALTH AFFAIRS.

55. GOOD EVENING.

56. TONIGHT I'D LIKE TO RESTATE

57. OUR POSITION ON AGRICULTURAL SUBSIDIES

58. AND THEIR EFFECT ON OUR COMMONWEALTH RELATIONSHIPS.

59. NOW, ALTHOUGH WE BELIEVE, THEORETICALLY

60. IN ENDING GUARANTEED FARM PRICES

61. WE ALSO BELIEVE IN THE NEED FOR A CORRESPONDING IMPORT LEVY

62. TO MAINTAIN CONSUMER PRICES AT A REALISTIC LEVEL.

63. BUT THIS WOULD HAVE THE EFFECT OF CONSOLIDATING

64. OUR GAINS OF THE PREVIOUS FISCAL YEAR PRIOR TO THE ENTRY.

65. BUT I PLEDGE THAT, SHOULD WE JOIN THE COMMON MARKET

66. EVEN MAINTAINING THE PRESENT POSITION ON SUBSIDIES

67. WE WILL NEVER JEOPARDIZE, WE WILL NEVER COMPROMISE

68. OUR UNIQUE RELATIONSHIP WITH THE COMMONWEALTH COUNTRIES.

69. A PRICES STRUCTURE RELATED TO ANY IMPORT CHARGES

70. WILL BE SYSTEMATICALLY ADJUSTED TO THE PARTICULAR REQUIREMENTS

71. OF OUR COMMONWEALTH PARTNERS.

72. SO THAT TOGETHER WE WILL MAINTAIN

73. A POSITIVE AND MUTUALLY BENEFICIAL ALLIANCE

74. IN WORLD TRADE AND FOR WORLD PEACE.

75. THANK YOU AND GOOD NIGHT.

76. WASN'T HE MARVELOUS?

77. THE SECRETARY OF STATE FOR COMMONWEALTH AFFAIRS.

78. AND NOW, GENTLEMEN AND LADIES, A VERY BIG WELCOME, PLEASE

79. FOR THE MINISTER OF PENSIONS AND THE SOCIAL SECURITY.

80. YES, TODAY IN BRITAIN THERE IS

81. A NEW WAVE OF INTEREST IN POLITICS AND POLITICIANS.

82. WELL, WE'RE IN IT FOR THE LOBBYING, YOU KNOW.

83. WE JUST LOVE LOBBYING.

84. AND THE DEBATES.

85. YOU KNOW, A GOOD DEBATE IS JUST FABULOUS.

86. WELL, I'VE BEEN GOING WITH MINISTERS FOR FIVE YEARS NOW

87. AND, UH, YOU KNOW, I THINK THEY'RE WONDERFUL.

88. OH, YES, I LIKE CIVIL SERVANTS.

89. OH, YES, THEY'RE NICE.

90. I... I LIKE THE SPEAKER.

91. OH, YEAH.

92. I LIKE BLACK ROD.

93. WHAT DO THEIR PARENTS THINK?

94. WELL, SHE'S BROKEN OUR HEARTS, THE LITTLE BASTARD.

95. SHE'S BEEN NOTHING BUT TROUBLE

96. AND IF SHE COMES ROUND HERE AGAIN, I'LL KICK HER TEETH IN.

97. HAVE YOU BEEN TALKING TO TELEVISION AGAIN, DEAR?

98. YES, I BLOODY TOLD 'EM.

99. WHAT ABOUT?

100. I DON'T KNOW.

101. WAS IT REGINALD BOSANQUET?

102. NO, NO, NO.

103. DID HE HAVE HIS HEAD ALL BANDAGED?

104. NO, IT WASN'T LIKE THAT.

105. THEY HAD LOTS OF LIGHTS

106. AND CAMERAS AND TAPE RECORDERS

107. ALL THAT SORT OF THING.

108. OH, THAT'LL BE RAY BAXTER

109. AND THE BOYS AND GIRLS FROM TOMORROW'S WORLD.

110. OOH, I PREFER REGINALD BOSANQUET.

111. THERE'S NOT SO MANY OF 'EM.

112. OH, THAT'LL BE THE RATCATCHER.

113. HELLO, MR. AND MRS. CONCRETE?

114. YES?

115. WELL, WELL, WELL, WELL, WELL, WELL, WELL, WELL, WELL, WELL

116. WELL, HOW VERY NICE.

117. ALLOW ME TO INTRODUCE MYSELF.

118. I'M LESLIE AMES, THE CHAIRMAN OF THE TEST SELECTION COMMITTEE

119. AND I'M VERY PLEASED TO BE ABLE TO TELL YOU

120. THAT YOUR FLAT HAS BEEN CHOSEN

121. AS THE VENUE FOR THE THIRD TEST AGAINST THE WEST INDIES.

122. REALLY?

123. NO, IT WAS JUST A LITTLE JOKE.

124. ACTUALLY I'M THE COUNCIL RATCATCHER.

125. OH, YES, WE'VE BEEN EXPECTING YOU.

126. OH, I GATHER YOU'VE GOT

127. A LITTLE RODENTAL PROBLEM.

128. OH, BLIMEY! YOU'D THINK

129. HE WAS AWAKE ALL THE NIGHT

130. SCRABBLING DOWN BY THE WAINSCOTTING.

131. MMM, THAT'S AN INTERESTING WORD, ISN'T IT?

132. WHAT?

133. WAINSCOTTING.

134. WAINSCOTTING, WAINSCOTTING.

135. SOUNDS LIKE A LITTLE DORSET VILLAGE.

136. WAINSCOTTING.

137. WE'VE BEEN MENTIONED ON TELLY!

138. UH, WHERE IS IT WORST?

139. WELL, DOWN HERE

140. YOU CAN USUALLY HEAR THEM.

141. SHH! SHH! SHH!

142. NO, THAT'S SHEEP YOU'VE GOT THERE.

143. NO, THAT'S DEFINITELY SHEEP.

144. A BIT OF A PUZZLE, REALLY.

145. IS IT?

146. YEAH, WELL, I MEAN IT'S "A," NOT GOING TO RESPOND

147. TO A NICE PIECE OF CHEESE

148. AND "B," IT ISN'T GOING TO FIT INTO A TRAP.

149. OH, WHAT YOU GONNA DO?

150. WELL, WE'LL HAVE TO LOOK FOR THE HOLE.

151. OH, YEAH.

152. UH... OOH...

153. HEY! THERE'S ONE HERE.

154. NO, NO, NO, THAT'S MICE.

155. OH! THIS IS WHAT WE'RE AFTER!

156. EXCUSE ME, IS THE THIRD TEST IN HERE?

157. NO, NO, THAT WAS A JOKE, IT'S A JOKE.

158. RIGHT! WELL, I'M GOING IN THE WAINSCOTTING.

159. THEY SAID IT AGAIN!

160. LAY DOWN SOME SHEEP POISON.

161. OOH.

162. OOH, IT'S GOT A GUN!

163. OOH! BLIMEY.

164. NOW, NORMALLY A SHEEP IS

165. A PLACID, TIMID CREATURE

166. BUT YOU'VE GOT A KILLER!

167. IT'S AN ENTIRELY NEW STRAIN OF SHEEP... A KILLER SHEEP

168. THAT CAN NOT ONLY HOLD A RIFLE

169. BUT IS ALSO A FIRST-CLASS SHOT.

170. BUT WHERE ARE THEY COMING FROM, PROFESSOR?

171. THAT I DON'T KNOW.

172. I JUST DON'T KNOW.

173. I REALLY JUST DON'T KNOW.

174. I'M AFRAID I REALLY JUST DON'T KNOW.

175. I'M AFRAID EVEN I REALLY JUST DON'T KNOW.

176. I HAVE TO TELL YOU

177. I'M AFRAID EVEN I REALLY JUST DON'T KNOW.

178. I'M AFRAID I HAVE TO TELL YOU THAT...

179. THANK YOU.

180. I DON'T KNOW.

181. OUR ONLY CLUE IS THIS PORTION OF WOLF'S CLOTHING

182. WHICH THE KILLER SHEEP...

183. WAS WEARING...

184. IN YESTERDAY'S RAID ON SELFRIDGES.

185. I'LL CARRY OUT TESTS ON IT

186. STRAIGHT AWAY, PROFESSOR.

187. HELLO, IS THE THIRD TEST IN HERE, PLEASE?

188. PROFESSOR, THERE ARE SOME CRICKETERS

189. IN THE LABORATORY.

190. THIS MAY BE EVEN MORE SERIOUS

191. THAN EVEN I HAD AT FIRST BEEN IMAGINING.

192. WHAT A STRANGE, STRANGE LINE.

193. THERE'S NO TIME TO WASTE!

194. GET ME THE CHIEF COMMISSIONER OF POLICE.

195. YES, SIR.

196. NO, NO, ON THE PHONE!

197. LOOK OF FEAR!

198. ANOTHER STRANGE LINE.

199. LOOK OUT, MISS GARTER OIL!

200. PROFESSOR, WHAT IS IT?

201. WHAT HAVE YOU SEEN?

202. LOOK, THERE IN THE DOORWAY!

203. ARTHUR X, LEADER OF THE PENNINE GANG.

204. DON'T NOBODY MOVE.

205. ALL RIGHT, BOYS, WE'RE PUTTIN' PLAN "A" INTO OPERATION.

206. BUGSY, LOUIE, MOVE OUT.

207. NEXT... BASIL, YOU AND THE KID... MOVE.

208. OKAY, BOYS, THIS TIME WE GO FOR THE HEAVY STUFF.

209. BUT SOON THE KILLER SHEEP BEGAN TO INFECT OTHER ANIMALS

210. WITH ITS STARTLING INTELLIGENCE.

211. PUSSYCATS BEGAN TO ARRANGE MORTGAGES.

212. COCKER SPANIELS BEGAN TO DESIGN SUPERMARKETS.

213. AND PARROTS STARTED TO ANNOUNCE TELEVISION PROGRAMS.

214. IT'S 8:00 AND TIME FOR THE NEWS.

215. GOOD EVENING, HERE IS THE NEWS FOR PARROTS.

216. NO PARROTS WERE INVOLVED IN AN ACCIDENT ON THE M-1 TODAY

217. WHEN A LORRY CARRYING HIGH- OCTANE FUEL WAS IN COLLISION

218. WITH A BOLLARD.

219. THAT IS A BOLLARD AND NOT A PARROT.

220. A SPOKESMAN FOR PARROTS SAID

221. HE WAS GLAD NO PARROTS WERE INVOLVED.

222. THE MINISTER OF TECHNOLOGY TODAY MET THE THREE RUSSIAN LEADERS

223. TO DISCUSS A £4 MILLION AIRLINER DEAL.

224. NONE OF THEM WENT IN THE CAGE

225. OR SWUNG ON THE LITTLE WOODEN TRAPEZE

226. OR ATE ANY OF THE NICE MILLET SEED... YUM, YUM.

227. THAT'S THE END OF THE NEWS.

228. NOW OUR PROGRAMS FOR PARROTS CONTINUE

229. WITH PART THREE OF A TALE OF TWO CITIES

230. SPECIALLY ADAPTED FOR PARROTS BY JOEY BOY.

231. DR. MANETTE IS IN ENGLAND, AFTER 18 YEARS IN THE BASTILLE.

232. HIS DAUGHTER, LUCY, AWAITS HER LOVER, CHARLES DARNAY

233. WHOM WE HAVE JUST LEARNED

234. IS IN FACT THE NEPHEW OF THE MARQUIS de ST. EVREMONDE

235. WHOSE CRUELTY HAD PLACED MANETTE IN THE BASTILLE.

236. DARNAY ARRIVES TO FIND LUCY TENDING HER AGED FATHER.

237. 'ALLO, 'ALLO!

238. 'ALLO, 'ALLO, 'ALLO!

239. WHO'S A PRETTY BOY, THEN?

240. WHO'S A PRETTY BOY?

241. AND WHILE THAT'S GOING ON, HERE IS THE NEWS FOR GIBBONS.

242. NO GIBBONS WERE INVOLVED...

243. AND WHILE THAT'S GOING ON, HERE FROM WESTMINSTER

244. IS A PARLIAMENTARY REPORT FOR HUMANS.

245. IN THE DEBATE, A SPOKESMAN ACCUSED THE GOVERNMENT

246. OF BEING SILLY AND DOING NOT AT ALL GOOD THINGS.

247. THE MEMBER ACCEPTED THIS IN A SPIRIT OF HEALTHY CRITICISM

248. BUT DENIED THAT HE'D EVER BEEN NAUGHTY WITH A CHOIRBOY.

249. ANGRY SHOUTS OF "WHAT ABOUT THE WATERMELON, THEN?"

250. WERE ORDERED BY THE SPEAKER TO BE STRICKEN FROM THE RECORD

251. AND PUT INTO A BROWN PAPER BAG IN THE LAVVY.

252. ANY FURTHER INTERRUPTIONS WOULD BE CUT OFF

253. AND DISTRIBUTED AMONGST THE POOR.

254. FOR THE GOVERNMENT, A FRONT BENCH SPOKESMAN SAID

255. THE AGRICULTURAL TARIFF WOULD HAVE TO BE RAISED

256. AND HE FANCIED A BIT.

257. FURTHERMORE, HE ARGUED

258. THIS WOULD GIVE A LARGE BOOST TO FARMERS, AND A LOT OF FUN

259. TO HIM, HIS FRIEND AND MISS MOIST OF KNIGHTSBRIDGE.

260. FROM THE BACK BENCHES

261. THERE WERE OPPOSITION SHOUTS OF "POSTCARDS FOR SALE!"

262. AND A HEALTHY CRY OF "WHO LIKES A SAILOR, THEN?"

263. FROM THE MINISTER WITHOUT PORTFOLIO.

264. REPLYING, THE SHADOW MINISTER SAID

265. HE COULD NO LONGER DENY THE RUMORS

266. BUT HE AND THE DACHSHUND WERE VERY HAPPY.

267. AND, IN ANY CASE, HE ARGUED, RHUBARB WAS CHEAP

268. AND WHAT WAS THE HARM IN A SAUNA BATH.

269. WERE NOT INVOLVED.

270. THE MINISTER OF TECHNOLOGY MET THE THREE RUSSIAN LEADERS TODAY

271. TO DISCUSS A £4 MILLION AIRLINER DEAL.

272. NONE OF THEM WERE INDIGENOUS TO AUSTRALIA

273. CARRIED THEIR BABIES IN POUCHES

274. OR ATE ANY OF THOSE YUMMY EUCALYPTUS LEAVES.

275. YUM, YUM.

276. THAT'S THE NEWS FOR WOMBATS, AND NOW ATTILA THE BUN!

277. WELL, THAT'S ALL FOR ATTILA THE BUN.

278. AND NOW, IDIOTS.

279. ARTHUR FIGGIS IS AN IDIOT, A VILLAGE IDIOT.

280. TONIGHT WE LOOK AT THE IDIOT IN SOCIETY.

281. WELL, I FEEL VERY KEENLY

282. THAT THE IDIOT IS A PART OF THE OLD VILLAGE SYSTEM

283. AND, AS SUCH, HAS A VITAL ROLE TO PLAY

284. IN THE MODERN RURAL SOCIETY, BECAUSE, YOU SEE...

285. OOH, AR, OOH, AR!

286. OOH, AR, THANKEE, VICAR.

287. BECAUSE THERE IS THIS VERY REAL NEED IN SOCIETY

288. FOR SOMEONE WHOM ALMOST ANYONE CAN LOOK DOWN ON AND RIDICULE.

289. AND THIS IS THE ROLE THAT...

290. THANK YOU, MRS. THOMPSON.

291. THIS IS THE ROLE THAT I AND MEMBERS OF MY FAMILY

292. HAVE FULFILLED IN THIS VILLAGE FOR THE PAST 400 YEARS.

293. AH, GOOD MORNING, MR. JENKINS.

294. I.C.I. HAVE INCREASED THEIR HALF-YEARLY DIVIDEND, I SEE.

295. YES, SPLENDID.

296. THAT'S MR. JENKINS, HE'S ANOTHER IDIOT.

297. AND SO, YOU SEE, THE IDIOT DOES PROVIDE

298. A VITAL PSYCHO-SOCIAL SERVICE FOR THIS COMMUNITY.

299. OH, EXCUSE ME.

300. A COACH PARTY'S JUST ARRIVED.

301. I SHALL HAVE TO FALL OFF THE WALL, I'M AFRAID.

302. ARTHUR TAKES IDIOTTING SERIOUSLY.

303. HE IS UP AT 6:00 EVERY MORNING

304. WORKING ON SPECIAL TRAINING EQUIPMENT

305. DESIGNED TO KEEP HIM SILLY.

306. AND, OF COURSE, HE TAKES GREAT PRIDE IN HIS APPEARANCE.

307. LIKE THE DOCTOR, THE BLACKSMITH, THE CARPENTER

308. MR. FIGGIS IS AN IMPORTANT FIGURE IN THIS VILLAGE.

309. LIKE THEM, HE USES THE LOCAL BANK.

310. YES, WE HAVE QUITE A NUMBER OF IDIOTS BANKING HERE.

311. WHAT KIND OF MONEY

312. IS THERE IN IDIOTTING?

313. WELL, NOWADAYS, THE REALLY BLITHERING IDIOT CAN MAKE

314. ANYTHING UP TO £10,000 A YEAR

315. IF HE'S THE HEAD OF SOME BIG INDUSTRIAL COMBINE.

316. BUT, OF COURSE, THE MORE OLD-FASHIONED IDIOT

317. STILL REFUSES TO TAKE MONEY.

318. HE TAKES BITS OF STRING, WOOD

319. DEAD BUDGERIGARS, SPARROWS, ANYTHING.

320. BUT IT DOES MAKE THE CASHIER'S JOB VERY DIFFICULT.

321. BUT, OF COURSE, THEY'RE FOOLS TO THEMSELVES

322. BECAUSE THE RATE OF INTEREST OVER TEN YEARS

323. ON A PIECE OF MOSS OR A DEAD VOLE

324. IS ALMOST NEGLIGIBLE.

325. MR. BRANDO!

326. YES?

327. HOLLYWOOD ON THE PHONE.

328. I'LL TAKE IT IN THE OFFICE.

329. BUT MR. FIGGIS IS NO ORDINARY IDIOT.

330. HE IS A LECTURER IN IDIOCY

331. AT THE UNIVERSITY OF EASTANGLIA.

332. HERE HE IS TAKING A CLASS OF THIRD-YEAR STUDENTS.

333. AFTER THREE YEARS OF STUDY

334. THESE APPRENTICE IDIOTS RECEIVE A DIPLOMA OF IDIOCY

335. A HANDFUL OF MUD...

336. AND A KICK ON THE HEAD.

337. SOME OF THE OLDER IDIOTS RESENT THE GRADUATE IDIOT.

338. I'M A COMPLETELY SELF-TAUGHT IDIOT.

339. I MEAN...

340. NOBODY DOES THAT ANYMORE.

341. ANYBODY WHO DID THAT ROUND HERE

342. WOULD BE LAUGHED OFF THE STREET.

343. NO, NOWADAYS, PEOPLE WANT SOMETHING WITTIER.

344. KEVIN O'NASSIS WORKS LARGELY WITH WALLS.

345. WHOA!

346. WELL, YOU'VE GOT TO KNOW WHAT YOU'RE DOING.

347. I MEAN, SOME PEOPLE THINK I'M MAD.

348. THE VILLAGERS SAY I'M MAD, THE TOURISTS SAY I'M MAD.

349. WELL, I AM MAD, BUT I'M NATURALLY MAD.

350. I DON'T USE ANY CHEMICALS.

351. WHOA!

352. BUT WHAT OF THE IDIOT'S PRIVATE LIFE?

353. HOW ABOUT HIS RELATIONSHIP WITH WOMEN?

354. WELL, I MAY BE AN IDIOT, BUT I'M NO FOOL.

355. BUT THE VILLAGE IDIOT'S DIRTY SMOCKAND WALL-FALLING

356. ARE A FAR CRY FROM THE MODERN WORLD OF THE URBAN IDIOT.

357. WHAT KINDS OF BACKGROUNDS DO THESE CITY IDIOTS COME FROM?

358. UH... UH...

359. THE HEADQUARTERS OF THESE URBAN IDIOTS

360. IS HERE IN ST. JOHN'S WOOD.

361. INSIDE, THEY CAN EN JOY THE COMPANY OF OTHER IDIOTS

362. AND WATCH SPECIAL PERFORMANCES OF RITUAL IDIOTTING.

363. WELL LEFT.

364. WELL-PLAYED.

365. WELL, WELL.

366. WELL-BRED.

367. GOOD AFTERNOON AND WELCOME TO LORDS

368. ON THE SECOND DAY OF THE FIRST TEST.

369. SO FAR TODAY, WE'VE HAD FIVE HOURS BATTING FROM ENGLAND

370. AND ALREADY THEY'RE NAUGHT FOR NAUGHT.

371. COWDREY IS NOT OUT NAUGHT, AND NAUGHTON IS NOT IN.

372. KNOTT IS IN AND IS NAUGHT FOR NOT OUT.

373. NAUGHTON OF NORTHANTS GOT A NASTY KNOCK ON THE NUT

374. IN THE NETS LAST NIGHT, BUT IT'S NOTHING OF NOTE.

375. NEXT IN IS NAT NEWTON OF NOTTS.

376. NOT NUTTING... NUTTING'S AT NINE.

377. NUTTING KNOCKED NEATIE NIGHTIE KNOCK... KNOCK...

378. ANYWAY, ENGLAND HAVE PLAYED EXTREMELY WELL FOR NOTHING...

379. NOT A SAUSAGE... IN REPLY

380. TO ICELAND'S FIRST INNINGS TOTAL OF 722 FOR TWO DECLARED

381. SCORED YESTERDAY DISAPPOINTINGLY FAST IN ONLY 21 OVERS

382. WITH LOTS OF WILD SLOGGING AND BOUNDARIES

383. AND ALL SORTS OF RUBBISHY THINGS.

384. BUT THE MAIN THING IS THAT ENGLAND HAVE MADE

385. AN ABSOLUTELY OUTSTANDING START SO FAR.

386. PETER?

387. SPLENDID.

388. JUST LISTEN TO THOSE THIGHS.

389. AND NOW IT'S THE NORTH EAST'S TURN WITH THE SAMBA... BRIAN?

390. RATHER I'M REMINDED OF THE STORY

391. OF GUBBY ALLEN IN '32...

392. OH, SHUT UP OR WE'LL CLOSE THE BAR.

393. AND NOW BO WILDEBURG IS RUNNING UP TO BOWL TO COWDREY.

394. HE RUNS UP, HE BOWLS TO COWDREY...

395. AND NO SHOT AT ALL.

396. EXTREMELY WELL NOT PLAYED THERE.

397. YES, BEAUTIFULLY NOT DONE ANYTHING ABOUT.

398. A SUPERB SHOT OF NO KIND WHATSOEVER.

399. I WELL REMEMBER PLUM WARNER

400. LEAVING A VERY SIMILAR BALL ALONE IN 1732.

401. OH, SHUT UP, LONG NOSE.

402. AND NOW IT'S BO WILDEBURG RUNNING IN AGAIN

403. TO BOWL TO COWDREY.

404. HE RUNS IN, HE BOWLS TO COWDREY...

405. AND NO SHOT AT ALL.

406. A SUPERB DISPLAY OF INERTIA THERE.

407. AND THAT'S THE END OF THE OVER, AND DRINKS.

408. GIN AND TONIC, PLEASE.

409. NO, NO, THE PLAYERS ARE HAVING DRINKS.

410. AND NOW WHAT'S HAPPENING?

411. I THINK COWDREY'S BEING TAKEN...

412. YES, COWDREY IS BEING CARRIED OFF.

413. WELL, I NEVER!

414. NOW, WHO'S IN NEXT?

415. IT SHOULD BE NUMBER THREE, NATT NEWTON OF NOTTS.

416. GET YOUR HAND OFF MY THIGH, WEST.

417. NO, I DON'T THINK IT IS.

418. I THINK IT'S... IT'S THE SOFA... NO, IT'S THE CHESTERFIELD.

419. THE GREEN CHESTERFIELD IS COMING IN AT NUMBER THREE

420. TO TAKE GUARD NOW.

421. I WELL REMEMBER A SIMILAR DIVAN

422. BEING BROUGHT ON AT HEADINGLEY IN 9 B.C.

423. AGAINST THE DARKIES.

424. OH, SHUT UP, ELEPHANT SNOUT.

425. AND NOW THE GREEN CHESTERFIELD HAS TAKEN GUARD

426. AND, AH! ICELAND ARE PUTTING ON THEIR SPIN DRYER TO BOWL.

427. THE SPIN DRYER MOVING BACK TO HIS MARK

428. IT RUNS OUT TO THE WICKET, BOWLS TO THE TABLE...

429. A LITTLE BIT SHORT, BUT IT'S COMING IN A BIT THERE

430. AND IT'S HIT HIM ON THE PAD!

431. THERE'S AN APPEAL AND THE TABLE IS OUT... LEG BEFORE WICKET.

432. THAT IS ENGLAND NAUGHT FOR ONE.

433. AND NOW WE LEAVE LORDS AND GO OVER TO EPSOM FOR THE 3:00.

434. WELL, HERE AT EPSOM, WE TAKE UP THE RUNNING

435. WITH 50 YARDS OF THIS MILE-AND-A-HALF RACE TO GO

436. AND IT'S THE WASH BASIN IN THE LEAD FROM W.C. PEDESTAL.

437. TUCKED IN NICELY THERE IS THE SOFA GOING VERY WELL

438. WITH JOANNA SOUTHCOTT'S BOX

439. MAKING A GOOD RUN FROM HAT STAND ON THE RAILS.

440. AND THE STANDARD LAMP IS FADING FAST

441. BUT IT'S WASH BASIN DEFINITELY TAKING UP THE RUNNING NOW

442. BEING STRONGLY PRESSED BY W.C.

443. AT THE POST, IT'S THE WASH BASIN FROM W.C.

444. THEN SOFA, HAT STAND, STANDARD LAMP

445. AND LASTLY, JOANNA SOUTHCOTT'S BOX.

446. OPEN THE BOX! OPEN THE BOX!

447. OPEN THE BOX!

448. OPEN THE BOX!

449. AND COULD WE HAVE THE NEXT CONTENDER, PLEASE?

450. GOOD EVENING, MADAM.

451. AND YOUR NAME IS?

452. YES, YES.

453. AND WHAT'S YOUR NAME?

454. I GO TO CHURCH REGULARLY.

455. JOLLY GOOD, I SEE.

456. AND WHICH PRIZE DO YOU HAVE

457. PARTICULAR EYES ON THIS EVENING?

458. OH, I'D LIKE THE BLOW ON THE HEAD.

459. THE BLOW ON THE HEAD.

460. JUST THERE.

461. JOLLY GOOD.

462. WELL, YOUR FIRST QUESTION

463. FOR THE BLOW ON THE

464. WHAT GREAT OPPONENT OF CARTESIAN DUALISM

465. RESISTS THE REDUCTION OF PSYCHOLOGICAL PHENOMENA

466. TO PHYSICAL STATES?

467. I DON'T KNOW THAT!

468. WELL, HAVE A GUESS.

469. HENRI BERGSON.

470. IS THE CORRECT ANSWER!

471. OH, THAT WAS LUCKY.

472. I NEVER EVEN HEARD OF HIM.

473. JOLLY GOOD.

474. I DON'T LIKE DARKIES.

475. WHO DOES?

476. AND NOW YOUR SECOND QUESTION

477. FOR THE BLOW

478. WHAT IS THE MAIN FOOD THAT PENGUINS EAT?

479. PORK LUNCHEON MEAT.

480. NO.

481. SPAM?

482. NO, NO, NO, WHAT DO PENGUINS EAT?

483. PENGUINS.

484. PENGUINS?

485. YES.

486. I HATE PENGUINS.

487. NO, NO, NO.

488. THEY EAT THEMSELVES.

489. NO, NO, WHAT DO PENGUINS EAT?

490. HORSES! ARMCHAIRS!

491. NO, NO, WHAT DO PENGUINS EAT?

492. OH, PENGUINS.

493. PENGUINS.

494. CANNELLONI.

495. LASAGNA, MOUSSAKA, LOBSTER THERMIDOR

496. ESCALOPES DE VEAU A L'ESTRAGON AVEC ENDIVES

497. GRATINEED WITH CHEESE.

498. NO, I'LL GIVE YOU A CLUE.

499. AH! BRIAN CLOSE.

500. NO, NO.

501. BRIAN INGLIS, BRIAN JOHNSON, BRYAN FORBES.

502. NO, NO.

503. NANETTE NEWMAN.

504. NO, WHAT SWIMS IN THE SEA

505. AND GETS CAUGHT IN NETS?

506. HENRI BERGSON.

507. NO!

508. GOATS.

509. UNDERWATER GOATS WITH SNORKELS AND FLIPPERS.

510. A BUFFALO WITH AN AQUALUNG.

511. NO.

512. REGINALD MAUDLING.

513. YES, THAT'S NEAR ENOUGH, I'LL GIVE YOU THAT.

514. RIGHT NOW, MRS. SCUM, YOU HAVE WON YOUR PRIZE.

515. DO YOU STILL WANT THE BLOW ON THE HEAD?

516. YES, YES.

517. I'LL OFFER YOU A POKE IN THE EYE.

518. NO, I WANT THE BLOW ON THE HEAD.

519. A PUNCH IN THE THROAT?

520. NO!

521. ALL RIGHT THEN, A KICK IN THE KNEECAP.

522. NO.

523. MRS. SCUM, I'M OFFERING YOU A BOOT IN THE TEETH

524. AND A DAGGER UP THE STRAP.

525. ER...

526. TAKE THE BLOW ON THE HEAD!

527. NO, I'LL TAKE THE BLOW ON THE HEAD.

528. VERY WELL THEN, MRS. SCUM

529. YOU HAVE WON TONIGHT'S STAR PRIZE...

530. THE BLOW ON THE HEAD!