Monty Python's Flying Circus 2x5

1. Monty Python's Flying Circus tonight comes to you live

2. from the Grillomat Snack Bar, Paignton.

3. Hello to you, live from the Grillomat.

4. Snack Bar, Paignton.

5. And so, uh, without any more

6. ado, let's have the titles.

7. It's...

8. Monty Python's Flying Circus.

9. Well, those were the titles.

10. And now for the first item this evening on the menu

11. the team has chosen as a little hors d'oeuvre

12. an item, and I think we can be sure it won't be

13. an ordinary item.

14. In fact, the team told me just before the show

15. that anything could happen and probably would.

16. So let's have the item.

17. Hello, good evening, and welcome to Blackmail.

18. And to start tonight's program, we go north to Preston

19. in Lancashire and Mrs. Betty Teal.

20. Hello, Mrs. Teal.

21. Now this is for £15, and it's to stop us revealing

22. the name of your lover in Bolton.

23. So, Mrs. Teal, send us £15 by return of post, please,

24. and your husband Trevor, and your lovely children,

25. Diane, Janice and Juliet, need never know the name

26. of your lover in Bolton.

27. And now a letter a hotel registration book

28. and a series of photographs,

29. which could add up to divorce, premature retirement

30. and possible criminal proceedings

31. for a company director in Bromsgrove.

32. He's a Freemason and a prospective Tory MP.

33. That's Mr. S. Of Bromsgrove.

34. Three thousand pounds, please, to stop us revealing

35. your name, the name of the three other people involved,

36. the youth organization to which they belong,

37. and the shop where you bought the equipment.

38. We'll be showing you more of that photograph

39. later in the program unless we hear

40. from Charles or Michael.

41. And now it's time for our "Stop the Film" spot.

42. The rules are very simple.

43. We have taken a film which contains compromising scenes

44. and unpleasant details, which

45. could wreck a man's career.

46. But the victim may phone me at

47. any point and stop the film.

48. But remember, the money increases as the film goes on.

49. So the longer you leave it, the more you have to pay.

50. So now, with the clock at £300,

51. this week, "Stop the Film"

52. visited Thames Ditton.

53. He's really brave here.

54. Hello, sir. Hello, yes.

55. No sir, no, I'm sure you didn't. Heh.

56. No, it's all right, sir, we don't morally censure,

57. we just want the money.

58. Yes, and here's the address to send it to:

59. Not at all, sir. Thank you.

60. Ah. Sorr... Sorry chaps, it was my mother.

61. Ah.

62. Ah, gentlemen, pray silence, for the President

63. of the Royal Society for Putting Things

64. on Top of Other Things.

65. I thank you, gentlemen.

66. The year has been a good one for the society.

67. This year, our members have put more things on top

68. of other things than ever before.

69. But I should warn you this is no time for complacency.

70. No. There are still many things, and I cannot emphasize

71. this too strongly not on top of other things.

72. I, myself, on my way here this evening, saw a thing

73. that was not on top of another thing in any way.

74. Shame! Shame!

75. Shame indeed.

76. But we must not allow ourselves

77. to become too despondent.

78. For we must never forget that if there was not

79. one thing that was not on top of another thing,

80. our society would be nothing more than a meaningless

81. body of men that gathered together

82. for no good purpose.

83. Bravo, bravo.

84. But we flourish.

85. This year, our Australasian members

86. and the various organizations affiliated

87. to our Australasian branches,

88. put no fewer than 22 things on top of other things.

89. Well done. All of you.

90. But there is one cloud on the horizon.

91. In this last year, our Staffordshire branch

92. has not succeeded in putting

93. one thing on top of another.

94. Shame! Shame!

95. Therefore... Therefore, I call upon

96. our Staffordshire delegate to explain this

97. weird behavior.

98. Indeed. Indeed.

99. Cutler, Staffordshire.

100. Um... well, Mr. Chairman, it's just that most of

101. the members in Staffordshire feel... whole thing's

102. a bit silly.

103. Silly?

104. Silly?!

105. I suppose it is a bit.

106. What have we been doing wasting our lives

107. with all this nonsense?

108. Right. Okay.

109. Meeting adjourned forever.

110. Here, here.

111. Good Lord.

112. I'm on film.

113. How did that happen?

114. It's film again.

115. What's going on?

116. Gentlemen, I have bad news.

117. This room is surrounded by film.

118. What? What?

119. We're... We're trapped!

120. Don't panic.

121. We'll get out of this. How?

122. We'll tunnel our way out.

123. Good thinking, sir.

124. I'll get the horse.

125. Okay, Captain. You detail three men, start digging,

126. and load them up with cutlery.

127. Sir.

128. And then we'll have a rota.

129. We'll have two hours digging,

130. two hours vaulting and then two hours sleeping, okay?

131. All right, Medwin, let's see you get over that horse.

132. Pick your feet up, Medwin.

133. Come on, boy!

134. Stupid English.

135. They are prisoners, and all they do is the sport.

136. One thing worries me, Fritz.

137. Yeah?

138. Where's the traditional cheeky

139. and lovable Cockney sergeant?

140. Cheer up, Fritz, it may never happen.

141. ♪ Maybe it's because I'm a Londoner ♪

142. Good. Everything seems to be in order.

143. ♪ That I love London so ♪

144. Colonel. I've just found another exit, sir.

145. Okay. Quickly, run this way.

146. If we could run that way... Sorry.

147. Oh, I'm... I'm terribly sorry.

148. Excuse me.

149. Ah.

150. Hello. Um, well, they certainly

151. seem to be in a tight spot, and I spot our next item.

152. So let's get straight on with the fun and go over to

153. the next item, or dish.

154. Hello. How are you?

155. I'm fine. Welcome to a new half-hour chat show

156. in which me, viz the man what's talking to you now,

157. and Brooky, to wit, my flatmate and nothing else

158. I'd like to emphasize that discuss current affairs

159. issues of burning import.

160. Have you heard the one

161. about the three nuns in the nudist colony?

162. Shut up. Tonight, the population explosion.

163. There were these three nuns... Shut up.

164. Come the year 1991, given the present rate of increase

165. in the world's population, the Chinese will be

166. three deep.

167. Another thing... Sorry, love, sorry.

168. The show is too long this week,

169. and this scene's been cut.

170. Lord Hill's at the bottom of this.

171. But if you can find a piano stool,

172. you can appear later on on the show in film.

173. How much?

174. Oh, about ten bob each?

175. I wouldn't wipe me nose on it.

176. Have you heard the one about these three nuns? Shh.

177. I can hear something.

178. Hang about. We may still get in this show as a link.

179. That's clever.

180. How do they do that?

181. Color separation, you cotton head.

182. What's all this?

183. Some sort of lever.

184. Lever? Well, pull it.

185. Pull the lever.

186. Come on, pull it.

187. No, that's not right.

188. That's got it.

189. Oh. What's this?

190. So, British pig, we meet again.

191. What?

192. That bitch!

193. He spilled the entire bottle of Chateau Latour.

194. Everything.

195. It's a disaster!

196. Yeah.

197. Shut up, the lot of you!

198. Over here, Sir William.

199. Sir William, over here.

200. Over here.

201. Now stay there.

202. What are we gonna do now?

203. I don't know.

204. How are we going to get out of this? No idea.

205. Well, what shall we do?

206. Don't jump! Don't jump!

207. What?

208. Please don't jump! Think of the little ones!

209. We weren't going to jump.

210. Don't jump!

211. The fire brigade's coming!

212. What?

213. Don't jump! Don't jump!

214. My God, he's coming back!

215. Well, they seem to be in another tight spot.

216. Um... Could you...?

217. Could you...?

218. Could you keep it down a little, please.

219. Thank you so much. And... Could you keep it down...

220. Down, please?

221. Thank you.

222. Well, and now we move on to our to our main course:

223. uh, prawn salad.

224. Prawn salad?

225. Well, if you'll just wait in here, sir,

226. I'm sure Mr. Thompson won't keep you waiting long.

227. Fine. Thanks very much.

228. Uh... The, uh, mirror fell off the wall.

229. Sir?

230. Uh, the mirror fell off...

231. Off... Off the wall. It fell.

232. I see.

233. You'd better wait here.

234. I'll get a cloth.

235. Uh, i-it came off the wall. Yes, sir?

236. It just came right off the wall.

237. Really, sir?

238. Yes. I I didn't touch it.

239. Of course not.

240. It just fell off the wall.

241. Yes, i-it just fell off the wall.

242. Don't move.

243. I'll get help.

244. Yes. Uh... Fell off the wall.

245. Oh, my God! What a mess!

246. Here, did you do this?

247. Uh, no. No, I didn't do all this.

248. Uh, it-it did it all.

249. Oh. Well... Here. Hold this.

250. I'll get started.

251. Oh. It's jolly nice.

252. What is it?

253. Hmm? Oh, it's a Brazilian dagger.

254. Oops! Oh!

255. Oh. Oh.

256. Uh, sh... She just, uh, fell, uh, on... onto the

257. the dagger.

258. Yes, of course she did, sir.

259. Yeah, s-she just g-gave me the dagger and tripped,

260. and went, "Oops."

261. Oh, yes, sir. I understand.

262. You know, I mean, I didn't...

263. Oh, no, of course not, sir.

264. I... I understand.

265. I mean, she... She just, uh... She just fell?

266. Fell.

267. Terribly sorry.

268. That's him.

269. Right, sir.

270. Oh, hello, Officer.

271. Um, there seems to have been an accident.

272. Well, uh, s-several accidents actually.

273. That's right, sir. Would you come this way, please?

274. It's me... me heart, sir.

275. You swine! I'll get you for that.

276. Uh... I won't wait.

277. I'll phone.

278. Sorry.

279. Did we get out?

280. Well, I think we're really out this time.

281. Yeah?

282. Oh, jolly good.

283. Now, where's the school hall?

284. I think it's over there.

285. Come on.

286. Right. Come on.

287. Fine.

288. Very good.

289. ♪ Oh, Mr. Belpit ♪

290. ♪ Your legs are so swollen ♪

291. Excuse me.

292. Is... Is that the school hall?

293. Um, I'm sorry, I don't know.

294. I'm not in this one.

295. I... I'm in next week's, I think.

296. Oh. Come on.

297. Oh, Mr. Belpit!

298. Oh, here we are.

299. Ah, well, they seem to have linked that themselves.

300. So there's no need for me to interrupt at all.

301. So, uh, back to the school hall.

302. Seven Brides for Seven Brothers.

303. 'Tis time the seven Smith brothers had brides.

304. Fetch me Smith, Major.

305. Sir.

306. 'Tis time you and your six brothers were married.

307. Thank you, headmaster.

308. Fetch me your six brothers, that the seven brothers

309. may be together.

310. Behold, the seven brothers.

311. Right, I'll see Watson, Wilkins and Spratt

312. in my study afterwards.

313. But...

314. But where shall we find seven brides

315. for seven brothers?

316. The Sabine School for Girls.

317. Yes, and it's the Annual Dance.

318. Fetch hither the seven brides for seven brothers.

319. Behold the seven brides.

320. Fetch hither the padre, that the seven brides

321. may marry the seven brothers.

322. Fetch hither the master on duty, that the seven brides

323. may marry the seven brothers.

324. Sorry I'm late, headmaster. I've been wrestling with Plato.

325. What you do in your own time, padre,

326. is written on the wall in the vestry.

327. Right. Ahem.

328. Do you four boys take these two girls to be

329. your seven brides?

330. Yes, sir.

331. Right. Go and do your prep.

332. Yes, sir.

333. I say, Teddy. You said something, Neddy?

334. That's right, I did, Teddy.

335. Well, what is it, Neddy?

336. Piggy banks, Teddy.

337. Piggy banks, Neddy?

338. Yes, I want to hunt piggy banks, Teddy.

339. You want to hunt piggy banks, Neddy?

340. That's right, Teddy.

341. I've got him, Teddy.

342. Time to bring home the bacon, Neddy.

343. That's not bacon.

344. That's sirloin, Teddy.

345. Can't be sirloin.

346. Not from a piggy, Neddy.

347. But that's sirloin, Teddy.

348. No, it isn't, Neddy.

349. Is, Teddy.

350. Isn't, Neddy.

351. Is, Teddy.

352. Isn't, Neddy.

353. Is, Teddy.

354. Mm. Looks like I've been playing the fool, Neddy.

355. Mm. That's all right, Teddy.

356. Thanks awfully, Neddy.

357. Thanks a lot.

358. No, no, no.

359. Doesn't matter at all.

360. Jolly civil.

361. No. Perfectly all right.

362. I'd do the same for you.

363. Good morning. I'd care to purchase a chicken, please.

364. Don't come here with that posh talk, you nasty,

365. stuck-up twit.

366. I beg your pardon?

367. A chicken, sir? Certainly.

368. Thank you.

369. And how much does that

370. work out to per pound, my good fellow?

371. Per pound, you slimy trollop?

372. What kind of a ponce are you?

373. I'm sorry?

374. Four and six a pound, sir.

375. Nice and ready for roasting.

376. I see. And I'd care to

377. purchase some stuffing in addition, please.

378. Use your own, you great poofy poonagger.

379. What?

380. Ah, certainly, sir.

381. Some stuffing.

382. Oh. Thank you.

383. "Oh, thank you,"

384. says the queen, like a la-di-da poofter.

385. I beg your pardon?

386. That's all right, sir.

387. Call again.

388. Excuse me.

389. What is it now, you great pillock?

390. Well, I can't help noticing that you insult me,

391. and then you're polite to me alternately.

392. I'm terribly sorry to hear that, sir.

393. Its all right.

394. Doesn't really matter.

395. Tough titty if it did, you nasty, spotted prancer.

396. Ah.

397. Oh. Uh, so sorry, I asked for tea.

398. Would you...?

399. Thank you very much.

400. Well, uh, we've had the dessert.

401. And then... And so the first item... The last item on

402. our menu of fun is the coffee.

403. No, I did ask for tea.

404. But you just said, "Coffee."

405. No, no. That was just my announcement.

406. It's just a metaphor.

407. We come... He just said he wants tea... Would you mind

408. keeping it down, please?

409. We come as as I said just now to the coffee.

410. There, he said it again!

411. Shut up!

412. This is Ken Clean-Air System, the great white hope

413. of the British boxing world.

414. After three fights and only two convictions,

415. his manager believes that Ken is now ready

416. to face the giant American, Satellite Five.

417. The great thing about Ken is, is that he's almost

418. totally stupid.

419. Every morning, he jogs the 47 miles

420. from his two-bedroom, eight-bathroom,

421. six-up, two-down, three-to-go house in Reigate

422. to the Government's Pesticide.

423. Research Centre at Shoreham.

424. Nobody knows why.

425. Basically, Ken is a very gentle, home-loving person.

426. I remember when one of his

427. stick insects had a knee infection.

428. He stayed up all night, rubbing it with Germolene

429. then banging its head on the table.

430. Oh, such a pretty baby, always so kind and gentle,

431. and really considerate to his mother,

432. and not at all the kind of person you'd expect

433. to pulverize their opponent into a bloody mass of flesh

434. and raw bone, spitting teeth and fragments of gum

435. into a ring which had become one man's hell

436. and Ken's glory.

437. Every morning at his little three-room semi

438. near Reading, Ken gets up at 3:00.

439. And goes back to bed again because it's far too early.

440. At 7:00 Ken gets up, he has a quick shower, a rubdown,

441. gets into his tracksuit and goes back to bed again.

442. At 7:50 every morning, Ken's trainer runs

443. the 13,000 miles from his two-room lean-to

444. in Bangkok and gets him up.

445. I used to wake Ken up with a crowbar

446. on the back of the head.

447. But I recently found that this

448. was too far from his brain,

449. and I wasn't getting through to him anymore.

450. So I now wake him up with a steel peg

451. driven into his skull with a mallet.

452. For breakfast every day, Ken places a plate of liver

453. and bacon under his chair and locks himself

454. in the cupboard.

455. Well, he's having a lot of mental difficulties

456. with his breakfasts.

457. Uh, but it's his temperament caused by a small particle

458. of brain in his skull.

459. Once we've removed that, he'll be perfectly all right.

460. At 8:30, the real training begins.

461. Ken goes back to bed, and his trainer gets him up.

462. At 10:30 every morning, Ken arrives at what

463. he thinks is the gym.

464. Sometimes it's a sweet shop.

465. Sometimes it's a private house.

466. Today it's a hospital.

467. Hi. Could you please tell me where the training is?

468. Certainly. Um, yeah.

469. Go straight down there.

470. Straight down there. Down there.

471. Straight down there.

472. Down there. All right.

473. For lunch Ken crouches down beside the road

474. and rubs gravel into his hair.

475. But lunch doesn't take long.

476. Ken's soon up on his feet and back to bed.

477. And his trainer has to run the 49,000 miles

478. from his two-bedroom six-living-room tree house

479. in Kyoto to wake him up.

480. Hello. Eh, when Ken is in a really

481. deep sleep like this one, uh, the only way to wake

482. him up is to saw his head off.

483. What is he like in the ring, this human dynamo,

484. this 18-stone bantamweight battering ram?

485. We asked his sparring partner and one-time childhood

486. sweetheart, Maureen Spencer.

487. Well, I... I think that if Ken, uh, keeps his right up,

488. gets in with the left jab, and, uh,

489. takes the fight to his man, well, uh, he should go

490. for a cut eye in the third and, uh, put Wilcox

491. on the canvas by six.

492. Ken's opponent in Tuesday's fight is Petula Wilcox,

493. the Birmingham girl who was a shorthand typist

494. before turning pro in 1968.

495. She's keen on knitting and likes Cliff Richard records.

496. How does she rate her chances against Ken?

497. Well... I'm a southpaw.

498. And I think this will confuse him, particularly with

499. his brain problem.

500. My lords, ladies, and gedderbong.

501. On my right from the town of Reigate,

502. in the county of Kent, the heavyweight.

503. Mr. Ken Clean-Air System!

504. And on my left, Miss Petula Wilcox.

505. I think boxing is a splendid sport.

506. Teaches you self-defense.

507. Obviously, boxing must have its limits.

508. But providing they're both perfectly fit,

509. I can see nothing wrong with one healthy man

510. beating the living daylights

511. out of a little schoolgirl.

512. It's quick, and it's fun.

513. ♪ Raindrops keep falling On my head ♪

514. Oh. No, he's gone.

515. But he left a message.

516. Jack! Where's that note that fellow left?

517. Oh.

518. Here you are.

519. It says, "Sorry, had to catch the last bus.

520. Am on the 49B to Babbacombe."

521. Oh, uh... there you are. Hello.

522. Um, you got the note.

523. Jolly good.

524. Well, um, that's all the items that

525. we have for you this week.

526. And, uh, what a jolly nice lot of items too, eh?

527. Um... Well, the same team will be

528. back with you again next week with another menu

529. full of items.

530. Um I don't know if I shall be introducing the show

531. next week as I understand that my bits in this show

532. have not been received quite as well as they might.

533. But, uh... never mind.

534. The damage is done.

535. No use crying over spilt milk.

536. I've had my chance, and I've muffed it.

537. Anyway, heh, there we are.

538. I'm not really awfully good with words.

539. You see, I'm more of a visual performer.

540. I have a very funny... Though I say so myself.

541. A very funny funny walk.

542. I wish I'd been in that show.

543. I'd have done rather well.

544. But anyway, there we are.

545. Show's over.

546. And, uh, we'll all be... They'll all be back

547. with you again next week.

548. Sorry.

549. I do beg your pardon.

550. I don't like these blatant displays of emotion.

551. I wish it would say, "The end."