Monty Python's Flying Circus 2x4

Directed by Ian MacNaughton

More surreal humour from the Monty Python team. Sketches include The Architects, How to Recognise a Mason, Poets and the Chemist sketch.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. COMPLETELY DIFFERENT.

2. IT'S...

3. MONTY PYTHON'S FLYING CIRCUS.

4. [Captioning sponsored by THE U.S. DEPARTMENT OF EDUCATION

5. and A&E TELEVISION NETWORKS]

6. HELLO, AND WELCOME TO THE SHOW.

7. CALLED "THE ARCHITECTS SKETCH."

8. THE ARCHITECTS SKETCH!

9. THE ARCHITECTS SKETCH!

10. THE ARCHITECTS SKETCH!

11. UP THERE!

12. UP THERE!

13. UP THERE!

14. GENTLEMEN, WE HAVE

15. FOR THE DESIGN OF THIS...

16. GENTLEMEN, WE HAVE

17. FOR THE DESIGN OF THIS...

18. SHUT UP!

19. GENTLEMEN, WE HAVE TWO BASIC SUGGESTIONS...

20. GENTLEMEN, WE HAVE

21. THE RESIDENTIAL BLOCK.

22. THE ADVANTAGES OF BOTH DESIGNS.

23. THE FIRST ARCHITECT NOW.

24. AH, YES, IT'S MR. WIGGIN OF IRONSIDE AND MALONE.

25. GOOD MORNING, GENTLEMEN.

26. THIS IS A 12-STORY BLOCK

27. OF MODERN DESIGN.

28. IN EXTREME COMFORT,

29. TOWARDS THE ROTATING KNIVES.

30. THE LAST 20 FEET OF THE CORRIDOR ARE HEAVILY SOUNDPROOFED.

31. SLURPS INTO THESE...

32. EXCUSE ME.

33. HMM?

34. DID YOU SAY KNIVES?

35. ROTATING KNIVES, YES.

36. SLAUGHTER OUR TENANTS?

37. WITH YOUR PLANS?

38. NO, WE WANTED A SIMPLE BLOCK OF FLATS.

39. AH! I SEE.

40. I HADN'T CORRECTLY DIVINED YOUR ATTITUDE TOWARDS YOUR TENANTS.

41. SEE, I MAINLY DESIGN SLAUGHTERHOUSES, YES, PITY.

42. MIND YOU, THIS IS A REAL BEAUT.

43. I MEAN, NONE OF YOUR BLOOD

44. WITH THIS ONE.

45. I MEAN, MY LIFE HAS BEEN BUILDING UP TO THIS.

46. YES, AND WELL DONE.

47. A BLOCK OF FLATS.

48. WELL, MAY I ASK YOU TO RECONSIDER?

49. I MEAN, YOU WOULDN'T REGRET IT.

50. THINK OF THE TOURIST TRADE.

51. NO, IT'S JUST THAT WE WANTED

52. AND NOT AN ABATTOIR.

53. YES, WELL, OF COURSE, THAT'S JUST THE SORT

54. I'VE COME TO EXPECT FROM YOU NON-CREATIVE GARBAGE.

55. YOUR LOATHSOME, SPOTTY BEHINDS

56. NOT CARING A TINKER'S CUSS ABOUT THE STRUGGLING ARTIST.

57. YOU EXCREMENT!

58. YOU LOUSY, HYPOCRITICAL,

59. MASONIC HANDSHAKES.

60. YOU WOULDN'T LET ME JOIN,

61. YOU BLACKBALLING BASTARDS!

62. WELL, I WOULDN'T BECOME

63. IF YOU WENT DOWN ON YOUR LOUSY, STINKING, PURULENT KNEES

64. AND BEGGED ME!

65. WELL, WE'RE SORRY

66. A BLOCK OF FLATS...

67. THE ABATTOIR IS.

68. OH... THE ABATTOIR.

69. THAT'S NOT IMPORTANT.

70. I'D LOVE TO BE A FREEMASON.

71. FREEMASONRY OPENS DOORS.

72. I MEAN, I WAS...

73. I WAS A BIT

74. I'D JUST SIT AT THE BACK AND NOT GET IN ANYONE'S WAY.

75. THANK YOU.

76. I'VE GOT A SECONDHAND APRON.

77. THANK YOU.

78. AT HENDON.

79. THANK YOU.

80. I'M SORRY ABOUT THAT, GENTLEMEN.

81. A MR. LEAVEY OF WYMIS AND DIBBLE.

82. GOOD MORNING, GENTLEMEN.

83. OF THE BLOCK.

84. THERE ARE 28 STORIES WITH 280 MODERN APARTMENTS.

85. AND TWO SERVICE LIFTS.

86. FROM DIBBINGLEY ROAD.

87. AND CONCRETE.

88. FLANGED GR...

89. WE'VE ALMOST TOTALLY REMOVED THE RISK OF...

90. QUITE FRANKLY, I THINK

91. MAY NEED STRENGTHENING A BIT.

92. ISN'T THAT GOING TO PUT THE COST UP?

93. IT MIGHT.

94. WELL, I DON'T KNOW WHETHER I'D WORRY

95. THAT MUCH.

96. AFTER ALL, THEY'RE NOT MEANT TO BE LUXURY FLATS.

97. NO, I QUITE AGREE.

98. I MEAN, PROVIDED THE

99. I THINK WE'RE ONTO A WINNER HERE.

100. OH, THANK YOU.

101. QUITE AGREE, QUITE AGREE.

102. THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

103. THANK YOU.

104. IT OPENS DOORS, I'M TELLING YOU.

105. LET'S HAVE A LOOK

106. IN SLOWMOTION.

107. OF RECOGNIZING A MASON?

108. HAVING ONCE IDENTIFIED A MASON,

109. FROM THE GENERAL PUBLIC.

110. OF BEHAVIORAL PSYCHOTHERAPY.

111. AND PUNISHED FOR THE WRONG ONE.

112. LET US BEGIN.

113. BEING A MASON?

114. THINK CAREFULLY.

115. THINK.

116. THINK.

117. NO.

118. NO?

119. THAT'S WRONG!

120. WRONG! WRONG! WRONG! WRONG!

121. NO! NO!

122. BAD! BAD DOG! BAD!

123. FOR THE FOLLOWING ANNOUNCEMENT.

124. OH!

125. CALLED "INSURANCE SKETCH."

126. INSURANCE SKETCH!

127. INSURANCE SKETCH!

128. WHAT DO YOU WANT?

129. WELL, I'VE COME ABOUT YOUR SPECIAL, FULLY COMPREHENSIVE

130. MOTOR INSURANCE POLICY OFFER.

131. WHAT WAS THAT?

132. FOR ONE AND EIGHT PENCE.

133. OH! OH, YEAH.

134. YEAH.

135. WELL, UNFORTUNATELY, GUV

136. THAT OFFER'S NO LONGER VALID.

137. YOU SEE, IT TURNED OUT

138. NOT TO BE

139. A TOTALLY NEW OFFER.

140. WHAT'S THAT?

141. A NUDE LADY.

142. NUDE LADY?

143. YES, YOU GET A NUDE LADY

144. MOTOR INSURANCE.

145. IF YOU JUST WANT THIRD PARTY,

146. AND IF IT'S JUST THEFT...

147. NO, NO, I DON'T REALLY WANT THAT, MISTER... MISTER...

148. DEVIOUS.

149. MR. DEVIOUS, I JUST WANT TO KNOW

150. ON A 1970 ASTON MARTIN.

151. ASTON MARTIN?

152. YEAH.

153. 500 QUID.

154. 500 QUID?

155. 40 QUID.

156. 40 QUID?

157. 40 QUID AND A NUDE LADY.

158. NO, NO, I'M NOT INTERESTED IN A NUDE LADY.

159. DIRTY BOOKS?

160. NO, NO, NO, LOOK, I'M NOT INTERESTED IN ANY OF THAT.

161. ON A 1970 ASTON MARTIN.

162. YOUR PRICE?

163. KNOCK, KNOCK.

164. WHO'S THERE?

165. THE REVEREND.

166. THE REVEREND WHO?

167. THE REVEREND MORRISON.

168. OH, COME IN.

169. NOW, THEN, VIC, WHAT'S THE TROUBLE?

170. WELL, IT'S ABOUT THIS LETTER YOU SENT ME.

171. EXCUSE ME.

172. ANY MORE LINES?

173. I DON'T KNOW, MUSH.

174. I'LL HAVE A LOOK IN THE SCRIPT.

175. WHERE ARE WE?

176. SHOW EIGHT.

177. ARE YOU "MAN"?

178. YEAH... MAN.

179. NO... NO, YOU'VE FINISHED.

180. WELL, I'LL BE OFF, THEN.

181. RIGHT.

182. "THE VICAR SITS."

183. IT'S ABOUT THIS LETTER

184. MY INSURANCE CLAIM.

185. OH, YEAH.

186. YEAH, WELL, YOU SEE

187. IT'S JUST THAT WE'RE NOT AS YET

188. THE GROUNDS OF YOUR CLAIM.

189. FILLING MY MOUTH IN WITH CEMENT.

190. OH, WELL, THAT'S JUST INSURANCE JARGON, YOU KNOW.

191. MY CAR WAS HIT

192. TO PAY MY CLAIM.

193. OH, WELL,

194. IN YOUR POLICY...

195. IN YOUR POLICY...

196. HERE WE ARE.

197. WILL BE PAID.

198. OH, DEAR.

199. YOU SEE...

200. FOR OUR "NEVERPAY" POLICY

201. WHICH, YOU KNOW, IF YOU NEVER CLAIM, IS VERY WORTHWHILE

202. BUT YOU HAD TO CLAIM, AND, WELL, THERE IT IS.

203. OH, DEAR, OH, DEAR.

204. STILL, NEVER MIND, COULD BE WORSE.

205. HOW'S THE NUDE LADY?

206. OH, SHE'S FINE.

207. LOOK, REV, I HATE TO SEE A MAN CRY

208. SO SHOVE OFF, OUT THE OFFICE, THAT'S A GOOD CHAP.

209. OKAY, DEVIOUS! DON'T MOVE.

210. THE BISHOP!

211. I TAKE AS MY TEXT FOR TODAY...

212. THE TEXT, VIC!

213. DON'T SAY THE TEXT!

214. LEVITICUS 3-14.

215. WE WAS TOO LATE.

216. THE CEILING.

217. HELLO?

218. WHAT?

219. WE'LL BE RIGHT OVER.

220. UPON YOU, THE GODPARENTS...

221. IN THE CHRISTIAN FAITH.

222. THEREFORE, I NAME THIS CHILD...

223. DON'T SAY THE KID'S NAME, VIC!

224. FRANCESCO LUIGI...

225. WE WAS TOO LATE.

226. THE REVEREND NEUK SAW THE LIGHT.

227. THE RING, VIC... DON'T TOUCH THE RING!

228. HEY, VIC...

229. DEARLY DEPARTED, DUST TO DUST, ASHES TO ASHES.

230. HELP, HELP!

231. HELP, HELP!

232. HELP, HELP!

233. HELP, HELP!

234. COME ON.

235. OKAY, DEVIOUS, DON'T MOVE!

236. THE BISHOP!

237. WE CAME IN.

238. YEAH.

239. OH, IT'S NICE TO BE HOME.

240. BUILDERS HAVEN'T BEEN, THEN.

241. NO.

242. FACING BRITAIN'S AGED.

243. HERE! DON'T

244. ON US, YOUNG MAN.

245. OH, PLEASE.

246. NO, LEAVE US ALONE.

247. OH, JUST A LITTLE ONE

248. YOU LIVE?

249. NO, GET OUT OF OUR HOUSE!

250. GO ON.

251. COME ON, GEORGE, PICK IT UP.

252. WHY DON'T YOU DO A DOCUMENTARY

253. 'BOUT THE DRUG PROBLEM ROUND IN WALTON STREET?

254. OH, I'LL GO AND HAVE A BATH.

255. OLD IN STORY...

256. HERE! THERE'S

257. IN THE BATHROOM!

258. WELL, AT LEAST THE POET'S BEEN INSTALLED, THEN.

259. YES, A POET IS ESSENTIAL

260. RELIABILITY AT LOW COST.

261. BY THE END OF NEXT YEAR.

262. I WANDERED LONELY AS A CLOUD...

263. THAT FLOATS ON HIGH OR VALE...

264. GOOD MORNING, MADAM.

265. I'VE COME TO READ YOUR POET.

266. OH, YES, IT'S

267. UNDER THE STAIRS.

268. WHAT IS IT... A SWINBURNE? SHELLEY?

269. NO, IT'S A WORDSWORTH.

270. OH, BLOODY DAFFODILS.

271. ON THE MILKY WAY...

272. RIGHT, THANK YOU, MADAM.

273. OH, NOT AT ALL. THANK YOU.

274. IT'S A NICE DAY, ISN'T IT?

275. YES, YES, THE

276. FAVORABLE.

277. THERE'S A RIDGE

278. WEST COUNTRY, WALES

279. OF THE PENNINES.

280. ON TOMORROW'S CHART...

281. THE SITUATION'S MUCH THE SAME.

282. BRINGING DRIER, WARMER WEATHER

283. FOR THE TIME OF YEAR.

284. THAT'S THREE DEGREES CENTIGRADE, 44 DEGREES FAHRENHEIT

285. SO DON'T FORGET TO WRAP UP WELL.

286. THAT'S ALL FROM ME. GOOD NIGHT.

287. NOW ON BBC TELEVISION, A CHOICE OF VIEWING.

288. ON BBC 2, A DISCUSSION

289. BETWEEN DEREK HART, THE BISHOP OF WOOLWICH AND A NUDE MAN.

290. AND ON BBC 1, ME TELLING YOU THIS.

291. AND NOW...

292. WE DON'T WANT THAT, DO WE?

293. THAT CHERRY IN YOUR TEA?

294. DOING THIS JOB?

295. WELL, IT'S A LIVING, ISN'T IT?

296. I MEAN, DON'T

297. READING PEOPLE'S POETS ALL DAY?

298. WELL... YOU KNOW... SOMETIMES, YEAH.

299. ANYWAY, I THINK I'LL BETTER BE GOING.

300. YOU'VE GOT A NICE TORCH, HAVEN'T YOU?

301. UH, YEAH, YEAH.

302. IT'S A... IT GOES, UH, ON AND OFF.

303. VOLTS IS IT?

304. OH, UH... WELL, I'LL HAVE A LOOK

305. AT THE BATTERIES.

306. OH, YES, YES.

307. IT'S, UH... 4½ VOLTS.

308. MMM, THAT'S WONDERFUL.

309. LOOK AT THE POET?

310. NO, NO, I MUST BE OFF, REALLY.

311. I'VE GOT THOMAS HARDY IN THE BEDROOM.

312. I'D LIKE YOU TO LOOK AT HIM.

313. OH, WELL, I CAN'T TOUCH HIM;

314. HE'S A NOVELIST.

315. OH, HE KEEPS MUMBLING ALL NIGHT.

316. AH, WELL, NOVELISTS DO, YOU SEE.

317. OH, FORGET HIM!

318. WHAT'S YOUR NAME, DEARY?

319. HARNESS.

320. NO, NO... YOUR FIRST NAME, SILLY.

321. WOMBAT.

322. OH, WOMBAT! WOMBAT HARNESS!

323. ENCLOSES US ROUND.

324. OH, HARNESS...

325. ALL RIGHT, I'LL HAVE A QUICK LOOK AT YOUR THOMAS HARDY.

326. NUDE MAN, WHAT DID YOU MAKE OF THAT?

327. WELL, DON'T YOU SEE

328. I'M OBJECTING TO.

329. AT CHEAP SENSATIONALISM.

330. I DON'T CARE WHAT THE SO-CALLED AVANT-GARDE, LEFT-WING

331. INTELLECTUAL NAMBY-PAMBIES SAY.

332. IT IS FILTH!

333. BISHOP.

334. OKAY, DON'T ANYBODY MOVE!

335. REPETITION IN THIS SHOW.

336. REPETITION IN THIS SHOW.

337. WHEE, WHOOPS!

338. OH, WHOOPS-A-DAISY!

339. SHUT UP, ALL OF YOU UP THERE.

340. WHAT? CAN'T A GUY GET SOME SLEEP AROUND HERE?

341. AND QUIET'S ALL I WANT.

342. OR I'M COMING UP.

343. I...

344. HOPE...

345. YOU'RE...

346. EN...

347. JOY...

348. ING...

349. THIS!

350. ATTENTION.

351. THERE'S BEEN A NASTY FIVE-FROG CURSE NEAR THE M4.

352. PROCEED IMMEDIATELY TO THE AREA.

353. OH, DEAR.

354. LOOKS BAD.

355. MMM, VERY BAD.

356. QUITE AGREED.

357. CURSE LIKE THIS.

358. RIGHTO, GET THE MAGIC WAND.

359. CLEAR THE AREA.

360. FIRE!

361. THANK YOU!

362. CALLED "THE CHEMIST SKETCH"!

363. RIGHT, I'VE GOT SOME OF YOUR PRESCRIPTIONS HERE.

364. UH, WHO'S GOT THE POX?

365. COME ON, WHO'S GOT THE POX?

366. COME ON! COME...

367. CATCH.

368. WHO'S GOT A BOIL ON THE BUM?

369. BOIL ON THE BOTTY.

370. WHO'S GOT THE CHEST RASH?

371. HAVE TO GET A BIGGER BOTTLE.

372. WHO'S GOT... WHO'S GOT WIND?

373. CATCH.

374. OF THE WRITING IN THAT SKETCH.

375. WITH WORDS LIKE "BUM," "KNICKERS,"BOTTY"

376. OR "WEE-WEES"... SHH!

377. AGAIN ON THIS PROGRAM.

378. SEMPRINI!

379. OUT!

380. RIGHT, WHO'S GOT A BOIL ON HIS SEMPRINI, THEN?

381. GOOD MORNING.

382. GOOD MORNING, SIR.

383. GOOD MORNING, I'D LIKE SOME AFTERSHAVE, PLEASE.

384. CERTAINLY, SIR, WALK THIS WAY, PLEASE.

385. I WOULDN'T NEED AFTERSHAVE.

386. GOOD MORNING.

387. GOOD MORNING, SIR.

388. CAN I HELP YOU?

389. YES, I'D LIKE SOME AFTERSHAVE.

390. AH, A TOILET REQUISIT-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T.

391. TO TRY THIS, SIR?

392. IT'S OUR VERY LATEST.

393. IT'S CALLED "SEA MIST."

394. MMM, I QUITE LIKE IT.

395. A LITTLE MORE MUSKY?

396. THIS ONE'S CALLED "MIMMO."

397. MMM, NOT REALLY, NO.

398. A LITTLE FISHIER?

399. FISHIER?

400. FISHIER.

401. FISH, FISH, FISH.

402. A FISHY REQUISIT-T-T-T-T-T-T-T.

403. LIKE HALIBUT OR SEA BASS.

404. OR BREAM?

405. YES.

406. NO, WE HAVEN'T GOT ANY OF THAT.

407. UH, I'VE GOT MACKEREL OR COD OR HAKE.

408. YOU HAVEN'T

409. HALIBUTISH?

410. UH... PARROT?

411. WHAT'S THAT DOING THERE?

412. A HINT OF PRAWN.

413. OR CRAB, TIGER AND ALMONDS... VERY UNUSUAL.

414. SET ON HALIBUT.

415. WELL, SIR, WE HAD A FISHY

416. REQUISIT-T-T-T-T-T-T-T.

417. SO IT WAS HALIBUT OR?

418. SEA BASS.

419. SEA BASS! WON'T BE A MOMENT-T-T-T-T-T.

420. SORRY ABOUT THIS.

421. LITTLE PAUSES... "LONGEURS"...

422. ONLY DRAMATICALLY HE'S GONE DOWN TO THE BASEMENT, YOU SEE.

423. COURSE, THERE ISN'T REALLY A BASEMENT.

424. AND WE PRETEND.

425. SO IT LOOKS AS THOUGH HE'S GONE DOWN TO THE BASEMENT.

426. ACTUALLY I THINK HE'S RATHER OVERDOING IT.

427. AH!

428. AH, SORRY, SIR.

429. A LOT OF STEPS.

430. WELL, I'M AFRAID IT DIDN'T COME IN THIS MORNING, SIR

431. AT OUR KENSINGTON BRANCH.

432. I'LL JUST NIP DOWN THERE AND GET IT FOR YOU.

433. HOW LONG WILL THAT BE?

434. TWENTY MINUTES.

435. TWENTY MINUTES!

436. PSST!

437. OH, I WONDER WHAT OTHER PEOPLE USE FOR AFTERSHAVE LOTION.

438. RUB CALLED "HALITOSIS"!

439. IT MAKES MY BREATH SEEM SWEET!

440. CALLED "SEMPRINI"!

441. UH, SORRY, SORRY, CAN'T STOP NOW.

442. I'VE GOT TO GET TO KENSINGTON.

443. FRANKINCENSE, MYRRH...

444. FRANKINCENSE, MYRRH, SAN...

445. FRANKINCENSE...

446. AND THEN I GO MAD ONE, MAD TWO, MAD THREE, MAD FOUR...

447. I USE RANCID POLECAT NUMBER TWO.

448. IT KEEPS MY SKIN NICE AND SCALY.

449. UH, SORRY AGAIN. CAN'T STOP.

450. GOT TO GET BACK.

451. WHOO!

452. WELL, I'M AFRAID THEY DON'T HAVE ANY

453. DOWN IN THE DEPOT.

454. WHERE'S THAT?

455. ABERDEEN.

456. ABERDEEN!

457. IT'S ALL RIGHT; YOU WAIT HERE.

458. I'VE GOT A CAR.

459. NO, NO, NO, I'LL TAKE THE OTHER...

460. THE CRAB, TIGER AND...

461. ALMOND REQUISIT-T-T-T-T-T?

462. I'LL TAKE IT.

463. RIGHT! RIGHT! RIGHT!

464. NOW, THEN, NOW, THEN!

465. YOUR TURN.

466. AREN'T YOU

467. "WHAT'S ALL THIS, THEN?"

468. OH, RIGHT... WHAT'S ALL THIS, THEN?

469. SHOPLIFTING, OFFICER.

470. OH, YES?

471. YES.

472. TO TELL ME MY JOB?

473. UH, NO, BUT HE'S BEEN SHOPLIFTING.

474. LOOK, I MUST WARN YOU

475. SAY WILL BE IGNORED.

476. AND FURTHERMORE,

477. I'LL PUT MY FIST THROUGH YOUR TEETH... FTANG! FTANG!

478. BUT OFFICER, THIS MAN HERE...

479. LOOK, I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF YOU.

480. YOU'RE UNDER ARREST.

481. OFFICER, IT WASN'T HIM; HE'S THE SHOPLIFTER.

482. NO, I'M NOT.

483. HE'S NOT; I'M A WITNESS.

484. LOOK, ONE MORE PEEP OUT OF YOU

485. AND I'LL DO YOU FOR HERESY.

486. HERESY!

487. BLIMEY, I DIDN'T EXPECT THE SPANISH INQUISITION.

488. SHUT UP! FTANG, FTANG!

489. OOH, THAT'S NICE. RIGHT!

490. I'M TAKING YOU ALONG TO THE STATION.

491. WHAT FOR?

492. I'M CHARGING YOU

493. HAVE DOWN THERE... RIGHT!

494. CALLING BUZZ ALDRIN.

495. COME IN.

496. OF POLICE CONSTABLE PAN AM.

497. THE A VERAGE POLICE OFFICER.

498. SIMILARLY, THE REFERENCE TO BUZZ ALDRIN, THE ASTRONAUT

499. HAVING ANY OTHER SIGNIFICANCE.

500. AND NOW FOR SOMETHING COMPLETELY DIFFERENT!

501. OH! THAT WAS FUN!

502. AND NOW...

503. THE END! THE END!