1. And now for something completely different.Copy !req
2. It's...Copy !req
3. Hello, and welcome to the show.Copy !req
4. Without more ado, the first itemCopy !req
5. is a sketch about architects,Copy !req
6. called The Architects Sketch...Copy !req
7. The Architects Sketch...Copy !req
8. The Architects Sketch...Copy !req
9. The Architects Sketch...Copy !req
10. Up there!... Up there!...Copy !req
11. Up there!...Copy !req
12. Gentlemen, we have two basic suggestions
for the design of this...Copy !req
13. Gentlemen, we have two basic suggestions
for the design of this...Copy !req
14. Shut up!Copy !req
15. Gentlemen, we have two basic suggestions...Copy !req
16. Gentlemen, we have two basic suggestionsCopy !req
17. for the design of this residential block,Copy !req
18. and I thought it bestCopy !req
19. that the architects themselves came in
to explain the advantages of both designs.Copy !req
20. That must be the first architect now.Copy !req
21. Ah yes, it's Mr Wiggin of Ironside and Malone.Copy !req
22. Good morning, gentlemen.Copy !req
23. This is a twelwe-storey block combining
classical neo-Georgian featuresCopy !req
24. with the advantages of modern design.Copy !req
25. The tenants arrive in the entrance hall here,Copy !req
26. and are carried along the corridor on a
conveyor belt in extreme comfortCopy !req
27. and past murals depicting Mediterranean
scenes, towards the rotating knives.Copy !req
28. The last twenty feet of the corridor
are heavily soundproofed.Copy !req
29. The blood pours down these chutes
and the mangled flesh slurps into these...Copy !req
30. Excuse me...Copy !req
31. Did you say knives?Copy !req
32. Rotating knives, yes.Copy !req
33. Are you proposing to slaughter our tenants?Copy !req
34. - Does that not fit in with your plans?
- No, it does not.
We asked for a simple block of flats.Copy !req
35. Oh, I see. I hadn't correctly divined
your attitude towards your tenants.Copy !req
36. You see I mainly design slaughter houses.Copy !req
37. Yes, pity. Mind you, this is a real beauty.Copy !req
38. I mean, none of your blood caked on the walls
and flesh flying out of the windows,
inconveniencing the passers-by with this one.Copy !req
39. I mean, my life has been building up to this.Copy !req
40. Yes, and well done,
but we did want a block of flats.Copy !req
41. May I ask you to reconsider.
I mean, you wouldn't regret it.
Think of the tourist trade.Copy !req
42. No, no, it's just that we wanted
a block of flats, not an abattoir.Copy !req
43. Yes, well, of course, this is just the sort
of blinkered philistine pig ignoranceCopy !req
44. I've come to expect
from you non-creative garbage.Copy !req
45. You sit there on your loathsome,
spotty behinds squeezing blackheads,Copy !req
46. not caring a tinker's cuss
about the struggling artist.Copy !req
47. You excrement!Copy !req
48. You lousy hypocritical whining toadiesCopy !req
49. with your lousy colour TV sets
and your Tony Jacklin golf clubsCopy !req
50. and your bleeding masonic handshakes!Copy !req
51. You wouldn't let me join, would you,
you blackballing bastards.Copy !req
52. Well I wouldn't become a freemason nowCopy !req
53. if you went down on your lousy, stinking,
purulent knees and begged me.Copy !req
54. Well, we're sorry you feel like that
but we, er, did want a block of flats.Copy !req
55. Nice though the abattoir is.Copy !req
56. Oh the abattoir, that's not important.Copy !req
57. But if any of you could put in a word
for me I'd love to be a freemason.Copy !req
58. Freemasonry opens doors. I mean...Copy !req
59. I was...I was a bit on edge just now,Copy !req
60. but if I were a mason I'd sit at the back
and not get in anyone's way.Copy !req
61. Thank you.Copy !req
62. - I've got a second-hand apron.
- Thank you.Copy !req
63. - I nearly got in at Hendon.
- Thank you.Copy !req
64. I'm sorry about that, gentlemen.
The second architect is Mr Leavey
of Wymis and Dibble.Copy !req
65. Good morning gentlemen.
This is a scale model of the block.Copy !req
66. There are 28 storeys, with
280 modern apartments.Copy !req
67. There are 3 main lifts
and 2 service lifts.Copy !req
68. Access would be from Dibbingley Road.Copy !req
69. The structure is built
on a central pillar systemCopy !req
70. with cantilevered floors in
pre-stressed steel and concrete.Copy !req
71. The dividing walls on each floor sectionCopy !req
72. are fixed by recessed
magnalium flanged grooves.Copy !req
73. By avoiding wood and timber derivativesCopy !req
74. and all other flammables, we have
almost totally removed the risk of...Copy !req
75. Quite frankly, I think the central pillar
system may need strengthening a bit.Copy !req
76. - Isn't that going to put the cost up?
- It might.Copy !req
77. Well, I don't know whether I'd worry about
strengthening that much. After all,
they're not meant to be luxury flats.Copy !req
78. I quite agree. I mean, providing the tenants
are of light build and relatively sedentary and,Copy !req
79. given a spot of good weather,
I think we're on to a winner here.Copy !req
80. Thank you.Copy !req
81. Quite agree. Quite agree.Copy !req
82. Thank you very much. Thank you.Copy !req
83. It opens doors, I'm telling you.Copy !req
84. Let's have a look at that handshake again
in slow motion.Copy !req
85. What other ways are there
of recognizing a mason?Copy !req
86. Having once identified a mason
immediate steps must be taken
to isolate him from the general public.Copy !req
87. Having accomplished that, it is now
possible to cure him of these
unfortunate masonic tendenciesCopy !req
88. through the use of behavioural psychotherapy.Copy !req
89. In this treatment, the patient is rewarded
for the correct responseCopy !req
90. and punished for the wrong one.
Let us begin.Copy !req
91. Would you like to give up being a mason?Copy !req
92. Think carefully.Copy !req
93. Think.Copy !req
94. Think.Copy !req
95. - No.
- No? That's wrong!Copy !req
96. Wrong! Wrong! Wrong!Copy !req
97. No! No! Bad! Bad!Copy !req
98. The BBC would like to apologize
for the following announcement.Copy !req
99. Oh! And the next item
is a sketch about insuranceCopy !req
100. called 'Insurance Sketch'.Copy !req
101. 'Insurance Sketch'...Copy !req
102. 'Insurance Sketch'...Copy !req
103. What do you want?Copy !req
104. Well I've come about your special fully
comprehensive motor insurance policy offer...Copy !req
105. What was that?Copy !req
106. Fully comprehensive motor insurance for
one-and-eightpence.Copy !req
107. Oh, oh, yes...Copy !req
108. yeah well, unfortunately, guv,
that offer's no longer valid.Copy !req
109. You see, it turned out not to be
economically viable,Copy !req
110. so we now have a totally new offer...Copy !req
111. - What's that?
- A nude lady.Copy !req
112. - A nude lady?
- Yes.Copy !req
113. You get a nude lady with a fully
comprehensive motor insurance.Copy !req
114. If you just want third party she has
to keep her bra on, and if it's just theft...Copy !req
115. No, no, I don't really want that, Mr...Copy !req
116. - Devious.
- Mr Devious.Copy !req
117. I just want to know what it would cost me
to have a fully comprehensive inurance
on a 1970 Aston Martin.Copy !req
118. - Aston Martin?
- Yes.Copy !req
119. - 500 quid.
- 500 quid?Copy !req
120. - 40 quid.
- 40 quid?Copy !req
121. - Forty quid and a nude lady.
- No, no, I'm not interested in a nude lady.Copy !req
122. - Dirty books?
- No, look, I'm not interested in any af that.Copy !req
123. I just want to know what it would cost me
to have a fully comprehensive insurance
on a 1970 Aston Martin.Copy !req
124. Can you please quote me your price?Copy !req
125. Knock knock.Copy !req
126. - Who's there?
- The Reverend...Copy !req
127. - The Reverend who?
- The Reverend Morrison.Copy !req
128. Oh, come in.Copy !req
129. Now then, vic. What's the trouble?Copy !req
130. - Well, it's about this letter you sent me.
- Excuse me, do I have any more lines?Copy !req
131. I don't know, mush,
I'll have to look in the script...Copy !req
132. Where are we? Show 8.Copy !req
133. - Are you 'man'?
- Yeah.Copy !req
134. No...no, you're finished.Copy !req
135. Well, I'll be off then.Copy !req
136. 'The vicar sits'.Copy !req
137. It's about this letter you sent me
regarding my insurance claim.Copy !req
138. Oh, yeah, yeah - well, you see,Copy !req
139. it's just that we're not as yet... totally
satisfied with the grounds of your claim.Copy !req
140. But it says something about filling
my mouth in with cement.Copy !req
141. Oh well, that's just insurance jargon,
you know.Copy !req
142. But my car was hit by a lorry while standing
in the garage and you refuse to pay my claim.Copy !req
143. Oh well, reverend Morrison, in your policy...Copy !req
144. in your policy...Copy !req
145. Here we are.Copy !req
146. It states quite clearly that
no claim you make will be paid.Copy !req
147. You see, you unfortunately plumped
for our 'Neverpay' policy,Copy !req
148. which, you know, if you never claim
is very worthwhile...Copy !req
149. but you had to claim, and, well, there it is.Copy !req
150. Oh dear, oh dear.Copy !req
151. Still, never mind - could be worse.
How's the nude lady?Copy !req
152. Oh, she's fine.Copy !req
153. Look, Rev... I hate to see a man cry,Copy !req
154. so shove off out the office,
there's a good chap.Copy !req
155. OK, Devious...Don't move!Copy !req
156. The bishop!Copy !req
157. I take as my text for today...Copy !req
158. The text, vic! Don't say the text!Copy !req
159. Leviticus 3-14...Copy !req
160. We was too late.
The Reverend Grundy bit the ceiling.Copy !req
161. Hello? ... What?...Copy !req
162. We'll be right over!Copy !req
163. And it is for this reason that
the Christian Church lays upon you,
the godparents,Copy !req
164. the obligation of seeing this childCopy !req
165. is brought up in the Christian faith.Copy !req
166. Therefore, I name this child...Copy !req
167. Don't say the kid's name, vic!Copy !req
168. Francesco Luigi...Copy !req
169. We was too late...
The Rev. Neuk saw the light.Copy !req
170. The ring, vic! Don't touch the ring!Copy !req
171. Hey vic!Copy !req
172. ...dust to dust, ashes to ashes.Copy !req
173. Help...Copy !req
174. Help...Copy !req
175. Help... Help...Copy !req
176. Help...Copy !req
177. Come on!Copy !req
178. OK, Devious... Don't move!Copy !req
179. The bishop!Copy !req
180. - This is where we came in.
- Yes.Copy !req
181. Oh, it's nice to be home.Copy !req
182. - Builders haven't been then.
- No.Copy !req
183. These two old people are typical
of the housing problemCopy !req
184. facing Britain's aged.Copy !req
185. Here! Don't you start doing
a documentary on us, young man.Copy !req
186. - Oh please ...
- No, you leave us alone!Copy !req
187. Oh, just a little one about the
appalling conditions under which you live.Copy !req
188. No! Get out of our house! Go on!Copy !req
189. Oh all right. Come on, George, pick it up.Copy !req
190. Why don't you do a documentary about
the drug problem round in Walton Street?Copy !req
191. Oh, I'll go and have a bath.Copy !req
192. The splendour fans on castle wallsCopy !req
193. And snowy summits old in story...Copy !req
194. 'Ere, there's Alfred Lord Tennyson
in the bathroom.Copy !req
195. Well, at least
the poet's been installed, then.Copy !req
196. Yes, a poet is essential for complete
home comfort, and all-year round reliability
at low cost.Copy !req
197. We in the East Midlands Poet BoardCopy !req
198. hope to have a poet in every home
by the end of next year.Copy !req
199. Poets are both clean and warm
And most are far above the normCopy !req
200. Whether here, or on the roam
Have a poet in every home.Copy !req
201. I wandered lonely as a cloud
That floats on high...Copy !req
202. Morning, madam, I've come
to read your poet.Copy !req
203. Oh yes, he's in the cupboard
under the stairs.Copy !req
204. What is it, a Swinburne? Shelley?Copy !req
205. - No, it's a Wordsworth.
- Oh, bloody daffodils.Copy !req
206. A host of golden daffodils
Beside the lake, beneath the trees
Fluttering and dancing in the breezeCopy !req
207. Continuous as the stars that shine
And twinkle on the Milky Way
They stretch in...Copy !req
208. - Right. Thank you, madam.
- Oh, not at all. Thank you...Copy !req
209. It's a nice day, isn't it?Copy !req
210. Yes, yes, the weather situation
is generally favourable.Copy !req
211. There's a ridge of high pressure
centered over IrelandCopy !req
212. which is moving steadily eastward bringing
cloudy weather to parts of the West Country,Copy !req
213. Wales and areas west of the Pennines.Copy !req
214. On tomorrow's chart...Copy !req
215. the picture is much the same.
With this occluded front bringing
drier, warmer weather.Copy !req
216. Temperatures about average
for the time of year.Copy !req
217. That's 3 degrees centigrade, 44 degrees
fahrenheit, so don't forget to wrap up well.Copy !req
218. That's all from me. Goodnight.Copy !req
219. Now on BBC television a choice of viewing.Copy !req
220. On BBC 2 - a discussion on censorship
between Derek Hart,Copy !req
221. The Bishop of Woolwich and a nude man.Copy !req
222. And on BBC 1 - me telling you this.Copy !req
223. And now...Copy !req
224. We don't want that, do we.
Do you really want that cherry in your tea?Copy !req
225. - Do you like doing this job?
- Well, it's a living, isn't it?Copy !req
226. I mean, don't you get bored
reading people's poets all day?Copy !req
227. Well, you know, sometimes ... yeah.Copy !req
228. Anyway, I think I'd better be going.Copy !req
229. You've got a nice torch, haven't you?Copy !req
230. Er, yeah, yeah, it er...Copy !req
231. It er... It goes on and off.Copy !req
232. How many volts is it?Copy !req
233. - Er ... um... well, I'll have a look
at the batteries. - Oh yes, yes.Copy !req
234. It's four and a half volts.Copy !req
235. Mmmm. That's wonderful.Copy !req
236. - Do you want another look at the poet?
- No, no, I must be off, really.Copy !req
237. I've got Thomas Hardy in the bedroom.
I'd like you to look at him.Copy !req
238. - Well, I can't touch him. He's a novelist.
- Oh, he keeps mumbling all night.Copy !req
239. - Oh well, novelists do, you see.
- Oh forget him! What's your name, deary?Copy !req
240. - Harness.
- No, no! Your first name, silly!Copy !req
241. - Wombat.
- Oh, Wombat. Wombat Harness!Copy !req
242. Take me to the place
where eternity knows no bounds,Copy !req
243. where the garden of love encloses us round.Copy !req
244. Oh Harness!Copy !req
245. All right, I'll have a quick look
at yer Thomas Hardy.Copy !req
246. Nude man, what did you make of that?Copy !req
247. Well, don't you see, that was exactly
the kind of explicit sexual reference
I'm objecting to.Copy !req
248. It's titillation for the sake of it.Copy !req
249. A deliberate attempt at cheap sensationalism.Copy !req
250. I don't care what the so-called avant-garde,
left-wing, intellectual namby-pambies say...Copy !req
251. It is filth!Copy !req
252. Bishop.Copy !req
253. Okay, don't anybody move!Copy !req
254. The BBC would like to apologize for
the constant repetition in this show.Copy !req
255. The BBC would like to apologize for
the constant repetition in this show.Copy !req
256. I...Copy !req
257. hope...Copy !req
258. you're...Copy !req
259. en...Copy !req
260. joy...Copy !req
261. ing...Copy !req
262. this!Copy !req
263. 'tention; there's been a nasty
5 frog curse near the M4.Copy !req
264. Proceed immediately to the area.Copy !req
265. - Oh dear...
- Looks bad!Copy !req
266. Very bad.Copy !req
267. Only one thing to do with
a multiple frog curse like this.Copy !req
268. Get the magic wound.Copy !req
269. Clear out the area.
Fire!Copy !req
270. Thank you.Copy !req
271. And now a sketch about a chemistCopy !req
272. called 'The Chemist Sketch'.Copy !req
273. Right. I've got some
of your prescriptions here.Copy !req
274. Er, who's got the pox?Copy !req
275. Come on, who's got the pox...Copy !req
276. Come on...Copy !req
277. There you go.Copy !req
278. Who's got a boil on the bum...Copy !req
279. Boil on the botty?Copy !req
280. Who's got the chest rash?Copy !req
281. Have to get a bigger bottle.Copy !req
282. Who's got wind?Copy !req
283. Catch.Copy !req
284. The BBC would like to apologize for the
poor quality of the writing in that sketch.Copy !req
285. It is not BBC policy to get easy laughs
with words like bum,Copy !req
286. knickers, botty or wee-wees.Copy !req
287. These are the words which are not
to be used again on this programme.Copy !req
288. - Semprini!?
- Out!Copy !req
289. Right, who's got a boil
on his Semprini, then?Copy !req
290. - Good morning.
- I'd like some aftershave, please.Copy !req
291. Ah, certainly. Walk this way, please.Copy !req
292. If I could walk that way
I wouldn't need aftershave.Copy !req
293. Good morning, sir. Can I help you?Copy !req
294. - Yes. I'd like some aftershave.
- Ah. A toilet requisite-t-t-t-t-t...Copy !req
295. Would you like to try this, sir?Copy !req
296. It's our very very latest,
it's called Sea Mist.Copy !req
297. - I quite like it.
- How about something a little more musky?
This one's called Mimmo.Copy !req
298. - Not really, no. Have you anything
a little fishier? - Fishier?Copy !req
299. Fishier. Fish, fish, fish.Copy !req
300. A fishy requisite-t-t-t-t-t...Copy !req
301. Like halibut or sea bass.Copy !req
302. - Or bream?
- Yes.Copy !req
303. No, we haven't got any of that...Copy !req
304. Ah, I've got mackerel, or cod, or hake...Copy !req
305. You haven't got anything
a little more halibutish?Copy !req
306. Er... parrot?Copy !req
307. What's that doing there?
Or skate with just a hint of prawn?Copy !req
308. - Or crab, tiger and almonds, very unusual.
- I really had my heart set on halibut.Copy !req
309. Well, sir, we had a fishy consignment in
this morning, so I could nip down toCopy !req
310. the basement and see if I can come up trumps
with this particular requisite-t-t-t-t-t.Copy !req
311. So it was halibut... or... ?Copy !req
312. - Sea bass.
- Sea bass. Won't be a moment.Copy !req
313. Sorry about this...Copy !req
314. Normally we try to avoid these little...
pauses... longueurs...Copy !req
315. only dramatically he's gone down
to the basement, you see.Copy !req
316. 'Course, there isn't really a basement
but he just goes off and we pretend...Copy !req
317. Actually what happens is he goes off there,
off camera, and just waits thereCopy !req
318. so it looks as though he's gone down...
to the basement.Copy !req
319. Actually I think he's rather overdoing it.
Ah!Copy !req
320. Well, sorry, sir. Lot of steps.Copy !req
321. Well, I'm afraid it didn't come in
this morning, sir. But we have got some
down at our Kensington branch.Copy !req
322. I'll just nip down there and get it for you.Copy !req
323. - How long will that be?
- 20 minutes.Copy !req
324. 20 minutes?Copy !req
325. Oh... I wonder what other people use
for aftershave lotion?Copy !req
326. I use a body rub called HalitosisCopy !req
327. to make my breath seem sweet.Copy !req
328. I use an aftershave called Semprini.Copy !req
329. I'm sorry, sorry - can't stop now,
I've got to get to Kensington.Copy !req
330. I use two kinds of aftershave lotions:
Frankincense, Myrrh...Copy !req
331. three kinds of aftershave lotions:
Frankincense, Myrrh, Sandalwood...Copy !req
332. four kinds of aftershave lotion:
Frankincense, ...Copy !req
333. I have a cold shower every morning
just before I go mad, and then I goCopy !req
334. Mad, 1. Mad, 2. Mad, 3. Mad, 4...Copy !req
335. I use Rancid Polecat number two.Copy !req
336. It keeps my skin nice and scaly.Copy !req
337. Sorry again. Can't stop, got to get back.Copy !req
338. Well I'm afraid they don't have any
at our Kensington branch.
But we have some down at the depot.Copy !req
339. - Where's that?
- Aberdeen.Copy !req
340. - Aberdeen?
- It's all right. Wait here, I got a car.Copy !req
341. - No, no, no. I'll take the other,
the crab, tiger and...
- Almond requisite... t... t... ?Copy !req
342. I'll take it.Copy !req
343. Right. Right! RIGHT!Copy !req
344. Now then! Now then!Copy !req
345. - Your turn.
- Aren't you going to say
'What's all this then?'?Copy !req
346. Oh! Right, what's all this, then?Copy !req
347. - This man has been shoplifting, officer.
- Oh, he has? Yes?Copy !req
348. - Are you trying to tell me my job?
- No, but he's been shoplifting.Copy !req
349. Look! I must warn you that
anything you may say will be ignoredCopy !req
350. and furthermore, given half a chance
I'll put my fist through your teeth.
F'tang. F'tang.Copy !req
351. - But officer, this man here...
- I've had enough of you. You're under arrest.Copy !req
352. Officer, it wasn't him.
He's the shoplifter.Copy !req
353. - No I'm not.
- He's not ... I'm a witness.Copy !req
354. One more peep out of you
and I'll do you for heresy.Copy !req
355. Heresy. Blimey.
I didn't expect the Spanish Inquisition.Copy !req
356. Shut up! F'tang. F'tang.Copy !req
357. Oh, that's nice.Copy !req
358. - Right. I'm taking you along to the station.
- What for?Copy !req
359. I'm charging you with illegal possession
of whatever we happen to have down there.Copy !req
360. Right. Lunar module calling Buzz Aldrin.
Come in.Copy !req
361. Raindrops keep falling on my head...
but that doesn't mean that my...Copy !req
362. The BBC would like to apologize
to the police about the character
of Police Constable Pan Am.Copy !req
363. He was not meant to represent
the average police officer.Copy !req
364. Similarly, the reference to Buzz Aldrin,
the astronaut,Copy !req
365. was the product of a disordered mind
and should not be construed
as having any other significance.Copy !req
366. And now for something completely different.Copy !req
367. Oh that was fun.Copy !req
368. And now...Copy !req