Monty Python's Flying Circus 2x2

Directed by Ian MacNaughton

Featuring the Spanish Inquisition, courtroom charades and a semaphore interpretation of Wuthering Heights.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. COMPLETELY DIFFERENT.

2. IT'S...

3. MONTY PYTHON'S FLYING CIRCUS.

4. [Captioning sponsored by THE U.S. DEPARTMENT OF EDUCATION

5. and A&E TELEVISION NETWORKS]

6. COME IN.

7. TROUBLE AT MILL.

8. OH, NO... WHAT SORT OF TROUBLE?

9. ONE ON'T CROSSBEAMS GONE OWT ASKEW ON TREDDLE.

10. PARDON?

11. ONE ON'T CROSSBEAMS GONE OWT ASKEW ON TREDDLE.

12. I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHAT YOU'RE SAYING.

13. OUT OF SKEW ON THE TREDDLE.

14. DOES THAT MEAN?

15. I DON'T KNOW.

16. MR. WENTWORTH

17. AND SAY

18. AT THE MILL, THAT'S ALL.

19. I DIDN'T EXPECT A KIND OF SPANISH INQUISITION.

20. THE SPANISH INQUISITION.

21. IS SURPRISE.

22. SURPRISE AND FEAR, FEAR AND SURPRISE.

23. AND RUTHLESS EFFICIENCY.

24. DEVOTION TO THE POPE.

25. OUR FOUR... NO...

26. AMONGST OUR WEAPONS...

27. SUCH ELEMENTS AS FEAR...

28. I'LL COME IN AGAIN.

29. I DIDN'T EXPECT A KIND OF SPANISH INQUISITION.

30. THE SPANISH INQUISITION!

31. SURPRISE, RUTHLESS EFFICIENCY

32. AND NICE RED UNIFORM... OH, DAMN!

33. I... I CAN'T SAY IT.

34. YOU'LL HAVE TO SAY IT.

35. WHAT?

36. YOU'LL HAVE TO SAY THE BIT

37. ABOUT "OUR CHIEF WEAPONS ARE..."

38. I COULDN'T DO THAT.

39. I DIDN'T EXPECT A KIND OF SPANISH INQUISITION.

40. UH... UH... NOBODY... UM...

41. EXPECTS.

42. EXPECTS.

43. THE, UM... SPANISH...

44. INQUISITION.

45. I KNOW, I KNOW.

46. THE SPANISH INQUISITION.

47. IN FACT, THOSE WHO DO EXPECT...

48. OUR CHIEF WEAPONS ARE...

49. ARE... UM...

50. SURPRISE.

51. SURPRISE.

52. GOOD, STOP, STOP...

53. STOP THERE.

54. WHEW!

55. IS SURPRISE.

56. BLAH, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH.

57. CARDINAL, READ THE CHARGES.

58. YOU ARE

59. THE HOLY CHURCH.

60. MY OLD MAN SAID...

61. THAT'S ENOUGH.

62. NOW... HOW DO YOU PLEAD?

63. WE'RE INNOCENT.

64. HA!

65. WE'LL SOON CHANGE YOUR MIND ABOUT THAT!

66. FEAR, SURPRISE AND A MOST RUTHLESS...

67. OOH!

68. NOW... CARDINAL...

69. THE RACK!

70. YOU...

71. RIGHT.

72. TIE HER DOWN.

73. RIGHT.

74. HOW DO YOU PLEAD?

75. INNOCENT.

76. HA!

77. RIGHT!

78. CARDINAL...

79. GIVE THE RACK...

80. OH, DEAR.

81. GIVE THE RACK... A TURN.

82. I...

83. I KNOW... I KNOW YOU CAN'T.

84. I DIDN'T WANT TO SAY ANYTHING.

85. MISTAKE.

86. SEEM SO STUPID.

87. SHALL I...

88. OH, GOD, JUST PRETEND, FOR GOD'S SAKE!

89. AH, HELLO, YOU DON'T KNOW ME

90. BUT I'M FROM THE B.B.C.

91. IF YOU'D COME

92. OF DIRECTION.

93. YOU WOULDN'T HAVE TO DO ANYTHING...

94. AND THAT'S IT.

95. OH, WELL, ALL RIGHT, YES.

96. JOLLY GOOD, COME THIS WAY.

97. FINE.

98. YES, WE'RE ON FILM

99. AT THE MOMENT, YOU SEE?

100. IT'S A LINK, IS IT?

101. YES, THAT'S RIGHT, THAT SORT OF THING.

102. YES, A LINK.

103. IT'S ALL A BIT ZANY, YOU KNOW

104. A BIT MADCAP FUNSTER.

105. FRANKLY, I DON'T FULLY UNDERSTAND IT MYSELF.

106. THE KIDS SEEM TO LIKE IT.

107. DES O'CONNOR, OF COURSE

108. ROLF HARRIS, TOM JONES, YOU KNOW.

109. SORT OF THING, DO YOU?

110. QUITE A LOT, YES, QUITE A LOT.

111. I'M MAINLY IN COMEDY.

112. I'D LIKE TO BE IN PROGRAM PLANNING, ACTUALLY, BUT...

113. UNFORTUNATELY, I'VE GOT A DEGREE.

114. JOKE, SIR?

115. GUARANTEED AMUSING.

116. HEADS OF EUROPE.

117. TO THE EYES OF ROYALTY.

118. "DENMARK HAS NEVER LAUGHED SO MUCH"

119. "THE STAGE."

120. NICE LITTLE NOVELTY NUMBER, A "NAUGHTY HUMPHREY."

121. BREAKS THE ICE AT PARTIES.

122. PUT IT ON THE TABLE, PRESS THE BUTTON... IT VOMITS.

123. ABSOLUTELY GUARANTEED, WITH REFILLS.

124. "BLACK SOAP."

125. THEY WASH THEIR HANDS, REAL FUNGUS GROWS ON THE FINGERS.

126. CAN'T GET IT OFF FOR HOURS.

127. THE ICE AT PARTIES.

128. FRIGHTEN THE ELDERLY... REAL SNAKES.

129. COMEDY HERNIA KIT.

130. PLASTIC FLESH WOUNDS.

131. IN STITCHES.

132. THE ICE AT PARTIES.

133. "HONEYMOON DELIGHT."

134. REAL SKUNK JUICE.

135. THEY WON'T FORGET THEIR WEDDING NIGHT.

136. STICKS TO THE SKIN.

137. ABSOLUTELY WATERPROOF.

138. THE ICE AT PARTIES.

139. AMUSE YOUR FRIENDS.

140. C.S. GAS CANISTERS... SMELLS, TASTES AND ACTS

141. JUST LIKE THE REAL THING; CAN BLIND, MAIM OR KILL.

142. OR FOR DRINKS, WHY NOT BUY A "WICKED WILLY"

143. WITH A LIFE-SIZE WINKLE?

144. SERVES WARM BEER.

145. MAKES REAL COCKTAILS.

146. HOURS OF AMUSEMENT.

147. OR GET THE NEW POOH-POOH MACHINE.

148. EMBARRASS YOUR GUESTS...

149. AUTHENTIC SOUND.

150. OR WHY NOT TRY A NEW "NAUGHTY NIGHTIE"?

151. PUT IT ON AND IT MELTS.

152. JUST WATCH THEIR FACES.

153. AT NAUGHTY PARTIES.

154. GO ON, GO ON.

155. WHAT?

156. DO THE PUNCH LINE.

157. WHAT PUNCH LINE?

158. FOR THIS BIT.

159. I DON'T KNOW IT.

160. THEY DIDN'T

161. ABOUT A PUNCH LINE.

162. OH!

163. OH, WELL, IN THAT CASE

164. I'LL BE SAYING GOOD-BYE THEN, SIR.

165. GOOD-BYE THEN, SIR.

166. WHAT'S THE PUNCH LINE?

167. PUNCH LINE?

168. I DON'T THINK THERE'S

169. IS THERE?

170. WHERE ARE WE?

171. UH... WEEK 39.4...

172. NO, IT'S FRIDAY, ISN'T IT?

173. 39.7...

174. UH... HERE WE ARE.

175. OH!

176. VERY GOOD.

177. VERY GOOD.

178. PUNCH LINE.

179. PITY WE MISSED THAT.

180. STILL, NEVER MIND.

181. DO IT AGAIN.

182. OUT OF IT.

183. NOW, IF YOU WOULD

184. I'LL PUT THIS THROUGH

185. IN A YEAR OR TWO.

186. A LIFT BACK?

187. AH, CAN DO... BUT WON'T.

188. OF ANIMATION.

189. WHAT?

190. OH, JOLLY GOOD.

191. THANKS VERY, VERY MUCH.

192. YOU WILL GET EXPENSES.

193. SERGEANT, SOMEHOW

194. WE'VE GOT TO GET IN THERE AND GET IT.

195. I KNOW, SIR, BUT IT'S GOING TO BE DIFFICULT.

196. YOU'LL NEED SOME SORT OF DIVERSION.

197. YES, SIR, BUT WHAT?

198. WELL, WE COULD...

199. NO, NO, IT'S GOT TO BE...

200. NO, NOT RIGHT!

201. WAIT!

202. I'VE GOT IT!

203. WELL DONE, SOLDIER.

204. LOAD AND FIRE.

205. YES, SIR.

206. FIRE!

207. READY, AIM, FIRE!

208. WE ARE NOT AMUSED.

209. HM...

210. HMM...

211. HMMM...

212. GENTLEMEN...

213. OUR M.P. SAW THE P.M. THIS A.M.

214. AND THE P.M. WANTS MORE L.S.D. FROM THE P.I.B.

215. BY TOMORROW A.M. OR P.M. AT THE LATEST.

216. I TOLD THE P.M.'S P.P.S. THAT A.M. WAS N.B.G.

217. SO TOMORROW P.M. IT IS FOR THE P.M. NEM. CON.

218. OR I'LL GO SPARE.

219. NOW...

220. THE CURRENT FINANCIAL YEAR,

221. TERMINATING IN APRIL.

222. I THINK HE'S TALKING ABOUT TAXATION.

223. BRAVO, MADGE.

224. WELL DONE.

225. THE VERY NUB OF MY GIST.

226. GENTLEMEN, WE HAVE TO FIND SOMETHING NEW TO TAX.

227. I UNDERSTOOD THAT.

228. AROUND A BIT, SIR...

229. MM-HMM.

230. WELL, MOST

231. EXCEPT... ONE.

232. WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

233. WELL, SMOKING'S

234. DRINKING'S BEEN TAXED...

235. BUT NOT... UH...

236. THINGY.

237. GOOD LORD.

238. YOU'RE NOT SUGGESTING WE SHOULD TAX...

239. THINGY.

240. POO POOS?

241. NO!

242. THANK GOD FOR THAT.

243. FOR A MOMENT.

244. NO, NO, NO, THINGY!

245. NUMBER ONES?

246. NO... THINGY!

247. THINGY!

248. OH!

249. THINGY!

250. WELL, IT'D CERTAINLY MAKE

251. A MUCH MORE INTERESTING JOB.

252. I WOULD PUT A TAX...

253. ON ALL PEOPLE...

254. WHO STAND IN WATER.

255. OH!

256. I'D TAX ALL FOREIGNERS LIVING ABROAD.

257. I WOULD TAX THE NUDE IN MY BED.

258. NO, NOT TAX...

259. WHAT IS THE WORD?

260. WELCOME.

261. AND I'VE A FEELING SHE'D TAX ME.

262. AND GO INTO ROPE.

263. FOR PLAYING FIELDS.

264. I WOULD TAX HOLIDAY SNAPS.

265. IN FRONT OF THE HOUSE.

266. OF THE HOUSE.

267. OF THE HOUSE.

268. BUT YOU CAN SEE THE SIDE OF THE HOUSE.

269. BUT YOU CAN STILL SEE THE FRONT.

270. TO THE FRONT.

271. THE COAL SHED.

272. OH, I DIDN'T EXPECT THE SPANISH INQUISITION.

273. THE SPANISH INQUISITION!

274. HA!

275. NOW, OLD WOMAN,

276. HERESY BY THOUGHT,

277. AND HERESY BY ACTION.

278. FOUR COUNTS.

279. DO YOU CONFESS?

280. I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHAT I'M ACCUSED OF.

281. HA!

282. HA! HA!

283. YOU UNDERSTAND!

284. BIGGLES...

285. FETCH THE CUSHIONS!

286. ARE, LORD.

287. NOW, OLD LADY, YOU HAVE ONE LAST CHANCE.

288. THE WORKS OF THE...

289. TWO LAST CHANCES... AND YOU SHALL BE FREE.

290. THREE LAST CHANCES... YOU HAVE THREE LAST CHANCES...

291. UTTERANCE.

292. I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT.

293. RIGHT!

294. IF THAT'S THE WAY YOU WANT IT!

295. CARDINAL...

296. POKE HER WITH THE SOFT CUSHIONS!

297. CONFESS!

298. CONFESS!

299. CONFESS!

300. IT DOESN'T SEEM TO BE HURTING HER, MY LORD.

301. STUFFING UP ONE END?

302. YES, LORD.

303. HMM, SHE IS MADE OF HARDER STUFF.

304. CARDINAL FANG...

305. FETCH...

306. THE COMFY CHAIR.

307. THE COMFY CHAIR?

308. YES.

309. SO, YOU THINK

310. THE SOFT CUSHIONS!

311. WELL, WE SHALL SEE!

312. BIGGLES, PUT HER IN THE COMFY CHAIR!

313. NOW...

314. OF COFFEE AT 11:00.

315. ALL IT IS?

316. YES, LORD.

317. I SEE.

318. A LOT, DO WE?

319. CONFESS, WOMAN.

320. CONFESS!

321. CONFESS!

322. CONFESS! CONFESS!

323. I CONFESS!

324. NOT YOU!

325. I CONFESS.

326. WHO WAS THAT?

327. I CONFESS.

328. I CONFESS.

329. I CONFESS.

330. I CONFESS.

331. I CONFESS.

332. I CONFESS.

333. I CONFESS.

334. WELL, MADAM, I'M GLAD YOU'VE COME TO SEE ME.

335. AS A DOCTOR, I SHALL

336. IN ANY WAY I CAN.

337. OF COURSE, ANY...

338. VERY HIGH STATE...

339. REPEAT THAT?

340. I'M A BIT DEAF.

341. NOW, THE B.M.A.

342. MEDICAL ASSOCIATION...

343. LOUDER, PLEASE, I STILL CAN'T HEAR!

344. I CONFESS!

345. SPEAK UP, I CAN'T HEAR YOU!

346. NOW, FOR THE

347. THAT ONCE SHOCKED A GENERATION.

348. FROM EMILY BRONTE'S

349. 20th CENTURY VOLE PRESENTS

350. OF WUTHERING HEIGHTS.

351. JULIUS CAESAR ON AN ALDIS LAMP.

352. AT O.K. CORRAL IN MORSE CODE...

353. OF GENTLEMEN PREFER BLONDES.

354. A VERDICT?

355. WE HAVE, MY LORD.

356. THE DEFENDANT?

357. TWO WORDS?

358. FIRST WORD.

359. ROPE, STRING...

360. POINT.

361. BELT.

362. TIE.

363. CRAVAT.

364. SILK SQUARE.

365. KNOT.

366. SECOND WORD.

367. TWO SYLLABLES.

368. FIRST SYLLABLE.

369. BIRD?

370. SWIMMER.

371. BREASTSTROKE.

372. BRIAN PHELPS.

373. NO, NO, NO, HE WAS A DIVER!

374. ESTHER WILLIAMS, THEN.

375. NO, NO, DON'T BE SILLY!

376. "NOT ESTHER WILLIAMS"?

377. FISH!

378. FISH...

379. WHEEZE...

380. FISH WHEEZE...

381. FISH BREATHE.

382. FISH BREATHE THROAT.

383. FISH BREATHE THROAT... GILL!

384. KNOT GILL...

385. SECOND SYLLABLE.

386. KNOT GILL...

387. DRINK.

388. SIP...

389. IMBIBE.

390. KNOT GILL...

391. CUP!

392. KNOT GILLCUP!

393. YOU'VE BEEN FOUND

394. THIS COURT A FREE MAN.

395. RIGHT, MY TURN.

396. FOUR WORDS.

397. FIRST WORD, SHOUT!

398. BELLOW!

399. CALL.

400. SECOND WORD...

401. IS VERY SMALL.

402. UM, "A."

403. AN?

404. UP.

405. THE.

406. CALL THE.

407. THIRD WORD.

408. GILL?

409. FISH!

410. ADAM'S APPLE!

411. NECK!

412. SOUNDS LIKE NECK!

413. NEXT!

414. CALL THE NEXT!

415. FOURTH WORD, THREE SYLLABLES.

416. FIRST SYLLABLE.

417. EAR.

418. HEAR, CAN'T HEAR.

419. DEAF.

420. DEAF!

421. CALL THE NEXT DEAF.

422. BOTTOM?

423. SEAT.

424. TROUSER.

425. CHEEK.

426. END! CALL THE NEXT DEAF-END.

427. ANT!

428. DEFENDANT!

429. MR. JUSTICE KILBRAKEN.

430. IF I MAY CHARGE YOU,

431. YOU ARE CHARGED, MY LORD

432. THAT ON THE 14th DAY OF JUNE, 1970

433. A BREACH OF THE PEACE.

434. HOW PLEAD YOU, MY LORD, GUILTY OR NOT GUILTY?

435. NOT GUILTY.

436. CASE NOT PROVEN, COURT ADJOURNED.

437. NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO!

438. NO, NO, NO!

439. NO, YOU'RE IN THE DOCK, MY LORD.

440. I AM A JUDGE, MY LORD.

441. SO AM I, MY LORD, SO WATCH IT.

442. CALL THIS A COURT!

443. A COURT!

444. CALL THIS A COURT!

445. A COURT!

446. SHUT UP!

447. RIGHT, NOW GET ON WITH THE SPIEL.

448. MY LORD,

449. TO SHOW, MY LORD, THAT MY LORD...

450. NOT YOU, MY LORD, THAT MY LORD, MY LORD...

451. BLOTTED HIS COPY BOOK.

452. CALL EXHIBIT "Q."

453. "Q"?

454. SORRY, DID I SAY "Q"?

455. I MEANT "A."

456. CALL EXHIBIT "A."

457. EXHIBIT "A"!

458. EXHIBIT "A," MY LORD,

459. AN ARTIST'S MODEL,

460. IN THE ACCUSED'S COURT.

461. THE ACCUSED, MY LORD,

462. "TO BE TAKEN

463. TO HIS PLACE."

464. OBJECTION, MY LORD!

465. OBJECTION SUSTAINED.

466. YOU SHUT UP! OBJECTION OVERRULED.

467. ON MISS THANG'S

468. TO EMIT LOW MOANS.

469. IN YOUR DEFENSE?

470. WELL, I HAVEN'T HAD ANY FOR WEEKS.

471. OH, NO? WHAT ABOUT

472. YOU'VE GOT TUCKED AWAY IN BELSIZE PARK?

473. OH, I NEVER!

474. OH, NO!

475. ALL RIGHT, THEN, WHAT ABOUT 8-A WOODFORD SQUARE?

476. AND I'LL DO YOU FOR TREASON.

477. UH, MY LORD, IF WE COULD CONTINUE.

478. HE'S GOT A CHINESE BIT THERE.

479. NO, THAT'S CONTEMPT OF COURT!

480. OH, IT'S ONLY A JOKE!

481. OF COURT!

482. HOWEVER, I'M NOT

483. BECAUSE WE'RE SO SHORT

484. EMIGRATING TO SOUTH AFRICA.

485. I'M GOING TOMORROW, I'VE GOT MY TICKET.

486. SOME DECENT SENTENCING DONE.

487. OH, ENGLAND MAKES YOU SICK.

488. IS LIFE IMPRISONMENT.

489. IN THE MORNING.

490. NOW, SOUTH AFRICA

491. YOU'VE GOT YOUR CAT-O-NINE TAILS

492. YOU'VE GOT FOUR

493. YOU'VE GOT CHEAP DRINKS,

494. AND A BOOMING STOCK MARKET.

495. I'M OFF, I TELL YOU.

496. YES, I'M UP TO HERE

497. PSYCHIATRIC REPORTS.

498. THAT'S IT, I'M OFF.

499. THAT'S IT.

500. RIGHT, WELL, I'M GOING TO HAVE

501. TO BE BURNT AT THE STAKE.

502. BLIMEY, I DIDN'T EXPECT THE SPANISH INQUISITION.

503. TWO... UH, THREE TO THE OLD BAILEY, PLEASE.

504. LOOK, THEY'VE STARTED THE CREDITS!

505. HURRY, HURRY, HURRY!

506. COME ON, HURRY!

507. THERE'S THE LIGHTING CREDIT!

508. ONLY FIVE LEFT!

509. HELL, IT'S THE PRODUCER, QUICK!

510. NOBODY EXPECTS THE...

511. OH, BUGGER!