Monty Python's Flying Circus 2x12

1. Thank you very much for the change,

2. Mr. Tobacconist.

3. Was that all right?

4. Shh! Shh!

5. Uh... Ah.

6. I will not buy this record,

7. it is scratched.

8. Sorry?

9. I will not buy this record, it is scratched.

10. Uh, no, no, no. This is a tobacconist's.

11. Ahhh!

12. I will not buy this tobacconist's,

13. it is scratched.

14. No, no, no. Tobacco. Um. Cigarettes.

15. Yeah. Yes, cigarettes. Yeah.

16. Uh, um, yeah, my hovercraft is full of eels.

17. What?

18. My hovercraft

19. is full of eels. Ah! Matches, matches.

20. Yeah,yeah,yeah.

21. Do you want?

22. Do you want to come back to my place, bouncy, bouncy?

23. l-l don't think you're using that right.

24. You great poof.

25. Um...

26. That'll be 6 and 6, please.

27. If I said you had a beautiful body

28. would you hold it against me?

29. l-- I am no longer infected.

30. May I? May I?

31. Yeah,yeah.

32. It costs 6 and 6. Costs 6 and, ah...

33. Here we are. Um,

34. Yah!

35. What's going on here, then?

36. Ah. You have beautiful thighs.

37. What? He hit me.

38. Drop your panties, Sir William, I cannot wait till lunchtime.

39. Right!

40. My nipples explode with delight.

41. Call Alexander Yahlt.

42. Call Alexander Yahlt

43. Oh, shut up.

44. You are Alexander Yahlt?

45. Oh, lam.

46. Skip the impersonations.

47. You are Alexander Yahlt? I am.

48. You are hereby charged that on the 28th day of May, 1970

49. you did willfully, unlawfully, and with malice aforethought

50. publish an alleged English-Hungarian phrasebook

51. with intent to cause a breach of the peace.

52. How do you plead? Not guilty.

53. You live at 46 Horton Terrace?

54. I do live at 46 Horton Tenace.

55. You are the director of a publishing company?

56. I am a director of a publishing company.

57. You publish phrasebooks?

58. My company publishes phrasebooks.

59. You said 46 Horton Terrace?

60. Yes. Hah! Got him.

61. Get on with it. Get on with it.

62. Yes, my lord.

63. On the 28th day of May, you published this phrasebook.

64. I did.

65. I quote an example.

66. The Hungarian phrase meaning

67. "Can you direct me to the station?"

68. is translated by the English phrase,

69. "Please fondle my bum."

70. I wish to plead incompetence.

71. Please, may I ask for an adjournment, my lord?

72. An adjournment? Certainly not.

73. Why on earth didn't you say why you wanted an adjournment?

74. I didn't know an acceptable legal phrase, my lord.

75. If there's any more stock film of women applauding,

76. I'll clear the court.

77. Call Abigail Tesler.

78. My lord, this is Abigail Tesler. Is it?

79. Yes, my lord.

80. 23-year-old Abigail hails from Down Under

81. where they're upside-down about her.

82. Those Aussies certainly know a thing or two

83. when it comes to beach belles.

84. Bet some lifesaver wouldn't mind giving her the kiss of life.

85. So watch out for the sharks, Abigail!

86. "Is this strictly relevant?"

87. quizzed learned, lovely Justice Maltravers.

88. Seventy-eight-year-old justice hails from Esher,

89. and he's been making a big name for himself

90. at the recent Assizes at Exeter.

91. "All will be revealed soon, my lord,"

92. quipped tall 42-year-old Nelson Bedowes, cutie Q.C.

93. Nelson's keen on negligence

94. and grievous bodily harm at Gray's Inn.

95. And with cases like he's won,

96. we bet Gray's in when Nelson's around.

97. "Well, get on with it,"

98. admitted 78-year-old genial jurisprude Maltravers

99. seen here at London airport,

100. on his way to judge for Britain

101. at the International Court at The Hague...

102. Get off!

103. Oof.

104. Good evening. Tonight is indeed a unique occasion

105. in the history of television.

106. We are very privileged and honored to have with us

107. in the studio Karl Marx,

108. founder of modern socialism

109. and author of the Communist Manifesto.

110. Vladimir llyich Ulyanov,

111. better known to the world as Lenin,

112. leader of the Russian Revolution,

113. writer, statesman, and father of modern communism.

114. Che Guevara,

115. And Mao Tse-tung,

116. leader of the Chinese Communist Party

117. since 1949.

118. And the first question is for you, Karl Marx.

119. The Hammers.

120. The Hammers is the nickname of what English football team?

121. The Hammers?

122. No? Well, bad luck there, Karl.

123. So we'll go on to you Che. Che Guevara.

124. Coventry City last won the FA Cup in what year?

125. No?

126. I'll throw it open.

127. Coventry City last won the FA Cup in what year?

128. No? I'm not surprised you didn't get that.

129. It was a trick question.

130. Coventry City have never won the FA Cup.

131. So, with the scores all equal,

132. now we go on to our second round

133. and, Lenin, it's your starter for 10.

134. Teddy Johnson and Pearl Carr

135. won the Eurovision Song Contest in 1959.

136. What was the name of the song?

137. Teddy Johnson and Pearl Carr's song in the 1959 Song Contest?

138. Anybody? No?

139. Yes, Mao Tse-tung?

140. "Sing, Little Birdie"?

141. Yes, it was indeed.

142. Well challenged.

143. Well, now we come on to our special gift section.

144. The contestant is Karl Marx

145. and the prize this week is a beautiful lounge suite.

146. Now, Karl has elected to answer questions

147. on the workers' control of factories,

148. so here we go with question number one.

149. Are you nervous?

150. The development of the industrial proletariat

151. is conditioned by what other development?

152. The development of the industrial bourgeoisie.

153. Yes, yes, it is indeed.

154. You're on your way to your lounge suite, Karl.

155. Question number two.

156. The struggle of class against class

157. is a what struggle?

158. A what struggle?

159. A political struggle.

160. Yes, yes.

161. One final question, Karl,

162. and the beautiful lounge suite will be yours.

163. Are you going to have a go?

164. You're a brave man. Karl Marx, your final question.

165. Who won the Cup Final in 1949?

166. Th-th-the workers' control of the means of production.

167. The struggle of the urban proletariat.

168. No. It was, in fact, Wolverhampton Wanderers

169. who beat Leicester 3-1.

170. Ah, thank you. Just the word I was looking for.

171. "I wonder," said LaFarge, "just how much Molly knew."

172. Ai!

173. So much for bad jokes.

174. And now a bit of fun.

175. Jenkins? Yes, sarge?

176. What are you gonna do when you get back to Blighty?

177. I don't know, sarge. I expect I'll be looking after me mum.

178. She'll be getting on a bit now.

179. Got family of your own, have you?

180. No, she's... She's all I got left now.

181. My wife, Doreen, she...

182. I got a letter.

183. You don't have to tell me, son.

184. No, sarge, I'd like to tell you,

185. see, this bloke...

186. Hold it! Hold it!

187. Look, loves, can anyone not involved in this scene,

188. please leave the set.

189. Now, come on, please.

190. Anyone not concerned in this scene.

191. The canteen's open upstairs.

192. Now, come on, please.

193. Sorry, loves. Sorry.

194. We'll have to take it again, from the top, all right?

195. Okay. Cue!

196. Hold it, hold it.

197. Now, who changed the caption?

198. Can whoever changed the caption

199. put the right one back immediately, please?

200. Right. All right, we'll take it again, from the top. Cue.

201. Hold it, hold it. Come on. Come on, out of there.

202. You're not in this.

203. You're just holding the whole thing up.

204. Come on, please.

205. It's no good, loves. It's no good.

206. We'll have to leave it for now.

207. Come back when everyone's settled down.

208. So that means we go over to the Art Room, all right?

209. So cue camera three.

210. Sorry, camera four.

211. Aren't they marvelous?

212. Yes, yes.

213. The strength and boldness.

214. Life and power in those colors.

215. This must be Titian's masterpiece.

216. Oh, indeed, if only for the composition alone.

217. The strength of those foreground figures.

218. The firmness of the line.

219. Yes, the confidence of a master

220. at the height of his powers.

221. Yes? Hello, sonny, your dad in?

222. Yes. Could I speak to him, please?

223. It's the man from The Hay Wain. Who?

224. The man from The Hay Wain by Constable.

225. Dad, it's the man from The Hay Wain

226. by Constable to see you.

227. Coming.

228. Hello? How are you? Come on in.

229. Oh, no, no, can't stop, just passing by, actually.

230. Oh, where are you now?

231. Well, may you ask.

232. We just been moved in next to a room full of Brueghels.

233. Terrible bloody din. Skating all hours of the night.

234. Anyway, I just dropped in to tell you

235. there's been a walkout in the Impressionists.

236. Walkout, eh?

237. Yeah. It started with the Déjeuner sur I'herbe lot

238. they were moved away from above the radiator or something.

239. Anyway, the Impressionists are all out.

240. Gainsborough's Blue Boy's brought the 18th-century English portraits,

241. the Flemish School's solid, the woodcuts are at the meeting.

242. Right, well, I'll get the Renaissance out.

243. Okay, meeting 4:30. Bridge at Arles.

244. Okay, cheerio. Good luck, son.

245. Okay, good night... Right. Everybody out.

246. I'm off.

247. I'm off.

248. I'm off, dear.

249. I'm off.

250. I'm off too.

251. I'm off.

252. Here is the news.

253. By an almost unanimous vote,

254. paintings of The National Gallery

255. voted to continue the strike that has emptied frames

256. for the last week.

257. The man from Constable's The Hay Wain said last night

258. that there was no chance of a return

259. to the pictures before the weekend.

260. Sir Kenneth Clarke has said he will talk to any painting

261. if it can help bring a speedy end to the strike.

262. WOMAN IN SAW-BOX:

263. At Sotheby's, prices dropped dramatically

264. as leading figures left their paintings.

265. What am I bid for Vermeer's

266. Lady Who Used to be at a Window?

267. Do I hear two bob?

268. Two bob. Gone.

269. Now, what am I bid for another great bargain?

270. Edward Landseer's Nothing at Bay.

271. All we bloody want

272. is a little bit of bloody consultation.

273. At a mass meeting at Brentford Football Ground,

274. other works of art voted to come out

275. in support of the paintings.

276. The vote was unanimous.

277. With one abstention.

278. Meanwhile, at Television Center, work began again on a sketch about Ypres.

279. A spokesman for the sketch said

280. he fully expected it to be more sensible this time.

281. Jenkins? Yes, sarge?

282. What are you gonna do when you get back to Blighty?

283. I don't know, sarge. I expect I'll look after me mum.

284. She'll be getting on a bit now.

285. Got a family of your own, have you?

286. No. She's all I got left now.

287. My wife, Doreen, she...

288. I got a letter.

289. You don't have to tell me, son.

290. No, sarge, I'd like to tell you.

291. You see, this bloke from up the street--

292. Okay, chaps, at ease.

293. I've just been up the line.

294. Can we get through, sir?

295. No, I'm afraid we'll have to make a break for it at nightfall.

296. Right, sir. We're all with you.

297. Yes, I know, that's just the problem, sergeant.

298. How many are there of us?

299. Sir, there's you, me, Jenkins

300. Padre, Kipper. That's five, sir.

301. And only rations for...?

302. Four, sir. Precisely.

303. I'm afraid one of us will have to take the other way out.

304. I'm a goner, major. Leave me, I'm...

305. I'm not a complete man anymore.

306. You've lost both your arms as well.

307. Yes.

308. Damn silly, really.

309. No. No, we'll draw for it.

310. That's the way we do things in the army.

311. Sergeant, the straws.

312. Wotcher.

313. Right. Now, the man who gets the shortest straw

314. knows what to do.

315. Looks like you, sir.

316. Is it?

317. What did we say, the longest straw, was it?

318. No, shortest, sir.

319. Well, we'd better do it again, there's obviously been a bit of a muddle.

320. Best of three?

321. Right. Well, I got the shortest straw, so...

322. I decide what means we use to decide

323. who's going to do--

324. to-- to, uh, to, uh, to do the thing.

325. To do the right thing.

326. Now, rank doesn't enter into this

327. but obviously,

328. if I should get through the lines

329. I'll be in a very good position to recommend anyone

330. very highly, for a posthumous VC.

331. No?

332. Good. Fine. Fine. Fine.

333. Right.

334. Dip, dip, dip, my little ship

335. sails on the ocean, you are--

336. No. No, wait a minute. I must have missed out a dip.

337. I'll start again.

338. Dip, dip, dip, clip, my little ship

339. sails on the ocean, you are--

340. No, this is not working out. It's not working out.

341. W-w-what shall we do?

342. Uh, how about one potato, two potato?

343. Don't be childish, Jenkins.

344. No, I think-- I think fisties would be best.

345. Okay, so hands behind backs.

346. After three, okay?

347. One, two, three.

348. Now, what's this?

349. Uh, stone, stone, stone, and scissors.

350. Now, scissors cut everything, don't they?

351. Not stone, sir. They're very good scissors.

352. No arms, sir.

353. Oh, I'm terribly sorry, l-l-l'm afraid I didn't...

354. Tell you what. All those people who don't want to stay here

355. and shoot themselves, raise their arms.

356. Stop it! Stop it, stop this, this hideous facade!

357. E-- Easy, Padre.

358. No, no, I must speak. When I--

359. When I came to this war, I had two arms, two good arms.

360. But when the time came

361. to lose one, I gave it gladly.

362. I smiled as they cut if off,

363. because I knew there was a future for mankind.

364. l-- I knew there was hope.

365. So long as men were prepared to give their limbs.

366. When the time came for me to give my other arm

367. I gave it gladly. I...

368. I sang as they sawed it off. Because I believed.

369. Oh, you may laugh,

370. but I believed with every fiber of my body

371. with every drop of rain that falls

372. a-- a flower grows.

373. And that flower,

374. that small, fragile, delicate flower

375. shall burst forth to give a new life.

376. A new strength.

377. Where there is freedom.

378. Freedom from fear

379. and freedom from oppression.

380. And freedom from tyranny.

381. A world where men and women of all races and creeds

382. can live together in communion.

383. And then, in the twilight of this life

384. our children and our children's children...

385. All our patients here are suffering from severe overacting.

386. Arr, Jim Hawkins.

387. When they're brought in, they're all really over the top.

388. And it's our job to try and treat the condition of overacting.

389. -- am King Rat.

390. Rather serious.

391. This is the Richard III Ward.

392. A horse.

393. My kingdom for a horse.

394. Most of these cases are unpleasant. A horse.

395. Nurse. A horse.

396. My kingdom...

397. Treatment does work with some people.

398. This chap came to us straight from the Chichester Festival.

399. We operated just in time, and now he's almost normal.

400. A horse, a horse, my kingdom for a horse.

401. Arr. Arr. I am King Rat.

402. But, uh, in here

403. we have some very nasty cases indeed. To be...

404. or not to be.

405. That is the question.

406. To be...

407. Good evening.

408. First, take a bunch of flowers.

409. Pretty begonias, irises, freesias

410. and cry-manthesums.

411. Then, arrange them

412. nicely in a vase.

413. Oh! Get in!

414. Get in! Get in!

415. Morning. Morning.

416. What have you got, then?

417. Well, there's egg and bacon.

418. Egg, sausage and bacon. Egg and Spam. Egg, bacon and Spam.

419. Egg, bacon, sausage and Spam.

420. Spam, bacon, sausage and Spam.

421. Spam, egg, Spam, Spam, bacon and Spam.

422. Spam, Spam, Spam,

423. egg and Spam.

424. Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam

425. baked beans,

426. Spam, Spam, Spam and Spam.

427. Or Lobster thermidor aux crevettes with a Mornay sauce

428. garnished with truffle paté, brandy, and a fried egg on top and Spam.

429. Have you got anything without Spam in it?

430. Well, there's Spam, egg, sausage and Spam,

431. that's not got much Spam.

432. I don't want any Spam.

433. Why can't she have egg, bacon, Spam and sausage?

434. That's got Spam in it.

435. Not as much as Spam, egg, sausage and Spam.

436. Look, could I have egg, bacon, Spam and sausage, without the Spam?

437. Eww. What do you mean "eww"?

438. I don't like Spam!

439. Spam Spam Spam Spam

440. Spammity Spam Wonderful Spam

441. Shut up. Shut up!

442. Shut up! Shut up!

443. You can't have egg, bacon, Spam and sausage without the Spam.

444. Why not?

445. Well, it wouldn't be egg, bacon, Spam and sausage.

446. I don't like Spam!

447. Don't make a fuss, dear.

448. I'll have your Spam. I love it.

449. I'm having Spam, Spam, Spam...

450. Spam Spam Spam ...Spam, Spam, Spam,

451. Spam, baked beans, Spam, Spam and Spam.

452. Baked beans are off.

453. Well, can I have Spam instead?

454. You mean Spam, Spam, Spam,

455. Spam, Spam, Spam... Spam Spam Spam Spam

456. Yes.

457. Shut up!

458. Ah, great boobies, honeybun.

459. My lower intestine is full of

460. Spam, egg. Spam, bacon, Spam, tomato, Spam...

461. Shut up! Shut up! My nipples exp--

462. Spammity Spam Wonderful Spam

463. Another great Viking victory was at the Green Midget café in Bromley.

464. Once again, the Viking strategy was the same.

465. They sailed from these fjords here,

466. assembled at Trondheim, waited for the strong northeasterly winds

467. to blow their galleys to England,

468. whence they sailed on May 23rd.

469. Once in Bromley, they assembled in the Green Midget cafe

470. and Spam selecting a Spam item from the Spam menu would...

471. Spam Spam Spam Spam Spam Spam Spam Spam

472. Spammity Spam Wonderful Spam

473. Haagbard Etheldronga and his Viking hordes

474. are currently appearing in Grin and Pillage It

475. at the Jodrell Theatre, Colwyn Bay.

476. The Dirty Hungarian Phrase Book

477. is available from

478. Her Majesty's Stationery Office.

479. Price: a kiss on the bum.