Monty Python's Flying Circus 2x11

1. COME IN.

2. AH, FROG.

3. S. FROG.

4. SHUT UP.

5. I WANT TO HAVE A WORD WITH YOU, FROG.

6. S. FROG, SIR. SHUT UP.

7. IT'S ABOUT YOUR ADVERTISING CAMPAIGN

8. FOR CONQUISTADOR COFFEE.

9. NOW, I'VE HAD THE MANAGING DIRECTOR

10. OF CONQUISTADOR TO SEE ME THIS MORNING

11. AND HE'S VERY UNHAPPY WITH YOUR CAMPAIGN.

12. VERY UNHAPPY.

13. IN FACT, HE SHOT HIMSELF.

14. BADLY, SIR?

15. NO. EXTREMELY WELL.

16. WELL, BEFORE HE WENT

17. HE LEFT A NOTE WITH THE COMPANY SECRETARY.

18. THE EFFECT OF WHICH WAS HOW DISAPPOINTED HE WAS

19. WITH YOUR WORK AND IN PARTICULAR

20. WHY YOU WOULD CHANGE THE NAME

21. "CONQUISTADOR INSTANT COFFEE" TO "CONQUISTADOR INSTANT LEPROSY."

22. WHY, FROG?

23. S. FROG, SIR.

24. SHUT UP.

25. WHY DID YOU DO IT?

26. IT WAS A JOKE.

27. A JOKE?

28. NO. NO, NOT A JOKE.

29. A SALES CAMPAIGN.

30. I SEE, FROG.

31. S. FROG, SIR.

32. SHUT UP.

33. NOW, LET'S HAVE A LOOK AT THE SALES CHART.

34. WHEN YOU TOOK OVER THIS ACCOUNT, FROG

35. CONQUISTADOR WAS BRAND LEADER.

36. HERE YOU INTRODUCED YOUR FIRST CAMPAIGN...

37. "CONQUISTADOR COFFEE BRINGS A NEW MEANING

38. TO THE WORD 'VOMIT'."

39. HERE YOU MADE YOUR SPECIAL INTRODUCTORY OFFER

40. OF A FREE DEAD DOG WITH EVERY JAR.

41. AND THIS FOLLOWED YOUR SECOND CAMPAIGN

42. "THE TINGLING FRESH COFFEE

43. "WHICH BRINGS YOU EXCITING NEW CHOLERA, MANGE, SAPPORTIA

44. "DROPSY, THE CLAP, HARD PAD, AND ATHLETE'S HEAD

45. FROM THE HOUSE OF CONQUISTADOR."

46. IT WAS A SOFT SELL, SIR.

47. WHY, FROG?

48. S. FROG, SIR.

49. SHUT UP.

50. WELL?

51. WELL, PEOPLE KNOW THE NAME, SIR.

52. THEY CERTAINLY DO KNOW THE NAME.

53. THEY BURNED THE FACTORY DOWN.

54. THE OWNER IS HIDING IN MY BATHROOM.

55. THE OWNER WAS HIDING IN MY BATHROOM.

56. YOU'RE NOT GOING TO FIRE ME, SIR?

57. FIRE YOU?

58. THREE MEN DEAD, THE FACTORY BURNED DOWN

59. THE ACCOUNT LOST

60. AND OUR FIRM COMPLETELY BANKRUPT.

61. WHAT CAN YOU POSSIBLY SAY?

62. WHAT EXCUSE CAN YOU POSSIBLY MAKE!

63. SORRY, FATHER.

64. AH, YES.

65. OH, INCIDENTALLY, YOUR FILM'S WON A PRIZE.

66. SORRY ABOUT THAT.

67. AND NOW FOR SOMETHING COMPLETELY

68. DIFF COMPLETELY...

69. DIFF COMPLETELY...

70. DIFF COMPLETELY...

71. DIFF COMPLETELY DIFFERENT.

72. IT'S...

73. MONTY PYTHON'S FLYING CIRCUS.

74. 1929. STANLEY BALDWIN'S CONSERVATIVE GOVERNMENT

75. IS DEFEATED

76. AND RAMSAY MacDONALD BECOMES

77. FOR THE SECOND TIME

78. PRIME MINISTER OF ENGLAND.

79. WHEW. MY, IT'S HOT IN HERE.

80. HELLO? COME IN.

81. AH, HELLO, HELLO.

82. HOW MUCH DO YOU WANT

83. FOR THE BRIEFCASE?

84. WELL, I...

85. ALL RIGHT, THEN

86. THE BRIEFCASE AND THE UMBRELLA

87. A FIVER DOWN, MUST BE MY FINAL OFFER.

88. I DON'T REALLY WANT TO SELL THEM.

89. I'VE COME FOR A JOB.

90. OH, TAKE A SEAT. TAKE A SEAT.

91. THANK YOU.

92. I SEE YOU CHOSE THE CANVAS CHAIR

93. WITH THE ALUMINUM FRAME.

94. I'LL THROW THAT IN.

95. THAT AND THE FIVER FOR THE BRIEFCASE AND THE UMBRELLA.

96. NO, MAKE IT FAIR, THE BRIEFCASE AND THE UMBRELLA

97. AND THE TWO PENS IN YOUR BREAST POCKET

98. AND THE CHAIR'S YOURS AND A FIVER

99. AND A PAIR OF EX-GERMAN U-BOAT COMMANDER'S BINOCULARS.

100. REALLY, THEY'RE NOT FOR SALE.

101. NOT FOR SALE?

102. WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?

103. I CAME ABOUT THE ADVERTISEMENT

104. FOR THE JOB OF ASSISTANT EDITOR.

105. OH, YEAH. YEAH, RIGHT.

106. OH, OKAY.

107. UH, HOW MUCH EXPERIENCE IN JOURNALISM?

108. FIVE YEARS.

109. RIGHT. TYPING SPEED?

110. 50.

111. "O" LEVELS?

112. EIGHT.

113. "A" LEVELS?

114. TWO.

115. RIGHT.

116. WELL, I'LL GIVE YOU THE JOB...

117. AND THE CHAIR AND AN ALL-WOOL, EX-ARMY SLEEPING BAG

118. FOR THE BRIEFCASE, THE UMBRELLA

119. THE PENS IN YOUR BREAST POCKET

120. AND YOUR STRING VEST.

121. WHEN DO I START?

122. MONDAY. MARVELOUS.

123. IF YOU THROW IN THE SHOES AS WELL.

124. HELLO, MISS JOHNSON

125. COULD WE HAVE TWO COFFEE AND BISCUITS, PLEASE?

126. One coffee and one biscuit for the two ex-army greatcoats

127. and the alarm clock on the mantelpiece.

128. TWO EX-ARMY GREATCOATS AND THE ALARM CLOCK

129. AND A TABLE LAMP FOR TWO COFFEES AND BISCUITS.

130. TWO GREATCOATS AND TWO TABLE LAMPS.

131. TWO GREATCOATS, ONE TABLE LAMP, AND A DESERT BOOT.

132. FOR TWO COFFEE AND BISCUITS?

133. DONE.

134. DONE.

135. SO, MISS JOHNSON RETURNED TO HER TYPING

136. AND DREAMED HER LITTLE DREAMY DREAMS

137. UNAWARE AS SHE WAS OF THE CRUEL TRICK

138. FATE HAD IN STORE FOR HER.

139. FOR MISS JOHNSON WAS ABOUT TO FALL VICTIM

140. OF THE DREADED, INTERNATIONAL CHINESE COMMUNIST CONSPIRACY.

141. YES, THESE FANATICAL FIENDS...

142. UNDER THE LEADERSHIP OF THE SO-CALLED MAO TSE-TUNG...

143. HAD CAUGHT MISS JOHNSON OFF GUARD

144. FOR ONE BRIEF, BUT FATAL MOMENT...

145. AND DESTROYED HER.

146. JUST AS THEY ARE READY TO DO ANY TIME FREE MEN ANYWHERE

147. WAVER IN THEIR DEFENSE OF DEMOCRACY.

148. YES, ONCE AGAIN, AMERICAN DEFENSE PROVES ITS EFFECTIVENESS

149. AGAINST INTERNATIONAL COMMUNISM.

150. USING THIS DIAGRAM OF A TOOTH TO REPRESENT ANY SMALL COUNTRY

151. WE CAN SEE HOW INTERNATIONAL COMMUNISM WORKS

152. BY ERODING AWAY FROM THE INSIDE.

153. WHEN ONE COUNTRY OR TOOTH FALLS VICTIM

154. TO INTERNATIONAL COMMUNISM, ITS NEIGHBORS SOON FOLLOW.

155. IN DENTISTRY, THIS IS KNOWN AS THE "DOMINO THEORY."

156. BUT WITH AMERICAN DEFENSE

157. THE DECAY IS STOPPED BEFORE IT STARTS.

158. AND THAT'S WHY NINE OUT OF TEN

159. SMALL COUNTRIES CHOOSE AMERICAN DEFENSE.

160. OR CRELM TOOTHPASTE

161. WITH THE MIRACLE INGREDIENT, FRAUDULIN.

162. THE WHITE CAR REPRESENTS CRELM TOOTHPASTE

163. WITH THE MIRACLE INGREDIENT.

164. THE NOT-WHITE CAR REPRESENTS

165. ANOTHER TOOTHPASTE.

166. BOTH TOOTHPASTES PROVIDE 3O% PROTECTION.

167. AT 6O% PROTECTION

168. BOTH TOOTHPASTES ARE DOING WELL.

169. AND NOW, AT 9O% PROTECTION, THE... WAIT!

170. THE NOT-WHITE CAR IS OUT.

171. AND CRELM TOOTHPASTE

172. GOES ON TO WIN WITH 100 PROTECTION.

173. YES, DO LIKE ALL SMARTMOTORISTS.

174. CHOOSE CRELM TOOTHPASTE OR SHRILL PETROL

175. WITH THE NEW ADDITIVE, GLC-9424075.

176. AFTER 6:00 P.M., 9424047.

177. USING THIS WHITE CARD TO REPRESENT ENGINE DEPOSITS

178. AND THIS BLACK CARD

179. TO REPRESENT SHRILL'S NEW ADDITIVE

180. GLC-9424075...

181. AFTER 6:00 P.M., 9424077...

182. WE CAN SEE HOW THE ENGINE DEPOSITS

183. ARE PUSHED OFF THE FACE OF THE EARTH

184. BY THE SUPERIOR FORCES AVAILABLE TO SHRILL...

185. ANYWAY, JOHN, YOU CAN CATCH THE 11:30 FROM HORNCHURCH

186. AND BE AT BASINGSTOKE BY 1:00.

187. OH, AND THERE'S A BUFFET CAR AND... OH.

188. DADDY.

189. MY HAT! SIR HORACE.

190. HAS HE BEEN?

191. YES, AFTER BREAKFAST.

192. BUT THAT DOESN'T MATTER NOW.

193. HE'S DEAD.

194. OH. POOR DADDY.

195. LOOKS LIKE I SHAN'T BE CATCHING THE 11:30 NOW.

196. OH, NO, JOHN

197. YOU MUSTN'T MISS YOUR TRAIN.

198. HOW COULD I THINK OF CATCHING A TRAIN

199. WHEN I SHOULD BE HERE HELPING YOU?

200. OH, JOHN, THANK YOU.

201. ANYWAY, YOU COULD ALWAYS CATCH THE 9:30 TOMORROW.

202. IT GOES VIA CATERHAM AND CHIPSTEAD.

203. OR THE 9:45'S EVEN BETTER.

204. OH, BUT YOU'D HAVE TO CHANGE AT LAMBS GREEN.

205. YES, BUT THERE'S ONLY A SEVEN-MINUTE WAIT NOW.

206. OH, YES, OF COURSE. I'D FORGOTTEN IT WAS FRIDAY.

207. OH, WHO COULD HAVE DONE THIS?

208. OH, DO HURRY, SIR HORACE.

209. YOUR TRAIN LEAVES IN 28 MINUTES

210. AND IF YOU DON'T MISS THE 10:15, YOU WON'T CATCH THE 3:45

211. WHICH MEANS THE... OH.

212. I'M AFRAID SIR HORACE WON'T

213. BE CATCHING THE 10:15, LADY PARTRIDGE.

214. HAS HE BEEN?

215. YES, AFTER BREAKFAST.

216. LADY PARTRIDGE

217. I'M AFRAID YOU CAN CANCEL HIS SEAT RESERVATION.

218. OH, AND IT WAS BACK TO THE ENGINE, FOURTH COACH ALONG

219. SO THAT HE COULD SEE

220. THE GRADIENT SIGNS OUTSIDE SWANBOROUGH.

221. NOT ANY MORE, LADY PARTRIDGE.

222. THE LINE'S BEEN CLOSED.

223. CLOSED? NOT SWANBOROUGH.

224. I'M AFRAID SO.

225. ALL RIGHT, NOBODY MOVE.

226. I'M INSPECTOR DAVIS OF SCOTLAND YARD.

227. MY WORD, YOU WERE HERE QUICKLY, INSPECTOR.

228. YEAH, I GOT THE 8:55 PULLMAN EXPRESS FROM KING'S CROSS

229. AND MISSED THAT BIT AROUND HORNCHURCH.

230. IT'S A VERY GOOD TRAIN.

231. IT'S A VERY GOOD TRAIN.

232. OH, IT'S AN EXCELLENT TRAIN.

233. HELLO, EVERYONE.

234. TONY!

235. WHERE IS DADDY?

236. OH, GOLLY.

237. HAS HE BEEN?

238. YES, AFTER BREAKFAST.

239. THEN, HE... WON'T BE NEEDING

240. HIS RESERVATION ON THE 10:15.

241. EXACTLY.

242. AND I SUPPOSE AS HIS ELDEST SON

243. IT MUST GO TO ME.

244. JUST A MINUTE, TONY.

245. THERE'S A SMALL MATTER OF... MURDER. OH!

246. OH, BUT SURELY HE SIMPLY SHOT HIMSELF AND THEN HID THE GUN.

247. HOW COULD ANYONE SHOOT HIMSELF AND THEN HIDE THE GUN

248. WITHOUT FIRST CANCELING HIS RESERVATION?

249. HA, HA. WELL, I MUST DASH OR I'LL BE LATE FOR THE 10:15.

250. I SUGGEST YOU MURDERED YOUR FATHER

251. FOR HIS SEAT RESERVATION.

252. I MAY HAVE HAD THE MOTIVE, INSPECTOR

253. BUT I COULD NOT HAVE DONE IT

254. FOR I'VE ONLY JUST ARRIVED FROM GILLINGHAM ON THE 8:13

255. AND HERE IS MY RESTAURANT CAR TICKET TO PROVE IT.

256. BUT THE 8:13 FROM GILLINGHAM

257. DOESN'T HAVE A RESTAURANT CAR.

258. IT'S A STANDING BUFFET ONLY.

259. OH, AH... DID I SAY THE 8:13?

260. I MEANT THE 7:58 STOPPING TRAIN.

261. BUT THE 7:58 STOPPING TRAIN ARRIVED AT SWINDON AT 8:19

262. OWING TO ANNUAL POINT MAINTENANCE

263. AT WISBOROUGH JUNCTION.

264. SO HOW DID YOU MAKE THE CONNECTION

265. WITH THE 8:13, WHICH LEFT SIX MINUTES EARLIER?

266. OH, AH, SIMPLE. I CAUGHT THE 7:16 FOOTBALL SPECIAL

267. ARRIVING AT SWINDON AT 8:09.

268. BUT THE 7:16 FOOTBALL SPECIAL

269. ONLY STOPS AT SWINDON ON ALTERNATE SATURDAYS.

270. YES, SURELY YOU MEAN THE HOLIDAYMAKER SPECIAL.

271. OH, YES! HOW DAFT OF ME.

272. OF COURSE, I CAME ON THE HOLIDAYMAKER SPECIAL

273. CALLING AT BEDFORD, COLMWORTH, FEN DITTON, SUTTON

274. WALLINGTON AND GILLINGHAM.

275. THAT'S SUNDAYS ONLY.

276. DAMN.

277. ALL RIGHT, I CONFESS. I DID IT.

278. I KILLED HIM FOR HIS RESERVATION

279. BUT YOU WON'T TAKE ME ALIVE.

280. I'M GOING TO THROW MYSELF UNDER THE 10:12 FROM READING.

281. DON'T BE A FOOL, TONY! DON'T DO IT!

282. THE 10:12 HAS THE NEW NARROW TRACTION BOGIES.

283. YOU WOULDN'T STAND A CHANCE.

284. EXACTLY.

285. THAT WAS AN EXCERPT FROM THE LATEST WEST END HIT

286. IT ALL HAPPENED ON THE 11:20 FROM HAINAULT TO REDHILL

287. VIA HORSHAM AND REIGATE, CALLING AT CARSHALTON BEECHES

288. MALMESBURY, TOOTING BEC AND CROYDON WEST.

289. THE AUTHOR IS MR. NEVILLE SHUNT.

290. CHUFF, CHUFF, CHUFF, WOOOOOCH, WOOOOOCH!

291. DIDDLEDUM, DIDDLEDUM, DIDDLEDUM. TOOT! TOOT!

292. THE TRAIN IS NOW STANDING

293. AT PLATFORM EIGHT, TCH, TCH, TCH.

294. DIDDLEDUM, DIDDLEDUM, CHUFFFF CHUFFFFFFFF...

295. EEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAA VOOOOOMMMMM!

296. SOME PEOPLE HAVE MADE THE MISTAKE

297. OF SEEING SHUNT'S WORK AS A LOAD OF RUBBISH

298. ABOUT RAILWAY TIMETABLES

299. BUT CLEVER PEOPLE LIKE ME

300. WHO TALK LOUDLY IN RESTAURANTS

301. SEE THIS AS A DELIBERATE AMBIGUITY

302. A PLEA FOR UNDERSTANDING IN A MECHANIZED WORLD.

303. THE POINTS ARE FROZEN, THE BEAST IS DEAD.

304. WHAT IS THE DIFFERENCE?

305. WHAT, INDEED, IS THE POINT?

306. THE POINT IS FROZEN.

307. THE BEAST IS LATE OUT OF PADDINGTON.

308. THE POINT IS TAKEN.

309. IF LA FONTAINE'S ELK WOULD SPURN TOM JONES

310. THE ENGINE MUST BE OUR HEAD, THE DINING CAR OUR ESOPHAGUS

311. THE GUARD'S VAN OUR LEFT LUNG, THE CATTLE TRUCK OUR SHINS

312. THE FIRST-CLASS COMPARTMENT

313. THE PIECE OF SKIN AT THE NAPE OF THE NECK

314. AND THE LEVEL CROSSING AN ELECTRIC ELK CALLED SIMON.

315. THE CLARITY IS DEVASTATING, BUT WHERE IS THE AMBIGUITY?

316. IT'S OVER THERE IN A BOX.

317. SHUNT IS SAYING THE 8:15 FROM GILLINGHAM

318. WHEN IN REALITY, HE MEANS THE 8:13 FROM GILLINGHAM.

319. THE TRAIN IS THE SAME, ONLY THE TIME IS ALTERED.

320. ECCE HOMO, ERGO ELK.

321. LA FONTAINE KNEW HIS SISTER AND KNEW HER BLOODY WELL.

322. THE POINT IS TAKEN. THE BEAST IS MOLTING.

323. THE FLUFF GETS UP YOUR NOSE.

324. THE ILLUSION IS COMPLETE.

325. IT IS REALITY, THE REALITY IS ILLUSION

326. AND THE AMBIGUITY IS THE ONLY TRUTH

327. BUT IS THE TRUTH, AS HITCHCOCK OBSERVES, IN THE BOX?

328. NO, THERE ISN'T ROOM... THE AMBIGUITY HAS PUT ON WEIGHT.

329. THE POINT IS TAKEN, THE ELK IS DEAD.

330. THE BEAST STOPS AT SWINDON, CHABROL STOPS AT NOTHING

331. I'M HAVING TREATMENT, AND LA FONTAINE CAN GET KNOTTED.

332. GAVIN MILLAR...

333. RRRRRRRRRRR.

334. WAS NOT TALKING TO NEVILLE SHUNT.

335. FROM THE WORLD OF THE THEATER

336. WE TURN TO THE WORLD OF DENTAL HYGIENE.

337. NO, NO, NO, NO.

338. FROM THE WORLD OF THE THEATER WE TURN TO THE SILVER SCREEN.

339. WE HONOR ONE OF THE SILVER SCREEN'S

340. OUTSTANDING WRITER-DENTISTS, UH, WRITER-DIRECTORS

341. MARTIN CURRY, WHO IS VISITING LONDON

342. TO HAVE A TOOTH OUT, FOR THE PRE-MOLAR, UH, PREMIERE

343. OF HIS FILLING, FILM, NEXT TOOTHDAY, TUESDA Y

344. AT THE DENTAL THEATRE, FILM THEATRE.

345. MARTIN CURRY, TALKING TO MATTHEW PALATE, PADGET.

346. MARTIN CURRY, WELCOME.

347. ONE OF THE BIG TEETH, UH, BIG POINTS

348. THAT THE AMERICAN CRITICS MADE

349. ABOUT YOUR LATEST FILM, THE TWELVE CAESARS

350. WAS THAT IT WAS ON SO ALL-EMBRACING A TOPIC.

351. WHAT MADE YOU UNDERTAKE SO ENORMOUS A TUSK?

352. TASK?

353. I'VE ALWAYS BEEN INTERESTED IN IMPERIAL ROME

354. RIGHT FROM JULIUS CAESAR

355. RIGHT THROUGH TO VETHPATHIAN.

356. WHO?

357. VETHPATHIAN.

358. OH. VESPASIAN.

359. YES, YES.

360. WELL, WHEN I SAW YOUR FILM

361. IT DID SEEM TO ME THAT YOU HAD TAKEN

362. A RATHER, UM, SUBJECTIVE APPROACH TO IT.

363. I'M SORRY?

364. WELL, I MEAN ALL YOUR MAIN CHARACTERS

365. HAD THESE ENORMOUS, WELL, NOT ENORMOUS, BUT, UH...

366. THESE, UM, VERY BIG, UM...

367. WELL, LET'S HAVE A LOOK AT A CLIP

368. IN WHICH JULIUS INCISOR, CAESAR

369. TALKS TO HIS GENERALS DURING THE BATTLE AGAINST CARACTATUS.

370. I DON'T SEE THAT AT ALL.

371. SHALL I ORDER THE CAVALRY

372. THAT THEY MAY HIDE THEMSELVES IN THE WOOD, O CAESAR?

373. THUS, O CAESAR! THUS, O CAESAR!

374. TODAY IS ABOUT TO BE A TRIUMPH FOR OUR NATIVE COUNTRY.

375. WELL, MARTIN CURRY, WHY DO ALL YOUR CHARACTERS

376. HAVE THESE VERY BIG, UM...

377. VERY BIG, UH... TEETH?

378. WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

379. WELL, I MEAN, UH... EVEN

380. IN YOUR BIBLICAL EPIC, THE SON OF MAN

381. JOHN THE BAPTIST HAD THE MOST ENORMOUS... DENTAL APPENDAGES

382. AND OF COURSE, UM... HIMSELF HAD THE MOST MONUMENTAL IVORIES.

383. WELL, I'M AFRAID I DON'T SEE THAT AT ALL.

384. UM. WELL, WHILE WE'RE WAITING...

385. LOOK, COULD I HAVE A STRAW?

386. OH, A STRAW. YES, YES.

387. WELL, WHILE WE'RE DOING THAT, UH...

388. PERHAPS WE COULD HAVE A LOOK

389. AT AN EARLIER FILM, TRAFALGAR.

390. COVER MY COAT, MR. BUSH.

391. THE MEN MUST NOT KNOW OF THIS TILL VICTORY IS OURS.

392. THE SURGEON'S COMING, SIR.

393. NO, TELL THE SURGEON

394. TO ATTEND THE MEN THAT CAN BE SAVED.

395. HE CAN DO LITTLE FOR ME, I FEAR.

396. AYE, AYE, SIR.

397. HARDY!

398. HARDY!

399. SIR?

400. HARDY... KISS...

401. ER, PUT YOUR HAND ON MY THIGH.

402. HUH. WELL, MARTIN CURRY, THANK YOU.

403. UH... WELL, WE ASKED THE FIRST-NIGHT AUDIENCE

404. WHAT THEY THOUGHT OF THAT FILM.

405. IT WASN'T TRUE TO LIFE.

406. YES, IT WAS.

407. NO, IT WASN'T.

408. I THOUGHT IT WAS TOTALLY BIZARRE.

409. WELL, I'VE BEEN IN THE CITY FOR OVER 40 YEARS

410. AND I THINK THE IMPORTANCE OF LOOKING AFTER POOR PEOPLE

411. CANNOT BE UNDERSTRESSED.

412. WELL, I'VE BEEN IN THE CITY FOR 20 YEARS

413. AND I MUST ADMIT, I'M LOST.

414. Well, I've been in the city all my life

415. and I'm as alert and active as I've ever been.

416. WELL, I'VE BEEN IN THE CITY SINCE I WAS TWO

417. AND CERTAINLY WOULDN'T SAY THAT I WAS STUCK IN A RUT...

418. STUCK IN A RUT, STUCK IN A RUT.

419. STUCK IN A RUT, STUCK IN A RUT.

420. OH, DEAR

421. MR. BULSTRODE'S STUCK AGAIN.

422. STUCK IN A RUT.

423. I CERTAINLY WOULDN'T SAY

424. THAT I WAS STUCK IN A RUT.

425. WELL, I HAVE BEEN IN THE CITY FOR 30 YEARS

426. AND I NEVER ONCE REGRETTED BEING A NASTY, GREEDY, COLD-HEARTED

427. AVARICIOUS, MONEY-GRUBBER... CONSERVATIVE.

428. WELL, I'VE BEEN IN THE CITY ABOUT 27 YEARS

429. AND I'D LIKE TO SEE THE REINTRODUCTION OF FLOGGING.

430. EVERY THURSDAY, ROUND AT MY PLACE.

431. WELL, I'VE BEEN IN THE SEA FOR 33 YEARS

432. AND I'VE NEVER REGRETTED IT.

433. NEITHER HAVE I.

434. NEITHER HAVE I.

435. YES, QUITE SO.

436. I THINK IT MUST BE A NATURALIST OUTING.

437. NO, I THINK IT MUST BE

438. ONE OF THEM CRACKPOT RELIGIONS.

439. THIS IS AN EXAMPLE OF THE SORT OF ABUSE

440. WE GET ALL THE TIME FROM IGNORANT PEOPLE.

441. I INHERITED THIS RELIGION FROM MY FATHER

442. AN EX-USED CAR SALESMAN AND PART-TIME WINDOW BOX

443. AND I AM VERY PROUD TO BE IN CHARGE OF THE FIRST RELIGION

444. WITH FREE GIFTS.

445. YOU GET THIS LUXURY TEA TROLLEY WITH EVERY NEW ENROLLMENT.

446. IN ADDITION TO THIS, YOU CAN WIN

447. A THREE-PIECE LOUNGE SUITE

448. THIS LUXURY CARAVAN

449. A WEEKEND FOR TWO WITH PETER BONETTI

450. THE ENTIRE NORWICH CITY COUNCIL.

451. AND REMEMBER, WITH ONLY EIGHT SCORING DRAWS

452. YOU CAN WIN A BISHOPRIC IN A SEE OF YOUR OWN CHOICE.

453. YOU SEE, WE HAVE A MUCH MORE MODERN APPROACH TO RELIGION.

454. BLESSED IS ARTHUR CRACKPOT AND ALL ITS SUBSIDIARIES, LIMITED.

455. YOU SEE, IN OUR CHURCH, WE HAVE A LOT MORE FUN.

456. OH, MRS. COLLINS

457. YOU DID SAY YOU WERE NERVOUS, DIDN'T YOU?

458. YOU HAVE EYES ON THE COFFEE MACHINE?

459. I DON'T MIND, I DON'T MIND.

460. IT'S JUST NICE TO BE HERE, REVEREND.

461. ARCHDEACON.

462. WELL, YOU HAVE EYES FOR THE COFFEE MACHINE

463. SO LET'S SEE WHAT YOU'VE WON.

464. YOU CHOSE HYMN 437.

465. OH, MRS. COLLINS.

466. YOU HAD EYES ON THE COFFEE MACHINE.

467. WELL, YOU HAVE WON

468. THE ENTIRE NORWICH CITY COUNCIL!

469. I'VE GOT ONE ALREADY.

470. A LOT OF RELIGIONS... NO NAMES, NO PACK DRILL...

471. DO GO FOR THE POORER TYPE OF PERSON.

472. THERE'S MORE OF THEM... POOR PEOPLE, THIEVES, VILLAINS

473. POOR PEOPLE WITHOUT NO MONEY AT ALL.

474. WELL, WE DON'T HAVE NONE OF THAT TAT.

475. RICH PEOPLE AND CRUMPET OVER 16 CAN ENTER FREE

476. QUITE WELCOME

477. NOT UNDER FIVE GRAND A YEAR

478. I CAN'T TOUCH IT.

479. THERE'S NO RETURN ON IT, YOU SEE.

480. DO YOU HAVE ANY DIFFICULTY CONVERTING PEOPLE?

481. UH, NO. WELL, WE HAVE WAYS OF MAKING THEM JOIN.

482. NORMAN, THERE, DOES A LOT OF CONVERTING

483. A LOT OF PROTECTION, THAT SORT OF THING.

484. AND THERE'S HIS MATE, BRUCE BEER.

485. BRUCY HAS PERSONALLY CONVERTED 92 PEOPLE

486. 25 INSIDE THE DISTANCE.

487. THEN AGAIN, WE'RE NOT AFRAID TO USE MORE MODERN METHODS.

488. SARAH, TODAY'S DIOCESAN LOVELY

489. IS ENOUGH TO MAKE ANY CHAP GO DOWN ON HIS KNEES.

490. THIS 23-YEAR-OLD BISHOP HAILS, APPROPRIATELY ENOUGH

491. FROM BISHOP'S STORTFORD

492. AND LISTS HER HOBBIES AS SWIMMING, RIDING

493. AND FILM PRODUCERS.

494. WHAT A GAS!

495. BET SHE'S NO NOVICE

496. WHEN IT COMES TO CONVERTING ALL IN HER SEE.

497. BASICALLY...

498. I BELIEVE... IN PEACE

499. AND BASHING TWO BRICKS TOGETHER.

500. I'M STARTING A WAR FOR PEACE.

501. COR BLIMEY!

502. I'M RAISING POLECATS FOR PEACE.

503. PEACE? I LIKE A PEACE.

504. KNOW WHAT I MEAN? KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

505. SAY NO MORE. NUDGE, NUDGE.

506. OUR RELIGION IS THE FIRST CHURCH

507. TO CATER FOR THE NAUGHTY TYPE OF PERSON.

508. IF YOU'D LIKE A BIT OF LOVE-YOUR-NEIGHBOR...

509. AND WHO DOESN'T NOW AND AGAIN...

510. THEN SEE VERA AND CICELEY DURING THE HYMNS.

511. IN OUR CHURCH, WE TRY TO HELP PEOPLE TO HELP THEMSELVES

512. TO CARS, WASHING MACHINES, LEAD PIPING...

513. NO QUESTIONS ASKED.

514. WE'RE THE ONLY CHURCH, APART FROM THE BAPTISTS

515. TO DO RE-SPRAY JOBS.

516. WE IN THE CHURCH OF THE DIVINE LOONY

517. BELIEVE IN THE POWER OF PRAYER TO TURN THE HEAD PURPLE.

518. I WOULD LIKE TO COME IN HERE FOR A MOMENT, IF I MAY

519. AND DISASSOCIATE OUR CHURCH

520. FROM THESE FRIVOLOUS AND OFFENSIVE RELIGIONS.

521. WE ARE PRIMARILY CONCERNED WITH WHAT IS BEST...

522. HELLO?

523. OH, WELL, HOW ABOUT ALLIED BREWERIES?

524. ALL RIGHT, BUT KEEP THE RIO TINTO.

525. FOR THE HUMAN SOUL.

526. IN OUR CHURCH, WE BELIEVE, FIRST AND FOREMOST, IN YOU.

527. WE WANT YOU TO THINK OF US AS YOUR FRIEND.

528. IN THIS PICTURE, THERE ARE 40 PEOPLE.

529. NONE OF THEM CAN BE SEEN.

530. IN THIS FILM, WE HOPE TO SHOW YOU HOW NOT TO BE SEEN.

531. THIS IS MR. E.R. BRADSHAW OF NAPIER COURT

532. BLACK LION ROAD, SE5.

533. HE CANNOT BE SEEN.

534. NOW, I'M GOING TO ASK HIM TO STAND UP.

535. MR. BRADSHAW, WILL YOU STAND UP, PLEASE?

536. THIS DEMONSTRATES THE VALUE OF NOT BEING SEEN.

537. IN THIS PICTURE, WE CANNOT SEE

538. MRS. B.J. SMEGMA OF 13, THE CRESCENT, BELMONT.

539. MRS. SMEGMA, WILL YOU STAND UP, PLEASE?

540. THIS IS MR. NESBITT OF HARLOW, NEW TOWN.

541. MR. NESBITT, WOULD YOU STAND UP, PLEASE?

542. MR. NESBITT HAS LEARNT THE FIRST LESSON OF NOT BEING SEEN...

543. NOT TO STAND UP.

544. HOWEVER, HE HAS CHOSEN A VERY OBVIOUS PIECE OF COVER.

545. MR. E.V. LAMBERT OF HOMELEIGH, THE BURROWS, OSWESTRY

546. HAS PRESENTED US WITH A POSER.

547. WE DO NOT KNOW WHICH BUSH HE IS BEHIND

548. BUT WE CAN SOON FIND OUT.

549. YES, IT WAS THE MIDDLE ONE.

550. MR. KEN ANDREWS OF LEIGHTON ROAD, SLOUGH

551. HAS CONCEALED HIMSELF EXTREMELY WELL.

552. HE COULD BE ALMOST ANYWHERE.

553. HE COULD BE BEHIND THE WALL, INSIDE THE WATER BARREL

554. BENEATH A PILE OF LEAVES, UP IN THE TREE

555. SQUATTING DOWN BEHIND THE CAR, CONCEALED IN A HOLLOW

556. OR CROUCHED BEHIND ANY ONE OF A HUNDRED BUSHES.

557. HOWEVER, WE HAPPEN TO KNOW HE'S IN THE WATER BARREL.

558. MR. AND MRS. WATSON OF IVY COTTAGE, WORPLESDON ROAD, HULL

559. CHOSE A VERY CUNNING WAY OF NOT BEING SEEN.

560. WHEN WE CALLED AT THEIR HOUSE

561. WE FOUND THEY HAD GONE AWAY ON TWO WEEKS' HOLIDAY.

562. THEY HAD NOT LEFT ANY FORWARDING ADDRESS

563. AND THEY HAD BOLTED AND BARRED THE HOUSE

564. TO PREVENT US GETTING IN.

565. HOWEVER, A NEIGHBOR TOLD US WHERE THEY WERE.

566. AND HERE IS THE NEIGHBOR WHO TOLD US WHERE THEY WERE.

567. NOBODY LIKES A CLEVER DICK.

568. AND THIS IS WHERE HE LIVED.

569. AND THIS IS WHERE LORD LANGDON LIVED

570. WHO REFUSED TO SPEAK TO US...

571. AND SO DID THE GENTLEMAN

572. WHO LIVED HERE...

573. AND HERE...

574. AND, OF COURSE, HERE

575. AND MANCHESTER

576. AND THE WEST MIDLANDS

577. SPAIN...

578. CHINA...

579. AH. WELL, I'M AFRAID WE HAVE TO STOP THE FILM THERE

580. AS SOME OF THE SCENES WHICH FOLLOWED

581. WERE OF A VIOLENT NATURE

582. WHICH MIGHT PROVE DISTRESSING TO SOME OF OUR VIEWERS

583. THOUGH NOT TO ME, I CAN TELL YOU.

584. IN NOVA SCOTIA TODAY

585. MR. ROY BENT OF NORTH WALSHAM IN NORFOLK

586. BECAME THE FIRST MAN TO CROSS THE ATLANTIC ON A TRICYCLE.

587. HIS TRICYCLE, SPECIALLY ADAPTED FOR THE CROSSING

588. WAS 90-FOOT LONG WITH A PROTECTIVE STEEL HULL

589. THREE FUNNELS, 17 FIRST-CLASS CABINS

590. AND A RADAR SCANNER.

591. MR. BENT IS IN OUR DURHAM STUDIOS

592. WHICH IS RATHER UNFORTUNATE

593. AS WE'RE ALL DOWN HERE IN LONDON.

594. AND IN LONDON...

595. IN LONDON, I HAVE WITH ME MR. LUDOVIC GRAYSON

596. THE MAN WHO SCORED ALL SIX GOALS IN ARSENAL'S 1-NIL VICTORY

597. OVER THE TURKISH CHAMPIONS FC BOTTY.

598. LUDOVIC, FIRST OF ALL, CONGRATULATIONS ON THE VICTORY.

599. THANK YOU, DAVID.

600. IT SHOULD SEND YOU BACK TO BOTTY

601. WITH A BIG LEAD.

602. OH, YES. WELL, WE'RE FAIRLY CONFIDENT, DAVID.

603. WELL, AT THE MOMENT, LUDOVIC

604. YOU'RE CROUCHING DOWN INSIDE A FILING CABINET.

605. YES, THAT'S RIGHT, DAVID.

606. I'M TRYING NOT TO BE SEEN.

607. I SEE. IS THIS THROUGH FEAR?

608. OH, NO, NO. IT'S COMMON SENSE, REALLY.

609. IF THEY CAN'T SEE YOU, THEY CAN'T GET YOU.

610. HA, HA, HA, BUT, OF COURSE, THEY CAN STILL HEAR YOU.

611. HUH?

612. LUDOVIC GRAYSON, THANK YOU VERY MUCH

613. FOR COMING ON THE PROGRAM TONIGHT.

614. AND WE END THE SHOW WITH MUSIC

615. AND HERE WITH THEIR

616. "YUMMY, YUMMY, YUMMY, I'VE GOT LOVE IN MY TUMMY"

617. JACKIE CHARLTON AND THE TONETTES.

618. FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO MAY HAVE JUST MISSED

619. MONTY PYTHON'S FLYING CIRCUS

620. HERE IT IS AGAIN.