Monty Python's Flying Circus 2x10

Directed by Ian MacNaughton

Featuring a special report into the shooting of Scott of the Antarctic, from Paignton. Also, a man tries to purchase a fish licence.

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1. FROM JEAN KENNETH LONGUEUR'S NEW MOVIE LE FROMAGE GRAND.

2. IN THIS EXCITING NEW FILM.

3. LONGUEUR IS SAYING TO US,

4. "GO ON, PROTEST,

5. ASSAULT THE MANAGER, DEMAND YOUR MONEY BACK."

6. LATER ON IN THE FILM, IN A

7. ON YET ANOTHER RUBBISH DUMP.

8. WHO IS SAYING, OF COURSE, THAT ULTIMATELY MATERIALISM...

9. IN THIS CASE, THE WEBB'S WONDER LETTUCE...

10. MUST DESTROY US ALL.

11. THAT WAS FOR O. SIMON, K. SIMON, P. SIMON

12. AND R. SPARROW OF LEICESTER.

13. LATER ON, WE'RE GOING

14. AT JOHN WAYNE'S LATEST MOVIE

15. OUT OF PEOPLE'S HEADS

16. BUT NOW WE LOOK AHEAD.

17. ON TUESDAY, CHRIS CONGER

18. WHERE 20th CENTURY VOLE

19. SCOTT OF THE ANTARCTIC.

20. SEA, SAND AND SUNSHINE

21. OF THE ENGLISH RIVIERA.

22. WELL, FOR THE NEXT SIX MONTHS,

23. OF THE SOUTH POLE.

24. FOR TODAY, SHOOTING STARTS ON

25. PRODUCED BY JERRY SCHLICK.

26. HELLO.

27. JERRY, YOU CHOSE PAIGNTON AS THE LOCATION FOR SCOTT.

28. RIGHT, RIGHT.

29. ISN'T IT A BIT

30. THAT THERE'S NO SNOW HERE?

31. WELL, WE HAVE

32. 28,000 CUBIC FEET

33. AND 1,600 CUBIC U.S. FURLONGS

34. WITH A SPECIAL SNOW FINISH.

35. IS PLAYING THE TITLE ROLE.

36. THAT IS CORRECT.

37. CAN PICK AND CHOOSE,

38. AND JUST FLIPPED.

39. AND DIRECTING,

40. YOUNG BRITISH DIRECTOR, McRETTIN

41. WHO'S BEEN

42. ON THE SCREENPLAY, OF COURSE.

43. JIMMY.

44. OH, THERE YOU ARE.

45. HELLO. HELLO. NO PROBLEM.

46. HAVE A DRINK. HAVE A DRINK.

47. OH, GREAT. HELLO. MARVELOUS.

48. MARVELOUS. HELLO.

49. REWRITE.

50. OH, THIS IS REALLY GREAT.

51. I MEAN, IT'S REALLY SAYING SOMETHING, DON'T YOU THINK?

52. SHOOTING YET?

53. YES, YES.

54. GREAT. PERFECT.

55. NO, NO, WE HAVEN'T STARTED YET. NO.

56. BUT GREAT, GREAT.

57. THAT YOU SHOOT THIS MORNING?

58. GREAT. PERFECT.

59. OH, IT'S GREAT. NO PROBLEM.

60. WE'LL SORT IT OUT ON THE FLOOR.

61. ON THE FLOOR.

62. NO PROBLEM.

63. OF OUR SOCIETY'S

64. ROLLING AROUND IN AGONY.

65. HAVE A DRINK. HAVE A DRINK.

66. SHOOTING FIRST, JIMMY?

67. YES.

68. GREAT.

69. OH, MARVELOUS.

70. WE SHOOTING FIRST?

71. WHAT? IT'S SCENE ONE.

72. SCENE ONE. SCENE ONE.

73. IT'S IN THE MIDDLE OF THE MOVIE.

74. WELL, IT IS NOW.

75. I REWROTE IT.

76. I THOUGHT WE CUT THAT.

77. DID WE CUT?

78. NO, WE DIDN'T.

79. WE DIDN'T?

80. OH, GREAT. THAT'S EVEN BETTER.

81. I'LL PUT IT BACK IN. UH... REWRITE.

82. SCENE ONE'S BACK IN, EVERYONE.

83. SCENE ONE'S BACK IN. GREAT. GREAT.

84. OUTSIDE THE TENT.

85. IT'S ALL BLOODY MARVELOUS.

86. TO THROW UP.

87. NOW, IN THIS SCENE

88. WITH THE REST OF HIS TEAM.

89. THE U.S. NAVY

90. AND BOWERS, PLAYED

91. POLE-VAULTER.

92. HI, LIEUTENANT.

93. HI, OATESY.

94. ALREADY.

95. GREAT! GREAT!

96. WHAT... WHAT-WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?

97. I WAS JUST SAYING, "GREAT! GREAT!"

98. CUE EVANS.

99. HOARE AS MISS EVANS.

100. MISS EVANS?

101. RIGHT.

102. GOOD MORNING, MISS EVANS.

103. OH... I'VE FORGOTTEN MY LINE.

104. UH, WHAT'S HER LINE?

105. WHAT'S HER LINE?

106. "GOOD MORNING, CAPTAIN SCOTT."

107. OH, YEAH.

108. GOOD... MORNING, CAP... CA...

109. OH, I'M JUST NOT REALLY VERY HAPPY WITH THAT LINE.

110. COULD I JUST SAY, "HI, SCOTTIE"?

111. GREAT! GREAT! REWRITE!

112. CUE!

113. HI, SCARRIE.

114. OH... SORRY.

115. HI, STOCKY.

116. OH... I'M SORRY AGAIN.

117. OH, JIM, I'M JUST NOT HAPPY WITH THIS LINE.

118. HEY, CAN I DO IT ALL SORT OF... KOOKY, LIKE THIS?

119. HI, SCOTTY!

120. GREAT! WE'LL SHOOT IT!

121. THAT'S RIGHT?

122. AH, IT'S GREAT!

123. JIM...

124. JIM! JIM!

125. JI... OH, ME.

126. NOW, JIM, I FEEL WE MAY BE

127. IN THE AREA OF HEIGHT.

128. GREAT, WHERE ARE THEY?

129. WHERE ARE WHO?

130. I DON'T KNOW.

131. I WAS GETTING CONFUSED.

132. JIM... GREAT.

133. IN THE AREA OF HEIGHT,

134. TOO SHORT AT THIS TIME.

135. GREAT.

136. OH, I KNOW! I'M GOING

137. AND PUT A BOX IN VANILLA'S TRENCH.

138. SAY, WHY DON'T I TAKE

139. OUT OF THE TRENCH?

140. IT WOULDN'T WORK.

141. IT'S EVEN BETTER!

142. GREAT! REWRITE!

143. WHAT WAS THAT?

144. OH, IT'S EASY!

145. I'VE WORKED IT OUT.

146. UH, SCOTT TAKES

147. AND YOU DON'T STAND IN THE TRENCH.

148. OUT OF THE TRENCH?

149. EVEN BETTER. GREAT.

150. BUT I'VE NEVER ACTED OUT OF A TRENCH.

151. I MIGHT FALL OVER.

152. IT'S DANGEROUS.

153. OH, WELL, COULD YOU JUST TRY IT?

154. LOOK, YOU CRUMB BUM...

155. I'M A STAR.

156. STAR, STAR, STAR.

157. I DON'T GET A MILLION DOLLARS TO ACT OUT OF A TRENCH.

158. FLEMING IN A FURROW.

159. WELL, YOU JUST GET YOURSELF A GODDAMN STUNTMAN! HUH!

160. IN A GROOVE...

161. MRS. JESUS CHRIST

162. SO DON'T TELL ME HOW TO ACT.

163. I KNOW HOW TO ACT.

164. I DON'T HAVE TO ACT...

165. GREAT. UH, GREAT, GREAT, EVERYONE.

166. UH, LUNCH NOW. LUNCH.

167. IT'S ALL IN THE CAN.

168. GOOD MORNING'S WORK.

169. BUT YOU HAVEN'T DONE A SHOT.

170. JUST KEEPING MORALE UP.

171. NOW, THIS AFTERNOON

172. WE'RE GOING TO SHOOT THE SCENE

173. WHERE SCOTT GETS OFF THE BOAT,

174. IN SLOW MOTION.

175. BUT THERE AREN'T ANY LIONS IN THE ANTARCTIC.

176. WHAT?

177. THERE AREN'T ANY LIONS IN THE ANTARCTIC.

178. YOU'RE RIGHT. THERE ARE NO LIONS IN THE ANTARCTIC.

179. THAT'S RIDICULOUS!

180. IN THE ANTARCTIC?

181. RIGHT, LOSE THE LION.

182. GOT TO KEEP THE LION. IT'S GREAT!

183. LOSE THE LION.

184. GREAT! WE'RE LOSING THE LION. REWRITE!

185. LOSE THE LION, EVERYONE.

186. THAT'S FANTASTIC!

187. WHAT'S THIS ABOUT, UH, LOSING THE LION?

188. UH, WELL, KIRK, WE THOUGHT PERHAPS WE MIGHT, UH...

189. A LITTLE BIT, KIRK, ANGEL.

190. WHY?

191. OH, WELL, KIRKIE, DOLL

192. IN THE ANTARCTIC, BABY.

193. THE LION!

194. IT'D BE SILLY.

195. LISTEN! I GOT TO FIGHT THE LION!

196. THAT'S WHAT THAT GUY SCOTT'S ALL ABOUT.

197. I KNOW... I STUDIED HIM ALREADY.

198. BUT WHY COULDN'T YOU FIGHT A PENGUIN?

199. GREAT!

200. FIGHT A ROTTEN, LITTLE PENGUIN?

201. IT NEEDN'T BE A LITTLE PENGUIN.

202. YOU'VE EVER SEEN.

203. AN ELECTRIC PENGUIN, 20 FEET HIGH

204. WITH LONG, GREEN TENTACLES

205. CAN GO SPURTING...

206. PSSSSSHHH IN SLOW MOTION.

207. IN THE CONTRACT.

208. HE FIGHTS THE LION.

209. EVEN BETTER! GREAT!

210. HAVE A DRINK.

211. HEY, LOSE THE PENGUIN.

212. STAND BY TO SHOOT.

213. WHERE DO THEY HAVE LIONS?

214. AFRICA.

215. THAT'S IT! SCOTT'S IN AFRICA.

216. AS MANY LIONS AS WE NEED.

217. GREAT!

218. NO ONE ELSE KNOWS ABOUT.

219. THAT TIES IN WITH THE SAND.

220. RIGHT. PAINT THE SAND YELLOW AGAIN.

221. OKAY, LET'S GET THIS SHOW ON THE ROAD.

222. SCOTT OF THE SAHARA.

223. SHOCKED A GENERATION.

224. OF THREE PEOPLE AND A WOMAN,

225. AND FOUND... THEMSELVES.

226. SEE LIEUTENANT SCOTT'S

227. WITH A CRAZED DESERT LION.

228. SEE ENSIGN OATES'

229. GIANT ELECTRIC PENGUIN...

230. ROLLTOP WRITING DESK.

231. COMPLETELY DIFFERENT.

232. IT'S...

233. MONTY PYTHON'S FLYING CIRCUS.

234. AND NOW, TIRED OF THE SOUNDS OF DANCING FEET?

235. OF DANCING TEETH.

236. YES, BROTHERS, IT'S TIME ONCE AGAIN

237. AND HIS DANCING TEETH.

238. EXCUSE ME, I'D LIKE TO MAKE A CORRECTION.

239. CONRAD IS, IN FACT, HOLDING A LETTER, NOT A TELEGRAM.

240. THANK YOU.

241. A LETTER. A LETTER.

242. FIVE PENCE, PLEASE.

243. EXCUSE ME.

244. A FISH LICENCE, PLEASE.

245. THE MAN'S SIGN MUST BE WRONG.

246. CARRIED OUT BENEATH.

247. BUT SOFT, LET US SEE

248. UPON MY NEXT POSTAL ADVENTURE.

249. HELLO. I WOULD LIKE TO BUY A FISH LICENCE, PLEASE.

250. A WHAT?

251. MY PET FISH ERIC.

252. MY NAME WAS ERIC?

253. OH, NO, NO, NO.

254. MY FISH'S NAME IS ERIC. ERIC THE FISH.

255. HE'S AN 'ALIBUT.

256. HE'S A WHAT?

257. HE IS AN HALIBUT.

258. YOU'VE GOT A PET HALIBUT?

259. YES. I CHOSE HIM OUT OF THOUSANDS.

260. DIDN'T LIKE THE OTHERS.

261. THEY WERE ALL TOO FLAT.

262. YOU'RE A LOONY.

263. I AM NOT A LOONY!

264. WITH THE EPITHET "LOONY"

265. I HAVE A PET HALIBUT?

266. I'VE HEARD TELL

267. AND YOU WOULDN'T CALL SIR GERALD A LOONY, WOULD YOU?

268. DAWN PALETHORPE,

269. AFTER THE LATE CHANCELLOR.

270. ALAN BULLOCK HAS TWO PIKES,

271. HAD AN 'ADDOCK!

272. IF YOU'RE CALLING THE AUTHOR

273. A LOONY, I SHALL HAVE TO ASK YOU TO STEP OUTSIDE!

274. ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.

275. YOU WANT A LICENCE?

276. YES.

277. FOR A FISH?

278. YES.

279. YOU ARE A LOONY.

280. LOOK, IT'S A BLEEDIN' PET, ISN'T IT?

281. I'VE GOT A LICENCE

282. FOR ME PET CAT ERIC.

283. YOU DON'T NEED A LICENCE FOR A CAT.

284. YOU BLEEDIN' WELL DO, AND I'VE GOT ONE.

285. HO-HO, YOU'RE NOT CATCHING ME OUT THERE.

286. AS A BLOODY CAT LICENCE.

287. YES, THERE IS.

288. NO, THERE ISN'T.

289. IS.

290. ISN'T.

291. IS.

292. ISN'T.

293. UH-HUH. IS.

294. ISN'T.

295. IS.

296. ISN'T.

297. IS.

298. ISN'T.

299. IS!

300. ISN'T.

301. WHAT'S THAT, THEN?

302. THE WORD "DOG" CROSSED OUT

303. AND THE WORD "CAT" WRITTEN IN IN CRAYON.

304. WELL, THE MAN DIDN'T HAVE THE PROPER FORM.

305. WHAT MAN?

306. THE CAT DETECTOR VAN.

307. "LOONY DETECTIVE VAN" YOU MEAN.

308. IT'S PEOPLE LIKE YOU WHAT CAUSES UNREST.

309. ALL RIGHT, WHAT CAT DETECTOR VAN?

310. FROM THE MINISTRY OF HOUSINGE.

311. HOUSINGE?

312. YES. IT WAS SPELT THAT WAY ON THE VAN.

313. I'M VERY OBSERVANT.

314. I'VE NEVER SEEN SO MANY AERIALS IN ME LIFE.

315. AT 400 YARDS.

316. AND ERIC, BEING SUCH A HAPPY CAT, WAS A PIECE OF CAKE.

317. HOW MUCH DID THIS COST?

318. 60 QUID AND EIGHT GUINEAS FOR THE FRUIT BAT.

319. WHAT FRUIT BAT?

320. ERIC THE FRUIT BAT.

321. ARE ALL YOUR PETS CALLED ERIC?

322. THERE'S NOTHING SO ODD ABOUT THAT.

323. MENAGERIE ALL CALLED ABDUL.

324. NO, HE DIDN'T.

325. DID, DID, DID, DID, DID, DID, DID, INDEED.

326. THERE YOU ARE.

327. BY E.W. SWANTON

328. BY PAUL ANKA.

329. PAGE 91, PLEASE.

330. I OWE YOU AN APOLOGY, SIR.

331. SPOKEN LIKE A GENTLEMAN.

332. NOW, ARE YOU GOING TO GIVE ME THIS FISH LICENCE?

333. I PROMISE YOU, THERE IS NO SUCH THING.

334. YOU DON'T NEED ONE.

335. SIGNED BY THE LORD MAYOR.

336. YOU'RE IN LUCK.

337. AND NOW, THERE IS THE MAYOR...

338. IN DERBY'S HISTORY.

339. IN THOSE THIGHS.

340. IN THE SECOND HALF.

341. CLEAR ROUND ON SIR GERALD...

342. MR. ERIC PRALINE.

343. WHO, OF COURSE,

344. IN THE FIRST HALF, SIGNS THE FISHY EXEMPTION.

345. AND THE GREAT CUSTOMER, MR. ERIC PRALINE

346. AND THERE IS THE "GOING SPARAL" LOOK ON THE FRONT OF HIS HEAD.

347. THE START OF THE SECOND HALF.

348. And here come the Derby Council XV

349. following the All Blacks out onto the pitch.

350. There, in the center of the picture

351. you can see Dawn Palethorpe on Sir Gerald...

352. one of the fastest wingers

353. we must have seen in England this season.

354. On the left-hand side of the picture

355. the Lord Mayor has been running such wonderful possession

356. for Derby Council in the lines out.

357. And it's the All Blacks to kick off.

358. Wilson to kick off.

359. Oh, and I can see there

360. the Chairman of the By-Ways and Highways Committee

361. who's obviously recovered from that very nasty blow

362. he got in that loose ball in the first half.

363. And Wilson kicks off

364. and it's the Town Clerk's taken the ball beautifully there.

365. The All Blacks are up on it very fast, and the whistle has gone.

366. I'm not quite sure what happened there.

367. I couldn't see, but there's a scrum-down.

368. I think it's an All Blacks' ball.

369. They were up on them very fast.

370. Obviously, they're going to try very hard in this half

371. to wipe out this five-point deficit.

372. Derby Council eight points to three up

373. and Derby Council have got the ball against the head.

374. There is the Borough Surveyor, the scrum-half is out of the...

375. uh, the Chairman of the Highway and By-way Committee

376. who's kicked for touch.

377. The line out... and it's into the line out

378. and the Mayor has got the ball again.

379. To the Borough Surveyor.

380. He's left out the Medical Officer of Health.

381. Straight along the line to the Lady Mayoress

382. and the Lady Mayoress has got to go through!

383. Number two has missed her!

384. She's up to the full back!

385. There's only the full back to beat!

386. And she has scored!

387. The Lady Mayoress has scored!

388. It's 11 points to three.

389. CLIFF, THIS MUST HAVE BEEN

390. FOR THE ALL BLACKS.

391. WELL, THEY'VE HAD VERY BAD LUCK ON THEIR TOUR SO FAR.

392. IN FACT, THEY MISSED

393. COST THEM THE MATCH.

394. AND THEN, OF COURSE,

395. AND TOMS SOFT TOY DEPARTMENT.

396. SO, I DON'T THINK THEY CAN

397. ON SATURDAY.

398. AND WHAT ABOUT CHINA?

399. WELL, WHETHER MAO TSE TUNG

400. CAN'T BREAK.

401. IN THE SECOND HALF.

402. WELL, THANK YOU, CLIFF.

403. TONIGHT'S

404. LONG JOHN SILVER IMPERSONATORS.

405. OF THE MATCH.

406. ARGH.

407. WELL, THAT'S ABOUT IT FOR TONIGHT, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.

408. BUT REMEMBER, IF YOU EN JOYED

409. AS WE'VE EN JOYED DOING IT

410. THEN WE'VE EN JOYED IT TWICE AS MUCH AS YOU.

411. HA-HA-HA.