Monty Python's Flying Circus 2x1

1. AND NOW FOR SOMETHING COMPLETELY DIFFERENT.

2. IT'S...

3. HELLO.

4. TONIGHT ON FACE THE PRESS, WE'RE GOING TO EXAMINE

5. TWO DIFFERENT VIEWS OF CONTEMPORARY THINGS.

6. ON MY LEFT IS THE MINISTER FOR HOME AFFAIRS

7. WHO IS WEARING A STRIKING ORGANZA DRESS IN PINK TULLE

8. WITH MATCHING PEARLS AND A DIAMANTE COLLAR NECKLACE.

9. THE SHOES ARE IN BRUSHED PIGSKIN WITH GOLD CLASPS

10. BY MAXWELL OF BOND STREET.

11. THE HAIR IS BY ROGER, AND THE WHOLE ENSEMBLE

12. IS CROWNED BY A SPECTACULAR DISPLAY OF CHRISTMAS ORCHIDS.

13. AND ON MY RIGHT

14. PUTTING THE CASE AGAINST THE GOVERNMENT

15. IS A SMALL PATCH OF BROWN LIQUID.

16. WHICH COULD BE CREOSOTE

17. OR SOME EXTRACT

18. USED IN INDUSTRIAL VARNISHING.

19. GOOD EVENING.

20. MINISTER, MAY I PUT THE FIRST QUESTION TO YOU?

21. IN YOUR PLAN "A BETTER BRITAIN FOR US"

22. YOU CLAIMED THAT YOU WOULD BUILD

23. 88,000 MILLION BILLION HOUSES A YEAR

24. IN THE GREATER LONDON AREA ALONE.

25. IN FACT, YOU'VE BUILT ONLY THREE IN THE LAST 15 YEARS.

26. ARE YOU A BIT DISAPPOINTED

27. WITH THIS RESULT?

28. NO, NO.

29. I'D LIKE TO ANSWER THIS

30. FIRSTLY IN MY NORMAL VOICE

31. AND THEN IN A KIND OF SILLY HIGH-PITCHED WHINE.

32. YOU SEE, HOUSING IS A PROBLEM REALLY...

33. WELL, WHILE THE MINISTER IS ANSWERING THIS QUESTION

34. I'D JUST LIKE TO POINT OUT

35. THE MINISTER'S DRESS HAS BEEN MADE ENTIRELY BY HAND

36. FROM OVER 300 PIECES OF ARABIAN SHOT SILK...

37. ESPECIALLY CREATED FOR THE MINISTER BY VARGAR'S OF PARIS.

38. THE LOW SLIM-LINE HAS BEEN CUT OFF THE SHOULDER

39. TO HEIGHTEN THE EFFECT OF THE MINISTER'S FINE BONE STRUCTURE.

40. I THINK THE MINISTER IS COMING TO THE END OF HIS ANSWER NOW

41. SO LET'S GO BACK OVER AND JOIN THE DISCUSSION.

42. THANK YOU VERY MUCH, MINISTER.

43. TODAY SAW THE APPOINTMENT OF A NEW HEAD OF...

44. DON'T I SAY ANY MORE?

45. NO FEAR.

46. TODAY SAW THE APPOINTMENT

47. OF A NEW HEAD OF ALLIED BOMBER COMMAND

48. AIR CHIEF MARSHALL SIR VINCENT "KILL THE JAPS" FORSTER.

49. HE'S IN OUR BIRMINGHAM STUDIO.

50. Hello, sailors!

51. Listen, guess what.

52. The Ministerette of Aviation has made me...

53. Head of the R.A.F. Ola Pola...

54. HELLO... MRS. ROGERS?

55. NO...

56. OH, I MUST BE IN THE WRONG HOUSE.

57. OOH...

58. So from now on, we're going to do things my way.

59. For a start, David Hockney is going to design the bombs...

60. THAT MUST BE THE NEW GAS COOKER.

61. MORNING.

62. MRS. G. CRUMP?

63. NO, MRS. G. PINNET.

64. THIS IS 46 EGERNON CRESCENT?

65. NO, ROAD, EGERNON ROAD.

66. ROAD, YES, SAYS HERE, YEAH.

67. RIGHT, COULD I SPEAK TO MRS. G. CRUMP, PLEASE?

68. OH, THERE'S NOBODY HERE OF THAT NAME.

69. IT'S MRS. G. PINNET, 46 EGERNON ROAD.

70. IT SAYS "CRUMP" HERE, DON'T IT, HARRY?

71. IT'S ON THE INVOICE.

72. DEFINITELY "CRUMP."

73. THERE MUST HAVE BEEN A MISTAKE

74. BECAUSE THE ADDRESS IS RIGHT

75. AND THAT'S DEFINITELY THE COOKER I ORDERED...

76. A BLUE AND WHITE COOKEASI.

77. WELL, YOU CAN'T HAVE THIS.

78. THIS IS CRUMP.

79. WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO?

80. WELL, I DON'T KNOW.

81. WE CAN TAKE IT BACK

82. GET A TRANSFER SLIP FROM CRUMP TO PINNET

83. AND PUT IT ON A SPECIAL DELIVERY.

84. THAT'S BEST... WE'LL SPECIAL IT FOR YOU.

85. WE'LL GET IT DOWN THERE TODAY.

86. YOU'LL GET IT BACK IN TEN WEEKS.

87. TEN WEEKS?

88. CAN'T YOU JUST LEAVE THIS ONE?

89. WHAT, THIS?

90. WHAT, LEAVE IT HERE?

91. YES.

92. WELL, I DUNNO.

93. I SUPPOSE WE COULD.

94. OH, BUT SHE'D HAVE TO FILL OUT

95. A TEMPORARY DISPATCH NOTE.

96. YEAH, WE COULD LEAVE IT

97. ON A TEMPORARY DISPATCH NOTE.

98. THAT'S SORTED OUT, THEN.

99. WHAT A MESS, ISN'T IT?

100. I KNOW IT'S RIDICULOUS, REALLY

101. BUT THERE YOU ARE.

102. GLAD WE COULD BE OF SUCH A HELP.

103. SIGN IT DOWN THERE, PLEASE, MRS. CRUMP.

104. PINNET.

105. LISTEN, JUST FOR THE BOOKS...

106. MAKE IT A BIT EASIER...

107. COULD YOU SIGN IT "CRUMP-PINNET"?

108. RIGHT.

109. RIGHT, THANK YOU VERY MUCH, DEAR.

110. THE COOKER'S YOURS.

111. YEAH, HERE WE GO.

112. RIGHT.

113. SORRY ABOUT THE BOTHER

114. BUT THERE YOU ARE, YOU KNOW, CHEERIO!

115. CHEERIO, MRS. CRUMP!

116. HEY, EXCUSE ME.

117. COOEY!

118. UH, CAN YOU PUT IT IN THE KITCHEN?

119. YOU WHAT?

120. WELL, I CAN'T COOK ON IT

121. UNLESS IT'S CONNECTED UP.

122. WE DIDN'T REALIZE YOU HAD

123. AN INSTALLATION INVOICE.

124. AN M.I.

125. NO, WE CAN'T TOUCH IT WITHOUT AN M.I.

126. OR AN R16.

127. IF IT'S A SPECIAL.

128. NO, IT'S NOT SPECIAL.

129. THAT'S BACK AT THE DEPOT.

130. NO, THE SPECIAL'S

131. THE SAME AS INSTALLATION INVOICE.

132. WHAT'S AN INSTALLATION INVOICE?

133. A PINK FORM FROM READING.

134. OH, WE WONDERED WHAT THAT WAS.

135. NOW, THESE ARE THE FORMS.

136. THAT'S THE ONE, LOVE.

137. YEAH, THIS SHOULD BE ALL I NEED.

138. HANG ON, THIS IS FOR PINNET...

139. MRS. G. PINNET.

140. THAT'S RIGHT, I'M MRS. G. PINNET.

141. WELL WE'VE GOT "CRUMP- PINNET" ON THE INVOICE.

142. WELL, SHALL I SIGN IT "CRUMP-PINNET," THEN?

143. NO, NO, NO, NOT AN M.I., NO.

144. NO, THAT'S FROM AREA SERVICE AT READING.

145. NO, CHELTENHAM, ISN'T IT?

146. NO, NOT THIS SIDE OF THE STREET.

147. LOOK, I JUST WANT IT CONNECTED UP.

148. WHAT ABOUT LONDON OFFICE?

149. NO, THEY HAVEN'T GOT THE MACHINERY.

150. NOT NOW.

151. WHAT, THE HOUNSLOW DEPOT?

152. NO, THEY'RE STILL ON STANDARD PRESSURE.

153. SAME WITH TWICKENHAM.

154. BUT SURELY THEY CAN CONNECT UP A GAS COOKER.

155. OH, YEAH, BUT NOT UNLESS IT'S AN EMERGENCY.

156. WELL, THIS IS AN EMERGENCY.

157. IT'S NOT; AN EMERGENCY IS 290...

158. "WHERE THERE IS ACTUAL OR APPARENT LOSS

159. OF COMBUSTIBLE GASEOUS SUBSTANCES."

160. YEAH, IT'S LIKE A LEAK.

161. OR A 478.

162. NO, THAT'S VALVE ADJUSTMENT.

163. BUT THERE CAN'T BE A LEAK

164. UNLESS YOU'VE CONNECTED IT UP.

165. NO, QUITE.

166. WE'D HAVE TO TURN IT ON.

167. WELL, CAN'T YOU TURN IT ON

168. AND CONNECT IT UP?

169. NO, BUT WHAT WE CAN DO...

170. AND THIS IS BETWEEN YOU AND ME;

171. I SHOULDN'T REALLY BE TELLING YOU THIS...

172. WE'LL TURN YOUR GAS ON

173. MAKE A HOLE IN YOUR PIPE

174. YOU RING HOUNSLOW EMERGENCY

175. THEY'LL BE ROUND HERE IN A COUPLE OF DAYS.

176. WHAT, A HOUSE FULL OF GAS?

177. I'LL BE DEAD BY THEN!

178. OH, WELL, IN THAT CASE

179. YOU'D HAVE THE SOUTHEAST AREA MANAGER

180. ROUND HERE LIKE A SHOT.

181. REALLY?

182. AH, YES.

183. "ONE OR MORE PERSONS OVERCOME BY FUMES"

184. YOU'D HAVE HEAD OFFICE, HOLBORN, ROUND HERE.

185. REALLY?

186. YEAH, THAT'S MURDER, YOU SEE.

187. OR SUICIDE.

188. NO, THAT'S S42.

189. OH.

190. STILL? I THOUGHT IT WAS HAINAULT.

191. NO, CENTRAL AREA

192. AND SOUTHALL MARKETING DIVISION...

193. THEY'RE BOTH ON THE S42 NOW.

194. AND THEY'D BE ABLE TO CONNECT IT UP?

195. OH, THEY'D DO THE LOT FOR YOU, LOVE.

196. AND THEY'D COME ROUND THIS AFTERNOON?

197. WELL, WHAT IS IT NOW, 11:30?

198. MURDER...

199. THEY'LL BE ROUND HERE BY 2:00.

200. OH, WELL, THAT'S WONDERFUL.

201. OH, RIGHT, LOVE, IF YOU'D LIKE TO LIE DOWN HERE.

202. ALL RIGHT.

203. OKAY, HARRY!

204. OKAY, GAS ON.

205. RIGHT, DEEP BREATHS, LOVE.

206. RING HEAD OFFICE, WOULD YOU, NORMAN?

207. SHALL I GO THROUGH MAINTENANCE?

208. NO, YOU'D BETTER GO THROUGH DEPTFORD MAINTENANCE.

209. PECKHAM'S ON A 207.

210. THAT'S LEWISHAM, ISN'T IT...

211. WHAT ABOUT TOTTENHAM?

212. NO, THAT'D BE A 5-4.

213. WHAT ABOUT LEWISHAM?

214. IT'S CENTRAL, ISN'T IT?

215. YES, OR RUISLIP.

216. GOOD MORNING.

217. GOOD MORNING, SIR.

218. CAN I HELP YOU?

219. HELP ME?

220. YEAH, I'LL SAY YOU CAN HELP ME.

221. YES, SIR?

222. I COME ABOUT YOUR ADVERT

223. "SMALL WHITE PUSSY CAT FOR SALE.

224. EXCELLENT CONDITION."

225. AH, YOU WISH TO BUY IT?

226. THAT'S RIGHT... JUST FOR THE HOUR.

227. ONLY I AIN'T GONNA PAY MORE'N A FIVER

228. 'CAUSE IT AIN'T WORTH IT.

229. IT'S COME FROM A VERY GOOD HOME.

230. IT'S HOUSE TRAINED.

231. "CHEST OF DRAWERS..."

232. CHEST... DRAWERS.

233. I'D LIKE SOME CHEST OF DRAWERS, PLEASE.

234. YES, SIR.

235. DOES IT GO?

236. IT'S OVER THERE IN THE CORNER.

237. "PRAM FOR SALE... ANY OFFERS."

238. I'D LIKE A BIT OF PRAM, PLEASE.

239. AH, YES, SIR.

240. THAT'S IN GOOD CONDITION.

241. OH, GOOD... I LIKE THEM IN GOOD CONDITION, EH?

242. HERE IT IS, YOU SEE.

243. "BABY-SITTER."

244. NO, IT'S A BABY-SITTER.

245. BABY-SITTER?

246. BABY-SITTER.

247. BABY-SITTER...

248. I DON'T WANT A BABY-SITTER.

249. "BE A BLOOD DONOR," THAT'S IT.

250. I'D LIKE TO GIVE SOME BLOOD, PLEASE... WHAA!

251. OH, SPIT, WHICH ONE IS IT?

252. "BLONDE PROSTITUTE WILL INDULGE IN ANY SEXUAL ACTIVITY

253. FOR FOUR QUID A WEEK."

254. WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?

255. TIMES, PLEASE.

256. OH, YES, SIR, HERE YOU ARE.

257. THANK YOU. CHEERS.

258. GOOD MORNING.

259. I'M SORRY TO HAVE KEPT YOU WAITING

260. BUT I'M AFRAID MY...

261. MY WALK HAS BECOME RATHER SILLIER RECENTLY

262. AND SO IT TAKES ME RATHER LONGER TO GET TO WORK.

263. NOW THEN, WHAT WAS IT AGAIN?

264. WELL, SIR, I HAVE A SILLY WALK

265. AND I'D LIKE TO OBTAIN A GOVERNMENT GRANT

266. TO HELP ME DEVELOP IT.

267. I SEE.

268. MAY I SEE YOUR SILLY WALK?

269. YES, CERTAINLY, YES.

270. THAT'S IT, IS IT?

271. YES, THAT'S IT, YES.

272. MM-HMM, IT'S NOT PARTICULARLY SILLY, IS IT?

273. I MEAN, THE RIGHT LEG ISN'T SILLY AT ALL

274. AND THE LEFT LEG MERELY DOES A FORWARD AERIAL HALF TURN

275. EVERY ALTERNATE STEP.

276. YES, BUT WITH GOVERNMENT BACKING

277. I COULD MAKE IT VERY SILLY.

278. MR. PUDEY, THE VERY REAL PROBLEM IS ONE OF MONEY.

279. I'M AFRAID THAT THE MINISTRY OF SILLY WALKS

280. IS NO LONGER GETTING

281. THE KIND OF SUPPORT IT NEEDS.

282. YOU SEE, THERE'S DEFENSE, SOCIAL SECURITY

283. HEALTH, HOUSING, EDUCATION, SILLY WALKS...

284. THEY'RE ALL SUPPOSED TO GET THE SAME.

285. BUT LAST YEAR, THE GOVERNMENT

286. SPENT LESS ON THE MINISTRY OF SILLY WALKS

287. THAN IT DID ON NATIONAL DEFENSE.

288. NOW, WE GET £348 MILLION A YEAR

289. WHICH IS SUPPOSED TO BE SPENT

290. ON ALL OUR AVAILABLE PRODUCTS.

291. UH, COFFEE?

292. YES, PLEASE.

293. UH, MRS. TWO-LUMPS

294. WOULD YOU BRING US IN TWO COFFEES, PLEASE?

295. Yes, Mr. Teabag.

296. OUT OF HER MIND.

297. NOW, THE JAPANESE HAVE A MAN

298. WHO CAN BEND HIS LEG BACK OVER HIS HEAD AND BACK AGAIN

299. WITH EVERY SINGLE STEP, WHILE THE ISRAELIS...

300. AH, HERE'S THE COFFEE.

301. THANK YOU... LOVELY.

302. YOU'RE REALLY INTERESTED IN SILLY WALKS, AREN'T YOU?

303. OH, RATHER.

304. WELL, TAKE A LOOK AT THIS, THEN.

305. MR. PUDEY...

306. I'M NOT GOING TO MINCE WORDS WITH YOU.

307. I'M GOING TO OFFER YOU A RESEARCH FELLOWSHIP

308. ON THE ANGLO-FRENCH SILLY WALK.

309. LA MARCHE FUTILE?

310. BONJOUR.

311. COMME D'HABITUDE

312. AU SUJET DU "LE MARCHE COMIQUE."

313. ET MAINTENANT, JE VOUS PRESENTE, ENCORE UNE FOIS

314. MON AMI, LE POUF CELEBRE, JEAN-BRIAN ZATAPATHIQUE.

315. MERCI, MON PETIT CHOUCHOU, BRIAN TRUBSHAWE.

316. ET MAINTENANT AVEC LE PIED A DROITE ET LE PIED A GAUCHE

317. ET MAINTENANT L'ANGLAIS- FRANCAISE MARCHE FUTILE.

318. ET...

319. VOI...

320. LA!

321. AND NOW A CHOICE

322. JUST STARTED ON BBC 2

323. THE SEMIFINAL OF EPISODE THREE OF KIERKEGAARD'S JOURNALS

324. STARRING RICHARD CHAMBERLAIN, PEGGY MOUNTAND BILLY BREMNER.

325. AND ON BBC 1, ETHEL THE FROG.

326. GOOD EVENING.

327. ON ETHEL THE FROG TONIGHT, WE LOOK AT VIOLENCE...

328. THE VIOLENCE OF BRITISH GANGLAND.

329. LAST TUESDAY A REIGN OF TERROR WAS ENDED

330. WHEN THE NOTORIOUS PIRANHA BROTHERS, DOUG AND DINSDALE

331. AFTER ONE OF THE MOST EXTRAORDINARY TRIALS

332. IN BRITISH LEGAL HISTORY

333. WERE SENTENCED TO 400 YEARS' IMPRISONMENT

334. FOR CRIMES OF VIOLENCE.

335. TONIGHT ETHEL THE FROG EXAMINES

336. THE RISE TO POWER OF THE PIRANHAS

337. THE METHODS THEY USED TO SUBJUGATE RIVAL GANGS

338. AND THEIR SUBSEQUENT TRACKING DOWN AND CAPTURE

339. BY THE BRILLIANT SUPERINTENDENT HARRY "SNAPPER" ORGANS

340. OF "Q" DIVISION.

341. DOUG AND DINSDALE PIRANHA WERE BORN, ON PROBATION

342. IN THIS HOUSE IN KIPLING ROAD, SOUTHWARK

343. THE ELDEST SONS IN A FAMILY OF 16.

344. THEIR FATHER, ARTHUR PIRANHA

345. A SCRAP METAL DEALER AND TV QUIZMASTER

346. WAS WELL KNOWN TO THE POLICE AND A DEVOUT CATHOLIC.

347. IN JANUARY 1928, HE HAD MARRIED KITTY MALONE

348. AN UP-AND-COMING EAST END BOXER.

349. DOUG WAS BORN IN FEBRUARY 1929 AND DINSDALE TWO WEEKS LATER

350. AND AGAIN A WEEK AFTER THAT.

351. THEIR NEXT-DOOR NEIGHBOR WAS MRS. APRIL SIMNEL.

352. KIPLING ROAD WERE A TYPICAL SORT OF EAST END STREET.

353. PEOPLE WERE IN AND OUT OF EACH OTHER'S HOUSES

354. WITH EACH OTHER'S PROPERTY ALL DAY LONG.

355. THEY WERE A CHEERY LOT, THOUGH.

356. WAS IT A TERRIBLY VIOLENT AREA?

357. YES, CHEERFUL AND VIOLENT.

358. I REMEMBER DOUG WAS VERY KEEN ON BOXING

359. UNTIL HE LEARNED TO WALK.

360. THEN HE TOOK UP PUTTING THE BOOT IN THE GROIN.

361. OH, HE WAS VERY INTERESTED IN THAT.

362. HIS MOTHER USED TO HAVE SUCH TROUBLE

363. GETTING HIM TO COME IN FOR HIS TEA.

364. HE'D BE OUT THERE PUTTING HIS LITTLE BOOT IN, YOU KNOW.

365. BLESS HIM.

366. BUT, YOU KNOW, KIDS WERE VERY DIFFERENT THEN.

367. THEY DIDN'T HAVE THEIR HEADS FILLED

368. WITH ALL THIS CARTESIAN DUALISM.

369. AT THE AGE OF 15, DOUG AND DINSDALE STARTED ATTENDING

370. THE ERNEST PYTHAGORAS PRIMARY SCHOOL IN CLERKENWELL.

371. ANTHONY VINEY

372. YOU TAUGHT THE PIRANHA BROTHERS ENGLISH.

373. WHAT DO YOU REMEMBER MOST ABOUT THEM?

374. ANTHONY VINEY.

375. WHEN THE PIRANHAS LEFT SCHOOL, THEY WERE CALLED UP

376. BUT WERE FOUND BY AN ARMY BOARD TO BE TOO MENTALLY UNSTABLE

377. EVEN FOR NATIONAL SERVICE.

378. DENIED THE OPPORTUNITY TO USE THEIR TALENTS

379. IN THE SERVICE OF THEIR COUNTRY

380. THEY BEGAN TO OPERATE WHAT THEY CALLED "THE OPERATION."

381. THEY WOULD SELECT A VICTIM AND THEN THREATEN TO BEAT HIM UP

382. IF HE PAID THEM THE SO-CALLED PROTECTION MONEY.

383. FOUR MONTHS LATER, THEY STARTED ANOTHER OPERATION

384. WHICH THEY CALLED "THE OTHER OPERATION."

385. IN THIS RACKET, THEY SELECTED ANOTHER VICTIM

386. AND THREATENED NOT TO BEAT HIM UP IF HE DIDN'T PAY THEM.

387. ONE MONTH LATER, THEY HIT UPON "THE OTHER OTHER OPERATION."

388. IN THIS, THE VICTIM WAS THREATENED

389. THAT IF HE DIDN'T PAY THEM, THEY WOULD BEAT HIM UP.

390. THIS FOR THE PIRANHA BROTHERS WAS THE TURNING POINT.

391. DOUG AND DINSDALE PIRANHA NOW FORMED A GANG

392. WHICH THEY CALLED "THE GANG"

393. AND USED TERROR TO TAKE OVER NIGHTCLUBS, BILLIARD HALLS

394. GAMING CASINOS AND RACE TRACKS.

395. WHEN THEY TRIED TO TAKE OVER THE M.C.C.

396. THEY WERE, FOR THE ONLY TIME IN THEIR LIVES, SLIT UP A TREAT.

397. AS THEIR EMPIRE SPREAD, HOWEVER

398. WE IN "Q" DIVISION WERE KEEPING TABS ON THEIR EVERY MOVEMENT

399. BY READING THE COLOR SUPPLEMENTS.

400. A SMALL-TIME OPERATOR WHO FELL FOUL OF DINSDALE PIRANHA

401. WAS VINCE SNETTERTON-LEWIS.

402. WELL, ONE DAY I WAS SITTING AT HOME THREATENING THE KIDS

403. AND I LOOKED OUT OF THE HOLE IN THE WALL

404. AND I SAW THIS TANK DRIVE UP AND ONE OF DINSDALE'S BOYS GETS OUT

405. AND HE COMES UP, ALL NICE AND FRIENDLY LIKE

406. AND SAYS DINSDALE WANTS TO HAVE A TALK WITH ME.

407. SO HE CHAINS ME TO THE BACK OF THE TANK

408. AND TAKES ME FOR A SCRAPE ROUND TO DINSDALE'S PLACE.

409. AND DINSDALE'S THERE IN THE CONVERSATION PIT

410. WITH DOUG AND CHARLES PAISLEY, THE BABY CRUSHER

411. AND A COUPLE OF FILM PRODUCERS

412. AND A MAN THEY CALLED KIERKEGAARD

413. WHO JUST SAT THERE BITING THE HEADS OFF WHIPPETS.

414. AND DINSDALE SAID

415. "I HEAR YOU'VE BEEN A NAUGHTY BOY, CLEMENT"

416. AND HE SPLITS ME NOSTRILS OPEN AND SAWS ME LEG OFF

417. AND PULLS ME LIVER OUT.

418. AND I SAID, "MY NAME'S NOT CLEMENT."

419. AND THEN HE LOSES HIS TEMPER

420. AND HE NAILS MY HEAD TO THE FLOOR.

421. HE NAILED YOUR HEAD TO THE FLOOR?

422. AT FIRST, YEAH.

423. ANOTHER MAN WHO HAD HIS HEAD NAILED TO THE FLOOR

424. WAS STIG O'TRACEY.

425. STIG, I'VE BEEN TOLD THAT DINSDALE PIRANHA

426. NAILED YOUR HEAD TO THE FLOOR.

427. NO, NO, NEVER, NEVER.

428. HE WAS A SMASHING BLOKE.

429. HE USED TO GIVE HIS MOTHER FLOWERS AND THAT.

430. HE WAS LIKE A BROTHER TO ME.

431. BUT THE POLICE HAVE FILM OF DINSDALE

432. ACTUALLY NAILING YOUR HEAD TO THE FLOOR.

433. OH, YEAH, WELL... HE DID THAT, YEAH.

434. WHY?

435. WELL, HE HAD TO, DIDN'T HE?

436. I MEAN, BE FAIR.

437. THERE WAS NOTHING ELSE HE COULD DO.

438. I MEAN, I HAD TRANSGRESSED THE UNWRITTEN LAW.

439. WHAT HAD YOU DONE?

440. UH...

441. WELL, HE NEVER TOLD ME THAT.

442. BUT HE GAVE ME HIS WORD THAT IT WAS THE CASE

443. AND THAT'S GOOD ENOUGH FOR ME WITH OLD DINSY.

444. I MEAN, HE DIDN'T WANT TO NAIL MY HEAD TO THE FLOOR.

445. I HAD TO INSIST.

446. HE WANTED TO LET ME OFF.

447. THERE'S NOTHING DINSDALE WOULDN'T DO FOR YOU.

448. AND YOU DON'T BEAR HIM ANY GRUDGE?

449. A GRUDGE?

450. OLD DINSY?

451. HE WAS A REAL DARLING.

452. I UNDERSTAND HE ALSO NAILED YOUR WIFE'S HEAD TO A COFFEE TABLE.

453. ISN'T THAT RIGHT, MRS. O'TRACEY?

454. OH, NO, NO, NO.

455. YEAH, WELL, HE DID DO THAT.

456. YEAH, YEAH.

457. HE WAS A CRUEL MAN, BUT FAIR.

458. VINCE, AFTER HE NAILED YOUR HEAD TO THE FLOOR

459. DID YOU EVER SEE HIM AGAIN?

460. YEAH, AFTER THAT, I USED TO GO ROUND TO HIS FLAT

461. EVERY SUNDAY LUNCHTIME TO APOLOGIZE

462. AND WE'D SHAKE HANDS, AND THEN HE'D NAIL MY HEAD TO THE FLOOR.

463. EVERY SUNDAY?

464. YEAH, BUT HE WAS VERY REASONABLE ABOUT IT.

465. I MEAN, ONE SUNDAY

466. WHEN MY PARENTS WERE COMING ROUND FOR TEA

467. I ASKED HIM IF HE'D MIND VERY MUCH

468. NOT NAILING MY HEAD TO THE FLOOR THAT WEEK

469. AND HE AGREED AND JUST SCREWED MY PELVIS TO A CAKE STAND.

470. HE WAS THE ONLY FRIEND I EVER HAD.

471. I WOULDN'T HEAR A WORD AGAINST HIM.

472. LOVELY FELLA.

473. CLEARLY DINSDALE INSPIRED TREMENDOUS LOYALTY AND TERROR

474. AMONGST HIS BUSINESS ASSOCIATES, BUT WHAT WAS HE REALLY LIKE?

475. I WALKED OUT WITH DINSDALE ON MANY OCCASIONS

476. AND FOUND HIM A MOST CHARMING AND ERUDITE COMPANION.

477. HE WAS WONT TO INTRODUCE ONE TO MANY EMINENT PERSONS

478. CELEBRATED AMERICAN SINGERS, MEMBERS OF THE ARISTOCRACY

479. AND OTHER GANG LEADERS.

480. HOW HAD HE MET THEM?

481. THROUGH HIS WORK FOR CHARITY.

482. HE TOOK A WARM INTEREST IN BOYS' CLUBS, SAILORS' HOMES

483. CHORISTERS' ASSOCIATIONS, SCOUTING JAMBOREES

484. AND, OF COURSE, THE HOUSEHOLD CAVALRY.

485. WAS THERE ANYTHING UNUSUAL ABOUT HIM?

486. I SHOULD SAY NOT.

487. DINSDALE WAS A PERFECTLY NORMAL PERSON IN EVERY WAY

488. EXCEPT... EXCEPT INASMUCH AS HE WAS CONVINCED

489. THAT HE WAS BEING WATCHED BY A GIANT HEDGEHOG

490. WHOM HE REFERRED TO AS SPINY NORMAN.

491. HOW BIG WAS NORMAN SUPPOSED TO BE?

492. NORMALLY HE WAS WONT TO BE ABOUT 12 FEET FROM SNOUT TO TAIL

493. BUT WHEN DINSDALE WAS VERY DEPRESSED

494. NORMAN COULD BE ANYTHING UP TO 800 YARDS LONG.

495. WHEN NORMAN WAS ABOUT, DINSDALE WOULD GO VERY QUIET

496. AND HIS NOSE WOULD SWELL UP

497. AND HIS TEETH WOULD START MOVING ABOUT

498. AND HE'D BECOME VERY VIOLENT

499. AND CLAIM THAT HE'D LAID STANLEY BALDWIN.

500. DINSDALE WAS A GENTLEMAN.

501. AND WHAT'S MORE, HE KNEW HOW TO TREAT A FEMALE IMPERSONATOR.

502. IT'S EASY FOR US TO JUDGE DINSDALE PIRANHA TOO HARSHLY.

503. AFTER ALL, HE ONLY DID WHAT MOST OF US SIMPLY DREAM OF DOING.

504. I'M SORRY.

505. AFTER ALL, A MURDERER IS ONLY AN EXTROVERTED SUICIDE.

506. DINSDALE WAS A LOONY, BUT HE WAS A HAPPY LOONY.

507. LUCKY BASTARD.

508. MOST OF THESE STRANGE TALES CONCERN DINSDALE

509. BUT WHAT OF DOUG?

510. ONE MAN WHO MET HIM WAS LUIGI VERCOTTI.

511. WELL, I HAD BEEN RUNNING A SUCCESSFUL ESCORT AGENCY.

512. HIGH-CLASS... NO, REALLY... HIGH-CLASS GIRLS.

513. WE DIDN'T HAVE ANY OF THAT.

514. THAT WAS RIGHT OUT.

515. AND I DECIDED...

516. EXCUSE ME.

517. HELLO?

518. NO, NOT NOW.

519. SHTOOM, SHTOOM.

520. RIGHT, YES, WE'LL HAVE THE WATCH READY FOR YOU AT MIDNIGHT.

521. THE WATCH... THE CHINESE WATCH.

522. YES, ALL RIGHT, BYE-BYE... MOTHER.

523. ANYWAY, I DECIDED THEN TO OPEN

524. A HIGH-CLASS NIGHTCLUB FOR THE GENTRY

525. AT BIGGLESWADE WITH INTERNATIONAL CUISINE

526. COOKING, TOP-LINE ACTS

527. AND NOT A CHEAP CLIP JOINT FOR PICKING UP TARTS.

528. THAT WAS RIGHT OUT, I DENY THAT COMPLETELY.

529. AND ONE NIGHT DINSDALE WALKED IN

530. WITH A COUPLE OF BIG LADS

531. ONE OF WHOM WAS CARRYING A TACTICAL NUCLEAR MISSILE.

532. THEY SAID I'D BOUGHT ONE OF THEIR FRUIT MACHINES

533. AND WOULD I PAY FOR IT.

534. HOW MUCH DID THEY WANT?

535. THREE-QUARTERS OF A MILLION POUNDS.

536. THEN THEY WENT OUT.

537. WHY DIDN'T YOU CALL FOR THE POLICE?

538. WELL, I'D NOTICED THAT THE LAD WITH THE THERMONUCLEAR DEVICE

539. WAS THE CHIEF CONSTABLE FOR THE AREA.

540. ANYWAY, A WEEK LATER THEY COME BACK

541. SAID THAT THE CHECK HAD BOUNCED

542. AND THAT I HAD TO SEE DOUG.

543. DOUG?

544. DOUG.

545. I WAS TERRIFIED OF HIM.

546. EVERYONE WAS TERRIFIED OF DOUG.

547. I'VE SEEN GROWN MEN PULL THEIR OWN HEADS OFF

548. RATHER THAN SEE DOUG.

549. EVEN DINSDALE WAS FRIGHTENED OF DOUG.

550. WHAT DID HE DO?

551. HE USED SARCASM.

552. HE KNEW ALL THE TRICKS... DRAMATIC IRONY, METAPHOR

553. BATHOS, PUNS, PARODY, LITOTES... AND SATIRE.

554. BY A COMBINATION OF VIOLENCE AND SARCASM

555. THE PIRANHA BROTHERS, BY FEBRUARY 1966

556. CONTROLLED LONDON AND THE SOUTH EAST.

557. IN FEBRUARY, THOUGH, DINSDALE MADE A BIG MISTAKE.

558. LATELY, DINSDALE HAD BECOME INCREASINGLY WORRIED

559. ABOUT SPINY NORMAN.

560. HE HAD COME TO THE CONCLUSION THAT NORMAN SLEPT

561. IN AN AEROPLANE HANGAR AT LUTON AIRPORT.

562. AND SO, ON FEBRUARY 22, 1966, AT LUTON AIRPORT...

563. EVEN THE POLICE BEGAN TO SIT UP AND TAKE NOTICE.

564. THE PIRANHAS REALIZED THEY HAD GONE TOO FAR

565. AND THAT THE HUNT WAS ON.

566. THEY WENT INTO HIDING AND I DECIDED ON A SUBTLE APPROACH

567. VIZ. SOME FORM OF DISGUISE

568. AS THE OLD HELMET AND BOOTS WERE A BIT OF A GIVEAWAY.

569. LUCKILY, MY YEARS WITH BRISTOL REP STOOD ME IN GOOD STEAD

570. AS I ASSUMED A BEWILDERING VARIETY OF DISGUISES.

571. I TRACKED THEM TO CARDIFF POSING AS THE REVEREND SMILER EGRET.

572. HEARING THEY'D GONE BACK TO LONDON

573. I ASSUMED THE IDENTITY OF A PORK BUTCHER, BRIAN STOATS.

574. ON MY ARRIVAL IN LONDON

575. I DISCOVERED THEY HAD RETURNED TO CARDIFF.

576. I FOLLOWED AS GLOUCESTER FROM KING LEAR.

577. ACTING ON A HUNCH

578. I SPENT SEVERAL MONTHS IN BUENOS AIRES AS BLIND PEW

579. RETURNING THROUGH THE PANAMA CANAL

580. AS RATTY IN TOAD OF TOAD HALL.

581. BACK IN CARDIFF, I RELIVED MY TRIUMPH

582. AS SANCHO PANZA IN MAN OF LA MANCHA

583. WHICH THE BRISTOL EVENING POST DESCRIBED

584. AS "A GLITTERING PERFORMANCE OF RARE PERCEPTION"

585. ALTHOUGH THE BATH CHRONICLE WAS LESS THAN ENTHUSIASTIC.

586. IN FACT, IT GAVE ME A RIGHT PANNING... I QUOTE...

587. "AS FOR THE PERFORMANCE

588. "OF SUPERINTENDENT HARRY 'SNAPPER' ORGANS

589. "AS SANCHO PANZA

590. "THE AUDIENCE WERE BEMUSED BY HIS HIGH-PITCHED WELSH ACCENT

591. AND INTIMIDATED BY HIS ABUSIVE AD LIBS."

592. THE WESTERN DAILY NEWS SAID...

593. "SANCHO PANZA

594. "SPOILT AN OTHERWISE IMPECCABLY CHOREOGRAPHED RAPE SCENE

595. "BY HIS UNSCHEDULED APPEARANCE

596. AND PERSISTENT CRIES OF 'WHAT'S ALL THIS, THEN? '"

597. NEVER MIND, SNAPPER, LOVE.

598. YOU CAN'T WIN THEM ALL.

599. TRUE, CONSTABLE.

600. COULD I HAVE MY EYELINER, PLEASE?

601. TELEGRAM FOR YOU, LOVE.

602. OH, GOOD-O.

603. BET IT'S FROM BINKIE.

604. THOSE FLOWERS ARE FOR SERGEANT LAUDERDALE

605. FROM THE GENTLEMAN WAITING OUTSIDE.

606. OH, GOOD.

607. 30 SECONDS, SUPERINTENDENT.

608. OH, BLIMEY, I'M ON.

609. IS ME HAT STRAIGHT, CONSTABLE?

610. OH, IT'S FINE.

611. RIGHT, HERE WE GO THEN, HAWKINS.

612. OH, MERDE, SUPERINTENDENT.

613. GOOD LUCK, THEN.

614. READ ALL ABOUT IT!

615. PIRANHA BROTHERS ESCAPE!

616. DINSDALE?

617. DINSDALE?

618. DINSDALE?

619. DINSDALE?

620. DINSDALE! DINSDALE!

621. DINSDALE!

622. DINSDALE!

623. WELL, THAT'S ALL FOR NOW, AND SO UNTIL NEXT WEEK...