Monty Python's Flying Circus 1x11

1. It's... Ah!

2. Monty Python's Flying Circus.

3. Have you finished in there yet?

4. Dear sir, I object strongly to the obvious lavatorial turn

5. this show has already taken.

6. Why do we never hear about the good things in Britain,

7. like Mary Bignall's wonderful jump in 1964?

8. Yours et cetera, Ken Voyeur.

9. Dear sir, I object strongly to the obvious athletic turn

10. this show has now taken.

11. Why can't we hear more about the human body?

12. There is nothing embarrassing or nasty about the human body

13. except for the intestines and bits of the bottom.

14. Dear sir, I object strongly to the letters on your programme.

15. They are clearly not written by the general public

16. and are merely included for a cheap laugh.

17. Yours et cetera, William Knickers.

18. - That was absolutely revolting. - Appalling.

19. Disgusting. Disgusting.

20. Disgusting rubbish.

21. I, too, take strong exception to this resurgence of cheap jokes

22. about poo-poos.

23. Mr. Voyeur's letter stated very— Ooh.

24. Oh, excuse me.

25. As I was saying,

26. the letter previously read made clear the view of a great majority...

27. 1348. The Black Death, typhus, cholera,

28. consumption, bubonic plague.

29. Oh, those were the days.

30. Now, I'm not— I'm..

31. Now, I'm not prepared to go on with this unless these interruptions cease.

32. All right?

33. Right.

34. The devastating effect of these, um—

35. No, don't follow me. And don't zoom in on me.

36. No, I'm off. I'm off. That's it. That's all. I'm off.

37. Are you nervy, irritable, depressed, tired of life?

38. Keep it up.

39. This house is surrounded.

40. I'm afraid I must not ask anyone to leave the room.

41. No, I must ask nobody.

42. No, I must ask everybody to...

43. I must not ask anyone to leave the room—

44. No one must be asked by me to leave room.

45. No, no one must ask the room to leave.

46. I ask the room shall by someone be left. Not.

47. Ask nobody the room somebody leave shall I.

48. Shall I leave the room?

49. Everyone must leave the room as it is...

50. with them in it.

51. Understand?

52. You don't want anybody to leave the room.

53. Now, alduce me to introlow myself.

54. I'm sorry. Alself me to myduce intro—

55. Intro me to lose mylow—

56. Mme to you 'mtrosefi my

57. EXCUSE me a moment.

58. Allow me to introduce myself. I'm afraid I must ask that no one leave the room.

59. Allow me to introduce myself. I'm Inspector Tiger.

60. Tiger? Where? Where? Oh.

61. Me Tiger.

62. You Jane.

63. Beg your pardon.

64. Allow me to introduce myself.

65. I'm afraid I must ask that no one leave the room.

66. Why not? Elementary.

67. Since the body was found in this room and no one has left it.

68. Therefore, the murderer must be somebody in this room.

69. What body? Somebody...

70. in this room must the murderer be.

71. The murderer of the body is somebody in this room

72. which nobody must leave.

73. Leave the body in the room not to be left by anybody.

74. Nobody leaves anybody or the body with somebody.

75. Anybody who is anybody shall leave the body in the room body.

76. Take the tablets, Tiger.

77. Anybody with a body but not the body is nobody.

78. Nobody leaves the body in the Bo—

79. Albody me to introbody a—

80. Now for Sir Gerald. That's better.

81. Now, I'm Inspector Tiger and I must ask that nobody leave the room.

82. Now, someone has committed a murder here

83. and that murderer is someone in this room.

84. The question is who?

85. Look, there hasn't been a murder.

86. - No murder? - No.

87. Oh.

88. I don't like it. It's too simple, too clear-cut.

89. I'd better wait. No, too simple, too clear-cut.

90. By Jove, he was right.

91. This house is surrounded. I must ask that no one leave the room.

92. I'm Chief Superintendent Lookout.

93. Lookout? What? Where?

94. Oh, me, Lookout. Lookout of the Yard.

95. Why, what would we see?

96. I'm sorry?

97. Well, what would we see if we look out of the yard?

98. I'm afraid I don't follow that at all.

99. Aha! The body.

100. So the murderer must be somebody in this room.

101. Unless he had very long arms. Say, 30 or 40 feet.

102. I think we can discount that one.

103. Lookout of the Yard. Very good.

104. Right. Now we'll reconstruct the crime.

105. I'll sit down here.

106. Constable, you turn off the lights.

107. Good. Now then, there was a scream...

108. Then just before the lights went up, there was a shot.

109. All right, all right, the house is surrounded, and nobody leave the room

110. and all the rest of it. Allow me to introduce myself.

111. I'm Assistant Chief Constable Theresamanbehindyer.

112. Theresamanbehindyer?

113. You're not going to catch me with an old one like that.

114. Right, let's reconstruct the crime.

115. Constable, you be Inspector Tiger. Right, sir.

116. Nobody leave the room ask shall.

117. Somebody I leave nobody in the room body shall.

118. Take the tablets, Tigerbody.

119. Alself me to myduce introlow left body in the roomself.

120. Very good. Sit down there. Thank you, sir.

121. Right. Now we'll pretend the lights have gone out.

122. Constable, you scream.

123. Somebody shoots you. And the door opens—

124. Nobody move. I am Chief Constable Fire.

125. Fire? Where? Where?

126. We're interrupting this sketch,

127. but we'll be bringing you back

128. the moment anything interesting happens.

129. Meanwhile, here are some friends of mine.

130. Dear sir, I'm sorry this letter is late.

131. It should have come at the beginning of the programme.

132. Yours, Ivor Bigbottie, age 2.

133. From the plastic arts, we turn to football.

134. Last night in the Stadium of Light, Jarrow,

135. we witnessed the resuscitation of a great footballing tradition

136. when Jarrow United came of age in a European sense

137. with an almost Proustian display of modern existentialist football,

138. virtually annihilating by midfield moral argument

139. the now surely obsolescent catenaccio defensive philosophy

140. of Signor Alberto Fanffino.

141. Bologna, indeed, were a sight intellectually out-argued

142. by a Jarrow team thrusting and bursting

143. with aggressive Kantian positivism.

144. And outstanding in this fine Jarrow team was my man of the match,

145. the arch-thinker, free-scheming, scarcely-ever-to-be-curbed

146. midfield cognoscente, Jimmy Buzzard.

147. Good evening, Brian.

148. Jimmy, at least one ageing football commentator

149. was gladdened last night by the sight of an English footballer

150. breaking free of the limpid tentacles of packed Mediterranean defence.

151. Good evening, Brian.

152. Were you surprised at the way the Italians

153. ceded midfield dominance so early on in the game?

154. Well, Brian...

155. I'm opening a boutique.

156. This is, of course, symptomatic of a new breed of footballer,

157. as it is indeed symptomatic of your whole genre of play, or is it not?

158. Good evening, Brian.

159. What I'm getting at, Jimmy, is you seem to have discovered a new concept

160. of the mode of which you dissected the Italian defence last night.

161. I hit the ball first time, and there it was in the back of the net.

162. Right. Do you think Jarrow will adopt a more defensive posture

163. for the first leg of the next tie in Turkey?

164. I hit the ball first time, and there it was in the back of the net.

165. Yes, yes, but have you any plans for dealing with

166. the free-scoring Turkish forwards?

167. Well, Brian...

168. I'm opening a boutique.

169. And now let's take a look at the state of play in the detective sketch.

170. Alself me to introlow mybody.

171. Cheeky. Oh, temper, temper.

172. Well, some of us don't like having men

173. crawling over us the whole time.

174. You need to take all the opportunities you can get, dear.

175. Unlike some people I could mention, I'm quite happily married, thank you.

176. Yes, I've seen you often, tethered up in the garden.

177. Hello, good evening and welcome to yet another edition of Interesting People.

178. And my first interesting person tonight

179. is the highly interesting Mr. Howard Stools from Kendal in Westmorland.

180. - Good evening, Mr. Stools. - Hello, David.

181. Mr. Stools, what makes you particularly interesting?

182. Well, I'm only half an inch long.

183. Well, that's extremely interesting.

184. Thank you for coming on the show tonight, Mr. Stools.

185. I don't think that was interesting, David. In fact—

186. Mr. Howard Stools from Kendal in Westmorland, half an inch long.

187. Our next guest tonight has come all the way from Egypt.

188. He's just flown into London today. He's Mr. Ali Bayan.

189. He's with us in the studio tonight and he's stark raving mad.

190. Mr. Ali Bayan, stark raving mad.

191. Now it's time for our music spot.

192. We turn the spotlight tonight on the Rachel Toovey Bicycle Choir...

193. With their fantastic arrangement of "Men of Harlech"

194. for bicycle bells only.

195. The Rachel Toovey Bicycle Choir.

196. Really interesting.

197. Remember, if you're interesting and want to appear on this programme,

198. write your name and address on your telephone number

199. and send it to this address:

200. Thank you, thank you. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

201. Now here's an interesting person.

202. Apart from being a full-time stapling machine,

203. he can also give a cat influenza.

204. Well, you can't get much more interesting than that, or can you?

205. With me now—

206. With me now is Mr. Thomas Walters of West Hartlepool,

207. who is totally invisible.

208. Good evening, Mr. Walters.

209. Over here, Hughie.

210. Mr. Walters, are you sure you're invisible?

211. Oh, yes, most certainly.

212. Well, Mr. Walters, what's it like being invisible?

213. Well, for a start, at the office where I work,

214. I can be sitting at my desk all day and the others totally ignore me.

215. At home, even though we are in the same room,

216. my wife does not speak to me for hours.

217. People pass me by in the street without a glance in my direction,

218. and I can walk into a room without—

219. Well, last week on Interesting People we met Mr. Oliver Cavendish who—

220. Even now, you yourself do hardly notice me—

221. Mr. Oliver Cavendish of Leicester,

222. who claims to be able to recite the entire Bible in one second

223. whilst being struck on the head with a large axe. Ho-ho, wow.

224. We've since discovered that he was a fraud. He did not—

225. Yes, a fraud. He did not, in fact, recite the entire Bible.

226. He merely recited the first two words, "In the...", before his death.

227. And now it's time for Interesting Sport.

228. And this week it's all-in cricket, live from the Municipal Baths, Croydon.

229. All-in cricket. Great, great.

230. With me now is Mr. Ken Dove,

231. twice voted most interesting man in Dorking.

232. Ken, I believe you're interested in shouting.

233. Yes, I'm interested in shouting, all right.

234. By Jove, you certainly hit the nail on the head

235. with that particular observation of yours, then.

236. What does your wife think of this? I agree with him.

237. Shut up!

238. At parties, for instance, people never come up to me.

239. I just sit there and everybody totally—

240. Now, that is Tiddles, I believe.

241. Yes, yes, this is Tiddles.

242. Yeah? And what does she do?

243. She flies across the studio and lands in a bucket of water.

244. By herself? No, I fling her.

245. Well, that's extremely interesting.

246. Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Don Savage and Tiddles.

247. Oh, I'm more interesting than a wet pussycat.

248. —for hour after hour after hour—

249. Yes, great. Well, now, for the first time on television, Interesting People

250. brings you a man who claims he can send bricks to sleep by hypnosis.

251. Mr. Keith Maniac from Guatemala. Good evening.

252. Keith, you claim you can send bricks to sleep.

253. Yes, that is correct. I can. Entirely by hypnosis.

254. Yes. I use no artificial means, whatsoever.

255. You've injured Mr. Stools.

256. I simply stare at the brick and it goes to sleep.

257. Well, we have a brick here, Keith.

258. Perhaps you can send it to sleep for us.

259. Oh, uh... Well, I'm afraid that is already asleep.

260. How do you know? Well, it's not moving.

261. I see. Have we got a moving brick?

262. Yes, we've got a moving brick, Keith. It's coming over now.

263. Now fast asleep. Very good. Very good, indeed.

264. Yes, it's all done with the eyes.

265. Yes, Mr. Keith Maniac from Guatemala.

266. Mr. Stools.

267. Speak to me, Howard.

268. And now, four tired undertakers.

269. We're interrupting this to take you back very quickly to the Jimmy Buzzard interview,

270. where we understand something exciting's just happened.

271. I've fallen off my chair, Brian.

272. Shh! I think my wife's beginning to suspect.

273. - You, shut up, up there! - What do you mean, shut up?

274. - You shut up! Be quiet! - Shut up!

275. Shut up! Shut your trap!

276. I apologize for that.

277. I think you'll find this a bit more interesting.

278. Good evening.

279. Tonight I want to examine the whole question

280. of 18th-century social legislation:

281. Its relevance to the hierarchical structure

282. of post-Renaissance society...

283. and its impact on the future of parochial organization

284. in an expanding agrarian economy.

285. But first, a bit of fun.

286. To put England's social legislation in a European context

287. is Professor Gert Van Der Whoops of the Rijksmuseum in The Hague.

288. In Holland in the early part of the 15th century,

289. there were three things important to social legislation.

290. One, rise of merchant classes.

291. Two, urbanization of craft guilds.

292. Three, declining moral values in age of increasing social betterment.

293. But first, a bit of fun.

294. Oh. And now, Professor R.J. Canning.

295. The cat sat on the mat.

296. And now, the Battle of Trafalgar.

297. Tonight we examine popular views of this great battle.

298. Was the Battle of Trafalgar fought in the Atlantic off southern Spain?

299. Or was it fought on dry land near Cudworth in Yorkshire?

300. Here is one man who thinks it was.

301. And here is his friend.

302. What makes you think the Battle of Trafalgar was fought near Cudworth?

303. Because Drake was too clever for the German fleet.

304. I beg your pardon?

305. I've forgotten what I said now.

306. Mr. Gumby's remarkable views have sparked off a wave of controversy

307. amongst his fellow historians.

308. Well, I think we should, uh,

309. reappraise our concept of the Battle of Trafalgar.

310. Well, well,

311. I agree with everything Mr. Gumby says.

312. Well, I think cement

313. is more interesting than people think.

314. One subject, four different views...

315. 12 and six in a plain wrapper.

316. The stuff of history is indeed woven in the woof.

317. Pearl Harbor.

318. There are pages in history's book

319. which are written on the grand scale.

320. Events so momentous that they dwarf man and time alike.

321. And such is the Battle of Pearl Harbor,

322. re-enacted for us now by the women of the Batley Townswomen's Guild.

323. Miss Fairbanks, you organized this reconstruction of the battle. Why?

324. Well, we've always been extremely interested in modern drama.

325. We were, of course, the first townswomen's guild

326. to perform Camp on Blood Island.

327. And last year, of course, we did

328. our extremely popular re-enactment of Nazi war atrocities.

329. So this year, we thought we'd like to do something in a lighter vein.

330. So you chose the Battle of Pearl Harbor?

331. Yes, that's right, we did.

332. Well, I can see you're all ready to go,

333. so I'll just wish you good luck in your latest venture.

334. Thank you very much, young man.

335. Ladies and gentlemen, The World of History is proud

336. to present the premiere of the Batley Townswomen's Guild

337. re-enactment of the Battle of Pearl Harbor.

338. The Battle of Pearl Harbor.

339. Incidentally, I'm sorry if I got a little bit shirty earlier on in the programme

340. when I kept getting interrupted by all these films and things that kept coming in, but I—

341. And so I said if it happened again, I'd get very angry and talk to Lord Hill and—

342. Tell Lord Hill.