Monty Python's Flying Circus 1x1

1. It's...

2. Monty Python's Flying Circus.

3. Good evening.

4. Hello again, and welcome to the show.

5. Tonight we continue to look at some famous deaths.

6. Tonight we start with the wonderful death

7. of Genghis Khan, conqueror of India.

8. Take it away, Genghis.

9. Ah!

10. Nine-point-one, 9.3, 9. 1.

11. That's 28. 1 for Genghis Khan.

12. Bad luck, Genghis.

13. Nice to have you on the show.

14. And now, here are the scores.

15. Well, there you can see the scores, now.

16. St. Stephen in the lead there, with his stoning.

17. Then comes King Richard III at Bosworth Field.

18. A grand death, that.

19. Then the very lovely Jean d'Arc.

20. Then Marat in his bath.

21. Best of friends with Charlotte in the showers afterwards.

22. Then A. Lincoln of the U.S. of A. A grand little chap, that.

23. And at number six, Genghis Khan.

24. And the back marker, King Edward VII.

25. Back to you, Wolfgang.

26. Thank you, Eddie.

27. And now, time for this week's request death.

28. For Mr. and Mrs. Violet Stebbings of 23 Wolverston Road, Hull,

29. the death of Mr. Bruce Foster of Guildford.

30. Strewth!

31. Argh!

32. Oh, blimey, how time flies.

33. Sadly, we are reaching the end of yet another program

34. and so it is finale time.

35. We are proud to be bringing to you

36. one of the evergreen bucket-kickers.

37. Yes, the wonderful death

38. of the famous English Admiral Nelson.

39. Kiss me, Hardy!

40. Good evening, everyone,

41. and welcome to the second of our Italian language classes

42. in which we'll be helping you brush up your Italian.

43. Now, last week we started at the beginning

44. and we learned the Italian for "a spoon."

45. Now, I wonder how many of you can remember what it was.

46. Not all at once. Sit down, Mario. Giuseppe.

47. Well done, Giuseppe.

48. Or, as the Italians would say:

49. Well, now, this week

50. we're going to learn some useful phrases

51. to help us open a conversation with an Italian.

52. Now, first of all, try telling him where you come from.

53. For example, I would say:

54. I am an Englishman from Gerrards Cross.

55. Shall we all try that together?

56. Not too bad. Now let's try it with somebody else.

57. Mr...? Mariolini.

58. Mr. Mariolini. And where are you from?

59. Napoli, signor.

60. You're Italian? Si. Si, Si.

61. Well, in that case, you would say:

62. Yes?

63. I'm sorry, I don't understand.

64. Signor, my friend, he say, why—?

65. Oh, Helmut, you want the German classes.

66. My friend, he say—

67. He say, why must I say, "I am Italian from Napoli"

68. when he lives in Milan?

69. Oh. Well, tell your friend

70. if he lives in Milan, he must say:

71. He say, "Milan is better than Napoli."

72. He shouldn't be saying that. We haven't done comparatives yet.

73. Yes, mothers, new, improved Whizzo butter

74. containing 10 percent more or less is absolutely indistinguishable from a dead crab.

75. Remember, buy Whizzo butter and go to heaven.

76. I can't tell the difference between Whizzo butter and this dead crab.

77. Yes, you know, we find that nine out of 10 British housewives

78. can't tell the difference between Whizzo butter and a dead crab.

79. It's true, we can't. Yeah, we can't.

80. No. Here.

81. You're on television, aren't you?

82. Yes, yes.

83. Oh, yes. Yes.

84. He does that thing with those silly women

85. who can't tell the difference between Whizzo butter and a dead crab.

86. You try that around here, young man, and we'll slit your face.

87. Yeah.

88. Pull a razor from there to there.

89. Hello, good evening, and welcome to another edition of It's the Arts.

90. And we kick off tonight with the cinema.

91. Good evening. One of the most prolific of film producers of this age,

92. or indeed any age

93. is Sir Edward Ross

94. back in this country for the first time for five years

95. to open a season of his works at the National Film Theatre.

96. We are very fortunate to have him with us here, in the studio, this evening.

97. Good evening. Edward—

98. You don't mind if I call you Edward? No, not at all.

99. It does worry some people. I don't know why. Perhaps they're a little sensitive.

100. So I do take the precaution of asking on these occasions.

101. No, no, no. That's fine.

102. So Edward's all right. Splendid. Splendid.

103. I'm sorry to have brought it up, only.

104. No, no. Edward it is.

105. Well, thank you very much indeed for being so helpful.

106. Only it's more than my job's worth to—

107. Quite. Yes. Makes it rather difficult

108. to establish a rapport, to put the other person at their ease.

109. Quite. Silly little point but it seems to matter.

110. Still, less said, the better.

111. Um, Ted, when you first started in—

112. You don't mind if I call you Ted? No, no, no.

113. No, no. Everyone calls me Ted. Good, good.

114. It's shorter, isn't it? Yes, yes.

115. Yes, and much less formal. Yes, Ted, Edward, anything.

116. Splendid, splendid. Incidentally, do call me Tom.

117. I don't want you playing around with any of this "Thomas" nonsense.

118. Now, um, where were we? Oh, yes.

119. Eddie-baby, when you first started— I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

120. I'm sorry, I don't like being called "Eddie-baby."

121. I'm sorry? I don't like being called "Eddie-baby."

122. Did I call you "Eddie-baby"? Yes, you did.

123. Now, get on with it.

124. Don't think I called you "Eddie-baby." You did call me "Eddie-baby."

125. - Did I call him "Eddie-baby?" - Yes!

126. - Yes. - No.

127. I didn't really call you "Eddie-baby," did I, sweetie?

128. Don't call me sweetie.

129. Can I call you sugar plum? No.

130. Pussycat? No.

131. Angel drawers? No, you may not.

132. Now get on with it. Frank?

133. What? Can I call you Frank?

134. Why Frank? It's a nice name.

135. Robin Day's got a hedgehog called Frank.

136. Now, Frank— What's going on?

137. Frannie. Little Frannie. Frannie Knickers.

138. No. I'm leaving. I'm leaving. I'm off. Frannie Knickers.

139. Um, tell us about your latest film, Sir Edward.

140. What? Tell us about your latest film,

141. if you'll be so kind, Sir Edward.

142. None of this "pussycat" nonsense?

143. Promise. Please, Sir Edward.

144. My latest film? Yes, Sir Edward.

145. Well, the idea, funnily enough,

146. came from an idea I had when I first joined the industry in 1919.

147. Of course, in those days I was only a tea boy.

148. Oh, shut up.

149. Sir Edward Ross.

150. Now, later in the program, we will bring you

151. a unique event in the world of modern art.

152. Pablo Picasso will be doing a special painting for us

153. on this program, live, on a bicycle.

154. This is the first time that Picasso has painted while cycling.

155. But right now, it's time to look at a man whose meteoric rise to fame—

156. Last week, the Royal Festival Hall

157. saw the first performance of a new symphony

158. by one of the world's leading modern composers,

159. Arthur "Two Sheds" Jackson.

160. Mr. Jackson— Good evening.

161. May I just sidetrack you for one moment, Mr. Jackson?

162. This, uh— What shall I call it?

163. —Nickname of yours.

164. Oh, yes. "Two Sheds."

165. Yes. How did you come by it?

166. Well, I don't use it myself.

167. It's just a few of my friends call me "Two Sheds."

168. I see. And do you, in fact, have two sheds?

169. No. No, I have only one shed. I've had one for some time.

170. But a few years ago, I said I was thinking of getting another one,

171. and since then, some people have called me "Two Sheds."

172. In spite of the fact that you have only one?

173. Yes. I see.

174. And are you thinking of purchasing a second shed?

175. No. To bring you in line with your epithet?

176. No. I see, I see.

177. Well, let's return to your symphony.

178. Now then, did you write this symphony in the shed?

179. No.

180. Have you written any of your recent works in this shed of yours?

181. No. It's just a perfectly ordinary garden shed.

182. I see.

183. And you're thinking of buying this second shed to write in.

184. No, no. Look. This shed business, it doesn't really matter at all.

185. The sheds aren't important.

186. It's just a few friends call me "Two Sheds,"

187. and that's all there is to it.

188. I wish you'd ask me about my music. I'm a composer.

189. People always ask about the sheds. They've got it out of proportion.

190. I'm fed up with the shed. I wish I'd never got it in the first place.

191. I expect you're probably thinking of selling one.

192. I will sell one.

193. Then you'd be Arthur "No Sheds" Jackson.

194. Look, forget about the sheds. They don't matter.

195. Mr. Jackson, I think, with respect, we ought to talk about your symphony.

196. What? Apparently, your symphony

197. was written for organ and tympani.

198. What's that? What's what?

199. It's a shed. Get it off.

200. All right. Right.

201. Now then, Mr. Jackson, your symphony.

202. I understand that you used to be interested in trainspotting.

203. What?

204. I understand that about 30 years ago, you were extremely interested in trainspotting.

205. What's that got to do with my bloody music?

206. Are you having any trouble from him? Yes, a little.

207. Well, we interviewers are more than a match for the likes of you, Two Sheds.

208. Yes, make yourself scarce, Two Sheds.

209. This studio isn't big enough for the three of us.

210. Get your own arts program, you fairy.

211. Arthur "Two Sheds" Jackson.

212. - Never mind, Timmy. - Michael, you're such a comfort.

213. Arthur "Two Sheds."

214. Jackson.

215. And now for more news of the momentous artistic event

216. when Picasso is doing a specially commissioned painting for us

217. whilst riding a bicycle.

218. Pablo Picasso, the founder of modern art—

219. Without doubt, the greatest abstract painter ever.

220. —For the first time painting in motion.

221. But first, let's have a look at the route he'll be taking.

222. Well, Picasso will be starting, David, at Chichester here.

223. He'll then cycle on the A29 to Fontwell.

224. He'll then take the A272,

225. which will bring him onto the A3, just north of Hindhead here.

226. From then on, Pablo has a straight run on the A3

227. until he meets the South Circular at Battersea here.

228. This is a truly remarkable occasion

229. as it is the first time that a modern artist of such stature

230. has taken the A272.

231. And it'll be very interesting to see how he copes

232. with the heavy traffic round Wisborough Green. Vicky.

233. Well, Picasso will be riding his Viking Super Roadster

234. with drop handlebars and dual-thread wheel rims.

235. And with his Wiley-Prat 20-1 synchro-mesh,

236. he should experience difficulties on the road surfaces

237. they just don't get abroad. Mitzie.

238. Now, for the latest report on Picasso's progress,

239. over to Reg Moss on the Guildford bypass.

240. Well, there's no sign of Picasso at the moment, David,

241. but he should be through here at any moment.

242. However, I do have with me Mr. Ron Geppo,

243. British cycling sprint champion and this year's winner of the Derby-Doncaster rally.

244. Well, Reg, I think Pablo should be all right, provided he doesn't attempt anything

245. on the monumental scale of some of his earlier paintings,

246. like Guernica or Les Demoiselles d'Avignon,

247. or even his later War and Peace mural for the Temple of Peace chapel at Vallauris.

248. Because with this strong headwind,

249. I don't think even Doug Timpson of Manchester Harriers

250. could paint anything on that kind of scale.

251. Well, thank you, Ron.

252. Well, there still seems to be no sign of Picasso,

253. so I'll hand you back to the studio.

254. Well, we've just heard that Picasso's approaching the Tolworth roundabout on the A3,

255. so come in, Sam Trench at Tolworth.

256. Something certainly is happening here at Tolworth roundabout.

257. I can now see Picasso.

258. He's cycling towards the roundabout, about 75, 50 yards away.

259. And I can now see his painting. It's an abstract.

260. I can see some blue, some purple. Some little, black oval shapes.

261. I think I can see— That's not Picasso, that's Kandinsky.

262. Good Lord, you're right. It's Kandinsky. Wassily Kandinsky.

263. And who's this here with him? It's Braque.

264. Georges Braque, the cubist,

265. painting a bird in flight over a cornfield and going very fast downhill towards Kingston.

266. And Piet Mondrian just behind. Piet Mondrian, the neoplasticist.

267. Then a gap, then the main bunch. Here they come.

268. Chagall, Max Ernst, Mirb, Dufy, Ben Nicholson, Jackson Pollock

269. and Bernard Buffet, making a break on the outside here.

270. Brancusi's going with him. So is Gericault,

271. Ferdinand Leger, Delaunay, de Kooning.

272. Kokoschka's dropping back here by a little bit

273. and so is Paul Klee dropping back a bit.

274. And right at the back of this group, our very own Kurt Schwitters.

275. But as yet, He's German.

276. Absolutely no sign of Pablo Picasso.

277. And so, from Tolworth roundabout, back to the studio.

278. Well, I think I can help you there.

279. We're getting reports in from the AA that Picasso—

280. Picasso has fallen off. He's fallen off his bicycle

281. on the B2127, just outside Ewhurst

282. trying to get a shortcut to Dorking via Gomslake and Peashall.

283. Well, Picasso is reported to be unhurt, but the pig has a slight headache.

284. And on that note, we must say good night to you.

285. Picasso has failed in his first bid for international cycling fame.

286. So from all of us here at the It's the Arts studio, it's good night.

287. Good night.

288. Hold it.

289. Sit up.

290. Sit up.

291. Sit up.

292. Sit up.

293. Argh!

294. Ah!

295. Shh. There's somebody out there.

296. Huh?

297. Help! Help me! I'm trapped in this body.

298. Oh, please, help me out. Ah!

299. Help me! Oh, please, help me out!

300. I'm free! I'm free! I'm free!

301. Just checking. Just checking.

302. Oh, no, you don't.

303. Oh!

304. There's somebody out there.

305. Ooh!

306. Thompson's bought it, sir.

307. Porker, eh? The swine.

308. This man is Ernest Scribbler, writer of jokes.

309. In a few moments, he will have written the funniest joke in the world.

310. And as a consequence, he will die laughing.

311. It was obvious that this joke was lethal.

312. No one could read it and live.

313. This morning, shortly after 11:00,

314. comedy struck this little house in Dibley Road.

315. Sudden, violent comedy.

316. Police have sealed off the area

317. and Scotland Yard's crack inspector is with me now.

318. I shall enter the house and attempt to remove the joke.

319. I shall be aided by the sound of sombre music

320. played on gramophone records

321. and also by the chanting of laments by the men of Q Division.

322. The atmosphere thus created should protect me

323. in the eventuality of me reading the joke.

324. Well, there goes a brave man.

325. Whether he comes out alive or not, this will surely be remembered

326. as one of the most courageous and gallant acts in police history.

327. Oh!

328. It was not long before the army became interested

329. in the military potential of the killer joke.

330. Under top security, the joke was hurried

331. to a meeting of Allied commanders at the Ministry of War.

332. Top brass were impressed.

333. Tests on Salisbury Plain confirmed the joke's devastating effectiveness

334. at a range of up to 50 yards.

335. Fantastic. Fantastic.

336. All through the winter of '43,

337. we had translators working in joke-proof conditions

338. to try and produce a German version of the joke.

339. They worked on one word each, for greater safety.

340. One of them saw two words of the joke and spent several weeks in hospital.

341. But apart from that, things went pretty quickly.

342. And we soon had the joke, by January,

343. in a form which our troops couldn't understand

344. but which the Germans could.

345. So on July 8th, 1944,

346. the joke was first told to the enemy in the Ardennes.

347. Squad, get the joke.

348. Squad, tell the joke.

349. It was a fantastic success.

350. Over 60,000 times as powerful as Britain's great pre-war joke

351. and one which Hitler just couldn't match.

352. In action, it was deadly.

353. German casualties were appalling.

354. What is the big joke?

355. I can only give you name, rank

356. and "Why did the chicken cross the road?"

357. That's not funny!

358. I want to know the joke.

359. All right.

360. How do you make a Nazi cross?

361. I don't know. How do you make a Nazi cross?

362. Tread on his corns.

363. That's not funny!

364. Now, if you don't tell me the joke,

365. I shall hit you properly.

366. I can stand physical pain, you know.

367. Ah, you're no fun.

368. All right, Otto.

369. Oh, no. No, anything but that. Please, no.

370. All right. I'll tell you.

371. Quick, Otto, the typewriter.

372. That's not funny!

373. But at Peenemfinde, in autumn of '44,

374. the Germans were working on a joke of their own.

375. We let you know.

376. But by December, their joke was ready.

377. And Hitler gave the order for the German V-Joke

378. to be broadcast in English.

379. There were zwei peanuts walking down the straBe,

380. and one was a salted peanut.

381. In 1945, peace broke out.

382. It was the end of the joke.

383. Joke warfare was banned at a special session of the Geneva Convention,

384. and in 1950, the last remaining copy of the joke

385. was laid to rest here, in the Berkshire countryside,

386. never to be told again.

387. And here is the final score:

388. Pigs, 9, British bipeds, 4.

389. The pigs go on to meet Vikki Carr in the final.