1. Riley Morton coming up now.
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2. Kelly at second.
Started the inning with a double.
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3. That seems like an hour ago.
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4. - Honey, I thought you were
gonna take out the garbage.
- I am.
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5. High fly to right.
Hooking, hooking- Foul.
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6. - Phil.
- Yes. Getting it.
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7. Good guys trail 3-2,
last of the ninth,
one out-
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8. I was- I was gonna get it.
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9. Dylan.
Hey, Mrs. Dunphy.
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10. Um, I'm just waiting
for Haley.
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11. Did you ring the bell?
I texted.
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12. She said she'd be down
in just a minute.
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13. Oh, great.
Tell her I said "Hi."
I will.
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14. Dylan! D-Money!
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15. Chillin' with
Dylan the villain!
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16. "D" to the "Y" to the-
Hey, Mr. Dunphy.
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17. Hey! Come on in.
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18. You're just in time to catch
the end of the game.
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19. Oh, I'm not really
a baseball guy.
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20. Haley says "Hi."
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21. I was just being facetious.
Come on.
I'll catch you up.
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22. - Sit it. Park it.
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23. Come on. I don't bite.
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24. Kidding.
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25. I'm kidding.
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26. Okay. See that guy?
He's the tying run.
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27. Interesting story about him.
He's been stuck
on second base forever,
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28. and I'm pretty sure he's
gonna try and steal third,
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29. which is just
a terrible, terrible idea.
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30. How are you and Haley doing?
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31. I wish I could stay home
with you and fly toy airplanes.
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32. These aren't toy airplanes,
Manny. These are models,
and they're very complicated.
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33. You wanna fly one of these,
you gotta be familiar with airfoil,
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34. drag, lift and thrust-
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35. and these are all principles
of aerodynamics.
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36. The box says "12 and up."
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37. What?
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38. You can fly toy planes
with Jay next time.
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39. Today you have to spend
time with Luke.
Why?
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40. Because his mother
invited you, so you go.
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41. Family needs to be close.
Right, Jay?
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42. I'm pretty sure this is a typo.
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43. Men need their hobbies.
Manny's father had many hobbies.
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44. Like hiking in the desert,
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45. that kind of skiing that
they drop you from the-
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46. How do you say in English?
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47. Helicopter.
Yes.
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48. Once, on a dare, he even
boxed with an alligator.
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49. "Wrestle." You wrestle-
You can't box with alligators.
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50. Are you sure?
How would they get the gloves
on those little claws?
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51. Aren't they like
tiny little hands?
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52. No!
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53. Okay, now I forgot
what we're talking about.
Anyways,
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54. hobbies are important
for the men,
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55. whether you're risking
your life...
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56. or flying little planes
from a safe distance.
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57. Wait, wait, wait.
What are you doing?
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58. Uh, we're just gonna
buy some diapers.
It'll just take a second.
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59. This is Costco.
Yeah, which is where
we buy diapers.
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60. Since when?
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61. Do you remember
when we adopted that
baby a few months back?
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62. Since then.
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63. Mitchell is a snob.
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64. No. N-No, I-I'm discerning.
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65. Official slogan for snobs.
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66. When we first met,
he wouldn't even
look at me...
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67. because I was a hick
from the farm in Missouri,
and he's a big city mouse.
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68. Who says "city mouse"?
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69. Country mice.
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70. Ground ball to short.
Sanchez-
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71. I think I'm gonna go
wait in the car.
Okay.
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72. - Hey, if you're on your way out,
can you grab the garbage?
- I got it.
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73. - Okay. We got it.
- So, one out left-
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74. - He's a little jumpy.
- Oh, go figure-
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75. a teenage boy doesn't
want to hang out with
his girlfriend's dad.
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76. Thought we were past all that.
I'm all about-
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77. I'm all about taking it
to the next level.
Really?
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78. Thought you were all about
keeping it real.
Yes.
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79. But the whole point of
keeping it real is so you can
take it to the next level.
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80. - Did you really not know that?
- You haven't exactly taken it
to the next level with my dad.
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81. What are you talking about?
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82. We've been married for 16 years,
and you still walk
on eggshells around him.
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83. What? Are you kidding?
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84. Jay and I are total buds.
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85. You-You want
to just hang out?
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86. Brought six friends,
so that just-
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87. That's-
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88. ? Hey, hey?
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89. ? Hey, hey
Hey, hey?
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90. ? Hey, hey
Hey?
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91. Manny brought his favorite
game to play with Luke.
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92. It's called Empire.
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93. You use strategy
to expand territories
and take over the world.
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94. Luke is gonna love that.
He's out back playing.
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95. Do you need me
to get you something
while I'm out shopping?
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96. That's such a nice offer,
but I think we're good. Thanks.
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97. Okay. What about this?
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98. You don't even say "Hello"
to Gloria and Manny?
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99. Hi, Gloria and Manny.
Okay, Mom, what about this?
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100. No. You're wearing a dress.
Mom, come on.
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101. What? It's gonna kill you
to look like a girl
for one afternoon?
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102. But it's a wedding
for some friend of yours
I never even heard of.
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103. It's non-negotiable.
You can borrow a dress
of Haley's again.
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104. No. That sends an ugly message-
that I'm Haley.
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105. You know, instead of trying
to force me to wear a dress,
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106. why don't you worry about
getting Luke to wear some pants?
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107. What? Why does he do this?
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108. Luke!
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109. Pants! Come on!
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110. Jay and I are buds,
for sure-
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111. but with kind of, um,
an invisible asterisk.
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112. Um, he's not, uh-
He's not a talker.
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113. Or-Or a huger.
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114. Once he ran over
my foot with his car.
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115. To-To be fair, he had
just given up smoking,
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116. but basically
we're-we're buds.
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117. Do you have to
just stand there?
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118. You're making me feel uneasy.
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119. Oh.
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120. Oh, for God's sake. Sit here. Here.
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121. Hold this wing like this
while I adjust this.
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122. Okay.
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123. Come on. Here.
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124. Not too hard.
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125. Alex, why don't you
come shopping with me?
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126. Maybe I can help you find
something that you like.
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127. That's a really nice offer,
but it's not really her thing.
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128. Actually,
I'd love to go.
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129. See, you don't know
what my thing is.
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130. You have no idea
what my thing is.
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131. I know what your thing is.
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132. Your thing is to provoke,
just like your sister's thing...
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133. is to never come out of her room,
and your brother's thing-
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134. Well, there's
your brother's thing.
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135. Luke! Put 'em on!
Mm-hmm.
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136. The thing about me and Jay
is our relationship's...
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137. always been stuck in that,
um- that primal place
where it started.
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138. You know,
he's the old silverback
protecting his females,
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139. then along comes this younger,
stronger gorilla swinging in,
beating his chest.
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140. You know, naturally,
the ape ladies come running,
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141. presenting their nice
scarlet behinds.
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142. Papa ape wants to stop
all that, but he can't.
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143. You know?
That's-That's life.
I'm not the enemy.
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144. The enemy is poachers.
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145. That'll do it.
Don't touch it.
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146. All right.
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147. You wanna go fly it?
Sure.
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148. Oh. Hey, I got the toothpaste
and the soap.
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149. Good. Now we can open
that general store.
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150. I thought we were just
here to get diapers.
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151. We had a saying on the farm:
As long as you're bringing
the mule to the market, you-
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152. I feel you rolling
your eyes at me.
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153. We met at one of Pepper's
legendary game nights.
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154. I remember Mitchell because
he kept rolling his eyes...
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155. every time I would get
a little boisterous.
I did not.
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156. A little bit.
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157. Yeah, maybe a little bit.
Anyway, we were-
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158. we were playing charades,
and I had no idea
how to act out my clue.
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159. And all I could think of
to do was-
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160. And without missing a beat,
Cam says-
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161. Casablanca.
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162. All I did was this-
Casablanca.
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163. Casablanca.
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164. Can we just
please get the diapers
and get out of here?
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165. Fine, but I wanna stop
by the wine section first.
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166. Wait. There's a wine section?
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167. Yeah, a really good one-
just past the tires.
No way.
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168. They do not have-
Oh, my God.
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169. Oh, my- Cam. Cam.
The paper shredder I wanted.
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170. Huh?
Confetti and crosscut.
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171. Yep.
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172. Oh, my God. Amazing.
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173. Yeah.
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174. Cam, what is this place?
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175. Those cookies
smell like heaven.
Your own recipe?
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176. No, I just throw 'em
in the oven.
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177. And added the secret
ingredient of caring?
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178. Sure.
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179. So, you and Luke
having a good time?
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180. I don't know.
He won't come out of his box.
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181. Maybe I'll just stay here
and spend some time
with my sister.
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182. Oh, right. I guess
technically I would be
your stepsister.
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183. My mother says we are never
to use the word "step"
because it means "not real."
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184. And we are a real family.
Mmm.
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185. So what is the matter, Claire?
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186. - What?
- You seem sad.
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187. It's just stuff with Alex.
You know, kid stuff.
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188. Kids.
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189. You don't have to tell me.
My school is full of them.
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190. I was thinking after lunch
we can go and do
a little shopping.
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191. I'm not getting a dress.
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192. I don't care.
I'm not your mother.
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193. I know.
You're my grandmother.
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194. Step-grandmother.
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195. Anyways, today,
think of me as a girlfriend.
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196. Two girls out
for an afternoon of fun.
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197. What do you usually do
with your girlfriends?
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198. I don't know. We go out.
We talk, drink wine.
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199. Can I drink wine?
No.
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200. Some friend.
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201. Well, you can still
talk to me about anything.
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202. Yeah, adults always say that,
but they don't mean it.
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203. When my mom says
I can ask her anything,
I really can't.
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204. She just freaks out.
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205. I won't freak out.
Shoot.
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206. Okay.
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207. How many men
have you slept with?
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208. Eight. Next.
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209. Now can I try it?
No.
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210. I should get one of those.
I've always loved planes.
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211. If things had gone
a little differently in my life,
I think I would have been a pilot.
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212. Hey, what would happen
if you turned the remote off
and then back on real fast?
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213. Yeah, you'd have been
a great pilot.
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214. So, can you do a-
Can you do a loop-de-loop?
If I wanted to.
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215. No way!
Can I try it?
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216. No.
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217. I can see why you like this.
It's so peaceful.
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218. It's like the whole world just...
disappears out here.
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219. I remember
this one summer-
I'll tell you what.
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220. There's another trick called
"threading the needle."
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221. I used to do it with Claire
and Mitch when they were kids.
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222. You wanna try it?
How's it go?
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223. You grab one of those
hoops over there...
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224. and go to the far, far,
far end of the field...
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225. and stand there,
and I fly the plane through it.
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226. Um, that sounds awesome!
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227. And then I get a chance flying it?
No.
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228. Okay.
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229. How's this?
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230. Not far enough.
Go on.
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231. - Okay. Further down.
- You can't go too far.
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232. Right.
Okay, I get it. I get it.
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233. How's this?
Good.
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234. Now stand still.
Don't move.
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235. Okay, let's do it.
Whoo!
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236. Whoo! I love it!
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237. I love... it!
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238. You drove a plane
into my face.
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239. You must have moved.
I told you to stay still.
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240. I didn't move.
Try not to talk.
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241. I want to make sure
nothing's broken.
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242. Alex and I can't just disagree.
I mean, she has to turn
everything into a fight.
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243. Hmm. A strong,
independent woman.
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244. Sounds like
somebody else I know.
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245. I was never hostile though.
I mean, this whole thing
with the dress-
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246. Never had this
problem with Haley.
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247. Maybe Alex doesn't want to
compete with her big sister.
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248. Maybe she's trying to
create her own identity.
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249. Put her in a dress,
and she disappears.
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250. For one afternoon?
I wouldn't give up being
myself for even one second.
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251. Wow.
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252. Sometimes it's hard to remember
you're only 10 years old.
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253. And three-quarters.
Yeah.
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254. Hello?
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255. Hey, it's Mitchell.
Do you guys eat olives?
Olives?
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256. Really good olives?
Yeah.
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257. You got it.
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258. Mitchell, I found the diapers.
They're over here.
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259. Cameron,
guess what I found?
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260. Coffins.
They sell baby formula
and they sell coffins.
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261. You can buy literally
buy everything you need
from birth to death.
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262. Oh, my God.
Look at these diapers.
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263. Look how cheap they are!
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264. Oh. You know what we should do?
We should get enough for
the next year or two, right?
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265. Where would we keep them?
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266. They sell sheds.
Really? You want to
buy a diaper shed?
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267. We're those guys now?
The guys with a diaper shed?
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268. Just grab two more.
I'm not grabbing two more,
Mitchell. It's time to go.
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269. Come on, come on.
We need, uh-
Hey, excuse me.
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270. Where did you get that
flatbed thing?
Over there.
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271. Go grab one of those.
Really?
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272. Yeah. Get two.
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273. I'm in the applesauce aisle.
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274. So, anyways, after charades,
we went out for coffee.
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275. And I learned that he loves art.
He plays the piano.
He speaks French.
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276. Un peu.
You see?
I-I misjudged him.
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277. Yeah, I'm sort of
like Costco.
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278. I'm big, I'm not fancy,
and I dare you
to not like me.
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279. Yeah, and I'm kinda
more like that, um-
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280. What is the name of that little
shop we went to in Paris?
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281. You are such a snob.
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282. Casablanca.
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283. I have a small flower
on my ankle...
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284. and a tiny little butterfly
on my... thigh.
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285. How high up?
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286. Pretty high.
Did you do it
to look sexy?
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287. No- Did you do it for a guy?
Does Grandpa like it?
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288. No, no and yes.
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289. That's gross.
Mmm.
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290. Let's go back
to your piercings.
No, no, no.
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291. I've answered enough of your questions.
Now it's your turn to answer one.
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292. What is it?
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293. Why you don't want
to wear a dress?
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294. Because I don't want
to look like Haley
and her stupid friends.
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295. I wear dresses
and I don't look like Haley.
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296. You are Haley,
just 40 years older.
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297. Ten.
Twenty.
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298. Deal. Alex, why are you
fighting me on this?
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299. Just- It doesn't matter
if I dress up. I'm not
pretty like Haley and you.
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300. That's ridiculous!
You're beautiful.
I'm not.
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301. But that's okay.
I'm the smart one.
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302. Mmm. The cute busboy
doesn't know that you're smart.
What?
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303. He's been smiling at you every
time he comes to the table.
He does not!
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304. Why do you think we are
the only people with bread?
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305. Look. One day you're going to
want to date a cute guy like that.
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306. And when that day comes,
you're going to want to look beautiful,
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307. and then you'll wear a dress.
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308. So, you ever
kiss another girl?
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309. That's no way to talk
to your grandmother.
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310. Was my mom hard on me
growing up? Yeah, she was.
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311. But you know what? Back then
everything was Betty Friedan
and Gloria Steinem.
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312. They didn't understand-
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313. ¡Hola! We're back.
- Hello.
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314. Hey, how'd it go?
It was great.
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315. - Did you have fun with Luke?
- Well, not-
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316. We had a great time.
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317. Alex, I've been thinking, and...
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318. if you don't want to wear
a dress to the wedding,
it's not the end of the world.
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319. It's all right.
I bought one.
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320. Do you see
how she has to provoke me?
We'll talk about it next week.
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321. Claire!
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322. Clear the way.
Coming through.
Ow!
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323. Coming through.
Easy. Easy, fella.
Ow!
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324. I need to rest my face.
You're fine.
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325. You'll be all right.
Hang on.
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326. Oh, my God!
Get the door.
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327. Ah!
Dad?
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328. Little accident.
Nothing big.
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329. I was in a plane crash.
What happened?
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330. We were threading the needle,
and somebody moved.
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331. - No, I didn't.
You did it on purpose.
- That's the painkiller talking.
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332. He's a little loopy.
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333. How bad is it?
Well, the wing
is cracked,
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334. - the propeller's bent,
but I can- I can-
- I mean Phil.
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335. I was in a plane crash.
Thanks, Dad.
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336. I didn't ask him to be there.
He insisted.
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337. He took a chance.
This is what happened.
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338. - Kind of like the time
you ran over his foot.
- You ran over his foot?
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339. That was an accident.
You know, Dad,
you did it on purpose.
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340. - We all saw the tire marks
on the lawn.
- I had just quit smoking.
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341. See, you're upsetting
your husband.
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342. Water.
I'll get it.
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343. Ay. You okay?
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344. Gloria!
Thank God you're here.
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345. Don't worry.
I'm here too.
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346. Who's this?
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347. Wasn't my fault.
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348. I have seen you thread
the needle a million times.
You never miss.
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349. Yeah. I must be getting old.
Why don't you just admit it?
You never liked Phil.
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350. Put that down.
You do not get a cookie.
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351. I like Phil.
It's just that sometimes
he tries too hard, you know?
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352. And it's just kind of-
irritating.
Copy !req
353. Okay, maybe he tries too hard
because you make
zero effort with him.
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354. You know what?
In the 16 years that
we've been married,
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355. have you one time told him
that you liked him?
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356. Not in those
exact words, no.
No.
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357. Not in any words, Dad.
How do you think
that makes me feel?
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358. You've never told
your son that you love him?
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359. Whoa, whoa.
When did we jump to love?
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360. And he's technically
not my son.
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361. Ah. So that means that you
don't love Manny either?
Sure, I do.
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362. I mean, believe me,
when I was in that park,
I really wished Manny was there.
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363. For what? So that
you could fly the plane
into his head? Huh?
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364. Dad, thanks so much
for bringing Phil home.
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365. I found one of your little
flaps in his hair. So-
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366. Actually, this is
called an aileron.
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367. It controls the horizontal-
Because that's
what matters right now.
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368. Bye, Dad.
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369. - Hey, Phil.
- Jay.
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370. What are you,
made of china?
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371. Phil, I just want you
to know I'm sorry.
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372. And whether I, uh,
missed or you moved-
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373. I didn't.
Either way.
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374. I just want to say
that I like you.
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375. Really?
Yeah.
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376. What do you like about me?
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377. You're a nice guy.
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378. Try real hard.
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379. I do.
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380. And you're a good dad.
Hey, I'm a good dad.
Come here.
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381. Come here, you.
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382. This feels so right.
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383. What's going on?
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384. There was a little accident,
but Jay's telling Phil
how much he loves him.
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385. Oh. Well, that's nice
for Phil.
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386. That's great,
since he's never said anything
like that to my boyfriend.
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387. - Let it go.
- No, it's not okay.
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388. No, Mitch is right.
Go in there too, Cam.
Come on.
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389. You're kidding.
Okay.
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390. - Jay!
- I'm gonna get this.
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391. Come on in, Cam.
Just a little hug.
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392. - Get in here.
- Say it.
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393. - Whoa! Hey, hey, hey!
- Say it! Say it!
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394. I like you too, Cam.
Aw!
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395. What do you like
about him?
Oh, geez.
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396. Where did you get
that camera?
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397. Only the greatest store
on earth.
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398. Thanks, Dad.
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399. Manny, picture!
Get in there too.
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400. Get in here, mi amigo.
Oh!
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401. Stay still.
Say "cheese."
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402. Don't push it.
Cheese!
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403. Picture.
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404. Cheese!
Cheese. Queso.
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405. Oh, boy!
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406. Doesn't it feel like these arms
could go around the world?
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407. I think I strained something.
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408. I always wanted a daughter-
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409. to dress her up
in pretty dresses,
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410. do her hair,
her nails, her makeup.
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411. No one knows this, but for
the first year of his life,
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412. I made up Manny like a girl
and told everybody
that he was my daughter.
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413. Ay, but just
for a few times.
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414. I didn't want to mess
with his head.
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415. When he found the pictures,
I told him that it was
his twin sister who died.
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