1. Aloha, Lily.
Aloha. Oh, wait.
Let's do it one more time.
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2. The doggy was blocking
her face.
Yeah, go back.
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3. No. No! No. We're not
doing it a third time.
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4. There she is-
the prettiest white woman
on Maui. Milady.
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5. Actually, Claire and I
were supposed to go to Hawaii
for our honeymoon.
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6. Mm-hmm.
But something else came up.
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7. I got pregnant with Haley.
My bad!
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8. We didn't even have
a proper wedding.
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9. We just went down to
the courthouse on a Tuesday.
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10. The judge sentenced me to life
with no chance of parole.
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11. You begged me to marry you.
It's true. I did.
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12. Oh! Hold on, my bride.
Allow me!
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13. What are you doing?
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14. Being romantic.
God, you're solid.
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15. Sweetie, put me down.
Go on. Okay.
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16. Honey, come on.
Let's turn this vacation
into a honeymoon.
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17. Sweet pea, I'm a mom
traveling with my kids.
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18. For me, this is not a vacation.
It's a business trip. Let's go.
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19. Ah!
Wow!
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20. This'll do.
It's beautiful.
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21. Aloha!
Hi!
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22. Welcome to
the Four Seasons Maui.
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23. What do you think, Manny?
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24. I'm home.
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25. ? Hey, hey?
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26. ? Hey, hey
Hey, hey?
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27. ? Hey, hey
Hey?
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28. Yeah!
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29. I can't believe we have
our own hotel room.
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30. Score! There's an iron
in here!
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31. Don't you want to keep our room neat?
You know, in case we entertain.
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32. Who would we entertain?
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33. I noticed some lovely tweens
down by the kids' club.
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34. Maybe we can find a nice spot
near them by the pool...
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35. and send over a couple
of virgin mai tais.
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36. They may be interested in
two sophisticated men like us.
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37. I am a bathroom martian!
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38. Beep, boop, boop.
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39. I am from the nebula
of the Great Toilet.
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40. Beep, boop.
Beep, boop, bop.
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41. I want the biggest
cheeseburger you got.
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42. Instead of salad,
I want fries.
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43. Instead of fruit,
I want chili fries.
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44. Haley, sweetie, put the phone down
and put on some sunscreen. Please?
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45. We have got to stay
on these kids all day,
or else they're gonna burn.
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46. Totally.
They put on the littlest bit
of sunscreen in the morning,
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47. they think it's
got them covered for the-
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48. Are you watching Gloria
in my sunglasses?
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49. Is she moving in slow motion,
or is my brain doing that?
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50. Phil, this is important.
Go ahead. I'm glistening.
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51. Hey, everybody. We're on our way
to see the world's largest banyan tree.
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52. Does anybody want to come?
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53. Now, why in the hell would
anyone want to leave paradise,
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54. take a hot bus ride
to see a tree?
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55. The great thing about Cameron
is that, uh, he's adventurous, like I am.
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56. We-We both like to immerse
ourselves in the culture and
really get to know the locals.
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57. We've made friends
all over the world.
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58. We're still in touch with Elunga,
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59. a man we met on safari
in Tanzania.
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60. We actually send him...
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61. all of our old clothes.
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62. He was a very nice man
when we met him,
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63. but based on his recent letters,
I have a small fear
he's become a warlord.
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64. Hey. I'm gonna go to the gym
to work out a little bit.
You want to come with me?
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65. I just ordered an extra-long straw
to avoid accidentally doing a sit-up.
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66. - Ah, look at this.
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67. My brother.
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68. What's up, jackass?
Happy birthday,
you dumb son of a bitch.
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69. Birthday's tomorrow, moron!
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70. I never understood
this relationship.
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71. - So, 63, right?
- Hey, you can count!
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72. You know Dad was 63
when he died.
Huh?
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73. Hello?
Thanks for reminding me.
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74. Ah, don't worry.
He never took care of himself.
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75. Ate like crap and drank too much.
Anyway, Irene's begging me for-
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76. Hey, Gloria, wait up.
I'm coming.
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77. Hey. Hi.
Hi.
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78. So, I was thinking
we book a couples' massage.
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79. Mm-hmm.
I accidentally
looked in on one.
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80. They seemed really relaxed
until they noticed me.
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81. Haley, that's enough.
Get off the phone.
Luke, pull up your trunks!
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82. This bathing suit
looks great on you.
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83. Thanks, sweetie.
Haley, come on. Off the phone.
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84. No way. Keira got
her hair straightened?
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85. Claire, consider this
a grand gesture of my love.
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86. What are you-
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87. Oh, my God!
Oh!
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88. What did you do?
Phil, what are you thinking?
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89. That is an expensive
cell phone.
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90. It's just the beginning.
Buckle your seat belt, lady.
You're being wooed.
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91. In nature, fathers are known
to eat their young.
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92. Is it because they're delicious? No.
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93. It's because they want
to give their female-
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94. bear, giraffe, what have you-
the honeymoon they never had.
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95. Just to be clear,
I'm not condoning eating your kids,
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96. but I sure as heck
know why giraffes do it.
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97. What?
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98. - Come on, sleepy!
- Ay, Jay!
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99. Come on, honey! Get out of bed!
I just booked us on an outrigger.
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100. But it is your birthday.
You don't want to sleep in?
Come here.
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101. No, no, I just came from the gym.
Guess how much I benched.
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102. - I don't know. 500 pounds?
- 500 pounds?
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103. - What am I, a forklift?
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104. To tell you the truth,
that call from my brother
scared the hell out of me.
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105. I decided to get
in better shape quick.
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106. Didn't want to end up
like my old man.
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107. Although he did die
doing what he loved-
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108. refusing service to hippies
who came into his store.
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109. Manny is the
worst roommate ever.
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110. Everything he finds,
he folds.
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111. Sweetie, it's only
for a few more days.
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112. Last night
we had a fire drill.
Mm-hmm.
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113. Not the hotel.
Just us.
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114. Hi, guys.
Hey.
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115. Hey!
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116. So, what's today's
big adventure?
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117. I'll bet the kids
want to go with you.
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118. Well, it is a big one-
the lavender ranch,
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119. where they grow 45 different
varieties of lavender.
Forty-five.
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120. Hear that, kids?
Forty-five different varieties.
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121. Yeah, I can't sell that.
Go with God.
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122. Oh. Well, more
lavender for us.
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123. When Mitchell and I first met,
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124. I may have exaggerated
my interest
in adventurous travel...
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125. by implying that I had any.
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126. But it's one of the things
he loves most about me, and I
can't tell him the truth now.
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127. It would be like Lewis
telling Clark that
he didn't like to walk.
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128. Side note: We're very good
friends with a couple
named Lewis and Clark.
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129. Clark bought a big,
sparkly belt in New Orleans that
he calls his Louisiana Purchase.
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130. Mom, Haley keeps
stealing my iPod.
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131. All my music is on my phone.
What else am I supposed to do?
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132. Manny watches the news.
You guys don't even watch the news.
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133. Aloha. Hi. Sorry, folks.
This pool is for adults only.
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134. Don't turn around.
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135. What?
Trust me.
Just keep walking.
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136. Wait! Where are
you guys going?
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137. Guys?
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138. What just happened?
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139. Ooh, so we can drink lavender tea
while eating lavender scones.
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140. Oh, neat!
So, is this an all-day thing or-
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141. Oh, no. I know what
you're thinking, Cam.
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142. Don't worry. We'll still have time
for the whaling village.
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143. Oh. Good.
So-
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144. Okay.
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145. - I can't.
- What?
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146. I don't want to go.
I know I said I'm not
a stay-by-the-pool type of guy,
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147. but I really am, Mitchell.
What are you saying?
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148. I'm saying that I like adventure,
but not every minute of every day.
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149. Can you just go by yourself?
But... the lavender ranch-
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150. It's- It's something two men
are meant to do together.
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151. - On or off, folks?
- Well, I'm on.
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152. I'm off.
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153. Think about what you're
missing, Cam.
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154. It's an entire ranch
full of lavender.
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155. You're not making
the compelling case
you think you are!
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156. Hey, you little monkey!
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157. No standing around!
There you go!
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158. Here goes another one!
There you go!
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159. Here comes another one!
There you go!
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160. I thought you were
one of ours!
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161. Hey, Jay! Be careful!
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162. You're gonna hurt somebody-
like you!
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163. - Don't get too comfortable.
I reserved us a tennis court.
- Yay.
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164. I thought that one of
the advantages of marrying
an older guy...
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165. was that I was going to be
able to relax.
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166. But all this swimming
and running and rowing-
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167. It's just like
how some of my relatives
got into this country.
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168. - You know-
- Mmm.
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169. You look prettier now
than the day we got married.
Oh, honey.
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170. And you are even more handsome.
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171. I did push-ups
in the bathroom.
You're funny.
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172. You're nice.
I have always been nice.
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173. I've always been funny.
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174. Well-
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175. Mom! Dad!
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176. Ignore her.
That could be anyone.
Mmm.
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177. Phil and Claire Dunphy?
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178. Yes, Haley, honey?
What is it?
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179. I'm gonna go get some
shaved ice at the hotel
next door with some kids.
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180. - What kids?
- Just some kids I met at the pool.
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181. Okay. Um- I should go
with her and-
Claire, no.
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182. You have to learn to let go.
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183. Turning a family vacation
into a honeymoon
takes commitment.
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184. You can do it.
Eye of the tiger.
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185. Hello!
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186. I should at least meet them. I-
No.
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187. That is not eye of the tiger.
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188. All right, Haley, honey,
go and have fun,
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189. but don't get
in anybody's car...
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190. and be back in time
for your grandfather's
birthday dinner, okay?
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191. Thank you!
Okay!
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192. Bye, honey!
All right!
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193. Oh, God.
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194. That feels weird
and good all at once.
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195. I know. I was leaning up
against that nozzle
a minute ago.
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196. - Hey.
- Hey, you're back. How was it?
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197. Ah! Cameron, it was the most
incredible thing I've ever
seen in my entire life.
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198. You know who else
was there?
Really? Who?
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199. - Elton John.
- No-
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200. Yes, and he was so blown away
by the beauty of it, he sat down...
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201. at their lavender piano
and played "Tiny Dancer."
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202. - And we bonded, because
he too likes adventure.
- Did that really happen?
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203. No, that didn't really
happen. I'm just...
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204. trying to get back at you
for bailing on me.
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205. I'm sorry. If it means anything,
we've been relaxing here
doing nothing.
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206. Maybe you can join us
tomorrow.
No, I can't- I just don't-
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207. I don't find relaxing
that relaxing.
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208. I understand.
You are who you are.
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209. Leilani.
Yes.
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210. You know what?
I think it's because
of my parents.
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211. It always is.
Kipu!
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212. I mean, vacation with my mom
and dad was them sitting around
like statues...
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213. when, you know, the only
thing that me and Claire
could do for excitement was-
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214. Oh. Was sit around and listen
to my skin sizzle.
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215. You poor thing.
Sue?
Yes.
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216. So, that's, like-
That's why, when I'm on vacation,
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217. I want to go out and meet
the locals.
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218. I want to immerse myself
in the culture, you know?
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219. I don't want to sloth
around- Ah!
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220. Sweet Lady Gaga,
that is good.
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221. Oh, thank you.
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222. Mmm.
What's this called?
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223. Happiness.
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224. I'm curious. Is there
any sand left on the beach,
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225. or did you bring it all up
to our bathroom?
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226. Sorry, Mom.
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227. And now you're sitting
on my linen jacket.
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228. I guess I can't have
nice things.
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229. Oh. I'm sorry.
I didn't know it was there.
It's okay.
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230. Oh!
No! Stop!
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231. I'm wearing that tonight!
I'm wrinkling your linen!
I'm wrinkling your linen!
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232. Ooh!
You know what? Out!
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233. I want you out!
This isn't working!
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234. I don't care where you go,
as long as you don't stay here!
What are you saying?
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235. What don't you understand
about "out"?
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236. Fine. I'll just move in
with my sisters.
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237. Ooh, hoo!
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238. Oh, no! Who will pee
all over the bathroom floor?
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239. I was brushing my teeth
at the same time.
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240. You try to do that.
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241. What'd you do today?
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242. I napped.
You did?
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243. I haven't napped in years.
Yeah. It feels good,
doesn't it?
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244. Mm-hmm. Good and weird.
Kinda like that one nozzle
in the infinity pool.
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245. I wouldn't know.
Phil was hogging it.
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246. Is it me, or is Lily
more relaxed here?
Oh, yes.
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247. She is. I think it's because
she's really picking up
on our energy, you know?
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248. It's like, if we're tense,
she's gonna be tense.
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249. And I think we need to bring
this new energy home.
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250. It's gonna make us
better parents-
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251. You blocked the-
What? What happened?
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252. You didn't bring her out!
I thought you had her!
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253. Come on. Let me paint you.
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254. Oh, sweetie.
That is so creepy.
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255. Where is everyone?
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256. Okay. Let me just say
what everyone's thinking.
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257. My jacket's a mess.
It wouldn't be,
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258. but someone used the iron
to make grilled cheese.
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259. I had bread, I had cheese
and I had an iron.
What was I supposed to do?
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260. Kids, kids.
We don't care.
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261. ¡Hola, hola!
Hi.
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262. Hey.
So sorry I'm late.
Where is Jay?
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263. - He's not with you?
- No, he came down long time ago.
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264. Oh, don't worry.
I'll go have a look around.
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265. Yeah, he's probably
in the ocean trying to pull
a tugboat with his teeth.
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266. Well, look who decided
to join us.
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267. - And where is your sister?
- She is in our bathroom throwing up.
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268. - Well, what happened?
- You're not going to like this
as much as I do,
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269. but she's drunk.
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270. I-I knew I never should
have let her-
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271. That's awesome.
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272. Guarantee our bathroom
is still messier.
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273. Oh, my God! Lily!
Where is the elevator?
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274. Where- I don't know!
I'm taking the stairs!
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275. Lily, we're coming for you!
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276. Hey, you.
Where you headed?
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277. Well, remember earlier in the pool
when you convinced me...
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278. to let Haley go next door
with complete strangers?
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279. And you were totally on board.
Yeah.
Mm-hmm. Yeah, well,
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280. she got drunk, and now
she's upstairs throwing up.
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281. But she's just a kid.
Who would serve her?
We did, honey.
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282. On a silver platter.
You convinced me to relax and
let go, and now this happens.
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283. I'm sorry, but we
shouldn't feel bad...
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284. about wanting a little
time for ourselves.
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285. Sweetie, this isn't a honeymoon.
We have kids.
You have got to let this go.
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286. From now on, I am not losing
sight of them for two seconds.
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287. Nothing gets past me.
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288. Hey.
Did you find Jay?
I'm getting worried.
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289. I'm sorry. I have to deal
with Haley.
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290. No. You know what, sweetie?
I will deal with Haley.
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291. You go see if you
can find Dad.
I'll look for him out there.
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292. Lily, where you going, huh?
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293. Oh, my God.
I'm so sorry.
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294. Oh, my God. Wow.
What were you thinking?
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295. One of the kids had an I.D.,
and she bought some drinks.
Mm-hmm.
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296. I tried one, and then another one.
It was stupid.
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297. Yes. Yes, it was stupid,
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298. but you are really lucky
that this did not end
as badly as it could have.
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299. This is why we always
say to you...
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300. when you drink,
you make bad decisions.
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301. I know, I know.
I just-
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302. One minute you're having
wine coolers at homecoming,
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303. and the next...
the game of Truth or Claire
sweeps your high school.
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304. Thanks for not yelling at me.
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305. Oh, honey.
That would just be cruel.
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306. I'll wait till you feel better to yell.
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307. I don't think
I'll ever feel better.
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308. Does this happen
every time you drink?
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309. Yes.
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310. Yes, it does.
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311. Jay?
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312. Over here.
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313. Hey. Hey!
What are you doing?
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314. I'm stuck. I laid down,
my back went out.
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315. Oh. Well, don't you worry.
We're gonna get you out of here.
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316. Grab on.
Yeah, you know, Phil,
this might not be the best-
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317. No, no, no, no, no.
I'm just gonna rock you-
like a hurricane.
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318. I'm kidding.
You're too old to get that.
Here we go.
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319. Wait. Why don't you just
get someone who works here?
No, this is gonna work.
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320. And now-
Oh, wow!
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321. There's spasming.
Don't move. Don't move.
No. I don't wanna get-
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322. Um-
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323. By the way, I just want to
thank you for this trip.
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324. It's really been a vacation
of a lifetime.
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325. - Oh.
- Nothing weird!
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326. Aloha.
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327. I keep my wallet
in my front pocket, so that's-
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328. that's what that is.
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329. Neck... going.
I'm sorry.
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330. Anyone! Anyone, help!
Alert security!
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331. Seal off the island!
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332. This- This way!
This way!
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333. Lily!
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334. Aha.
You looking for someone?
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335. Lily.
We were so worried.
We just got distracted.
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336. Oh, we're idiots.
¡Ay!
Don't beat yourself up.
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337. I used to lose Manny
all the time.
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338. Now I lost your father.
These things happen.
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339. She's right, you know.
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340. Did she say
my father's missing?
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341. Hmm?
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342. We say we'll make time,
but life gets in the way.
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343. I mean, I know we're parents,
but can't we be lovers too?
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344. This may be my worst
birthday ever.
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345. There you are!
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346. Oh, hi, honey.
Hey, hey.
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347. He was stuck in a hammock.
It was actually really funny.
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348. I was on top of him
for, like, 20 minutes.
You need to go now.
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349. Good night.
Honey.
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350. My back seized up.
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351. Yeah, because you overdid it
after that phone call
about your father.
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352. I can't believe I'm as old
as he was.
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353. Wait. Sit down here.
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354. You'd have liked him-
my old man.
I'm sure.
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355. And he'd have loved you.
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356. My God, that guy-
He was a charmer.
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357. Mmm, I know the type.
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358. And we had a lot of fun.
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359. But I'll tell you something.
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360. Our family vacations
were nothing like this here.
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361. One week a year in a rented cottage
on Lake Erie, spiders this big.
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362. I just wish he could have seen
how things turned out.
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363. Well, if you keep going
like this, maybe you can
tell him yourself.
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364. Or I can tell him,
because you're about
to kill me, Jay.
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365. My legs, my arms, my back-
everything is sore.
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366. So I wore you out, huh?
Oh, no, no, no.
Don't get cocky, old man.
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367. When I sit down,
I can still get up. Eh.
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368. Hey, uh-
Okay, come on.
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369. Come here. Come here.
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370. The rest of the trip went better.
Haley's room stopped spinning.
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371. Yes, it is.
And a monkey-
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372. There she is!
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373. Oh, honey!
Hey!
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374. Do you want some eggs Benedict?
So creamy!
No.
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375. No? Ah.
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376. Jay got back to the vacation
he always wanted.
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377. And Mitch and Cam managed
to do some sightseeing...
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378. at a working banana plantation-
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379. Lily!
where they promptly
lost Lily again.
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380. Why did you dress her
in jungle prints?
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381. Because I thought
it would be cute!
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382. She's gonna think
she's back in Vietnam!
Lily! Lily, honey!
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383. Me and Claire, we-
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384. we had a great time.
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385. But we never did get
that honeymoon.
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386. I think I just expected
a little too much
from this vacation.
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387. You were so sweet to try.
It was dumb.
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388. Like you said,
the thrill is gone.
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389. I never said that.
No, it's over.
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390. But wait. Put a few seconds
back on the clock.
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391. The kid still has
a few moves.
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392. Oh, my God.
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393. I figured out why we
couldn't have a honeymoon.
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394. Because we never had
a wedding.
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395. Oh, my God.
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396. I still can't tell
if you think this is
lame or cool.
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397. Honey, it's incredibly cool.
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398. Looks like I finally get
to walk you down the aisle.
Daddy!
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399. Ow! You better walk me.
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400. Okay. I'll do that.
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401. We're here today
to celebrate the renewing
of the marriage vows...
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402. of Phil and Claire.
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403. On this day they've chosen
to reaffirm their love
for each other.
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404. You may kiss your bride.
Oh!
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405. I present to you,
still as husband and wife,
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406. Mr. and Mrs. Dunphy.
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407. ? It's the eye of the tiger?
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408. ? It's the thrill of the fight?
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409. ? Rising up to the challenge
of our rivals?
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410. ? And the last known survivor?
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411. ? Stalks his prey in the night?
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412. ? And he's watching us
all in the eye?
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413. ? Of the tiger?
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414. Welcome to the nonstop flight
from Maui to Los Angeles.
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415. Thank for you choosing
Continental Airlines.
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416. Thank you.
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417. You know, honey,
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418. if anything were ever
to happen to me, I would
want you to get remarried.
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419. Okay.
Mmm.
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420. That was a little fast.
Oh, no. I just
want to make you happy.
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421. Okay.
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422. Any idea of who
you would remarry?
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423. Vicky Conroy probably.
She works in my office.
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424. She's very organized.
The kids love her.
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425. Are you guys talking
about Vicky?
Yeah.
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426. Mom, she's awesome.
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427. Just so you know,
if something were
to happen to me, I-
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428. Something's gonna
happen to you, all right.
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