1. Aloha, Lily.
Aloha. Oh, wait.
Let's do it one more time.Copy !req
2. The doggy was blocking
her face.
Yeah, go back.Copy !req
3. No. No! No. We're not
doing it a third time.Copy !req
4. There she is-
the prettiest white woman
on Maui. Milady.Copy !req
5. Actually, Claire and I
were supposed to go to Hawaii
for our honeymoon.Copy !req
6. Mm-hmm.
But something else came up.Copy !req
7. I got pregnant with Haley.
My bad!Copy !req
8. We didn't even have
a proper wedding.Copy !req
9. We just went down to
the courthouse on a Tuesday.Copy !req
10. The judge sentenced me to life
with no chance of parole.Copy !req
11. You begged me to marry you.
It's true. I did.Copy !req
12. Oh! Hold on, my bride.
Allow me!Copy !req
13. What are you doing?Copy !req
14. Being romantic.
God, you're solid.Copy !req
15. Sweetie, put me down.
Go on. Okay.Copy !req
16. Honey, come on.
Let's turn this vacation
into a honeymoon.Copy !req
17. Sweet pea, I'm a mom
traveling with my kids.Copy !req
18. For me, this is not a vacation.
It's a business trip. Let's go.Copy !req
19. Ah!
Wow!Copy !req
20. This'll do.
It's beautiful.Copy !req
21. Aloha!
Hi!Copy !req
22. Welcome to
the Four Seasons Maui.Copy !req
23. What do you think, Manny?Copy !req
24. I'm home.Copy !req
25. Yeah!Copy !req
26. I can't believe we have
our own hotel room.Copy !req
27. Score! There's an iron
in here!Copy !req
28. Don't you want to keep our room neat?
You know, in case we entertain.Copy !req
29. Who would we entertain?Copy !req
30. I noticed some lovely tweens
down by the kids' club.Copy !req
31. Maybe we can find a nice spot
near them by the pool...Copy !req
32. and send over a couple
of virgin mai tais.Copy !req
33. They may be interested in
two sophisticated men like us.Copy !req
34. I am a bathroom martian!Copy !req
35. Beep, boop, boop.Copy !req
36. I am from the nebula
of the Great Toilet.Copy !req
37. Beep, boop.
Beep, boop, bop.Copy !req
38. I want the biggest
cheeseburger you got.Copy !req
39. Instead of salad,
I want fries.Copy !req
40. Instead of fruit,
I want chili fries.Copy !req
41. Haley, sweetie, put the phone down
and put on some sunscreen. Please?Copy !req
42. We have got to stay
on these kids all day,
or else they're gonna burn.Copy !req
43. Totally.
They put on the littlest bit
of sunscreen in the morning,Copy !req
44. they think it's
got them covered for the-Copy !req
45. Are you watching Gloria
in my sunglasses?Copy !req
46. Is she moving in slow motion,
or is my brain doing that?Copy !req
47. Phil, this is important.
Go ahead. I'm glistening.Copy !req
48. Hey, everybody. We're on our way
to see the world's largest banyan tree.Copy !req
49. Does anybody want to come?Copy !req
50. Now, why in the hell would
anyone want to leave paradise,Copy !req
51. take a hot bus ride
to see a tree?Copy !req
52. The great thing about Cameron
is that, uh, he's adventurous, like I am.Copy !req
53. We-We both like to immerse
ourselves in the culture and
really get to know the locals.Copy !req
54. We've made friends
all over the world.Copy !req
55. We're still in touch with Elunga,Copy !req
56. a man we met on safari
in Tanzania.Copy !req
57. We actually send him...Copy !req
58. all of our old clothes.Copy !req
59. He was a very nice man
when we met him,Copy !req
60. but based on his recent letters,
I have a small fear
he's become a warlord.Copy !req
61. Hey. I'm gonna go to the gym
to work out a little bit.
You want to come with me?Copy !req
62. I just ordered an extra-long straw
to avoid accidentally doing a sit-up.Copy !req
63. - Ah, look at this.Copy !req
64. My brother.Copy !req
65. What's up, jackass?
Happy birthday,
you dumb son of a bitch.Copy !req
66. Birthday's tomorrow, moron!Copy !req
67. I never understood
this relationship.Copy !req
68. - So, 63, right?
- Hey, you can count!Copy !req
69. You know Dad was 63
when he died.
Huh?Copy !req
70. Hello?
Thanks for reminding me.Copy !req
71. Ah, don't worry.
He never took care of himself.Copy !req
72. Ate like crap and drank too much.
Anyway, Irene's begging me for-Copy !req
73. Hey, Gloria, wait up.
I'm coming.Copy !req
74. Hey. Hi.
Hi.Copy !req
75. So, I was thinking
we book a couples' massage.Copy !req
76. Mm-hmm.
I accidentally
looked in on one.Copy !req
77. They seemed really relaxed
until they noticed me.Copy !req
78. Haley, that's enough.
Get off the phone.
Luke, pull up your trunks!Copy !req
79. This bathing suit
looks great on you.Copy !req
80. Thanks, sweetie.
Haley, come on. Off the phone.Copy !req
81. No way. Keira got
her hair straightened?Copy !req
82. Claire, consider this
a grand gesture of my love.Copy !req
83. What are you-Copy !req
84. Oh, my God!
Oh!Copy !req
85. What did you do?
Phil, what are you thinking?Copy !req
86. That is an expensive
cell phone.Copy !req
87. It's just the beginning.
Buckle your seat belt, lady.
You're being wooed.Copy !req
88. In nature, fathers are known
to eat their young.Copy !req
89. Is it because they're delicious? No.Copy !req
90. It's because they want
to give their female-Copy !req
91. bear, giraffe, what have you-
the honeymoon they never had.Copy !req
92. Just to be clear,
I'm not condoning eating your kids,Copy !req
93. but I sure as heck
know why giraffes do it.Copy !req
94. What?Copy !req
95. - Come on, sleepy!
- Ay, Jay!Copy !req
96. Come on, honey! Get out of bed!
I just booked us on an outrigger.Copy !req
97. But it is your birthday.
You don't want to sleep in?
Come here.Copy !req
98. No, no, I just came from the gym.
Guess how much I benched.Copy !req
99. - I don't know. 500 pounds?
- 500 pounds?Copy !req
100. - What am I, a forklift?Copy !req
101. To tell you the truth,
that call from my brother
scared the hell out of me.Copy !req
102. I decided to get
in better shape quick.Copy !req
103. Didn't want to end up
like my old man.Copy !req
104. Although he did die
doing what he loved-Copy !req
105. refusing service to hippies
who came into his store.Copy !req
106. Manny is the
worst roommate ever.Copy !req
107. Everything he finds,
he folds.Copy !req
108. Sweetie, it's only
for a few more days.Copy !req
109. Last night
we had a fire drill.
Mm-hmm.Copy !req
110. Not the hotel.
Just us.Copy !req
111. Hi, guys.
Hey.Copy !req
112. Hey!Copy !req
113. So, what's today's
big adventure?Copy !req
114. I'll bet the kids
want to go with you.Copy !req
115. Well, it is a big one-
the lavender ranch,Copy !req
116. where they grow 45 different
varieties of lavender.
Forty-five.Copy !req
117. Hear that, kids?
Forty-five different varieties.Copy !req
118. Yeah, I can't sell that.
Go with God.Copy !req
119. Oh. Well, more
lavender for us.Copy !req
120. When Mitchell and I first met,Copy !req
121. I may have exaggerated
my interest
in adventurous travel...Copy !req
122. by implying that I had any.Copy !req
123. But it's one of the things
he loves most about me, and I
can't tell him the truth now.Copy !req
124. It would be like Lewis
telling Clark that
he didn't like to walk.Copy !req
125. Side note: We're very good
friends with a couple
named Lewis and Clark.Copy !req
126. Clark bought a big,
sparkly belt in New Orleans that
he calls his Louisiana Purchase.Copy !req
127. Mom, Haley keeps
stealing my iPod.Copy !req
128. All my music is on my phone.
What else am I supposed to do?Copy !req
129. Manny watches the news.
You guys don't even watch the news.Copy !req
130. Aloha. Hi. Sorry, folks.
This pool is for adults only.Copy !req
131. Don't turn around.Copy !req
132. What?
Trust me.
Just keep walking.Copy !req
133. Wait! Where are
you guys going?Copy !req
134. Guys?Copy !req
135. What just happened?Copy !req
136. Ooh, so we can drink lavender tea
while eating lavender scones.Copy !req
137. Oh, neat!
So, is this an all-day thing or-Copy !req
138. Oh, no. I know what
you're thinking, Cam.Copy !req
139. Don't worry. We'll still have time
for the whaling village.Copy !req
140. Oh. Good.
So-Copy !req
141. Okay.Copy !req
142. - I can't.
- What?Copy !req
143. I don't want to go.
I know I said I'm not
a stay-by-the-pool type of guy,Copy !req
144. but I really am, Mitchell.
What are you saying?Copy !req
145. I'm saying that I like adventure,
but not every minute of every day.Copy !req
146. Can you just go by yourself?
But... the lavender ranch-Copy !req
147. It's- It's something two men
are meant to do together.Copy !req
148. - On or off, folks?
- Well, I'm on.Copy !req
149. I'm off.Copy !req
150. Think about what you're
missing, Cam.Copy !req
151. It's an entire ranch
full of lavender.Copy !req
152. You're not making
the compelling case
you think you are!Copy !req
153. Hey, you little monkey!Copy !req
154. No standing around!
There you go!Copy !req
155. Here goes another one!
There you go!Copy !req
156. Here comes another one!
There you go!Copy !req
157. I thought you were
one of ours!Copy !req
158. Hey, Jay! Be careful!Copy !req
159. You're gonna hurt somebody-
like you!Copy !req
160. - Don't get too comfortable.
I reserved us a tennis court.
- Yay.Copy !req
161. I thought that one of
the advantages of marrying
an older guy...Copy !req
162. was that I was going to be
able to relax.Copy !req
163. But all this swimming
and running and rowing-Copy !req
164. It's just like
how some of my relatives
got into this country.Copy !req
165. You know-
Mmm.Copy !req
166. You look prettier now
than the day we got married.
Oh, honey.Copy !req
167. And you are even more handsome.Copy !req
168. I did push-ups
in the bathroom.
You're funny.Copy !req
169. You're nice.
I have always been nice.Copy !req
170. I've always been funny.Copy !req
171. Well-Copy !req
172. Mom! Dad!Copy !req
173. Ignore her.
That could be anyone.
Mmm.Copy !req
174. Phil and Claire Dunphy?Copy !req
175. Yes, Haley, honey?
What is it?Copy !req
176. I'm gonna go get some
shaved ice at the hotel
next door with some kids.Copy !req
177. - What kids?
- Just some kids I met at the pool.Copy !req
178. Okay. Um- I should go
with her and-
Claire, no.Copy !req
179. You have to learn to let go.Copy !req
180. Turning a family vacation
into a honeymoon
takes commitment.Copy !req
181. You can do it.
Eye of the tiger.Copy !req
182. Hello!Copy !req
183. I should at least meet them. I-
No.Copy !req
184. That is not eye of the tiger.Copy !req
185. All right, Haley, honey,
go and have fun,Copy !req
186. but don't get
in anybody's car...Copy !req
187. and be back in time
for your grandfather's
birthday dinner, okay?Copy !req
188. Thank you!
Okay!Copy !req
189. Bye, honey!
All right!Copy !req
190. Oh, God.Copy !req
191. That feels weird
and good all at once.Copy !req
192. I know. I was leaning up
against that nozzle
a minute ago.Copy !req
193. - Hey.
- Hey, you're back. How was it?Copy !req
194. Ah! Cameron, it was the most
incredible thing I've ever
seen in my entire life.Copy !req
195. You know who else
was there?
Really? Who?Copy !req
196. - Elton John.
- No-Copy !req
197. Yes, and he was so blown away
by the beauty of it, he sat down...Copy !req
198. at their lavender piano
and played "Tiny Dancer."Copy !req
199. - And we bonded, because
he too likes adventure.
- Did that really happen?Copy !req
200. No, that didn't really
happen. I'm just...Copy !req
201. trying to get back at you
for bailing on me.Copy !req
202. I'm sorry. If it means anything,
we've been relaxing here
doing nothing.Copy !req
203. Maybe you can join us
tomorrow.
No, I can't- I just don't-Copy !req
204. I don't find relaxing
that relaxing.Copy !req
205. I understand.
You are who you are.Copy !req
206. Leilani.
Yes.Copy !req
207. You know what?
I think it's because
of my parents.Copy !req
208. It always is.
Kipu!Copy !req
209. I mean, vacation with my mom
and dad was them sitting around
like statues...Copy !req
210. when, you know, the only
thing that me and Claire
could do for excitement was-Copy !req
211. Oh. Was sit around and listen
to my skin sizzle.Copy !req
212. You poor thing.
Sue?
Yes.Copy !req
213. So, that's, like-
That's why, when I'm on vacation,Copy !req
214. I want to go out and meet
the locals.Copy !req
215. I want to immerse myself
in the culture, you know?Copy !req
216. I don't want to sloth
around- Ah!Copy !req
217. Sweet Lady Gaga,
that is good.Copy !req
218. Oh, thank you.Copy !req
219. Mmm.
What's this called?Copy !req
220. Happiness.Copy !req
221. I'm curious. Is there
any sand left on the beach,Copy !req
222. or did you bring it all up
to our bathroom?Copy !req
223. Sorry, Mom.Copy !req
224. And now you're sitting
on my linen jacket.Copy !req
225. I guess I can't have
nice things.Copy !req
226. Oh. I'm sorry.
I didn't know it was there.
It's okay.Copy !req
227. Oh!
No! Stop!Copy !req
228. I'm wearing that tonight!
I'm wrinkling your linen!
I'm wrinkling your linen!Copy !req
229. Ooh!
You know what? Out!Copy !req
230. I want you out!
This isn't working!Copy !req
231. I don't care where you go,
as long as you don't stay here!
What are you saying?Copy !req
232. What don't you understand
about "out"?Copy !req
233. Fine. I'll just move in
with my sisters.Copy !req
234. Ooh, hoo!Copy !req
235. Oh, no! Who will pee
all over the bathroom floor?Copy !req
236. I was brushing my teeth
at the same time.Copy !req
237. You try to do that.Copy !req
238. What'd you do today?Copy !req
239. I napped.
You did?Copy !req
240. I haven't napped in years.
Yeah. It feels good,
doesn't it?Copy !req
241. Mm-hmm. Good and weird.
Kinda like that one nozzle
in the infinity pool.Copy !req
242. I wouldn't know.
Phil was hogging it.Copy !req
243. Is it me, or is Lily
more relaxed here?
Oh, yes.Copy !req
244. She is. I think it's because
she's really picking up
on our energy, you know?Copy !req
245. It's like, if we're tense,
she's gonna be tense.Copy !req
246. And I think we need to bring
this new energy home.Copy !req
247. It's gonna make us
better parents-Copy !req
248. You blocked the-
What? What happened?Copy !req
249. You didn't bring her out!
I thought you had her!Copy !req
250. Come on. Let me paint you.Copy !req
251. Oh, sweetie.
That is so creepy.Copy !req
252. Where is everyone?Copy !req
253. Okay. Let me just say
what everyone's thinking.Copy !req
254. My jacket's a mess.
It wouldn't be,Copy !req
255. but someone used the iron
to make grilled cheese.Copy !req
256. I had bread, I had cheese
and I had an iron.
What was I supposed to do?Copy !req
257. Kids, kids.
We don't care.Copy !req
258. ¡Hola, hola!
Hi.Copy !req
259. Hey.
So sorry I'm late.
Where is Jay?Copy !req
260. - He's not with you?
- No, he came down long time ago.Copy !req
261. Oh, don't worry.
I'll go have a look around.Copy !req
262. Yeah, he's probably
in the ocean trying to pull
a tugboat with his teeth.Copy !req
263. Well, look who decided
to join us.Copy !req
264. - And where is your sister?
- She is in our bathroom throwing up.Copy !req
265. - Well, what happened?
- You're not going to like this
as much as I do,Copy !req
266. but she's drunk.Copy !req
267. I-I knew I never should
have let her-Copy !req
268. That's awesome.Copy !req
269. Guarantee our bathroom
is still messier.Copy !req
270. Oh, my God! Lily!
Where is the elevator?Copy !req
271. Where- I don't know!
I'm taking the stairs!Copy !req
272. Lily, we're coming for you!Copy !req
273. Hey, you.
Where you headed?Copy !req
274. Well, remember earlier in the pool
when you convinced me...Copy !req
275. to let Haley go next door
with complete strangers?Copy !req
276. And you were totally on board.
Yeah.
Mm-hmm. Yeah, well,Copy !req
277. she got drunk, and now
she's upstairs throwing up.Copy !req
278. But she's just a kid.
Who would serve her?
We did, honey.Copy !req
279. On a silver platter.
You convinced me to relax and
let go, and now this happens.Copy !req
280. I'm sorry, but we
shouldn't feel bad...Copy !req
281. About wanting a little
time for ourselves.Copy !req
282. Sweetie, this isn't a honeymoon.
We have kids.
You have got to let this go.Copy !req
283. From now on, I am not losing
sight of them for two seconds.Copy !req
284. Nothing gets past me.Copy !req
285. Hey.
Did you find Jay?
I'm getting worried.Copy !req
286. I'm sorry. I have to deal
with Haley.Copy !req
287. No. You know what, sweetie?
I will deal with Haley.Copy !req
288. You go see if you
can find Dad.
I'll look for him out there.Copy !req
289. Lily, where you going, huh?Copy !req
290. Oh, my God.
I'm so sorry.Copy !req
291. Oh, my God. Wow.
What were you thinking?Copy !req
292. One of the kids had an I.D.,
and she bought some drinks.
Mm-hmm.Copy !req
293. I tried one, and then another one.
It was stupid.Copy !req
294. Yes. Yes, it was stupid,Copy !req
295. but you are really lucky
that this did not end
as badly as it could have.Copy !req
296. This is why we always
say to you...Copy !req
297. when you drink,
you make bad decisions.Copy !req
298. I know, I know.
I just-Copy !req
299. One minute you're having
wine coolers at homecoming,Copy !req
300. and the next...
the game of Truth or Claire
sweeps your high school.Copy !req
301. Thanks for not yelling at me.Copy !req
302. Oh, honey.
That would just be cruel.Copy !req
303. I'll wait till you feel better to yell.Copy !req
304. I don't think
I'll ever feel better.Copy !req
305. Does this happen
every time you drink?Copy !req
306. Yes.Copy !req
307. Yes, it does.Copy !req
308. Jay?Copy !req
309. Over here.Copy !req
310. Hey. Hey!
What are you doing?Copy !req
311. I'm stuck. I laid down,
my back went out.Copy !req
312. Oh. Well, don't you worry.
We're gonna get you out of here.Copy !req
313. Grab on.
Yeah, you know, Phil,
this might not be the best-Copy !req
314. No, no, no, no, no.
I'm just gonna rock you-
like a hurricane.Copy !req
315. I'm kidding.
You're too old to get that.
Here we go.Copy !req
316. Wait. Why don't you just
get someone who works here?
No, this is gonna work.Copy !req
317. And now-
Oh, wow!Copy !req
318. There's spasming.
Don't move. Don't move.
No. I don't wanna get-Copy !req
319. Um-Copy !req
320. By the way, I just want to
thank you for this trip.Copy !req
321. It's really been a vacation
of a lifetime.Copy !req
322. - Oh.
- Nothing weird!Copy !req
323. Aloha.Copy !req
324. I keep my wallet
in my front pocket, so that's-Copy !req
325. that's what that is.Copy !req
326. Neck... going.
I'm sorry.Copy !req
327. Anyone! Anyone, help!
Alert security!Copy !req
328. Seal off the island!Copy !req
329. This- This way!
This way!Copy !req
330. Lily!Copy !req
331. Aha.
You looking for someone?Copy !req
332. Lily.
We were so worried.
We just got distracted.Copy !req
333. Oh, we're idiots.
¡Ay!
Don't beat yourself up.Copy !req
334. I used to lose Manny
all the time.Copy !req
335. Now I lost your father.
These things happen.Copy !req
336. She's right, you know.Copy !req
337. Did she say
my father's missing?Copy !req
338. Hmm?Copy !req
339. We say we'll make time,
but life gets in the way.Copy !req
340. I mean, I know we're parents,
but can't we be lovers too?Copy !req
341. This may be my worst
birthday ever.Copy !req
342. There you are!Copy !req
343. Oh, hi, honey.
Hey, hey.Copy !req
344. He was stuck in a hammock.
It was actually really funny.Copy !req
345. I was on top of him
for, like, 20 minutes.
You need to go now.Copy !req
346. Good night.
Honey.Copy !req
347. My back seized up.Copy !req
348. Yeah, because you overdid it
after that phone call
about your father.Copy !req
349. I can't believe I'm as old
as he was.Copy !req
350. Wait. Sit down here.Copy !req
351. You'd have liked him-
my old man.
I'm sure.Copy !req
352. And he'd have loved you.Copy !req
353. My God, that guy-
He was a charmer.Copy !req
354. Mmm, I know the type.Copy !req
355. And we had a lot of fun.Copy !req
356. But I'll tell you something.Copy !req
357. Our family vacations
were nothing like this here.Copy !req
358. One week a year in a rented cottage
on Lake Erie, spiders this big.Copy !req
359. I just wish he could have seen
how things turned out.Copy !req
360. Well, if you keep going
like this, maybe you can
tell him yourself.Copy !req
361. Or I can tell him,
because you're about
to kill me, Jay.Copy !req
362. My legs, my arms, my back-
everything is sore.Copy !req
363. So I wore you out, huh?
Oh, no, no, no.
Don't get cocky, old man.Copy !req
364. When I sit down,
I can still get up. Eh.Copy !req
365. Hey, uh-
Okay, come on.Copy !req
366. Come here. Come here.Copy !req
367. The rest of the trip went better.
Haley's room stopped spinning.Copy !req
368. Yes, it is.
And a monkey-Copy !req
369. There she is!Copy !req
370. Oh, honey!
Hey!Copy !req
371. Do you want some eggs Benedict?
So creamy!
No.Copy !req
372. No? Ah.Copy !req
373. Jay got back to the vacation
he always wanted.Copy !req
374. And Mitch and Cam managed
to do some sightseeing...Copy !req
375. at a working banana plantation-Copy !req
376. Lily!
Where they promptly
lost Lily again.Copy !req
377. Why did you dress her
in jungle prints?Copy !req
378. Because I thought
it would be cute!Copy !req
379. She's gonna think
she's back in Vietnam!
Lily! Lily, honey!Copy !req
380. Me and Claire, we-Copy !req
381. we had a great time.Copy !req
382. But we never did get
that honeymoon.Copy !req
383. I think I just expected
a little too much
from this vacation.Copy !req
384. You were so sweet to try.
It was dumb.Copy !req
385. Like you said,
the thrill is gone.Copy !req
386. I never said that.
No, it's over.Copy !req
387. But wait. Put a few seconds
back on the clock.Copy !req
388. Oh, my God.Copy !req
389. I figured out why we
couldn't have a honeymoon.Copy !req
390. Because we never had
a wedding.Copy !req
391. Oh, my God.Copy !req
392. I still can't tell
if you think this is
lame or cool.Copy !req
393. Honey, it's incredibly cool.Copy !req
394. Looks like I finally get
to walk you down the aisle.
Daddy!Copy !req
395. Ow! You better walk me.Copy !req
396. Okay. I'll do that.Copy !req
397. We're here today
to celebrate the renewing
of the marriage vows...Copy !req
398. of Phil and Claire.Copy !req
399. On this day they've chosen
to reaffirm their love
for each other.Copy !req
400. You may kiss your bride.
Oh!Copy !req
401. I present to you,
still as husband and wife,Copy !req
402. Mr. And Mrs. Dunphy.Copy !req
403. Welcome to the nonstop flight
from Maui to Los Angeles.Copy !req
404. Thank for you choosing
Continental Airlines.Copy !req
405. Thank you.Copy !req
406. You know, honey,Copy !req
407. if anything were ever
to happen to me, I would
want you to get remarried.Copy !req
408. Okay.
Mmm.Copy !req
409. That was a little fast.
Oh, no. I just
want to make you happy.Copy !req
410. Okay.Copy !req
411. Any idea of who
you would remarry?Copy !req
412. Vicky Conroy probably.
She works in my office.Copy !req
413. She's very organized.
The kids love her.Copy !req
414. Are you guys talking
about Vicky?
Yeah.Copy !req
415. Mom, she's awesome.Copy !req
416. Just so you know,
if something were
to happen to me, I-Copy !req
417. Something's gonna
happen to you, all right.Copy !req