1. Beautiful morning, isn't it?
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2. It's a shame you
have to work, huh? Yeah.
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3. Anyway, I'd like a large
sausage and pepperoni-
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4. It's my stuff, okay?
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5. Just keep your hands
off my stuff!
Hey!
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6. I didn't put my hands
on your stuff.
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7. Hey! Just a second, Derek.
What is the problem?
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8. Alex read my journal.
I did not!
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9. Why would I even want to
read your stupid journal?
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10. Because it contains
the details of a life,
and you don't have one!
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11. Oh!
Alex, don't read
Haley's journal.
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12. Sorry. My daughters.
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13. You got kids?
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14. Oh. What grade are you in?
Phil!
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15. Oh, that's my wife, Claire.
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16. Luke was using my computer for this.
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17. I'm gonna have to,
uh, call you back.
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18. He told me he needed it to do homework,
and then I find this, a-a picture...
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19. of a topless woman,
with the biggest boobs I have
ever seen, driving a tractor.
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20. Okay. Um- Uh, first of all,
that's a combine, not a tractor.
Phil!
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21. Phil! It is smut,
and our 10-year-old
is looking at smut!
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22. It's disgusting!
Completely unacceptable.
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23. Here's the thing.
That was my picture.
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24. Well, not really mine.
There's this guy at work
who sends out these links.
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25. Doesn't matter who.
Gil Thorpe.
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26. He sent out another one
of the same woman dressed
as a battleship.
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27. You know, the-
You get- Yeah.
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28. And then one of the Transformers-
And then it-
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29. Anyway, I had every intention
of telling Claire.
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30. I just wanted her
to calm down first.
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31. Where are you going?
I'm going to pick up Luke
from his sleepover.
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32. We need to talk to him
about this now.
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33. Claire, this is a very
delicate situation.
Mm-hmm.
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34. If we don't handle it right,
Luke might end up having an
unhealthy attitude about sex...
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35. or agribusiness.
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36. We'll talk about it
when he gets home.
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37. Okay, fine.
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38. But I am telling him
that every time he looks
at porn, God kills a puppy.
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39. Maybe I should be the one
to talk to him.
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40. I am a very lucky woman.
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41. I have a wonderful family,
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42. a beautiful home.
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43. There's nothing
that I would change.
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44. I hate the dog butler.
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45. I keep forgetting it's there.
And every time it happens,
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46. it scares me all over again.
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47. Sometimes, at night,
I think it's the devil.
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48. El diablo.
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49. Barkley?
He's hilarious.
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50. I was in Vegas last month
and I was winning.
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51. And I thought, I could do
the usual, be a chump, give
the money back to the casino,
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52. or I could do something smart
and buy something for myself
at the casino store.
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53. He's already
a family favorite.
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54. Rub his chin, a little
under there. He likes that.
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55. There you go. Beautiful.
There you go.
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56. He's a dog and a butler.
I mean, who couldn't love him?
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57. Ya me cansé.
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58. Come.
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59. Dog.
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60. ? Hey, hey?
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61. ? Hey, hey
Hey, hey?
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62. ? Hey, hey
Hey?
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63. - Okay, ready to go.
- Make sure you pee first.
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64. - What am I, seven years old?
- No. You do not want
to go during the show.
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65. The marionettes stop what
they're doing, march to the edge
of the stage and point at you.
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66. Okay, that sounds terrifying.
No, it's really funny.
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67. Oh, one of my favorite
childhood memories was attending
the Moscow Marionette Theater.
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68. I grew up one mile away from
Missouri's largest waterslide.
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69. And third largest
in the country.
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70. Oh, really, Cam. You never
mentioned that before.
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71. You feel like-
Feel like a torpedo.
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72. Hey, Cam, does the gardener
usually work on Saturdays?
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73. I don't know. He comes
when we need him.
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74. He's like Batman
but straight.
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75. Is he crying?
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76. Oh, yeah. We should probably
go out the back, huh?
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77. He's clearly in pain.
How can you just turn your back
on a friend like that?
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78. A friend? Really?
Yeah? What's his name?
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79. Caesar Salazar.
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80. You made that up. You were
gonna say "Caesar Salad."
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81. Was not.
Cam. Come on. Really?
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82. Oh.
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83. All right, don't worry, Lily.
I'm sure we'll get to
the show on time.
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84. I'm sure Dad is just gonna
go out and give an encouraging
word to the gardener,
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85. hopefully mention
the snail problem,
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86. and then we are
gonna be on- No.
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87. No, no. Cam, no-
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88. - Hello.
- I don't think he speaks English.
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89. Okay, this might be a good time
to mention to you...
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90. that the marionettes
are not kind to latecomers.
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91. They bend over
and show their bloomers.
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92. Okay, I speak
a little Spanish. Señor-
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93. Gracias.
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94. What was that?
I just asked him if he wanted
to have a glass of water...
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95. and sit down for a minute,
like any kind person would.
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96. Okay, I checked the rest
of the computers in the house.
I didn't find any more porn.
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97. That was hardly porn.
It was a topless woman
on a tractor.
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98. You know what they call
that in Europe?
A cereal commercial.
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99. I should go talk to him.
Honey, honey, honey.
I got this. I got this.
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100. No, no, no, no.
I got this. I got this.
I was his age once.
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101. Breasts are like these
scary, mystical things...
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102. that he's drawn to
like Frodo to Mordor.
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103. Okay, I'm definitely going-
No, no, no, no, no.
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104. Boys don't want their moms
talking to 'em about sex...
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105. any more than girls want
their dads talking to 'em
about periods,
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106. bras and girdles
and all that stuff.
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107. You do know that women
stopped wearing girdles,
like, 30 years ago?
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108. Honey, I know, I know.
That-That-That is exactly
the kind of sexual revolution...
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109. that our son is going
through right now.
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110. So, just-
Let's just-just trust it.
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111. Fix that step.
Just know,
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112. I will handle this, okay?
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113. El diablo.
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114. Hey, Gloria, do you
have any idea why Barkley
was in the guest room?
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115. I was just doing
a little redecorating.
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116. Sometimes it's good
to move things around
just to see how they look.
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117. Yeah, but the guest room?
That's crazy.
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118. He's not a guest.
He works for us.
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119. Hey, give me a hand here,
will you?
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120. - I think his jacket shifted
while I was moving him.
- Ay, cómo no.
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121. We can't have you untucked,
our little butler. That doesn't
make any sense, does it, boy?
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122. ¡Ay!
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123. "Ay"? What was that?
Is he all right?
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124. - Ay, no. My bracelet
got caught a little bit here.
- Well, don't panic.
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125. I'm not panicking.
All right, try to relax.
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126. We can fix him.
Let me take a better look.
Come here, boy.
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127. Luke?
Hey, Dad.
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128. Hey, buddy.
Um, look.
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129. - You and I need to have a little talk.
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130. - About what?
- Well, it's about computer stuff.
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131. Um-
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132. How do you make sure
you've deleted something
after you read it?
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133. Sorry, Jay.
It was an accident.
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134. You know,
I'm beginning to think you
don't like Barkley that much.
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135. I mean, first you hide him
in the guest room,
and now this.
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136. It's ridiculous.
I didn't mean to hurt it.
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137. First of all,
let's cut the "it's.
He is a he.
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138. And you can pretend to be
innocent all you want, but action
speaks louder than words.
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139. Yeah. They can be
very revealing.
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140. What are you
trying to say?
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141. Nothing. But you have to
admit that the dog butler
is a little ridiculous.
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142. You know what else I think
is ridiculous? That mountain
of pillows you have on our bed.
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143. I feel like I'm working on
a loading dock just trying
to get under the covers.
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144. They're pretty.
They're a damn nuisance.
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145. Okay, forgive me for trying
to make our home beautiful.
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146. You know, if I can put up
with those, you can put up
with a piece of art.
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147. This is not art.
This is an unholy mix
between man and beast.
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148. But, fine, if you love it so much,
put it wherever you want.
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149. Thank you. Where you going?
To get some more pillows?
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150. No, don't worry.
It'll be a long time before
I bother you again with my pillows.
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151. Why is Dad in Luke's room
with the door closed?
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152. They are having
a little talk.
Is Luke being punished?
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153. Is that just your favorite thing,
when your brother or sister
gets into trouble?
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154. My favorite is when
they're both in trouble.
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155. So, what'd he do?
Did he cheat on a test?
He's a cheater.
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156. He did not cheat on a test.
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157. Did he lie?
He lies all the time.
Alex.
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158. Alex.
Sorry. I'm just
worried about Luke.
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159. A lot of parents are hitting again.
I appreciate your concern,
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160. but your father
has it under control.
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161. Twenty-four.
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162. Twenty-five.
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163. Flincher! Free slap.
Bring it up.
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164. Ow!
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165. Ow!
Twenty-nine.
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166. Can I be on the bottom now?
Yep.
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167. - Mmm. How'd it go?
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168. Well, he was really embarrassed,
but everything's-
everything's fine now.
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169. What'd you say?
Well, you know,
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170. - I kinda promised him we'd
keep everything between us.
- Mm-hmm.
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171. Matter of fact, he'd be
mortified if you brought
it up with him... ever.
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172. - Oh, God, really?
- Yeah.
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173. That actually makes me
feel kinda bad.
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174. Well, you're probably just
feeling a little tense
from all this.
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175. I know I am.
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176. You know what might
help the situation?
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177. Really? Right now?
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178. I meant going out
for a few pizzas.
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179. Where's your mind?
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180. I guess I live in a house
full of sex maniacs.
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181. Amigo?
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182. We can't help you
if you won't come out.
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183. Gracias por invitarme a su casa
y apiadarse de mis lágrimas.
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184. What'd he say?
Something "house"
something.
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185. Come on. The show starts
in a half hour, and we still
have to pick up Manny.
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186. Can we just-
Come on. Move this thing along!
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187. Okay, this man is in crisis.
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188. He could have a family health issue
or a personal health issue
or a financial matter.
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189. Stop. You're getting all this from
"something house something"?
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190. Let's just call Gloria and
have her deal with it, okay?
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191. "It" is a human being, Mitchell.
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192. Named Caesar Salad.
Okay.
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193. What's going on with you?
Cam, you-
you always do this.
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194. It's like you're
incapable of hearing
anyone's sad story...
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195. without making it
your job to fix it.
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196. And then, my needs-
my needs come second.
Your needs right now...
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197. are a puppet show.
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198. This man could have lost his brother
in a cable car accident.
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199. You understood "casa."
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200. Okay, fine.
If it'll prove to you...
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201. that I'm not the obsessive helpaholic
that you make me out to be,
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202. let's go to the puppet show.
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203. - Cam.
- Let's go.
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204. Ay. ¿ Dónde está mi novio?
Su camión está parqueado afuera.
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205. - I think this has something
to do with the gardener.
- You think?
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206. - Just down the hall to the right.
- Ay. Gracias, gracias.
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207. Perdón.
In there. Okay.
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208. - Okay, let's go.
- No, please.
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209. I know it's killing you
not to get back there
in the middle of that.
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210. Oh, no, no, no, no. We are
going. These folks can find
their own way out.
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211. And now you'll know that I'm
not a manic Mother Teresa out
there collecting lost souls.
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212. Oh, come on.
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213. - Dad?
- Back here.
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214. - Is Manny ready?
- Didn't you get the message?
He's not going.
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215. - What?
- Ah, some mandatory
cleanup at school.
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216. - What's the real reason?
- It's a puppet show, Mitch.
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217. Perfect. All right, it's just
you and me then, Lily.
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218. How's the little fortune cookie?
Ah, she-she's good.
She's good.
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219. Where's Cam?
We got into a fight.
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220. Because of him, I have
a house full of Latinos.
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221. Welcome to my world.
So, trouble in gay paradise, huh?
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222. He just can't say no
to anybody who needs help.
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223. And why do you have to
always add the word "gay"
where it doesn't belong?
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224. Hey, hey, you're not mad at me.
You're mad at
the old balls and chain.
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225. Okay, Dad, good talk.
See you later.
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226. Come on, I didn't mean it.
Hey, I didn't mean it.
I'm a little cranky.
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227. I got into it with
Gloria a little bit.
Oh, no. What happened?
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228. Ah, she hates Barkley.
It's the same stuff I went over
with your mom all the time.
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229. "Get rid of the boat."
"Get rid of the motorcycle."
You know, I liked those things.
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230. Why do you have to
get rid of it then?
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231. You know, actually, I don't.
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232. Anyway, I'm gluing
his hand on over here.
His hand came off.
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233. Rough day, Dad.
Your hot, young wife
doesn't like your doll.
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234. Yeah, unlike your big problem,
"My boyfriend's too nice to people."
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235. No, see- mmm-
that's not all it is.
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236. He helps animals.
He's always volunteering
for things. Trust me.
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237. It-It's worse
than it sounds.
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238. Who are we kidding?
We both got it pretty good.
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239. Hell, I'm probably fighting with
your mom more than I'm fighting
with Gloria on this thing.
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240. A bird fell out of a tree and
he fed it with an eyedropper.
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241. Just drop it, kid.
We're both with people
different from us,
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242. and that's gonna create stuff,
but you want different.
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243. Your mom and I were perfect on paper
and you know how that ended.
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244. What I got now
is a lot better.
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245. Sure, people look at us sometimes.
And sometimes even
I can't believe we're together.
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246. - But we're happy.
At the end of the day-
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247. there's no one I'd rather
come home to.
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248. You mean Gloria.
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249. Who else?
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250. No one.
I'll see you later.
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251. See you, kid.
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252. Did you draw on my poster?
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253. Yeah, I did. Maybe you'll
think about that the next time
you read my journal.
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254. I didn't read your stupid journal,
and I waited in line to get this signed,
Haley.
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255. Oh, don't be such a baby.
It's just some dude
with weird hair.
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256. That's Maya Angelou, you idiot.
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257. Oh, sorry.
I don't follow the WNBA.
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258. You know what? This is the worst
thing you've ever done,
and I'll never forgive you!
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259. You started it!
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260. What are you looking at?
Well, I just heard-
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261. I was the one
who read Haley's diary.
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262. I was playing on her computer
and it just opened.
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263. Okay, I opened it.
But I didn't mean
for anyone to fight.
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264. Oh, home already.
Mitchell, hi. Hi.
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265. Hi, Cam. Hi.
Did you forget the tickets?
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266. No. You know,
I was never gonna enjoy
the show without you, so-
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267. Oh. But you were
so excited to take Lily to
see the Russian marionettes.
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268. Oh, she's probably
a little young anyway.
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269. We can just prop her
in front of the dryer
for a half hour.
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270. Listen, Cam, I-I love that
you try and help the world,
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271. and I'm very lucky
to have you in my life.
Oh, Mitchell.
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272. How'd everything work out
with the gardener?
Uh, great. Great.
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273. Turned out it was his wedding day,
and he was a little nervous.
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274. Oh-
But you know what?
There's no need to apologize.
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275. No, I need to.
I've been very selfish.
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276. No, no. Sometimes
I take things too far.
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277. Okay. If that ever happens,
I will let you know.
Okay.
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278. Is there a reason
I can't go inside?
No. No, no. No.
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279. Y ahora te pronuncio
hombre y esposa.
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280. La puedes besar.
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281. - Mom, can I talk to you?
- Sure, honey. What's going on?
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282. I feel bad
about something I did.
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283. Oh, sweetie.
Is this about the computer?
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284. Yeah.
Something you shouldn't
have been looking at?
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285. Yeah. It was just so freaky.
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286. I couldn't stop looking.
I know, sweet pea.
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287. But the important thing is
you did stop looking.
Yeah.
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288. After about an hour.
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289. Okay. Well,
it's perfectly normal to be
curious about these things.
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290. Some parts were funny.
Mm-hmm.
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291. And some parts
just seemed crazy.
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292. Well, I hope you realize
that some of those parts
weren't real.
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293. Obviously.
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294. But they can be
totally real, right?
Hmm.
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295. Like Anne Frank's?
What?
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296. All I know is it really
made me wonder about Haley.
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297. That's disturbing, sweetie.
Why Haley?
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298. It was her journal.
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299. You read my journal?
You little creep!
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300. I'm sorry!
I couldn't help it.
Copy !req
301. Wait. Haley's journal too?
Copy !req
302. Luke, you are now banned
from the computer.
What?
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303. What happened?
Who's in trouble?
Copy !req
304. - Luke read my journal!
- I told you it wasn't me!
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305. - You know, I'm gonna kill you.
- Haley, calm down.
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306. Wait, you're not even gonna
yell at him? That was private.
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307. Oh, please.
The most shocking thing
in there was your spelling.
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308. You read it too?
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309. Am I the only one
who hasn't read it?
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310. I was looking through
the computers in the house
for pornography.
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311. - Sick.
- Not for me. I wanted to see
what you guys are looking at.
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312. So you're violating our privacy.
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313. When I find out that my children...
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314. are looking
at a naked picture online,
they don't have any privacy.
Copy !req
315. - Who was looking
at naked pictures?
- That doesn't matter.
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316. I wasn't.
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317. Wasn't me.
That's gross. I'm 10!
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318. Wait a minute.
What's wrong
with you people?
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319. If it wasn't you,
who was it?
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320. Mangia!
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321. R osa, thank you
for coming.
Gracias.
Copy !req
322. Carlos, let me know how it
works out with that dentist.
Victor, you owe me a dance.
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323. Yes, I'm a caring person.
Copy !req
324. And without Mitchell,
I would just keep giving
and giving and giving.
Copy !req
325. I'm like a big runaway charity truck
and Mitchell is my off-ramp
full of safety gravel.
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326. He knows how to say no.
He always can put himself first.
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327. He certainly can turn his back
on someone suffering. Um-
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328. No, really. Keep going.
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329. - He-
- Don't keep going!
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330. Muchas gracias.
Hey, good-bye.
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331. - That was nice.
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332. - Oh, God. Dad.
- Looks like I missed
the party, huh?
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333. What is-
What is that doing here?
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334. He is a gift
for you and Cam.
Thank you.
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335. He lost his monocle on the drive.
Head was out the window.
Copy !req
336. Well, they love that.
Let's put him here for now.
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337. - I don't want that.
- I think he's cute.
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338. Let's give him a chance.
I came as soon
as I heard your message.
Copy !req
339. You said that somebody
was getting married?
Copy !req
340. Gloria, there you are.
I've got good news.
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341. What's the matter?
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342. Honey? Hey.
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343. I'm really sorry.
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344. That picture
was just something
that someone sent me.
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345. Doesn't matter who.
Gil Thorpe.
Copy !req
346. Anyway,
I don't do that stuff.
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347. You're all the porn I need.
That's-
Uh-
Copy !req
348. Honey, it's fine.
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349. It's fine. Mmm.
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350. Now, it's fine.
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351. I couldn't care less
about the picture.
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352. I was just upset
when I thought it was Luke.
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353. Haley, honey,
I really wish you would give me
a hand with all this laundry.
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354. You never, ever-
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355. Haley's off in her own world.
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356. Alex has never
really been a kid.
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357. But Luke is my baby.
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358. Is it really too much
to ask that he stay
a sweet, innocent kid...
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359. forever?
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360. Hey, buddy.
Um- Here. Sorry.
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361. We'll dribble later.
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362. Um, I just, uh-
I just want to say I'm sorry.
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363. I never meant to blame you
for that whole picture thing.
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364. Your mom sort of thought it
was yours and I should have
stopped it, but I didn't.
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365. So what was the picture of?
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366. Well, it was
a woman on a tractor
and she had her shirt off.
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367. Was it hot?
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368. Okay, we're being
honest here.
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369. Um, this particular woman-
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370. Well, my tastes
do run to the curvy,
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371. and the cowboy hat
did not hurt one bit.
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372. Couple that with the cutoff jeans-
And you were asking about
the weather, weren't you?
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373. Yeah.
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374. Well, this is good.
This is good.
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375. You're gonna be going
through some changes soon.
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376. And I think now you can
feel safe talking to me
about whatever.
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377. And so it ends.
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378. Sadly, I've been summarily
dismissed from the employ of
Masters Cameron and Mitchell.
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379. The former being
an utter delight,
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380. and the latter
being a humorless snoot.
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381. Just come on.
Get him in the car.
The thrift shop's closing.
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382. What is this exciting thrift
shop you speak of?
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383. Many of my relatives were
taken out of their homes...
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384. to be released into the green
pastures in their maturity-
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385. Did you just say "matoority?"
Unhand me, you brute!
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386. I regret nothing!
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387. I'll pay you.
I'm a comfortable man.
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388. I've been stealing from
your father for days.
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389. Oh, is there any better feeling
in the world than having
your ears flap in the wind?
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390. You know what?
Get out.
You mean it? Sweet freedom?
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391. No, not you, Barkley.
Cameron, out.
Oh.
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