Modern Family 1x11

1. What's the most irritating thing my parents say to me?

2. "That's too much cologne."

3. "That's how girls end up dead."

4. "Don't talk black to me."

5. "It's inappropriate because she's your teacher."

6. How do you even talk black?

7. End words with "izzle"? It's "talk back," you idiot.

8. Oh.

9. "Act more like an adult."

10. What does "act more like an adult" even mean?

11. Look at you, you're soaked! That is so lame.

12. You're the one who wanted to do it!

13. What are you two doing?

14. Oh, I picked up one of those Water Weasels.

15. You hook it on the end of the hose and it flies around in the air.

16. Just like a weasel. Yeah. Look at how awesome. He's so wet.

17. I put the weasel in my pants.

18. He totally did. Dork!

19. Is there a reason why my window's wet?

20. Hmm. Very difficult to say. I don't know.

21. Up top- Ow! Ow! What's wrong?

22. Little- Sweetie, you okay?

23. Little twinge. Yeah.

24. - I'll call 911. - Maybe the firemen will come.

25. - No, no! No, no! - Give me it!

26. The firemen in our town have a reputation for being hot.

27. Do I resent that? Of course not. These guys are my friends.

28. I play basketball with them. I bake for 'em.

29. My question is: What's hot?

30. Come on! Let's go! Let's go!

31. Coming. Manny, it's inappropriate because it's your teacher.

32. What's the big deal anyway?

33. It's a surprise. You'll see. Oh, my God!

34. Ay, Jay, you didn't? Yes, I did.

35. I got us into that new Benihana.

36. They got a chef there that can flip a shrimp into his own hat.

37. What the hell?

38. Dad! There's my boy!

39. The hell is he doing here? Jay.

40. No. He was supposed to pick up Manny yesterday and disappointed him again, as usual.

41. Now he just sails in here out of the blue?

42. I don't like the guy. Do I have reasons? Yeah.

43. Good reasons? Yeah.

44. How many reasons do I need? None. I don't like the guy.

45. So I would have called, but while I was buying this boat for a friend,

46. - I got chased out to sea by another boat y "tiqui tiqui". - Were they pirates?

47. I didn't stop to ask. Well, it's not hard to tell.

48. Did they have curvy swords and sing songs about how fun it is to be a pirate?

49. Wow. Jay. Such a beautiful house, huh?

50. So, we were just headed out to dinner.

51. What, you think I show up empty-handed? I brought dinner- lobsters!

52. Did you catch them with your bare hands? No.

53. - But I bought them with my bare hands. - Wow!

54. And I have some nice wine, a good Cuban cigar for Jay.

55. Hey, why don't you take a picture of him with your new camera phone.

56. - I don't have a camera phone. - You do now.

57. Awesome! All of this excitement, my heart is just going.

58. Now, listen to me. You bring that with you when you come visit me this summer.

59. We'll go in a race car with my friend, and after that, maybe a bullfight.

60. I know all these guys. The matadors, they're like artists.

61. You're quite the bullfight artist yourself.

62. I, uh- Manny, why don't you show your father to the kitchen?

63. Por favor. Dios mío. Someone put on some music.

64. - Tonight, we dance! - Oh, we're gonna dance.

65. Oye, mi amor, ¿está bien que me quede aquí esta noche?

66. Ay, Javier, yo no sé. Espérate para ver qué puedo hacer.

67. What did he say? Does he need money for the lobsters?

68. Jay, be nice. "Be nice."

69. I could be sitting grill-side, watching a guy build an onion volcano.

70. Instead, I got Rico Suave in my kitchen, and I got a stolen boat in my driveway.

71. If it was for me, he'd be out of my life.

72. But it's good for Manny to be with his father.

73. I just can't believe you ever fell for that act.

74. Colombians can be very persuasive.

75. They can make you agree to things before you even know it. You must have been pretty naive.

76. Yeah. But now I'm with the right man, okay? Right.

77. Javier is only going to stay one night. Good.

78. Wait, what?

79. Don't be mad. I just got up to change her.

80. Well, Mitchell really wanted to Ferberize the baby.

81. Ferberize. It is a method of getting the baby to sleep through the night...

82. by, yes, basically letting her cry herself to sleep.

83. Torture. It's not torture, Cam.

84. It's just hard if you happen to be a person who hates to hear another person suffer.

85. Or two people suffer.

86. No, no. You got up to comfort her, which only teaches her that every time she cries,

87. her daddy will come in and cuddle her and put on her favorite-

88. What are we watching?

89. Brian De Palma's controversial masterpiece Scarface.

90. For the baby?

91. She happens to like it. I don't know if it's the colors or the sounds-

92. Oh, here comes the nightclub massacre. She loves it.

93. Watch her little eyelids. It's so cute. They get so heavy.

94. Oh, that's bad.

95. Oh, honey. I'm fine. No, I'm fine.

96. I'm just- Okay, that's cancer.

97. Maybe it's just a kidney stone. "Just," Claire?

98. - What's going on, guys? - It's nothing. Go back to bed.

99. No, but Dad- Don't touch me.

100. I bet it's just a kidney stone. "Just" again.

101. Someone get your mom a glass of water...

102. and a piece of gravel from the driveway and see how she likes it.

103. Why is everybody yelling? Something's wrong with Dad.

104. Don't frighten him. Come here.

105. Oh, that's gotta be death! Death is coming!

106. Okay, you need to go to the hospital. Yeah.

107. No, no, no. I just need a pill. Give me the biggest one you can find.

108. Honey, breathe. Just-Just breathe.

109. That's what I told you when you were in labor and you threw my smoothie at me. Pill!

110. - Okay, I'm calling. - No, no, it's fine!

111. It's actually- It's fine. It's passing. It's passing.

112. I am sorry to alarm everyone. I think I was probably just overreacting,

113. because there's an alien inside of me!

114. Oh, my God.

115. Oh, close it down. I am definitely gonna call.

116. All systems down. All systems down.

117. Son of a bitch. What's the matter?

118. He's playing on my pool table, that's what.

119. Probably got himself a nice drink too. Where you going, Jay?

120. Just to check things out, okay? Come on.

121. You hear that? Now he's messing around with my remote control.

122. You can't hear that from here!

123. Hey, there. Hey, Jay. Listen, I'm sorry. Did I wake you up?

124. No. No, I'm a light sleeper.

125. That's what happens when you get older. Oh, you're not old.

126. I didn't say I was old. I never sleep much anyway.

127. Life is just more interesting after 2:00 a.m.

128. You know, the liquor tastes better, the, uh, women are more beautiful.

129. What is it they say? That the night belongs to the poets and the madmen.

130. Which are you? Perhaps both.

131. And I think maybe you too, huh?

132. I see a picture over here of you on a motorcycle.

133. You ride? I used to.

134. Used to? Used to?

135. Jay, the saddest words in any language, my friend. Yeah.

136. Hey, help me out here. Everybody sees you as this great guy.

137. You know, you live this life of adventure.

138. How come I don't buy a word of it?

139. All I see is a dad who doesn't show up.

140. Hey, Manny knows me. I live in the now.

141. Well, I was living in the yesterday when Manny was crying outside that door...

142. 'cause you didn't show up for the 10th time.

143. And when I don't come, you think, uh- what, I'm just off chasing a good time, hmm?

144. You ever think it might be hard for me, coming here?

145. Why? Because of Gloria?

146. Because of you.

147. Cam!

148. Okay, they're on their way.

149. Okay, kids, gather around. Like you're hugging me, but don't touch me, okay?

150. Now look, I'm gonna be fine.

151. - We know, Dad. - We don't know that. It's a miracle I'm standing up.

152. But look, in case anything happens-

153. I want you to know that if I'd had time, I would have fixed that step.

154. Thanks, Dad. I love you.

155. Don't cry, Luke. I'm okay.

156. I broke the coffee table!

157. That's okay. What?

158. I broke the glass coffee table. The one you swore you didn't break,

159. and then we blamed Esperanza and fired her...

160. and she stole a turkey at Thanksgiving for her family and got deported?

161. Yeah. Damn it!

162. I'm sorry. You will be sorry!

163. They're here!

164. Really? Okay-

165. Did you hear that?

166. Hmm. Luke broke the-

167. - Hey, you changed your clothes. - Well, I had- I had to get dressed.

168. Into that sexy, clingy- Oh, my God. It's the firemen.

169. No, sweetie. And lipstick!

170. I'm out here convulsing in agony and you're looking for cute tops to wear?

171. I just threw on the first thing I could find.

172. We got a minute, if you wanna try on some tighter jeans-

173. Oh, Phil, sweetie. Oh, no.

174. By all means, Claire, we want you looking your sexiest...

175. when the hunky, gay firemen get here!

176. How we doing? We're great.

177. - He meant me! Ohh! - All right.

178. Cameron!

179. No, listen, Jay. You're a tough guy to compete with. Look at all you have.

180. So Manny has to suffer? No. You're right.

181. Look, I'm going to try harder.

182. But maybe it's a good thing that he has the two of us.

183. From you, he learns stability.

184. From me, he learns how to be spontaneous, grab life by the throat.

185. Well, we do a little throat grabbing ourselves around here, you know.

186. We were on our way to Benihana when you showed up.

187. Hey, as long as my boy follows his passion.

188. The worst career decision I ever made was playing baseball, but I loved every minute of it.

189. You played baseball?

190. I lived baseball.

191. I only made it to Triple-A, but I played with all those guys- Sosa, McGwire.

192. You look like you played some. I played in high school.

193. I was all right. Never hit a curve ball.

194. So that's a dream of yours? To- To hit a curve? Used to be.

195. "Used to be." Ugh. Por favor. I said that again, right?

196. Hey, please. Come on. You're right, I shouldn't say that.

197. - What are you guys doing? - Manny, did we wake you up? I'm sorry.

198. No. I was doing my science extra credit.

199. - Of course you were. - So, can I play?

200. That's up to your dad.

201. Actually, I think we're done with pool for right now.

202. I have a better idea for the three of us. Vamos.

203. So, how do you know this guy? He owes me a little favor.

204. This is the coolest night ever!

205. Now, let's see about that curve ball.

206. Out. I thought you were-

207. Those were pillows. Come on. Come on.

208. Cameron, do you realize how infuriating this is?

209. The whole point of Ferberizing...

210. is to teach her to put herself to sleep, and you keep ruining it.

211. I can't help it. I'm like a mother bear.

212. When I hear my cub crying, I have to run to her.

213. Except you're not a bear. Get in our room.

214. Get- Cam, get in there. Get in there.

215. Cut it out. All the way- Our room.

216. Get! Get in there.

217. Come on. Come on. Get in there. Get!

218. That's so unfair. Why not?

219. Because that's how girls end up dead.

220. - Hey, honey. - Hey, guys.

221. We just wanted to see how you're doing. Is this a bad time?

222. No, we're just giving him something to relax before the procedure.

223. Which is gonna go just fine.

224. - Oh, we know. - We don't know.

225. In case it doesn't, promise me you'll be nice to your new fireman daddy.

226. - Unbelievable. - My wife got dressed up for the firemen last night.

227. I didn't get dressed up for the firemen. Those heels were really hot.

228. - You put on heels? - Let's drop it.

229. What are they doing to you, Dad?

230. I have a little scratchy rock inside of me and they're sliding in a tube and sucking it out.

231. You're not scared, are you?

232. When was the last time you saw your old man scared?

233. When you walked through the spiderweb.

234. When we were playing with the Ouija board and the wind blew the door shut.

235. There was no wind, buddy. We brought something forth.

236. Oh. This stuff's really hitting me.

237. My insides feel like velvet.

238. Why don't you guys wait out in the hallway, okay?

239. Feel better, Dad. I will.

240. - Love you, Dad. - Love you.

241. - Love you. - Luke, buddy, hold back a sec.

242. This is not gonna happen, okay,

243. but there is a scenario where you could be the man of the house...

244. and you need to know all the PIN numbers and passwords.

245. 741- I don't wanna be the man of the house.

246. Now, don't talk black to me. Honey, your dad's gonna be fine.

247. Why don't you wait out in the hall. He'll be fine, okay?

248. Honey, I'm just gonna run them to school. I'll be back right after.

249. Okay. Claire? Yeah.

250. You did get dressed up, didn't you?

251. I pulled on the first thing I saw, okay? Okay, I'll drop it,

252. 'cause this stuff is making me fall asleep.

253. And if I never wake up, I'd hate for the last thing you ever said to me to be a lie.

254. I might have gotten dressed up just a tiny bit.

255. - I knew it. - Oh, damn it!

256. Manny, we're gonna be late for school.

257. Why are you so tired today?

258. Any reason I can't take him?

259. I'm surprised you're up. I know what time you went back to bed.

260. Oh, it was nothing. We just went out, we hit a few balls.

261. And you'll never guess where. I guess Javier knew a guy. And you know what?

262. Now that he knows you, the next time he needs something, you are the guy.

263. Ay, Dios mío. Did you took him with you?

264. You couldn't wait to get to school to do that?

265. Manny, vámonos para el colegio. Let's go. We're gonna be so late. Vámonos.

266. Vamos a llegar tardísimo, Manny, ¿qué te pasa? Get in the car.

267. I thought you said you wanted me to bond with Javier.

268. I said be nice, Jay. I didn't say take Manny up all night and play games.

269. Then we got hot dogs. Ay. Go to sleep!

270. If I wanted to be married to a wild man, I would have stayed with Javier.

271. Aha! ¿Qué pasa?

272. - Dad! - Por dios, no.

273. What the hell?

274. Hey, hey, hey, wait a minute. You're not leaving, are you? I've got school.

275. - What? School? - Yes, school.

276. That's where people go to learn things, like not to keep children up all night.

277. - He told her? - He's weak.

278. Well, listen, you said you used to like riding motorcycles, right? So I brought you one.

279. - I know. But I kind of got work- - Work.

280. - Go, Jay. - Yeah, go.

281. Yes, go, Jay, and take Manny with you too!

282. Okay. No, Manuel Alberto!

283. In the car or I put you in the trunk!

284. Jay, I'm not gonna argue anymore.

285. I'm not gonna say anything else. Do whatever you want.

286. But I don't wanna hear you any more saying that Colombians are crazy,

287. 'cause you're the one that is acting crazy,

288. even though he's the one that is making you act crazy.

289. So I don't know what the hell I'm talking about! Manny!

290. You didn't need to come home during nap time.

291. Mmm. Think we proved last night that I did.

292. Well, she's back there now, so why don't you go, so you don't get in trouble.

293. That's okay. I told everyone that I have an unreliable partner,

294. and, uh, they understood.

295. You know what? I don't need to sit here and be condescended to.

296. I'm gonna make myself an ice tea. I will bring you down.

297. - You can't bring me down. - I'll sweep your legs.

298. There's something wrong with you...

299. that the sound of our child in such distress doesn't bother you more.

300. She's not in distress, and this just proves that you need this more than she does.

301. I'm Ferberizing two babies.

302. Raccoons slipped into the Lawsons' home and stole a loaf of bread.

303. - Your point? - That we left Lily's window open a crack,

304. and those raccoons need something to put between that bread,

305. and that is Lily's "help me" cry.

306. I'm coming for you, Lily. No, you're not.

307. You are not coming, Cameron. Let me go! Hey, stop it!

308. Let go! Get off me! What are you doing?

309. Stop! I will not stop.

310. Stop being such a baby. I'm coming for you!

311. Ow! Ow! Ow! Oh.

312. What? Oh, my ankle.

313. My ankle.

314. ¡Ay! I guess you didn't kill yourself in the motorcycle today.

315. Well, I figured you were looking forward to killing me,

316. so I'm not gonna take that away from you.

317. Hey, did Javier call you? No, why?

318. He's dragging me to this bar with some of his old baseball pals.

319. He was supposed to be here at 5:00.

320. Ah, he's dragging you, huh? Yeah.

321. I figured it would be okay. I've seen half these guys play.

322. Javier says it's cool.

323. What? What's the joke? Nothing.

324. It's just funny to me...

325. that you make fun of me because I was seduced by him, but here you are-

326. No one is getting seduced.

327. I'm doing this for Manny.

328. Yeah, it's very important for Manny that you two go and have a nice picnic in the mountains.

329. First of all, it wasn't a picnic. We stopped for coffee.

330. They just happened to be selling crepes.

331. Listen. Let me know when he calls, all right?

332. Geez, it's almost 6:00.

333. The kids are so excited for you to come home.

334. Oh, me too. Yeah, Luke made you a sign.

335. Oh, he's a sweetie. Yeah. You seem great.

336. I am great. Good.

337. Except for that fireman thing.

338. You remember it? Mm-hmm.

339. Yeah, okay. Look, I am sorry. I'm so sorry. Ah, no.

340. There's no excuse for it.

341. I think I just spend so much time in dowdy mom clothes,

342. and I'm covered in paste and peanut butter,

343. and I just- I wanted to feel attractive for a second, you know?

344. I'm sorry. I really-

345. Honey, I just need a little bit of time.

346. Gonna be fine. Okay.

347. Yeah. Okay.

348. I was already fine with it.

349. Here's the deal: Claire messed up. She owed me.

350. This never happens.

351. Old Phil has a golden ticket.

352. Now, I could have cashed that in right away for something small-

353. get out of cleaning the garage, a week at circus camp.

354. Still fresh. Yeah.

355. But the longer you hold on to it, the more the guilt builds,

356. the more you get.

357. Five years: Trip to Paris with my buddies.

358. Ten years: Sweet little convertible.

359. Twenty years:

360. Hello, fully articulating, five-function robot...

361. that can read my mind and has feelings.

362. Phil, you're not leaving without saying good-bye, are you?

363. Hey, Elaine.

364. Is this your husband? Uh-huh.

365. - Good-bye, Paris. - I'm visiting my sister...

366. and he was entertaining us all afternoon with his card tricks. Oh.

367. - Is that Phil? - Hey.

368. Hey, Mom, Phil's leaving.

369. - Without a hug? - Wow.

370. Good-bye, fully articulating,

371. five-function robot with the ability to- Good-bye.

372. Brittany, hurry, honey. Phil's leaving.

373. Ow.

374. You're fine.

375. - How's your ankle? - It's cold.

376. - I'm sorry I hurt you. - No. No, don't be. I-

377. I could have just as easily hurt you.

378. Well, it's cute that you think that.

379. Listen, Cam, I- I can't always be the bad cop here.

380. I-I know it's my issue, but she can't grow up with one huggy, happy, cuddly dad...

381. and one frowny, lesson-teachy dad.

382. Because guess which one she's gonna ask to walk her down the aisle.

383. Uh- Y- Okay, you know what?

384. I can be the bad cop sometimes.

385. I'll always make her eat her vegetables.

386. - Okay. Dentist. - Deal.

387. - Good. - As long as you make her practice her violin.

388. Oh, yeah. The violin. I like that.

389. - And we're both walking her down the aisle.

390. Assuming you can walk by then.

391. Ow! Do you need to go to the hospital for that?

392. No, God. No, no. It's not that bad.

393. Oh, you meant call 911, didn't you?

394. Firemen.

395. Yeah, you call, and I'm gonna change my shirt.

396. So, if I'm supposed to act like an adult,

397. is that act like adults I see in the world-

398. - Or the adults in my family?

399. 'Cause if it's the ones in my family-

400. Come on. Let's go. All right.

401. Then...

402. how hard could that be?

403. Doing the card tricks at the hospital really got me fired up about my magic again.

404. Is this your card?

405. Yes. Oh, my gosh.

406. It's- It's not, is it?

407. No, uh, no. It's not.

408. The hardest part is when people forget their card, because then I look like the idiot.

409. All right. Let's do it again. We really have to go.

410. You think I like this? I'm sorry. Here. I'm gonna teach you one, okay?

411. On the count of three, just grab this. You ready?

412. Put your hand out. Okay.

413. One, two, three. There it is.

414. No. What was that? Wow.

415. Thank you.

416. Are you kidding me?