MobLand 1x5

1. Morning, sunshine.

2. It's Archie.

3. They found him in a box with a little old Scottish lady.

4. Someone's a rat.

5. You and me both have

6. something in common, Jan.

7. Ask me what it is. Go on.

8. Ask me.

9. We both love Harry.

10. Now, do me a favor,

11. never discuss anything about Harry

12. outside the family.

13. Am I clear with this now?

14. Good work.

15. Think you can get closer to him?

16. Was it a mistake? What we did?

17. We've got everyone exactly

18. where we want them.

19. When you cut Tommy up, that sent a message,

20. and we're about to send another.

21. I'd like you to take care of this.

22. I'm gonna watch you,

23. I'm gonna listen to only one thing: my gut.

24. And then whatever my gut tells me,

25. well, that's the truth.

26. It's crazy, mate. It's a trap.

27. It's a nailed on, copper-bottomed, fucking ambush.

28. The minute we set foot in that church...

29. - Crematorium. - Whatever.

30. Us and them. Us and the fucking Stevensons.

31. It gets better, mate.

32. Don't forget, he wants us to go to the wake as well.

33. Fucking hell.

34. - Which is at his house. - What?

35. And it's not just you and me, right?

36. It's us, the whole family.

37. - Right? Jan, Bella. - Amazing.

38. I know. Clever cunt.

39. Fucking hell.

40. It's great, innit?

41. Well, you want another cuppa?

42. Yeah, go on, mate.

43. Thanks.

44. Hey, what was the name of that screw you mentioned?

45. - Rusby. - That's it.

46. - Yeah. - Fucking...

47. Why, you remember him?

48. Yeah, I do remember him.

49. Why'd you bring him up?

50. I saw him, mate.

51. - Where? - Um, the other day.

52. You know, when I went to, um, the old people's home.

53. I had to get Maria's mum

54. a bed there, right? As I was leaving, he was sat

55. in the common room. He was just talking to someone.

56. If it's his wife or his sister, I don't know.

57. - It was definitely him? - Oh, yeah, hundred percent.

58. I haven't thought about that cunt in years.

59. I know, mate. Brought you right back, fucking hell.

60. Here we go.

61. - Dad. - Kevin,

62. I want you and Harry here this morning.

63. Quick as you can.

64. Council of war.

65. All right, we'll be there.

66. It's Dad. He wants us up at the house, soon as.

67. All right. Well, that's Jan's Sunday fucked, innit?

68. Hello, Harry.

69. Um, hey, babe. I'm, uh, I'm really sorry. I'm, uh—

70. I have to head up to the Cotswolds now.

71. So no brunch then?

72. Ask him if he knows I have an exam tomorrow.

73. Listen. Uh... something's come up.

74. Tell him you found my crack pipe.

75. This Friday, we need to be

76. at this, uh, there's something we need to be at.

77. What?

78. Tommy Stevenson's funeral.

79. Are you fucking joking?

80. - I wish I was. - What is it?

81. Mum?

82. Harry, why are you...

83. why are w— I've never even met Tommy.

84. I couldn't pick Tommy Stevenson

85. out of a fucking lineup.

86. I know. I know, but, uh,

87. Richie has invited the whole family.

88. It's a trap.

89. I know it sounds bad,

90. but I think it's safe. Just trust me.

91. Is Bella going?

92. Yes.

93. Well, as it happens,

94. among my list of options,

95. I've been considering suicide, so...

96. fuck it.

97. - Okay. - All right.

98. See you later.

99. What was that about?

100. Mum?

101. So, what do I wear to a Stevenson funeral?

102. A flak jacket?

103. - Mum. - Darling.

104. Wotcha, Harry.

105. Oh, hey.

106. - Harry. - Morning.

107. - Hope you're hungry. - That looks spectacular.

108. Go on, sit the fuck down.

109. - Thank you. - Come on, bruv, sit down.

110. What did Jan say?

111. She's fucking livid, mate.

112. Yeah. Bella's not exactly gagging to go

113. to the funeral of a bloke

114. she never met where she might get shot.

115. Hmm.

116. Good morning, Brendan.

117. You're up early. What can I do for you?

118. Yeah, Dad. I called,

119. uh, Kevin and, uh, Bella said

120. that everyone's up in the Cotswolds.

121. A conflab, she said.

122. - That's correct. - So, uh,

123. - what's-what's happening? - We're having a conflab,

124. - Brendan. - Why aren't I at the conflab?

125. Well, that's because

126. you're not invited to the conflab, Brendan.

127. Eddie, come to the table please, sweetheart.

128. I bet Seraphina's there, yeah?

129. No, Brendan, Seraphina's not here.

130. - Who's that? - Three guesses.

131. Oh, give it here.

132. There you go.

133. Brendan,

134. the Stevensons have invited

135. the Harrigans to Tommy's funeral.

136. - Fucking hell. - Yeah,

137. so we're here, working out a way forward, as it were.

138. Whoa, whoa, wait.

139. He's invited the family?

140. - Yes, Brendan. - What about me?

141. See you later. Have a lovely day.

142. Mum? Mum? Hello?

143. I do love him. I mean, I do.

144. But, seriously, what a big donkey's cock.

145. Fucking cunts, man.

146. You have to give them credit.

147. A very canny move. So,

148. it would appear that old Richie has thrown us

149. something of a curveball.

150. Who wants to start?

151. It's obvious Richie wants us all

152. in the same place so he can mop us up.

153. Oh, come on, Kev.

154. Don't you want to look Richie in the eye

155. and tell him how sorry you are for his loss?

156. I say we go.

157. I've always liked a good funeral.

158. Free food and drink.

159. And I'd quite like to see Vron's curtains.

160. Hmm. Harry?

161. What does your gut say?

162. I think it's genius.

163. It's not a word one would normally associate with Richie,

164. but... the fact is,

165. we're damned if we go and we're damned if we don't.

166. I don't believe Richie wants a war.

167. It's bad for business.

168. And if he did, I mean, he could've started

169. by killing me at Moody's, right?

170. I know that would... that would count

171. - as an eye for an eye. - But you're not a Harrigan,

172. so it's not an eye for an eye.

173. That's an eye for a toe.

174. Eddie, please

175. shut the fuck up. You're the reason

176. - that we're in this mess. - It is true.

177. Eddie.

178. Go on, Harry.

179. Nothing is likely to happen at the crematorium

180. or the wake, all right?

181. As the police and press will be monitoring

182. who comes and goes.

183. Richie will know that.

184. It's too public.

185. The fact that it's all such a public display

186. suggest to me that this is set for theatrics rather than

187. a massacre. It's more of a show of power.

188. He wants you to know he knows something.

189. And he wants to humiliate you.

190. But this is Richie, you know?

191. And this is an angry, vengeful, bereaved Richie,

192. so, frankly, anything is possible.

193. And if we go,

194. we'd be walking unarmed into enemy territory,

195. and this will make us feel very fucking uncomfortable

196. and vulnerable.

197. So, if we go, we need to make an agreement.

198. Like, I don't know, let's not drink

199. 14 glasses of champagne and forget where we are.

200. Mum.

201. Killjoy, Kev.

202. It's Eddie, actually.

203. Right?

204. And then,

205. it'll be crucial that we have some hardware

206. in Richie's house, should it go south, for insurance.

207. How do we get the guns inside?

208. I'm not worried about that. I've got a way in.

209. So, if we agree and that's what you want,

210. then I say we gratefully accept the invitation.

211. Or we don't play any of this and pull the pin.

212. It's actually

213. Parisian.

214. It's mid-19th century.

215. If you look at the prong work, it's sloppy.

216. And the table cut is off-center.

217. Make a note, price it ten percent below market.

218. Sure. Will do.

219. Excuse me.

220. Of course.

221. Seraphina.

222. Brendan.

223. Yeah, oh, I, yeah,

224. I wondered if you had an hour for a spot of lunch?

225. Your sandwich bar?

226. Tempting as that is, Brendan,

227. I've packed my own sandwich today.

228. I-I need an hour of your time.

229. And I guarantee you, it will be worth it.

230. One hour.

231. There you go, now.

232. Fucking hell, Conrad, we won't get half of this in there.

233. Yes. Thank you.

234. Right, now, let me know what happens, when it happens.

235. Do you think this is a good idea?

236. - If you ask me, he's just— - Yeah?

237. You see, the thing is, Eddie,

238. nobody asked you. Eh?

239. - Oh? - Say what you like,

240. but I agree with Eddie.

241. Trying to smuggle guns inside is

242. a very perilous strategy.

243. However... if it works?

244. We'll see.

245. Come on, dogs.

246. - Oh, Connor. - The wine list, sir.

247. Thank you. Let's have a look. Um...

248. Oh, yeah, we'll have the, um,

249. we'll have the Chateau Lafitte '89.

250. - Excellent choice, sir. - Well, thanks, Connor.

251. Why am I here, Brendan?

252. Well...

253. Is this your proposal?

254. Take a look.

255. Takes your breath away, doesn't it?

256. From Mozambique.

257. - Full marks. - Where did you get it?

258. Let's just say I have a contact,

259. and my contact has a contact in Antwerp.

260. And my contact's contact happens to have

261. 20 more uncut stones

262. between two and eight carats.

263. Well, it's exciting.

264. If this was anybody but you, I'd be excited.

265. Oh, jokes. Connor.

266. The Chateau Lafitte '89.

267. Oh, that looks lovely, yeah. Pour it well.

268. Love that sound.

269. Mmm.

270. It's, um... It's-it's unimprovable.

271. - Thank you, sir. - Love the label.

272. How's your arse, little bitch?

273. We've been insulted.

274. Left out in the cold.

275. Enough's enough.

276. It's time we show those

277. smug fuckers— and yes, I'm including our father in this—

278. that we can deliver.

279. So, for fun,

280. I'm gonna have to ask how your contact

281. has Mozambican rubies to sell,

282. because Gemfields has the monopoly.

283. Whoever your contact is shouldn't have these stones.

284. - Technicalities. - Which you know nothing about.

285. I have a buyer.

286. Is it some bloke you met in a tent?

287. In Dubai, yeah, a Russian.

288. Very sorry, Brendan. I'm not getting wet.

289. No, I regret that remark.

290. Can we just draw a line under that whole sorry affair?

291. Look, I'll be frank.

292. You know, I'm not in a position to finance this deal.

293. That's-that's why I've come to you.

294. We have a product,

295. we have a seller, we have a buyer.

296. It's a wallet in the street, we just have to pick it up.

297. A whole new revenue stream.

298. Millions.

299. Signed, sealed and delivered to Dad.

300. By you and me, together.

301. Not outcasts, the fucking NFI.

302. The Golden Children. Champions.

303. I want 75% of the commission.

304. - Fuck off. - You said it yourself.

305. It's my field, it's my alley.

306. - Fifty. - Seventy-five.

307. You're my half sister. You get half.

308. You're my quarter brother.

309. Can I get a sparkling water, please?

310. - Sure. - Thank you.

311. - What's in the bag, H? - We'll get to that.

312. I'm here, Freddie, for two reasons, okay?

313. Number one is I heard on the grapevine

314. that you're not very happy

315. with the Stevensons.

316. Is that right?

317. It's what I heard.

318. Do you really think I'd roll over on Richie?

319. Are you that high, you cunt?

320. No, that's not what I'm saying.

321. - Take it easy, H. - Do you honestly think

322. that I would bring you here, to a pub, broad daylight,

323. - and shoot you? - What's in your fucking pocket?

324. Well, that's reason number two.

325. Um... that

326. is your phone. You lost that, Christmas.

327. - Do you remember losing that? - Where'd you get it?

328. Never you mind where I got it, but I have got it,

329. and I cracked your code, really complex one.

330. One, two, three, four, five, six.

331. That there, that's the Dumont Hotel, innit?

332. That's a view from one of the suites.

333. That is a photograph of a minibar,

334. although I don't know why anyone would

335. take a photograph of a minibar. There you go,

336. three lines of bugle.

337. And that is you.

338. And she...

339. she is Vron Stevenson.

340. Naughty.

341. Before you, like, try some Hail Mary

342. grab for your phone, you can just have it

343. 'cause I don't need it.

344. What do you want, H?

345. I need insurance. Now,

346. we get back to your original question, "what's in my bag?"

347. In my bag, yeah, I got two Glocks,

348. a couple hand grenades,

349. and 50,000 in cash for you.

350. Where's a good hiding place in Richie's house?

351. No idea, mate.

352. Well, you're gonna have to think about it, aren't you?

353. Because I need you to put these guns

354. somewhere inside Richie and Vron's house.

355. Somewhere accessible, but where they won't

356. get stumbled upon, you know?

357. You are thoroughly without options here, mate.

358. Like I said, you are the weakest link.

359. I've got you by the balls, son, like Vron,

360. you know, so say it. Say it with me.

361. Say, "I am the weakest link."

362. I need to trust you here, Freddie.

363. Say it.

364. I'm the weakest link.

365. Good. When you know

366. where you're going to put them, you let me know.

367. Yeah?

368. I'd hate to be you.

369. Alice, hey.

370. Can I meet you for a drink tomorrow?

371. Aw,

372. tomorrow's not good. I'm at a funeral.

373. Funeral? I'm sorry to hear that. Were you close?

374. Uh, no, not exactly.

375. Between us, it's...

376. it's some poor bastard called Tommy

377. nobody except his mum will ever miss.

378. I don't even want to be there. It's Harry's idea.

379. Well, maybe early next week?

380. Yeah. Yeah, that'd be nice.

381. All right, babe.

382. - All right. - See you.

383. Bye.

384. The Harrigans are going

385. to Tommy Stevenson's funeral tomorrow.

386. What?

387. It's been ages since I went to a funeral.

388. I like my funerals.

389. Yes, you said.

390. You seem to, too.

391. You know, it's the pomp.

392. - The security. - Right.

393. Makes me feel like a first lady.

394. - Hmm. - Aren't I giving you

395. Jackie Kennedy just after the first assassination?

396. That was the look I was going for.

397. Mmm.

398. I don't know, there's something about funerals,

399. I don't know what it is.

400. It's something, you know, regal.

401. They get the juices flowing. Don't you find?

402. Firstly, no, I fucking don't.

403. Number two, just be nice, now. All right?

404. And lay off the Lady Petrol.

405. Look,

406. you say "take me home," and I'll take you home.

407. Take me home.

408. I was talking to your mother.

409. Nah, I'm looking forward to this.

410. If it looks like it's about to kick off,

411. I'll give you the signal.

412. You get Jan, go to our security

413. and tell them it's about to go down.

414. Listen, if Harry says it's safe, I... I trust him.

415. But not me.

416. What?

417. You trust Harry, but you don't trust me.

418. I didn't say I didn't trust you.

419. I just said I trust Harry.

420. Is everything all right between you and Harry?

421. What does that mean?

422. No, it's just...

423. are you cool?

424. We're always cool.

425. I trust

426. Harry, Kevin. Do you trust him?

427. Do you, Dad?

428. Fuck off, Eddie.

429. Jan, I'm going up front, okay?

430. Conrad.

431. - Make some space. - Thank you.

432. Sorry for your troubles, Richie.

433. Conrad, thank you.

434. Thanks.

435. My condolences, Vron.

436. Sincere condolences, Vron.

437. Harry, you know.

438. - Richie. Sorry for your loss. - Thanks, Harry.

439. Vron, I-I'm Harry.

440. - I'm sorry for your loss. - Kevin.

441. Sorry for you loss, Richie.

442. Kev.

443. Sorry for your loss.

444. Their better halves,

445. - Isabella... - Hi.

446. and Jan.

447. - Sorry for your loss. - Thanks.

448. And this is Edward.

449. Hello, Edward.

450. Hello, Richard.

451. It's Richie.

452. Is it? Well, in that case, call me Eddie.

453. I'm so sorry for your loss of Tommy.

454. He was a right laugh.

455. I don't think we've met.

456. Fuck off.

457. What was that?

458. - What was what? - Going in to kiss Vron.

459. I was being friendly.

460. Don't.

461. Go on, Eddie.

462. You do anything like that again,

463. and I will strangle you myself.

464. Please be seated.

465. "Do not let your hearts be troubled.

466. If you believe in God...

467. also believe in me.

468. For God so loved this world

469. that he gave us his one and only Son.

470. And those that believe in him

471. shall not perish...

472. but have eternal life."

473. He's staring you out.

474. - Shut it. - He is.

475. "My Father's house has many rooms."

476. He's mugging you off.

477. He's making you look like a right cunt in front of everyone.

478. Maeve, shut the fuck up,

479. so help me God.

480. "If that were not so,

481. would I say that I'm going there

482. to prepare a place for you?

483. And if I prepare a place for you...

484. I will come back...

485. and I will take you there with me...

486. so you may also be...

487. where I am."

488. Arms out, please.

489. All right, thank you.

490. Your arms, please.

491. All right.

492. Oh, I just can't believe he's not here.

493. So, uh, your wife's okay?

494. Yeah, she's fine.

495. Well, I heard about that, though.

496. That was a bit of a— bit of an upset.

497. Look after yourself anyway.

498. Just smile.

499. If anyone talks to you, just be polite.

500. Do you know anyone here?

501. One or two.

502. - Keep an eye on them. All right? - Sure.

503. - Hi, Jan. You all right? Yeah. - Yeah.

504. You look lovely.

505. Thanks, Kev.

506. Hi, Jan.

507. Mm. Long time.

508. It has been.

509. How are you keeping?

510. Good.

511. Where's Eddie?

512. Hmm.

513. Fuck off.

514. Hmm.

515. Are you fucking serious?

516. Nail scissors?

517. Do your nails.

518. Come downstairs and at least pretend

519. to be a man.

520. Cunt.

521. Harry.

522. Go and ask Richie why he's staring at me.

523. He's not staring at you.

524. Don't tell me when someone is or isn't staring at me.

525. All right, he's staring at you.

526. Hmm.

527. I hope you're right about this function, Harry.

528. Otherwise, you put the entire family in the crosshairs.

529. It's all under control.

530. Fair play.

531. What's she fucking doing?

532. Vron, I can't tell you

533. how deeply, deeply sorry I am for your loss.

534. I bet you can't.

535. What does that mean?

536. You know what it means.

537. I never wanted none of you

538. cunts here. It was Richie's idea.

539. Fuck knows why.

540. I just hope you know where you are.

541. How in God's name does Conrad fuck that?

542. God knows.

543. - Here, mate. - There you go.

544. Yeah, thanks.

545. Ah, bev, Kev.

546. Here, Mum.

547. The fuck are you doing?

548. Ah, fuck.

549. You were in my way.

550. Watch where you're going, you little cunt.

551. Get out my fucking face, cunt.

552. It's all right, mate. It's all right. Eddie,

553. go home.

554. No, no, stay.

555. You've been invited, so stay.

556. It's all right, Richie. You can go home.

557. - But Richie said I can stay. - I don't give a fuck

558. what Richie said, mate.

559. Well, we can get Eddie a lift.

560. I mean, Freddie'll do it,

561. if that's all right with you, H.

562. No, y-you're all right. I think we got this. Thank you.

563. I ain't going with Freddie. I'll get an Uber.

564. You'll do as you're fucking told.

565. What's this now, hmm?

566. We were just working out how to get Eddie home.

567. All right, Eddie. Off you trot.

568. I'm taking my son home.

569. Conrad, can we have a word?

570. Harry.

571. Kevin.

572. - Olie. - Yeah.

573. Charlie.

574. I've been watching the news.

575. Those Arabs and the Jews, awful.

576. Don't you think it's awful?

577. I'm Irish.

578. I've had a gut full of that bollocks since I was a kid.

579. And, to be honest,

580. I couldn't give a fuck about another man's war.

581. Was you nervous?

582. When?

583. When I asked you to come here.

584. If I was, I wouldn't be here now.

585. What, not even a little bit?

586. Thinking like, "What's he up to?"

587. Not a jot, Richie.

588. We were extremely honored and very touched.

589. See, that's odd.

590. Because, by nature,

591. you're quite a wily old fox, Conrad.

592. You don't tend to blunder around,

593. risking life and limb.

594. What's your fucking point, Stevenson?

595. I know who done Tommy.

596. You must think I'm a right mug.

597. That patsy

598. that you set up and then murdered.

599. I know it weren't him.

600. Now, I don't want a war.

601. I'm not saying I won't

602. wake up tomorrow feeling completely different,

603. but right here now, I don't want vengeance,

604. 'cause I know what I have, or what I have left.

605. Now, Conrad...

606. I hate the bones of you,

607. every ounce of my soul.

608. I genuinely

609. wish you and yours nothing but ill.

610. But I asked you here today

611. to see if you'd come,

612. and you came.

613. And I respect that.

614. So there'll be no war.

615. But if I see that little cunt Eddie Harrigan

616. out anywhere,

617. in a pub, on a park bench,

618. he's fair game.

619. But he gets to live.

620. Unlike my boy...

621. who's dead.

622. Now, do we have a deal?

623. Come on.

624. Oh, no.

625. Come on, you fucker.

626. Ooh.

627. Oh, God.

628. Are you all right there, now?

629. What happened?

630. You had a bit too much to drink.

631. Perhaps it was the nerves.

632. Hmm.

633. Bollocks. Someone roofied me.

634. Was it you?

635. Hmm?

636. Tell me the truth.

637. Don't go pointing your finger at me like that now, Maeve.

638. Had nothing to do with me. Nothing at all.

639. Ah, look at this beauty.

640. Now— Jesus, Maeve.

641. That's no way to treat my trout. Really?

642. That fucking cunt insulted me to my face.

643. To my face.

644. Calm down now. Just calm down now, Maeve.

645. We'll have a nice cup of tea.

646. Just—

647. Fuck you, too.

648. Paul?

649. Yes, Maeve?

650. Babe,

651. I'm going down the shops.

652. Do you want anything?

653. Babe?