Mister Ed 1x24

1.

2. Hello. I'm Mr. Ed.

3. J'ai le crayon.

4. I have the pencil.

5. J'ai le crayon.

6. [Ed] J'ai le crayon.

7. You have the pencil.

8. Vous avez le crayon.

9. [Ed] Vous avez le crayon.

10. Hey, what's goin' on here?

11. Oh, hello, chéri.

12. How are you?

13. What's with the beret and the phonograph?

14. Where'd you get 'em?

15. I orders zem

16. over ze telephone.

17. I am thinking

18. of taking ze trip around ze world.

19. The only trip you're taking is around ze stable.

20. - A horse wanting to travel.

21. That's the most ridiculous thing I ever heard of.

22. But I want to see Spain...

23. - France... China. - China?

24. - Mm-hmm. - China coming up.

25.

26. Ah. Get in the rickshaw. I'll be right with you.

27. Ohh! Oh, hop in rickshaw, sir.

28. Uh, 25 yen first mile.

29. I am very fast. Oh, come on. Here we go.

30. Ohh. And here we have Great Wall of China.

31. Here, on the left, a carpet place.

32. And on the right, we have the fa—

33. I think you've flipped your fortune cookie.

34. Hi, Roger.

35. Well.

36. What's new? You still married to Kay?

37. Wilbur. I don't understand what goes on in here.

38. Somehow, you're a different man

39. once you come into this barn.

40. You talk to yourself. You act strangely.

41. Why don't you give up this place

42. and get yourself an office on the outside?

43. I can't. I'm not well.

44.

45. I'll see the world

46. if I have to join the Navy.

47.

48. [Ed] Hello?

49. Hello. This is George Hausner

50. from radio station WPXQ.

51. What's on your mind, George?

52. I'm calling for our Giant Jackpot contest.

53. Is this Mr., uh... Post?

54. How much is the prize?

55. $100.

56. This is Mr. Post.

57. What's your question?

58. Mr. Post, you have just one minute to answer.

59. Now, you may feel free to use any books that you have.

60. Your friends can help you.

61. Stop gabbin', George, and ask the question.

62. All right, Mr. Post. You have one minute to answer.

63. Can you tell us?

64. What is the capital of Iceland?

65. That's easy.

66. Uh, Reykjavik.

67. Congratulations, Mr. Post.

68. You have won a hundred dollars,

69. and you are now eligible

70. for our Giant Jackpot $5,000 prize next week.

71. $5,000!

72. Ho ho!

73. Thank you!

74. Thank you!

75. Those little Spanish fillies

76. are practically sitting on my lap now.

77. Ohh!

78. What? What's the matter?

79. Why didn't you tell me you won a contest?

80. Oh, well, I—

81. What contest?

82. This contest. Oh, you should've told me.

83. Um...

84. "Wilbur Post, 17 Valley Road...

85. "won contest...

86. eligible for $5,000 final next week!"

87. Uh, must be some other Wilbur Post.

88. Living at the same address?

89. You've got a point there.

90. Oh, dear, I'm so proud of you.

91. Honey, I tell you, it wasn't me.

92. I'm gonna call the radio station and—

93. It was me, buddy boy.

94. Had you fooled for a minute, didn't I?

95. [mutters, chuckles]

96. Oh, Wilbur! How did you know

97. that the capital of Iceland was Reykjavik?

98. It is? I mean, it is! Yes.

99. Any school horse knows— Any schoolboy knows that.

100. Well, how's our famous quiz kid?

101. Congratulations, my boy!

102. Isn't it wonderful? Just imagine—

103. If he answers this question, we get $5,000!

104. Two mink coats as the fur flies.

105. Wilbur, uh...

106. what do you intend to do

107. with the 5,000 if you win?

108. Well, I really hadn't thought about it.

109. Well, we've always wanted to travel.

110. But we never could afford it.

111. - Maybe we could go to Europe. - Sure.

112. And if we run out of money in Copenhagen,

113. I'll just pick up the phone and win another 5,000.

114. Oh, I wish we could go along.

115. Why not? Money was meant to be spent.

116. Oh, I think it's a wonderful idea.

117. The four of us should have a rousing time in Europe.

118. Sure! We'll spend the 5,000 we won,

119. and then, with the 5,000 you're gonna spend,

120. we will have a rousing time!

121. You mean...

122. we're not going as your guests?

123. Well, on second thought...

124. let's see America first.

125. It's— It's more patriotic.

126. And cheaper.

127. Yeah.

128. Oh, honey.

129. I always said you were smart.

130. Wait till my family read about your winning.

131. My father always thought you were a dumbbell.

132. Yeah, well, this'll prove—

133. He did?

134. Well! I bet he doesn't know

135. that Reykjavik is the capital of Sweden.

136. [Roger, Carol] Iceland.

137. Yeah, well, I just wanted to see

138. if you were on your toes.

139. Well, if you want me, dear, I'll be in my office...

140. resting my brain.

141. Ho ho!

142. Oh, Wilbur.

143. Maybe you should start studying.

144. Who knows what question they're gonna ask you next week.

145. Just let them dial. I'll be ready at my end.

146. Ed? Oh, boy.

147. Ed, how did you do it?

148. Oh, it was nothing.

149. Look, start at the very beginning. Tell me all about it.

150. Nothing to tell.

151. The phone rang, I answered,

152. and please put the hundred in my account.

153. Carol is so excited.

154. You know, if we win that $5,000, I'm gonna take her to Europe.

155. Sure. We can't leave her here.

156. - Let's take her with us. - What?

157. And we'll travel first class.

158. I don't like to mix with the hoi polloi.

159. Ed, forget about it. We can't take a horse along.

160. Now, hold it, mac.

161. Who's takin' whom?

162. I answered the phone last night.

163. Yeah, but you used my name.

164. But I used my brain.

165. Well, we'll try

166. to work something out, Ed.

167. Meanwhile, I'd better start boning up.

168. Wilbur.

169. I've been thinking.

170. When that phone rings next week, you may get stage fright.

171. They may ask you a perfectly simple question,

172. like, "Who was the 13th president of the United States?"

173. You can't answer. The next day,

174. millions of people are going to be laughing at you.

175. Why is your horse wearing this Tyrolean hat?

176. Oh. Well, I let him eat a piece of my Swiss cheese sandwich,

177. and it went to his head.

178. You were right. You aren't well.

179.

180. Ed.

181. The, um, 13th president.

182. Abraham Lincoln?

183. Andrew Jackson.

184. Zachary Taylor?

185. Try Mickey Mouse.

186. Who was it?

187. Millard Fillmore.

188. Born January 7, 1800. Died—

189. All right, don't rub it in.

190. Ed, I'll feel like a fool if I miss an easy question.

191. And you can't help me because Carol and the Addisons will be with me.

192. Well, don't worry about that.

193. Just cancel all your engagements this week.

194. What for?

195. I'm gonna coach you.

196. Ed, I would really appreciate it.

197. Cut the corn. Just repeat after me...

198. George Washington,

199. born February 22nd...

200. Carol, be sensible. Is it worth it?

201. Your husband is driving himself to exhaustion.

202. He's been studying every night this week.

203. He hasn't slept. He's been skipping meals.

204. He's been—

205. Wilbur... you look tired.

206. Can I get you some coffee?

207. Coffee. Brazil.

208. 3,288,050 square miles.

209. He's a walking zombie.

210. Honey, you skipped dinner. Can I fix you a turkey sandwich?

211. Turkey. Republic since 1923.

212. Bordered on the west by Greece, Bulgaria, and the Aegean Sea.

213. Look what he's going through to win this contest.

214. And you want him to throw away that prize money.

215. The international rate of exchange.

216. In Greece, the currency unit is the drachma.

217. In Guatemala, it's the quetzal.

218. In Honduras, it's the lempira.

219. In Iceland, it—

220. Iceland, it's—

221. Dried fish.

222. Oh, Addison, why don't you leave him alone?

223. A loan: The act of lending, or a sum of money lent for interest.

224. See "Interest."

225. Honey, maybe you've studied enough tonight.

226. Hmm? No. I've got a lot more reading to do, dear.

227. If you want me, I'll be in the barn.

228. Darling, the barn's over here.

229. Good morning, Roger. Good morning, Kay.

230. 9:00 at night, and he says "Good morning"?

231. Is this worth a trip to Europe?

232. A continent with adjacent islands.

233.

234.

235.

236.

237. Uh, get your thinkin' cap on, amigo.

238. We're doin' Spain.

239. Yes, master.

240. What is the capital?

241. The cap— The cap— capital of Spain.

242. The capital of Spain...

243. let's see...

244. Oh, Ed. Ed, it's no use. I'm worn out.

245. Shall I give you a massage?

246. Ed, it won't help.

247. When that phone rings tomorrow,

248. I'll— I'll be too tired to think of the answer.

249. And with Carol and Addison in the room with me,

250. you won't be able to help me.

251. Oh, yes, I will.

252. Ed. You mean...

253. you're gonna talk in front of everyone?

254. No. It's gonna be just you and me in this barn, chum.

255. Mmm. Here.

256. How far is the earth from the moon?

257.

258. Uh, 250,000 miles.

259. Right. Uh, what year was Lincoln assassinated?

260. 1865.

261. The month?

262. April.

263. The day?

264. The 14th.

265. Do you want to know what Abe had for dinner?

266.

267. Oh, we're a cinch to win tonight, Ed.

268. Mmm. Then I'll—

269. I'll take you on the continent. All over.

270. Oh, we'll eat like a king.

271. In Italy, it'll be hay parmesan.

272. And France... oats Suzette.

273. And Germany... carrots Weiner schnitzel.

274. Oh, that's what I call eating.

275. Wilbur, you've been around that horse so long,

276. you're starting to eat like one.

277. Hi, Roger. Pull up a chair.

278. Thanks.

279. Uh, have a grape.

280. No. No, no, no.

281. Wilbur. I've come to appeal to you.

282. If you answer that question correctly tonight,

283. you may break up a happy marriage.

284. Oh, no. Carol loves me.

285. I'm talking about my own marriage.

286. I'm gonna be frank with you.

287. I'm not as well off as Kay thinks.

288. And if she goes on a spending spree in Europe,

289. I'll come home a pauper.

290. Please. I happen to know you are loaded.

291. Why don't you want to take your wife on a trip through Europe?

292. Because I'm not only loaded, I'm stingy.

293. Wilber? This is Mr. Hausner

294. from the Giant Jackpot show.

295. - Oh, don't get up, Mr. Post. - Thank you.

296. Mr. Hausner, this is my neighbor, Mr. Addison.

297. Mr. Addison.

298. How do you do?

299. If you'll excuse me,

300. I have an appointment

301. with the bankruptcy board.

302. Honey, Mr. Hausner's here to give you

303. last-minute instructions.

304. That's right, Mr. Post.

305. I want to make sure, first of all,

306. that you'll be home at 9:00

307. when we make that big telephone call.

308. Oh, don't you worry. I'll be here.

309. Honey, would you wake me at, oh, about 5 to 9?

310. I'll be taking a little nap.

311. Isn't he confident?

312. Do you know he has barely looked at a book in two days.

313. Well, once I read something, I never forget it.

314. I have total recall.

315. Total recall?

316. He can't remember what he ate today.

317. Just one more reminder, Mr. Post.

318. You'll have one minute to answer the question.

319. Now, then. Feel free to use any reference books.

320. Your friends or your wife can help you.

321. No, thank you. I don't need anybody with me.

322. You certainly have the most amazing confidence.

323. I just left your competitor, Carl Schultz,

324. at his grocery store,

325. and you've never seen a more nervous man.

326. Well, some people have it, and some people don't.

327. He's pretty smart with my brains.

328. Well, good luck, Mr. Post.

329. Thanks, but I won't need it.

330.

331. Oh. Did, uh...

332. did I leave my briefcase in your living room, Mrs. Post?

333. Briefcase? No. You didn't have any.

334. Oh. Uh, I must've left it somewhere.

335. Well, remember, you'll have just 60 seconds

336. to come up with the right answer.

337. 60 seconds for a simple geography question.

338. Hmm. I wonder what I'll do with the extra 59.

339.

340. Here. I'll show you out, Mr. Hausner.

341. Thank you.

342. Carl.

343. Do you think it's all right

344. to come back here?

345. Nobody answered the front door.

346. Maybe there's somebody back here.

347. But, Carl, maybe we should bring Mr. Hausner's briefcase

348. to his radio station.

349. He must be looking for it.

350. But he told us he will be coming here.

351. Maybe there's somebody back in the barn.

352. Let's look.

353. Nobody answers.

354. Oh, uh...

355. What a beautiful horse.

356. Carl, if you are lucky enough to win the contest,

357. could we buy a little farm and a nice horse like that?

358. There you go, dreaming again, Freda.

359. People like us don't have such luck.

360. I guess you are right.

361. Look at this beautiful house.

362. He must be a very smart man, that architect.

363. Yes, Freda, he must be.

364. Carl, if we are lucky enough, if we win,

365. maybe we can send for my mother.

366. I haven't seen her in 33 years.

367. We'll see, Freda. We'll see. Come on.

368. 33 years?

369. That's a long time not to see your mother.

370.

371.

372. Oh, those Schultzes

373. are gonna need some help.

374. Carol, shouldn't you be waking him?

375. They'll be calling in a few minutes.

376. Oh, Addison, doll, you do want Wilbur to win after all.

377. Well, nobody wants to live next door to a loser.

378. Oh, Roger, you'll love Europe.

379. Of course! They say travel is very broadening.

380. When it comes to money, it can be very flattening.

381. Wilbur! It's time!

382. Coming, dear.

383. Honey, guess what. If you win, Roger is coming to Europe with us.

384. Well!

385. We'll come down the stairs and say hello to you.

386. Honey.

387. Are you sure you don't want us to go to the barn with you?

388. We could look for the answer in the books.

389. I'm an expert page turner. I used to date a librarian.

390. Thank you, thank you. That won't be necessary.

391. At a time like this, I should be alone with my thoughts.

392. I'm a lucky girl to be married to such a brilliant man.

393. Well, um, Addison may not be smart, sweetie,

394. but, uh, he's loaded.

395.

396. Oh, what a time for company.

397. - Mrs. Post? - That's right.

398. I'm Charley Grant from the Giant Jackpot show.

399. I'm here to take some pictures of your husband.

400. Ed, in a few minutes, that phone's gonna ring.

401. You'll give the answer, and soon you'll be serenading

402. a Spanish filly under her stable window.

403. Pull up a chair, Wilbur.

404. For you or me?

405. Wilbur, there comes a time in your life

406. when you have to make sacrifices.

407. What do you mean?

408. 33 years is a long, long time

409. not to see your old mother.

410. What are you talking about?

411. - Mr. Post? - Yes?

412. I'm Charley Grant from Giant Jackpot.

413. Oh, yes. Well, would you mind waiting in the house?

414. I'm expecting a call in a few seconds.

415. Well, that's why I'm here. I'm gonna take your picture.

416. Oh. Well, why don't you take it after I win?

417. I'll have a bigger smile on my face.

418. Well, no. I'd lose my job if I didn't get a shot

419. of you on the phone.

420.

421. You'd better answer it, Mr. Post.

422. That's 5,000 bucks.

423. Yeah. Oh, yes. Uh...

424. - Uh...

425. Well.

426. Uh... hello?

427. Mr. Post, you have 60 seconds

428. to answer our Giant Jackpot question.

429. For $5,000,

430. in what ocean are the Cape Verde Islands?

431. The... Cape Verde Islands?

432. The Cape Verde Islands?

433. Cape... Verde... Islands.

434. J-Just a minute!

435. Help! Roger, help!

436. Kay! Help!

437. Geography. Where's the geography book?

438. Hold on, hold on.

439. Geography. Come on, where are you?

440. Wait, wait. I—

441. Geography. Excuse me. Geography.

442. Geography.

443. Geography, geography. Where is it?

444. Oh. Wilbur. What's the matter, huh?

445. - What's the matter? - What's wrong? - Wilbur! What's happened?

446. Where are the Cape Verde Islands?

447. Oh, no.

448. Addison, tell him!

449. - Ohh...

450. Wilbur, the book. Which book would have it?

451. The geography book! Help me find the geography book!

452. Geography book.

453. Yeah, just— just a minute!

454. - Geography book! - Don't stand there!

455. - [overlapping panicky chatter] - Look over there!

456. Mr. Post, you have just 20 seconds.

457. 19...

458. 18...

459. Hurry!

460. It's got to be here somewhere!

461. 15... 14... - Under this! Under...

462. 13... 12...

463. - Quiet! - 11...

464. 10...

465. 9...

466. 8...

467. 7...

468. - The Cape Verde Islands - 6...

469. are...

470. in the Pacific Ocean?

471. No, I'm sorry, Mr. Post.

472. They're in the North Atlantic.

473. I was wrong.

474. They're in the North Atlantic.

475. Just— Just slightly off.

476. How far?

477. $5,000 worth.

478. Mr. Post.

479. How about a big smile?

480. Wouldn't you rather have an honest picture of a man crying?

481. Thanks a lot. Better luck next time.

482. Oh, Addison.

483. Don't you fret, my dear.

484. I'll take you on a trip real soon.

485. Where to, Big Daddy? Cucamonga?

486. Why don't you kids come over for coffee in a few minutes.

487. I should be over my nervous breakdown by then.

488. Aw, never mind, honey.

489. We'll take a trip someday.

490. Yeah, but not to the Cape Verde Islands.

491. Why don't you give Kay a hand. I'll be right in, dear.

492. All right.

493.

494. Ed, why did you turn your back on me?

495. It wasn't my fault.

496. I know you were looking forward

497. to taking this trip, but I couldn't

498. get rid of the photographer.

499. And about that geography book.

500. What do you suppose could've happened to it?

501. There, there.

502. Ed! Why did you hide it?

503. I mean... we might've won!

504. I did it for Carl and Freda.

505. Carl and Freda? Who are they?

506. Well, that's a long story.

507. As I said, there comes a time in your life

508. when you have to make sacrifices.

509. This old couple...

510. she hasn't seen her mother in 33 years.

511. I just felt terrible about it.

512. Ed, here's a picture of the Schultzes

513. accepting the $5,000.

514. They're cute.

515. You're not sore at me, are you, Wilbur?

516. Oh, of course not.

517. That was a nice thing you did,

518. making it possible for Mrs. Schultz

519. to bring her mother over.

520. Yeah, I always was a softie.

521. Closed-Captioned By J.R. Media Services, Inc. Burbank, CA

522. ♪ I am Mister Ed ♪

523. This has been a Filmways television presentation.