Mister Ed 1x23

1.

2. Hello. I'm Mister Ed.

3. It's your turn.

4. Uh, move my pawn down.

5. Here?

6. Yeah. Checkmate.

7. Darn it. That's the fourth game in a row you've beaten me.

8. Five, but who's counting?

9. You've just had an amazing run of luck.

10. I'll beat you this time.

11. Mm-hmm. Well, just to make it interesting,

12. how about a little side bet?

13. Like five sugar cubes.

14. Oh, Ed, I've told you many times it is wrong to bet.

15. It warps your character, it makes you greedy,

16. and I always lose.

17. Ah. My move, eh?

18. Yeah.

19. Go ahead.

20. Uh...

21. You're in trouble.

22. What did I do wrong?

23. You started the game.

24. Will you move my second pawn down two, please?

25. Move it yourself.

26. Please. Those small ones get stuck in my teeth.

27.

28. Now me, eh?

29. Uh-oh.

30. Ah-ah.

31. Ah.

32. Wilbur, you're not much of a chess player,

33. but I enjoy these hours we spend together.

34. I don't know what I'd do without you.

35. Really, Wilbur.

36. If you would stop jabbering,

37. maybe I could concentrate and win one of these games.

38. To show you we're real pals, I'll help you.

39. Move your king's rook down two squares.

40. Mm-hmm.

41. Mine up one.

42. x Now yours down one.

43. Down.

44. Mine up one.

45. Bring your bishop down one square.

46. Bishop.

47. Now my bishop in front of it.

48. Checkmate. You lose again.

49. Oh, I'd like to get you on a tennis court.

50. A tennis court. Oh, you're beautiful.

51. Let's play another game. And no help, please.

52. Okay, you set them up.

53. Meanwhile, I'll get us a couple of apples.

54.

55. Kay.

56. Well, what did Wilbur get you for your birthday?

57. I don't know yet.

58. You mean you didn't tell him what you want?

59. Of course not. I believe in taking potluck.

60. That's dangerous, darling.

61. You're liable to wind up with a pot.

62. Oh, Kay.

63. Does he know today's your birthday?

64. Well, I guess so.

65. You guess so?

66. Oh, listen to this poor innocent child.

67. By now, you should have gotten your gift

68. and exchanged it for something more expensive.

69. Well, I think I know what he's going to get me.

70. What?

71. Last week, Wilbur and I were passing

72. Pierre's Jewelry Shop,

73. and I saw the most beautiful pair of earrings

74. in the window,

75. and I pointed them out to him.

76. Sweetie, dogs are pointers. Wives are grabbers.

77. You should have gotten them on the spot.

78. Oh, I'm not worried.

79. Wilbur's probably out buying those earrings right now.

80. Hi, Wilbur.

81. Hi, Rog.

82. Kay tells me—

83. Who are you playing chess with?

84. With myself.

85. How are you making out?

86. I lost four times in a row.

87. Five.

88. Last time, I gave myself some bad advice.

89. Kay just told me you're getting your wife

90. some pearl earrings for her birthday.

91. I know a place that'll give you a wonderful—

92. Pearl earrings.

93. Holy cow, I forgot.

94. Calm down, boy, calm down.

95. Rog, thanks for reminding me.

96. I better get right down to Pierre's

97. and pick up those earrings.

98. Pierre's?

99. You are buying your wife genuine pearl earrings?

100. Yeah, why not?

101. Never let your heart run away with your wallet.

102. This time, I'd like to really surprise Carol.

103. I'll tell you what. After dinner,

104. I'll bring her over to your place.

105. We'll pretend we're going to have a game of bridge.

106. Then I'll give her the earrings.

107. We'll have a big birthday cake,

108. imported champagne.

109. Drinking cham— What?

110. At my house?

111. Oh, I'll pay.

112. Oh, good. Fine. Yeah.

113. You said it. The little woman deserves the best.

114. - And Roger. - Yeah?

115. Would you do me a favor?

116. I want this to really surprise Carol,

117. so don't tell your wife.

118. Don't worry. I only say two things to Kay all day.

119. Good morning and good night.

120. All conversation in-between is strictly hers.

121. Well, happy spending.

122. I thought old pickle-puss would never leave.

123. Ed, guess what?

124. Today is Carol's birthday.

125. Swell. Set up the chess board and we'll celebrate.

126. Oh. I can't play chess now.

127. I got to buy some earrings.

128. Um, in the middle of our game?

129. She's my wife.

130. Well, so what?

131. I'm your horse.

132. Sorry, Ed. I can't spend all my time with you.

133. See you later.

134. Wilbur, let's compromise.

135. Spend your evenings with her and your days with me.

136. Don't feel bad, Ed.

137. When it's your birthday, I'll get you earrings.

138. Wife. Big deal.

139. I bet it would take her ten minutes to run a mile.

140. Oh, hi honey.

141. Have you been in the barn all this time?

142. Uh, yes. I just remembered I've got to go downtown.

143. To get something?

144. Uh, yes.

145. For whom?

146. You don't have to tell me if you don't want to.

147. Oh, I can tell you, dear.

148. I'm going to buy some hay at the feed store.

149. Oh, thank you dar—

150. Hay?

151. Yeah. See you later.

152. - Wilbur. - Yeah?

153. You've always said I have pretty, shell-like ears.

154. A beach comber's delight, my sweet.

155. Well, don't you think

156. they need a little something to show them off?

157. You're right.

158. Why don't you curl your hair over your ears?

159. Like that.

160. Beautiful.

161. I'll tell you a secret, honey.

162. I married you for your ears.

163. - Sure. - Yeah.

164. I mean, the lips, the nose, the eyes, all that stuff,

165. just part of the package deal.

166. If you want my ears, they'll be in the kitchen.

167.

168. I'll get it, dear.

169. Hello?

170. How about getting back to our csghess game?

171. I got to go down to Pierre's and pick up Carol's present.

172. But Wilbur, we got to play.

173. It's the only thing that takes my mind

174. off my poor, strained back.

175. You're just faking.

176. You just don't like to be alone.

177. Now look, you play solitaire

178. until I come back from Pierre's.

179. Pierre's.

180. I'm sure your wife will appreciate

181. the pearl earrings, Mr. Post.

182. Yes. Frankly, I didn't expect to pay so much,

183. but after all, what's money?

184. Hard come, easy go.

185. Well, you know what they say. You have only one wife.

186. Yeah. And at these prices, I'm glad she's only got two ears.

187. Would you like to have the earrings delivered?

188. Yes, please.

189. The address is 17230 Valley Road.

190. 17230 Valley—

191. Wait a minute. On second thought,

192. maybe I better take it with me.

193. I want to surprise my wife.

194. But she might notice it.

195. The package is very conspicuous, no?

196. Yes. That's true.

197. I know. I'll hide it in the closet,

198. and then after dinner, when we're playing bridge with our neighbors,

199. I'll go back and sneak it out.

200.

201. Excuse me.

202. Vu Pierre's. May I help you?

203. Yes. Mr. Post, it's for you.

204. - Me? - Yes.

205. Thank you.

206. Hello?

207. Why did you hang up on me before?

208. I'm sorry, I was in a hurry.

209. Look, you eat your hay, and I'll play chess with you later.

210. No, Ed. I am not ignoring you.

211. Didn't I ride you in the park on Sunday?

212. Okay. If you've got burrs in your tail,

213. I'll comb them out.

214. See you later.

215.

216. A friend of mine. We're always kidding around.

217. It sounded to me like you were talking to a horse.

218. But how could that be?

219. Thank you for wrapping the package so nicely.

220.

221. Oh, excuse me.

222. Hello?

223. One minute.

224. Mr. Post, it's your friend the horse again.

225. Thank you.

226. Now what is it?

227. Come home. I've got a headache.

228. ñ My eyes hurt.

229. Maybe you've been watching TV too much.

230. You're right. Maybe I need glasses.

231. Glasses? Now listen, Ed, I—

232. I know, but—

233. I know, but—

234. No, Ed, there is no such thing as a horse optometrist.

235. All right, but Ed, if you're kidding,

236. I'll twist a knot in your tail.

237. Just this friend of mine, he—

238. Quite a character, this friend of mine.

239. Believe me, Wilbur, I'm very near-sighted.

240. Runs in my family.

241. My mother used to bump into trees.

242. We'll find out.

243. And my father was even worse.

244. He was married to Mother for ten years

245. and never knew what she looked like.

246. Yeah, okay. Now read the charts.

247. What chart?

248. The one on the wall.

249. What wall?

250. I know. Stop the faking, Ed.

251. I want you to read the fourth line from the top.

252. Start at the first letter.

253. Um, it's either a B or a G.

254. Or an I.

255. Or an X.

256. Never mind.

257. Read the big one at the top.

258. That's easy. It's an O.

259. You're right. It's an O.

260. It is not. It's an E.

261. Ah ha.

262. Your eyes are perfect. I tricked you.

263. No, my eyes are bad.

264. I know the Fairbanks Optical Company

265. always puts an E on the top of their charts.

266. How do you know the Fairbanks Company made this chart?

267. That's what it says right there on the bottom.

268. Manufactured by the Fairbanks...

269. Optical Company.

270. How about a little chess?

271. Ed, I am tired of you and your faking.

272. But I get lonely in here.

273. Four empty walls. No one to talk to.

274. A horse can go stir-crazy.

275. Wilbur.

276. In here, honey.

277. The eternal triangle.

278. A man, a wife and his horse.

279. What would you like for dinner tonight?

280. Or do you think we should eat out?

281. Eat out? Oh, no, no, no. We can't eat out.

282. You see, after dinner we're going over to the Addisons'.

283. Oh? Is there something going on there?

284. No, nothing. Nothing. Nothing.

285. Just going to play some bridge.

286. Sounds exciting.

287. I hate to tease her like this,

288. but there's one thing about a surprise gift.

289. You've got to give it at the right time.

290. Are you going to be at the Addisons' all night?

291. Of course. It's my wife's birthday.

292. Why don't you just hand her the earrings and blow?

293. Look, Ed, at 8:00,

294. when I sneak out of the Addisons' house to pick up the earrings,

295. I'll drop by here and say good night to you.

296. Big deal. Think you can spare the time?

297. - Anybody home? - Kay's upstairs.

298. Good.

299. I've got Carol's birthday cake here.

300. Where can I hide it that Kay won't find it?

301. In the kitchen. She never goes in there.

302. Addison, doll, who came in?

303. It was Wilbur, my love.

304. I'll duck this in the closet. She's coming down.

305. Hello, Kay.

306. Hi, Wilbur.

307. Just dropped by to borrow a cup of pencils.

308. What's Carol doing?

309. She's getting ready to go to the market.

310. Why don't you join her, my love?

311. Oh, no. I hate to shop for anything I can't wear.

312. I'm going to the beauty parlor and see what colors they're pushing this week.

313. Addison, I'd like to get my coat.

314. Coat? On a stifling day like this?

315. It's not only stifling, it's hot.

316. It's so hot outside

317. that the pigeons are sitting under the statues.

318. Addison, please.

319. Goodbye, my dear.

320. Doll, I'm in no mood for games.

321. But sweetheart, I'm only thinking of you.

322. If you wear a coat on a hot day like this,

323. you might get overheated. You might get a chill.

324. And before you know it, you're in the hospital,

325. and there's only so much penicillin can do.

326. All right, I'll wear my little black sweater.

327. Great idea. I'll go get it.

328. It's in the closet.

329. Well, I'll have my hair back before dinner.

330. I'm glad you're surprising Carol with that cake in the closet.

331. Kay, Wilbur would like this to be a real surprise.

332. Now promise me you won't say a word to Carol.

333. Oh, well, of course.

334. Well, see you.

335. Hold it, loose lips.

336. Why don't you stay here until our bridge game tonight?

337. Wilbur, you trust me, don't you?

338. Oh, sure. But you know how it is.

339. You start talking to Carol. She says, "How are things?"

340. You say, "Fine, Wilbur's got a cake in our closet."

341. And before you know it, she catches on.

342.

343. Will you please get that while I hold on to the town crier?

344. Hello?

345. It's for me.

346. What is it?

347. I got an ear ache, Wilbur.

348. Rush over with a couple hundred aspirin.

349. Well, I'm sorry. I don't need any insurance, Mr. Christie.

350. Don't be too rough on her, Roger.

351. Use leg irons only if necessary.

352. Well, that was a delicious dinner.

353. Let's hope we're lucky at bridge tonight, eh?

354. It'd be nice to be lucky at something.

355. Never mind. It's too hot for a coat. I'll put it in the closet.

356. Oh, no, no. No, you should wear a coat, honey.

357. It's so cool outside that the pigeons who were sitting under the statue

358. are now wearing sweaters. It's fine.

359. Wilbur.

360. Remember, honey. No trumping my ace tonight.

361.

362. I'll get it.

363. No, I'll get it.

364. You go on to the Addisons'.

365. Hello?

366. There's a suspicious-looking character

367. hanging around the house.

368. You'll say anything to get me in that barn, won't you?

369. But Wilbur, this time I'm telling the truth.

370. F Cross my fetlocks and hope to die.

371. Suspicious character.

372. Why don't you invite him in to play chess with you?

373. Kay, you were so right. He forgot.

374. I should have been a grabber instead of a pointer.

375. There is something I must tell you.

376. Yes? Sorry, my dear. You were saying?

377. I was telling Carol that it looks like another warm day tomorrow.

378. A simple weather report. Beautifully put, my dear.

379.

380. Sorry I kept you waiting.

381. Well, here we go again.

382. Posts against the Addisons.

383. If you don't mind, I'd like to play with Roger.

384. I don't mind if Kay doesn't.

385. You can play with anyone you want,

386. as long as the money is in my name.

387. I could do with a cool drink, too.

388. Honey, can I get you something?

389. No, thank you. I have everything I need.

390. There are some cold drinks in the refrigerator, Wilbur.

391. Help yourself.

392. Carol, I've just—

393. Wonderful husband you have there, Carol.

394. Thanks. That's what he keeps telling me.

395. Happy birthday, honey.

396. Happy birthday, Carol!

397. Oh, darling!

398. You fooled me. Oh, you're all so wonderful.

399. Big secret, wasn't it?

400. And that isn't all, honey.

401.

402. That insurance agent again. I'll get it.

403. Oh. Happy birthday again, dear.

404. Don't cut it, now, don't cut it.

405. Beautiful cake, Carol.

406. Hello?

407. That crook's in your house now.

408. No, I've already got enough insurance, Mr. Christie. Goodbye.

409. Guy never gives up.

410. Now Carol, as I was saying, that isn't all.

411. I have another surprise for you.

412. Back in a second.

413. All right, darling.

414. Kay, what did he get me?

415. Kay.

416. I promised I wouldn't tell.

417. But they'll look lovely on your ears.

418. Oh, just what I wanted.

419. That's right. Earlaps.

420. I should get you one to put over your mouth.

421. Oh, Roger.

422.

423. R

424. Hey, stop! Thief!

425. Another man in space.

426. Okay, buddy, put them up.

427. This is the law.

428. z÷ If you turn around, I'll let you have it.

429. I ain't moving.

430. Take one step and you're dead meat.

431. Please, Officer, just arrest me.

432. The wagon will be here in a minute.

433. I just phoned the station.

434. Keep those hands up.

435. Please, don't shoot. Please.

436. Don't turn around or I'll blast you,

437. sure as my name is Elliott Ness.

438. I'm not turning, Officer. Please.

439. Just take me in.

440. Okay, okay, what's going on?

441. Officer, I'm guilty.

442. I stole these things from this guy here.

443. Oh, you did, huh?

444. Oh, my wife's earrings.

445. My wallet.

446. Officer, I'm glad you got here.

447. This cop behind me is trigger-happy.

448. Huh? What cop?

449. The only thing behind you is a horse.

450. But there was a cop there. I heard him talk.

451. He was holding a gun on me. Said he was Elliott Ness.

452. Well, it couldn't be a horse.

453. There was a man talking, not a horse.

454. A talking horse?

455. This man is obviously in need of help.

456. Come on, buddy.

457. That's impossible. You're right.

458. He was right. I need help.

459. u Ed, I'm sorry I didn't believe you,

460. but this is what happens when you don't tell the truth all the time.

461. Yeah, you're right. You're right.

462. From now on, it's only going to be the truth.

463. All right. Tell you what.

464. I'll sneak over later and we'll have a nice game of chess.

465. Good, but hurry, 'cause I got a toothache.

466. Me, too.

467. Toothache? Why is he holding his back?

468. Fú Oh, I love my earrings, darling.

469. How did you know I wanted them?

470. When you pointed to them at Pierre's,

471. you nearly broke the window.

472.

473. Oh, and thank you, Kay, for the perfume.

474. Oh, it's powerful stuff, doll.

475. Don't use it if you're only kidding.

476. And thank you, Roger, for the handkerchief.

477. My dear, it was nothing.

478. You're right.

479. A toast to my wife.

480. - Yes. - Perfect.

481. - Carol. - Carol. - To Carol.

482. - Thank you.

483. Excuse me. Be right back.

484. And you thought I'd forgotten your birthday, huh?

485. Hello? Yes, yes. She's right here.

486. Carol, Carol.

487. - For me? - It's for you.

488. Nobody knows I'm here.u!

489. It's for you just the same.

490. Thank you, Roger.

491. Hello?

492. Oh, Wilbur, how thoughtful. A singing telegram.

493. A singing— Yes.

494. Happy birthday, Carol.

495. Oh, thank you. Thank you very much.

496. SA Closed-Captioned By J.R. Media Services, Inc. Burbank, CA

497. ♪ I am Mister Ed ♪

498. This has been a Filmways television presentation.