Mister Ed 1x22

1.

2. Hello, I'm Mr. Ed.

3.

4. Could you take pictures of both children

5. at the same time?

6. Sure. My horse Bernadine don't mind.

7. She can carry the whole family,

8. and you can climb on, too, lady.

9. Me? Oh.

10. Gee, you're lazy. Come on, Ed, let's go.

11. Backseat driver.

12. Stop kidding around.

13. Who's kidding? My bunions are killing me.

14. I never met such a goldbrick.

15. Remember, it was your idea to come to the park.

16. I thought I was going to a picnic,

17. not a steeplechase.

18. You are just lazy.

19. Look at that horse over there,

20. working for a living.

21. I'll have your picture ready in a couple minutes, lady.

22. Thank you. Can we all stay on the horse?

23. Sure. Bernadine don't care.

24. She's got a strong back.

25. Strong back?

26. That poor, old horse is ready for Social Security.

27. She looks okay to me.

28. Please. She's due right now

29. for the rocking chair and the shawl.

30. Come on, Ed.

31. Your picture taken?

32. No, thank you, no.

33. It's a nice-looking horse you got there.

34. How old is she?

35. Bernadine's 18.

36. - How old is yours? - Seven.

37. Although he acts like he's ready

38. for the rocking chair and the shawl.

39. Yeah, he does look lazy.

40. Hmm. Only time he moves is to lie down.

41. How would you like to buy him?

42. He's for sale.

43. No, thanks.

44. Bernadine's got a lot of good years left in her.

45. Why, I work her seven days a week,

46. 12, 14 hours a day, and she never complains.

47. Well, if you should change your mind,

48. my name is Post, and I live on Valley Road.

49. Huh, funny-looking kids.

50. Hey, lady, they came out great,

51. beautiful children.

52. Wilbur, so you're going to sell me, huh?

53. Well, you don't scare me a bit.

54. No? Your four knees were shaking like castanets.

55. That man's horse works 14 hours a day,

56. and she never complains.

57. How can she? She can't talk.

58. Ed, some day you're going to find out

59. that you can't enjoy life unless you work.

60. I've been pretty happy so far.

61.

62. Making Bernadine work 14 hours a day.

63. There ought to be a horse labor law.

64. Come on, Ed. Let's go home.

65. Yeah, I've just got to talk to you.

66. Why, of course, sweetie.

67. Are you and Wilbur coming with us to the movie tonight?

68. I don't know.

69. Wilbur hasn't come back from the park yet.

70. He spends so much time with that horse.

71. Sometimes I—

72. Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know Roger was napping.

73. Oh, you can talk. He's fast asleep.

74. Watch.

75. Doll, I'm going shopping.

76. I'm going to spend all your money.

77. Now, if that didn't wake him, nothing will.

78. He looks so comfortable like that.

79. Oh, he is.

80. He always sleeps with his hand on his wallet.

81. When do you expect Wilbur back?

82. That's what I wanted to talk to you about.

83. When Wilbur's with that horse,

84. ÷tl never know when he's coming home.

85. Hmm. He certainly spends a lot of time

86. with that animal.

87. Tell me, sweetie, when you got married,

88. who signed the license, you or the horse?

89. Sometimes I think I'd get more attention from Wilbur

90. if I grew a tail.

91. Let me give you a tip on how to handle your husband.

92. It's worked with mine for years.

93. Now, you see? It's just—

94.

95. Make sure that his wallet's on the outside.

96.

97.

98. I don't know why I bought you this saddle,

99. you loafer.

100. I should have got you a sleeping bag instead.

101. That poor, old horse Bernadine.

102. He works her seven days a week.

103. That's all you have talked about

104. since we came home.

105. She's 18 years old.

106. If Bernadine was human, she would be 126.

107. Ed, that is enough.

108. Would you let a 126-year-old woman

109. carry kids on her back?

110. If she enjoyed it, yes.

111. A great humanitarian, you are not.

112. Look, Ed, Bernadine is not my horse,

113. so what do you want me to do?

114. Let her come live with us.

115. What's another mouth to feed?

116. Don't press your luck, Ed.

117. I have enough trouble with Carol, just keeping you.

118. Will you send me out to work when I'm 126?

119.

120. Oh, stop being so dramatic.

121. I can see the inscription on my tombstone—

122. "Here lies Ed... kw

123. dead."

124. Look, I don't want to hear another word

125. about that horse.

126. Wilbur, I hate to interfere in other people's lives,

127. but if you're wise,

128. you'll take a little friendly tip.

129. - What is it? - Sell your horse.

130.

131. Sell Ed? Why?

132. Either that or sell your wife,

133. and with the cold weather approaching,

134. I would say Carol is a better bet.

135. Has Carol been complaining about Ed again?

136. She certainly has.

137. You know, you're spending too much time with him.

138. My boy, take a little friendly tip.

139. Spend more time with the little woman,

140. and it might not be a bad idea to bring her some flowers tonight.

141. - Flowers? - Mm-hmm.

142. That's a good idea,

143. but I wish Carol had told me how she felt.

144. The time to start worrying is when they stop talking.

145. You're right.

146. I remember, now.

147. Carol didn't say a word just before I proposed to her.

148. She sat there staring at me,

149. so to make small talk,

150. I said, "How about getting married?"

151. Wilbur, I'll never understand

152. why you spend so much time with that stupid animal.

153.

154. You shouldn't have said that. You hurt his feelings.

155. What?

156. Animals can tell how you feel about them

157. by the tone of your voice.

158. They can?

159. Trouble-maker!

160.

161. You're very juvenile.

162. What about that poor, old Bernadine?

163. That is enough.

164. Aw.

165. Haven't you got a heart?

166. All right.

167. 126-years-old and still working.

168. Ed, I'm warning you. You better watch it.

169. How can I, through that door?

170. You heard what Addison said.

171. I'm paying too much attention to you

172. and not enough to Carol.

173. That's going to lead to trouble,

174. and trouble is the last thing

175. I want around my house.

176. I'm going out to buy Carol some flowers now,

177. xU and I don't want to hear another word out of you.

178. Now, about that Bernadine.

179.

180. I wonder where Wilbur went.

181. I'm afraid we're going to be late for the movie.

182. He's probably out for a stroll with Mister Ed.

183. I wouldn't be surprised if he and that horse eloped.

184. Oh, I'd hate to miss the opening of the picture.

185. You never know what's going on anyway.

186. And what sort of a nasty crack is that?

187. My dear, at the movie,

188. you'uwre either gabbing, buying candy,

189. or looking for your shoe.

190. Oh, what a lucky girl I was

191. to have married the perfect man.

192. No. No, my dear,

193. you were not lucky. You were blessed.

194. Didn't Wilbur tell you where he was going?

195. - He knows that—

196. Excuse me.

197. Wilbur.

198. Telegram, ma'am.

199. Are you Mrs. Pootz— Putz— Post?

200. Wilbur, this is no time for games.

201. Congratulations on your anniversary, Mrs. Post.

202. What anniversary?

203. You've been married exactly three years,

204. eight months, six days, 11 hours, and 12 minutes.

205. I never get flowers.

206. Darling, you're right.

207. Tomorrow morning, I'm going to turn you loose in the garden

208. with a pair of shears.

209. Thanks, doll.

210. Oh, thank you, honey.

211. You know, for a while there,

212. I was beginning to think you preferred your horse to me.

213. Are you kidding?

214. Ed may have more legs than you,

215. but in nylons he's nothing.

216. Well, now that we've had a belly-full of this mush,

217. shall we get on to the movie?

218. - Right.

219. I'll get it. I'll cut it short, honey.

220. I'll get the car.

221. Hello.

222. How can you sit at the movie

223. while Bernadine stands on fallen arches?

224. Look, I told you I refuse to discuss it.

225. I'll— I'll be right out.

226. I'll— I'll phone you from my office.

227. Be right back, honey.

228. Who was that on the phone, dear?

229. Jerry Williams. He wants to discuss a business deal.

230. It's kind of confidential,

231. so I'm going to phone him from my office.

232. All right.

233. Oh, honey, don't stand too close to the roses.

234. Why not?

235. Next to you, they look like weeds.

236. Oh, isn't Wilbur wonderful?

237. Flowers, compliments, kissing my hand.

238. If my husband acted that way,

239. I would have him followed.

240. Oh, I don't have to worry about my Wilbur.

241. He's like the geyser in Yellowstone Park—

242. Old Faithful.

243. So young.

244. Ed, you are acting like a child.

245. Now, I don't want to hear another word about Bernadine.

246. But why can't she live with us?

247. Two can live as cheap as one.

248. Not when they both eat like horses.

249. Okay, then I won't eat.

250. Give her my food.

251. Now where's Wilbur?

252. By the time we get to that movie,

253. it'll be on TV.

254. Relax, doll. The prices changed hours ago.

255. I'm sorry, Roger. Wilbur had a call from Jerry Williams.

256. Jerry Williams?

257. He left for Europe yesterday.

258. Well, sweetie, he could have called from the boat.

259. That would be a good trick since he took a plane.

260. A plane?

261. Yeah. Oh, no, no, it must be somebody else.

262. I'd better turn off the motor.

263. Why would xWilbur say Jerry Williams called if he didn't?

264. That's a good question.

265. Kissing my hand, bringing me flowers,

266. full of complements.

267. Why is he doing all this suddenly?

268. Oh, well, darling, it could be any reason.

269. Your husband loves you, and he wants you to be happy.

270. Or he has a guilty conscience.

271. Your reason will sound better in court.

272. Ed, they're waiting for me.

273. Poor Bernadine is 130 years old.

274. You said she was 126.

275. Well, you know how women lie about their ages.

276. Look, I have just made up with Carol,

277. and I don't intend to start any more arguments.

278. Now, go to sleep.

279. I won't sleep. Will you?

280. I don't want to hear another word about this.

281. It's over. It's settled. It's finished.

282. It's...

283. Final.

284. Final!

285. About Bernadine...

286. Go eat your hay.

287. Smarty-pants.

288. Ah, let's go. Coming, princess?

289. Wilbur, who did you say called you before?

290. Huh? Oh, Jerry Williams.

291. That Jerry Williams, never stops working.

292. Here it is, 8:00, and he's still talking business.

293. Several days ago we started on an expedition to the movies.

294. What happened? Have I lost the safari?

295. Sorry, Roger.

296. Come on, girls, let's go.

297. Don't be suspicious, dear.

298. Whatever you think Wilbur's up to,

299. we are probably mistaken.

300. I just hope Old Faithful

301. isn't blowing off steam for somebody else.

302. Boy, that movie really put me to sleep.

303. Wilbur.

304. Huh?

305. Do you like my hair this way?

306. Huh?

307. Oh, yeah, like it right where it is,

308. top of your head.

309. Goodnight.

310. Would you like me better if I changed the color?

311. Huh?

312. How about if I dyed it red...

313. or— or black...

314. or do you like platinum better?

315. Honey, I'd like you if you were bald.

316. Don't you care how I look?

317. Honey, you can be red one day

318. and brunette the next.

319. I don't care.

320. I like girls with convertible tops.

321. - Wilbur. - Hmm?

322. Do you love me?

323. Of course.

324. - Say it. - Huh?

325. Say it.

326. Oh...

327. Night.

328. Is it so hard for you to say, "I love you"?

329. I love ya.

330. I can't sleep.

331. Then take a pill.

332. I don't want a pill.

333. Would you mind getting me one?

334. Something seems to be keeping me awake.

335.

336. Wilbur...

337. is there anything you think I should know?

338. Wilbur, there's something we must discuss.

339. I know you weren't talking to Jerry Williams tonight,

340. and if there's some other woman in your life,

341. please tell me.

342. ño Oh...

343. No... No...

344. No, Bernadine.

345. No, Bernadine.

346.

347. No...

348. I can't support two.

349. No...

350. Carol would never let me have

351. another around the house.

352. I can't—

353. Bernadine.

354. Bernadine.

355. Bernadine who?

356. Bernadine.

357. Bernadine who?

358. Bernadine who?

359. Bernadine who?

360. ÷ Ready for breakfast, dear.

361. What's for breakfast, honey?

362. Your favorite.

363. Black toast?

364. Burnt eggs?

365. Charred bacon?

366. Where did you get this, at a fire sale?

367. Maybe you should have married a better cook.

368. Didn't you sleep well last night, dear?

369. No, but you did...

370. with a big smile on your face.

371. Hi, Kay.

372. Good morning, Wilbur.

373. Kay, I wouldn't go in the kitchen.

374. You're liable to be hit with a frying pan.

375. She is in a bad mood today.

376. I wonder why.

377. Kay, would you do me a favor—

378. find out what's bothering her?

379. s You mean, you have no idea?

380. Hmm?

381. Oh, yeah, we talked about it last night.

382. 0 She made it very plain.

383. Well, what are you going to do about it?

384. Hmm? Nothing.

385. She wants red hair, it's okay with me.

386. Excuse me, I'm going to feed Ed.

387. Now, who's Bernadine?

388. I thought you were Wilbur.

389. Bernadine who?

390. I don't know.

391. Wilbur talked about her in his sleep last night.

392. Oh, poor, little doll.

393. Kay, I'm going to have it out with him.

394. Oh, no, sweetie, that would be the worst thing you could do.

395. Well, what do you expect me to do, keep quiet?

396. i Look, darling, once you tell him you know,

397. it could be the finish.

398. Just be patient.

399. Oh, don't eat that, Kay. I burned it on purpose.

400. Mmm, tastes fine to me.

401. This is how Addison always cooks my breakfast.

402. Oh, Kay, what am I going to do?

403. Look, doll...

404. I'll have my husband pump Wilbur.

405. Men tell each other things they never tell their wives.

406. Oh, but then Wilbur will know I know.

407. Oh, no, doll.

408. Addison may not be the brightest man in the world,

409. but he ranks with the sneakiest.

410. I wonder what Bernadine looks like.

411. [rapid chattering from phone]

412. Yes, Wilbur.

413. Uh, W—

414. Wilbur, stop shouting.

415. Stop shouting?

416. Why, I have never heard of such a thing.

417. The crime is done.

418. I've already kidnapped Bernadine.

419. Ed, you are going to get me into a lot of trouble.

420. She'll never punch a time clock again.

421. I'm putting her out to pasture.

422. Ed, Bernadine's owner, this Charlie Woods, just called me.

423. He knows she's missing.

424. Where are you calling from?

425. That phone booth in the parking lot on Laurel Road.

426. Oh, I owe you a dime.

427. Dime?

428. I took it off of your desk.

429. Go ahead, add robber to your charges.

430. Look, I am not going to change my mind.

431. You know how I feel about Bernadine.

432. You stay right where you are. I'm coming over.

433. We're going to settle this once and for all.

434. Oh, hi, Roger. Look, I got to run.

435. Wilbur...

436. there's something I want to talk to you about.

437. Not now. I'm in a hurry.

438. But this is important.

439. You know, there comes a time in every married man's life

440. when he feels like stepping out.

441. Don't do it, Roger. Kay's a wonderful girl.

442. Didn't Wilbur say where he was going?

443. No, he just jumped in the car and drove off.

444. But you were supposed to have that talk with him.

445. - I did. - Well, what did he say?

446. He said I should stick with you.

447. What?

448. He never even came in to say goodbye.

449. Oh, I'm sure this is a misunderstanding.

450. Wilbur just isn't the type.

451. Of course he isn't.

452. And at least you'll get the house.

453.

454. Wilbur wouldn't even look at another woman.

455. Where's my Bernadine?

456. Oh...

457. Mr. Post stole her from me.

458. - Just a minute, my good man. - I'll take him to court.

459. There are laws against these things.

460. You have only yourself u$to blame.

461. If you had treated her properly,

462. she never would have left you.

463. Mister, don't tell me how to handle Bernadine.

464. I haven't laid a whip to her in years.

465. No wonder you can't hold onto her.

466. I don't want to argue.

467. Where's my Bernadine?

468. With my husband.

469. What's he want with her?

470. She's 18 years old.

471. 18 years old?

472. That's right,

473. and she's got another four or five good years

474. left in her.

475. That is no way to talk about your wife.

476. What?

477. Bernadine is a horse.

478. He married her. He ought to know.

479. Look, I don't know what's going on around here,

480. but where's my horse?

481. I've got to take pictures in the park.

482. I've got to make a living.

483. Do you mean Bernadine is really a horse?

484. - Sure. - With four legs?

485. What other kind is there?

486. Oh, thank you.

487. Hey, what's going on?

488. Mr. Post, I've been looking for you.

489. Where's Bernadine?

490. She's outside. I just brought her back.

491. What's the idea of stealing my horse?

492. I didn't steal your horse.

493. My horse stole her.

494. No, I mean, he didn't steal her.

495. He thought she was working too hard.

496. Why, I mean, he doesn't know—

497. Well—

498. Hey, what's going on?

499. You're a kook.

500. Excuse me.

501. I'm not well.

502. I've had better days myself.

503. - Wilbur. - I know. I know.

504. You're upset because I've been spending so much time with Ed.

505. Come here.

506. Why were you kissing that man?

507. Why, Wilbur, you're jealous.

508. I'm surprised at you.

509. If a couple can't trust each other,

510. what is there to a marriage?

511. You're right, dear, I shouldn't have been jealous...

512. but why were you hugging that man?

513. Oh, Wilbur.

514. People— they sure can get a horse into a lot of trouble.

515.

516. Well]÷, wise guy.

517. I just had a talk with Bernadine's owner.

518. You know what he says?

519. Yeah?

520. She was a scrawny, unhappy animal when he got her.

521. Now she's happy and healthy, and do you know why?

522. Yeah?

523. Because she loves to work.

524. She loves to work?

525. That's right.

526. Only proves some horses are dumb animals.

527. í< ♪ A horse is a horse, of course, of course ♪

528. ♪ I am Mister Ed ♪

529. This has been a Filmways television presentation.