Mister Ed 1x20

1.

2. Hello, I'm Mr. Ed.

3.

4. Hello.

5. Oh, hi, Carol. This is Kay.

6. Did you get up enough nerve to ask Wilbur to buy you your own car, yet?

7. No, I haven't.

8. Well, sweetie, if I were you I—

9. Why are you breathing so heavily?

10. Me? I thought it was you.

11. Sweetie, ask Wilbur for the car.

12. If I were that afraid of my husband

13. my mink would still be running around in the forest.

14. Maybe you're right.

15. I'll ask him this morning. See you later.

16. Hey, Ed, have you been eavesdropping again?

17. Yes and no.

18. What do you mean yes and no?

19. Yes if you saw me and no if you didn't.

20. Oh, I saw you and you should be ashamed of yourself.

21. All right, then, I won't tell you what I just heard on the phone.

22. Good.

23. I don't want to hear it.

24. Okay, but when you're married you need all the help you can get.

25. Ed, I told you I do not want to hear it.

26. Carol was talking to Kay and it's gonna cost you a fortune.

27. But if you don't want to hear it, let's skip it.

28. Huh.

29. Oh.

30. Ed, what is gonna cost me a fortune?

31. Well, you said you didn't want to hear it, so my lips are sealed.

32. Ed, you talk or there won't be any television for you tonight.

33. The next voice you hear will be Ed the blabber mouth.

34. All right, let's hear it.

35. Your wife wants her own car.

36. She does? She does.

37. She does?

38. She does what?

39. Wants her own car.

40. - Who does? - My wife.

41. She does?

42. Well, I hope you're getting ready to turn her down.

43. Oh, well, first, I mean, I'll try to be fair.

44. I'll listen to what she has to say

45. and then I'll turn her down.

46. Good boy.

47. Hold fast because if you get Carol that car,

48. if I know Kay, she'll want something, too.

49. Boy, will I turn her down.

50. Good. Now, remember you got to promise me—

51. Wilbur, I'm sorry to hear about your losses.

52. If things don't get better

53. and you feel that you have to borrow money from me,

54. don't hesitate to ask.

55. Money? But I— I— I don't need—

56. Oh.

57. Thank you, Roger.

58. I'll let you know.

59. I'm sorry, Carol.

60. Wilbur, why are you borrowing money?

61. Borrowing money?

62. Now don't you try to hide any bad news from me.

63. I'm not.

64. It's nothing that I can't take care of myself.

65.

66. Well, what can I do for you?

67. Well, I was thinking that may—

68. Are you sure everything's all right?

69. Look, darling,

70. no matter what happens, we...

71. we still have each other.

72. Of course, that's— that's all we may have.

73. Well, what can I do for you?

74. Well, I've given this a great deal of thought, and I—

75. Nothing.

76. I-I was just wondering if you could spare the car.

77. I have some shopping I have to do.

78. Oh, sure.

79. You know, honey, if I'm not using the car,

80. it's yours.

81. Aw, thank you, dear.

82. Of course, if you could find a street without any parking meters,

83. I'd appreciate it.

84. Wilbur, if you think we should be cutting down on expenses—

85. Now, now, now.

86. Things aren't that bad.

87. Yet.

88. What are we having for dinner tonight, dear?

89. Well, I was planning on prime rib,

90. but I'll make it hot dogs now.

91. Better make it one each.

92. Gladly, dear.

93.

94. Wilbur, I think it worked.

95. Oh, I feel like a heel.

96. I mean, I feel awful.

97. Did you see how sad she looked?

98. Let's face it, buddy boy,

99. a woman is a sometime thing.

100. Yeah. Sometimes they drive you nuts.

101.

102. Hello.

103. Oh, hello, Wilbur.

104. It worked, huh?

105. Great.

106. Fooled Carol completely, eh?

107. Oh, I knew you could talk her out of that car.

108. There's nothing easier

109. than pulling the wool over your wife's eyes.

110. And was I convincing.

111. Carol's liable to go out now and look for a job.

112.

113. Wonderful. Hey, Wilbur.

114. Wilbur, why are you breathing so heavily?

115. Have we been cut off?

116. Well, no, it's probably a loose connection.

117. You know you can always count

118. on that poverty routine. It always works.

119. I've been pulling it for years on Kay.

120. For a couple of months now, she's been trying to get me

121. to buy her an expensive strand of pearls,

122. and I keep getting her off the track by—

123. by—

124. Bye-bye, Wilbur.

125. I'll bet you think I didn't know you were there all the time.

126. That's why I made up that ridiculous—

127. How dare you spy on me?

128. That was very sneaky,

129. telling Wilbur not to buy Carol a car.

130. You advise her. Why can't I advise him?

131. Two wrongs don't make a right. Carol needs a car of her own.

132. Like you need that string of pearls.

133. I'll have those pearls in the morning.

134. Only if you dive for them tonight.

135. With me advising Carol, they better get a two-car garage.

136. I wouldn't bet on that, my dear.

137. I'd bet my new string of pearls on it.

138. It's a deal.

139. - If Carol gets the car, you get the pearls. - Fine.

140. But if she doesn't get the car,

141. then you hand over your charger plate to me for two months.

142. Two whole months?

143. Oh, how can I have been such a fool?

144. Wilbur acted as though we were going bankrupt.

145. He looked so sad I could have cried.

146. Oh, boy oh boy, what a prize simpleton I am.

147. And I never even got to ask for the car.

148. Sweetie. Take it easy,

149. or you'll have a wall-to-wall omelet.

150. Oh, that Wilbur!

151. How did he even know I was gonna ask for the car?

152. I think Addison has our house bugged.

153. I'm not gonna give up.

154. Attagirl. Remember, you're fighting for two of us—

155. your car and my pearls.

156. Oh, who does he think he is?

157. Why, I'm gonna go right out there and tell him a thing or two.

158. Oh, he probably thinks I'm the stupidest thing that ever lived.

159. No, no, no. That's no way. Tell him nothing.

160. You've got to hit him in his weak spot.

161. Weak spots?

162. Well, yes. You know who your husband loves the most.

163. Oh, what a silly thing to say. Of course I do.

164. Good. We agree. It's the horse.

165. - The horse? - Why, yes. Now listen.

166. I've been in the marital ring for a heck of a long time,

167. and I'll tell you, you've got to keep punching all the time.

168. Ed, what's the matter?

169. My ears are burning. Someone's talking about me.

170. Maybe they're saying nice things for a change.

171. According to my horoscope, I shouldn't leave the barn today.

172. Oh, Ed, I'm surprised at you.

173. I didn't think you believed in that stuff.

174. Well, they warned Julius Caesar,

175. and you know where he got it.

176. - Ed. - Right in the labonza.

177. Relax. You got nothing to worry about.

178. Oh, no?

179. If I were a cat, I'd be up a tree now.

180. Oh, take it easy, Ed.

181. Wilbur, don't leave me today.

182. You're acting like a baby.

183. Well, I'm only seven and a half years old.

184. You've got nothing to worry about.

185. There is no safer place in the world than a barn.

186. Wilbur, come on. We're late.

187. Wilbur.

188. I'm worried.

189. Now Kay overheard our telephone conversation,

190. and still Carol hasn't asked you to buy that car.

191. Well, what are you worried about?

192. She knows what my answer will be.

193. Good boy. Stick with it. I got a string of pearls riding on you.

194. Those pearls will never leave the oyster.

195. But Carol must know by now that you tricked her.

196. It's just not natural for a wife not to fight back.

197. I'm not worried. Carol isn't the sneaky type.

198. That's what Samson said,

199. just before Delilah reached for the scissors.

200. You're upsetting yourself over nothing, believe me.

201. We can outwit our wives. No, we can't.

202. u They've got your horse hitched to a carriage.

203. Whoa, Mr. Ed.

204. - What is all this, honey? - Isn't it a great idea?

205. I thought we'd use Mr. Ed for transportation.

206. Look, I've been pulling this for two days.

207. Put a stop to it.

208. Well, it's not so bad.

209. The only thing I want behind me is my tail.

210. Try to hold out a little bit longer.

211. I think Carol's starting to weaken.

212. Well, now, that's just fine.

213. I'm pulling a wagon, and she's weakening.

214. - Shh. Uh-oh. - Huh?

215. Oh.

216.

217. Wilbur, I'm proud of you.

218. Kay hasn't even mentioned those pearls in a couple of days.

219. That's great. But you know, pulling this heavy wagon

220. is kind of hard on my horse.

221. Well, that's what he's for. He's only a dumb animal.

222.

223. He nearly stepped on me.

224. Come on, girls. It's a lovely day for a ride.

225.

226. Oh, my, I just can't wait

227. to go riding in that surrey.

228. Mama mia.

229. Well, up you go, Flobelle.

230. - All right. - Here we go.

231.

232.

233. Uh-oh.

234.

235. There we go.

236. Bye.

237.

238. Help.

239. This is fun. Bye.

240. - Wilbur. - Can't you see?

241. She's just trying to get to me through you.

242. The innocent always suffer.

243. Give her the car.

244. Ed, it'll only last for a few days.

245. You'll see. She'll give in.

246. I wasn't cut out for work. I'm a playboy.

247. SPCA?

248. May I speak to the Cruelty to Horses Division?

249.

250. Hello, Mrs. Adams speaking.

251. Do you protect poor, dumb horses?

252. We certainly do.

253. Do you know of one that's being mistreated?

254. They're making him pull an overloaded carriage

255. that the 20-Mule Team couldn't pull.

256. Well, that is awful.

257. May I please have your name?

258. Oh, uh,

259. just call me an animal lover.

260. Well, would you give me

261. the name of the guilty party?

262. Well, I'm not a squealer,

263. but her name is Mrs. Post.

264. 17230 Valley Road,

265. and please hurry.

266. This poor horse can't talk like you and me.

267. Don't you worry.

268. I'll attend to this personally this afternoon.

269. Thank you.

270. j Honey?

271. Yeah?

272. Honey, would you please hitch up Mr. Ed?

273. I'm expecting the girls any minute now.

274. Where are you taking them today?

275. Oh, we haven't decided yet.

276. it's so much fun just driving him around town.

277. Will that Flobelle McGuire be going?

278. Of course.

279. Honey, she must weigh at least 200 pounds.

280. 220. Oh, and Flobelle has a twin sister

281. who's going to join us today.

282. A twin— Is she—

283. 230.

284. Hello, Flobelle?

285. We're all ready. We'll be there in a few minutes.

286. - Carol, listen.

287. Oh, excuse me, dear.

288. Carol, listen to me.

289. You are not gonna take Ed out of the barn today.

290. He's been sneezing and he looks tired.

291. But, dear, I'm only doing it for you.

292. I'm Mrs. Adams of the SPCA.

293. - Are you Mrs. Post? - Yes. Won't you come in, please?

294. Thank you.

295. We have a complaint that you've been abusing your horse.

296. - A complaint? - Oh, but that's ridiculous.

297. My wife adores our horse. Don't you, dear?

298. - Oh, yes, I adore him. - Yeah.

299. May I see the horse, please?

300. - Now? - Yeah, well, he's now having

301. z his regular three-hour nap.

302. But we have some lovely photographs of him in our album.

303. They're in color. Shows his nice, healthy cheeks, rosy and all.

304. I'll get them for you.

305. Why, there he is,

306. with his head sticking out of the barn door.

307. Believe me, Mrs. Adams, my wife loves animals.

308. I know. She's been married to me for three years.

309. Can I please see the poor animal?

310. Oh, Wilbur.

311. Now look what you got us into, huh?

312. Mrs. Adams, we would never mistreat our horse.

313. What's wrong with him?

314. Uh, well, I told you, he was taking his nap.

315. Let's tiptoe out of here.

316. Just a minute, please.

317. Uh, my wife just fed him a big lunch.

318. He never nibbles between meals.

319. No horse ever refuses sugar cubes.

320. He, uh—

321. He never eats sugar.

322. Um, I mean, he likes apples.

323. Just Washington apples.

324. Well, he just won't eat a thing.

325. This horse is not well.

326. I don't understand it.

327. Honestly, Wilbur, we girls never took him to the park.

328. We only took him a few blocks from the house,

329. just to fool you.

330. [Ed] Achoo!

331. Gesundheit, Ed.

332. I just don't understand what's wrong with him.

333. Ñú I'll be back with a warrant

334. to take him away.

335. Mrs. Adams, I can explain everything.

336. Mr. Ed has never worked a day in his life.

337. The reason my wife had him pull a carriage—

338. What's going on here?

339. Oh, Wilbur, I'm sorry I started the whole thing.

340. You don't have to buy me a new car.

341. Oh.

342. Your charger plate, my dear.

343.

344.

345. You. You're on your feet.

346. Well, she said she was getting a warrant

347. to take me away.

348. So you were faking.

349. Yeah, everything except this cold.

350.

351. I wet my feet down myself the other day to get it.

352. You mean you deliberately caught cold

353. so you could get Carol into trouble?

354. Well, when that woman comes back,

355. you better tell her the truth yourself.

356. Oh, I talk only to you.

357. Oh, no. You've outsmarted yourself this time, Ed.

358. You'd better tell the truth tomorrow to that woman,

359. or tomorrow you're gonna be pulling a milk wagon.

360. Man, I thought I had set up a perfect crime.

361. Well?

362. Okay.

363. I'll talk.

364. You'd better.

365. I'm a pretty sick horse,

366. and you're awfully mean to me.

367. Ah.

368.

369. Oh, my aching back.

370. Now, now. Everything's gonna be all right, honey.

371. But you still haven't told me.

372. How are you going to convince Mrs. Adams

373. that I never mistreated Mr. Ed?

374. Uh...

375. well...

376. Look, I was gonna keep it a secret,

377. but Ed's gonna clear you.

378. Ed? How?

379. Well, I can't tell you now,

380. because you won't believe me.

381. But he'll do it, because you wouldn't want to pull a milk wagon, either.

382. I'm in trouble, and you're making up riddles.

383.

384. Oh, Ed, this is gonna be a great day for me.

385. Not only are you gonna clear Carol,

386. but people are gonna find out that I am not out of my mind,

387. because you can really talk.

388. Ed, you're not angry with me, are you?

389. Well, why don't you say something?

390. Ed, you haven't changed your mind.

391. Well, why aren't you talking to me?

392. Laryngitis?

393. But that means—

394. Ed, you've got to talk!

395.

396. How? I don't know,

397. but, Ed, that lady will be here soon, and—

398. We've got to make you talk, or Carol will be in trouble.

399. Real trouble.

400.

401. Open wide, Ed.

402. Try it again. Say, "Ahh."

403.

404. No. Open.

405. Now, again. "Ahh."

406.

407. No.

408. Well, let's take the tube,

409. and we'll try this horse aspirin.

410. - This'll fix you up.

411. No, I'm just gonna put it in the tube, see?

412. Now into the mouth, and I'm gonna blow on three.

413. Okay, ready? Open wide. Open wide. That's it.

414. Open up. Ready? now.

415. One, two—

416.

417.

418. Very funny.

419. Now if I just add a little Epsom salts.

420.

421. Oh, now, it'll be all right. Just stand still.

422. There. There we go. All right, now.

423. There, you'll feel fine. Attaboy.

424. Good boy.

425. Just stand still.

426.

427. Whoa, there we go. One more,

428. and there we are.

429. Well, now how is that, Ed? You feel better?

430.

431. Hmm.

432. Let's just take your temperature again.

433. Open up. Open up. Open wide.

434. Come on. Open up.

435. There. Now hold it.

436. Just hold it in now.

437. Just a few more seconds.

438. Your temperature can't be that bad.

439. That's it.

440. Aren't you a little old to be playing doctor?

441. Ed has laryngitis.

442. Oh? I suppose he told you that.

443. No, he wrote a note.

444. Good-bye, Wilbur. You helped me win a bet,

445. but I think you suffered a nervous breakdown in doing it.

446. Ah, you're coming back to normal.

447. Aren't you glad I sprayed your throat?

448. Mmm, that pill. Whew.

449. Well, I don't understand it, Mrs. Post.

450. I checked on you in the neighborhood,

451. and you seem to enjoy a fine reputation.

452. Believe me, Mrs. Adams, I would never harm our horse.

453. But he looked so ill when I saw him yesterday.

454. Mrs. Adams, before you do a thing,

455. we've got to have a little talk.

456. It's too late for that, Mr. Post.

457. It's very obvious the animal is unhappy here.

458. He seems like a different animal.

459. Believe me, he loves my wife.

460. He loves her more than I do.

461.

462. I promise you, Mrs. Adams,

463. I'll never hitch Mr. Ed to a wagon again.

464. She won't have to...

465. with her own new car.

466. Wilbur!

467. Well, I guess you are happy here, anyway.

468. It's a Washington apple.

469. Oh, it's beautiful,

470. just beautiful!

471. Oh, thanks again, honey.

472. Me? All you have to do is ask.

473. What a nice husband.

474. Walking's for the birds.

475. I gotta buy myself a car someday.

476. Closed-Captioned By J.R. Media Services, Inc. Burbank, CA

477. ♪ I am Mister Ed ♪

478. This has been a Filmways television presentation.