Mister Ed 1x18

1.

2. Hello, I'm Mr. Ed.

3. Honey, I got wonderful news.

4. Carol, honey!

5. Wilbur, I'm down here.

6. Honey, I got wonderful news for you,

7. but you got to promise me you won't get excited.

8. All right. What is it?

9. Yeah, well, first promise me.

10. All right, I promise. What's the news?

11. Well, you better sit down so you don't get excited.

12. What is it?

13. - Well, sit down. - I'm sitting down.

14. Yeah, I think you'll be excited.

15. Well, last month I was at the architects' convention,

16. - and I met the editor of Home Beautiful magazine. - Yes?

17. And he's sending a photographer over here

18. to take pictures of our house.

19. Oh, how nice.

20. And she'll be here tomorrow.

21. Oh, well, let's see. I'll—

22. Tomorrow?

23. I knew you'd get excited.

24. Look at the house. Just look at it.

25. Oh, how could you do this to me?

26. Why didn't you tell me yesterday?

27. I just found out today.

28. That's a pretty poor excuse.

29. Oh, I'll never have the time.

30. Who are you calling?

31. The cleaning girl.

32. You had the house cleaned yesterday.

33. Look at it. It's all dusty.

34. Honey, she's coming over here with a camera, not a microscope.

35. Ooh.

36. Look, I thought this would make you happy,

37. but, I mean, if it's going to upset you like this,

38. we can call the whole thing off.

39. Oh, but, honey, look at these drapes.

40. You were supposed to fix the rod last week.

41. You better get up there and fix it now.

42. Oh, and we're supposed to mend the fence

43. and fix the faucet and mow the lawn—

44. Honey.

45. Let's see now. Oh, we'll—

46. Wilbur!

47. You're standing on my best chair.

48. Well, I'm using my best feet.

49. Honey, please, relax.

50. Come on over here. Sit down.

51. This woman is going to come over here

52. and take pictures of the house, not condemn it.

53. But we've got so much to do.

54. I'll do it this afternoon.

55. This afternoon? Why can't you do it now?

56. Well, I was planning on buying Ed some new shoes.

57. Well, if your horse is more important than me,

58. Wilbur Post—

59. Put down that hammer, woman. He owes me money.

60. I hope we're not interrupting anything homicidal.

61. Kay, guess what?

62. Home Beautiful is taking pictures of our house tomorrow.

63. How marvelous!

64. I'll buy a new dress.

65. A new dress? What for?

66. Well, I'm sure our dear neighbors

67. will want us in the pictures, won't you darlings?

68. Of course. We'll go shopping right after lunch.

69. And thanks for inviting us.

70. Oh, you're welcome.

71. Honey, why don't you go shopping with Kay, huh?

72. And don't worry. I'll get everything done.U

73. Honey, maybe we should invite the photographer

74. to lunch tomorrow.

75. Well, I'll fix up a barbecue.

76. I better get started on the fence.

77. Why don't you buy yourself something real expensive, huh?

78.

79. Okay, Mr. Kramer.

80. I'll have the horse over in half an hour.

81. Ed, I'm sorry. I haven't got time to buy you those new shoes.

82. But I just made an appointment for a fitting.

83. Maybe next week.

84. Next week?

85. My shoes are worn down to the edge.

86. Look at them.

87. Oh, they're not too bad.

88. I'm practically walking on my toes.

89. Ed, I got things to do.

90. What am I? A horse or a ballet dancer?

91. You've been bothering me all week.

92. What is all this fuss

93. about getting a new pair of shoes?

94. Well, you know that little chestnut filly

95. that we meet every Sunday when we go riding in the park?

96. The one that wears her tail in the up-sweep?

97. Yeah.

98. Well, I kind of go for her.

99. Hey, you're blushing.

100. Wilbur, it's spring.

101. So that's why you want new shoes.

102.

103. Well, I'm afraid it's going to have to wait, Ed.

104. You see, I'm going to be very busy today.

105. There's a woman coming over from Home Beautiful magazine

106. to take pictures of the house and all of us.

107. - Uh, me too? - You too.

108. With holes in my shoes?

109. Now I know why they call horses "nags".

110. Temper, temper, temper.

111. What can be keeping the girls?

112. Oh, relax, Roger. They've only been gone a half an hour.

113. How much money could Kay spend in that time?

114. How much is the national debt?

115. I don't blame her.

116. She's just wanting to look her best

117. for those magazine shots tomorrow.

118. All this fuss over a silly little magazine.

119. Little?

120. You know, millions of people will be seeing your picture.

121. Million?

122. The magazine has a national circulation.

123. Millions, huh?

124. Well, haven't you seen it down at the golf club?

125. Yeah, now that you mention it.

126. Uh, Wilbur, not that I'm interested,

127. but what suit do you plan to wear for the pictures tomorrow?

128. I wouldn't want us to clash.

129. It's just an informal barbecue.

130. Why don't you wear something simple?

131. Like a tuxedo.

132.

133. Wilbur, if millions of people are going to see us,

134. the least we can do is try to look our best.

135. Oh, I forgot. You have an obligation to your public.

136. For your information,

137. my wife has told me many times

138. that I bear a distinct resemblance to Cary Grant.

139. Did she say Cary or Ulysses?

140. Hardy-har-har.

141. Hardy-har-har-har-har.

142. Ah, millions, huh?

143. Will you stop playing carpenter and think of me?

144. My feet are killing me.

145. çR Oh, these bunions.

146. What's the matter? Can't you hear me?

147. I must be imagining things.

148. Horses can't talk.

149. I'm not talking. I'm begging.

150. Please get me new shoes.

151. Funny, I hear voices but there's no one there.

152. Come on. If you were in love with a little chestnut filly,

153. I'd buy you shoes.

154. Okay. Oh, Ed. You win.

155. Ah.

156. But look, we've got to get back before Carol.

157. So far I haven't fixed the faucet,

158. mended the drapery rod, anything.

159. Oh, bless you, Wilbur.

160. And if it works out, we'll name our first colt after you.

161. Wilbur Colt. That's cute.

162. Yeah.

163.

164. Tornado, how are you this morning?

165. You bad little boy, you didn't finish your breakfast.

166. You need energy.

167. Now if a big, fat gentleman rides you today,

168. you will fall down.

169. Excuse me.

170. Is Mr. Kramer around?

171. Yes, he was, but what's the matter with your horse?

172. He claims he needs new shoes.

173. What?

174. Oh, I mean, he's been limping.

175. Oh.

176. What's his name?

177. Ed, Mr. Ed.

178. Mr. Ed.

179. Well, there's nothing wrong with this shoe.

180. What does he know?

181. What did you say?

182. Uh, I didn't say anything.

183. And this one is all right.

184. His shoes are all fine.

185. They are good for another 500 miles.

186. You would just be wasting your money

187. if you buy new shoes for this horse.

188. Why don't you do what you're supposed to be doing?

189. I asked you to clean the windows.

190. Customer wants horse shoes, and you talk him out of it.

191. Excuse me, Mr. Kramer

192. No, no, Mr. Kramer is right.

193. I am just a goof-up.

194. You're a good man, Axel, but I'm going to have to let you go.

195. Yes, sir. Thank you.

196. Gee, I feel responsible for—

197. No, no, please, mister.

198. Don't feel too bad.

199. Everybody fires me.

200. Mr. Kramer, if I were to buy new shoes for my horse—

201. No, no, he don't need them.

202. If Mr. Kramer sold you new shoes for this horse,

203. he would be stealing your money.

204. Uh, uh, excuse me. I'll pack my bag.

205. Well, I guess we don't need anything today.

206. Just barn shopping.

207. Good-bye, Brownie. You be a good boy.

208. Yinyer. Good-bye Yinyer.

209. y5 Good-bye, Rosebell.

210. Oh, Tornado.

211. xM Tornado, don't you skip breakfasts.

212. You will get headaches.

213. Look, I'm sorry about what happened.

214. Everything is for the best.

215. But what are you going to do now?

216. Oh, I find something. I'm a yak of all trades.

217. A plumber, electrickian.

218. Gardener, painter, carpenter.

219. I bet you couldn't name one job I ain't been fired from.

220. Say, my wife has been after me

221. to do a lot of things around the house.

222. The job is yours if you want it.

223. Why, thank you, but you're making a mistake.

224. No, I'm not. I mean, I need a handyman.

225. Electrickian and all that.

226. You can sleep in our office.

227. Thank you, but you have to promise me one thing.

228. What?

229. When you fire me, don't feel too bad about it.

230. A million things to do

231. and Wilbur is out somewhere with that horse.

232. I knew it. I just knew it.

233. I knew he'd never get to fix these drapes.

234. Well, how does it look?

235. It hangs like a potato sack.

236. Well, then why did you let me buy it?

237. Oh, I'm sorry, Kay.

238. I was talking about the drapes.

239. That dress is beautiful.

240. Oh, I think it's a steal at $85.

241. It certainly is.

242. - Hello, Carol. - Hi, Roger.

243. Another new dress?

244. How much did you pay for this one?

245. 22.50.

246. You got gypped again.

247. What?

248. It hangs like a potato sack.

249. I know, that's why I'm up here trying to fix it.

250. Will somebody please tell me what we're talking about?

251. The photographer is coming tomorrow,

252. and my husband is out buying his horse shoes.

253. - Kay? - Hmm?

254. You think I should wear my red silk cummerbund tomorrow?

255. Good idea.

256. But, uh, leave your sword at home.

257. So long, Carol. See you later.

258. Bye-bye.

259. I'm going home and sharpening my sword.

260. Wilbur.

261. Where have you been?

262. I can't do everything around here.

263. Now, honey, take it easy.

264. We can't discuss this over a hot hammer.

265. Oh, Wilbur.

266. Honey, your troubles are over.

267. I've just hired a handyman

268. to do all the work around the house.

269. Oh.

270. Axel!

271. Thank heavens. We can certainly use him.

272. Oh, he's terrific. He can do anything.

273. This is a beautiful house.

274. By yiminy.

275.

276. Honey, this is Axel.

277. Axel, this is Mrs. Post.

278. It's a pleasure, Mrs. Post.

279. Oh, hello.

280. Oh, thank you.

281. Yeah, well, it's 3 o'clock,

282. and I'm ready to go to work.

283.

284. Right on the nose.

285. But I'm not charging you for any work I do today.

286. What an interesting watch.

287. Well, thank you. It's 14 karats gold.

288. It belonged to my grandfather in Sweden.

289. Yes, it is a good watch. It never lies to me.

290.

291. Well, sometimes.

292.

293. Well, honey. What do you want Axel to do first?

294. py Well, you can start by fixing that rod over there.

295. It's loose. I'll get the list of other things that have to be done.

296. I will be very happy to do that.

297. Your wife is a beautiful woman, Mr. Post.

298. Well, thank you, Axel.

299. Uh, you know, this rod is old.

300. You really need a new one.

301. Yeah, they-they make them now all in one piece.

302. The don't even—

303. They're expensive, too, aren't they?

304.

305. Ah, Axel, you're getter better.

306. You've got that nail half-way in without hitting your finger.

307. Mr. Post, I'm all thumbs from head to foot.

308. Oh, no, you're not.

309. Well, thank you.

310. Aw.

311. I'm always having trouble with hammers.

312. Look, you think you could start a fire in the barbecue?

313. That I can do.

314. I'll have a beautiful fire burning in a yiffy.

315. Axel—

316. Thank you.

317. Hey, Wilbur.

318. With hands like that,

319. he should've been a brain surgeon.

320. Yumping jiminy!

321. Axel, what-what happened?

322. Well, the bag of charcoal was on the ground the wrong way.

323. And I picked it up like this—

324. This is brutal.

325. Axel, you-you better get a broom.

326. Yes, sir.

327. It's in the kitchen.

328. Thank you.

329. Psst.

330. Psst.

331. I still say, "Fire the bum."

332. Yeah, that wouldn't be right.

333. The poor fellow needs help.

334. He thinks he's a failure.

335. He's got my vote.

336. You are just prejudiced against Axel.

337. Well, naturally.

338. I've got a date with that beautiful chestnut filly,

339. and here I am with holes in my shoes.

340. Oh, shine them up. They'll be as good as new.

341. Ah.

342. I'll clean it up, Mr. Post.

343. Ah, fine.

344. Uh, what— What happened to the broom?

345. Well, I—

346. I was taking it out of your broom closet

347. and the handle got yammed.

348. But you don't need to worry.

349. I fix the door later.

350. I wasn't worried. I just—

351. What door?

352. Well, uh, the one that came off the hinges.

353. Oh, great.

354. I better fix it before Carol finds out.

355. Are you sure you can start the fire yourself?

356. Yes, sir.

357. That I can do.

358. I hope we got my barn insured.

359. Wilbur!

360. The house looks beautiful.

361. Just beautiful.

362. Hi, Kay.

363. Hi, Wilbur.

364. Hello. Don't I look gorgeous?

365. You certainly do, Loretta.

366. Today Home Beautiful, tomorrow Playboy.

367. Middle page, of course.

368. Of course.

369. And, Kay, you will let the woman

370. take some pictures of my furniture?

371. Of course, darling.

372. Don't be surprised if I'm sitting on it.

373. Where's Roger?

374. - Beau Brummell? - What?

375. He's waxed his mustache so many times

376. he looks like a candle with two wicks.

377. The woman will be here any moment now.

378. Oh, I think that chair would look better nearer the window.

379. Wilbur!

380. Coming.

381. Axel, maybe you better let me start the fire, huh?

382. Please, no. You'll get that nice suit all dirty.

383. Well, don't be afraid to use lots of charcoal.

384. Yeah.

385. And, uh, you know how

386. to start it with the lighter fluid, huh?

387. Yes, sir.

388. Wilbur?

389. Yes?

390.

391. Yeah?

392. Don't you think this chair

393. would look better nearer the window?

394. Honey, the house is lovely. It's perfect.

395. Oh, thank you, dear.

396. Good afternoon.

397. If you're looking for the U.N. ambassador,

398. you got the wrong house.

399. Wow, a cane, too.

400. I had to tie him down to get his spats off.

401. I thought one of us should be

402. properly dressed for the occasion.

403. I hate to sound catty, doll,

404. but didn't you go a bit heavy on the eye shadow?

405. If you don't think I'm properly dressed for the picture,

406. just say the word and I'll leave.

407. Leave?

408. He wouldn't leave if the house was on fire.

409.

410. Water! Water!

411. I need a pail!

412. Axel, what happened?

413. You know, out there—

414. The hose, Wilbur. Get the hose.

415. I'll get the hose. You get some flour.

416. Axel, what happened?

417. A pail! A pail! I want a pail!

418. Can I use this for—?

419. Agh!

420. Oh, my table, my-my rug—

421. Oh, is that a car outside?

422. I'll go see.

423. Oh, what'll we do?

424. It-it is a car.

425. It stopped.

426. Oh, my beautiful house.

427. It must be. It's the photographer.

428. Oh, no.

429. Mr. Post, I help you.

430. Please, please, Mr. Post.

431. Let me do that.

432. You'll get your nice suit all dirty.

433. Axel, what happened?

434. I put the lighter fluid on like you say.

435. And then I lit a match,

436. and the whole thing went so high—

437. Axel! Axel!

438. I had to put on a towel.

439. Hey, turn that thing off.

440. Oh, Roger, what can I say?

441. I'm sorry—

442.

443. Oh, my—

444. - Please— - She's here.

445. I'll get it, dear.

446. I'm sorry about this.

447. Oh, Wilbur!

448. Hello, I'm Ms. Brooks.

449. From Home—

450. Beautiful?

451. And, good-bye, Mr. Ed.

452. I made enough trouble.

453. You're a nice horse.

454. I hope my snoring didn't bother you last night.

455. It must be nice to be a horse.

456. Nobody expects too much from you.

457. Sometimes I wish I was a horse.

458. Yep.

459. Well—

460. I go over to the Tallyho Stables now,

461. and say good-bye to my other friends.

462. And then, well— Who knows?

463. Good-bye.

464. Uh-oh.

465. I go out the back way.

466. Honey, this is going to be tough.

467. Wilbur, you just have to let him go.

468. He's not here.

469. Wilbur, look.

470. Why, it's Axel's watch.

471. Let's see the note.

472. Please, I would like the missus to have this watch.

473. Maybe it makes her feel better

474. after all the mistakes I've made.

475. Thank you for giving me a chance.

476. I never deserve it.

477. You are nice people, Axel.

478. Oh, Wilbur, I can't take his watch.

479. I know.

480. It was the only valuable thing he ever owned.

481. Well, look. Why don't you go back to the house?

482. I'll see if I can find him and give it back.

483. Oh, please do.

484. Honey, try to find him.

485. And you wanted to fire that sweet old man.

486. No, now wait a minute.

487. An honest man who always tried his best.

488. Ed, do you know where he went?

489. Well, if you rush,

490. you might catch him at the Tallyho Stables.

491. Thanks, Ed.

492. - Wilbur? - Yeah?

493. Axel, was right.

494. I never really needed new shoes.

495.

496. Tornado, your feedbox is full.

497. You are a bad boy. You're not eating.

498.

499. Hi, Axel.

500. Oh, Mr. Post.

501. How did you know I was here?

502. Here. We can't take your grandfather's watch.

503. I don't need a watch.

504. What difference does it make for time I get fired?

505. Axel, that's your trouble.

506. You're not a failure.

507. You must believe in yourself.

508. I do. I believe I'm a failure.

509. Now, don't say that.

510. Everybody's good at something.

511. Axel.

512. Oh, uh, I-I was just leaving, Mr. Kramer. I—

513. No, no, I don't want you to leave.

514. - Huh? - I'm glad that you're back.

515. Since he left, the horses have been acting up,

516. and I can't handle them.

517. I'll pay you a dollar and a quarter an hour

518. just to stay and take care of the horses.

519. No, no, this-this man has a way with animals.

520. I'm going to pay him $1.75 just to take care of my horse.

521. I'm only worth a dollar and a quarter.

522. $1.75.

523. $2.

524. A dollar and a quarter.

525. Uh, you win, Mr. Kramer.

526. You've got him for $2.

527. Well, good-bye, Axel.

528. Drop by and say hello, huh?

529. Thank you. I will.

530. Oh, and by the way, he was right about my horse.

531. He didn't need new shoes.

532. - How do you know? - My horse admitted it.

533. Hey, Ed.

534. Somebody sent you a present.

535. Oh? Who?

536. Axel.

537. That's sweet.

538. By yiminy.

539.

540. Oh, look.

541. Four new shoes for you.

542. Hey, what do you know?

543. My favorite kind—

544. Open toe.

545. Closed-Captioned By J.R. Media Services, Inc. Burbank, CA

546. ♪ I am Mister Ed ♪

547. This has been Filmways television presentation.