Mister Ed 1x14

1.

2. Hello. I'm Mister Ed.

3.

4.

5. Stay there, Wilbur. I'll get it.

6.

7. Hello.

8. Hello, Mr. Post?

9. - Hmm? - This is Paul Fenton.

10. - Just a minute. - Thank you very much.

11. A Mr. Fenton.

12. Oh, thanks, Ed.

13. Yeah.

14. I ought to teach you shorthand.

15. I'd look silly sitting on your lap.

16. Well, don't knock it.

17. Hello, this is Mr. Post.

18. I'm Paul Fenton.

19. I'm looking for an architect to design my new house,

20. and my sister-in-law Kay Addison recommended you.

21. - Kay? Well, that's very nice of her.

22. Ed, quiet. This is important.

23.

24. When can we get together, Mr. Fenton?

25. Can you meet me in my office tomorrow morning at 10:00?

26. The address is 1040 North Sunset Boulevard.

27. - I got it.

28. Yeah, I'll see you in the morning.

29. Thank you.

30.

31. Well, that...

32. It was nice of Kay, wasn't it, huh?

33. Uh, buddy-boy.

34. Yeah?

35. How about some oats for your secretary?

36. Okay.

37.

38. Yeah.

39.

40. How about some more? I'm a growing horse.

41. Uh-huh.

42. Keep pouring.

43. Oh, Kay, I want to thank you for the recommendation.

44. Your brother-in-law called me about his new house.

45. Oh, you'll love Paul. He's a doll.

46. Kay, is this the brother-in-law

47. who owns that music publishing company?

48. Publisher of such immortal garbage as

49. I Call My Mother "Father" 'Cause I Never Had A Dad.

50. Oh, and that other masterpiece of his—

51. I'm All Dressed Up With A Hole In My Heart.

52. Well, that sold over 200,000 copies.

53. What fool would buy a thing like that?

54. Wilbur bought a copy for me.

55. Well, I— I got it free with a pound of prunes.

56. When do you see Paul?

57. At 10:00 tomorrow morning.

58. Well, your bid, Kay, huh?

59. ñ4 Could either of you gentlemen tell me if Mr. Fenton is in?

60. Oh, he's in, man... but he's gone.

61. I mean, way out, man. You dig?

62. Are you Post?

63. No, you must be Post. Come on in.

64. Say, Mr. Fenton,

65. we've been on ice here for a week.

66. Take five, boys.

67. Come in to my office, Post.

68. Kay's been saying some wonderful things about you.

69. Musicians. Musicians.

70. Millions of musicians but so few good songs, right?

71. - Well, I— - Take a look at this, my biggest smash.

72. I'm All Dressed Up With A Hole In My Heart.

73. Sentimental. Gets you right in here.

74. I loved it.

75. Sold 200,000 records.

76. Boy, do I need another hit like that one.

77. I brought some of the sketches over

78. of the things that I've done.

79. You know, I thought you might get some ideas.

80. Fine, fine, fine. I'll take a look at them.

81. Roger Addison was particularly fond of—

82. Roger Addison? Please, don't mention that creep to me.

83. If Kay didn't wind him up in the morning,

84. he'd run down at night.

85. Well, let's see what we have here.

86. Ah, very interesting.

87. [humming Mister Ed's melody ]

88. What's that?

89. - What? - That tune you're humming, what is it?

90. Well, I don't know, something I must've heard somewhere.

91. Well, let's hear it again.

92.

93.

94. h That's all I can remember.

95. Oh, that's a shame.

96. It's a mighty catchy tune.

97. Maybe it just popped into my head.

98. uQ Well, keep it popping, my boy.

99. It's inspirations like that

100. which gave us such great classics as

101. Itsy Bitsy Teenie Weenie Yellow Polka Dot Bikini.

102. Next to I'm All Dressed Up With A Hole In My Heart,

103. that's my favorite.

104. Well, thank you very much.

105. What do you think of the sketches?

106. What sketches?

107. Oh, yes, yes, those.

108. Well, let's take a look at this one.

109. Uh...

110. Oh.

111. - Try it again. - What?

112. That tune— let's hear it again.

113. Oh.

114.

115. I wish you'd taken up another instrument.

116.

117.

118. I happen to be Scottish, and I'm very proud of the bagpipes.

119. Honey, you're so puffed up.

120. Maybe you'd better rest your face a while.

121. You don't like the bagpipes, do you?

122. Well... it sounds like a cat yelling for help.

123. I'll overlook that.

124. Honey, Paul Fenton asked me to try to remember this tune,

125. and sometimes when you play an instrument,

126. a forgotten melody comes back.

127. I hate to say it,

128. but I think you're scaring it away with that noise.

129.

130. I'll get it.

131. Oh, hello, Paul.

132. Hi, Wilbur. I was just passing by when I was...

133. Oh, vacuuming the house?

134. No, no, I'm trying to remember

135. the rest of that little tune for you.

136. - Come on in, Paul. - Oh, thanks very much.

137. Carol, this is Paul Fenton. This is my wife, Carol.

138. - Hello, Mr. Fenton. - My pleasure, Mrs. Post.

139. I just happen to be in the neighborhood—

140. well, not exactly in the neighborhood—

141. about eight or ten miles away, and I—

142. I thought I'd drop in.

143. Wilbur, I hope you remember the rest of that tune.

144. It's been driving me mad.

145. Well, I'm trying to recapture it with my bagpipes.

146. Is he going to play it or milk it?

147. I'm not sure myself.

148.

149.

150. We thought your horse was in pain.

151. Paul, doll.

152. Hi there, sister,

153. you great, big, gorgeous, beautiful thing, you.

154. Uh, how are you, Sphinx?

155. Hello, Paul.

156. Come, Kay. We were just leaving.

157. No, no, no, stick around. Be right back, Paul.

158. I want to get that preliminary sketch for you.

159. Kay.

160. Maybe you can help us remember a certain tune.

161. What tune?

162. Well... that's the trouble. We don't know.

163. Wilbur hummed a piece in my office this morning

164. that has all the makings of a great, big hit.

165. Just what the country needs—

166. another record monstrosity.

167. Please, Roger, don't try to tell me how to pick songs.

168. I very rarely miss.

169. Yeah? How about the time you turned down Easter Parade?

170. That wasn't my fault.

171. I figured that song could be good for only one day a year.

172. What about White Christmas?

173. I gave that one a week.

174. And don't mention September Song,

175. or I may kill myself.

176. September Song.

177.

178. u0 - Ed. - Mm-hmm.

179. Where did you hear that?

180. Hear what?

181. That tune, the one you were just humming.

182. Oh, that.

183. Just a little something I composed once.

184. You wrote a song?

185. It wasn't Hoagie.

186. This is— This is great.

187. I've been trying to remember that tune all day.

188. How does it go?

189. Give me an "A", Wilbur.

190. An "A", well...

191.

192.

193. [both humming various notes]

194.

195.

196. No, no, no, no, no.

197. There must be a middle and an ending to this tune.

198. Let's try it again.

199.

200. You sound like three wounded bumblebees.

201. Kay, can you give me one good reason

202. why you married him?

203. I needed new shoes.

204. That's good enough.

205. Let's try it again.

206.

207. I got it. I got it.

208. I remember the whole tune.

209. Well, let's hear it. Well, l-l-let's hear it.

210. Something I made up a long time ago.

211. - Wilbur. - You made up a song?

212. It wasn't Hoagie.

213. I'll play it for you on my bagpipes.

214. You'll excuse me. It's getting late.

215. Wilbur, couldn't you just hum it?

216. - Uh— Uh— - I'll let you build me a bigger house.

217. - Okay. - Good, let's hear it.

218.

219. Paul, don't be so impatient.

220. I'm trying to write the words to this tune.

221. I'm working on it now.

222. Just a minute, he's here. I'll ask him.

223. Paul wants to know if you want to invest some money in his company.

224. He figures this song of mine is going to be a hit, and he wants—

225. I don't think he's interested.

226. No. Look, I'll call you back

227. as soon as I finish the lyrics.

228. Okay, goodbye— Oh, Paul.

229. Say, how do you like the plans for the house?

230. Thanks. Be seeing you.

231.

232.

233. Please. I'm trying to write the lyrics for our tune.

234. "Our"? When did I make you a partner?

235. I didn't know it was so tough to write lyrics.

236. Why don't you use mine.

237. Please, Ed, I'm trying—

238. You wrote words for your tune?

239. If Gershwin could, why can't I?

240. Let's hear them. What's the title?

241. Pretty Little Filly.

242. Pretty Little Filly. It's cute.

243. She thought so, too.

244. She?

245. The little filly I was running around with

246. at the time.

247. Okay, Ed, let's hear the words.

248. Well, sound your "A".

249. Okay.

250.

251. Close enough.

252. I love it, Wilbur. I love the title.

253. PretJty Little Filly.

254. Oh, it's great for the teenagers.

255. Now, let me hear the lyrics.

256. The lyrics?

257. Sure, Paul.

258. He wants me to sing the lyrics.

259. Well, you'll ruin my song.

260. Better let me sing it.

261. Hello, Paul.

262. Look, there's a friend of mine here.

263. He's going to sing it.

264. He's got a much better voice than I have.

265. You listening?

266. - Good.

267.

268. That's great. It's beautiful, just beautiful.

269. It can't miss.

270. It's got to be a hit, Wilbur. It's got to be a hit.

271. Paul seems like such a nice fellow.

272. Why doesn't Roger like him?

273. I don't think Addison's ever forgiven him

274. for what he did at our wedding.

275. Oh? What was that?

276. Paul is very emotional,

277. and when the minister pronounced us man and wife,

278. he rushed up and kissed me before Addison.

279. But I think that's terribly funny.

280. You do?

281. - Yes.

282. Well, what's so funny, Carol?

283. Uh— Kay was just telling me something funny

284. that happened to her at the beauty parlor.

285. Good news! Good news!

286. I just gave Paul my lyrics,

287. and he says that Pretty Little Filly

288. is going to be his first big hit of the season.

289. That big loudmouth couldn't be first at anything.

290. He was at your wedding.

291. Paul told me what happened at the ceremony.

292. I hate a man who kisses and tells.

293.

294. Hello?

295. Oh, yes, Paul.

296. What?

297. 40-piece orchestra?

298. That's right.

299. I'm setting up a recording date.

300. Oh, and tell your friend to keep himself available.

301. What friend?

302. The fellow with the deep voice—

303. I want him to sing the song.

304. But does it have to be him?

305. Of course it has to be him.

306. He has just the right sound.

307. You don't understand, Wilbur.

308. He's the one who's going to make us rich.

309. Now, doesn't that make you happy?

310. Wilbur, say something.

311.

312. No, no.

313. - Ed, stop saying no. - No.

314. - Stop it. - No.

315. Fenton wants the same voice he heard on the phone

316. to make the record.

317. Did you tell him I'm a horse?

318. Not yet.

319. Well, let's keep it that way, buddy-boy.

320. - But, Ed— - You know I only talk in front of you.

321. I'm not asking you to talk.

322. I'm asking you to sing.

323. You're quibbling.

324. Look, I don't want to pressure you, Ed,

325. but if you don't make this record,

326. Fenton is liable to cancel the deal to build his house.

327. Hi, fellows, is Mr. Fenton in?

328. Gee, man, I don't know.

329. We only been here a month.

330. - Wilbur, come on in. - Thank you.

331. Won't be long, boys.

332. Now, now, now, sit down, Wilbur.

333. Make yourself comfortable.

334. What's it going to be, Wilbur,

335. something to eat? Drink?

336. I know, champagne. I'll order the works.

337. My friend can't sing the song.

338. Operator, get—

339. Can't sing the song?

340. We'll have to get somebody else.

341. Wilbur, I don't want anybody else.

342. I want the fellow with the deep voice.

343. He's got a quality the just fits Pretty Little Filly.

344. Well, I'm sorry, but he isn't available.

345. Ah, he's out of town.

346. No, he's in my barn.

347. In that case, we've got nothing—

348. He's in your barn?

349. Paul, my horse wrote the song.

350. Your horse wrote—

351. Ah, ah—

352. What a sense of humor.

353. For a minute you had me fooled.

354. Your horse wrote the song.

355. What a gag.

356. Wait till I tell the boys down at the club about this.

357. That's the funniest thing I ever—

358. Wilbur, you're not laughing.

359. My horse really did write the song.

360. Wilbur, I'll get you a cold towel.

361. Look, he would tell you himself,

362. only he won't talk to anybody but me.

363. He won't— The horse?

364. - He wrote the song? - Yeah.

365. He wrote the lyrics, too?

366. He just sat down at the piano and knocked off the tune?

367. The horse can't play the piano.

368. Of course not. His hooves are too big to get on the keys.

369. - He has a harmonica. - Wilbur, let's face it.

370. You don't want me to have the song.

371. You want to sell it to a bigger company.

372. That is not true.

373. Aha! I know what it is. It's that Addison.

374. He's the one who's responsible for this whole thing.

375. Instead of kissing her at the wedding,

376. I should've shot him.

377. Paul, about the house—

378. maybe you'd like to get another architect.

379. Please, please,

380. how can I think about that now?

381. I still don't know why you won't tell us who your singer is.

382. What's the difference? He won't sing.

383. It's a shame.

384. I just talked to my sister

385. and she says that Paul is just heartbroken.

386. Shake hands with your new partner.

387. Partner?

388. That song of yours kept running through my mind,

389. and I said to myself, "This is going to be a hit.

390. I walked into Paul's "toffice and said,

391. "Now, Paul, forget about my personal feeling towards you.

392. "This is business.

393. "This song of Wilbur's can't miss,

394. and I want to get in on the profits."

395. Well, he just looked at me, wouldn't say a word,

396. just pocketed my check and—

397. Why are you all staring at me?

398. Come, doll. I'll make you some cocoa and put you to bed.

399. But I don't want to go to bed.

400. You will after you hear the news.

401. Well, we just lost a neighbor.

402. Oh, no, honey, don't say that.

403. Why, Roger is a very intelligent man,

404. and when Kay explains to him what happened—

405. Oh, no!

406. What were you saying?

407. We just lost a neighbor.

408. Getting late.

409. We better turn in.

410. Oh, honey, look.

411. Oh, that Fenton,

412. he just won't give up.

413. Wilbur...

414.

415. Oh, it's useless.

416. Oh, Wilbur, please talk to your friend.

417. Beg him to sing Pretty Little Filly for us.

418. It's a bright song, a happy song,

419. and the country could use a little cheering up now.

420. Don't ask me. Ask him.

421. All right.

422. Still sticking to the same old story.

423. Our country needs my song, and you turn him down.

424. Me?

425. You Benedict Arnold.

426. You mean, you'll sing Pretty Little Filly?

427. On one condition.

428. One condition? What is it?

429. Well, listen.

430.

431. Morning, fellows.

432. No, no!

433. Don't jump!

434. What jump? I was just fixing the Venetian blind.

435. Paul, I'm going to record that song for you.

436. You?

437. Yeah. I'm the fellow with the deep voice.

438. That was me you heard on the phone.

439. Oh, come on, now, Wilbur. A joke's a joke.

440. It's true.

441. It's just— when I sing in front of people,

442. I get nervous, and my voice changes completely,

443. sort of like Jekyll and Hyde.

444. Jekyll and Hyde?

445. Yeah, Jekyll sings high, and Hyde is the low one.

446. Oh. Well, I tell you what I'll do.

447. I'll get you a small recording studio.

448. No, no, no, no, no studio.

449. We'll record in my barn.

450. Barn?

451. Yeah, the acoustics are just great.

452. You did say barn?

453. Well, where am I going to put the orchestra?

454. And no 40-piece orchestra. Just a small combo.

455. Man, we've cut records in some weird places before,

456. but this is the wildest.

457. Imagine, married to a man, and I never even knew he could sing.

458. I was married to Addison for ten years

459. before I found out he could wiggle his ears.

460. Give us a wiggle, doll.

461. Oh...

462. Here he comes.

463. Excuse me, friends. It's show time.

464.

465. Oh, uh— uh, Wilbur...

466. I—

467. Look, are you sure

468. you want that horse in the same stall with you?

469. He's liable to make some noise.

470. - Well, I hope so. - Hmm?

471. I mean, as a—

472. He's my good-luck piece.

473. - Oh? - Four horseshoes?

474. All right, fellows, stand by.

475. All right, men, one, two...

476. ♪ Got a date ♪

477.

478.

479. Well, Ed, what do you think of our song?

480. It's a gasser.

481. Closed-Captioned By J.R. Media Services, Inc. Burbank, CA

482. ♪ I am Mister Ed ♪

483. This has been a Filmways television presentation.