Mister Ed 1x13

1.

2. Hello, I'm Mr. Ed.

3.

4. 3/4 of a mile at 11—

5. Good morning, Ed.

6. Good morn.

7. Ed, what happened to the sports section?

8. I'm reading it.

9. Hey, wait.

10. I'm not through yet.

11. You know I like to read it with my coffee.

12. Well, I like to read it with my hay.

13. Well, I'm sorry.

14. Why did you mark the horse races?

15. Oh, don't worry. I'm not betting.

16. Hello, Roger.

17. Want me to get you a cup of coffee?

18. No, thanks.

19. Oh, what's this?

20. Are you playing the horses?

21. No, I even think the merry-go-round is fixed.

22. Well, then who made these selections?

23. Would you believe it if I told you it was Mr. Ed?

24. Well, I'll tell you the truth.

25. The little boy who delivers the paper is a tout.

26. Wilbur, you surprise me.

27. I thought you had more sense than to play the races.

28. If you must throw your money away,

29. give it to your wife.

30. Believe me. I never gamble.

31. You know, I had a good friend who lost a fortune on the races.

32. Then he started drinking.

33. First, one bottle a day, and then two.

34. Finally he was buying it by the case.

35. You know what happened to that man?

36. Owns his own liquor store?

37. Wasn't funny to my friend.

38. He lost his family, his business, his home.

39. They darn near kicked him out of the Harvard Club.

40. Look, Roger, I appreciate you concern,

41. but believe me, it isn't necessary.

42.

43. Hello, girls.

44. How's the charity drive coming along?

45. We've never had "no" said to us in so many different ways.

46. I never thought it would be so hard

47. to collect money for a milk fund.

48. How much did you get?

49. Uh, $40.

50. Does that include the 20 I gave you this morning?

51. Uh-huh.

52. Does that include the 20 I gave you this morning?

53. I guess we didn't have such a good day.

54. Hey, I have a thought.

55. Why not let Wilbur run your $40 into a few thousand

56. at the race track?

57. Race track?

58. Wilbur, you don't—

59. W-Wilbur have you been betting on the horses?

60. Of course not, honey.

61. Oh, no. He just marked off these horses' names

62. because it's their birthday

63. and he wants to send them some presents.

64. Come, dear.

65. Wilbur, take my advice.

66. Forget the races.

67. And, uh, just to remove any temptation

68. I'll take this along with me.

69. And, uh, incidentally, you're saving a dime.

70. Yes, dear.

71. Well, how about Mabel?

72. Well, if you deduct what we spent

73. for gas, stationery, phone, and circulars

74. our charity drive has already lost $15.

75. Okay, thanks. Talk to you later.

76. May I come in?

77. Oh, hi, Roger.

78. Is Wilbur here?

79. He's upstairs.

80. Wilbur!

81. You must be excited about his luck today.

82. What luck?

83. Why, your husband picked eight winners.

84. Eight winners?

85. At the race track.

86. Well, here. Look for yourself.

87. Here are Wilbur's selections.

88. And here are the winners.

89. Hi, Roger.

90. I'll be right back.

91. Honey, you-you picked eight winners.

92. Winners?

93. Yes, at the race track.

94. Oh, that's nice.

95. I picked eight winners?

96. Here they are.

97. What do you know?

98. Eight in a row.

99. Not bad.

100.

101. What am I so happy about? I didn't bet.

102. Sure, kid.

103. I didn't.

104. Will you excuse me, Roger. I-I've got to feed Ed.

105. Is it possible he didn't bet?

106. Oh, I'm sure he didn't.

107. You say that so calmly.

108. If I picked eight winners and didn't bet,

109. my wife would be on her way to Reno.

110. Ed, you picked eight winners.

111. Well, there were only eight races.

112. Ed, how did you get so lucky?

113. Not luck.

114. Just horse sense.

115. You mean, you can actually pick the horses?

116. Better than you can pick people.

117. What's the secret?

118. How do you do it?

119. Simple.

120. I see who's running and I pick the best.

121. How do you know so much about horses?

122. Isn't that a stupid question?

123. Yes, yes.

124. Eight winners. That's amazing.

125. I got a reward for you.

126. Hey, neighbor. Let me give you a hand with that.

127. Well, thanks. I think I can manage from here.

128. Well, if a man can't help a friend,

129. what good is he?

130. That's true.

131. Oh, by the way, Wilbur,

132. you know you were just lucky today.

133. You could never pick eight winners in a row again.

134. Yes, I could.

135. But what's the difference?

136. You don't play the races.

137. No, no, no, no, of course not.

138. I'm just interested

139. from the scientific point of view.

140. Oh, oh.

141. Is that why you're being so helpful this evening?

142. Oh, Wilbur, please.

143. Now, uh, just to satisfy me,

144. would you make some selections for tomorrow?

145. I would rather not, Roger.

146. Admit it. You were just lucky.

147. Once they get on the track,

148. nobody can tell what these stupid animals are liable to do.

149. j@

150. Uh, look, Roger.

151. I don't...

152. Okay, Roger.

153. You call out the list of tomorrow's entries,

154. and I'll-I'll give you the winners.

155. Good.

156. First race. Esteban?

157. No.

158. Bleat Lady?

159. No.

160. Sunny boy?

161. Sunny Boy? Uh, Sunny Boy?

162. Yeah, that's-that's the winner.

163. Sunny Boy.

164. Sunny Boy?

165. Well, he's 80 to 1.

166. According to this handicap,

167. he's never beaten any of these other nags.

168. Well, tomorrow he's running for revenge.

169. I can hardly wait to check the paper tonight.

170. Then we'll see how good you really are.

171. Now, the second race.

172. Maybe the boy didn't deliver the paper yet.

173. Could be up on the roof.

174. Kid's got a great pitching arm.

175. Lots of speed but no control.

176. Ah, here it is.

177. Yeah, now we'll cut you down to size, my boy.

178. o( Roger, are you a sporting man?

179. What do you have in mind?

180. If I picked eight winners again,

181. you carry me into the house.

182. If I didn't, I carry you.

183. You're on.

184. You can put me down here, driver.

185. What on earth is going on?

186. He never carried me over the threshold.

187. My dear, you never picked eight horses in a row.

188. Again?

189. Yes, eight yesterday, eight today.

190. It's only 16 winners.

191. What's all the fuss about?

192. Kay, how much money do we have in the bank?

193. Oh, how fabulous! We'll all be rich.

194. My mink will be wearing sable.

195. Aladdin had his lamp, we have our Wilbur.

196. I wonder when the new model yachts come out.

197. How do you pick them?

198. Yes, when did you find out you had this power?

199. Tell us, swami.

200. Okay, it all happened two days ago.

201. I was sitting in the barn concXientrating on some sketche.

202. All of the sudden,

203. I had a strange sensatoion.

204. I found myself circling horses on the sports page.

205. Too sour, too sour.

206. May I touch you?

207. Wilbur, what time do we leave for the track tomorrow?

208. Why wait for tomorrow? Aren't there any night races?

209. Our milk drive.

210. Honey, if you pick a few horses,

211. we'll have all the money we need.

212. Milk drive? Why, with Wilbur on our side,

213. those kids are going to be drinking champagne.

214. Roger, I don't bet and I thought you were opposed to gambling.

215. My boy, backing you is not gambling.

216. It's hoarding. Now get busy. Pick it, go ahead.

217. Get him a pencil.

218. Pencil? Here, Wilbur, take my pen.

219. Keep it. Go on.

220. I don't like to bet.

221. You bet for matchsticks, we'll bet for money.

222. Honey, for the charity drive, please.

223. Well, if it's for charity.

224. I better go in the barn and concentrate.

225. You want me to carry you?

226. I'll help.

227. Please.

228. What a brilliant man I married.

229. Oh, he's not just yours now, Carol.

230. He belongs to the world.

231. Hollywood Park.

232. 5,000,000.

233. Hialeah.

234. 5,000,000.

235. Hey, what do you mean you can't pick any more winners?

236. I don't like betting for money.

237. It's against my principles.

238. You got me into this.

239. They think I have the power.

240. What can I tell them?

241. Tell them you blew a fuse.

242. Aqueduct.

243. Short season, 3,000,000.

244. Add them up.

245. 25,000,000.

246. Give the government 24,000,000.

247. Oh, well, easy come, easy go.

248. Oh, back so soon?

249. Where are your selections?

250. I don't have them.

251. You-you— Oh, you left them in your office, huh?

252. I'll go get them. Here, sit down, my boy.

253. Sit right here. Relax.

254. Roger...

255. I haven't got any.

256. You haven't?

257. Oh, you don't like the horses today, huh?

258. Well, that's all right. We'll pick them some other day.

259. You know, nothing lost except the interest on the money.

260. Roger, I'm afraid I'm never going to pick the horses again.

261. Roger, I'm—

262. I must have lost the knack.

263. I tried, but it just wouldn't come.

264. Sorry, Roger.

265. Why, darling, what's wrong?

266. We've been wiped out.

267. What? What happened?

268. Now I know how Benedict Arnold's wife must have felt.

269. Come, dear. We are not in the house of a friend.

270. What happened—

271. Please, my dear.

272. I'm not well.

273. Just look at them.

274. I wish Roger would start talking to Wilbur.

275. If only Wilbur would let him win a few races.

276. Oh, it's not Wilbur's fault

277. he lost the knack of picking horses.

278. Does he ever talk in his sleep?

279. Sometimes.

280. Well, if he ever mumbles a long shot,

281. jot it down.

282. x I just read about a wonderful new spray for roses.

283. It's a home-made dust.

284. You mix nine parts of dusting sulfur

285. with one part of arsenate of lead.

286. Who's going to win the first race?

287. I don't know.

288. Go play with your arsenate.

289. Huh-uh.

290. Ed?

291. Huh-uh.

292. Ed, just one winner?

293. Just the seventh race?

294. The big one?

295. No, I couldn't live with myself.

296. Ed, please.

297. May I quote you from Oscar Wilde?

298. Oscar Wilde?

299. He does not win who plays with sin.

300. Well, I've got one for you.

301. He gets no dinner who picks no winner.

302. What fool said that?

303. I did.

304. I mean—

305. All right, I don't need your help.

306. I'll pick the seventh race myself.

307. It's easy. Uh...

308. Devil's Tail.

309. Is it going to win?

310. Is it going to lose?

311. Is it a horse?

312. I think we need some fresh air.

313. Oh, I guess I shouldn't have volunteered

314. to head our charity drive.

315. Maybe one of the other girls could do a better job.

316. Oh, don't blame yourself, sweetie.

317. It's the kids I'm thinking about.

318. That milk fund's very important to them.

319. Too bad we didn't make some bets yesterday

320. when Wilbur picked all those winners.

321. Do you really think he's lost his touch?

322. Oh, he must have.

323. He certainly wouldn't refuse to pick winners

324. to help a cause like this.

325. Say, Wilbur.

326. Yeah?

327. You should've told me it was for the milk fund.

328. You're going to pick today's winners?

329. Only for today.

330. Oh, thanks, Ed.

331. Imagine picking Devil's Tail.

332. That horse will finish two lengths behind his own tail.

333. Thanks, Ed.

334. Stop it.

335. Wait until I tell them.

336. There must be some other way to make money.

337. Carol! Kay!

338. I've got the touch again.

339. I'm going to pick the winners today.

340. Oh, darling.

341. Oh, I'll tell Addison. Addi—

342. Thank heaven, you've come home to us.

343. Aren't you angry at me anymore?

344. Golden boy.

345. Was I ever angry with you?

346. I'll need a few minutes alone to make my selection.

347. Oh, of course, of course.

348. Everybody, out of the yard.

349. My friend wants privacy.

350. Out, out, out.

351. Ah, doll.

352. Shh.

353. Do you think I look better in a blue yacht or a pink one?

354. Don't be chincy, dear.

355. Buy both.

356. In the eighth race, Big Blue—

357. Five pounds over at 118 pounds.

358. Uh, King's Ransom to win. That's number 3.

359. Thank you.

360. Number 3, or course.

361. Buddy boy.

362. The horses are approaching the starting gate.

363. Let's go, honey.

364. Oh, I hope we win.

365. Oh, I can see those mink sails on my yacht now.

366. Starting gate.

367. The flag is up.

368.

369. And they're coming around the turn.

370. It's Cliver in front.

371. Followed by Blue Boy, Windstorm...

372. Where are you going, honey?

373. I want to be first in line to collect my money.

374. We've got King's Ransom.

375. And he's dead last.

376. Oh, I knew he couldn't do it.

377. Three days in a row.

378. And at the top of the stretch it's Cliver.

379. Cliver moving on at the round of the haul.

380. Here comes King's Ransom.

381. It's King's Ransom pulling ahead.

382. Coming down the line, and it's King's Ransom.

383.

384. Wait for me, golden boy.

385. Four winners in a row and all long shots.

386. You're a genius.

387. Four long shots in a row?

388. What's he got in this one?

389. Lady's Choice. Can't lose.

390. Lady's Choice, please.

391. Follow my friend's advice. It's like stealing money.

392. Lady's Choice.

393. Likewise.

394. Wilbur, aren't you going to watch the race?

395. Why bother walking back to the box?

396. Let's just wait here for our money.

397. He sure is confident, ain't he?

398. My friend, a bank would lend you any amount on his predictions.

399.

400. Number 4, please.

401. Thank you.

402. Number 4.

403. Likewise.

404. Likewise.

405.

406. Well, who's going to win the next race, oh wise one?

407. Oh, my, uh, my selection is

408. Blue Bell.

409. Blue Bell!

410. Will you come along with me, please?

411. Mr. Post,

412. According to Detective Weams

413. you picked six long shots in a row.

414. Is that against the law?

415. Oh, of course not.

416. But as steward of this track,

417. I am naturally curious about your good fortune.

418. Naturally.

419. Have you been getting advice for any of the jockeys?

420. - No, sir. - The owners? The trainers?

421. Then who has been advising you?

422. My horse.

423. Mr. Post, you promised to cooperate.

424. Will you please tell us who has been giving you these tips.

425. Ed.

426. Ed who?

427. My horse doesn't have a last name.

428. He must have a last name.

429. I see that we're not getting anywhere.

430. Gentlemen, I can clear this whole thing up

431. with one phone call.

432. May I use your phone.

433. - Go right ahead. - Thank you.

434.

435. Post residence.

436. Hello, Ed. It's me.

437. I'm at the race track.

438. Ed, isn't it true

439. that you've been giving me all the winners today?

440. Sure, I gave you all the winners.

441. Hello, this is Mr. Gray, the steward.

442. Who is this?

443. Mr. Ed, the horse.

444. I don't know what you're doing, Post,

445. but whatever it is, stop it.

446. Yes.

447. Oh, if either of you gentlemen want to bet the seventh race,

448. the winner will be Prince Charming.

449. Prince Charming?

450. Yes, my horse just told me

451. that Mrs. Prince Charming had a baby last week,

452. so he'll be trying to win for the kid.

453. What happened to your friend?

454. Yeah, who are we going to bet on the seventh race?

455. I don't know.

456. Oh, yes, I do. Here he is.

457.

458. Quiet! Quiet!

459. Please, cut, everybody. Please.

460. Uh...

461. It is Prince Charming.

462. Prince Charming!

463. Attention, Prince Charming, number 7

464. has been declared.

465. Hey, did you hear that?

466. Prince Charming was declared. What's your next choice?

467.

468. Please, please, please.

469. Don't panic.

470. My goodness, there's plenty of money for everybody.

471. Well, Wilbur?

472. I don't know.

473. Prince Charming was my only choice.

474. Oh, come on. You got to have some other one you like.

475. Look at all the horses that are running.

476. Come on.

477. Gentlemen,

478. he has circled Devil's Tail.

479. Devil's Tail!

480. The horses are at the starting gate.

481. The big race is going to start pretty soon.

482. The girls had better hurry back.

483. What's the rush? We didn't bet this race.

484. We put all our winnings on Devil's Tail.

485. Well, that's right.

486. I may sell my house and move into my bank.

487. What did you do?

488. Who told you to bet on Devil's Tail?

489. I did.

490. I borrowed your newspaper from your pocket.

491. That horse can't win.

492. I picked it myself this morning.

493. You picked all of them, darling.

494. And they're off and running.

495.

496. You shouldn't have bet on Devil's Tail.

497. He hasn't got a chance.

498. Out in front, it's Devil's Tail

499. on top by one length.

500. It's six winners. How greedy can you—

501. It's Devil's Tail by one length.

502. Remember, I-I picked him.

503. All by myself.

504. It's Devil's Tale, now by five lengths.

505. I was just sitting in the office, you know.

506. Nobody helped me.

507. Just by sheer logic I decided to take on Devil's Tail.

508. And here come Silk Lady on the outside.

509. She's closing in on Devil's Tail.

510. Coming around the corner, it's Silk Lady.

511. Silk Lady, by half a length.

512.

513. We have a winner, and it's Silk Lady.

514. Well, you can't win them all.

515. I can't bear to think of it.

516. My pretty, blue yacht sank in the seventh race.

517. My 12 apartment buildings.

518. Think of all that money

519. we could've had for that milk fund.

520. Oh, wait a minute, honey.

521. Here's some money for your milk fund.

522. Wh-wh-where did you get all this money?

523. I didn't bet on the seventh race.

524. You didn't?

525. My mother didn't raise me to be a gambler.

526. Oh, Wilbur.

527. Right there. Right there.

528. Closed-Captioned By J.R. Media Services, Inc. Burbank, CA

529. ♪ I am Mister Ed ♪

530. This has been a Filmways television presentation.