Mister Ed 1x12

1.

2. Hello, I'm Mr. Ed.

3. Right there by that fence, honey.

4. Perfect spot for a picture.

5. Okay, honey.

6. Addison, doll.

7. How about a picture of you?

8. Those baby blue eyes would look beautiful in color.

9. I don't deny that, my dear,

10. but I'm a little weary.

11. Oh, please. Just one picture for my wallet?

12. That will be the closest

13. I've been to my money in a long time.

14. Hold it just a minute while I focus, honey.

15. Howdy, folks.

16. Oh, darn.

17. Oh, I'm sorry, ma'am. Did I spoil your snapshot?

18. Well, that's okay.

19. She's got special rates for group pictures.

20. Ah. You folks interested maybe

21. in buying some do-dads for the house?

22. I'm running an auction here this Sunday.

23. Auction?

24. What auction? Where?

25. What are they selling and how many to a customer?

26. Auction? Where?

27. Kay, let's go home.

28. Come this Sunday. You'll be able to pick up

29. some real fine bargains at Z. Dowd's.

30. I'm selling everything on this farm from soup to nuts.

31. We have plenty of both. Thank you.

32. Come on. Let's go.

33. Oh, I've got to see what he's selling.

34. Right this way, ma'am, through the gates.

35. That woman will buy anything.

36. To Kay, the world is just one big department store.

37. Come on, Roger. It's only money.

38. I'm glad it's yours.

39. Well, thank you.

40. Sit up on the fence for one more, honey.

41. All right.

42. Oh, move over just a little bit.

43. I want to get the horse in the background.

44. Make it look real country.

45. Okay.

46. Sit back a little more.

47. Oh, a little more.

48. Wilbur?

49. Where are you?

50. Wilbur!

51. Oh, honey, are you all right?

52. I don't know.

53. Does that camera take x-ray pictures?

54.

55. There is nothing funny about falling off a fence.

56. It could happen to anybody.

57. Uh, never happened to me.

58.

59. Wilbur, are you in there?

60. Yes, Roger.

61. Shh.

62. Wilbur,

63. I picked up your snapshots at the drug store.

64. Oh, thank you, Roger. How much do I owe you?

65. Nothing if-if you will help me on the this auction business.

66. Oh, Kay still wants to go to that auction on Sunday, huh?

67. That's all she talks about.

68. She wants to pick up a few things for our backyard.

69. Like what?

70. Oh, a wagon wheel, a kerosene lamp, an old water pump.

71. She would buy the farmer if he were marked down.

72. I don't think that my wife's any different.

73. Now remember, we've got to stick together on this.

74. No auction this Sunday.

75. Right?

76. Right.

77.

78. Oh, brother.

79. on

80. What's so funny?

81. When I fell off the fence,

82. all Carol got was a picture of an old plow horse.

83. Don't laugh.

84. Some of my best friends pull plows.

85. Let me see it.

86. Wait till Carol sees this shot.

87. Uh-huh.

88. Wait a minute.

89. What's the matter, Ed?

90. That horse in the picture.

91. What about her?

92. She's my mother.

93. Well, there she is.

94. Are you sure that's your mother?

95. That's Mama.

96. Go ahead. Go over to her.

97. How do I look?

98. You look fine.

99. Is my hair combed?

100. Yes, now look. Stop being so nervous.

101. Mom taught us kids to be neat.

102. Your hair is combed. Your shoes are shined.

103. You look great. Go over to her.

104. Okay.

105. Fine looking horse you got there, mister.

106. Oh, hello, Mr. Dowd.

107. Say, ain't you the fellow

108. that fell off my fence a couple of days ago.

109. That's right.

110. Hey, your horse seems to like Betsy.

111. I'll sell it to you real cheap.

112. Of course she ain't nothing but a broken-down, old plug.

113.

114. What's wrong with him?

115. You insulted his mother.

116. His mother?

117. Yeah. He recognized her from a snapshot we took.

118. Who recognized her?

119. Her son.

120. My horse. He did.

121. Well, uh, excuse me.

122. I— I've got some butter to churn.

123. I should have kicked him in his rutabaga.

124. Ed, please. Mr. Dowd didn't mean it.

125. Hello, Betsy. You've got a wonderful son.

126. No use, Wilbur. She doesn't understand.

127. You mean, she doesn't talk like you?

128. Nope, I'm the only black sheep in the family.

129. Well, then how do you communicate with her?

130. Horse talk.

131. You know, we were here before people.

132. Tell her I like her.

133.

134. Okay, buy my mother and let's go home.

135. Gee, I-I don't know, Ed.

136. I'm going to have to ask Carol first.

137. But I don't want my mother pulling a plow.

138. I know how you feel, Ed.

139. Well, tell your mother I'll do my best.

140. Carol.

141. Yes?

142. Come here, dear.

143. Oh, I've missed you.

144. We've been together all evening.

145. No, we haven't.

146. You've been in that kitchen for 5 minutes.

147. Oh, Wilbur.

148. You know when I miss you most?

149. When I'm on my horse.

150. c+ - What? - Yeah.

151. You know, some days when I'm riding along on Mr. Ed

152. I just wish you were right there with me.

153. Wouldn't it be a little crowded in the saddle?

154. Carol...

155. I've been thinking about buying you a horse.

156. Two horses?

157. Oh, isn't that a little extravagant?

158. I mean the upkeep and—

159. Oh, what's money

160. when you're riding alongside the woman you love?

161. Wilbur, you know I don't ride very well.

162. Yeah, I know, and that's why I was looking around

163. and I found a real gentle horse.

164. You'll love her.

165. Oh, where did you find this horse?

166. Well, you remember that picture you took

167. when I fell off the fence?

168. Mm-hmm.

169. No.

170. You mean you want me to ride that decrepit, old plow horse?

171. Please.

172. You're talking about somebody's mother.

173. Forget it, Wilbur. We just don't need two horses.

174. I'll make a deal with you.

175. You ride Ed and I'll ride the plow horse.

176. That's absurd.

177. I'll finish the dishes and we'll go to a movie, huh?

178. Don't worry, Mama.

179. You're not going to pull that plow much longer.

180. I know I was a kooky kid,

181. but I've sowed my wild oats.

182. I'm going to take care of you in your old age.

183. Hi, Ed.

184. Hi, Wilbur.

185. When do we pick up Mother?

186. I'm afraid I've got some bad news.

187. Carol just doesn't want another horse.

188. - Oh. - Look, I'm not giving up.

189. Now, she wants to go to a movie tonight,

190. so I'll pick a real sentimental one.

191. Maybe this will soften her up.

192. Chin up, Mom.

193. Your little Edward ain't letting you down.

194. I isn't.

195.

196. Oh, come in, neighbors.

197. Oh, hi, kids. Too late for a cup of coffee.

198. No, come on in.

199. Oh, good. How was the picture, darlings?

200. Great, just great.

201. All about a son's love for his mother.

202. We're not getting another horse.

203. Is that the name of the picture?

204. Wilbur wants to buy that plow horse

205. we saw at the farm the other day.

206. Oh, that's the place we're going to this Sunday.

207. Kay, dear, I told you we are not going to that auction.

208. She's a real sweet horse.

209. But all I want to do is pick up a few things for the backyard.

210. It was our front yard before she started adding things.

211. She's the gentlest thing you've ever seen.

212. You wouldn't think so if you lived with her.

213. I'm talking about the horse.

214. We're not getting any horse.

215. Did my husband call me a horse?

216. I'm talking about Ed's mother.

217. Ed's mother?

218. He had one, you know.

219. Well, most of us do.

220. Will somebody please tell me what we're talking about.

221. My husband wants to buy another horse.

222. This is not just another horse.

223. This is Ed's mother.

224. Really?

225. How do you know?

226. He says that Mr. Ed recognized his mother

227. from the picture I took.

228. Pardon me, I've got to bed down my horse.

229. Does he really want to buy that old plow horse?

230. Well, you know how Wilbur loves animals.

231. If it were up to him, we'd be living in a zoo.

232. Well?

233. I'm sorry, Ed. Carol said no again.

234. Did you tell her it's my mother?

235. Yeah.

236. She just doesn't believe me.

237. Does she want to see my birth certificate?

238. I'm sorry, Ed.

239. It's hopeless.

240. Uh, Wilbur.

241. Yeah?

242. Would you let your mother pull a plow?

243. Big deal.

244. Where's the phone directory?

245. I'll call Dowd myself.

246. Hello, Ed.

247. Hello.

248. Don't worry, Mom.

249. What is your mother doing here?

250. What mother?

251. How did she get in here?

252. You bought her.

253. Me?

254. What are you talking about?

255. Okay, so I bought her.

256. What did you do?

257. I called up Dowd and I told him I was your business manager.

258. You didn't.

259. Just send him a check for $50.

260. Oh, I got to keep Carol out of here.

261. Carol's coming.

262. If she sees your mother, she'll kick us both out.

263. Don't let her come in here.

264. But how? How am I going to keep her out?

265. Filibuster.

266. Honey, I brought you some lunch.

267. A sandwich and some milk and some cookies.

268. Thank you. I'll eat it out here.

269. In this wind.

270. What wind?

271. Oh, Wilbur.

272. I like to eat outdoors. It's-it's invigorating.

273. Oh, honey. I don't have time. I have a roast in the oven.

274. You shouldn't have done this, Ed.

275. Carol is going to think I did it behind her back.

276. Look at her, Wilbur. Isn't she beautiful?

277. I better to find a place to hide her

278. while I try to get Carol to accept her.

279. Mm-hmm.

280. Addison's garage.

281. Bless you, Wilbur.

282. Fine lad.

283.

284. The line's busy.

285. Ed, I better take your mother right over there.

286. Mr. Dowd, what time are you starting your auction tomorrow?

287. 11 o'clock?

288. Fine, we'll be there.

289. And I—

290. The voice you have just heard had been disconnected.

291. You shouldn't have done that.

292. Woman, have a heart.

293. We've got a whole garage full of junk.

294. It's not junk.

295. We have enough grandfather clocks

296. to start an old folks home.

297. Oh, really, Roger. Stop exaggerating.

298. I'm going to use everything I bought.

299. Kay, dear heart, light of my life,

300. what do you intend to do with the spinning wheel

301. you bought three years ago?

302. Well, I— I may make a planter out of it.

303. You'd make a planter out of anything, wouldn't you?

304. Oh, Addison, please, doll.

305. Let's go Sunday.

306. I promise you I won't buy. I'll just look.

307. Well, if you must look,

308. come and have a look at the pawn shop

309. we laughingly call our garage.

310. Oh, really, Roger. What are you trying to prove?

311. I know what I bought.

312. I just want you to see

313. why I have to park my car in the driveway every week.

314. Addison, I know what's in this garage,

315. and it's all stuff we can use some day.

316. What kind of a planter is that going to make?

317. How did that get here?

318. Why, it's that old plow horse that Wilbur wanted to buy.

319. Wilbur, where do you think

320. I ought to take her on Mother's Day?

321. Ed, we're going to have a lot of trouble with Carol.

322. You should never have phoned Mr. Dowd.

323. There comes a time

324. when a horse has to take matters into his own hooves.

325. Well, I better phone Roger again

326. and tell him I've got your mother in his garage.

327.

328. Anything else I can get you, dear?

329. No, thank you, honey.

330. Are you still angry with me, darling?

331. I mean about the other horse?

332. No, no, I-I see your side of it, dear.

333. I hope you'll change your mind.

334. I don't want to seem obstinate.

335. That's my girl.

336. I mean, just promise me you'll keep an open mind.

337. Sleep on it, huh?

338. All right, Wilbur. I better get back to my roast.

339. Let me carry that for you.

340. Honey, if you change your mind about that other horse

341. I think I can get you a quick delivery.

342. I, uh, believe this belongs to your herd.

343. Roger, where did you get the horse?

344. I didn't know you liked horses.

345. Carol?

346. Wilbur, there must be an explanation for this.

347. Yeah? Well, let's hear it.

348. Wilbur, how could you?

349. You'll excuse me if I miss this preliminary bout.

350. I'm fighting in the main event next door.

351. It's great to keep an open mind, quick delivery—

352. That horse goes back this instant.

353. Wilbur, right now.

354. eW Carol, please—

355. Right now, Wilbur.

356. Take that horse back right now.

357. Oh!

358. Ed, I'm sorry. I tried.

359. Can I say good-bye to Mama?

360.

361. Cheer up, Ed.

362. Breakfast in a few minutes.

363. Is he still angry about returning that other horse?

364. I guess so.

365. Agh, husbands can be so stubborn.

366. Do you know that Addison actually believes

367. that I'm not going to that auction today?

368. And you're not.

369. Yes, I am.

370. Good morning, Wilbur.

371. No, you're not.

372. Good morning, Wilbur. Yes, I am.

373. Good morning.

374. What's going on around here?

375. Oh, they're just discussing going to the auction today.

376. And we decided against it.

377. Carol would like to go.

378. Only if it's all right with you, dear.

379. Oh, yeah—

380. No, no. I thought we'd just relax around the house today.

381. Wilbur, you're a man after my own heart.

382. Well, I'll be right back. I've got to feed Ed.

383. Hurry, dear. Breakfast will be ready in just a few minutes.

384. Morning, Ed. How's—

385. Ed?

386. Went home to Mother.

387. He must have just left.

388. The crayon is still wet.

389. B2 Addison, please.

390. I promise you that we'll only stay at the auction for an hour.

391. Half hour?

392. Breakfast is ready.

393. 15 minutes?

394. We'll just drive by?

395. My dear, you are not buying any wagon wheels today.

396. Wilbur and I have decided against it.

397. Why do you men always stick together?

398. Because every day of a married man's life

399. is Custard's last stand.

400. Well, let's finish up breakfast and get down to that auction.

401. I have just been scalped.

402. All right, folks. The auction will start in a few minutes now.

403. Pardon me, sir.

404. Yes, sir, what can I—

405. Oh, it's you.

406. Now look Mr. Post, that wasn't fair.

407. Buying my horse on the telephone and then sending her back.

408. Anything you buy today

409. is strictly cash on the barrelhead.

410. Well, I'm sorry.

411. Have you seen my horse around here?

412. Now, what makes you think he'd be around here?

413. He left a note saying he was going back to mother.

414. Well, uh...

415. I-I guess I better start the auction.

416. Wilbur, have you seen Kay?

417. I've been looking all over for her.

418. No.

419. Well, I've got to find her before the bidding starts

420. or I'll walk home in a barrel.

421. All right, folks. All right.

422. Gather around. Now, we've got

423. some right powerful bargains for you lucky people.

424. Now the first item is this sturdy plow horse.

425. Got a lot of hard-working years left in her yet.

426. Now, who'll start the bidding?

427. $10.

428. 15.

429. 20.

430. All right, I hear 20. Do I hear 25?

431. 25.

432. 30.

433. 35.

434. 35, I have 35. Do I hear 40?

435. Ed, what are you doing?

436. Buying my mother. Do you mind?

437. 40, anyone? 40, 40, 40 anyone?

438. - 40. - Thank you.

439. But you know we can't take her home.

440. 45.

441. 45, I have 45. Do I hear 50?

442. Ed, you don't have any money.

443. How are you going to pay?

444. This is my mother.

445. I'll beg. I'll work. I'll steal. I'll do anything.

446. 50, 50, do I hear 50?

447. - 50. - Thank you.

448. I have 50, 50, 50. Do I hear 55?

449. Wilbur, what's Mr. Ed doing here?

450. Do I hear 55?

451. All right.

452. 50 once.

453. 50 twice.

454. 50—

455. 55.

456. Sold, to that man for $55.

457. Wilbur, why did you buy that horse?

458. Honey, because that is Mr. Ed's mother.

459. Believe me.

460. I bought her and I'm going to give her to some nice family.

461. Maybe with a couple of kids who can love her

462. and make her last years happy ones.

463. All right, honey.

464. I don't mind if you're an animal lover.

465. As long as you keep on being a zPwife lover.

466. I better go find Kay.

467. Wilbur, if you were a girl, I'd kiss you.

468. I think I will anyway.

469. All right, folks.

470. Who will give me $15?

471. Believe me, it's a steal.

472. 15.

473. 17.

474. 20.

475. 22.

476. 22, 22, I've got 22.

477. Do I hear 23?

478. Why don't you go up to 50?

479. 50, sold.

480. To that gentleman with the mustache for $50.

481. Oh, Thank you, doll.

482. You bought me my wagon wheel.

483. I just bought $50 wagon wheel.

484. Congratulations.

485. It should make a beautiful planter.

486. Closed-Captioned By J.R. Media Services, Inc. Burbank, CA

487. /ú ♪ That is, of course, unless the horse ♪

488. ñV ♪ He'll give you the answer ♪

489. ♪ I am Mister Ed ♪

490. This has been a Filmways television presentation.